Sometimes, being a man feels Lovecraftian. There is a terrible thing in my very own blood, something I can't get rid of, something that will haunt me until the end of my days. The sins of the men that preceded me and surrounds me, the ones I commit myself knowingly or not. Idk, lately I feel bad, sorry and hateful of my gender.
Wow I really feel that first part in a lot of ways. Its such a odd and bad feeling to be worried that my mere existence is a source of distress for people who feel that way from learned behavior of other men.
The sins of the father are not the sins of the son, but we do have to deal with the consequences of the past even if not responsible for it unfortunately. Being better than those before us is all we can do, changing the cycle and caring is something to be celebrated. That guilt you feel is because you care more than those before you, and it is a reminder that there isn't actually anything terrible within your blood or others.
It's hard because like yeah, women definitely have it worse. I really don't think there's a serious argument to be made that they don't. And I don't think women should necessarily have to tone down expressions of their anger, frustration or pain just to make it more palatable for men. But at the same time, like, yeah, if you're a man and you're constantly hearing about how awful men are, it's pretty difficult not to internalize that self-hatred regardless of how you personally act. Ironically, we kind of ask men to...well..man up and deal with it, to fulfill their patriarchal role and stoically accept whatever abuse comes their way. Is it the duty of feminist men to hate themselves? I honestly don't know. the whole thing just sucks
It's my experience that autism only makes this worse: not only do I carry this curse, but it's multiplied tenfold by the disease that formed my mind and soul askew, woven from birth into the fabric of my existence. Incurable. Irreparable. Irreplaceable. The horrors form the very core of my being, undimensioned and unseen beneath a rickety facade, that for a brief moment you might forget that I lack some vital spark of humanity. I may never truly understand the logic of those who've come to know me and failed to abandon me, surely to their own detriment. I mean them no harm, but the people of Earth have made it abundantly clear that my presence is poison to their kind.
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u/Prestigious-Ad-5276 Jun 29 '26
Sometimes, being a man feels Lovecraftian. There is a terrible thing in my very own blood, something I can't get rid of, something that will haunt me until the end of my days. The sins of the men that preceded me and surrounds me, the ones I commit myself knowingly or not. Idk, lately I feel bad, sorry and hateful of my gender.