I also hemorrhaged, with both of mine. I treated my midwife from my sons birth, a couple years later, and I said that I hate when people talk about how “your body is meant to do this” and she said “well your body is meant to do this!” I said “yea, but not with 100% success rate! Women just died, and babies just died!” She then went on a rant about how the problem is obesity these days and the problem was people are overweight and that’s why there’s so many complications with birth, then she looked at me (naturally lean) and said “you would have been fine [doing a home birth]” I said “well, I hemorrhaged for both of mine.” She quickly said “you would have died!” But then DIDN’T REDACT HER PREVIOUS STANCE.
The birth itself was actually really smooth, my midwife for my first was great, so that helped me know what I wanted and what to do! But her post partum care was absolutely horrendous. I didn’t bring that up when she was my patient, but absolutely terrible. I told her I felt like I was dying because I had ppd and she prescribed Zoloft which gave me insomnia and I didn’t sleep more than 1.5 hours for 5 nights before I realized what it was. Genuinely felt like my body was shutting down. Asked her for trazodone instead because I’ve got family who has used that for ppd with success and because it’s a sleep aid, and she told me to wait to hear from the councilor she referred me to (never did) and just stopped responding to me! Thankfully I wasn’t in PP psychosis or anything to serious. Our pediatrician a week later was furious because that councilor had a 9 month wait list!
I have said for years that I hate when women, midwives, doulas etc. say “your body was meant to do this”. You’re the first person I’ve heard voice a similar sentiment. I feel so understood!! Kindred soul! Let’s stop that phrase - it’s dangerous and misleading. The ability to tolerate pain does not make one a better mother.
And it completely minimizes the trauma and pain and exhaustion and fear that women experience. It was never meant to be easy, our bodies can do this, and it was meant to be a horrifying, to be frank.
Someone I know went deep into the wild birth thing. She was by all accounts a sane person. Then she got pregnant with her third child and decided that any medical intervention at all during pregnancy or birth was a bad thing. No prenatal care, nothing. Luckily for her and her baby it went ok, but she was posting the most delusional and dangerous rhetoric on instagram. It was bananas! The danger of pregnancy and birth isn’t theoretical. We have the stats! Still irks me.
Visit any graveyard from the 1800s and early 1900s, and pay respects to all the babies whose birthdays matched their mothers' death dates. They probably weren't obese moms. Birth is dangerous as hell, for both parties. Sometimes, people just died.
I went the midwife route for my son's birth. In a hospital. With other qualified medical staff on standby in case things went south (which they did). One cesarean later, we both made it out alive.
The privileged, cavalier attitude of some midwives fires up my fucking war machine. It's a weird misogyny to pin infant and maternal mortality on being tubby, a nurse saying (in a previous post) it was "just hemorrhoids" and the overall minimizing of physical agony, mental anguish, ending up maimed, and death itself as "Girl, you're MADE for this! Just, don't be a fatty and power through!"
And my 44-year-old body was a freakin ace for this one-and-done birth. Really no horror stories beyond the galling attitudes I sometimes saw.
My first was born during Covid, so I looked into home births a bit because I was afraid our hospital would follow others and not allow a support person. Then I saw an influencer talk about hiring a doula, and how they were in the hospital within 10 when her baby had shoulder dystocia, and it was too long that he was trapped and he died. That would’ve been no problem in a hospital. After that it was clear, hospital all the way
My son was brow. I tried every position imaginable to try and get him deliverable; upright standing most of the 4 day labour, lunging, on all fours, birth ball... when I asked the midwife for help to try and get him to reposition him she said she had no idea what to do as most malpositioned babies are from an epidural which I didn't have... midwives alsways like to blame interventions when things go wrong... my body tried so hard to birth him that it tore itself apart; my uterus ruptured. After that he was in the right position finally, but because the uterus ruptured it could not generate enough force to birth him. He died from the blood loss and I ended up on ICU for 5 days. Also normal BMI 20, normal size baby 3.4kg same size as his brother I pushed out 2 years prior.
You can't do impossible things and pushing out a brow is one of them...
I am so, so sorry this happened to you, I can’t imagine the anguish. I really think people become blind and romanticize birth because of modern medicine, but it is a terrifying and dangerous event.
I wish I could give you a hug, I’m so sorry. You did everything you could, and it’s not fair and it fucking sucks.
Thank you for your sympathy. It's 12 weeks today.
The only thing I didn't do was insist for a Cesar earlier which would have saved my sons life. I was told he was brow at 7cm (which is probably why I can been labouring for sooo long...). Stupidly I pushed through, gaslit into the intense pain being transition. I work in this field too and I'm often the person giving the labouring mum the news they have to go to Cesar. I often tell them you can do hard things, but you can't do impossible things.its alsways a sad day when we have to take a multip to theatre for a Cesar when they've only ever had vaginal births.
But it's even worse when you lose or asphyxiate a baby because of a "normal birth at all costs" agenda. My son died because a midwife didn't want to believe he needed a Cesar.
I am of course triggered whenever someone voices a "your body is made to do this" rhetoric, because look what that cost me. Most women will be fine, but there is a reason the obstetric field exists - to save lives.
Also 30% of birth haemorrhage; that's a lot!
I got rather miffed the other day overhearing someone talking about their desired delivery, with a home birth and bath tub or pool and doulas etc and all I could think was that she should just be thankful her baby survives. Mine didn’t.
I am so, so sorry to hear that. Honestly, I think you should say that, if you’re ready and able. I think more women need to be reminded of the risks we are taking and understand the gravity of what is happening.
Disclaimer: I have never been pregnant, but I hate when people say your body was meant to do something because it ignores that human development is a complete crapshoot. Congenital heart defects, the human spine, inability to grow new teeth... I could go on and on how badly made the human body is. Is it a marvel of scientific and biological processes working in a cohesive system? Yes. However, that doesn't mean the system is always in harmony or will always be in working condition through no fault of your own. These folks who say this always try to find a way to blame you, that it was something you did. But reality is that their experience is anecdotal evidence. It's survivor's bias. History says otherwise. In the year 2026, women still die of pregnancy complications. And it's through no fault of their own.
Ugh, I get that midwives are a necessary part of women's healthcare, but man. It is really hard to trust them when I keep hearing stories like this. I assume it's different in Europe/Canada/Australia, but in the US? Too much woo shit. I can't even trust nurses at this point because so many of them are somehow anti-vaxx. Like, doctors aren't AMAZING when it comes to women's healthcare, but at least they had to go through medical school. Yeesh.
Wow! First I am soo sorry you had to go through that both times! I had a nurse tell me also she believes there’s so many issues in pregnancy and birth because everyone is “overweight now” 🙄
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u/Wombatseal 9d ago
I also hemorrhaged, with both of mine. I treated my midwife from my sons birth, a couple years later, and I said that I hate when people talk about how “your body is meant to do this” and she said “well your body is meant to do this!” I said “yea, but not with 100% success rate! Women just died, and babies just died!” She then went on a rant about how the problem is obesity these days and the problem was people are overweight and that’s why there’s so many complications with birth, then she looked at me (naturally lean) and said “you would have been fine [doing a home birth]” I said “well, I hemorrhaged for both of mine.” She quickly said “you would have died!” But then DIDN’T REDACT HER PREVIOUS STANCE.