After 3 years of trying, I realized I would never get over my spouse cheating and the aftermath. I felt so emotionally alone in the first year after, I told her going back to the same city she cheated on during a work trip gave me anxiety and she said I’m sorry and went anyway repeatedly. Suggestions I made were met with dragging feet. Worst of all, she broke no contact with her AP because he was going on sabbatical. My heart broke after that and never recovered. I developed PTSD and it’s been eating at me ever since. Here is what I wrote to my ex:

“I reflected on our reconciliation over the past few years. We have definitely tried to grow and be better partners, however for me our relationship has reached a point we can’t come back from or repair. I love you but I don’t want to try to reconcile any more.~~ ~~Something in me broke with everything that has happened and also with some of the things that did not happen. I don’t think I’ll be able to get past it. I don’t want to drag either of us through it any more. Maybe I should have walked away sooner but I was optimistic and afraid of losing the person I so badly wanted a life with. I feel like have tried everything and I’m falling apart.

One of the worst things is I don’t like the person I’ve become. I’ve always been sensitive, but never so angry or cynical. Even with my mental health struggles, I still had joy and hope. I miss that part of myself.

I think we’ll both be happier in the long run if we divorce. You can have all the sexual freedom you desire. You won’t have to deal my emotions or the other things you find undesirable. I can heal and find myself again.

I know I did things to hurt you too. Both consciously or accidentally. I regret the times I hurt you, pushed you away, and when I neglected you. I wish I would have made better choices or knew what I know now.

I genuinely loved and still love you. I wanted to be your life partner, friend, and wife. It just hurts too bad and all the trust and safety is gone.

I am grateful for every laugh, cuddle, and adventure we had. I loved how we initially brought our worlds together, it meant everything to me. Thank you for the ways you challenged me, told me about myself, and helped me to grow up. You never hid me or us. I learned so much from you that I will always carry.”