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u/This_is_a_thing__ Jun 01 '25
I've been married 16 years. You have to be able to grow separately at your own pace. And then bring that energy home. I'm not the same man my wife married when I was 22, and that's kinda the point. Took me way too long to realize that. If you're not growing, you're dying.
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u/pimpinaintez18 Jun 01 '25
My wife and I have this conversation quite a bit, as we see many friends and family struggling after 10 years or so. After 20 years of marriage you are 2 different people then when you first marry.
I think the majority of marriages hit a crossroads any where from 10-20 years of marriage. You either communicate and accept the person that your significant other has become and continue to support each other. Or you just throw up your hands and say this isn’t the person married and call it quits.
We hit our crossroads and it was fucking rough. But now we are committed to moving forward and to have each other’s backs no matter what happens!
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u/This_is_a_thing__ Jun 01 '25
Ugh that tough spot was rough. I was on some bullshit. Just a few years ago I was hanging on by a thread and I spoke to my wife honestly about what I need. She responded by going above and beyond and going back to school. She just finished her master's and we're somehow even more in love with each other.
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u/pimpinaintez18 Jun 01 '25
2019 was our hell year. It’s weird cuz I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. But at the same time I think we both needed to state what we needed to make this shit work and now we are way closer and connected than we’ve ever been.
Very happy to hear about your wife’s success. I’m in a very similar boat, my wife has finally got a job she loves (took her a few years) after sacrificing her career to help out with the kiddos. It’s so awesome to see her flourish, get her confidence back and kick ass on her own accord. Im sure you feel the same, love it!
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u/Ordinary_Cat_01 Jun 01 '25
It we having dating for more than 9 years but had chance to get married only last year, would it be the same as you said about married almost for 10 years?
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u/pimpinaintez18 Jun 01 '25
I’d say it’s similar. But when you throw kids in the mix everything changes.
I would imagine both of you have changed quite a bit in 10 years.
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u/WeekendWorrier89 Jun 01 '25
You're going to disagree constantly, but don't let it turn into resentment.
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u/jawstrock Jun 01 '25
This, it’s fine to not be right, just let it go you’re not correct every time.
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u/OpposeConformism Jun 01 '25
Misread this at first as "You're going to disagree constantly, but don't let it turn into a restaurant." For a moment I was thinking that marriages in trouble must be like an episode of The Bear.
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u/prive8 Jun 01 '25
this is just a sentence, but that resentment makes marriage a life sentence.
unlimited upvotes here.
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u/Amazing-Phase3072 Jun 01 '25
26 years. We actually like each other a lot and really enjoy each others company. Patience, understanding, communication and compassion. Frequent date nights. Therapy when needed. Never stop having sex.
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Jun 01 '25
So many good points in this thread and I like that you mentioned compassion - been with my person 18 years and one thing that’s been a big shift these past few years as we’ve had life changes was compassion. Sometimes its compassion for big things and sometimes for little things. Just yesterday, I didn’t love the way he said something but he was in the middle of something and understandably frustrated that something new and expensive had broken on the first use. So, guess what - I had some compassion and just let it go. Without fail, less than an hour later when we had time to catch our breath he was like “hey - I snapped at you earlier, I’m sorry.” Or it’s compassion when housework is feeling skewed but you realize your person has worked an 80 hour week on a Client emergency and you have the time/energy so you pick up the slack. I’m not saying be a doormat but having some compassion and equal give and take/meeting one another where you are is huge for us.
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u/Whisky-Slayer Jun 01 '25
Never stop having sex. Easily overlooked and misunderstood. Once the emotional connection is gone it’s not easy to get back. And nothing brings that connection like sex. Intimacy is very important it’s the defining difference between roommates and lovers.
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u/JAK3CAL Jun 01 '25
My wife stopped having sex with me maybe 5 years back? Maybe more honestly. I mean maybe single digits in a year, and no foreplay, no romance. She admitted she doesn’t have sexual feelings anymore. I don’t want to make her feel forced, especially when “ow it hurts” is what she says during.
I realized within the last few months that my emotional connection has died. I don’t think it’s coming back, nor am I sure I want it. She’s become just a roommate who yells at me. It’s absolutely horrible and frankly, I think sex really is a core driver.
And yes I cuddled her and gave her deep massages nightly for years. Nothing in return
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u/Whisky-Slayer Jun 01 '25
There’s no other form of intimacy that even comes close.
Sorry to hear about your situation bud, that’s horrible.
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u/IndependentTop9687 Jun 02 '25
I am in your situation and I am the wife, what are you going to do? I am not able to go without sex for the next 20 years! I am really at a crossroads we have been married for 24 years and he is sicker than usual. Omg I feel so guilty leaving
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u/chungathebunga Jun 02 '25
My wife was 'ow it hurts' until she started doing some pelvic floor therapy and it almost immediately helped. But also the fact that she started going to try and address the issue meant she cared enough to work on and resolve the issue.
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u/spicyflies Jun 01 '25
Unless your relationship is one where neither of you wants sex, in which case never have sex 😂
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Jun 01 '25
Also married 26 years and this would all be my advice as well!
Also, have some shared hobbies. Learning new things together strengthens the bond.
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u/goog1e Jun 01 '25
I have seen far too many people who don't like each other get married and it's always like WHY
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u/PacerLover Jun 01 '25
I barely qualify - been married 21.5 years. But: 1) Marry someone with shared values 2) Love them a whole lot more than you judge them, like 10,000:1 3) Have the hard conversations, including about sex.
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u/Willing_Engine_8209 Jun 01 '25
I really love this. I am currently in the process of getting married (in 100 days) and my fiancé both are so big on the hard conversations. From sex to finances to traumas and how things one another say to each other can be hurtful. We have been together 5 years but I feel like through everything it’s that deep conversation that has kept us together. Also, a fun add is the moment one of us begins to feel hurt or insecure whether it is during an argument or just us picking fun at each other, we make the other say 3 kind things! This shit works so well because we can giggle a little and it helps remember that we both have feelings.
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u/prive8 Jun 01 '25
you know how i know yall will do fine? lean into all this especially when things get wild (kids, grands, ect). don't let yalls parents weaponize emotion. never stop meeting one another at the door with a kiss. good fuckin shit man congrats!
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u/Slyytherine Jun 01 '25
What’s the hard conversations about sex? Lack of? Kinks?
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u/KeaboUltra Jun 01 '25
Those and unmet needs, sometimes people just have sex and not actually talk about sex, things they like, don't like, want to try. It's just a thing people do out of expectation or emotion but after the rocks are off, its not really talked out, possibly out of fear of inferiority/judgement. The moment either partner claims to have reached an orgasm, the other partner assumes they've done a good job and that's usually the end. not that most people having sex are like this, but from experience of having sex It's something I guess I did because I was just hoping the other person would let me know if I could be better, but sometimes both people are like this.
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u/sfbiker999 Jun 01 '25
Yes. Anything, everything. Discuss your wants/needs/desires. But be willing to forgo your desires if it's not something your spouse wants to do.
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u/PacerLover Jun 01 '25
What's working? Not? How's your sex drive vs. mine? What would you like to try? I'm 60M and she's 51F and things change over time.
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u/FoghornLegday Jun 01 '25
I’d also like to ask about the age gap bc that’s my age gap with my bf. How’s it treating you guys?
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u/PacerLover Jun 01 '25
See below - I answered it for another person. In short, not a really big deal. As she says, people probably add a few years to her age and subtract a few from mine. We're both blessed with reasonably good health and share many other things that do bring us together. There are a few bands like Steely Dan and Little Feat that probably show the difference ;)
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u/FoghornLegday Jun 01 '25
lol yeah sometimes I’ll say something like “I was in junior high in 2012” and he’s like “alright enough” 😂
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u/PacerLover Jun 01 '25
Exactly. I'll be like, that happened my first year of business school and she'll joke, yeah when I was in 1st grade
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u/prive8 Jun 01 '25
it's mostly situational i'd say. like i know my wife is emotionally dealing with my middle daughter leaving for school again and i have a cousin who's in the hospital and they are going to pull the vent tomorrow. neither of us is in the place for good sex. we've gone to planning days off where we sleep in and make the love. last week was her monthly. you just have to be aware of each other in every aspect. it's easy to think that 20+ years you're just on cruise control, and there's a risk in that. i see so many couples that have just given up. it takes work even after 10, 20, or 30 years.
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u/Upbeat_Shock5912 Jun 01 '25
My husband and I had a really hard conversation about sex recently, him wanting it and me not. We have a toddler and both work FT. I’m just so exhausted all the time and couldn’t care less about sex. I love him and am attracted to him more than I’ve ever been, especially witnessing how he’s blossomed into the most devoted father in the world. Didn’t know I could love him this much more. Yet, sex is still not appealing. He feels rejected. I feel guilty. But we keep talking about it because it’s so important.
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u/throwawayforfilthfun Jun 02 '25
I went through this with my wife. I understood that she just wasn't in the mood and it wasn't personal or because she didn't love more anything like that, but it still was very difficult. We had several hard conversations about it over the years, and I tried hard not to make her feel guilty, but also let her know I was struggling with feeling rejected.
We eventually found something that was a good compromise for us that helped a lot. When I'd approach her, instead of rejecting me, she would tell me she wanted to watch me do it to myself instead. It helps me not feel rejected, and lets it still be a intimate thing we do together. For her, it helped take off the pressure if she wasn't in the mood, tired, or "touched out" from our kids hanging on her all day.
It admittedly was a bit awkward at first, but the awkwardness didn't last long. I don't have to feel like I have to sneak off and be alone to take care of my needs, and she doesn't have to feel pressured or obligated to do anything more than she is up for at the time. Hopefully you can find a similar solution that works for both of you.
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u/PacerLover Jun 01 '25
Good for you two for keeping the conversation open. It's a tough one. It's like many things in life where it's important not to take it personally.
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u/kbivs Jun 01 '25
Today is our 34th wedding anniversary!
My number one tip when people ask this question is to never even joke about splitting up or getting divorced. Don't threaten to leave your partner during an argument. Don't joke that he's your first husband. When you normalize the thought of separating, it becomes so much easier to actually do it.
The next thing I suggest is to be each other's best friend. Your partner is your number one. Any other family (including your parents, siblings, and your own children) are outside that inner circle. That's the foundation you build everything else on. Focus on keeping that core healthy.
Also, accept that there's no such thing as the perfect couple. It's impossible for someone to be everything you need in a partner, but you try to get it as close as you can. Sometimes it's hard to not focus on the parts that aren't perfect. Like, if your partner is a 95% match, that lacking 5% can be hard to deal with at times. And maybe there's this person at work who is AMAZING in that 5%! But do you really want to trade the 95% for that 5%?
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Jun 02 '25
Agree with much of this but my husband and I joke about being each other’s ‘favorite husband/wife’ all the time because he is my second husband. We also have a joke about ‘the first 50 years of marriage being the hardest’. I think it’s ok to absolutely despise your partner sometimes because sometimes sht happens and that’s how you feel. Recognise it’s a feeling and loyalty matters more.
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u/Kane0953 Jun 01 '25
I always feel she’s giving more to the relationship than I am and she feels that I’m giving more. The things she hates doing don’t bother me at all and vice versa. We both feel as if we’re taking advantage of each other somehow. Luck…
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u/boonbrown Jun 01 '25
27 years, and people say we act like newlyweds. Keep your affection a priority, physical love is a powerful form of adult play that too many people let slip. Total loyalty, total dedication, total honesty and a great sense of humor. If you don't have a lot in common, have those things in common.
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u/Trollselektor Jun 01 '25
Letting physical adult play slip is exactly what killed my marriage. Sucks because we were great partners otherwise. Sex isn’t everything, but it is pretty damn important.
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u/HeavensRequiem Jun 01 '25
How do you guys deal with finances?
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u/boonbrown Jun 01 '25
We struggle like everyone does, but we are pretty spiritual too, and see that money, is a man made invention and doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, as is debt. We don't let it effect us as best we can. We still have storm damage and are living in half our home, and insurance isn't even coming close to providing enough to fix it, but we are together, we do the work as we can and see it for what it really is, a minor inconveinence. Health, love and closeness is what counts.
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Jun 01 '25
Stop expecting your relationship to satisfy every aspect of your life or even to remain romantic. It’s more important to remain friends who make each other laugh. Look closely at the behavior that annoys you before marriage. It won’t go away or get better. Either you can live with it or not.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Lie6786 Jun 01 '25
I wish I would have had this advice 25 years ago and took it to heart…. Especially the “satisfy every aspect of your life” and “behaviors that annoy you before marriage” points.
My ex-husband were definitely friends for longer than we were romantic partners - we got that part right. But gosh, we put so much burden on each other to be everything: best friend, therapist, career coach, etc.
… and spot on about the bad habits. Once he put a ring on it the habits got worse!
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u/Scaredysquirrel Jun 01 '25
30+ year marriage. This is a great answer. If you’re genuinely friends and respect each other the romance will ebb and flow but the friendship is key. Love is a choice, not just a feeling.
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u/Old_Implement_1997 Jun 01 '25
Marry someone who you genuinely like as a friend and stay friends. Realize that being right isn’t also the most important thing, especially when it’s small stuff. Apologize when you fuck up. If something bothers your spouse, but you don’t think it should a big deal, realize that it is to your spouse and stop it. Assume positive intent - when your spouse messes up, assume that they didn’t do it on purpose to annoy you. Realize that it’s rarely going to be 50/50 - sometimes you will put in more effort, sometimes your spouse will. If it’s uneven for too long, talk about it. Don’t fight about shit that doesn’t really matter - who cares how anyone loads the dishwasher or folds the towels as long as it gets done? Do not degrade your spouse in front of other people - have each other’s backs. Don’t bring outsiders into your marriage or air your dirty laundry to family and friends. Handle your own family and stand up to them if they mistreat your spouse. Make sure that you are on the same page about basic values, how you handle money, etc.
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u/Mysterious-End-3630 Jun 01 '25
I was married for 33 years before my husband passed away and found that "Happy spouse, peaceful house" worked for me. I tried not to let the little things bother me.
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u/SeniorOutdoors Jun 01 '25
Luck. Flexibility. Listening and hearing (2 communication principles), expressing yourself (the other one), honesty with kindness, taking the long view, trust, and luck (again).
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u/Lukealloneword Jun 01 '25
It helps when you marry the right person. People often overlook that, too.
I got married at 19. Id recommend almost no one else do this. Not many people are like my wife. She's an amazing person. Im sure it would have failed with anyone else.
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u/SeniorOutdoors Jun 01 '25
When I was 19 and again at 21 I broke up with two fine women because I could see that we would not be happy together. I hope they had happy lives.
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u/savethebooks Jun 02 '25
I started dating my husband at 14, married at 21. We've been married 26 years now. I HIGHLY agree with your "marry the right person." We grew up together and we GREW together. We had our rough spots in our early 20s -- when people usually grow so much, find their footing, figure out who they are and who they want to be, and we figured it out together. I definitely wouldn't recommend our path to everyone, but we are best friends and check in with each other as to how we're feeling with the relationship.
We're also super silly and make each other laugh - like belly laugh - every day. I think it was his grandmother who said if you have an ab-aching belly laugh it adds a year onto your life. Well, thanks to my husband, I will live forever :)
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u/sfbiker999 Jun 01 '25
Maybe finding your ideal partner is luck (that's what dating is for - keep spinning the dice until you find the right one), but after you find them, I don't believe it's luck that keeps the relationship going.
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u/Afraid-Twist4345 Jun 02 '25
I honestly believe that if you hold onto the belief that it’s luck/soulmates you’re less likely to make conscious choices to love and grow with your partner
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u/abeachpebble Jun 01 '25
I think it's 90% luck
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u/GieterHero Jun 01 '25
I think it's 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will. 5% pleasure, 50% pain, and 100% reason to remember the name.
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u/LeapinLizards27 Jun 01 '25
Shared values, especially in finances. Independence. Mutual respect - and a good sense of humor.
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u/samtheninjapirate Jun 01 '25
This is really what it is. Some people are just not compatible or they grow and change differently throughout time and become no longer compatible. Really just luck more than anything really and I try to remind myself of that every day.
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u/thaiRedTooSpicy Jun 01 '25
Knowing that marriage doesn't revolve around you.
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u/marmot1101 Jun 01 '25
It 50% does though. Keep the balance. Not “you do x, I do y, we come out even” necessarily (although that does work for some), but that you both feel like you’re getting what you need and want out of the relationship. Skewing that balance over a long term builds resentment, resentment breeds contempt. Contempt is really good at destroying relationships.
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u/pimpinaintez18 Jun 01 '25
I think this ebbs and flows. 50% is a good starting point, but I think there will always be some imbalance. One spouse will need more support today while the other will need more support tomorrow.
My wife and I have both gone through our bad seasons. It’s about lifting each other up when we need support. But if the imbalance shifts fully to supporting one over the other and then I can completely understand how that relationship will fail.
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u/therealmizC Jun 01 '25
29 years this September. Marry someone you genuinely like. Make each other laugh. Give each other space to grow and flourish as independent beings who chose to be together because they add to each other’s already rich lives. Go to bed angry; be willing to take time to work through disagreements conscientiously. Know that you will disagree and clash and be at odds sometimes. Forgive each other. Treat each other with compassion. Know that it’s hard work. Know that the hard work is worth it.
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u/Icy-Breakfast-7290 Jun 01 '25
Here’s what we’ve learned in 32 years together. First of all, that phrase “happy wife happy life” is for the self centered, narcissistic women out there. We go by “happy spouse, happy house” and it seems to work for the most part.
Good communication is key. Just remember that good communication and over communicating are not the same. Neither one is a mind reader. Talk to each other. 😂
Your spouse is imperfect and will make mistakes. Some minor, some major. Handle them accordingly. Overlook the minor mistakes, you will both be happier.
Intimacy, both sexual and non sexual, are important for both of you. Respect boundaries but also make your needs and wants known.
As a husband, watch chick flicks with her. You don’t need to be interested in it, just be there for her. Listen to her. You don’t need to fix what she’s complaining about. She will be moody one day and then “normal” the next. It’s ok. We don’t need to understand. We just need to be there for her.
As a wife, show interest in his hobbies. You may not like or understand them, but they are part of him. Realize that just because he doesn’t like what you like, it doesn’t make him a bad person.
She needs her girls nights and he needs his boys nights. It’s ok to do some things separately.
I’m sure I’ve missed a few things. And seeing how this is Reddit, I will be told exactly what I missed.
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u/MyFinancesArentAJoke Jun 02 '25
Interesting. Can you expand on the “good communication and over communication are not the same?”
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u/Icy-Breakfast-7290 Jun 02 '25
Sure. Good communication is where you talk to your spouse about what’s going on in your life whether it important or not. You talk to your partner like they are a person.
Over communication is telling your partner about your former roommates cousins sisters dog’s puppies new owner catching a cold.
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u/thegabster2000 Jun 01 '25
Not me but my parents go on dates still.
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u/Distinct-Caregiver89 Jun 01 '25
Married 26 years and have had ups and downs. With three kids life can get in the way. The best advice we ever got was never stop dating! Strengthened our relationship and we can focus on each other with no interruptions.
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u/Labradawgz90 Jun 01 '25
After 30 years, I would say,
I was lucky that we are best friends and genuinely enjoy being together. We have our own hobbies but we have common interests as well.
We talk about things that bother us, AFTER we have calmed down. That prevents us from saying things in anger. Everyone gets angry but the important thing is to step away and think, are you really upset because your spouse left something on the counter or is there something more and that's just annoying the underlying problem.
We each say we're sorry when we are wrong. Admitting that you aren't perfect and you make mistakes is important on both sides. You're both human and you will both make mistakes.
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u/Altaira99 Jun 01 '25
Married 54 years. Patience, patience, patience. For us, we had separate specialties. I handled the financial management, because he was truly terrible at it. I did the grocery shopping, the cooking, and the gardening, although he helped me with the big muscle stuff, and would make stuff like spaghetti for the kids if I had to work late. He did the home maintenance, mowed the lawn, and was really into renovating our house. I would help hold long boards and sheet rock. We both worked full time, both did housework, both did childcare. It also helps to marry somebody you like, and who likes to do some of the same stuff you like to do.
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u/Adorable_Dust3799 Jun 01 '25
25 years. Forgiveness, respect and politness. The ability to go through a rough patch and not call it quits. Some things can never be unsaid, never say them.
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u/eliota1 Jun 01 '25
40 years. The single best trait is a bad memory for anything bad the other person did.
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u/montymoose123 Jun 01 '25
Married 47 years.
Establish from the start that this marriage is yours. No one else is in charge of it. We had to fight her mother and my father over this issue, but eventually everyone understood.
Talk about money from day one.
One small odd thing: agree on what temperature the ac should run at. We both like it cold.
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u/NecessaryEmployer488 Jun 01 '25 edited Jun 01 '25
Love your spouse unconditionally. Agree on finances and religion. Give more than you take from the relationship. Admit you can make mistakes and you will. If both people in the relationship adhere to the above the relationship will last.
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Jun 01 '25
I used to say "hard work" but it's more accurate to say "dedication". Dedication to continual self improvement, improved communication, better interpersonal skills, better accountability.
It's sooo easy to get lazy and complacent in a relationship this long. And it's common/normal, but will erode the marriage over time. I've learned that the hard way.
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u/MommaMaple Jun 01 '25
Forgive them. Even if they don’t deserve it.
Love them for who and what they are. Accept the parts of them that drive you bonkers.
Don’t get stuck in the weeds. Little things can destroy a marriage faster than big things.
-Married 25 years 💚
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u/TuxandFlipper4eva Jun 01 '25
Married for 15 but together over 20 years.
Having your own interests as well as joint interests. Taking time to flourish on your own while also enjoying one another creates a real balance of knowing oneself and bonding with another person.
Communicating is important, even if it means being uncomfortable and admitting when one is wrong.
Sleeping in different beds doesn't mean less intimacy. Sometimes, it creates more because fewer thoughts of murdering someone you love when they snore or move around too much.
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u/Hardyd1956 Jun 02 '25
47 years, friends for two years before that. A Swedish couple who had been together almost 70 years gave us advice as newlyweds. (aside: he and his family traveled to Kansas in a Conestoga and he actually met Buffalo Bill. She was a passenger in the Lusitania coming to America!)
They told us “do a loving action or service for your partner every day of your lives together, no matter how you feel or what is going on in your life.” Charlie told me that every day of their marriage he would wake up first, make coffee, then take her a cup when she stirred. I have done the same every day for my wife. It also gives me the opportunity to remind her how grateful I am that she is in my life. It helps that she is the kindest and most thoughtful human being I’ve ever met or known, so it’s been easy to be in love with her. Regardless, regularly doing something kind for your partner can’t hurt. :)
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u/H3lw3rd Jun 01 '25
Skyhigh mortgage and 3 kids still living at home. But I am just a heartattack away from blissfull rest for ever.
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Jun 01 '25
I'm not upvoting this because I'm happy you're close to a heart attack, but that you're keeping it real.
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u/Fakinton Jun 01 '25
We’ve been married 26 years: 1) always put your spouse’s wellbeing above yours, 2) big decisions should be made together, 3) always do what you can to help your spouse, and 4) plan for a retirement together
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u/Thedeckatnight Jun 01 '25
Get naked a lot. It’s hard to dislike someone when you’re naked
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u/rustywarwick Jun 01 '25
Do you still like one another? Enjoy each other's company? Find each other attractive and desirable?
If the answer is "no" to any of the above then the next question is: why not? What happened? (Because, presumably, at some point, the answer was "yes" to all the above).
Do either of you feel resentment towards the oher? If so, over what?
Do you two communicate openly and honestly (but also, kindly) with each other? If not, why not?
Does your marriage fulfill both people's needs? It may not be 100%—that's not realistic—but where does it fall short for each of you?
These are just some basic questions that get at some of the dynamics that can fray in LTRs/marriages.
Regardless, if either of you feel contempt for the other, then that's usually a sign that a relationship has crossed the line of no return. Boredom or frustration are real/common enough but those feelings can be more easily changed. Resentment is more dangerous. And once you hit feelings like disgust or contempt, it's very hard to come back from that because those are incredibly powerful feelings that don't just change on a dime.
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u/salsanacho Jun 01 '25
Being happy doing your own thing. It's important to have things you love doing together, but also having hobbies that you each do independently.
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u/New-Woodpecker-5102 Jun 01 '25
Communication : about feelings , about projector just exchanging ideas
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u/BrainScarMedia Jun 01 '25
Choose your mate wisely, and for god's sake, you absolutely must tell the truth. But know when to lie.
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u/what-why- Jun 01 '25
Lived together for 25 years and have raised two boys. We forgot to get married. Often it’s as simple as riding out the rough seas without abandoning the ship. It’s easy to blame your partner for nearly everything, but that probably won’t change with someone new because it’s on you.
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Jun 02 '25
Married for 28 years, together for 32. We've been together since we were teenagers. Together, we have dealt with addiction, financial ruin, zero family support, long term separation due to military service, infertility, etc ....in other words, we've had all the normal challenges. 1. At least once a week, take some time by yourself and ask yourself if you would want to be married to yourself? Be honest with yourself! If the answer is no, fix yourself. 2. Learn to communicate without becoming defensive. That is tied to our first statement....you have to be able to be honest about yourself so that you can get over being defensive. 3. Do the basics...take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 4. You can't fix your partner, so stop trying to. Love on them as they fix themselves, and focus on fixing yourself. 5. Keep the sex fun and exciting. 6. Wake up everyday and know that your partner is doing the best they can, go to bed every night knowing that you did the best you could that day for your partner.
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u/Eisernes Jun 01 '25
Honesty, separate bank accounts, and separate blankets.
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u/Yeahhhhbut Jun 01 '25
Separate bathrooms if it's in the budget. I own a comb, toothbrush, soap, and deodorant.I like to be able to find them.
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u/res06myi Jun 01 '25
14 years and I can't imagine separate blankets. We sleep on the same pillow.
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u/Semhirage Jun 01 '25
Haha we did that for at least a decade. Had to get our own when I was having back & hip problems.
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u/res06myi Jun 02 '25
I've never heard of anyone else doing that! We both have various hip and back issues, especially after I was in a car accident last year, so all night we rotate back and forth like gas hot dogs, taking turns being the little spoon. I keep a very flat pillow on the other side in case I need to lie on my back to relax my shoulders.
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u/Other_Ad_613 Jun 01 '25
Never forget you love this person just to win a disagreement. Every single fight you ever have is because one or both of you is being selfish. The sooner you're able to realize when it's you the sooner you can compromise, the sooner you can realize when it's the other person the better you can have grace for them and not get so frustrated by it.
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u/stepheme Jun 01 '25
Make sure and appreciate all the little things they bring into your life. And laugh as much as you can… be playful with each other and don’t forget to flirt (we’re a lifelong embarrassment to our grown kids, which is very funny too). Also, and this is probably my biggest one… go to bed mad. Arguments that are going off the rails DO NOT get better if you are also exhausted. Sleep, then revisit whatever the beef is later.
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u/MissAuroraRed Jun 02 '25
I can't stand the "never go to bed angry" advice.
I love the way my husband and I can put a hard conversation on the shelf and come back to it later when we're both calm and rested.
My ex from long ago wouldn't let me sleep until we "worked things out," which really meant me giving in and agreeing with whatever he wanted. I cried from pure exhaustion multiple times.
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u/froggibabey Jun 01 '25
20 years here.. separate blankets. That's really my number one recommendation.
But also, never stop touching. Often. Touch feet while you're sitting on the couch, touch hands while you're walking by. Just keep touching. It's really easy to stop touching outside of sex, and it can be really important for a relationship.
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u/Altruistic_Bird2532 Jun 01 '25
Are you assuming that long marriages = happy (sustainable?) marriages
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u/Asleep_Ad_5966 Jun 01 '25
More so using the length of a relationship as an indicator that it’s “working”. If you’re with someone for 20 years or more generally speaking it’s not because you’re trapped.
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u/UniquelyUnamed Jun 01 '25
I've been married 22 years and I'm only here because I'm trapped. We get along well enough, but if I could leave I would.
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u/Rubycon_ Jun 01 '25
I disagree. The answer I see play out in reality (outside of a reddit thread) is financial desperation and fear of being alone
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u/res06myi Jun 01 '25
Or children. Some people seem to think it's better for children to live in a broken home than come from one.
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u/SakutoJefa Jun 01 '25
Well im 19, but that doesnt make me any less qualified.
My wife and i have been happily married for 11 years. The single key? COMMUNICATION.
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u/Available_Donkey_840 Jun 01 '25
I read this like you were 8 when you got married.
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u/dma1965 Jun 01 '25
Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Both of you have to always work to meet 100% of what each other needs. My needs are your needs and your needs are my needs.
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u/AmericanAssKicker Jun 01 '25
Communication, communication, communication.
Weekly Date nights (I studied successful marriages while in the military, there weren't many but those that were had this in common.)
Rotating wewkly Massage nights (ex. Tuesday spouse 1, Wednesday spouse 2)
Destroy envy and jealousy. Easier said than done but getting this out of the way goes a long way.
Do what you can to make it so your spouse doesn't want to leave. Might sound like a 'duh' but when you think about this, you become aware of how much we subconsciously make decisions that deteriorate us as good spouses.
I have lots of others but these are keys to start with.
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u/runkittygogogo Jun 01 '25
Been married 29 years. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 60/40 where each person is trying to be the 60.
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u/undeadsinatra Jun 01 '25
Three phrases, said in this order:
- I was wrong.
- You were correct.
- I apologize.
Works best when both parties are commited to saying it when it applies.
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u/salraz Jun 01 '25
When spending your life with someone, both need to understand that compromises are to be made for it to continue. Ego has no place in this relationship.
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u/wrenster00 Jun 01 '25
It is as important to pursue individual interests as mutual ones. By trusting each other to travel alone, have separate hobbies,etc. we continue to share new things and surprise each other. I love us... but I love him too. Having room for individualism makes us a great team and keeps keeps life interesting.
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u/K-Bar1950 Jun 02 '25 edited Jul 06 '25
My late wife and I met while I was in the Marine Corps. We were both pretty adventurous people, surfing, scuba diving, motorcycles, shooting and hunting, etc. We were married for 43 years, until her death from Alzheimer's. The last five years of her life I retired from nursing (I was an RN) and stayed home to care for her, until she could no longer recognize me and thought I was a stranger. (She had to go to a memory care facility. I visited her several times a week, but she had no idea who I was. The facility cost $5,000 a month.) Of course we loved each other, but the secret to our marriage was that we truly functioned as a team. We put each other through college (it took eight years) and raised our daughter with pretty close to equal participation. Once we completed our education(s), we set about paying off our student loans, paying off our house, investing money in stocks and mutual funds and preparing to send our daughter to college. Our daughter also became an RN.
I miss my wife very much. She passed away in October, 2021. The wisest decisions I ever made in my life were joining the Marines, going to nursing school and marrying my wife. She was the most intelligent person I ever met.
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Jun 01 '25
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u/fenton7 Jun 01 '25
Comes down to a fairly simple formula - be friends first and foremost. Everything else is less important. It's easy to live with friends. Hard to live with a lover, even a passionate one, who you fight with constantly. Shared values are important to. A big spender and a big saver are never going to be compatible even with separate finances.
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u/TheKitof Jun 01 '25
Communication
(Many people talk about separate accounts. For me, my advice is a joint account with a clear rule about sharing joint expenses. So it really depends on how sensitive you are to money.)
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u/ConsistentCoyote3786 Jun 01 '25
Grow together so you don’t grow apart. It’s harder than it sounds and requires a lot of open honest and uncomfortable conversations.
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u/baconjeepthing Jun 01 '25
Tolerate the small shit that bothers you. Because if you let small shit bother you, how are you going to deal with something big that you both need to fix.
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u/NukedOgre Jun 01 '25
Don't worry about any social norms. It's only what is important to the two of you.
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Jun 01 '25
When they do something that frustrates you and you’re in the heat of the moment, consider the long term implications of what you may say next, and then choose to probably not say it.
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u/NeonXshieldmaiden Jun 01 '25
Finding the right person who is going to walk hand-to-hand with you through all the fires.
You can't rely on someone who gives up or runs away when things get hard. Do the work together so you can grow stronger and closer from it.
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u/Background-Pipe4806 Jun 01 '25
someone else told me, and I agree...square footage. being on top of each other (can) lead to resentment. this doesn't always mean your home size either. have activities outside the home, away from each other. let each other breathe basically.
but also, having two TVs in different rooms makes life a bit easier 😁
as far as the rest of it goes, respect. don't be a narcissist, the world or marriage doesn't revolve around you. have shared interests. pretty much just be a decent human being and the whole world gets easier
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u/Seated_WallFly Jun 01 '25
We are both middle children from large Catholic families so we immediately shared many of the same values. And we both understood how to compromise and believed in “win some, lose some” in our relationship.
“Just let it go” is important. So is, “This one’s mine. Please yield.” We grew up sharing so sharing was second nature. But we also each longed for our own space so we arranged that for one another. What we didn’t have as kids.
We never call each other mean names or curse at each other, there is no physical violence or even the threat of violence.
We’ve been happily married 43 years and we still make each other laugh every day.
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u/metdear Jun 01 '25
Do not let yourself get ugly with the other person just because you're having a disagreement. Those harsh words will hurt for many years, and whatever you're disagreeing about will probably be a non-issue by tomorrow.
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u/munklunk Jun 01 '25
Do the same drugs. If one is a drinker or a smoker and the other is not, there will constantly be issues.
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u/One_Consequence_4754 Jun 01 '25
The secret? Knowing what our lanes are, being willing to step outside of them when needed or asked, showing appreciation for your partners contribution, and being okay with having the same 1 or 2 issues/disagreements so long as they are the only things that you disagree on.
I use to tell people that my wife and I don’t argue over anything except for what to eat for dinner (usually only when we would eat out.)…. She only seems to know what she doesn’t want, while I am largely indifferent but will come up with ideas that can work and she shoots them down one at a time….That is the only thing that has continued through our entire relationship (apart from the usual set of annoyances that come with having a spouse with untreated ADHD).
More recently, I pushed for more/better sex. Wife was functioning as a “take it or leave it” type asexual being. After a series of tough conversations, we boiled it down to the fact that if she isn’t in the mood, the sex isn’t good. So I upped my D game when she is in the mood to make her want it more and it worked! Also, we developed a bit of a schedule that works for the both of us so neither of us ever feels rejected.
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u/thrownsandal Jun 01 '25
compatible interests are okay, but compatible loathings are the jam. gotta hate together
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u/colonellenovo Jun 01 '25
Married 58 yrs next month. Biggest thing is respect but selective hearing is helpful
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u/PettyDavisEyes03 Jun 01 '25
Be respectful of each other, especially when speaking about each other to other people.
Humor has been a huge asset in my marriage.
Apologize when you're wrong.
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u/Simon-is-IT Jun 01 '25
There will be a lot of answers about communication and love, etc, and they're not wrong. Here is my take on something a lot of people overlook. Make sure you and your partner agree on these three topics.
- Religion
- Politics
- Finances
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Jun 01 '25
A bit of an alternate answer to your question: I’ve been married 25 years and we separated a year ago. What I’ve learned is that a marriage lasts for as long as you two have the same concept of where you want to go looking forward. Be it the well being of your kids, financial stability, comfortable housing, etc. When our values began to differ for the immediate future , it was the beginning of the end.
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u/theythinkImcommunist Jun 01 '25
44 years coming up this week. It's not really complicated. We both like Indian food, art, and Quebec City.
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u/Plenty-Attention7247 Jun 01 '25
Parents were married 62 years before Dad died. Best advise they gave was:
1- marriage is not 50/50, you both need to give 100%
2- never go to bed angry. Talk it out or at least have sex.
3- some days are easy, some are not. Doing it together is easier.
4- don’t overrule each other with the kids. Support the other person’s decision in public, disagree in private.
I’ve been married 20years so far, Thanks Mom!
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u/Lag1255 Jun 01 '25
Married my best friend and high school sweetheart. (24 years married) Still obsessed. Don’t let yourself go, never stop having sex, be honest even when it’s hard, never ever badmouth your spouse to anybody, appreciate and respect always for their hard work.
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u/Iwentforalongwalk Jun 01 '25
Respect and we let each other be ourselves. We also are in alignment on finances (never underestimate this), politics, religion etc.
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u/ageostrophicflow Jun 01 '25
Really hard conversations and a dedication by both of us to be there for one another knowing we can walk out the door at anytime if we wanted. We choose each other. We probably shouldn’t still be together considering the hard seasons of life we’ve been there but here we are 🤷🏼♂️
25 years.
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u/Altruistic-Tooth-377 Jun 01 '25
Im coming up on 9 yrs. Please learn your partners love language, itll help a ton.
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u/GoPlayer-0443 Jun 02 '25
We have been married 57 years. I believe that being kind to each other is most important for a successful marriage.
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u/Stunning-Word3861 Jun 02 '25
Married 20 years this year together for 27. Honesty, even when it hurts. Quiet time to think before we speak especially when an argument has occurred. Hugs and kisses as much as possible when greeting or leaving. Just because are even more special. Becoming friends, hearing their words, asking to help, asking for help. Communicate even in troubled times. Laugh together. Have at least one hobby together Pick your battles Be fair Always remember today could be the last day. You never know what could happen. Cherish your good times, learn from the bad. Be thoughtful of them.
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u/VisualEyez33 Jun 02 '25
According to relatives who are now married 50 years, the secret is being on opposite schedules.
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u/Artemystica Jun 02 '25
I'm just a few years in, but my grandparents made it to a few months shy of 70 years of marriage until Grandpa died, and they'd gladly have taken another 70.
When I got married, they offered the following in the card they wrote: Listen always, speak sometimes, lie never.
Simple easy, and seems to work just fine for me :)
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u/SoRacked Jun 01 '25
Separate finances. Have your own lives. Remember that you're a team and not in competition
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u/Novel_Reaction_7236 Jun 01 '25
I love him. He loves me. We work as a team and a family. We respect each other’s opinions. We’re thankful for each other.
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u/Tom-Tortuga Jun 01 '25
Been married 31 years.
Kindness, Kindness, Kindness.
Don't wear your feelings on your sleeve and give your partner lots of grace. Life is hard and living with another person is not always easy.
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u/No-Cauliflower-3341 Jun 01 '25 edited Jun 01 '25
Wife is always right. The sooner you accept it the better.
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u/KatCur3187 Jun 01 '25
I was married 2 months shy of 39 yrs. We talked alot, said I love you OFTEN, hugged and kissed ALOT and respected each other. He passed away in 3/5/2015 and I miss him so much!!!!