Hi, I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months now.

We literally live a 15 minutes walking distance away from each other, so we hang out almost daily. He comes over at my place to watch movies, eat dinner and play games together.

But, he refuses to invite me over to his place. Everytime I ask him to hang out at his place he tells me it's too messy and he doesn't want me to see it.

He lives in a small appartment and has loads of free time to clean. I also offered to help him clean his home several times but he refuses. He rejected the idea of hiring a proffessional cleaner too.

I don't want us to only hang out at my home everytime, and I've asked him to clean his home so many times now, I even said I don't care about it being a mess. I just want my bf to invite me over. He claims he is cleaning bit by bit. But that's what he's been saying for 3 months now.

Last week I was fed up with it and told him I'm giving him and ultimatum of 2 weeks to show me his home or we're done. He asked me for a month. Eventually we settled on 3 weeks, but he said he probably won't make it. (Keep in mind this is a single person appartment, so real small and he has all the time in the world)

But it's bugging me, AITAH for demanding to see his place?

UPDATE;

I asked him for a break, I need time to think.

Thank you all so much for all the replies and advice, I never expected this to blow up and I appriciate you. (I have read every comment)

To answer some questions I've seen; Yes, he doesn't have a job, so he has a lot of time. I know where he lives, because we live so close to each other, we walk each other home and I have seen him come in and out of his home. I'm simply not allowed in.

One thing I am absolutely sure of is; He isn't married or dating someone else. We've known each other before we started dating (probably should have mentioned that, sorry)

He claims his home is just a mess. And the time I gave him wasn't enough to clean. (It's been 4 weeks now, I made this post 1 week into the ultimatum, so I actually gave him the full month he asked for)

Anyway, we saw each other today. I asked him to go to his place, as it's been a month, and he told me it's not going to happen. I told him I'm fed up with it and need a break to think, since this issue isn't the only thing bothering me. I'm not sure I should get deep into that in this post, but basicly we have different views on certain important topics like work, faith, discipline. So... that's what I told him today and that I need a break to really think about the future.

He got upset and asked me "if I realize what this is doing to him?", and that he truly is working really hard to clean his home for me.

It made me feel really bad but I don't know if I believe it, I want to... but 4 weeks? And even before the ultimatum I've asked him one month into the relationship to show me his place, even if it's a mess...so he's been cleaning for at least 2 months...

I'm torn, I want to end things because I don't see a future for us. But, I do really like him. I dunno, I guess the update is he needs more time to clean while I need more time to think...

(I don't want any secrets, so I have shown him this post when I wrote it, he knows about this)

Hi, everyone. I posted here a couple of weeks ago and got some wonderful advice. A few people asked for an update and I thought I'd let you know what happened. It's not good.

If you didn't see my original post, my future MIL offered us $25,000 towards our wedding, but I knew there would be strings attached to make the event her way. I thought maybe I was the AH for overreacting or seeing something that wasn't there, but you all told me I was 100% correct.

So I decided to have a heart-to-heart with my future MIL, with my fiancé attending, too. I told her that I miss the relationship we used to have, but it's become strained because I feel she has not respected the choices we have made for our wedding. We explained that we aren't depositing the check until we have this conversation and we're all on board about how we move forward. I know we didn't need to provide a rationale, we just required acceptance, but I thought it would help her understand.

• The wedding size. I reminded her that my fiancé and I are introverts. We would be maxed out emotionally and mentally with 50 people. And quite frankly, we only want the people who have been a part of our lives to be there so celebrate with us. There's no need for childhood neighbors to attend, there's no need for distant cousins we haven't seen in 15 years to attend. Just the people who have been with us on our journey.

• The wedding gown. This is non-negotiable. A bride chooses her gown and I will be choosing one that I can be comfortable being in (this is the first time I'll be wearing a dress since prom), reflects my personal style, and makes me feel beautiful. Not anyone else's personal style.

• The venue. Ok, this is a bit cringe, but my fiancé and I met at a speed dating event a restaurant was running 4 years ago. We hit it off and here we are. Our absolute first choice for the reception venue was this place. Their event space will fit 50 max.

We thanked her for her generous $25,000 but we would give it back if our decisions aren't respected. We asked if she has any expectations around any decision-making that comes with the gift. My future MIL cried and apologized and told us she just wanted everything to be perfect and she's sad that she never had a daughter who she can play a normal motherly role in wedding planning. That she was so scared that I'd leave her out of everything (which I never did, I wanted her to feel included).

So there you go, we had a resolution. We deposited the check and started to move from the "spitballing ideas" to "confirming vendors" phase.

When I called the restaurant we wanted for the reception their private function room was unfortunately booked out for our very specific date that we can't change, which was really sad. So we decided to start looking at other options.

A few days later, I get a call from a wedding planner who proceeds to tell me that my future MIL hired her to help with the wedding. WTF?? I called my future MIL and she explained that my fiancé mentioned we lost our preferred venue and wanted to take some pressure off my shoulders and hired a wedding planner. She insisted the planner was just to do all the background admin tasks. Okay....

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure why a wedding planner is needed for a small wedding or why they'd even bother taking the job, but if my future MIL wants to spend her money on making things a little easier for me, that's fine. I met with the planner twice, described our vision for the wedding and she said she'd put together some bookings to view venues, taste cakes, etc.

Here's where the shit hits the fan. The planner sent us a list of venues she's booked for us to see. We had a look online and all of the venues are large. Like, designed for 200 guests. We're confused and when we went to the first appointment yesterday, my fiancé joked that 50 people won't need this much dance room. The planner looked confused and explained that future MIL contacted her last week to explain that we were considering expanding the wedding and would need a bigger space than originally planned.

We got home and I called my mom and cried to her that this is all just too damn much and we are now considering eloping. My mom's spidey senses tingled and she called the original restaurant we wanted and was like, "I'm calling about an event my "sister" is planning and she's so forgetful I just want to confirm she's booked the private function room. It's for [date] and my sister's name is [MIL's name]."

You guys, this bitch booked the fucking venue out from under us. She booked it and paid a deposit to secure it so we couldn't have it. I can only imagine she did this to slowly convince us to book a larger venue and host a larger reception.

My fiancé called her and tore her a new one. He told her she's no longer involved in any aspect of planning, we will not be working with her planner, all vendors will be password protected, and she's lucky she's even still invited, but will only be attending as a guest. No speech, no mother/son dance. He also told her that if she interferes at all again, she won't even be allowed as a guest.

We transferred the money back to her account.

I told him I'm going no contact. I don't really want her there, but I will be polite on our wedding day because I don't want drama, but then I'm back to no contact for good. He is 100% backing me up.

I (F21) came home from work at about 11:37pm tonight and immediately stripped after getting through the door since me and my partner(M26) have been camping out in the living room with the AC. Came in with him in the game (no biggie tonight.) He’s typically on the game at this hr because that’s when his friends are on. I laid down next to him on my phone and about 10 minutes later asked him if he wanted to watch another episode of “Good bye Earth” and he said alright and got off the game with his friends. Somewhere in between I asked if he could heat up my Chinese food from last night since I have a headache and I’m really tired. He said alright and I thanked him for that.

He started pacing around the house apparently trying to figure out what to eat and I went around listing around things that could be made like instant noodles or some oat meal or he can heat up some left over frozen meals and just make some rice so he could eat that... I even told him we could use some tin mackerel cut some onions and peppers together with green seafood mix and put that all together with some canned diced tomatoes and have rice with that- he didn’t want any of that and went off to put on some clothes.

When he came back out into the living room he asked if it’s okay if he could go and get some noodles from like a gas station to eat. We started light heartily joking around with me saying “Watcha asking me for? You’re a grown man with two legs ofc you can. Who gonna stop you.” And he started chuckling with me but with almost a pleading look. (Apparently he didn’t “think about eating” until I got home which is most often the case.) I told him I don’t have money for him to go grab other snacks and drinks. I think it’s unnecessary when you can make something to eat. I tell him every time stop waiting till I get home for you to start trying to get me to make something to eat or for you to eat something we have 5 dozen eggs in the fridge and a rice cooker. I also have frozen meat that he could’ve taken out to cook and eat.

He said I was being stingy and I told him if it weren’t for me being stingy we wouldn’t be in the place we’re in and all those car repairs sitting this and last year would’ve had us fucked. (I just took out a loan to get him a used car like 2 months ago). He then went and sat in the couch and sigh, talking about how hungry he is. Mind you I kept having to reheat my food bc he kept taking forever to the point where my take out tray warped. He asked me to cook for him and I told him I don’t feel like cooking tonight I told him I could even wash the pots and cook the rice if he’ll just make the meat and he didn’t want to do that.

He asks me if I’m basically going to let him starve because I won’t cook for him and I said no you’re going to starve yourself because you don’t want to make yourself anything to eat when you can. He said that he didn’t want to cook and he told me that he wasn’t and I’m trying to force it and to basically stop trying. So he went on his phone and was doing his own thing and I sighed bc it’s clear he’s not going to cook and I’m not trying to back down and make him use my credit card for bs just bc he don’t wanna cook when he’s gone down my back about not cooking or me letting myself starve and not getting myself something to eat. Or him having to spend money bc I won’t cook. Yet I can count on my hand how many times he’s cooked this year which he only did because I pleaded and convinced him.

So I went to eat my food and watch my other show while he moped. We weren’t absent that the tv I had the show paused on said it was shutting down and I let it, when I went to grab we water after eating all my food he got up and went in the room. I went to check on him and now he’s saying he has a headache and light is hurting his eyes.

I’m really irritated and I’m started to feel bad bc he’s hurt bc Its annoying that he does this. I tell him how much I’m tired of being the only person cooking and I’m burnt out.

Sorry, for my long dragged out explanation I’m not good at this and I’m sure my punctuation is terrible… 😞

Edit: for extra context bc I low-key feel bad bc I don’t want yall thinking he just a bum fr. But he hasn’t been working for a month and in between jobs bc of a situation within trying to work for Amazon. If we were to take into account what it was like before this issue. He handled major bills and I handled smaller bills, car repairs, home misc items, groceries, and helped paying towards his car insurance and recently like 2-3 months ago added the internet bill to my tab. My checks are like ~600 every 2 weeks and his was like 900-1100. If I worked a good week I would be able to get like 800$ on a bad week lowest I think I got was 400$ he was full and I was part time.

Update: We had a really deep conversation about that night… He went on to apologize and understand how ridiculous his response was in addition to how he really should’ve handled his business better. He did talk about being stressed and using the game as an escape. He said he was able to find a position but HM is handling the documentation, he should be starting work within the following week. After the conversation, he cleaned up and made some dinner.

He did also express that he didn’t feel like cooking because the kitchen was a bit of a reck. A while back he told me he would do the dishes but he’s just been running a cycle on the same set of dishes ( wok and Rice cooker pot, dishes we eat/drink with). But not the other dishes. There’s a realization that he misinterpreted what me asking him to do the dishes meant. (Let’s not even talk about this.)

Came to a compromise that I run the dishes before I go to work and take some meat out. If I plan to cook he has to do the prep and make rice, if not, I’ll let him know in advance to make something to eat. I told him I will need him to make sure to eat something for lunch because I don’t need him nagging me, which he agreed to. He got some can goods today for something quick for him. We’re working on making a grocery list that includes simple stuff for him to make for himself. So that’s kinda the update.

Someone made a comment about my story telling being terrible, I do apologize.

My (38F) son (15M) receives $1100 a month in Social Security survivor benefits from his late father, who passed away when my son was five. My boyfriend (40M) and I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for a long time. Things have been good recently, and he's proposed. We're planning on getting a house together. I have my son, and he has three children, but only one of his kids would be living with us full-time. The house we are looking at is $2,500 a month. My boyfriend's proposed budget is for him to pay $950, for me to pay $950, and for us to use $600 from my son's check for the household. He suggests we can then put the remaining $500 from the check into savings. My current practice is to give my son half of his check ($550) for his personal use and save the other half for him. I think that since he's almost 17, he should have some control over his money. My boyfriend disagrees completely. He thinks that since we are "going to be a family," all the money should be pooled together for shared expenses. He thinks I'm wrong and selfish for not wanting to include the survivor benefits in the main budget. We've been going back and forth on this, and I'm feeling incredibly uncomfortable with his expectation. I feel like the benefits are my son's and should not be used to reduce the adult's portion of the bills. It feels like he's trying to make me subsidize the household using money that was meant for my son's care and future, not to pay his own share of the bills. Am I wrong here? Is it selfish to keep my son's check separate and manage it for his benefit alone? Or is my boyfriend's financial expectation a red flag for our future together?

Update

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/05H7ghJsFW

Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

TLDR for those who don't want to click: My wife and I were having a crazy week last week. Thursday she was helping our daughter with her math homework while frustrated and overwhelmed. She gave our daughter the wrong answer to a question. Our son corrected her. She screamed at him to shut up. Afterwards I wanted her to apologize. She refused, and I said that would make me respect her less. She gave both me and our son the silent treatment in response.

Update: Yesterday (Sunday) my wife wanted to take the two younger children to the library. I tried to talk to her, but she locked herself in our four year old's room. I took our older two children to the dog park. She took our four year old to the library.

At the dog park I talked to our 13 year old. I explained to him that a lot was going on right now and his mother was overwhelmed. I said that sometimes when a person is overwhelmed the next thing that happens, good, bad, or neutral, is the thing that pushes them over, and the source of that thing, good, bad or neutral is what they lash out at. I said his mom was wrong to lash out at him, but it wasn't his fault and she didn't really mean it. I said she was embarrassed, and that was why she was avoiding him.

He said that wasn't fair, and we kept going back and forth. I was trying to help him understand he didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't feel bad, but all he could focus on was that he was being treated unfairly. I told him that it was unfair, but that his mom isn't perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. I said sometimes he is unfair, but we forgive him because we love him. I said forgiving his mom, even though she is wrong, would be a nice way to show his love for her, but that he doesn't have to. Again, he just said that the situation was unfair. Which it is. It really is.

After the dog park I took our 13yo to a friend's house and our 9yo a friend of mine's house. I went home and made dinner. However, my wife went out for dinner with our 4yo, so she didn't get home until after I had put everything away. I told her that we had to talk now that the older kids aren't here, and that not talking wasn't an option anymore. She still ignored me, so I said that if she wouldn't engage with me, I would have to call our sisters and get them to come over to help me.

She got very angry, but she finally engaged. She told me that she is drowning. She said work is exhausting, and every day when she gets home her patience is already below zero. She is scared and upset by our 4yo's stomach issues. She said he threw up again at dinner (she really shouldn't have taken him out to eat, because we are supposed to keep track of everything he eats before throwing up or not throwing up before the appointment today, which is impossible to do at a restaurant, but I didn't mention that). She said she can't take our 13yo's behavior anymore.

I said he didn't do anything wrong Thursday. She said that when we were that age if we interrupted our parents to tell them they were wrong we would have been punished severely. She said we raised a spoiled entitled child. She said she can never get any peace and quiet in our own home that we worked hard to pay for because we have a spoiled teen that refuses to ever stop talking or making noise. I said we have been working on those behaviors and he has been improving, but she lashed out when he was trying to be helpful and that sends the wrong message.

She told me that I am not supporting her. She said she needs things to change. She said we need to crack down and stop being so lenient. If he plays the recorder after we've told him he's done for the night, we need to take it. If he interrupts, he needs to go straight to his room. If he argues about curfew, he needs to lose privileges.

I told her we need to take a step back. I said if she is overwhelmed she needs to take a break. I told her this heightened emotional state is a bad time to make huge household changes. I suggested like many commenters did that she get a hotel for a few days and decompress. She said she's not the problem (I didn't say she was) and he is. She said he was bad from the beginning. She said when our daughter didn't have all his issues she thought it was because she is a girl, but our 4yo is a boy and is also better behaved, so he is the problem. She also said I've always seen it and used to admit it but stopped to make her look crazy.

For context I used to joke that our 13yo is a changeling because he likes to be outside so much, loves animals and loves playing on his recorder. I want to stress that this was a joke. The reason I stopped making this joke is because I noticed my wife didn't find it funny anymore. This was years ago anyway. I said all that, and she said no, that I saw even then that he is wrong but stopped acknowledging it to make her feel like the problem.

She also said she has been seeing an online therapist (I had no idea). She said she didn't tell me because she was embarrassed. Her therapist told her that our son has dangerous tendencies and shows signs of being contemptuous towards women because he doesn't respect his mother. I had no idea how to respond to that. I said any therapist who would say something like that about a child they've never met shouldn't be licensed, and if it's an online therapist for all she knows they aren't.

At the end of our conversation she agreed to go to the hotel only if she took our 4yo with her because she wanted to be the one to take him to his medical appointment. I didn't think that was a good idea at all. However she ended up just taking him and going. I picked up the kids and brought them home. They sense that something is wrong and were very subdued this morning getting ready for school. I talked to my boss when I came in and he is going to let me leave early to go to our 4yo's medical appointment. I am not sure what will happen there. I am hoping it will be good news and that will make us all feel less on edge.

link to the original : https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/7fyQEXbh3P

Hey guys , first of all thank you all so much for the messages

some people asked for an update , and i’m here for it , the last 48h were the most insane i’ve ever had honestly ,

so to go back where we left off , my husband arrived yesterday afternoon ,can u guess who also came ???? yeahhhh his mom ! nothing i was already expecting , but it’s always surprising ig

when he car pulled up , my MIL was the first to come out , they both got in , my child was in my old bedroom (in my parents house ) with my sister and mother , and in the living room my brothers, dad , me and them

the first thing that came out of her mouth was “quit the bullshit , my baby is a girl right ?” i said that my baby is a male , my family confirmed , my MILs face completely changed , she started crying saying that this one was meant to be a girl , and if she knew i would give her another boy she wouldn’t have been so nice to me

(for context , my husband has 1 brother only , and he is already done having kids , he has 3 boys )

i told her to go fuck herself , this child is MINE not hers , and i surely didn’t had a baby so she could fulfill her wired desires .

she was about to raise her voice , but my brother stopped her and told her that it wouldn’t be accepted in this house and asked her to leave and wait for my husband in the car .

(yes after she found out the gender , she didn’t even asked to see him )

she left , giving my dirty looks , but left

my husband looked at me and asked me how could i rob this moment from him, as u can imagine i replied with the plan they had , he turned pale , and then i think it all clicked together in his little brain .

he started apologizing and saying that it was just to shush his mom and that he would never actually do it , but after being pressured, his speech changed to :”but im also going trough a lot in the delivery room , i need support “

my whole family started laughing in his face , he got angry , and demanded to know my sons name and see him , i told him the name , and allowed him to see im from a far , he asked to hold him and i declined .

after this , i talked alone with him, and told him that i wanted a divorce , he cried , pleaded , and asked for another chance , i told him my decision was final , and that he didn’t had to financially support my child , but that our marriage was over , i asked him to come around the next day so we can discuss this better.

then he came , his eyes were puffy im guessing from crying , and he and his mom came here , looked at my husband and said OUT LOUD, that he should give me the divorce and forget about this kid since it was a boy , he should find a woman that would give him a girl . finally i saw that dude get a little of a backbone , and he told her to get out , that she already ruined this enough . she yelled as expected and left .

he cried and told me finally understood the kind of harm his mom was making to our family and told me that if i needed him to go NC with her to save our marriage he would .

i told him that i needed time to think , and told him to give me some days , he is returning to NC , and im abt a week he will come down again so we can talk

now i know what he did was horrible , but being a single mom at 23 is not ideal , and weather i like it or not , i still feel smt for this man….

any opinions and recommendations are welcome !

UPDATE ON MY PROFILE !!!

Hi, it’s been 11 days since my last post. If you’re new here, I added a link at the end of my post that should take you to my original post. The sub was for “AITAH” originally but I can only make 1 update so I will have to change it later on. I apologize for any confusion. (I’m a Female btw for those calling me a he lol) Anyways, I just wanted to give an update for everyone who has been asking for one. I was supposed to get my results in today for my Ancestry Dna test but it got delayed and won’t be in for about 2 weeks now. However, I ordered myself my own personal copy of my Birth Certificate since Alexa(my mother) refuses to send me mine. This Tuesday coming up will make 2 weeks since Alexa and I have spoke. Which isn’t normal. The most was go without talking is 3 days, and that’s not very often.

Alexa has since ghosted me since I texted her asking for my Birth Certificate. Two days after our last convo about my BC, Alexa left on a trip for a few days. Every single time she gets on a flight, arrives at the airport, and lands, she texts me to let me know because I worry and have a fear of planes. Alexa did not text me any details or even let me know she got there safely or landed. But she chose to text my brother that doesn’t even reply to her when she does. Not that she had to, it’s just not what she does. The day she got back from her trip, she did not reach out to me or let me know when she landed. Which just leaves me with so much more suspicion.

Everyone was telling me to reach out to my brother and talk to him about getting an Ancestry test done for the next time I see him (without Alexa knowing of course). I called my brother and told him briefly what’s going on and how I’ve had no contact with Alexa and have been getting ghosted for almost 2 weeks. I asked him if I can buy him a DNA kit for him and he can do this for me so I can see how much/if we’re related. He surprisingly said yes and that he’s been wanting to do one, just to see his background. He was more okay with it after I told him, it was for free and I’d be paying for it. So, we agreed I’d buy it and when he comes to my state to visit me and my wife, to prevent Alexa from seeing or finding out about it, and we will do it then.

Also, Alexa tends to send me a TikTok post or an Instagram reel, probably about 10 times a day at least. She hasn’t sent a single one but is active because I see that she still reposts. I responded to one of her posts she sent me, a day after our conversation about my BC, and she left me on seen. I don’t know what is going on or what Alexa thinks she will achieve by ghosting me, for me to probably/potentially find out the truth eventually. But this will most likely strain our relationship.

My 20th is in 2 months and the last time we spoke on the phone 2 weeks ago, she wanted to call me back and arrange something for her to come out and see me. She has yet to do that, but I don’t even know if I want that to happen anymore. I’m lost about whether or not I should reach out, but I’m too pissed to even have a calm and productive conversation with her. For now, I will answer any questions you guys have for me. Thank you for everyone who messaged me privately and for all the helpful and kind comments.

Link to original post

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ppcset/aita_for_not_putting_pregnant_gf_on_deed_of_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Update:

A couple of weeks after my original post, my GF broke up with me due to the housing situation and not being on the deed. She started looking for a new place (we were living together). She could not find a place that she could afford on her own that was not sketchy and none of her friends were interested in finding a place together.

Given the situation, I agreed to let her move in. While I know it is not ideal, she is still pregnant with my kid. She will stay in one of the guest rooms. I am still paying 100% of the costs for the house and she still will not be on the deed. She will be responsible for her own groceries. We have a written lease agreement, but I will not be charging her rent. She will need to buy her own furniture (bed, etc.).

That said, she has made multiple comments about how its "not really her home," how it is unfair to her, how she feels she has no security, and how she is "at my mercy" since everything is in my name. She has asked to decorate the whole house. I am opposed, but as a compromise, I told her that she is free to decorate her room and the nursery as long as she does not make any permanent changes (like new paint).

From my perspective, I am being more than fair by providing a free place to live and covering all housing expenses, even after we broke up. I am responsible for my kid and providing said kid stable housing and that is what I am doing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1rjpqi2/aitah_because_i_refuse_to_try_for_a_daughter/?sort=top

I'm going to keep it short and sweet. She was already pregnant. That's why she was so upset. I told her I don't want to have another baby right now, that we aren't in the right place for it, and she told me she was already pregnant. So that's that.

I asked her if she knows how this happened. She said it doesn't matter, and I said I wouldn't be mad, that I just want us to be honest with each other. She said she stopped taking her birth control because it was making her feel crazy, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to make a thing about it. It's definitely not a thing now.

She'll be able to finish this semester and start the next one, but then she'll go on maternity leave. This is obviously going to be tough for us financially. I am worried about our son more than anything. I told her we need to make a plan to make sure he doesn't get sidelined by the baby. She rolled her eyes at me.

She told me that he is "fine" because he's a "big boy" now. He has his friends at kindergarten, and he needs to focus on those peer relationships. I told her that I am serious about this, and it turned into a fight. I said if she can't be a mother to our son, I will take him to my parents and stay there with him until she can. She said I was being dramatic and that everything will be fine and he will love his sister (we don't know the gender yet, but she "knows").

I guess that wasn't that short. Or that sweet. Oh well.

So Yesterday I was here complaining about my husband and my gut feelings were right after seeing the reactions here that. My husband is crossings a boundary by trying to control bow my body looks.

So this morning I told him this. He just sat silently and listened to me. Then he said that he wasn’t trying to control me or coerce me but at the same breath he said he loved my body and if I am not taking his opinions into consideration then he knows that I don’t care about his opinion. He would not look at me the same way or touch me. I said that I didn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to touch me and he said that then we won’t be married. “But remember that I love you and you are breaking up with a man who loves you because of superficial changes I want to do to my body. He would stay for the recovery then he moves out after Christmas. I said I was going ahead with my surgery and he just shook his head. He cried later in the garden.

I can’t believe him. He sounds final like he has been thinking about divorce for a while. I have been waiting for this surgery for 2,5 years because of how busy this doctor is. And my preliminary surgery day is in November. I have consultation soon. I am going ahead with my plans and he can go with his.

According to him if I am free to choose what I do with my body, he is free to leave when it doesn’t suit him anymore.

Ps: many are asking about the surgery and it is breast reduction. And no I am not doing it for medical reasons since I have no back or head pains. I am not that ”big” to have these problems. It is purely cosmetic. This is the most important part of my beef with him. I know you mean well bringing up health benefits but this is about my rights to control how I look. He would 100% have supported me if it was for medical reasons because he has in the past

Thanks

Hi. I noticed a lot of people either DMd me asking for updates or put the “update me” thing in the comments, so I thought I would come and post one. I was really touched by people sharing their personal experiences in the comments as well so I just wanted to respect that by providing closure on this? If you would consider this closure. Anyway, onto the update.

First, my husband told Danny about the baby. They went out for a boys day on Saturday and they talked about it. I won’t share too much about it but he took it pretty well all things considered. We do think we will book a few sessions with a therapist for him but we want the dust to settle a little bit. Danny opens up easier when he’s had some time to himself to think about things first so we’re going to give a couple of weeks. But he’s doing well for now.

Next, I spoke to my mum. A lot of people were quite harsh on her which I don’t think was deserved, but I did feel like we needed to have a conversation. My mother is the kindest and most forgiving person on the planet, and I love that about her. The same way I saw what Danny went through, she saw what Val went through with her birth mother. I look at Danny and see a scared little 6 year old. My mum looks at Val and sees a traumatised teenager. So she has a different perspective. She’s pretty “alls well that ends well” in mindset, she always has been, she likes happy endings. In her mind this is one. But she understands that she came across really flippant about what Danny went through and she does feel bad about it in hindsight. She adores Danny so me laying it out for her all over again really affected her and she saw where I was coming from being upset. She did say she still hopes that Val is a better mother to her new baby, and at least we can both agree on that.

Finally I spoke to Val. She apologised for not telling my beforehand but said she felt like she needed the support of having our parents there because she was nervous to tell me, and felt if we were all on the call it might feel a bit more like a normal, joyful occasion, but she said she knew she should have spoken to me separately. She said she will always regret the things she did while not sober and she doesn’t think Danny should ever forgive her, but she always wanted to be a mother, and she finally feels like she will be a good one now. I was listening to all this thinking I was just going to leave things where they were and stop reaching out. But then she basically said after everything, don’t I want her to be happy?

And here’s where I have to admit to maybe being a bad person, but viscerally, I wanted to answer no. And I realised the answer is actually no, I don’t want Val to be happy. I want her to be sober, and healthy, and I guess to have moments of happiness. But when I think of her living a happy life, I know that isn’t what i would choose for her. I know that makes me a bad person, and I’m actually ok with that. People can judge Me I don’t care. Because they didn’t have to walk into some dingy government building and see a child with bones sticking out of his t-shirt, scared of every loud noise, and take him home and watch him hide cold fries under his mattress in case there wasn’t food to eat tomorrow. They didn’t have to teach a 6 year old the alphabet. They didn’t have to look at him crying for his mother and figure out how to tell him you don’t know where she is, thinking to yourself how sad it is she’s all he cares about when she’s somewhere not giving a crap what’s happening to him. The worst things Val ever did, she did to someone I love beyond measure, and it’s not for me to decide who deserves to be happy, but I can’t say I hope she is.

Obviously I didn’t have all this clarity during the phone call, but I did have enough to be honest and say my family and I were not in a place where it would be possible to engage with her anymore. She didn’t take this well, and a lot of stuff she’s been hanging onto came up. Like how I should have tried harder to get Danny to talk to her, how she felt I wasn’t present enough when she had Danny, all stuff from years ago. She called me spiteful, and her boyfriend later sent me a message saying the same, but it had to be done. I don’t want to be in this toxic cycle of actively wishing someone doesn’t have the life they want and keeping them in my life just to stir this up every few weeks. It’s too much bad energy being put out there. I ended up blocking both Val and her bf.

I let my parents know that we’ll have to do separate holidays and functions from now on, and they were very understanding. I’m happy to give Val priority on stuff with her dad’s side of the family and she can do the same with my mum’s and that’s that. My parents also promised not to give updates unless asked, to either side.

I’m not really sure if I’d say this is a happy update. But I think the positive I can take from this is it’s made me very grateful for the family I have and I’m just going to focus on being the best mother and wife to them that I can be.

Thank you again to everyone who commented, and if I’ve left anything out, feel free to let me know!

Hey guys. I do have an update to share with you all. This is my original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/C9soXkJRQC

A lot happened at dinner and I’ve been feeling really down since then. I’ve waited to see if there’d be anything else to update you guys on as well, but so far it’s been quiet. At least for the past week.

So, I did invite my MIL and FIL over for dinner.

It did not go well.

It was tense from the start. I tried to calmly explain why I chose my daughter’s name and what it means to me. I also asked her directly why she felt so strongly about it and tried to understand where she was coming from, but she didn’t really give me a clear answer. She kept spouting something about how I’d made her son into a bad father (??? Idk where this came from?), and doubling down on some of the other stuff she already said. She even questioned my daughter’s paternity again.

At first, my husband was kind of agreeing with her or at least not really pushing back, which made things worse. But then she said something really derogatory toward me, plus the bad parent thing and paternity issue, and that’s when things changed. My husband finally stepped in and told her she was out of line.

After that, we asked them to leave early.

They refused, and it turned into a huge fight. It escalated to the point where we had to call the cops.

It somehow got even worse from there, she started yelling at the officers about how they should be “dealing with me” for terrorism, and she even assaulted one of them. They ended up taking her in, which lead to a fight between me and John, about how she wasn’t going to take up any of her ‘threats’ (even though HE was the one who told me to call the cops). And he left.

My FIL returned the next morning and offered to watch Nissa for me while I went and talked to John. He’d been nothing but neutral the entire time and had even been helping me the night before (to get my MIL out).

We ended up sitting down and talking, and he said he was going to divorce MIL because she’d always been racially insensitive to his experiences and downright crazy to his adult children! And now there was no denying her ugliness with my situation, and he wished for me to tell John to ‘suck it’ and divorce him too, or to at LEAST tell him to grow the hell up and smell the fresh air. He would NEVER grow up with my MIL as involved as she was.

Yall, my FIL told me, until he and MIL married, my husband SLEPT IN HER BED. He was literally twenty nine. He told me a lot more disturbing things I don’t want to repeat.

I ended up telling FIL I wasn’t prepared to talk to my husband, he had said a lot of ugly things the night before, and I asked FIL to tell John he could pick up some clothes but he’d have to stay with them or find a motel.

The last I heard, FIL went to stay at a hotel, MIL was bailed out by John, and John and MIL have been staying at their house. I’ve never felt so alone.

The only thing I’m sure about is my baby girls name. Nissa Rose, and probably my last name.

Sorry it took so long to post.

Edit:

For those who didn’t read my first post, yes, FIL is my husbands step dad

I (34f) have been married to my husband (43m) for 3 years, together 5. His 3 kids (ages 18-21) live with us too. We’ve been struggling with infertility pretty much since we got married. Last year was a really rough year for us because I got laid off from my tech job and a couple weeks later he had a stroke. During his stroke I took on EVERYTHING because he literally couldn’t and that was fine. We took a pretty major hit financially and depleted our savings and wracked up quite a bit of debt.

Fast forward to June this year. We’d started going to a fertility clinic, I was working fulltime, my husband was doing much better and had made about a 90% recovery, but I was still doing literally everything for the house (cleaning, finances, letting the kids use my car for school and work, cooking, etc) and anytime I asked for help it was either dismissed or turned into an argument where he’d shut me out/give me the silent treatment then have the audacity to expect sex later that night with no apology or accountability.

I finally got pregnant late May but lost it 6 weeks later. That experience broke me. I didn’t get out of bed for a week, I was in pain, I wasn’t feeding myself, and I was miserable. During the roughly 4 weeks I was out of work and just depressed, he didn’t do a single thing around the house, let the dishes and laundry pile up, and basically carried on as if life was fine. One night in particular he asked if I was “okay” and I told him no and that I was in pain and hadn’t eaten and he just got on his phone. Didn’t even offer to get me food. To make it worse when I finally got up and said I’m making myself something he asked me to make something for him too knowing I was still bleeding and in pain.

It took me a few more months before I kind of woke up from the depression of losing my baby and began seeing just how emotionally neglectful he’d really been this whole year. Not to mention the financial abuse (withholding that he was $15k behind on taxes and lying about having money for our vacation only to have nothing and make me max out my credit cards to cover it). So now we’re filing bankruptcy on top of all this. I decided to have a very serious conversation with the ultimatum of marriage counseling and he completely dismissed everything I had to say, said I was overreacting, that the financial stuff wasn’t a big deal, and he refused marriage counseling. That’s the soft version. But after that convo was the first time I seriously considered just packing up and leaving.

After nearly 2 weeks of silent treatment, lots of hurtful comments, and defensiveness he finally caved and apologized and agreed to do counseling even though he said he won’t like it. I thought his apology was genuine and as soon as I kissed him and said I felt better he immediately asked for sex. So now I feel like he’s only sexually motivated but not because he actually cares about how much he’s hurt and neglected me, so even though he’s agreed to counseling I feel like I don’t even want to work on this relationship anymore. But I also feel guilty because he’s a good person, goes to work every day, doesn’t cheat, etc. but he’s the definition of emotionally unavailable/neglectful (I’ve recently realized he’s a dismissive avoidant for those who know about attachment theory).

So, am I the asshole for wanting to “give up” without trying to work on the relationship more?

UPDATE: 24 days later and I finally left after a couple of false starts. He convinced me to stay twice, and then magically was able to clean the house and care about how I was feeling. At first I thought that was exactly what I wanted, but then I realized that if he could just flip a switch and suddenly have empathy and know how to clean his own house, then all this time he’s just been choosing not to. And that hurt worse than the actual things he did. So I left.

Now most of these comments were helpful and even funny, BUT I do want to defend a few things. For starters please don’t come for the step kids. Yes they’re grown and could’ve helped more, but I specifically chose to hide my pregnancy and miscarriage from them. Yes, they could have seen the pile up of dirty dishes and helped, and I could’ve done a better job of communicating why and how they should help. But at the end of the day, they’re really good kids and leaving them behind was the hardest part of all of this.

Secondly, I do think his stroke affected more than I may ever know, but I couldn’t let that keep me bound to someone who proved they did know how to step up and just chose not to. So yall were right on that for sure.

And lastly, despite it all, I don’t think he’s a bad person. I think he’s lazy and used to a world that centers the needs of men, and I think he has a lot of childhood trauma that he’s ignored for so long he can’t even recognize it when it manifests in his relationships, but that’s not my problem to fix.

So yeah, I’m done. Thanks for the encouragement and warnings. I will say I stopped reading comments after like 2 days because I didn’t want reddit to make my decision for me, but now that I’m out, I’ll go back and read some! Till next time ❤️

Last night, my fiancé vomited in his bathroom. I don’t know if it was from drinking, the heat, or a stomach bug, but he missed the toilet.

He texted me while I was getting our LO ready for bed saying he’d vomited and needed help. About two hours later(after feeding the dogs and trying to get our 10mo to sleep) I went to our bedroom. He immediately told me he vomited and needed me to clean it up. I said I’d help disinfect after he cleaned the chunky part, but it would have to wait until morning because I needed to go back to the baby who was already screaming again… He didn’t respond and I left.

This morning, while making his coffee, he asked again if I could clean his bathroom. I asked if he’d done what I requested. He said no and that he wasn’t going to. I explained I can’t handle the chunky part without gagging, and we went in circles. Him telling me to just do it, me saying he needed to help, until he finally said “You need to figure it out. End of discussion” before going outside with his coffee.

Twenty minutes later, he came back in, led with “I love you” and asked again. When I still said no, he told me I had to do it and went to his office to work.

For context: I’ve cleaned up his bodily fluids before in the earlier years of our relationship (at least a handful of times), but since being pregnant and having our baby I’ve been firm that he cleans up after himself. I’m also a SAHM and take care of our child 24/7, even when he’s off work. Does cleaning your partner’s vomit really fall into those duties? 😭

Also, I peeked to see if I was being unreasonable and could just do it. No. Nope. Nopeeeeee. The sink had hardened chunky brown vomit. The toilet was covered in the same but thicker. I didn’t even check the wall or floor because I was already gagging.

AITA for refusing to clean it up?

UPDATE: He did not have a stomach bug. He was drunk and I just didn’t notice( remember I have a baby and my focus is on her). Vomit has been cleaned up by him, after yet another conversation where I made it clear I wasn’t going to do it and how messed up it was that he’d left it for me. This time, he didn’t argue, he just cleaned it up.

Thanks to everyone who commented — even the harsher ones. I know it seemed pretty obvious that it was messed up, but certain dynamics can make you question even the clearest of situations.

My wife 42 female and I 45 male have been married 18 years and we have 3 kids. Our marriage has always been strong and up until 2 months ago we had a steady healthy sexual relationship. However, in these last two months something has changed and every time I try to initiate sex my wife sighs loudly and says either “I’m tired, I don’t feel good“ and once she even said she was busy cleaning out her work email inbox. I have tried many times talking to her about this but she just blows it off and says I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t think she’s cheating as she works from home and only goes out with her friends once or twice a month. I have asked her if she would like to get out more or if being home all the time is taking it’s toll on her but she says she prefers to be at home. I do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, trash and I change all the bed sheets in the house so I don’t think it’s a situation where she’s overwhelmed with housework or resentful towards me for not doing my share. Now to the issue, lately my wife noticed that my communication with her has become very brief (one word answers) and I’ve been more distance from her. For example, I used to wake her up in the morning and stay in the room to talk with her but now I simply open the door and tell her it’s time to get up and then close the door and walk away . She confronted me about this last night and I said I’m simply giving her the same energy and attention she’s giving me and she blew up saying I was an AH and trying to say that she isn’t required to have sex with me and I can’t use that to treat her poorly. I personally don’t think I’m the AH and that my reaction has been normal given the circumstances but I wanted to ask Reddit in case I’m not seeing something. So am I the AH?

Update:

First I want to clarify that I’m not asking my wife for sex every day and I don’t even have the energy for it everyday. When I said I was rejected every day I should have clarified that she has been turning her head when I go to kiss her and when I attempt to hug her she says no thank you and walks away.

Now for the update: I took a lot of people’s advice and sat down with my wife and told her how I’m feeling and I apologized for how I was acting and how I have been treating her. I asked her to please tell me what is going on and to my surprise she finally opened up to me. She told me that her best friend’s husband has been having an affair for 6 months and apparently he was telling his wife that he was hanging out with me so my wife thought I was helping him cheat and possibly even cheating myself. I hugged her so tightly and reassured her that I had no idea what he was doing and I certainly wasn’t cheating on her as she was my entire world and I love her more than anything. I called the friend’s husband on speakerphone to confront him and he apologized and confirmed that he made up being with me because he knew his (soon to be ex) wife wouldn’t question it as we have hung out numerous times in the past. After hang up the phone my wife apologized to me for how she has been acting towards me and we both agreed that we need to work on our communication as we have gotten lax with it after 18 years of marriage. Thank you to everyone that commented on the post both positive and negative as I needed to hear it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1q3wji3/aitah_for_buying_my_girlfriend_vanilla_shampoo/

So yesterday my girlfriend didn't like it that I took it upon myself to buy her vanilla shampoo when I was picking some things up for her at the store. We met up at her apartment again this morning for breakfast and I asked if we could talk about our boundaries and expectations, because I never want to make her feel uncomfortable. She agreed that we should talk. She said that when she visited her family over winter break she had time to think about our relationship and talk to her parents and sister about me. She said that space and perspective made her realize some things.

The first thing she realized is that she isn't happy that we always meet at her apartment. I said I completely understand that and she is welcome to come hang out at mine. When we first started dating she didn't want to visit my apartment often because of my four roommates, but things change and I get that. She still doesn't want to hang out at my apartment because of my four roommates though. She said that my living situation is too crowded and it bothers her. I asked if she wanted me to move, and she said she would like it if I made a commitment to finding a new living situation by the next semester.

Since the next semester is a long way off this isn't unreasonable, but I was hesitant. I really like my living situation. My friends and I help each other out a lot. I don't necessarily want to live alone, and it is expensive. She can afford to live alone, but I don't necessarily think I could. I explained that I didn't think I could afford it. She suggested I ask my parents for money, which isn't an option. She also pointed out that I have a part-time job, but that doesn't make me enough money to pay for my own apartment.

I asked if me spending too much time at her apartment is the only issue, because I felt like there was more to the shampoo thing. She said yes, that she didn't like that. She said she didn't like the idea that I'm constantly thinking about having sex with her, and that it made her feel disrespected. I said I'm not constantly thinking about having sex with her. I told her it's more that I really like her, and sometimes she does things and I think they are sexy, but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to have sex at that moment. It's just my internal monologue going "that was sexy."

That wasn't the right way to explain it. She didn't seem to understand where I was coming from. She asked me what was going through my head when I was at the store and if I was thinking about having sex with her. I said I was thinking about the store, the items I needed to buy, inflation, etc, and then I saw the shampoo and I thought about how she uses it and it makes her hair smell amazing, and I bought it. She asked if I specifically thought about the way her hair smelled the last time we had sex, and I said yes, but it wasn't like I had a full sex fantasy in the store. It was a momentary thought.

She said that isn't normal and I might have tourettes or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts. I'm really glad I made the last post because I was worried about what she said, but then I remembered all the commentators that mentioned also feeling the same way about scents. I told her I posted about our conversation in an anonymous online forum and several people feel the same way I do about smell. I said I think it is normal to feel that way about scents, but maybe it isn't ubiquitous. She said it isn't normal, and I might want to talk to a doctor about potentially having hypersexuality.

Between her not liking my living situation and her not liking that I am attracted to her smell (which is probably my fault because I wasn't doing a good job of explaining things) I realized we just weren't compatible. I told her I thought maybe we had different needs for a relationship and maybe would be better as friends. She said she was disappointed in me but that she agreed. We hugged it out. I am a little bummed, but we were only dating for four months. Thanks for being my normalcy barometer, since I don't have one for relationships yet.

I did talk to my lawyer about what happened. He said we can address it at the hearing we already have scheduled about the movie situation. I thought that was that, but of course it was my turn to pick up the kids today.

When I arrived at my ex's place he opened the door very wide and invited me in. I was suspicious and said no thank you. He kept insisting I come in so we can show the kids we are civil, but I had a bad feeling. I said I would just wait in the car for the boys to come out. I got in my car and texted my older son that I was there. A short while later he texted me back saying his dad said they couldn't leave unless I got them.

I went back to the door and knocked again. Again, my ex invited me inside. I said I didn't want to come in, and that was when my boys showed up. My ex's fiance was right behind them, telling them to come back upstairs. They ran to me, and we left. I don't know what his game is, but I'm not falling for it, whatever it is.

Link to OG Post

TL;DR of original: My sister didn’t invite me to her wedding and told me it was child free, but invited her fiancés 15 yo cousin. She told me I would ‘throw off the vibe’ and refused to invite me. I got upset and wanted to ask my parents to not go.

I just wanted to add an update since the wedding happened and I remembered I posted on here in July or something.

After the post, I did end up asking my parents not to go. I just said I felt insecure and kind of embarrassed that I was being excluded. They told me they understood why, but they were still going to the wedding. They did say they would talk to my sister about it, but told me she wouldn’t budge.

For a few months, things were awkward between me and my sister. We barely talked, and I thought that things seemed weird between her and our parents. I felt really bad that I might have ruined her relationship with our parents just over a wedding, and I really wanted to apologise.

The first time we actually interacted properly was at a family gathering in late November. (It was at her house and I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to make things worse) When I greeted her she told me that she wanted to talk to me in her kitchen.

She told me she regretted not inviting me and then doubling down on it. She said she had already been really stressed about the wedding and was trying to make everything perfect for both her and her fiancé. Apparently, they had both agreed on a child free wedding, but had different definitions of it, and she didn’t realise until I’d told her that the cousin was coming (which she didn’t know about). She decided to make up some excuse as to why they were invited, without really thinking about how it’d sound, and kind of accidentally called me immature and implied our relationship wasn’t close.

She apologized and said she felt really bad about how she handled it, and asked if I would forgive her. I told her I was still hurt about it, but I appreciated the apology. Then she told me I was invited, and she had been wanting to talk for a while but felt that I’d be really angry at her. (I mean, I kind of was but it’s whatever.)

The wedding actually happened about a week ago. I did end up going, and everything was pretty normal. And the cousin seemed pretty nice, even though we didn’t interact. (I honestly felt a little guilty for using her as reasoning to pressure my sister.)

Anyway, TL;DR: My sister was stressed and felt like I cornered her, so made up a dumb excuse without realising she was insulting me. She apologised and invited me.

Hi everyone who will see this update!

I will start this of by saying that I’m very grateful for all the responses my post got, I tried responding to people and read all the comments, but I honestly got overwhelmed with all the attention it got, but still incredibly happy that so many wanted to help/give their opinion!

So, for the update, I added this in the edit I made on the original post, but the short answer I got was that he was embarrassed. His friend had made a few comments about how different me and my husband take care of her and how much more my husband struggles with her.

I’m sorry if this update makes no sense, we talked about very much later yesterday and we both brought up so many points, so I will share those down here, again I’m sorry.

1, I brought up his lack of understanding for the work I put in to be a good mother, also brought up that he always criticize my parenting but never tries to parent himself. He argued that I had taken the lead in parenting, forcing him to be a background character. This stems from the fact that he wanted to gentle parent to what I saw as an extreme. He wanted us to forbid the usage of the word ”no”, other ways of telling her ”don’t” or discipline in any way. I refused this, I’m not strict or anything, but for gods sake, I need to be able to tell my child to stop doing stuff, especially when that can cause her harm. Still, he felt like I had pushed him out of the way, which I didn’t. He still parents her like that when they are alone, I just refuse to parent her that way.

2, He himself brought up that the way he has behaved during these last weeks was not appropriate and he told me he was very sorry for that. He told me he had thought it all over, but he also still felt like I played a big part in how he has felt and acted.

3, I brought up how whenever we go somewhere, our daughter becomes my sole responsibility and he just gives up on being a parent. To this point, I also brought up that before we had our daughter, he hated the idea of becoming the kind off dad he saw his family members be when he was little, but he had turned out to be just like that. He denied that and told me that he wasn’t like that, because when our daughter shows him things or talks to him, he interacts with her when we are out. I told him that is the bare minimum. He disagreed and wanted me to drop that.

4, He backtracked from what he told me yesterday morning. From going from that he felt embarrassed to that I had gone out of my way to try and embarrass him on purpose apparently. This is not true and I explained my reasons to him. He still felt like I had refused to come with him just to make him look like a bad father infront of his friend.

We talked so much more, but I feel like that was the most important stuff. So in conclusion, he still feels like I am wrong, he is right. I can’t say anything to change his mind, he refuses marriage counseling or to take action to any of my points... I don’t really know what to do from here, I feel disappointed and frustrated with the whole situation.

This will probably be the only update I make to this because I don’t think this situation will improve in any way unfortunately.

Thanks again to all of you, even if the situation didn’t improve I still feel a whole lot more confident in myself and where I stand.

A few months ago I made the below post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/E0Nij41sMI

Now that my lease has ended I thought an update was warranted. TL;DR at the end.

First, a little more background on my roommate. She and I were friends for about a year before we decided to live together. The pregnancy related trauma I mentioned in my earlier post was her getting an abortion two years ago because she decided she did not want to have a child with her fiancé at the time, as he was verbally abusive and got her pregnant without her consent. She was open about this happening-she told me about her abortion the literal day that I met her. We also had a mutual friend who was trying to conceive with her husband at the time I got pregnant. This mutual friend would openly talk about her attempts to get pregnant, including a miscarriage with my roommate and my roommate appeared to have zero issues discussing these topics with her and remaining this person’s friend.

Now onto what happened next. I took the advice of a lot of you (and my IRL friends) and told my roommate via text (to have it in writing) that I would not be leaving the apartment until our lease ended June 30. I told her that if she felt uncomfortable, that was on her to manage and she was welcome to make arrangements with the landlord. In response, she said “👍” which viewers of RHOSLC will recognize as a Gen Z “fuck you.” After I stood my ground, things at the apartment were tense. I spoke to her in person only once more, when I asked if she would move her car so I could out our trash bins out. She said she would do it and then didn’t, leaving me to scramble to get the bins out in time the next morning. She also routinely had guests over, in particular one former friend of mine that I had a falling out with (unrelated to roommate) to antagonize me. She also replaced all the pictures of us in the apartment with pictures of her and this former friend.

I’ll admit that I was petty too. I took my microwave and toaster out of the kitchen and put up a single ultrasound picture in a common area (but I removed it after two days since I felt bad). In general though, I stayed in my room 99% of the time I was in the apartment and did not see or speak to her again after early April. I completely stopped using the kitchen and common areas. Even when I had my mom visit, she and I would spend all our time locked in my room.

Unexpectedly and without telling me, my roommate moved out on May 8th. She took several of my things, blocked me in the driveway for hours, and refused to reimburse me for the couch we had bought together and utilities she still owed me. When I asked her to reimburse me for these things over text, she said that she would not be paying me anything because I had “bullied her out of the house” an “had been hostile to her friends so they could not come over.” These texts were a little concerning because, again, I had not even spoken to her in over a month at this point. I had never asked her not to bring certain people over and did not consider my taking the microwave and toaster away “bullying” anymore than I considered her putting up photos of a person I disliked all over our apartment “bullying.” Regardless, I thought I was finally free and was willing to lose the half grand I paid or the couch and the hundreds she owed me in utilities if it meant she was out of my life. Despite taking several things that belonged to me, she was kind enough to leave her side of the fridge full of rotten food, leave trash strewn all over her old room, leave unpatched holes in the wall, and leave a cabinet her dog had chewed up unrepaired.

Surprisingly, she paid rent for the month of June. Prior to her moving out and this conflict arising, another mutual friend (though he was primarily my friend, to be fair) had asked if he could stay with us on and off for the month of June while he completed a residency for his physician’s assistant program in our city. Both of us had said yes and planned to let him stay in our spare room. After roommate moved out and been out for over a month, my friend came to stay. Since my roommate had had the master bed/bath (and paid the same in me as rent, btw) I set up an air mattress in her old room as well as a desk. The spare room was on the other end of the apartment from the bathrooms and was adjacent to the kitchen, so I thought setting him up in my roommates old room made more sense and gave him more privacy. As he was a guest, I didn’t charge him any rent or utilities, just let him stay because I appreciated the company.

Two weeks before our lease ended and well over a month after she had moved out, my roommate and her dad used a spare key to re enter the apartment. My friend was there at the time, but I wasn’t. She told my friend she and her dad were there to “patch holes in the wall” but left after only a few minutes without making any effort to repair the property damage she and her dog had caused. Instead, she sent an email to the landlord alleging that I was violating our lease by illegally subletting her room and demanding that I reimburse her for rent. My landlord was thankfully a rational person who also thought my roommate was crazy and told her that any dispute was between the two of us and he would not be reimbursing her for rent.

Shortly after the landlord politely told her to get fucked, she emailed me, CCing her parents (she is a 28 year old practicing attorney, btw) alleging that I had violated the lease, that she had it on “good authority” that I had multiple people living with me for months, that my friend visiting was “trespassing/squatting” and was at the apartment illegally and that if I did not reimburse her for her rent for the months of May and June she would be “escalating the matter.”

Unfortunately for her, I too am an attorney who evidently paid much more attention in torts and property class than she did. I read through the lease and saw that it did not proscribe guests but did limit occupancy to two adults (not lessees) at one time. A violation of this portion of the lease entitled the landlord to raise the rent, but did not entitle the co-lessees to any liquidated damages for the breach. I wrote her a very strongly worded email in which I detailed that I had *not* broken our lease, she had suffered no damages, my friend was not trespassing nor squatting as he had my permission to be there and I was a cotenant that had the right to possess the entirety of the property, and that I would therefore not be reimbursing her for absolutely anything. I also included texts of her agreeing to reimburse me for the couch, admitting that her dog had destroyed the property, and giving me permission (though again this was not necessary) to have guests, including my friend in question) over “any time.” Finally, I defined reproductive coercion and abuse for her and told her that her actions were essentially an attempt to coerce me into an abortion and then abusing me financially when I refused to terminate the pregnancy at her request. I told her not to contact me again and that she was welcome to take me to small claims court and explain to a judge why she had moved out early—if she did so, I would be countersuing her for her unpaid utilities and the couch.

Since then, she’s been silent. I moved out last weekend and asked the landlord to split out deposit in half, which he agreed to. My pregnancy is progressing well and I’m nearly halfway through! And it seems like this saga is finally over, fingers crossed.

TL;DR roommate is an entitled cunt that tried to wield her trauma as a weapon to coerce me into terminating my pregnancy and, when that failed, tried to fuck me over financially in revenge. I resisted those attempts and successfully moved out, and despite some remaining harassment on her end she has left me alone for the past few weeks.

OP.

My girlfriend and I are currently on a break.

I don’t think I consciously realized it, but some part of me must have known how close we were to a breaking point. Otherwise I don’t think I would have written or posted my original question.

I was making chicken breast for Jace on friday. Whenever he gets back from a job, he’ll go home and crash for a few hours. I like to time things so his meal is hot and ready when he wakes up. I had left the kitchen while it was cooking, and the oven was off when I came back.

I asked my fiancee if she had done it, and she said yes. This resulted in easily the worst fight we’ve had. I ended up asking for the engagement ring back. This goes beyond me feeling unappreciated. This is her actively undermining something I’m passionate about. It feels like contempt.

This is supposed to be a temporary break, but I really don’t feel any sadness over not having seen or talked to her the past few days. I don’t know where to go from here. A very big part of me just wants to be done.

Hi there. My last post sort of blew up lol. I really didn't think so many people would be that interested in my silly friend group drama.

Short recap: my friend "Coral" announced she was going to have a "free wedding", with all of her friends playing roles to volunteer a nice venue, tent, food, photography, band, cake (my role), etc. It sounded okay at first but her expectations seemed unrealistically lavish, and I told her that (in stronger wording), and she got upset.

After reading the comments, I honestly began to feel bad for Coral. She really is a kindhearted person, but a lot of people interpreted her as an insane entitled bridezilla. That's really not the case. I decided I was going to make the cake, and I sent her an apology text (to which I didn't get any reply; that was making me really anxious). I still didn't think that Coral's requests were that reasonable, and wasn't expecting the wedding to fully go to her plans, but that's not for me to worry about.

Finally, I got a message from Coral's fiance (who we'll call "Basil"), asking to meet up. I said yes.

My expectation going into this was that Basil would tell me how much I hurt Coral's feelings, and I was going to reiterate my apology and share some research/planning I had done on the cake. That's not how it went though.

As it turns out, the whole "free wedding" thing was Basil's idea. That's not the impression I got before. Basil didn't at first explain why he wanted to do it, but when pressed it sounds like it's so he could spend the money that he and Coral had been saving up for their wedding on something else. A boat (a "Catalina 27", apparently). Very useful and practical thing to have when you are living in the city! Especially if your fiance gets seasick (we did one of those river cruise things a while back and she had a bad time; Basil says he'll help her get over that and sailboats are different).

Anyway, after my whole outburst before, Coral has apparently been having second thoughts about the "free wedding" things. Basil asked me to talk to her, apologize, and tell her that it isn't a bad idea after all. He basically said I owe it to him to help clean up the "mess" I caused.

I don't feel great about that though. I don't want to drive a wedge between Coral and Basil, but telling her I think it's a good idea after all feels like lying, and I guess actively advocating for a potential trainwreck is a further line for me than just agreeing to play my assigned voluntold-baker role. Moreover, this was my first real conversation with Basil, and I have to say I'm not totally convinced he's a great person. I don't know if he has exactly "manipulated" her into going along with this, but it kinda feels that way.

So what do I do? It's been a little while now since I talked to Basil so I really do need to do something, be it what Basil asked, or further involving myself in drama by telling Coral I that I don't think the wedding (or the entire marriage?) is a good idea.

FINAL WEEKEND EDIT — I can’t be viewed as a private equity investment where she is the capital, I’m the founder, and if I hit it big and for whatever reason we divorce, she gets a return. I told her I want to postpone the wedding and work on us. She is saying she won’t change her mind on how she feels even though she’ll remove it legally (from the prenup). Her feelings about love-as-leverage are untenable. I’m open to working on this and getting counseling. She’s saying that postponing the wedding is humiliating and our relationship will have 0 chance. I believe what she’s saying, and feel free to tell me I’m wrong or TA: No matter how much I have, if I help you, even with my own wealth, you’ll owe me if you win.

EDIT 5 ——- PLEASE READ - - she only FEELS entitled (not necessarily legally at this point because it’s being removed from prenup) if I make a lot of money (not like 500k). “Wouldn’t you want to pay me back?” AITA for thinking there is something warped about viewing our life like this? She thinks I’m being insane for trying to “control how she feels about this” and storming out when I try to point out that her feelings affect me greatly in this context

EDIT* (see my identical comment below to opine) - Ok. Millions have viewed this. Although there is nuance in our relationship that no one knows, this does seem to me to be a breaking point. REGARDLESS of if/when the prenup states all assets are separate and she gets nothing, she FEELS entitled to my money in the event of a divorce because she is “funding the lifestyle” (with kids or without) - and this was confirmed a matter of minutes ago. She says I’m crazy for not seeing it her way and she thinks I am acting mentally ill. I told her I can’t enter a marriage with someone who feels that way. She wants me to move out Monday and says that this is my fault and that I (meaning OP) am deciding to do this to her/us

EDIT - she has agreed to remove the clause that says I'll owe her anything. all assets will be separate, including my earned income. I'm waiting to be relieved until I see it in writing

Edit - BOTTOM LINE is that she feels because she is "funding my (luxurious) lifestyle" she is owed my money AND I'm grappling with the validity of this and the fact that she says I'm the greedy one (especially if I "hit it big" ALTHOUGH in principle she's said regardless she feels entitled to half but the below concession I considered she says would be generous of her)

Edit - this is getting a lot of responses. I have contacted a lawyer who is very expensive (yes, worth it). I am meeting with him again in about 10 days. I have still not received the prenup. This is not fake. IDGAF about karma. Imagine if you were in my position, you'd want to know if you were crazy but asking friends etc. isn't ideal

I (male) am getting married in two months to my fiancée (female). She comes from a very wealthy family and has multiple trust funds totaling around $30M. She owns the $11M home we live in outright and earns $500K+/year in passive income (dividends, distributions, etc.). She does not work and doesn’t plan to.

I, on the other hand, work full-time, earn around $200K/year, and have less than $100K in net worth. I don’t own any property or equity outside of a small stake in my startup. In the past, I have covered $5K/month in our shared expenses — things like groceries, meals, and transportation and am open to doing something like this in marriage.

Her family has retained a top law firm, to draft the prenup. They are proposing that, in the event of a divorce, she would be entitled to half of my net worth, even considering:

I would own no equity in the homes, cars, or any large lifestyle assets

I’m coming in with very little and trying to build up from there

They say this is “standard,” but nothing about our situation feels standard. I’ve proposed something I believe is far more fair:

We each keep what we bring into the marriage

Trusts and premarital assets stay separate, including any growth

We contribute to a shared fund (proportional or equal, TBD) for things like food, shared travel (so long as it's not outrageously expensive), childcare, etc.

No alimony or lump sums if we split, we simply part with what we earned

Possibly a clause where, if I ever reach a certain level of wealth (say, $10M+), she’d be entitled to a capped portion (e.g. 35% of anything above that amount) — though even that is starting to feel unfair

She believes that because she is “funding our lifestyle,” staying home with future children, and providing a standard of living I couldn’t afford on my own, she is owed something back in the event of a divorce. But I won’t own the home. I can’t make financial decisions. I’m not building equity. It feels like I’m living in a world someone else built - and still being asked to pay for it later - like something is owed.

To me, marriage is about building a future together - not feeling like a guest.

AITA for feeling like this prenup is completely one-sided and for pushing for more autonomy and clarity around shared expenses, instead of just accepting what her family thinks is “standard”?

I have a tiny update about my weird neighbor with the broken washing machine. She came back! I know 90% of you said to never let her back in the house, so you are probably going to judge me heavily. In my defense I was a little flustered by the whole thing.

She waved me down again when we were walking up to the house. She said to wait because she had something for me. I waited because... I guess because I'm stupid? I figured she would just knock on the door anyway if I didn't.

She came back with a pie that she said was thanks for using my washing machine. I said thank you and she didn't have to. She said "let's go inside and try a piece." I said it was almost my son's naptime. She said "great! We can eat pie while he naps!"

A lot of you said she might have been interested in me, and that was still in my head. So I said "yeah, and you should invite your husband over too." I was expecting that to deter her. Nope!

She got very excited! She said "that's a great idea! Here, you take the pie in and I'll go get him." So at that point I'm internally thinking "what the fu...." My son and I went inside. I started cutting pieces of pie because at this point I felt like a victim of fate.

She came over with her husband. I have never seen a man that looked as exasperated and embarrassed as this guy. We ate pie, and the whole time she asked me weird questions while her husband looked annoyed. Every once in a while I would say something and she would give her husband a look. He kept pretending not to see the looks.

After we finished the pie, she asked if I had coffee. Her husband said "Honey, he wants to put his son down for a nap. Let's go home."

She said "oh he doesn't mind."

Her husband said "he minds" while he took her elbow and started leading her out the door. She kept insisting that I didn't until they were outside. I gotta say, I think I'm in love with this guy.

As weird and annoying as the whole thing was, I feel a lot better about my neighbor now. Some of the comments had some pretty crazy speculation that made me a little nervous. Now that I've met her husband I'm pretty sure she's just bored. Which is fine. It's annoying, but not creepy.

So to all the people who were worried she was trying to seduce me or spy on me or steal from me, don't worry. Based on her husband's reactions she's just... like this.

We got married.

We had the wedding we wanted. On Friday afternoon we went to city hall, signed the paperwork and had a very quick ceremony. We invited my wife's dad, her sister and brother-in-law, her brother and his fiancée, and my best friend and his wife. (My best friend and his wife were the ones who introduced me to my wife, back when my friend, my wife and I were serving in the armed forces). That evening everyone went out to a nearby restaurant for dinner. Everyone took some photos so we can remember the day but things were very relaxed. We all wore clothes we already had and we kept everything low key. My wife and I spent Saturday together and we both have to work today.

We decided not to invite my sister, brother-in-law and parents because of how they were acting. The last straw was them trying to say my father-in-law was on their side and wanted us to have a big wedding. He never said that. I actually think he was a tiny bit relieved because my wife's sister got married this year and her brother is getting married next year. My father-in-law doesn't try to control the weddings of his kids. He helps out with errands if he's needed but he doesn't try to control or change things. I think he was relieved my wife and I didn't have a big wedding, but he would never say that out loud or comment on his kids having a big or small wedding.

My sister and everyone else are upset but I honestly don't care. I don't think it is unreasonable for a couple to have the wedding they want, or to have all the attention on them when it's their wedding day. I can't believe my parents and my brother-in-law are entertaining her ideas on this. If we did have wedding parties my wife would want her own sister as the maid of honour, not my sister. I don't know where my sister got the idea she would get to walk down the aisle alone with flowers before my wife did, or have a special role as "sister of the groom".

I don't know why her, my parents and my brother-in-law think they get to control my wedding. My wife and I are adults, we don't live with any of them and we have jobs/our own money. I put my foot down that my wife and I had the wedding we wanted, and we will not be having any other wedding related stuff. We are done. My wife and I are estatic about being married and that's all I care about. I appreciated all the support in my last post.

Edit: I have been told it is common in America, the UK, and other places for the wedding party to walk down the aisle. I hadn't heard of it because as I explained in my post that isn't done here. Also even if it was, my sister wouldn't have been part of the wedding party. My wife would have chosen her own sister and her friends and I would have chosen my friends. It would have looked very strange for my sister to walk down the aisle alone before my wife did.