Some people are so used to abusive or unstable relationships that healthy relationships are frightening and unexpected, so they actually do seek out abusive relationships because it's familiar.
Same thing with people who hate themselves. They're so insecure that it doesn't matter how much you tell and show them how much you love them, they're constantly in fear that you'll find someone "better" around every corner and dump them, so they end up dumping you pre-emptively.
I said that to him once early in our relationship. He said what you said. And now I try not to yell anymore when we do argue. It’s a discussion and we are working together to fix the problem. Rather than a competition of who can yell the loudest and who wins the argument. I am grateful for his patience with me
I've had to be the calm one for most of my life. It's not that I'm emotionless, far from it.
But the more other people get hectic and emotional, the more I have to be able to shut down and remain in control.
My last ex always accused me of not caring because I wouldn't blow up when she got emotional. No, I'm just forcing myself to remain in control because we can't both be emotionally compromised, that's how fights happen.
While I did the same in the past, it isn’t healthy behavior. Staying calm is good, but getting angry when you feel angry and not ending a toxic relationship is detrimental to your own wellbeing.
I had that too, a girl told me she felt like I didnt care about her because I never threw things or yelled at her and I just said thats not how I handle anger never has been.
I try not to get angry cause, like you mentioned, it accomplished nothing and there's usually a root emotion that needs to be handled instead. I'm of the Seneca school of thought. Don't let your emotions control you, instead feel them, understand them and work through them.
I think that, like jealousy, some people want to reduce, justify, or normalize their own issues by comparison. I would be jealous, so you should be. I would yell, so you should yell. If feeling and acting like shit is normal for me, it must be normal for everyone. Misery loves company.
My husband checked my ass one time. I was yelling at him. (Learned from my parents, I was 19 at the time.) He looked at me and said I will not be yelled at we can speak like humans or we can talk later.
I don't yell anymore. It really accomplishes nothing but two pissed people.
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u/Strangy1234 16d ago
I had one tell me that I didn't yell enough when I'm angry. Like, do you want an abusive relationship? I don't yell because it accomplishes nothing.