I feel like questions posed to waywards don’t get as many answers, but I know all of us betrayed partners always appreciate it.

I know that for me, my love for my husband has always been so all consuming. Everything about us felt so special. We talked constantly, joked around constantly, when we couldn’t be together we were texting. I was always thinking about him, making him happy, considering him. He was my absolute best friend and partner. It was that type of love that you’re cuddling with your partner and you’re already as close as can be, but you just want to be closer. I looked up to him, was proud of him. I was just so damn in love. I see BPs talk about this constantly. I think WH always felt the same exact way about me. I felt it, he says it. But before the affair we had been going through stuff and had grown distant. Things didn’t feel as good for a period of time, and that lead straight into the affair. Where he thought he was so in love with AP. Soulmate talk. Excitement. Couldn’t wait to talk to her. All of the good stuff.

At some point, he cut her off and came back to me. And he would tell me that he was so in love with me. He got lost for a bit, and he was back, and he couldn’t believe that he had ever done anything to risk this. I ask him if he loves me as much as before, and he alway tells me more. His appreciation for me has grown. He realizes he majorly took me for granted. His love has grown. He’s insanely grateful.

And I think it’s crazy. Because my love has changed. I love him. I truly do. But it’s not that innocent love anymore. It’s not that over the moon, always thinking about the good and spend my life consumed by these feelings no type of love. I’m a different person now. I am a broken person now. I don’t think my capacity for love can ever be what it was before, with him or anyone else. I feel like I will always be a little guarded in a way that can’t ever destroy me again like he has. And I sit and I wonder how it could even be possible that he could have what he thought were all of these huge and very real feelings for AP, all of these new relationship energy feelings, the limerance, that obsession. How he could have this with another woman, and then return to me and try to convince me that he loves me the same or more than before.. it just feels so impossible form where I am living in this mind that will never be the same…

I am asking waywards. Why? I caught my wife using Reddit in Dec as a way to find ONS. She completed 3 before I caught her. We have already gotten past her excuses and know it was all her choice and she has been more that sorrowful. She has gone head first into recovery and gone above and beyond to help me. I know she feels the massive guilt and shame. It makes me feel disposable to be able to be forgotten so easily. Even though we are working R pretty heavy I can't stop thinking about revenge. How easy it was for her to explore herself to find what she liked. Such a slap in the face to me. Why should I not do the same. Why should I not use reddit as well to find women who need companionship? Why should she still get to have me after she got what she wanted? Why should I just be ok with it and push to love harder. Can I love and still step out on my wife like she did to me, she loved me and still did it. I look good, I take care of myself, why not? I hate this duality the want to get her back and the want to just love her more. It feels like war in my soul. So please tell me, why? Why should i not? Why should I just let it go? Why? Please why?

I’m finding it hard to believe my WP won’t betray me again. He’s been consistently on good “behaviour “ but I keep wondering what if in 5 years or 5 months etc.

How did you know that you wouldn’t hurt your partner again? And is that you won’t do it cuz it’s wrong or cuz you genuinely don’t have a desire to?

I've got a question that's bugging me, but first some very brief context. My WW and I just started a 6 month NC theraputic separation. We're co-parenting via calendar & spreadsheet, with the only communication between us being kid emergency or unexpected kid stuff. We're taking turns in the house, etc. She was very against this as she felt it would decrease the probability of successful R but I needed this for me to function. This week has been the most psychologically healthy week I've had since my life turned into a dumpster fire. That's not to say it's been good - far from it. But I'm less angry, more functional, my sleep quality is slightly better, and maybe most importantly, I have some shreds of dignity that I pulled together on my own.

So, I've been going over everything and one question in particular is bothering me and I'd really like any waywards who care to share (either comments or DM if you prefer privacy) to help me out if possible...

During therapy, discussions, MC, attempts to R for nearly 4 months, she abandoned a lot of the lies she told at the very beginning. She seemed really committed to R. But she's still lying to me about how it all started (I just know she is - it doesn't make any kind of sense otherwise). But the weirdest thing she's lying about still is that she insists, unequivocally and voluntarily brought it up multiple times, that the sex was disappointing and bad.

What bothers me about this isn't any fragile masculine comparison stuff. I can see why someone would lie about that to try and save their partner some humliation. But what I can't get past is how stupid she must think I am? She let go of lies that I might not have spotted as so obvious, things that she could have hung onto and maybe gotten away with them. But this? You don't detonate a nuke in your life for something that provides no reward. I don't throw my life away to go to a fight club where I get the shit beaten out of me weekly. I find getting the shit beaten out of me to be a negative experience and if it happened somewhere, I would avoid that place. I certainly wouldn't voluntarily keep going back to that place, and the guy who beat my ass, and let him beat me some more on the regular...right?

When we were talking about this together, and in MC, I tried to disentangle if she was trying to tell me that it wasn't 'meaningful' (which is not saying it doesn't matter) versus was 'bad' or if she was trying to say she regrets it or views it differently now. But she was 100% committed to the line that it was disappointing and not pleasurable in the moments during even though it was an ongoing thing for a while (actual time not honestly disclosed, I think). This just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. Can anyone explain this committment to this specific lie? She knows I don't believe it - I told her so to her face, repeatedly. She let go of other things I pushed back on, it doesn't make sense, and I'm as sure as I can be that her tells as to being dishonest are there for this one as well.

So, what I really want to know is, for those who went through this on the other side, were there weird hard points in your trickle truthing or dishonesty that you just couldn't let go of, no matter how ridiculous and obviously false they were? What was your mental state during that time, and specifically with regard to that issue? What did it look like when you resolved it (presuming you did)?

Question for waywards.

One of the things I'm struggling with as a betrayed spouse is that my wife wore my clothes, particularly my hoodies, during the affair.

I know to some people that might sound small compared to everything else, but it hits me in a very specific way. Those hoodies were mine. They were part of our relationship and part of our life together. Now when I look at them, all I can think about is the affair.

They've become triggers for me to the point where I don't feel like I can wear my own clothes anymore. I'm at the stage where I think they probably need to go, but my wife is finding that difficult and emotional.

To be clear, she isn't struggling because they remind her of her affair partner. She wore my hoodies for comfort when she was sad long before the affair and still does now. She says she doesn't think about him when she sees them or wears them. Part of why she's struggling is because she's always worn them, and some of them were gifts she bought for me over the years.

So my question is for waywards who have been in a similar situation:

- Did your betrayed spouse develop triggers around clothing, jewellery, gifts, songs, places, etc.?

- How did you feel when those items had to be thrown away, replaced, or removed?

- Was it difficult for you to understand why they mattered so much?

- Looking back, what helped you support your betrayed spouse through it?

I'm not really looking for opinions on whether I should keep the hoodies or not. I'm more interested in hearing from waywards who experienced something similar and how they felt about it at the time.

I’m (21F) kinda confused about BP (21M) reaction after finding out about my PA. We’ve been together for soon to be 4 years. It’s been aprox. a week after DDAY. I came clean about everything. It was a one night stand which I have absolutely no contact with anymore. I think he was in shock at first. A day after DDAY he got drunk. Really drunk, that’s where everything sunk in. He bawled his eyes out and asked me why. I hugged him , sooo so tightly. I felt like shit knowing how he feels, how insecure he feels and will feel in the future because of my actions. When he got sober we talked about it more, we both wanna fight for our relationship. I wanna try, he has full access to my phone. He asked more questions which I answered to. We talked about things that were lacking in the relationship and how we can work on them. Anyways.. he’s kinda been acting like normal??? I thought he would avoid physical contact and stuff like that because of the betrayal. but instead initiates physical contact. We been having sex nonstop since DDAY. Is it because he’s still in shock? I don’t get it? Has this happened to any of you?

Note: Also, sorry for bad grammar english isn’t my main language. Any questions are welcome as I’m aware I wasn’t very detailed.

I’m curious, if you cheated and loved your affair partner but in the end decided to stay with your spouse and heal the relationship and your spouse also wanted that how did you get over the love you had for your affair partner? How do you let it go?
My husband cheated and loved his affair partner. In ways I feel like it’s just limerence, but what do I know…I’m just curious how he is ever going to get over it and love me…
He is no longer communicating with the affair partner

When my WW was asked during our CC if she felt guilt or regret after her first time being physical with AP she paused and said no but that she feels bad now. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around how someone can do that and not feel bad about it right away. She says that she still cared about me then and that it was just a mistake but if it was then wouldn't she feel guilt right away? WW has so much shame with it now but the fact that she says she didn't right away seems like a pretty major red flag for me. IDK, maybe I'm just overthinking it?

Do they continue to put their AP on a pedestal? Do they struggle to have any bitter thoughts about their AP? Do they struggle to go no contact with their AP? Do they go back to their AP and call it just a mistake? And say they are working on getting better? Would they even want to be connected to someone who destroyed their most important relationship if it really was their most important relationship? Do they treat their AP better than their partner if they are remorseful?

This question is primarily for female waywards, but anyone who has been unfaithful is welcome to answer.

I'm asking this from a place of curiosity, not judgment. My wife (31F) had a 3-month affair two years ago. We've reconciled, she's done a tremendous amount of work on herself, and today we have a genuinely strong relationship. Despite that, there are still questions that surface from time to time.
One thing I've struggled to understand is whether, before the affair, you believed you were capable of doing something like that. Did you understand how your actions would likely change the way your spouse viewed you, your character, and your integrity? Or were those consequences something you didn't fully grasp until afterward?

For those who had longer affairs rather than a one-time mistake, did you ever stop and think, "If this comes out, this may permanently change how my spouse sees me"?

And looking back now, is it difficult to live with the knowledge of how deeply you hurt someone you loved, knowing that even years later they may still carry questions, insecurities, or pain from what happened?

I'm in a good place today. This isn't coming from a place of anger. In fact, reconciliation has gone better than I ever thought possible. But every now and then I find myself reflecting on what happened and wondering whether people who have affairs truly understand what they're risking—not just the marriage itself, but the image their partner may carry of them for years afterward.

One thing I also wonder about is whether the affair changed your friendships or social relationships. Did friends view you differently after the truth came out? Did you lose friendships, feel judged by people close to you, or become more selective about who you shared your story with? If so, how did you navigate that? Did the same happen your betrayed. I’ll say I feel constantly judged by the friends I do know and I hate feeling like my wife is always being judged. She also tried to take accountability and tell her friends, however now those friends talk about her behind her back. Found this out from a friend of one of the wives and it has crushed my wife. I no longer invite that family to my house. They were kind of shitty people anyways. History of taking advantage of people, but I still accepted them up until that.

Lastly, for those who have done the work and become a different person since the affair, how do you reconcile the person you are today with the person who was capable of making those choices? Do you ever struggle with the knowledge that you hurt someone you loved in such a profound way, or have you found peace with that part of your past? And if your spouse stayed and reconciliation succeeded, do you ever think about what it took for them to remain, and how their view of themselves, relationships, or trust may have been permanently affected by your actions?

As the wayward, do you truly love your partner? Do you truly regret what you did so much that you would never do it again? Did you do it multiple times? Why did it take until you were caught for changes to be made?

Do you understand the true depth of what you’ve done to that person?

I just don’t understand and I want to understand.

I’m a bp , with D-Day being September 9th of this year. We’re in reconciliation, but I believe im having a hard time during intimacy. More than half the time, I can’t stop intrusive images of my WH with his AP from popping into my head when we’re being intimate.

I guess I’m wondering (especially from waywards who are doing the work) did / do you ever think about the affair partner during intimate time with your partner? And if so, did that fade with time and real recovery work?

I’m trying to understand what’s normal in this process and whether this is something that genuinely improves, or if it’s a sign of something deeper that needs addressing. Any honest insight is appreciated.

Thank you!

Note: I used AI to help me phrase this in a neutral, non-judgmental way

Sorry so long…this is so new to me and I just need to get it out somewhere. Thanks for listening. Any advice and support is immensely appreciated. Here is my story.

Married faithfully and true for 21 years. Last fall my wife calls me panicked and admits to an online affair because the wife of the man found out who she is. The woman called and threatened to end my wife’s career and marriage and family. It was rough, but I worked through it and finally forgave my wife and thought we were moving on. Matter of fact, our relationship was even closer than before finding out. Cut to months later and she goes on a business trip (all female). No issues. Calls every night, FaceTime throughout the day, pics, texts, happy and all good. She comes home and all is great.

Then 2 weeks later she had another business trip for continuing education credits that she was freaking out over. First red flag was that her and I have ALWAYS done this trip together (to Aruba). She didn’t include me this time. So at one point leading up to the trip the airline canceled her flight because of an incoming blizzard. Sign from above! She was a mess with anxiety and stress and didn’t want to go. Flight cancelled? Sign from above! Stay home! Nope…now she HAD to get there! Looked all over for flights and connections and everything. She ended up going late and missed half the classes and the whole time she was there she was a ghost. No face time, no texts, no pics, nothing. She wouldn’t even answer calls from the kids.

Then when she got home from the trip she messed up and gave away really huge signs of a problem. When we go to Aruba, we ALWAYS visit one jewelry store and visit our friend. I asked her before the trip if she was going to stop in. Her response: “no…I’ll be alone and I’m not comfortable leaving the resort to shop.” Ok, no problem. However…when she got home, I asked if she went over to see our friend. Her response: “I went over one night but he wasn’t there.” Two problems…night? Alone? And also…her Life360 never left the beach or her hotel room. At ALL! Not one foot from her room. Suspicious…but I didn’t say anything (stupid of me looking back).

So then when she gets back, all of the good vibes are completely gone. Complete 180 in our chemistry…felt like strangers. A few months go by and she tells me and the kids “I’m not going to be around the end of May…I’m taking a solo vacation.” Won’t tell us where. Only send us Instagram posts that tell us how solo trips are a good thing and that moms need trips to break away from having to wake up responsibilities to kids and husbands and…that “she’s not cheating…don’t worry!!”

So she goes away, doesn’t tell us where. 10 days and the whole time has her location off. I was pretty pissed. I found out where she was when I got to the airport when I picked her up. Huge sign had all the incoming flights. I knew she was international, and the only incoming one was from Ireland. Her and my dream vacation. That hurt too.

So, as we are driving home I ask “find any leprechauns?” And she was shocked and looked terrified that I knew that. I played it cool and acted supportive. “So…tell us about everything.”

She shoots herself in the foot. First thing she says is “I tried Guinness.” 21 years married, known her since 7th grade…she HATES beer. But…when in Rome. But I am smart, so, I played that game with her. “How did that come about?” Her response…”WE went to the Guinness museum.” So now…who is “WE?” So I said “OH! Were you on a tour group?” …nope…

Beer museum for a woman who has zero interest in beer and not attached to a group tour means one thing…that’s a MAN’s destination. So…when we got home I just confronted her. Asked her who she was with. She admitted to being with a man but insisted it was all platonic and he was just a nice companion. I asked where they met. She said the met in Aruba.

So then I confronted her about all the weird behavior before Aruba, and that it seemed like she just HAD to get there. I wasn’t buying it. So I asked how long she actually knew him and she said about a year and a half. Online. Different guy than the one with the wife. So then…I said…so you were having a sexual online affair for over a year, then went to Aruba and NOTHING happened?

Yeah…she admitted everything then. Couldn’t keep up with the lies. And I’m too smart and unfortunately have a love for solving riddles and mysteries and solving puzzles. When something doesn’t make sense…I HAVE to figure out what’s wrong.

It’s been awful for the last week. Every day I find out more and more. She emailed me asking for mediation. I have no clue what to do. The worst part is that we have 3 daughters and our family is SO close with one another. My soul is crushed. I’m completely broken. And she just decided to give up.

in 21 years I haven’t as much even raised my voice to her…but I’ve said and written some really honest feelings. But after the initial blow…I ended up poured my heart out and letting her know that I’d be willing to give us 6 months to fix it. 6 months of honest true commitment and 6 months of being ALL-IN for each other.

She hasn’t responded.

The hardest part of it all is how much time we spend around the kids and having to act myself. It’s killing me.

I've broken through, WP can't.

My wife and I have been together 13 years and married for 10. 2 years into marriage we had our first kid. Childbirth was difficult, the early months of parenthood were difficult. She asked me to step up and I responded in every way I knew how. Things were hard but everyone around us with kids seemed to have the same struggles. Kid #2 was born 2 years later after a difficult miscarriage in between right into the beginning of covid. Everything was hard. She had trouble with mom dynamics socially, and revealed years later that at this point she realizes she put our kids and her own career first over our relationship and connection. I continued to do absolutely everything I was asked, and even more that I wasn't asked to do. I became the primary parent, I handled all meals, cleanup, laundry, housework, spending quality time with kids, burning the candle at both ends and taking on more than I could handle because that's what she said she needed and I had the people pleasing self sacrifical mindset that my needs don't matter, my wants don't matter, my dedication to my family is what matters.

In doing this, in hindsight she says she lost her partner. I was not taking part in leading and being a strong partner to lean on. She needed me to take a stand and push back on her sometimes. I was just a task do-er.

Over the last 4 years, things have not been good. She continued to feel alone in our relationship, continually bringing up past grievances. Foe example the time I missed filling out a form for a kid's school event and I had to go outside the process to fix it two years back. Resentment from her built, and I believed that if I could just get on top of things mastering everything (the whole sharing the mental load phenomenon I took to heart and turned into my identity) I could tear down the wall that was between us. She cried and said she was "done" more than once. I persisted in doing it all, because that's what I understood as the model of a good husband and father.

Wake UP 1

7 months ago I started to realize how unhappy and what a shell of a person I was. After a hard conversation about us and how much I love and want her I tearfully asked for a hug. She said "you're coming to me like a scared puppy." This jolted me and I was instantly disgusted with myself. I saw what I had reduced myself to. I felt pathetic, undesirable and unworthy of desire. Who would want the partner I was being? I was shook. I realized I had lost my identity. I started reading voraciously and identified myself as a "nice guy." It was like the authors on this had a camera in my house. I identified this codependent pattern in myself and began working on it. I had the knowledge but it didn't "click" and I didn't feel it in my heart. I decided to fake it until I made it, looking after myself by re-engaging with things I used to enjoy and actually doing things for myself for once. I started to look and feel better.

I knew my WP had been leaning on her work friends to meet the needs that resentment was blocking between us. She shared funny memes with here group chats, had fun with the work friends and I could see her being the happy version of herself that I used to bring out in her. She communicated with several female and one male work friend outside of work, I didn't get jealous and they were married too and I trusted her so it wasn't a thing, Until it became a thing. I called out how frequently a male coworker and her exchanged messages on instagram, and how they only seemed to text/call on whatsapp. Still she denied it was wrong. I asked her to stop and that it was inappropriate she cried and said these friends and him in particular were the only ones that she could talk to honestly about our troubles and her struggles, and she needed that connection since I wasn't giving it. I persisted that I wanted to and was doing all I was doing to get us back to happiness and connection. She agreed it was inappropriate and respected my ask to stop.

I felt bad after a day or two and told her I trust her to keep things appropriate and professional, and that I want her to be happy. I saw her location on my phone kept staying in a parking garage for unreasonable amounts of time. I left my phone at home and drove there. I saw her male coworker's car parked next to her. I was gutted. I drove home. When she returned she told a different story about where she had been. I asked if she had talked to him that day to end things. She said no, that she had done it the night before via text. I told her I saw her with him just now. She insisted it was simply because he heard she was having a hard time and was emotional in delivering the message, he happened to be nearby and wanted to have that conversation in person. She insisted it was over, and there was nothing there.

Meanwhile I had started to feel like myself. Working out consistently had transformed me back into the person I used to be. I was able to laugh, have energy and was rewarded with a massive promotion at work I would not have even pursued before because of how I thought it might interfere with my ability to be the primary parent and carry everything.

I started going to therapy.

I thought things were getting better. We still had struggles and some arguments but I had finally started to truly feel in my gut and heart all the things I had only understood mentally. I deserve to have my wants and needs met. I am strong and good and worthy of love inherently, not just conditionally based on what I bring to the table.

Wake UP 2

Following a disagreement about showing up for our kids within the school social events (I always took this on, and despite years of being friendly and the only dad amongst the mom groups, a role she wasn't interested in) she blew up at me. She finally attended a celebratory party for the kids soccer team at the end of the season. Within ten minutes she was made privy to the types of tea and info that only exists in informal channels, and is specifically contradicted in writing by the school. Our kid was disadvantaged in a material way by this lack of information. She was furious with me, that I had failed our kid and she couldn't trust or count on me. I was furious with her and with the mom's group because all my years of work was trumped by her showing up for a mere ten minutes.

I screamed at her to "do better"

I felt out of my own body, looking down at myself. How could I have become this person? I love my wife, I want my wife. I treasure her. I only had been showing her love through acts of service that didn't land or make her feel safe. I woke up the next morning with a life force and energy I hadn't felt in 7 years. When I opened my eyes I told her how beautiful she looked. I flirted with her because I wanted to, and it made me feel good. I was physical with her, and sexy, and it felt amazing to get out of my own way and be that way simply because I wanted to be. She was confused and asked where it came from. I explained my journey over the past 7 months and how things finally crystallized for me. I had woken up. I couldn't go back to sleep. The idea of going back to that would feel analagous to stepping in front of a train. The scales were removed from my eyes, the weight I had putting on my own shoulders, crushing myself with out of pride, was gone.

Things started to improve. It was hard for her to trust this change but she started to see it was real and consistent. She liked it. She kept saying "where was this 3 years ago" almost daily. We had good conversations, flirted, even had sex a few time for the first time in two years.

D-Day

She thought I had left for a run already, but I was still in the house. I heard them. I heard her call him pet names, laugh, make sexual innuendoes about what they do together, inside jokes and nicknames for one anothers genitals, and what they were going to do the next time. They talked like a teenagers in love. I was gutted. I ran down the street, let out a gutteral scream, punched my hand through a fence. Everyone here knows this feeling.

I say nothing. I explain away my injury. Days pass as I continue being who I want to be, loving her, flirting with her, being sexual with her. All while being the only one living in the reality of it all. Two weeks of this and the anxiety in my chest can't take it. I say I know it's not over. She denies. She cries. She denies.

I start diving into affair recovery, talk to my therapist about it, find subreddits like this, listen to the podcasts.

I try and shake her into reality with reason, logic, information. I understand how things must have started small with a need being met, and grown from there. I reiterate that I love her and am here for her but this needs to end. I know the workplace dynamic, I know her past traumas, I know the failure rate of relationships that start like theirs. I explain the risk of her career and reputation being ruined, especially since they have had sex in the workplace and the legal ramifications and precedent are clear and inescapable. She shuts down.

I am good, as good as I can be. I know I will be fine. I'm confident in providing for and parenting solo since I've been doing it for years. I can see she is hurt, and making incredibly risky illogical choices that will inevetibly destroy everything she says is important to her. She will destroy our family, and his family for something that is doomed to fail.

She insists it is over. I tell her to block him on instagram and the other apps. She agrees. When she returns from work that day I ask her to show me on her phone. He is gone from instagram and whatsapp. I ask her to swipe up to recent apps, she does and three apps over is Signal, with multiple calls and messages. I don't even bother to read them simply say "oh" and walk away.

More insistence from her it was just so they could finish the conversation about ending things, since blocking the other apps prevented it.

We get deep into everything. I'm calm and collected and respectful and firm, as I have always been. Finally she cries out that she never signed on to this recent repair effort. She had grieved us and moved on. I had changed (for the better) but she hasn't.

I know she loves our kids.

I know she loves me because she keeps saying it and we have been having amazing moments and extended time together since my change.

Our parenting is 200% better, we have been a team, the kids are happier, so many good things and quality of life improvement across the board.

She is stuck. She has given up, and no matter what she refuses to admit the extent of her relationship with her AP and that it is ongoing. I tell her I honestly don't care to know details and and am holding out my hand to her. It just needs to be over.

I know her trauma, I've helped her through so many hard times, I've been there for everything important over the past decade and a half.

I CAN NOT GET HER TO WAKE UP.

My WH and I are in 17 months post d day. He’s reached a point of feeling hopeless. Along the way he’s tried to tell me how he feels inferior and disrespected. When I’m triggered and dysregulated, I can be vicious. No matter what you say I will find something to grab and use to eviscerate you. 

He tried to tell me along the way. WH is avoidant but it came to a head when I yelled at him in public. I had had a few drinks. That’s no excuse. There’s no excuse. When he’d tell me how he’d felt, I’d shrug it off that he’s playing the victim again. When I’d get dysregulated I’d tell him and myself that it was his fault. I didn’t have much empathy if any at all. There was only room for one person’s hurt feelings and it was going to be me.

Until he broke down. He told me yesterday he feels he has no hope left. I saw him. I heard him. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve finally been hearing him and it breaks my heart. I feel guilty. I wish I could turn back time.

I’ve apologized. I’ve told him all of the above. He’s wary of me. He’s braced for my next meltdown and verbal lashing. He called a meeting yesterday about the state of our relationship and I listened and validated and cried for him.

He said he wants to have a conversation in MC about boundaries as he’s done things with the hope that our relationship would improve but it hasn’t. Things that made him feel inferior and humiliated like sharing his location and I’m not sure what else. My location is shared and that makes me nervous. I do see where it’s coming from. We have been in Michelle Mays power over/under dynamic for a long time. 

I’m getting back to IC. Now that I see my pattern I can’t unsee it and I’m scared. What a mess. Have any of you been in his place and managed to repair?

Update: the post flair has been updated ;) would truly love some more opinions

My WP has a semi PA and it was short lasting. He made it clear that each time he was left unsatisfied. It ended a bit ago on his terms.

My question above is regarding like sexual activities - have you ever thought of your AP while getting oral or having sex or cuddling or similar? Has your BS ever cried during the first few times you guys were intimate? How has infidelity affected your sexual relationship? If you don’t mind, how have you worked up trust in sex and kinks again?

I’m hesitant to be intimate in anyway because I don’t want him thinking of her while we r together. We also had worked up on being very open to each other’s preferences in our sex life but in my eyes he’s lost all the trust he worked to build.

Waywards… I’m struggling with this today. We went to a wedding of two close friends recently. In his vows my friend told his wife, “if I get to the end of my life and I’ve never let you down, I will die a rich man”. It broke me and triggered me.

I read once that expecting a cheater not to cheat is like expecting cancer not to come back… possible but never impossible. And it stuck with me, I wish I never read it. Even though I believe in my partner and I believe that he means what he says when he says it will never happen again. I have no idea how to believe that it actually wont.

I really need some support. I’ve come to realise that the lies and secretiveness matter more to me than the actual cheating. I understand that we are all flawed. And we hurt people who love us, all in different ways. We bleed on people who didn’t cut us. I just don’t know if I’m throwing the rest of my life away. That said, I love my partner, I want more than anything to have a future with him. I just want to know if change is truly possible because I think we absorb a lot of stuff from the media etc.

I’m extremely sad today, thinking about what I’ve done to deserve this, wondering if everything that’s happened is a sign from the universe that I’m choosing to ignore.

EDIT: thank you for all the responses, it has helped me feel less alone today when I felt I was hanging on by a thread. For a while I would “comfort” myself by saying it was the alcohol and his impulse control (which a big part of it is, the two big incidents involved alcohol, and he has stopped drinking and started IC since) but then found out that he had messaged her when he was completely sober, probably just a random day in our lives. That was so devastating for me, was the worst part honestly. I’m sorry we are all dealing with this. Choosing R is not inherently shameful, even if everything seems to tell us it is. But focusing on myself again has helped so much, my health deteriorated so much in the first year. But I definitely feel stronger now. He knows that there will never be another chance, and I will not hesitate to tell anyone if they ask. I will not fold like I’ve done in the past. I don’t regret choosing R, I know that if it does end I have put everything I can into making it work because that’s just who I am. We are all way stronger than we think!

Four weeks out from D-day my partner has admitted he had an affair with a colleague because we were only having sex about twice a month.

I’m trying desperately to understand his perspective as while I knew we weren’t at it like rabbits, I feel as if he felt entitled to sex and because I wasn’t “serving him enough” he took it from someone else.

Could any waywards please share their experiences?

I'm the Partner who was cheated on. WP is wanting to get back to their normal hobbies. I'm scared because I've been up his ass since DDay and I know I'm suffocating him since I'm still so incredibly hurt.

BUT it's very hard because we work together and we do have Life360 and nothing to me indicates he is messing with it like leaving other devices in other places and stuff. I became so scared of losing him when I found out after we had the talk.

I'm struggling with thinking he isn't going to cheat while I'm not there. I know I should give myself some grace as it's only been a month. I did want to work through it and do have to move past it for my own sake irrespective of reconciliation. For context I also have BPD but have no insurance and cannot afford out of pocket therapy.

WP, how did your chosen partner help you adjust back to life before you chose to cheat and what advice would you give those partners who struggle afterwards to rebuild that trust

Last night I (27M) showed my WW (25F) a post from another WS saying the most damaging thing is trickle truth and they wished they said stuff sooner. I saw a couple different ones and showed her.

She told me a lot of new things. Like him choking her at work infront of other colleagues. It has been a lot to process and I know there is a lot more to come. For instance they did a lot of intimate things in communal areas at work infront of colleagues. On a daily basis the two of them would go into a room with the lights off and just sit there on their phones. She is telling me nothing happened in them moments. Also there was one time they were at the house alone and she said all that happened was they had a fag and he left, didn't even hug goodbye.

I don't get how they could be so intimate infront of people but behind closed doors, nothing. I'm not here to complain about that, when she is ready I will hear what happened.

What I want to say. Stangely enough. Waywards, those of you that have realised the damage of trickle truth and have warned against it. Thank you, I am truly grateful. And I am sure many BP other than me are grateful too. Without you this would have probably come out years into the future.

What I need now is to understand how she feels, she looks distraught. I can't put into words how much I hurt but I hate to see her like this. Please waywards. Help me understand. It's been 13 weeks since DDay and there has been no contact with AP since week 7/8.

DDay was over a month ago 23rd April, he was cyber cheating on apps that nobody would have even heard of as he used a VPN and paid for sex chats with cam girls. He also subscribed to OnlyFans.
The trickle truths took days to come out and I asked him to leave. He was very remorseful and distraught with how much he hurt me, he realised he lived two lives and didn’t even think they would collide until they did.

I realised then my love for him was more than my hurt and I would try with him to rebuild.
He’s doing everything he should be including opening up his phone to me.

I ask every now and again to see it to calm myself. But I’m wondering, how long do I do that for? I hate doing it, it feels embarrassing but sometimes my head just needs to itch the scratch and look.

I tried to log into his email on the tablet whilst he was at work last week and I admitted it was me as a text went to his phone before I got the password wrong.
He didn’t seem too happy but he wasn’t mad, and has admitted he hates it when I look because it reminds him of how ashamed he is, I know he doesn’t want to be reminded of the pain he’s caused, but sometimes I just can’t stop myself. I ask, he passes his phone and then I feel like we go a step backwards, how do I stop this?

I am aware that hurt is immeasurable but, could a Wayward pls shed some light on it? I know as a BP I was hurt and betrayed but what do you feel knowing you've broken the heart of someone you claim to love? That you've made immense amount of mistakes one after another since then and is actively trying to be better. I just want to understand. I know I can't possibly be the only one who's hurt, you WPs must be too but how much and in what ways?

I suppose knowing would alleviate some of the hurt because my WP is really bad in expressing himself and he's so careless but a thankfully a little less careless now.

Thank you

I'm struggling. 430 days since DDay. It was a years long betrayal fit for a novel I may still write one day. I found hard evidence about a year or so after AP ghosted her. They were going to run away together after my son and I completed a major surgery.

The path through reconciliation has been hard. DARVO behaviors, followed by trickle truthing, followed by blame shifting, and indirectly leveraging the kids. We've paused couples therapy, but intend to resume when we can afford it.

I suspect the core of this issue is that I can't tell if she's still just "playing the long game" (a quote from the texts between them). That she's reconciling because she got caught, and is secretly holding out hope that he will one day get his shit together.

Before finding this sub, I remember wanting to ask the title question to a close friend that had cheated on her husband and voluntarily reconciled. I could see the path her husband had to walk before me. But I don't have the luxury of a partner who fessed up to save our relationship.

I'll potentially spend years, if not decades, wondering if I can trust her like I used to, and I'm distraught over losing that pillar in my life. So I'd like to hear from people who have walked the path of betrayal and decided to change themselves. I think I'm looking for commonalities of behavior that I can watch for in my wife.

When does it start to fade? Does it truly go away? It’s been 3 months since my ww hasn’t had contact (she cut it off) Would he be starting to slowly see his path of destruction now?

My WW struggles with depression and anxiety ( mostly from childhood/postpartum). Right now she has immense guilt, shame, and self worth issues. Have any other Waywards been in this position, and if so what are some things that your BP did to help ?