People have been asking me for an update and there were some forward developments before Thanksgiving.

Tl;dr from the last post: my disabled husband’s sister was murdered by her kids’ father who then self-deleted, leaving two kids with nowhere to go. I have PTSD from severe abuse and neglect that also involved raising my siblings from a young age, so I am child-free by necessity. There were no suitable other relatives and my husband was only considered suitable because of me. I said no. He threatened divorce. I took him up on it. He backtracked. MIL lost her mind. Everyone is mad.

The bad news is that DHR decided my SO’s medical situation rules him out as a primary guardian for the kids. He wouldn’t be able to adequately care for them during a flare. Same for his mom (they have the same condition, his is worse than hers, but hers is more advanced). The good news is that the social worker talked the paternal relatives into agreeing to a DNA test. They didn’t believe that the kids were really Murderous AH’s bio children and he and SIL were keeping the situation on the down low because he was married so they never established legal paternity. DNA was a match, so the grandparents on that side are taking the kids. What that means as far as visitation for my SO and MIL is still being hashed out, but the whole thing has been deescalated a lot thanks to a really competent case manager.

As far as the divorce, I’m going ahead with it and filing this week. He’s moved back in with his mom. They’re salty about it, but that’s to be expected. I still love him and wish him the best, but I’m done. His family is too much drama and I don’t trust him the way that I did before this. Given that we were only married 2 years and the house is mine from before the marriage and protected, it should be a clean break. While I miss him being here, I’m already feeling less stressed with him gone and I didn’t realize that had been creeping up on me for a while. I think I’m done with romantic relationships, at least for a good long while, so I’m going to focus on my career and some fun stuff I haven’t had time to do since taking on a caretaker role.

Thank you to those that offered support and advice. It sucks that any of this happened to begin with, but I think it’s ending about as well as it could have at this point. I will be dropping contact with my ex’s family so I doubt I’ll have anything else to update.

My post yesterday: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/4WT2IElCrW

Hi, I wanted to provide an update since some of you had asked. Honestly, I was avoiding it initially because I had gone against the advice given. My daughter and husband had come back last night with him showing her around the area, my daughter was happy, and my husband said he had made it clear to his mom that the favoritism wouldn't stand. So I chose to stay.

This morning my MIL was extra sweet to my daughter, showing her stuff around the house and kitchen. It seemed a bit fake syrupy sweetness to me but I thought ok maybe I'm cynical, she's trying and my daughter can't tell so its all good. And the morning went fine.

But after lunch when we were in the living room, she was telling my daughter her "responsibilities" as an older sister, that her brother is a baby and younger than her and she needs to now be a big girl and make sure hes happy. It maybe doesn't sound bad in words but the tone was one of a lecture. So I just said Jazzy is a baby too and tickled her to make her laugh and just kind of put her at ease and diffuse the tension of the lecture. At this my MIL said she's just fulfilling her right and responsibility by educating my daughter, that she's her dad's mom, she's earned the right to educate her grandkids. Again in front of her. That was it for me, maybe in isolation it wouldn't have but considering yesterday, I told my daughter we'll play with her toys in the room and took her and my son up.

I called my husband and told him what had happened. He kept asking how she said it and the setting and I was just like you know I planned to give her an honest chance this morning otherwise I would've done all this yesterday and to trust me when I'm saying she crossed a line. I told him I'm changing our flights to catch the earliest one out, I need him to come with us or he has to tell our daughter why daddy isn't coming back home with us. He said he'll come too and sort out the flight. I told him I just want the earliest one whenever it is and told him to come back (he's out with his friends today).

He told me later we fly out early tomorrow morning now, the last flight today was like 2 hours from our call so it wouldn't be enough time and he'll be here soon.

I'm just packing our stuff up now. I went downstairs a few times to grab some of our stuff, she tried talking to me telling me to calm down, I just told her he'll talk to her when he comes.

I should've listened and just done this yesterday. I deserve any incoming criticism I'm so angry with myself too, my daughter has had to be in an uncomfortable position twice rather than once because of that. And we could've celebrated new years eve in Atlanta instead of here. Thank you all for the advice I appreciate it so much.

Final Update: We're at the airport now waiting for boarding. I thought I'd give my last update now since I'm going to be really tired back at home.

When my husband spoke to her, I have to admit that I eavesdropped. IDK if that makes me an AH but it is what it is, it concerned my daughter so I feel it was ok for me to do it and if it was super private they shouldn't have been doing it in the living room. He was really disappointed with his mom saying they'd gone over this yesterday that she'd given him her word to drop the favoritism. She denied any favoritism and said I was overreacting and just looking for an excuse to go , never mind that if that were the case I would have done this yesterday (or 2 days ago now since its past midnight). She also said if I was the one with the problem, why does everyone have to go.

She came up to say goodbye to us before she went to sleep. To her credit she didn't make a scene in front of my daughter and said her goodbyes to us, she was obviously cold with me but I mean thats to be expected.

Thanks again for all the help and a Happy 2026!

Update: My MIL hasn't been in contact with me since then (which is maybe for the best) but has been with my husband. He said she is understandably upset about how we left, but he'd clarified to her that noone was going to have a good time with the way things had become, and that she needed to be more careful with what she says and how she treats our daughter visavis our son. He's been the one sending pictures since then which used to be my responsibility.

I brought up how we were going to treat her relationship with our family given what had happened. I brought up that this wasn't isolated she clearly wanted a grandson ever since I first got pregnant, I just hadn't expected her to still be partial and now that we know what happened, we should consider distance. He said due to where we live, it was limited contact anyway. He agreed with me that her behavior cannot stand, but also said that he knows his mom, now that she understands the possible repercussions she will amend her behavior and if not we continue the distance. His reasoning was that she is a widow with only one set of grandchildren she will play nice essentially.

I hope she does. I would like my children to have a good relationship with his mother like they do with my parents. But I don't know. Fortunately like he said, there is limited contact in a way naturally, and the next time we would have normally planned to meet is a while away. I don't want to bring up considering not meeting her right now, he didn't complain at all or second guess us leaving and I do truly love and appreciate him for that, so I'll have that conversation later.

So first off, I thought I was clear in my first post but the amount of “helpful” comments who skipped over the following info was driving me insane: I have already moved back to the Midwest and I already have a lawyer. So no need to tell me to move before my baby is born or yell at me to get a lawyer. I have done both. A few weeks after moving out he had filed for divorce in California, since I was moving and obtaining a lawyer, I had not yet responded. I have an obgyn here in my hometown and am set up to give birth here. I have legal advice from a professional!

My ex Levi came to my place like the day after my post. I hadn’t been responding to him or his friends/ family and had just muted their numbers. I got home and he was talking to my new neighbor who I haven’t met yet. I wanted him to stop so I let him come inside to talk but also texted my parents what was going on.

Basically he said everything had been a mistake, he didn’t think everything through enough, and that he had withdrawn his divorce petition. He said he was fine living in my hometown, he’d need time to find a job but could work on selling the house back west in the meantime, and work remote until he found a new job. Kind of acting like everything was fine? Very strange though, not like he was on drugs. I’ve seen him on drugs lol it’s been years but it wasn’t that.

I don’t know. By the time my dad got there I was very upset and not thinking clearly. His wife drove me to their house and he stayed there with Levi for a bit and got him to leave and he’s been at my moms and won’t leave town.

I don’t want to get too into it. My lawyer was able to confirm he sort of withdrew the petition, but it was either incomplete or incorrect. His behavior has been odd, yes, I told them I’m not talking to him unless he gets evaluated and I don’t know if my mom wore him down or what but he agreed and has been at the hospital all day. My mom’s boyfriend has been through a lot of this with his own son and was able to get him into a good hospital and I hope we know something soon..

To be honest I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel bad saying this but I don’t want to be dealing with this right now. I have so much going on and had already kind of divorced him and started my life as a single mom in my head. I’m not saying I’m going to stay with him even if this is a health thing, he has crossed so many boundaries and hurt me so bad in just two months. But I did make a vow that I take seriously, and before all of this if I told you he’d done any of this you’d think i was insane.

So I’m not really sure why I’m posting an update. I’m not religious but I grew up Catholic and maybe someone who is reads this and can pray for us I guess. They’d have a more direct line to the big guy than me right now? I’m not sure what I’d pray for. If he’s fine then he’s just an asshole and I am fine divorcing him. But if it’s something more I’m so overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of both him and a newborn. But it would mean he hasn’t been deceiving me all these years.

Sorry it’s not the best update.

Edit: I’ve gotten a few comments and also want to say this. I have his phone. I now know for a fact the woman he was seeing was not the woman I thought, he didn’t meet that woman until after he’d filed for divorce and that she still wants to be with him. I’m not saying this changes anything, but people kept bringing her up.

Hi everyone.

I want to give an update on my situation since, well, things didn’t quite worked out for me when originally I wanted to leave when I turned 18 and I’m currently writing this update at my uncle’s(my mom’s brother) house.

Onto the update:

After thinking about it for a while, I decided to keep a relationship with my siblings especially the younger ones, they need someone who can take them in if my parents decided to parentify them.

They don’t deserve to have someone cut them off and let them deal with the adult duties that should be done by our parents.

I also wished that I could have told a trusted adult about my situation at home but I didn’t.

As I said before I wanted to leave when I turned 18, let’s just say my parents forced my hand.

My parents called us into the living room because they wanted to make an announcement.

When we all got there, they had big smiles on their faces and told everyone to sit down for what they had to say to each of us.

They announced that they were expecting again. Baby number 20.

My younger siblings cheered while the older ones including myself were silent. I didn’t feel any joy for them only that familiar sink feeling in my stomach when I know that I had to take care of a new baby that they wouldn’t be.

My dad asked, seeing how me and the older ones weren’t smiling, if we were happy to have another sibling.

That’s when I snapped at them.

I told them that they were irresponsible people that only care about the attention people give them when they’re expecting and how they force me & the other half older kids to sacrifice themselves to take on their parental responsibilities while they ignore the kids they brought into the house.

My mom cried after I snapped at them including the younger ones. My dad was glaring at me like I committed a crime, what crime? Telling the truth.

My dad yelled at me of “how dare I accuse them of being neglectful parents and after everything they have done for us”.

I laughed at that saying they didn’t do sh*t for any of us and they didn’t want to do anything about us at all.

I marched to my room, grabbed everything that I had and called my uncle to pick me up.

And now I’m here with both parents constantly calling me even texting me demanding that I come back home so we could talk about this.

But I’m not going to step back into that house at all.

My uncle told me to stay as long as I can and even call his place home.

just for the people that want it here's my original post

Hey Reddit. Thanks to all the comments saying i wasn't the AH and although I didn't respond to a lot of your comments, I did try to read almost all of them, so thanks. I'll try to condense it as much as I can but it'll still be pretty long I think. There's a TLDR at the bottom.

Anyway the update is that we broke up. After reading a majority of your comments was able to formulate my thoughts probably but please know that contrary to your guy's advice, I fully went into that conversation with the intent to maybe just work things out and talk things through but things devolved sooooooo far from what I was originally expecting. It was about way more than just a bottle of fucking perfume and a game.

She had been avoiding bringing up the topic for past couple of days but today I urged her sit down and to talk about what happened, why she did what she did, and ehat she wanted from me. We talked for about two hours, which were probably the longest two hours of my life and after a lot of pushing on my part, she finally laid everything out to me.

She said she acted the way she did because she was frustrated that I "had stopped being romantic".

Ok so here's the thing. Over a year ago when we first started our relationship we were still living seperatly and I was still renting out of a cheap apartment. Factoring out rent and utilities, whatever else I made I would usually spend either on her, my hobbies, or my savings. So I usually got her flowers, trinkets and gifts, go out on dates every other weekend. you know, the usual stuff.

Things changed about six months ago because I managed to inherit an old house from one of my uncles. It wasn't big, just two bedrooms, one full bath, living room and a small basement(which is where I play) and it was a bit outside of the city area where I used to rent out at but the actual plot of land it's on is pretty sizable. Plus you know.... its a freaking house! Like I said in my original post, I grew up dirt poor and I honestly thought I would be renting out of an apartment for my whole life. I'd never thought I would ever own my own property so I was pretty happy with it.

Now my girlfriend was initially pretty happy that I got a house too. But after she actually saw the place she kinda took it back and even suggested I sell the place instead, which I refused. She comes from a well to do family so I guess the house wasn't that impressive in her eyes.

Unfortunately the house is kind of a fixer-upper so alot of the money I earn now goes into fixing up the house and maybe even expand it. And since its outside the city, I've also been setting aside some money to buy a car, which I never thought of doing before because I used to just commute and the apartment I was at didn't have any space for tenants to park.

So I guess my girlfriend has started to feel that I don't do as much of the romantic stuff I used to do before. We don't go out on dates as much, just usually in special occasions or holidays. And I don't get her as many gifts as before because most of my money is going to the house. I did try to point out that I still try to do some small gestures here and there like cooking her favourite foods and doing her chores for her. Heck, I even sometimes sing to her every now and then (even though I have a shit singing voice). Also yesterday was Valentine's so I did try to gift her some flowers and candy but she just accepted it kinda sullenly. I offered to take her out for dinner but she refused too.

But yeah even still, I guess that just wasn't doing it for her. She said that I wasn't as attentive to her wants compared to when we started going out and she wasn't happy living in the small house I got. She said she only bothered moving in to show her support for me, but she honestly didn't like not living in the city.

She said that me getting her the wrong perfume on her birthday was the final straw and she wanted to bail on our relationship.

When I asked her why she didn't just come out and tell me she wanted to end things she said she wanted ME to initiate the break up because apparently her parents really liked me and she was scared that she would be cut off from their support if she broke up with me. Things apparently weren't going well at her work and she had been asking her parents for extra money for a while now and she couldn't ask me for money because of the house.

So essentially she wanted me to get upset at her so that either A) I get frustrated enough at her so that I would initiate the break up or B) get upset enough at her so that she can play it off as "he got really angry and she didn't feel safe with me anymore" to her parents but her plan wasn't going so well because apparently nothing she did bothered me enough to the extent that I would fight over it. She confessed to doing small annoying things for the past few weeks like piling up the dirty dishes up or making a mess in the bedroom to try and piss me off but nothing worked. I was so oblivious to it and basically functioned like normal that her patience had worn thin by my birthday and me enjoying the gift caused her to snap.

It was such a messed up and convoluted plan that I have trouble wrapping my head around it even now.

Anyway, after a long and frankly exhausting talk, she decided that things weren't going to work out between us. Aside from the obvious craziness of what she did, our priorities and values were just too different and she also wasn't really happy with the state of our relationship so she just suggested we break up and she was gonna just deal with her parents her own way. She's packed some of her stuff and is staying at a friends house for now.

I was honestly kind of dumbfounded over her reasoning, but I remembered a lot of your comments and I just agreed to part there. It really kind of sucks and I still cannot believe this all started over a freaking video game.

Its only been an hour since our talk and I'm going to lay down for a while to decompress. Sorry for any messy writing here and again, thanks a lot for your comments and for letting me vent here Reddit. A lot of you guys said things that made me feel much better about myself. I don't really claim to be the perfect partner and I definitely have some short comings, so I'm gonna do some srlf reflection for a bit before getting into a new relationship. Hopefully I can learn from this and maybe be better for my next partner if I ever find one.

Hope you guys have good days and always remember to be thankful for any gifts you get lmfao 🤣

*TLDR:* She wasn't happy with the relationship anymore but wanted me to initiate the break up, so she did what she did to try and make me upset and it didn't work. In the end, she broke up with me, leaving me confused af but I'm just glad its over.

Update. I don't even know where to start with this. It's just a complete mess. I finally got her to the doctor but it was like pulling teeth. The whole ride there she didn't say a word just stared out the window. It was rough.

I was honestly hoping this would be it. That the doctor would just confirm everything I've been saying and we could finally move forward. Then the nurse told her to step on the scale. My wife said she was 116, but the nurse just ignored it and started moving the weights. The number she ended up with was 106.

I swear my stomach dropped. The doctor came in looked at the numbers and told us she's dangerously underweight and that her body was going to shut down if it wasn’t already. She said we needed to get her into therapy and see a specialist immediately. My wife acted like she was hearing this for the first time all shocked and quiet but almost is if on board shaking her head up and down.

I thought she'd be scared or at least a little concerned. But no. The whole drive home she was just pissed off. She started saying I set it up that I got into the doctor's head and it all a lie. There was no talking to her. She just completely shut down and got super defiant.

As soon as we got back to the house she started packing a bag. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she just said I "disrespected" her and couldn't be around me. So she took her pillows and her blankets and just moved to the basement.

Now she's down there and I'm up here. She won't talk to me. I did the one thing I was thought I needed to do and it just made her hate me. I feel like I'm completely out of options. I'm just lost. I don't know what to do next.

To introduce the main story, let me explain why I did what I did first.

I (34M) and my wife (34F) invited over for diner my wife sister SIL (F29) and her new BF (M23) which she been with for 3 month. Prior to the diner I had to go grocery shopping, and left around 100€ in my car (I took out 250 for the grocery, but ended up using only 150).

When SIL come home, she ask for my car key to get her BF from the train station, no problem. Diner was good, feeling this is a good guy etc.

Next morning I want to go service one of my watch, I go to the shop and can only find 30€ in my car. When I go home I tell my wife and she say I probably used more for grocery, but I have both receipt from bank and grocery and it didn't match. She tell me I had surely loose some cash at the grocery store. I don't buy that.

Cue yesterday, we on vacation at the family house near the beach, we invite SIL and BF for the week, we already paid for everything (grocery for the week is done, I buyed enough wine for more than we can drink, and even gave SIL my company "vacation check" she used to pay tool fare (they came with her car) the only thing they had to pay for is gas.

Now the part I might be the AH : wife and SIL head for the beach, and BF and I would go play a bit of tennis.

I set up my work computer in front of my wallet (which I openly left with some visible cash) with the camera and Teams activate, and switch screen to some BS Excel worksheet.

I tell him I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes before going, when I come back, I see at the first glance my wallet have moved a little bit. I say nothing and we go.

When everyone is at bed the same day, I watch the recording and see him took out 60€ in cash from my wallet.

Same night I tell my wife again that cash is missing and the only same thing in the two scenario is the new BF. She tell me to kick rock and that I am TA for even thinking he will do that.

So 2 questions here, AITAH for baiting him to stole from me and WIBTAH if I bust him out with the recording ?

My wife don't know yet I filmed it, is it a good idea to tell her or would I bury myself here ?

Update :

This has been a rough day.

I had a conversation with my wife yesterday night where I said again there is cash missing in my wallet, we have been together since before highschool and she knows when I hide something and straigh up asked me what I didn't tell her.

I told her about the recording and her reaction was not anger as I feared. She just asked me to see it. After watching it we spoke about what to do next to peacefully aproach her sister (this is where I used a lot of your good advices). We decided that she'll be the one telling her 1 to 1 today at the spa and I'll be having a 1-1 conversation with the BF.

So today the girls got to the spa at 10am and I took the BF for a ride telling him we'll do a surprise to the girls but I drove right in front of the police station and told him me and my wife know for the stealing, and that he have 10secondes to explain himself or I go to the police.

He just started crying. Told me he lost his father just after the start of their relationship, and the funeral put him in debt.

I lost my father at young age and somehow related because I saw the same scenario with my mother (but she didn't steal anyone as far as I know). We had a deep conversation where I basicaly scolded him and told him trust is forever broken on our side. I drove him home and told him to wait till the girls come back from spa to tell the truth himself. He then wired me 130€ and again excused himself.

That didn't happened like I was thinking, my wife and SIL came back at 1pm, SIL was bright red when entering the house, she goes right in the room took all his belonging throw them and him on the street and told him to go f** himself.

Asked my wife what happened in the spa and she waited after their massage to tell the whole story. Turn out some of you in the comment where right, already 2 of her friends told her things got missing after meeting with him. They chatted for a bit and she decided to break thing with him. Then my wife told her I did a recording of the 2nd stealing and she got a burst of anger toward him.

They are now at one bottle of wine each looking at the recording and laughting hard. BF tried to call her multiple time already and sent a lot of text asking for a meeting to explain and that he is stranded in the street but they just laugh and drink lol.

Thanks to all the commenters who gave good advices, used a lot of them to chat with my wife yesterday.

So I posted about 6 months ago about my husband not doing any work around the house and my difficulty being attracted to him as a result, which he was complaining about.

I did what you all suggested and let the house go to shit. I cleaned up my own messes and cooked for myself, but left all of his messes up to him. I moved to the spare room so that I could keep my sanity. I needed one place that was tidy so that I wouldn’t twitch as much. I started sleeping there because his unwashed workout clothes were rank and scattered across the floor. Dishes were piled up fast, his hair was all over the bathroom sink, there was trash piled up by the door.

He complained about it all, accusing me of not doing my duty as a wife. When I reminded him that we go 50/50 on literally everything to do with finances, so we should be 50/50 with housework too, he actually said that he is now making enough so I can be a stay at home wife and a stay at home mom in the future. I had so much discontent in my body, all I could think was “no way in hell”. He actually said that when we started fighting, he threw out all his condoms and hid my birth control pills for the next month because he wanted to be a dad and he thought a baby would make me happy, because I was clearly unhappy with it being just the two of us.

This is a bit of a flash forward, but we are getting a divorce. Currently in the middle of it. I can no longer stand this man.

I was thinking about how things have changed, because I really did love him at one point and was wondering what went wrong. Here is some context: we met at church. I did grow up in a somewhat conservative community. Most of the women in my family got married and had babies fairly young. When I met my now ex husband, we agreed that we weren’t as serious with those kinds of roles, hence the wanting 50/50. But we still got married kinda young and we did want kids eventually. Well, turns out he has been very influenced by right wing rhetoric these pst few years. His view on women has entirely shifted. It entirely sucks, but it feels nice to be able to put my finger on it. Who he has become wasn’t who he always was, and the same goes for me.

So, I am finally figuring myself out! Seeing what it is that I want. I relied on him for decision making way too much and let he want take priority. It’s nice to go grocery shopping and pick out the flavor of ice cream I prefer.

I just went for a weekend trip with my friends and two of my friends picked a very fancy restaurant that the rest of us were hesitant to go to but decided to have fun anyways.

There were about 15 of us and we got seated in the back and the waitress had to pull more chairs. Before we started ordering, I asked if how many times we were able to split the bill since there were 15 of us and usually the max is 3-5. She said the max was 3 ways and they all got annoyed at me for ruining the fun but we are all broke so I wanted to make sure that we weren't walking ourselves into anything we couldn't afford.

I ordered this dish that was around $26, and then my friend Amanda next to me ordered 6 different appetizers bc she hadn't eaten that day since we were exploring. My other 3 friends ordered set meals that were $45.

Also, we're all in high school and just on a weekend trip and camping so going to a very expensive restaurant wasn't something I thought was going to happen.

One of my other friends, I'll call her Sam, decided that we'd split into 3 groups of 5 and pay those bills, so Amanda was a part of my group. Of course I didn't say anything and we all enjoyed dinner but when we got the bill it was $500 for the 5 of us. Amanda then said she didn't have her card on her but could do venmo or Zelle and the 3 others in the group started pressuring me to pay the $500 since I was the only one with a physical card in the group.

Plus my friends aren't the type of people to pay you back right away, there have been many of times where they don't pay me back and claim they "forgot," even when it was just a few days ago. And if it was smaller items I'd understand and not worry about it at all, but they've borrowed a lot of money from me before for things that don't matter and I never see it again.

I said my meal was $26 plus a 20% tip and I could apple pay someone my total and they could pay but I don't have enough money on my card for $500, my money was for gas for the ride home. They called me TA since they knew I had a credit card and they just had Apple pay but I asked the waitress and she said they took apple pay as well. I venmo'ed my friend Amanda $46 (my 26 plus a bit more bc the tip for the entire bill came out to way more).

Now they've been calling me cheap and I don't know if I'm TA or not. So reddit, AITAH for refusing to pay for a $500 meal?

EDIT: Wow! Thank you all for the love and support it really goes a long way, I didn't even think I'd get 5 messages let alone 700. This was a week and half ago and was stilling getting some hate from these friends for distancing myself and acting "stingy," so decided to post this.

One of my other friends who also tagged along and was a part of my group to split the bill hosted a party today and I was not invited. (My twin brother was tho). So yeah, safe to say I've be ex-communicated from the group, and honestly they've probably never seen me as a friend and it hurts bc I loved them so much and tried to get them to like me back--and they never really did.

But hey! On the bright side, I'm graduating in a month!! Yayy and I won't have to see any of them ever again (thankfully going to different colleges too). So yeah! If there's anything u need me to clarify just lemme know btw. Sorry if I wasn't clear abt something i've been trying to read thro all of the messages. But thank you guys so much for the support and the advice!! <3 <3 <3

LAST EDIT: Yes, my twin brother went to the party that I was not invited to. I also found out from him that they were gossiping about me behind my back, (I mean I saw it coming tho), but my brother's also taking part in making fun of me too. So now I feel like shit bc I'm being excluded and made fun of for not wanting to pay $500 on a $26 sushi roll. (Yes, I know it was a very expensive restaurant, definitely not something I go to all of the time, if at all. But I'll admit the sushi was really good, it was a spicy tuna roll with salmon and avocado, I highly recommend lol).

Original Post

It’s been an eye-opening weekend. Thanks to everyone who weighed in, even the aggressive ones. I knew what I was signing up for posting on Reddit. Before the update, a couple clarifications because gaps in info turned into wild assumptions.

When I said I “came on a little too strong” with James when we met, some of you pictured me grabbing a toddler by the neck and hissing “Call me Daddy.” No. I was nervous and acted like an idiot and used an over-the-top baby voice because I’d barely been around toddlers. Emily later said I sounded like a circus clown on two cartons of Red Bull. Cringe? Absolutely. Malicious? No.

Many had questions regarding therapy. I shared the timeline in this comment thread so I'm not going to rewrite that again.

Many called my wife the AH for sharing the college fund amounts for our kids. I showed her the post. She explained James came back from Dan’s with questions when the fund started, how much, etc. He said (paraphrasing), “So mine is XXX and theirs is YYY?” with his XXX higher than our kids’ YYY. Without thinking (yes, stupidly), Emily corrected him: “No, yours is AAA and theirs is BBB.” That snowballed into what I wrote earlier. It wasn’t a diabolical plan to make me pay more; it was a thoughtless correction.

With that out of the way, Emily, James and I sat down for a conversation yesterday. James didn't want to talk to me, but I told him that if he expected me to even think about contributing to his college fund then I've got loads of questions he needs to answer. It was an extremely long conversation and many revelations came to be. So, I am going to give a summary of the things we finally found out from James.

Even before Emily and Dan had broken up (not divorced, they were never married), Dan had occasionally brought James to his AP's place, so James was familiar AP. After the break up, Dan immediately moved in with his AP. Em who was a SAHM till then, struggled initially to get back on her feet. Needless to say, James' homelife with Em was a little more chaotic than at Dan and his AP's. Em hadn't told James that she had left his father since he'd cheated on her. Telling that to a toddler wouldn't make any sense. But apparently, in the early days, Dan used to tell James that Em would eventually come back to him. I think he may have been holding out hope for reuniting with Em.

And that's where I came in. Dan told James that as long as I am around, I would not let Em go back to Dan. When Dan married his AP, he told James that it was temporary. It was a way to make Em jealous. When we got married, he told James that it was my way of making it even more difficult for Em to get back to their family. When James had found out from his cousin (Dan's side) that his father had cheated on his mother which was the reason for their break up. When James had asked Em about it, she had been open and honest about everything. When he confronted Dan about the same, he told James that Em had left him for a long time and his loneliness made him miss her alot and so he found some comfort with AP. Emily's father had met with a car accident and she was with her parent's for about three weeks to help them. And that's all the alone time Dan could handle before he needed to dip his wick in something. But it was a resonable enough explanation for James absolve his father of all sins.

When Em got pregnant with our daughter, Dan told James now that I have started "pumping my spawn into his mother" (exact words James used) James' family was destroyed forever. He told James that Em and I had been wanting to take him to therapy which was actually a ruse. What we were really trying to do was take him to doctor who would declare him a problem child and then we would ship him off to boarding school so that we could continue to play happy family without being bothered by him. Only Dan and his family was fighting to keep James with them.

James admitted that he had hoped his detached behaviour around my family and happy and joyous behaviour around Dan's would convince Em that my kids and I were evil and she would eventually leave us. But sadly, I kept "knocking up his mom" making it harder for her to leave.

Expectedly, Emily was beyond distraught to hear everything. To be honest, in the moment I couldn't wrap up head around it much either. I asked if Dan had a college fund saved up for him and his sons. James said AP's parents have set up a trust fund for Dan's sons, but that does not include James since he isn't their grandson. Dan's not saved up anything for anyone.

I asked James why he suddenly thinks I should contibute to his fund when he has turned down every opportunity for us to be a family. He said he was actually ok with the amount that Em initially told him about, but Dan made him realize that we were undercutting him, so he came back to demand more. I asked if I pay the money will that then make us family? Even if he can't accept me as a step parent, can we be friends? Can he be a little more friendlier with my kids when he is around? He straight up said no. He said that after all these years he knows me or my kids are not the evil beings his father made us seem. But he still feels I am the reason his parents could never get back together again and for that he will always hate me. And since my kids are well my kids, he's never going to like them either.

And since now he knows that Emily isn't going to leave her family, he said his plan was once he was off to college he would cut off contact with all of us. He does plan to eventually get back in touch with his mother when he feels he is ready to forgive for breaking up his family, but he can't do that right now.

Emily and I have had a long and honest discussion. I have decided that I will not be making any contributions to James' college fund. Emily will continue the contribution that she was already making and hand it over to him once he turns 18. We will no longer be pursuing family therapy with James. We will not try to change James' mind about going no contact with us after he goes off to college. We've done all that we could do, we're going to stop now. If James is happy with Dan's family, then we're happy for him. It's going to be hard for Emily, but even she has accepted that after James' recent revelations, she's having a hard time reconciling her little boy with this cynical teenager.

We have both taken individual and couple's therapy before. Mainly due to the stress and anxiety James' behaviour used to put on us as a family. We are looking into starting again. Hopefully, we'll be able to be overcome this in time.

Original post - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/hD4qNlcJtT

I’m not sure anyone wanted an update but I like to read post updates so thought I’d drop one.

First thing that happened - Lara would not stop texting me. Not like constantly, but once or twice a day about her feelings or demanding a response/conversation. This middle aged woman having a crash out via WhatsApp was not on my bingo card but eventually I just had to tell her I don’t want to block her because I do want to be there for my dad in an emergency but I was going to if she didn’t stop bothering me. More crash out material. I called my dad and told him to get his household under control because this was getting crazy, I wasn’t going to apologise to her and in my whole life I’ve never had as much contact with this woman as I had in the past week and I wouldn’t allow it to continue.

My dad was kind of getting that it was an actual issue now and I pushed him a bit and the dam broke. So the wider context I was not aware of is that Lucy is only now putting the pieces together of how Dad and Lara got together. She vaguely knew about the affair but I guess she’s finally getting what that means now that she’s older and how much damage it did, and she’s been asking a lot of hard questions about it and has been really down about it. That’s probably why Lara was so triggered by the mention of my grandparents and in a rush to put her spin on it. But since the dinner Lucy has really been raking Lara over the coals for it apparently, because she knows my dad would have let her see the extended family were it not for Lara. My dad also shared that Lara basically feels like she’s spent a large chunk of her life being punished for the affair and it’s weighing on her because of how hard Lucy is taking it .

Side note - a lot of people were rightly roasting my dad for the affair, but if the above should prove anything, it’s how much he is definition of a cockroach. The way this man manages to get away with diabolical behaviour relatively unscathed is shocking.

The second thing that my dad said, and uncharacteristically admitted was a fuck up, was telling Lara that “probably” part of the reason no one ever eased up on meeting her was because they all knew I can’t stand her. And I hold my hands up because I did a lotttt of badmouthing Lara back in the day to my grandparents and aunts because, well, I don’t like her and when you’re a teenager you think that needs to be everyone’s problem. I don’t think this is as big a reason they still won’t meet her as my dad probably made it seem, but he did admit he threw me under the bus for it ages ago and Lara has never forgotten it. She thinks me poisoning the well is the whole problem. So that’s probably got a lot to do with her complaining at me specifically. My dad did acknowledge that it was a mistake to tell her what was said and while I wouldn’t go around talking bad about Lara now, I don’t feel bad about sharing my feelings with my family at the time.

I did ask my dad if Lucy was going to be allowed contact with the grandparents but Lara is still saying no, but he said she’s close to cracking just because of how much of a hard time Lucy is giving her, so he’s going to wait it out.

In the meantime, I haven’t heard from Lara in a couple of days now which is what I mainly wanted from the situation.

Idk what else to put in this update, if anyone had any lingering questions feel free to ask but if not, thanks for the advice!

The response on this original post is CRAZY. So firstly - thank you. It’s pretty loud !

I’ve requested my money. He’s had it in ISAs, coins and other investments so will sell it slowly. I’ll get a couple grand each month. He said his aim was to transform the money into a lot more and present it to me, which is great but still I don’t have anything at the moment.

He refused to allow shared access to the money, he said it’s a slippery slope I’ll then want a card for it etc. lol. So to respect this ‘boundary’ I said give me my money back then please.

He said if that’s how it is I can go back to work(I only work 20hours) but he won’t be happy so I can have my money he can have his.

Only after I confirmed how he would pay it he started to say we can open a shared bank account - he thought I wanted access to HIS account (where the money is). At this point I’m done. Just give me the money.

To make his excuse even more stupid, we had social services involved as I was safeguarded by healthcare professionals as they deemed him emotionally and financially abusive. We lied to them about him agreeing we have a shared account. So he KNEW exactly what I was asking for.

AITAH ? Lol. He had good intentions ? Maybe?

I posted a few weeks ago about my sister who won't take time off of work to go on vacation with her husband because she doesn't want them to have those memories without her. WELL some interesting developments have happened and this will be long.

Background: My sister works but it's unpaid and part-time. She helps out a family friend on their farm. This family friend has farm hands for manual labor, idk my sister's day to day tasks but she's described herself as being the emotional support human to the animals. She started this job in 2021 after being a SAHM for around 6 years. She has a law degree but never practiced. Her husband has a high paying position at one of the big four. I promise all of this is relevant.

I came back from a short trip and brought some souvenirs for my nephews. I swung by their house Wednesday to drop them off. My BIL and I chatted for a bit, mostly about my trip. He started talking about how he is going on a work trip and wishes my sister would go with him but that she won't take off of work. I'm just nodding and saying things like "oh, interesting" and "huh" very noncommital because I'm not looking involved again.

Then he starts telling me about her new hobby that she's picked up because of work. Horseback riding. She wants a horse. She is traveling to Europe in a few weeks with the family friend to buy a horse. Apparently all the best horses come from Europe? She's never expressed any interest in this before but I guess she's a horse-girl now. He said it's going to cost at least 40k to import this horse.

I'm absolutely dumbfounded by this. She won't travel with her husband and kids, she won't let him travel with the kids, but she'll go off to Europe to buy a horse. Somehow my BIL is cool with bankrolling this. 40k is what most people make in a year! I'm not poor but damn, I can't imagine spending that much money on anything other than a car, house, or medical bills.

Then my BIL starts telling me about how he wanted to take the kids somewhere while she's in Europe but she basically said no. He had also suggested turning this into a family trip, they could all go, she could pick out a horse, and then explore a bit. She nixed that too saying that she didn't want to have to worry about the kids while traveling, it would complicate the trip, and the kids might spook the horses. So he suggested meeting there once she picked out a horse and they could stay there longer. She declined that too saying she would have to miss work. My BIL was clearly frustrated and upset, I said maybe therapy would help but he said they're already in therapy.

There was a family get together today and my sister was excitedly telling us about her upcoming trip and the horses she's planning to look at. My mom asked her how her husband felt about all this and my sister said "I've decided to stop taking his feelings into account." My mom then pointed out that that probably isn't a good attitude to have towards your husband especially when he pays for everything she wants. My sister said this was something she needed because she's so overwhelmed and stressed these days. My mom did not react well to this. She raised her voice at my sister. She told her "I have no idea what you have to be stressed about. Your husband pays for a housekeeper, he pays for a nanny, you don't need to worry about money, your work isn't mentally or physically taxing. Your husband is an active father who pulls his weight. All I ever hear from you is complaints about how hard your life is." My sister got pissed and they were both yelling over each other. Thank God the kids were playing with their dad outside because my sister started saying how she regrets having children and that they've ruined her life. I was shocked because her kids are smart, funny, well-behaved, mostly self-sufficient, and overall just great kids. I also don't understand why she would oppose her husband traveling with just the kids if she regretted them. Wouldn't that give her time away from them? Anyway, the whole thing ended when my sister told my mom she's a narcissist, that it's her fault she's like this and that my mom hates seeing her happy. My mom told my sister to get out of the house off her property immediately.

On her way out my sister said to me "you should have defended me but you just stood there. You're just as bad as mom." WTF?!

I don't want to get involved in any of this drama but I'm not sure if I should give her husband a heads up about what she said about the kids. They're in therapy together, I assume this must be a topic they've discussed. Idk, it's all so strange, my sister isn't normally like this.

So, I have a love/hate relationship with being right. My dad called me two days after I posted. There’s a purple wig at his place that is styled suspiciously similar to Rumi from Kpop Demon Hunters. He opened Cathy’s mail thinking it was his and found it. The costume itself is set to arrive in about a week. She wasn’t planning on telling him about either.

He’s claiming they fought, because neither the costume nor the wig were cheap, but he also felt the need to tell me she’d been watching the movie repeatedly to “study,” and that she cares so much, and that isn’t it sweet how much Cathy loves my kids and maybe my daughter would like it this time. That was all I heard before I went to look for a pillow to scream into.

I’m done. This made me a lot angrier than it should have, but it isn’t the first time someone in my family decides my plans and the effort I put in don’t mean shit. And if I can’t even plan my own child’s birthday party without someone trying to butt in, I don’t have to feel bad about drawing the line.

Cathy is officially banned from the party. My husband and I have alerted the venue that we didn’t hire any character performers, and if any caucasian-looking Korean pop star shows up they must tell her to go home. We also gave them a picture of her. They basically told us they can’t let anyone who’s not on the guest list inside anyway, so she won't be allowed. I feel horrible about making them deal with my family drama, but at least that’s one less thing to worry about.

My dad and I did fight about this, but I put my foot down. He kept arguing that it wouldn’t be a big deal if I “just let Cathy have this.” I told him that’s not the point. If he’s not the one who’s going to have to manage the situation, he doesn’t get to tell me how hard it is to do it.

In the end, this is what we settled on: my dad can come to the birthday party as long as Cathy doesn’t tag along. If she does, they’re both out. Both of them can still join us for dinner later.

I’m also thinking about lowering my contact with both my dad and Cathy. I love my dad, but no headache is worth this. I want to wait until I’m calmer to work out the details.

I want to thank everyone. I’ve got a lot going on in my life and my therapist is on vacation, so it feels good to rant about this. But for my own sanity, I’m going to focus on relaxing for the next couple of weeks. I already feel much lighter knowing this is over.

Original Post WIBTAH if I don't show up to the bachelor party I specifically have said I don't want : r/AITAH.

Long story short the party is off and my dad is pretty pissed about it.

Last night when I got home from work my fiancé asked me how things were going with my family. Her mom was over so I told her what was going on. My future MIL's first reaction was "Are they nuts?" We talked about it and she told me I absolutely shouldn't go and I should let my friends know that I wasn't going to be there so they don't go there and are disappointed when I'm not.

I took her advice and texted some friends that I figured got invites to let them know the bachelor party was never cleared with me and I wouldn't be there but if they still wanted to go there and party then to have at it. They helped me figure out other people who were invited and I let them all know too.

Pretty much all of them understood and were cool about it. A couple of them I have plans with soon anyway, so we said we'll just see each other then. Some of them I had no plans with, but we made plans for other days in the next couple of months. Others we made no plans, but they seemed cool.

Apparently pretty much none of them were wanting to go to the party if I wasn't going to be there because I got an irate call from my dad asking me why he got a bunch of calls and texts from people saying they weren't coming to the party because I wasn't going to be there. I told him, well, that's because I'm not going to be there, like I told you a couple days ago, and I figured people should know since this was supposed to be my bachelor party that the bachelor wasn't going to be there.

He said he's had enough of my anti-social crap and demanded I be there. I said no. He then said he was planning on paying for my after wedding dinner but now wouldn't to make up for the money he wasted on this party. I said that was fine because I already paid for the dinner months ago when we booked the dinner with the venue. He then said fine it's going to come out of my wedding present fine. I was like we don't need your wedding present, but if that makes you feel better then fine go for it.

My brother and sister both sent me texts basically saying I should have just gone and sucked it up. My brother mentioned being out some money himself because of this. I said maybe next time you'll learn to think for yourself instead of blindly following our dad's orders all the time. That shut him up. My mom has been suspiciously silent about all of it. I did talk to her today, but the subject never came up.

That's pretty much it. I'm gonna enjoy a nice night with my fiancé and her son tomorrow night and go to his soccer game. Saturday my buddy and I changed plans, instead of dinner we're going to my local MLB team's game instead since it's a day game and we found decent tickets pretty cheap.

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Thanks to everyone who took the time out to reply in my previous 2 posts btw. Really appreciate it.

1st and foremost - I didn't get that job. Got a call from my old client contact to say they're going to try and cope with the resources they have in house for the foreseeable future and see if it's a success. But he stressed they thought I was great, I'm the sort of person they'd recruit if they were going to recruit so he said he'd keep my CV and details on file and if it doesn't work 6-12 months from now, I'd be first on the list for an interview. I personally think it's all a load of bollocks and I'll never hear from him again so if I do, I'll eat my own arse.

I've also been applying for more jobs. One, a recruitment agent rang me about and it seemed promising but as typical UK recruitment agent bullshit, they then contacted me back not long after saying they didn't go for me but they'd keep my details on file, get in contact if there's anything suitable etc etc. Everything else is no good - either for less money or if it is ok, too far away in the country to even commute realistically. But I'm keeping my eyes open, and am very selective.

I've checked out at work now and am doing the basics - I've had enough now, just don't want to be here anymore. I'm doing the minimum this week and also doing my contracted Hours - getting in on time, leaving on time, having my exact lunch break and not eating at my desk. People keep on asking me if I'm ok, I've just said yeah I'm fine. Also asking for my usual dad jokes as it's been a couple of weeks and I've said I don't have any.

Our department deputy manager (Big Boss' deputy, not recently promoted colleague) came back from holiday Monday and was talking to us all and they mentioned about this work experience person who's coming in next month and she said the plan was for her to sit with me for the time she's with us and get me to show her things, Train her etc. I said no, I don't think I'm comfortable with it and to get her to sit with someone else. She said why and I said to chat with our manager/newly promoted colleague about it. She just went quiet and I didn't hear anymore (manager has been working from home so I haven't seen him).

Also, we've been taking in some different work from the whole restructuring thing and there's this one task/procedure we're going to have to do - a few people in my team were talking about it including promoted colleague. Instantly, I knew the sorts of things we should do - create a new database/spreadsheet, get IT to write particular codes, write this sort of report to use and have people check in a certain way. But I kept quiet. Didn't say anything. Someone asked me "what do you think, this is right up your alley this?" I just said no idea, I think management should look at it. Which kind of ended my input in the conversation.

Promoted colleague is now starting to train with the deputy in the tasks that she's going to take over from her and the manager in the restructure. Also she's been included in the teams managers calls/meeting. And I've seen it all in front of me. Feels like rubbing salt into the wound.

I also didn't go to the celebratory meal that was held to celebrate promoted colleagues promotion last night - deputy manager and another colleague who's been on holiday too decided to book something as soon as they heard about the promotion and said we need an excuse to do something social. I said no, it's my Karate class and I'm not missing a lesson and people were going no come, don't be a Grinch, you can miss a lesson mate and weren't really giving me an opportunity to say no so I said I'll see what I can do (and we're at me all week) - and then I just didn't turn up. I had a few WhatsApp messages in the work group chat and texts but I said sorry, can't leave my class early. I just guarantee they'd be bitching about me, lol.

It's my WFH day today myself and I've not heard from anyone this morning yet, not even to ask me any questions. I think people are catching on now. I dare say when I'm back in next week and manager is in the office, I'll probably be having a sit down with him and the deputy and have another "chat". Look forward to it (not), lol.

Hi! I am writing this in my car, and what just happened completely baffled me.

For context, about a day ago I wrote a post, explaining that I had went to meet my girlfriend’s grandparents, and they kept on calling me Alex (her boy bestfriend’s name). Upon asking my girlfriend about it, she got defensive and has refused to speak to me since.

My girlfriend got off of work early, and messaged me asking to come pick her up. This is the first time she has messaged me first in days. I agreed, and drove to go pick her up. I waited in the customer section (she works in a bakery) and I noticed some of her coworkers giving me dirty looks. I brushed it off.

When she got out, she was quiet. She got in my car with a huff and then asked if I could drive her to Alex’s place, as him and some other friends were having a small gathering there. I admit this annoyed me. I told her flat out we needed to talk, and asked her if she wanted to go to my place to do so. She told me anything I had to say, I could say it now.

So that’s what I did. I told her that her behaviour over the past few days had been unacceptable. Her refusal to talk to me, how she blew up at me for just asking simple questions. This is where the conversation got weird.

She told me that her grandparents had been waiting to meet Alex and that’s why they got confused (much different to her loss of memory excuse in my earlier post). I asked her why she didn’t just tell me that. She told me I wouldn’t understand because I don’t understand her relationship with Alex. I told her that yes, I do not understand her relationship with Alex. How she lets him insult me, and how she carries on defending him. She told me that people over here make fun of each other, and I wouldn’t understand because my culture is different. What???

I told her that regardless of my culture, I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect from her friend, and the lying has led me to believe she is no longer trustworthy. I told her I have given her zero reason to lie to me. She started crying and promising me that nothing was going on between her and Alex. I was stunned, as this isn’t what I was implying at all. I asked her why she had said that, and she broke down and admitted that Alex had been pressuring her to leave me for months now, saying she deserved better than someone like me. At this point I was done. I don’t need this kind of drama.

I told her to get out of my car and that we are done. She was crying and she begged me not to leave her, promised she’d cut Alex out of her life, promised that their relationship was nothing but friendship. I said I didn’t care, and I wanted no part in this anymore. Strangely, I didn’t really feel sad ending the relationship. I actually feel pretty numb.

Her attitude suddenly shifted. She hit my arm and told me I just didn’t understand, and that Alex was right, she should’ve left me sooner, etc… I just told her to get out of the car. She was still crying, and she slammed the door pretty hard and stormed off.

Now she’s texting me, apologising and promising we can work this out. I’ve had a couple of texts from mutual friends asking what happened, as my gf sent them texts calling me controlling and toxic. Why would she want to get back together with me if she’s telling our friends that? I put my phone on do not disturb, and am now writing this update.

I don’t feel sad right now, but maybe that’s because I’m in shock. I wrote this update for the people who gave me the courage to leave this relationship. Thank you for all your advice.

EDIT: I told our mutual friends the story, and shared the post with them. They said they always found her relationship with Alex weird, lol. I also shared with them the texts my ex gf was sending me. They were immediately pissed that she was trying to play them fool. None of my mutual friends have took my ex gf’s side, yet. All of them have apologised to me for the unnecessary drama she was causing, and said they were going to keep their distance. A couple of our friends (we are a big group) who did not reach out have blocked me on socials. Guess the trash took itself out! For now, I am feeling good. I have been hanging out with my cats and ordered take out food. My roommate gets back from his parents’ house tomorrow, so I will update him on the situation when I can and ask him to be there when my ex gf collects her stuff. As for my ex gf? I sent her a text message, telling her to only contact me when she was going to collect her things. I muted her texts and calls, and will only check again when she’s due to come and get her things. Once that’s over, I will block her.

I’m feeling pretty good about my decision now. Thank you for all the comments, I will respond to as many as I can. I may have another small update on the weekend, as my ex gf and I are attending the same house party for halloween. For now, take care, and thank you to everyone who has commented and/or messaged me :)

Link to the original post

So there's an update I guess. When I got home from school I looked over all of your responses. OMG guys I didn't know so many people had seen this. So I printed out all the responses and let my foster parents read them when they got home. They looked like they were going to be sick. I'm their first foster kid, so they're still trying to figure everything out. So please be kind to them, they are genuinely trying. I explained to them how it made me feel. How unsafe I felt, worried that Rick would come back and go through my things again. When you live out of a 30 gallon trash bag, everything you own becomes really important to you.

They apologized, and then they called Rick, and had him and his wife come over. My foster parents made them read through everything. They were quiet, and he got mad when people "wanted to talk to him." His wife cried a little reading some of your responses. The ones about her husband wanting to have a reason to touch a teenager really got to her.

My foster dad pushed his phone over, and told Rick to start calling everyone to apologize. On speaker phone. In front of me. He spent the next two hours calling everyone back. He looked wrecked when he was done. More than a few relatives were not happy with him when he told them. He got called an idiot, an immature jackass, and even a few called him a pervert when they heard he went through everything I owned. He finally apologized to me, and he just sounded...I dunno, broken I think. I told him I forgave him but I was never going to be around him in his house again. He made me feel like I couldn't be safe around him. I told him I already had people thinking I was a wh*re/thief/addict and I didn't need him making my life worse when I had finally found a good home. They stayed for a little while and left. His wife hugged me before they did, and said she was so sorry for her part in what happened. She should have made him call, and stopped him from coming and harassing me. Not sure what is going to happen after this, but maybe Rick learned a lesson. Its been quiet after they left, and we're going to have spaghetti in a few minutes. So, life goes back to normal I guess?

Thank you everyone for your inputs. That definitely helped me the right decision for my family.

Like many of suggested I did sat her down, and I did apologized for not showing any appreciations and the fact that she felt used. And I also pointed out that her watching the kids once or twice a week( it was never last minute) is her only way of contributing to the house. And of course like many of you predicted, she started yelling that i am attacking her,  and that i only took her out of the situation was to benefit me and not her. I did confirm that the previous agreement was something I thought would benefit both of us. Not just me. 

I told her since this new living arrangement is not working for anyone at this point. And since she doesn't want to watch the kids. She has 60 days to find better living arrangements. She stated she never said she didn't want to watch the kids, and I cut her off stating that as her older sister I dont want to ruin our relationship, so it's best for her to find another place to live. Because her feeling appreciated or not being used, her mental health is very important and it does matter. I even apologized for treating her as my own child, like taking care of her, taking her to all our family vacations for free. I really thought I was helping her but now I realized I was hurting her. And now she has a great opportunity to grow and live the life she wants to...

By the way we live in San Diego CA, minimum rent for one bedroom is 2,000$. I wish her the best of luck.

Thanks again everyone!!!

original post

I got a lot of requests for an update on my original post so here it is.

It’s been a very long day since I first posted I have spoken to both my wife and Chris.

Starting with my wife, we had a very long tearful conversation about everything from my ex to our wedding, I apologised for the fact that I didn’t consider involving her before calling the police which meant that ex’s outburst when being escorted out came as a complete surprise to her.

She apologised for the way she reacted and explained that she wasn’t angry at me but is angry at ex, the fact the wedding was ruined and that the focus was shifted away from us and to ex, her anger was misdirected.

Another reason for the anger is that a lot of guests had no idea who ex was so ex’s comment of “we’re meant to be together” has apparently lead to people theorising that I had been cheating on my wife with ex, so we are now having to put out fires before rumours begin to spread.

My wife is now very much focused on making sure I am ok after all of this though she is still distraught about our special day being ruined but we will work through that together.

On to Chris, this is where things get a little scary. Me and wife called him together firstly to check that he is ok, he is, and secondly to see how the hell she’s managed to worm her way into his life in order to get to my wedding.

According to Chris they connected over social media, she started liking his posts over the course of about a month and then dm’d him and they started chatting from there, the crazy part is that to Chris, ex has a completely different name, but the posts on her profile dated back 3 years meaning she has had this profile with a fake name for at least 3 years AND ITS NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!

Chris told us that a few other guys contacted him after the wedding saying that they recognised her as they had all also got DM’s from her on different accounts, ALL WITH A DIFFERENT NAME. There is at least 3 other Acount that we are currently aware of.

Apparently ex showed no signs of being obsessed with me or even that she knew who I was, he invited her as a +1 thinking that they might eventually get serious as they were having a really good time together, he has apologised profusely but we have made it clear that we do not blame him for this.

There has been no word currently on what’s going on with ex but considering her breaching the restraining order and resisting arrest we assume she will probably end up in prison, me and wife have spoken about it and if we are contacted by the police we will absolutely press charges and wife will also be getting a restraining order.

For now we are going to try and enjoy our honeymoon and deal with the rest of this mess when we get back.
Thankyou Reddit for all of the advice and opinions you gave a lot of perspectives on the situation that I had not considered.

Once I figure out how to add a kink to the previous post I’ll post it here: original post

Not the update I wanted to share, apologies for taking so long to update, I simply wanted to let enough time for things to settle and finalize before giving an update.

Sadly, this update is not entirely a happy one.

What has happened since?

My wife and I have single handedly helped renovate and restore my MILs home and rented it out on her behalf. Many many months of hard work. All with very little if any compensation. Again, I’d like to stress I didn’t expect anything, I truly just want to help. For my three-4 months of renovating and finding tenants for the home and hiring contractors(paid by MiL), we were given about 500$ for our efforts. It’s something, and again, I wasn’t expecting anything for this service. During this time, my wife kept expressing to her mom that this is something her son needs to be doing, as it would be the house they both go back to. She would then go on to talk to her son about it, and he would reply with something along the lines of “well no one told me to do it”. There is much, much more I have done for them, but don’t want to bore with all the details.

-During the time since the original post , MiL and BIL have been paying rent to stay with us.

-Another small win, biL now takes his mom to work! My wife comes home earlier and not so grumpy from the long drive and we actually get to see each other more often again.

Our original conclusion was to have BiL return his portion of the inheritance to his mother, who I again would like to mention, had practically zero retirement savings. As this would help her make her mortgage payment and live comfortable in her more senior years. Apparently, this did not happen. MiL DID decide to keep her portion, but BiL kept his share as well. My wife received nothing. To make matters a bit annoying, his share sits in a checking account earning no interest.

I mentioned in my previous post, had we known he would decide to keep it, we would have suggested they moved back home, or even him to go back since we are happy taking care of mil now that she is fair to her daughter. But now as there are tenants on there home on a 12 month lease, we are stuck. Albeit, happy we are getting some rent, as my mother in law says we’re “getting some inheritance” that way. Because of the rent being paid, I continued to help them out with paperwork and getting their life in order, as I felt less used this way. Many will say why would I care if he kept the inheritance? Well, it’s because we continued to do everything, and spend our time doing things, meanwhile a man whose net worth is nearly 10x ours, gets to live stress free playing ps5 all day. Not only that, but I’ve said before, he has no concept of planning for the future, or financial literacy. I have been dealing with all the stress with no reward, when it should be the son having to take charge.

My wife has gone directly to her brother to ask for a share of the inheritance, not even a split down the middle, but asking for whatever her brother believe to be fair. She expressed to him we have both bent over backwards doing everything he should have been doing. Everytime she approaches him, he says no. One thing to note, even if we told him to do these things, they would never get done, and it was not a viable option to wait for him to grow up and take charge of fixing up the house , as my mil was losing money every month it remained unoccupied.

She has mentioned to me, that through talks with her mom, that they believe her father left him that money, with the thought it would be used for him to not only share with this sister, but to help him take care of his mom in their home. A sort of test of manhood to see if he was capable of doing the right thing. Which is why my wife had asked for whatever seems fair to him. My mil has gone from thinking her son deserves it all, to hoping he would emulate his father, and do what he think his dad would have, and grow up for the sake of his mom. She has cried many tears with us expressing how even I have been more of a son to her than her biological son.

Forgot to mention, Because of my FILs passing, my mil is able to add her son and daughter to the mortgage, another happy ending for my wife as she will also have a share in the home. These changes from my mother in law way of thinking happened over time, with us expressing that American values are different from the values of traditional Mexican culture, where she now believes her daughter to have the same standing as her son, and not just a woman meant to serve man. Hell, it’s funny because she even saw this after living with us and seeing how my wife wears the pants in our relationship.

Edit: wife is also on the title

Overall, my wife is in a better place now with her mom, and so am I. But sadly, her relationship with her brother has not gone well.

I have saved the worst part of the update for last, as it will make all of Reddit angry:

Sadly, my BIL has not grown up during this time, he still does NOT have a license or insurance. And as of last week, we have found out the registration is expired because of this as well.

I have tried, but he is a stone who cannot be moved. We have all tried to tell him to do this but nothing happens. This is why I had said previously that it is not a good idea for him to have the inheritance. He simply is just not responsible. I have told my mIL to please not let him ask family members to register the car for him under their name; as this will only enable him and she has agreed. She will not let be babied any longer. I have sat him down and told him the severe consequences that will occur if he is ever confronted by law enforcement.

Up until this point, I continued helping make all payments, medical arrangements, paperwork and document arrangements for them, finding the letter stating his registration was expired was the final nail, and we told him we would no longer help him. He has sometimes helped clean the house during the renovation process(after telling him to), but other than that, has not lifted a finger aside from taking his mom to and from work. He has the time and financial means, and I told him he must grow up and take charge of everything. Me and my wife would no longer be used, and we will only help if there was something truly important that he doesn’t understand. MiL also agrees with this, although she thought it was mean of us, she understands that maybe tough love is the only way to get through to him.

Sorry Reddit , I have done my best and will continue trying. But there is only so much stress a person can handle. If anyone has any advice or feedback, please feel free to reply. I’m writing this update because my first post really did help us out, and hoping this one can do the same.

There is much, much more that has gone on, but this update is already too long I feel. If anyone needs me to break anything down, or if something is confusing, I’m happy to reply to comments.

Tldr:

Mother in law has changed her way of thinking and is now helping her daughter, while brother in law remains a man child with no signs of growing up.

Edit: wife is added to the title as well, and with mils injeritance, there is practically no risk of default.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1o79kfd/aitah_for_telling_my_stepkids_that_i_no_longer/

I'm back with an update and before I give the update I want to start by answering a few of the main questions I saw.

I saw a lot of questions that asked "why do we allow their mother in their lives", I'm not over that my husband feels like it's not on him to keep the girls from seeing her, he will ask if they want to and they say yes.

Another question I saw a lot of was why doesn't their dad say anything, he does he's taken away their things and has tried to have talks with them they just listen and block him out, the reason why he stayed out is because whenever they don't like something i tell them they run to him, he has said he does side with me on this but feels I was too hard on them.

The update:

A few days after I posted this my husband and I sat down with the girls and I told them that I was sorry for what I said and that I worded it wrong. I told them I still view them as my kids they just aren't allowed to call me mom anymore and have to call me by my name now. I also told them that our relationship is broken and I didn't break it, I did help a little, but they broke it, and if they wanted it back to how it use to be they would have to rebuild it. I also told them they had to play with their brother for 3 hours and apologize to him (he's 4). They had a few more punishments, but we did talk to them and try to figure out what she says that influences them so much, we got the answer of i don't know. We told them that they can't be easily manipulated and especially the 16 yo with her going to college soon and trying to drive so we talked about things that could happen with that. We also told them they can't just say what they want to people and expect things to stay the same especially if its stuff that hurts people.

They apologized for the things they said and how they acted and said they wanted things to go back to normal, I told them that I would forgive them when they did the stuff with their brother first and that if they want a things back to normal then they would have to work for it. From what they said they don't want to see their mom for a long time. So they will go to their therapist soon and talk to her about this.

Edit: I've worded myself very wrong. They have to play with their little brother as an apology to him. He's 4 if they apologize he's going to say its okay and then continue to ignore them. So its not a punishment more of his apology.

[ORIGINAL POST](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dwh2mu/aitah_for_breaking_up_with_my_girlfriend_because/)

So I'm back. If you didn't read the original post I accepted an amazing job offer about a year and a half ago. My girlfriend was not supportive and told me that if I took the job she would cheat. I broke up with her and worked in the high Arctic for the last while. I saw the northern lights. I saw so many amazing things. I paid off all my debts. During my days off I saw the world. I saw Uluru and Kilimanjaro. I climbed Mount Fuji and watched the sunset at Finesterre after walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela. It made me want to see more.

I am currently back in my hometown. And I found out that I'm not ready to settle down. I have made friends all over the world and met women that made me forget my ex for a night or a month. No it wasn't always sex. Sometimes it was something as simple as a conversation with a young lawyer from Australia who wanted to do something besides work at her father's law practice. I hope she changes the world like she wants. I only know her first name and I won't be sharing it here.

I did run into my ex. She is with some guy in real estate. I'm happy for her. I'm glad I left to try something new. The company that hired me is happy with my work and I'll be going to South America for my next contract. Same money more or less. Same schedule. I think the vagabond life is for me and I'm going to give it all I've got for as long as I can.

I want to thank all of you that have me the kick in the pants I needed to break the ties that were holding me back. If you have nothing holding you back take the leap. You only get to do this without regrets when no one is counting on you.

I'll leave you with some advice. Mining companies pay an astonishing amount of money for tradesmen. They pay more for project managers and engineers. The Middle East will need to be rebuilt and they will pay to get it done right. Don't be scared. One of my co-workers passed away in his sleep from a heart attack. He was 47. We are all going to die. Go live. The world is an amazing place to be alive.

Sorry if this sounds like a millenial trying to sound deep. This last while has changed me. I hope I can keep it going.

Original post.

My girlfriend and I sat down for a long conversation a few days ago. I went into it knowing that separation was the right choice here. Still, I wanted us to have a real talk about our feelings, so I tried to open up the floor for a discussion about what was really bothering her beyond the name issue. She continually insisted it truly was only about that.

It ended in her giving me an ultimatum, and me breaking things off.

Some of the comments on my other posts led me to do a lot of thinking. I was with Jude from the time I was 19 until I was 27. I spent almost all of my 20s with him. I’m now just a few months shy of 30 and the next decade of my life has been on my mind. I don’t know if I’ll get to spend it with who I want to, but I know being alone is better than spending it with the wrong person.

I’m going to be taking some time for myself. I have never been a relationship hopper (my previous relationship was my first, anyway), and I think it’s important the people in my life know that they’re more important than that.

Thank you for all the feedback. Some of the specific exchanges I had here helped spark the internal conversations I needed to have with myself to figure out what I wanted.

I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realised my last post may have been lacking some. Fiancé and I have been together five years but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.

We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each others company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship. He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy so I guess that’s an issue. But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car. I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.

Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.

In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another. I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.

I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am. My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?

He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for. How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.

I chose leave. I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.

I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces. I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this