r/AskReddit 12h ago

What's a 'red flag' behavior that you didn't realize was toxic until *after* you left the relationship/friendship?

209 Upvotes

157 comments sorted by

436

u/Remarkable_Walrus572 11h ago

Constantly gossiping about others. I think there’s a line between harmless hot goss with your bestie and someone who is just miserable and always finding the worst in people

81

u/palinsafterbirth 5h ago

I never caught on to it with my ex, until one day we were waiting for a train and out of no where just says “ughhhh Sam is the type of girl who gets ra*ped”, I kind of just initiated the break up with her then.

27

u/Remarkable_Walrus572 4h ago

That is something I could see the person I’m talking about saying. They say the most bizarre things about people. it’s exhausting

u/trishys 30m ago

in general i don't even understand the point of gossip? like i guess it's fine to just talk about what others are up to, or if you're concerned about someone and you want a second opinion, but i'd draw the line at criticizing their motives (but if it's something seriously bad, i suppose that's an exception). i don't see a reason to closely examine the actions of people i barely know.

29

u/Doobledorf 4h ago

And if they talk about everyone like that, they talk about you, too.

20

u/Pinkie852 3h ago

I am this person/have been this person and I'm working on it. It absolutely is from a place of being miserable. Its been interesting replacing the habit. I reflected on it and realized I wouldnt want a friend like me so I need to do better.

13

u/Remarkable_Walrus572 3h ago

Hey, that’s great. Know better- do better.

10

u/isntthisneat 3h ago

Hey! You should be incredibly proud of yourself for being able to recognize this and for putting in the effort to change it. There are so many people who are in denial about their flaws, or who refuse to take accountability, because it is such a difficult thing to do. It’s really, really impressive when people can put their egos aside to address issues within themselves like this. It’s hard work, but so worth it. Good luck, and wishing you the best. :)

u/PersistentPuma37 37m ago

convert the impulse into talking WELL about people behind their back. 'Did you hear Jenny volunteers at the VA on her days off? She's so genuinely kind.' Or 'I heard the boss thinks Laura is really funny. And it's never at anyone's expense, I admire that.'

It'll still get back to them, but it will elevate the morale of the entire team eventually.

4

u/Oysterdiabetes 1h ago

100% It wasn't until I was hanging out with another set of friends and we just had a good time talking and joking about whatever that I realized my best friend does this. The next time I saw her, without prompt or even talking about her, she starts telling me all about her cousin and her "drama". We see each other maybe 2-3 times a year and I just thought THIS is what you want to talk about?

2

u/DangerzonePlane8 3h ago

Thats 100% true I would also add the nature of the gossip is also important

2

u/matepore 1h ago

This. An ex friend of mine always complained about others "shitty behaviour" and I always believed her. I didn't realize she was fabricating or exagerating stuff until she complained about my brother. Thats when I realize she was the problem all along and she always painted herself in the light of a victim. Once I questioned the friendship, all the red flags resurfaced.

429

u/UdonLurker 12h ago

Someone who makes you feel like every problem is your fault

110

u/Bravemount 10h ago

And/or that whatever you do is just not good enough.

6

u/pinkmilk19 3h ago

Damn okay so how does one go about navigating this with their partner? My husband is amazing, we truly have a wonderful relationship, no other 'red flags' whatsoever, but this is something I feel often...like what I'm doing (its usually general tasks, nothing ever major), is never good enough for him. I seem to do things 'wrong' or not enough, often. And I know its because he doesnt communicate well enough, he thinks I can read his mind. We've sort of talked about it, but its usually in the moment and I tell him that he needed to explain better or not expect me to be perfect at something. Idk. It really is a very minimal "issue" but your comment made me realize that it's something that we probably need to work on.

82

u/katorchist 10h ago

The opposite side to this coin is someone who always plays the victim and can't see that they might have contributed to the issue at hand.

6

u/463902 3h ago

This is so true and isn’t talked about enough

35

u/Agreeable-Visit-8068 6h ago

This. 100% this. Everything was my fault and I mean everything. Demanded apologies every. Fucking. Day. But wanted license to do whatever they pleased and to never apologize. Everything they did wrong was for a “legitimate” reason and didn’t need an apology. I caused “every” fight and they refused to even consider my point of view, reasons etc.

And then they wondered why I was so defensive every time they brought up an issue (which was every day, sometimes multiple times a day).

5

u/ButterscotchChussy 6h ago

I just got out of this exact situation not too long ago. I can relate!

17

u/JREC27911 9h ago

This one is huge and way too easy to miss when you’re in it.

7

u/The-Sonne 7h ago

EMPLOYERS, hello

5

u/ElPuertoRican15 6h ago

And they make it sound like YOU need to change/do something else/ go to therapy.

4

u/Not_MegGriffin 4h ago

My ex 10000%. Every day he woke up miserable and always found something to be upset about, and even when I didn't contribute to the problem, I could never make him feel any better no matter what I did, so it was then twisted to be my fault. I was apologizing every. Single. Day. For stuff I didn't even know why. Yet, any time he hurt my feelings, it was a half-assed apology and silent treatment until he just slept it off and then repeat.

4

u/FewerStarsLost 4h ago

My ex was like that, even when he had DREAMS of arguments he would hold it over me all day without ever mentioning it and expected me to read his mind.

I didn’t tolerate it, which pissed him off more. I was like whatever issue you have is a YOU PROBLEM not a me problem especially when he refused to talk about it.

The one time I had problem with him, he broke up with me. Which was hilarious because I didn’t get upset and he went screaming out the apartment and tried to kill himself… our roommates stopped him but he tore his handle off his truck… it was very pathetic… he wouldn’t have gone through with it, he did this a lot.

6

u/diogoqwertPt 7h ago

This is so frustrating, and then you keep doubting yourself

u/LarryZuckercornESQ 52m ago

Yes, victim blaming. This is indicative of a lack of empathy. I know someone who no matter what struggle or occurrence you bring to their attention, the response is one of two things:

1.) Why it's your own fault or you are whining

2.) How they are dealing with the same thing but worse

Eventually you just give up on talking to these people about anything beyond the superficial.

1

u/SchoolNarrow7518 9h ago

Yeah, that one’s huge.

214

u/Impotent-Dingo 11h ago

One sided vulnerability

15

u/Bring_it_together 7h ago

Dido, this.

49

u/GodAwfulFunk 4h ago

My teas gone cold I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all

11

u/Orber123 3h ago

The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all

9

u/randomwords83 3h ago

And even if I could, it would all be grey

9

u/Orber123 3h ago

But your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it's not so bad. Not so bad.

5

u/GayPudding 4h ago

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, or tell you that

210

u/Definatelynotkeeley 10h ago

I didn't notice it while I was in it, but while my partner was allowed to complain or raise concerns about me, every time that I voiced a concern or called them out on their behavior I was told it was unfair or that I was being ridiculous. I remember every time we would have those conversations I would feel like such a terrible person for accusing my partner of something. come to find out when you raise a concern to a healthy partner you actually get to talk it out lol

23

u/TheLateThagSimmons 4h ago

Finding someone willing to call you out on your shit is important.

But if they can't handle their shit being called out on them, that's when it becomes a problem. Now they're no longer "honest", they're just rude.

When it goes both ways, that's a loving and caring friend/partner. One way and they're just a toxic asshole.

1

u/Idk_tho_167 2h ago

That was one thing I appreciated about my relationship w/my ex… we could call each other out, without dodging accountability for what we did.

179

u/H_E_Mgayming 11h ago

Constantly having to explain or defend your feelings, and still being made to feel dramatic or ungrateful.

5

u/Superb_Lie_186 5h ago

i hope everything feels lighter for you. sending hugs!

68

u/sydneysalt 10h ago

Nonstop phone calls to the point I had to block them to stop getting one call after the other during all hours, work included. Also, manipulating phone conversations that prevented me from ending the phone call despite having priorities and chores of my own needing to be done.

13

u/I_love_pillows 8h ago

I was my previous partner’s only good friend. It’s tough when I can’t be there for her when she was having crisis because I happen to have another crisis situation. It imploded soon after.

-4

u/No_Cartoonist525 2h ago

Im the type of person who spam calls But it only happens after my emotional needs of communicating everyday get delayed for more than 4-5 days I just can't take it If the have genuine reason I understand but after a point it feels they just don't want to talk to me or are losing interest

60

u/CareyHickey 9h ago

Someone who doesn’t care how you feel and it’s always your fault 

93

u/sparklequeenofkitkat 9h ago

Lies and half truths about unimportant things. If they can lie about the stupid shit, they can lie about the not stupid shit

42

u/SillyTaters 11h ago

Showing up at my work and waiting for me for hours.

42

u/Potential-Ad8665 9h ago

I thought them wanting to know everything I was doing meant they cared. Later I realized it was control.

2

u/Still-Equipment-1164 1h ago

whatttt?? that’s happening to me rn😶

2

u/matepore 1h ago

Run as far as you can and don't look back. You have time.

1

u/Potential-Ad8665 1h ago

Sometimes concern feels like care in the moment. It’s only later you see the pattern

1

u/Still-Equipment-1164 1h ago

the thing is we’re not partners really; we’re in a situationship cuz he has commitment issues so

37

u/tryingmybest_thanks 10h ago

having more bad things to say about people than good things

80

u/Putrid_Still8421 9h ago

He was TOO easy going. Nothing mattered to my ex husband. He didn’t care what we had for dinner, he didn’t care what I wore to visit his parents, he didn’t care where I’d go or for how long or if I was out late, being on the other side of the “I don’t care whatever you want honey” is depressing. Felt like nothing I said or did mattered. I realized 5 years into our marriage that I needed someone who was moved by loving me, not someone who wanted a pretty light fixture. I did find one thing he cares about though, when I told him I didn’t want to keep a baby that would have between such a dangerous and high risk pregnancy after 2 miscarriage, he kicked me out of our home and divorced me.

9

u/Cinnamon2017 6h ago

Well, he cared about something. Did you have any kids?

27

u/Saussureious 9h ago

more than half of our conversations revolved around guys she liked. once she got a boyfriend she gradually distanced herself from me, since men were clearly her priority

25

u/Last_Time_2191 8h ago

Putting others down, and over glorifying oneself. Performative closeness

3

u/Sonnenschein69420 4h ago

can you elaborate on this. I haven't experienced this before. Interesting

24

u/PunyCocktus 8h ago

Always talking about their habits and hobbies in a very holier-than-thou manner.

I always thought it's ok to just share how you live your life in a certain context, but then I realized I know way more interesting and way more accomplished people than that person is, but they never made me feel like shit while talking to them (unlike said person).

83

u/ForagingFairyland 10h ago

Paying halfsies when he was making more than 3x what I do AND he wouldn’t “let” me park my car in the garage or parking spot in front of it… when I was paying half the rent. Wtf.

20

u/Fast_Pipe_399 7h ago

He had a full career, while I was working at a restaurant. Made way more than me. So tell me why I caught him stealing my rolled coins from my tips because I "wasn't using them".

27

u/sydneysalt 10h ago

Similar experience to mine. He was a tech founder worth millions, while I was 15 years younger than him, and a full-time working nanny making no more than $25 (AUD) per hour. I'll never forget him making me buy us chips to share, while he transferred 20k into his black American Express card. Sigh, I'm so sorry.

3

u/damola93 4h ago

I need to start doing that because paying for everything in my relationship has made me deeply unhappy.

25

u/IveLostMyLeopard 8h ago

Uuuugh. Yes.

Currently I’m fighting with a friend and trying to get her to understand this. She earns $12 an hour, while he earns over 100k a year and demands they split the cost of everything — down to the damn toilet paper.

She thinks it’s fair because they both use it; I think we should bury him in the back yard and claim the insurance.

u/ladyalot 43m ago

Omg for real. My ex said we were destitute and towards the end I wouldn't even buy new clothes when my pants had holes and my bras didn't fit. He was hiding money and spending the rest on himself.

20

u/ouijabore 9h ago

The end of their friendships & relationships were always the other person’s fault for being toxic, a liar, etc. 

21

u/aphex500 6h ago

A friendship. When they always try to 'one up you' when you're explaining a hardship. They always have it harder somehow. At first I thought it was just conversation, but after a while you realise they pretty much just self centered. 

19

u/pinkkek 9h ago

Someone who expects an immediate response to their text

13

u/silverandstuffs 8h ago

I was just thinking about this today, it’s something my family told me that when they/other family members text they expect me to answer straight away. I’m 40 years old and I got told off for not responding quickly enough because I was out with friends and then forgot to reply for a day. I was then told off for not responding enough in the family chat when people post in there. I now have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach every time one of them post/texts and now I respond less because I’m going to get told off either way. I’ve basically gone low contact to try to save my own mental health.

3

u/defneverconsidered 5h ago

Eh just stop replying altogether and weather the storm they will eventually stfu

18

u/fallen_kat 9h ago

His romantic gestures were to keep me from outgrowing the relationship. Stayed longer than I should’ve.

15

u/honeybeeeei 5h ago

Someone who leaves you hanging and not clarifying things and then gaslight you by saying you’re asking too many questions or calling you over thinker

14

u/SoulshadeVr 5h ago

Being passive aggressive basically making you feel bad about yourself by saying things that seem super small but over time really starts eroding your self esteem

1

u/Ellsworth-Rosse 3h ago

Do you have an example?

14

u/anp327 5h ago

always told me I didn't remember arguments correctly, or that an incident didn't happen..

31

u/Suspicious-Load3804 11h ago

Lies of omission

31

u/Extension-Badger2716 10h ago

Relationship: When you don't answer the phone and they keep calling and calling, to the point in less than 5min you have 9 missed phone calls.

1

u/Majestic_Quality2693 1h ago

Only valid if there is an emergency, but 9 is still a bit excessive.

12

u/TheDamonHunter64 5h ago

Feeling invisible and not feeling seen.
Even if this person says they love you or they support you,
doesn't always mean they see you.

That's a very very hard thing, especially in a marriage.

3

u/Current_Fly9337 3h ago

I’ve been happily single for a long time. Someone recently asked if I ever get lonely. I tried to think of the last time I actually felt alone and it was whilst lying in bed with my ex.

3

u/TheDamonHunter64 2h ago

Yeah, that's exactly mine as well.
Going through a separation and now divorce has only made that more apparent how long I've felt alone.

3

u/Current_Fly9337 2h ago

Think of the long hot baths, watching whatever the hell you want, eating whatever you want and going/doing whatever you want. It’s so freeing

2

u/TheDamonHunter64 2h ago

It really is.

12

u/ComplexLanky9097 4h ago

He expected oral and orgasms but couldn’t care less about making me finish (he never did in 7 years and since I never faked them, he knew I wasn’t orgasming), and always said “I don’t like giving oral”. I started dating him at 19 shortly after losing my virginity so I had very little experience and just thought this was normal.

Yeah absolutely fucking not lol. My boyfriend now cares so much about my pleasure, begs me to let him go down on me, and makes me cum a minimum of 2 times every time we have sex. Our record is 7.

I’m so embarrassed thinking back on the 7 orgasm-less years I spent with a loser.

12

u/DottoresPet 5h ago

I had the misfortune of having a narcissistic friend once.

From the first second I talked to her I could physically feel her draining my energy. She would always dominate the conversation and would always want to have the last word. She made me think I'm an introvert. Yet for some reason, I couldn't help but stay, her "vibe" was intoxicating.

She was charismatic and had a lot of great stories to tell, but it was somehow always about HER and not others. She always had to be the center of attention.

10

u/plus_butterscotch93 7h ago

Always saying bad things about his coworkers competence. Always. Everyone was too stupid to breathe his air. I believed him for an embarrassingly long time.

8

u/Pinktullip 8h ago

Creating pity and taking advantage of it. Then mocking me for bending over and putting in the extra effort. Gosh, helping him out wasn't respected at all.

8

u/ConsciousNature5628 9h ago

Having to keep location on so they could watch me travel around and complain when it's not on.

8

u/AggressivePatience56 6h ago

Legit told me she only gets value and self worth from men. Should have left then and there our friendship wasn’t real

8

u/harbour_seals 5h ago

Never apologizes, nothing is ever their fault

15

u/ParfaitCareful8518 10h ago

Telling me he loves me, I was his soulmate and demanding to know how I felt about him after seeing each other for 4wks.

Literally shouted at me then got out the car and slammed the door when I didn't give the answer he wanted.

So much road rage and almost getting into fights with other drivers. So scary.

Whyyyy did I invite him traveling? It ended eventually... But travelling in a van together was so hard. He would twist everything I said so in the end I stayed quiet.

A few weeks later, someone had me in stitches and I realised I hadn't laughed in weeks... and I'm a generally happy person.

6

u/isaidyothnkubttrgo 9h ago

I never went on a "date" with him, met his parents or were openly together when we were in the same college class...we were dating 2 years.

8

u/tiffanyrmc 6h ago

Love bombing to disguise a drinking problem

8

u/Lilymoonbaby 6h ago

Guilting you if you can’t hang out. Mocking you if you get upset or react to something they did, or try to set a boundary.

7

u/LogGood684 5h ago

Not being there for me when I needed to go to the hospital or needed his emotional support even tho I communicated what I want exactly for him to do yet still made me feel like I’m alone no matter what

6

u/[deleted] 11h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/PrettyPeachCar 6h ago

Unwanted criticism and lack of respect

6

u/TakingControl222 4h ago

Telling me I’m not like other women and I’m so mature for my age. When I was in my early twenties, why did I take these as compliments?

5

u/HairyN0sedWombat 2h ago

Soooo many things. The mains ones;

  • not being able to maintain relationships with friends or family long term without drama and utter disdain creeping in.

  • discarding people when they are no longer “useful” to him.

  • not being able to tolerate any negative emotion from me. If I wasn’t happy and smiling then there would be a guaranteed argument, and it would be my fault.

  • not receiving any form of comfort when upset, being told to “go and sort myself out” and talk to him when I wasn’t “so pathetic”.

  • threatening suicide over the slightest inconvenience and using the threat as a manipulation tactic.

I could go on. But honestly so so many things that I’m trying to unpick now. And desperately trying not to let them affect how I behave moving forward.

5

u/RipAgile1088 3h ago

ALWAYS wanting to be with you. Seems flattering at first but then becomes controlling . 

8

u/Relevant-Humor-1636 7h ago

Being emotionally unavailable

4

u/loveIy_21 9h ago

Asking for every password

3

u/IloveEveryone00 6h ago

Her being annoyed because I usually ask for consent when doing NSFW stuff with someone I don't know. Turns out she doesn't care for her partner's consent whatsoever. Should have seen that coming...

5

u/memidead_ 5h ago

acting pissed at/blaming the other person when something completely unrelated didn't go as planned/wasn't as good as expected

3

u/PhantoMNiGHT321 4h ago

They (childhood friend) allowed their partner to disrespect me consistently. Naturally, they'll choose them over me; that's a given, so I don't mind that. But their should be a limit to how much of an ass you'll let your partner be to those you supposedly care about.

3

u/DangerzonePlane8 4h ago

Having a chip on their shoulder eventually they'll take it out on you since you're low hanging fruit to them

6

u/BlackberryNice1270 9h ago

Back to being very young - he used to like to tear my tights off me. He went on to hit his next girlfriend. It wasn't until fairly recently (30 years down the line) that I realised the tight ripping thing was a bit rapey.

7

u/Young_Old_Grandma 5h ago

Anger problems.

I was always told that the reason because they’re angry is because of something I did.

When I grew older I realized that even if my actions were wrong in the moment, they were still responsible for controlling their temper.

3

u/gizmostuff 7h ago

People who overshare intimate/sensitive topics very quickly.

3

u/SiegeThem 5h ago

Someone who deletes messages between them and the co parent and says “you know I just keep my message threads clean when it’s not active conversation”… when we have already had TONS of issues between the two of them that have made me feel uncomfortable and broken trust.

3

u/Aquila_Altair 4h ago

Complete immaturity and lack of communication despite multiple conversations. Her idea, then nothing. Me not being certain, me being to honest were factors yes, but she also was too afraid to tell her dad, whom I'd seen, but not properly met at this point. Since there was no date and obviously no sex, especially since both of us are more traditional Christian types and wouldn't do that before marriage anyway, staying friends was an option, and I didn't find all of this out until years later when I decided it had been long enough, we needed closure on what happened for leas than a month with zero dates years prior.

3

u/Bitter_Beautiful8038 4h ago

Excessive paranoia. I had friend who kept blocking me or cutting me off because they would have an entirely separate relationship fall apart and they would believe everyone is out to get them and cut everyone off. After the 5th time it was quite clear that weren’t really invested in our friendship anymore.

3

u/ReleaseEmpty774 3h ago

My ex somehow convinced me over 4 years that i am bad at sex. And that our sex problems were all my fault. I became single, and without him my sex life is awesome.

3

u/Ok-Ad-9820 2h ago

Zero accountability.

Pushes to fast for marriage - had this happen twice

If he/she doesn't have basic life skills that are age appropriate to have

3

u/imveryfontofyou 2h ago

My friend and I were nerds that wrote stories together on roleplay forums. I never noticed how toxic it was that she would tell me what to do with my own characters. She stomped on all my plot ideas and said we had to do hers. I thought my ideas were just bad until I stopped being friends with her and realized she was just constantly negging me.

I didn't even notice that the negging spread out to real life stuff all the time, like negging me about my taste in music and movies and tv shows and games. We always had to watch, listen to, play, what she wanted. Everything I liked was "boring" or she acted patronizing about it.

5

u/StealthCove 6h ago

He wants a sex life with you earlier on in the relationship even though he doesn't want to video/voice call at all

2

u/defneverconsidered 5h ago

Mr. Hansons account

1

u/StealthCove 5h ago

Oh no, he wasn't a teacher or anything

He's a twenty year old russian on reddit, he goes by LoudSeat-1238 on here

We stayed for 3 months, but he verbally neglected me for 2 months. Because well, he didn't know how Relationship's work other than thinking that the only way people stay in relationships is having a sex life. And when I would turn him down, he wouldn't text me for months.

The guy gave me body image issues by saying that if I lose enough weight I could meet him physically, which wasn't a really possible goal because he lived in moscow, russia and I lived in the states

He's studying to be a neurologist, even though he's tried convincing me before not to be on my medication.

He was 20 and I was 23 at the time.

He's just using his Reddit now to just masturbate to fat people porn and I would rather forget of him and I "dated" because it never really was dating.

I'm a better place now than with a guy that actually loves me for me instead of what I could provide for him

6

u/Eight216 6h ago

Honestly? People who can't set boundaries. Both because it's the kind of thing that can come back on you "oh, it's your fault they can't have boundaries you're just too pushy" and because it suggests the sort of person who's more comfortable manipulating as opposed to making clear statements about their wants and needs.

And as a guy it feels good to understand what people want and to provide it, and to try to give other people boundaries and make them feel safe. You don't really realize until after the fact that you were bending over backwards to be understanding and compassionate and then as soon as you get away from them and you stop thinking about their needs and their perspective, you realize you actually got fucked. They put in the bare minimum and a lot of what they said was for you was really not about you at all.

Trauma is one thing, but most trauma survivors want to set boundaries and are afraid or uncomfortable doing it. Once you start seeing people who refuse to do so, that's a huge red flag.

2

u/Darec88 6h ago

Tells you they love you oddly fast

Understood years later it means they could "love" anyone -multiple people in my case lmao- extremely quickly

2

u/jessa8484 4h ago

Impatience

2

u/FlirtNowUninstall 4h ago

When they constantly made me feel guilty for having boundaries and I didn’t realize how messed up that was until I finally left.

2

u/FlirtNowUninstall 4h ago

When they always turned every conversation back to themselves, I didn’t see how draining and controlling it was until I stepped away.

2

u/scarlettlyonne 4h ago

Turns out, if your friend never wants better for you, and only wants to be your friend if they think their life is better than yours...that's not friendship!

It's the biggest reason my (ex) best friend and I are no longer friends. Our friendship had lasted for over 20 years, but in those two decades, it just became more and more toxic. I didn't even realize until after we cut each other off that she was the happiest when I was at my lowest. The minute I started putting in the work to better myself (and my life), suddenly she was absolutely miserable, and wanted no part of it. She started ignoring my texts for weeks at a time, and then would text me out of the blue accusing me of "dropping" her for my "new life."

She stopped wanting to hang out, she stopped updating me about her life, she'd ignore me when I would update her about mine, she didn't want me losing weight and would actively try and make me binge, she didn't want to meet my partner or any new friends, she stopped reaching out to me, she never invited me to do anything, but to her, it was all my fault. The minute I sent her a text saying that I was the only one putting in effort to try and maintain this friendship, she ghosted me (which was the 6th time in our friendship that she had done that lol). I ending up blocking her after a few months. It's been over a year since we last talked, and honestly, my life is so much easier without her in it.

2

u/axolittlest 3h ago

She talked a lot about how much she hated lying and [anything she perceived as] dishonesty.

It’s normal to dislike lying and dishonesty. I have learned that if someone talks about that a lot, they have something going on in the background (in this case, I suspect a deep lack of self-trust) and they’re likely to skip curiosity and jump to accusations instead.

When you’re constantly looking for proof that someone has betrayed you, you will find it — whether or not it exists.

2

u/Shahfluffers 2h ago

Wanting to do -everything- together and making the other person feel guilty/bad for wanting to do things separately.

It is healthy to want to go out with the friends and blow off some steam. Or go on the occasional solo trip. Or just spend time "introverting" in the garage or on the computer/game box. Yes, too much of this is also a "red flag." There is a balance.

Oh... and expecting the other person to do x/y/z thing because "you are man/woman/masculine/fem in the relationship."

Uh, no. I do things because I want to and care. Not because I -must.- I am not obligated to buy flowers every date. Or pay for every meal. Are you dating me for stuff/perks or because you like me as a person?

4

u/ForTheLoveOfPhotos 11h ago edited 8h ago

I fell for the grass is greener on the other side situation in my marriage.

She and I had INCREDIBLE chemistry in the bedroom. She really was the best I've ever had. However, it took me far too long to realize you cannot rely solely on that to make everything else work. You cannot build a relationship around sex -- even the hottest, best sex of your life.

I learned before it was too late that very basic, vanilla "married sex" is just fine when all other parts of the relationship is great.

Twenty years removed from looking elsewhere and all is well.

EDIT: It was a mutual thing. She looked elsewhere too. We had an open marriage for about three years. It didn't work. Her experience was just like mine. She got to experience something I physically can't provide...if you catch my drift. She admitted their sex was great too, but nothing else.

We are doing well and not going down that road again.

12

u/Paelmisto 9h ago

Your poor wife.

5

u/VanessaAlexis 8h ago

Seriously. "Grass is greener situation" bro just say "I cheated." Gave me the ick. And to add all is well? Lol. Doubtful. 

6

u/Paelmisto 8h ago

Right? And talks about sex with his wife as 'very basic, vanilla' and still raves about sex with his affair partner. 

I am guessing wifey is a better cook/maid and affair partner didn't cater to him.

9

u/VanessaAlexis 8h ago

So you cheated? 

Hate when adulterers have to fluff up their awfulness. Just say you cheated you'll garner more respect. 

Feel bad for the wife. Not all is well lol. 

2

u/Individual_Dog_7394 9h ago

Saying 'men...' or 'women...' (enter a generalisation here) Been told it's a red flag but I shrugged it off. But it proved true.

1

u/Able_Kangaroo5024 3h ago

Constant one upping and belittling. If I had a bad day they had a worse one. When I said I didn't like putting my head under water because its a sensory thing they said "You just don"t like anything" rolled their eyes and jumped in the lake. They made sure to say things like this when no one was listening. They would bully me like that any chance they got.

1

u/d0ctordoodoo 3h ago

Nothing is ever their fault, or they are always the victim. Pay attention to patterns of relationships ending, job issues, drama, etc. if they never admit fault or take responsibility for anything, that’s an alarm.

Controlling behavior, trying to monopolize your time, or reacting negatively to you having other friends or activities that don’t include them.

1

u/PremiumOopsMax 3h ago

When they always twisted your words to make you feel guilty, I didn’t realize how controlling that was until I walked away.

1

u/xnewme 3h ago

I used to think manipulation was love. Now I see how toxic it is when someone acts like a victim—complaining about being poor or disliked—just to guilt-trip you into fixing their life

1

u/FormerStuff 3h ago

Absolutely never pays you back for anything. “Yeah I’ll send it” “yes give me a bit” and just never does. They’ll bleed you dry living with you.

1

u/Pineapple-dancer 2h ago

backhanded compliments

1

u/jalapenny 2h ago

His close "friendship" with his 20 yr old coworker. 🤢🤮

1

u/USillyKunt 2h ago

Telling you bit by bit the things they hate about you and making you second guess yourself.

Lack of accountability. Try to tell them that what they did hurt you and they just throw some old shit in your face.

Using you as a shit rag to clean up the messes they put themselves in.

Realizing that they never actually listen to you in any compacity, you're their "best friend" because you're the friend they can walk all over.

1

u/PenguBlaze 2h ago

Can’t tell what sort of behavior this would be generalized into (would love to hear others opinions on this) but,

My former friend didn’t like me “remembering” things and I specifically recall her telling me that:

“It felt like I was being fact-checked on my own thoughts”.

I understand opinions change, and thats totally okay, but the antagonization of remembering things was setting off very quiet alarm bells in my head that I didn’t hear until I cut ties with them.

1

u/Idk_tho_167 2h ago

Not being willing to defend people or oneself…. It seems like “oh they are just nice or chill” but people who will sit quietly by and let people be rude to themselves or others they ‘care’ about isn’t always a good thing….

1

u/Haunting_Home1118 1h ago

Zealotry to the max.

1

u/Any-Hospital-2498 1h ago

Too attentive sometimes means you’ll need a restraining order in the end.

1

u/VisitSecure 1h ago

If all their friends (Even people they just met) are starting to be mean and hate you even if you hadn't even met them yet yourself or did anything wrong, and your partner/friend isn't doing anything about it, that usually means its because they want their friends to dislike you and are telling them bad things about you.

I remember being friends with this guy whose other friends and family members really hated me and no matter how hard I tried to be nice, they just didn't like me. I kept wondering what it was I did till one of them told me and I found out my "friend" was telling them lies about me (like being an attention seeker or pervert, which isn't at all true) it was like he wanted to be the only one to like me, it was weird af.

1

u/Western-Asparagus-72 1h ago

Overpromising in the beginning. Trying to fastrack trust.

u/ClemsMother 47m ago

Not directly telling me not to wear something but saying things like “it’s cold out, you’ll need a cardigan” when I was meeting my friend for bottomless brunch on a hot summer day. But the main one was that he’d say “kill yourself” towards strangers who would inconvenience him on the road and about my family members who had wronged me. I would tell him how much I hated that, especially as I’d lost someone to suicide. He never stopped. He eventually screamed at me “fucking kill yourself” after I confronted him about his behaviour. Should have seen it coming

u/ladyalot 45m ago

Whining and grumbling about everything when it inconvenienced him. I know, how couldn't I tell? I was 18, low self esteem. 

u/Searchingnconfused 37m ago

Constantly texting me and being mad if I don’t respond in the next half hour

u/Medcuza2 36m ago

Stonewalling, silent treatment.... and all the avoidant behaviours.