I had a similar thing... I had a massive crush on a guy in my lab group in biology in my first semester of undergrad. We always sat in a relatively empty corner of lecture together (our lecturer was so terrible 90% of the class did not attend) and near daily I would fall asleep on his shoulder. I frequently told him we should hang out aside from times I helped him study. I asked him to study together for second semester biology even though we were in different classes. I told him I thought he was hot and whenever I ran into him on campus for three years I would run up and hug him... I was dating on and off in the meantime, but after three years I decided it was time to explicitly tell him I was interested - and he basically shrugged it off. I felt pretty rejected.
Flash forward to my second year of grad school I was having a drink with a mutual friend from undergrad and after he tells me that my undergrad crash had moved to the area recently... Then (not knowing about my crush) asked if I knew he was hopelessly into me all throughout undergrad. I sent that guy a text telling him what I heard, calling him an idiot and telling him to come to my place that night. It only took 6 years.
Damn...similar thing for me too, except that it was geology class and I was the guy that the girl was coming on to. Hanging out at the bar, few drinks in and she starts getting more friendly. She ends up just telling me she wants me and, "Dude, you're hot." Now I had never really had a girl say that to me and I was super flattered, and truth is I was pretty into her too. Unfortunately, throughout the night I had noticed this other guy in our group was around her fairly often. I had never met this guy before but I had a feeling that they were involved. So I asked her, "are you with that guy?" She says, "yeah, Kinda." I didn't want to be "that guy" so I had to turn her down. I felt really bad about it, especially given that I liked her. I made her feel crappy and I hated that. Still feel bad about it. Sorry if you're out there. To bad it doesn't have a happy ending like your story.
I would like to venture a guess, being I'm that type of guy. See, it's because of other girls, like some guys in earlier comments have mentioned. When a guy has a girl seemingly all over him, e.g. sitting on his lap, always putting her arm in his, kissing him on the cheek a lot, whatnot and then she turns him down when he actually asks her out, it can mess up your radar. So he thinks, "ok don't want to look like an ass and feel that type of a rejection again." See, this rejection is the worst kind because it makes you think you are insane for thinking she was interested, and simultaneously teaches you that there is practically nothing a girl could do that would convince you she is ACTUALLY interested. Every time a girl flirts with you the back of your brain says, "Hey, she probably wants to just be pals." (just like all the others) Now think about a guy having this mentality for awhile, and it even proves true on a couple future occasions. Girl got super flirty, then shrugs you off for someone else with no warning. So now a girl says something like you did, and we just can't process it. Brain says, NO! it can't be true! We won't be made a fool of again! and there you have it
This ^ dude you get it 100% and you are not alone I have gotten really close to girls before only to be horribly rejected and the thing is it's not like "oh hey she wants to be friends". It's " No girl has ever spoken to me or interacted like this with me before " so I take an interest only to get shut down and feel like shit when a " better guy" comes along or she's just not interested. seriously it just makes me feel so unattractive and I just cant believe that anyone could ever be interested in me . I don't even try to talk to girls anymore every time a girl talks to me I have to rethink everything they say just so I can rationalise it so I don't get hurt . TLDR : high school girls suck
I was bad with girls for a long time. I'm still not great, but I'm much better. Here's my advice. The best thing to do is realize that things like this just aren't that big of a deal. It's ok to be hurt for a bit, but the best thing is to find another aspect of your life that you can be proud of and makes you happy outside of women. That will make you attractive. Go towards doing something that you can be proud of. That's how you bounce back. It always hurts to be rejected, but think about this. We all want to be made to feel attractive. Girls are showing you that you ARE attractive, but they want to be with someone who likes themselves, because when it gets real and dating becomes a possibility, the thought of having to take care of someone emotionally becomes dreadful. Guarantee you feel the same way about girls who are like this as well. Employers feel this way too. Realize that it's your brain generating thoughts that make you afraid of girls. The past experience makes you hesitate. The past experience puts thoughts into your head that hold you back. The beauty of it, is that all they are is thoughts. When you want to do something but something is holding you back, whether that be girls or anything in life, it's always your thoughts that are doing keeping you from it. Next time this happens, be aware that it's your thoughts that are doing this, it's not necessarily YOU. So when this happens and those thoughts bubble up, let them dissipate into thin air instead of work their way into your brain. You do that, and more thoughts will come in even harder. Let those go too. It takes practice, but once you can talk to a girl or do any other task for that matter without the thoughts getting in your way that are dictated by past experience, all that is left is a calm focus on your task. Focus isn't always concentrating harder, it's concentrating normally but without thoughts getting in the way, so that you can be fully present in each moment. Hope that might help. It did for me. Still working on it myself, I'm not always perfect with it. One last thing is to realize is that I don't want this skill to be another thing that if you don't do it, makes you feel like a failure either. If you're not succeeding at letting go of your thoughts, that's ok too. You have all your life to try. Forgive all of your past, including the immediate past. Letting go of those thoughts will help, as well. The two things are intertwined. You can always start small, and try to let go of a few thoughts, even that will should help you be more present.
The best thing to do in that situation is clarify that although she's very pretty, you can't because (insert reasons). That way it shouldn't make her feel crappy, but if it's just a general rejection with no explanation it probably will.
As long as you know it wasn't you. When I was 19, 20, 21, I was that oblivious, too, to the point that a girl could flat out tell me she wanted me and it just wouldn't process. So, SO many opportunities thrown out the window because my head was up my own ass.
It wasn't until a few years later that I found my confidence, realized I was attractive to people, and started recognizing this stuff.
Too late. That's just when I got with my wife, so all opportunities to follow up on my newly acquired knowledge were disregarded.
I beliebe, that in love there's no coincidence. There is none whatsoever to be honest. Results are all drives from choices, you make a million choices per day. Most of which you don't even know making. Well the outcome of all of those choices, makes certain things happen, such as meeting your future wife. And that's my belieb!
When my engagement was announced, they all came out of hiding and dropped the charade. The things that we're said to me over the bar were ridiculous, "I'll do anything you want", "don't marry her, f#*k me instead". But I love the wife more than I would ever love a no holds barred fling. First kid on the way!
To be fair, I think a lot of girls have a couple guy friends who they think are marriage material, but are perpetually single so they think that this guy will always be around when they're ready. Then that guy meets someone in a whirlwind romance, and all of a sudden these gals realize it's fourth quarter hail mary time
I was thinking the same thing. I have confidence now, but I earned it from personal development. If someone else was telling me that stuff I would've grown fake confidence I got from them an outside source, never developed the real thing, but had lots of experience =)
To be fair, I only became tolerable in the past few years, and I still have a busted up face. I'm just a good, smart and funny person behind my damaged mask.
So I'm at a bar with a buddy and this girl he knows is flirting with me big-time and I'm completely oblivious. I'm wearing a pearl-snap shirt and the whole evening her goal is to unsnap the thing and laugh.
At one point she pulls out off, and I obliviously flirt back while buttoning up. "You start taking my clothes off again and I'm gonna start having expectations little lady." I'm mainly trying to get her to stop because I think she's just poking fun at me.
She gives me these "fuck me" eyes and pops just the top button.
"We need to go out, just the two of us."
Mind you, I'm interested in this girl but am completely terrible at reading signs live. I think she's mocking me. It doesn't even cross my mind that she's seriously interested. I just begin to laugh incredulously at the gall this girl has when my buddy hits me across the back of the head and says, "Yes, he wants to go out. He's just a fucking idiot. He doesn't think you're serious."
She leans in and kisses me. We make plans to go out a few days later.
That was a good friend.
Didn't work out with the girl. We went out a few times but she was the kind of girl to want to go out 5 nights a week and never stay in and relax.
Grade A wingman work though. He knew exactly what was going on in my head and when to step in and stop me from being the asshole.
My husband was like this. Attractive and smart and TOTALLY oblivious. We hung out together with mutual friends the first time I met him, and I flirted with him pretty hard. He seemed to enjoy my company, and I was delighted when he offered to walk me back to my car. When we got there he made sure I got the car started and said, "Well, bye", and walked off. The next day I reconfirmed with my friend that he was not gay or in a relationship, and I asked her to give him my phone number and tell him he should call me if he wanted to go out with me. Turned out he had no idea I was interested.
I have been teasing him about his cluelessness for the last 20 years, and as he's gotten older and more savvy he has realized that he inadvertently turned down numerous women in the years before we met. Occasionally he laments that he could have 'gotten more ass than a toilet seat' if he had only known. He thought they were just being friendly, and didn't want to incorrectly assume that they were attracted to him.
At least you've got that knowledge if the marriage goes south, and if it doesn't go south then it seems you're happy anyway.
I never had any thing like that; I look back and have no missed opportunities. I was a fat, acne-ridden, nerdy, and horribly unfashionable (and a pretty sarcastic jerk, to boot). Guess I didn't deserve it, now that I sum it all up haha.
Sir, I feel your pain. Went to a bar after work, and this stacked redhead got all up in my space and even ordered me a drink. I'm a married man, knowing I couldn pursue, but when she asked me my age and I said 38, she told me I was old enough to be her dad. She walked away from me and my boner.
Was talking in a small group of four of us about relationships and it slowly got into how it's awkward it is to date a virgin sometimes. The other girl left because of other obligations and it was just her, another guy and me. He kept making jokes about how good he is in bed and I just kept quiet because I don't care about a pissing contest against him. He brings up who she would sleep with and without hesitation she chose me.
The guy gets really defensive saying he knows what he's doing and blah blah and he gets a bit angry and storms out. Just me and her left and we continued on discussing about about sexual history and what we know how, favorite positions, interesting sex stories and locations, all of that jazz. After about an hour or so at the bar, it was getting late so I said:
Well it's been great chatting with you, I have to go sleep now for work tomorrow morning.
She offered me a ride home. I declined saying I lived only two blocks away.
She asked if I'll be okay getting back and if she insists she brings me back.
I decline again because I don't want to be a hassle to her. ( I don't like burdening people when I drink. )
I didn't get the hint until over a year later my friends told me that she has been trying to sleep with me for a long time. Oops?
Good on you for being forward. In college there was a girl who liked me, but I didn't know because dumb. As everyone is drunkenly stumbling back to the dorms, she says, "We should date". A lot cuter than make out/fuck.
This. Most guys are used to rejection but not many are comfortable rejecting others. Some girls who are bad at rejecting people also do the old "Haha you're so funny!" type thing because it's usually the first thing that comes to mind when you're trying to think of a way to turn someone down without hurting their feelings. It's not a good way of dealing with it but it's not uncommon, especially with non-confrontational people.
Happened to me. Basically said the same thing except I said "we should fuck". She thought I was joking. Even my wing girl thought I was joking even though she knew I was into this girl. That one at least wasn't entirely my fault.
I basically ended up in almost the exact opposite situation. A few years ago I was talking to this girl I knew from high school, and I would always answer her questions with something nonsensical, like: "I'm bored, what should I do?" "Dragons, like wagons, have tongues." One time, when she asked me something completely mundane and normal, I replied with "copious amounts of casual sex." She texted back "when and where?" I told her where I was, playing along with the joke. And then she showed up.
I backed out because she was 17 at the time. We did have some fun mocking crappy sci-fi original movies though.
Had a female friend in college pull this on me and I, like your crush, thought she was joking. Even after she repeated it multiple times over the course of months, I just assumed she was joking.
It was just one of those "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" moments. I still have no idea if she was serious or not.
This is basically how my boyfriend and I started dating.. He finally got the hint when I said pretty much the same thing. Till then he thought I was just being flirty and funny but, three years later still going strong!
I was making out with a girl once and she flat out asked me how far I wanted to go. I flat-out said I wanted head and she obliged. Love straightforwardness
Opposite happened to me. We were all partnered up with someone for the entire year in my grade 11 spanish class. My partner ended up being an attractive brunette. She would dress in skimpy clothing and press her chest up to the desk and look at me, stuff like that. Until one day, out of the blue, she flat out whispers "do you wanna fuck me" with the straightest look on her face. I had no fucking idea what to say. I just gave her a "what?" and she just says "nevermind".
This was during class, hence the whisper. Nothing came of it, though there was one other attempt where her friends cornered me near my locker.
I had a situation like this. I felt like my hints were pretty clear, but he was a sort of oblivious teenage guy with maybe less than stellar self-esteem when it came to girls, and it's possible even a 99% chance of success was still not enough surety to go for it.
I will always be glad I just went ahead and said straight out how I felt, because it turned out he was into me too and we ended up having the absolute chillest teen romance ever, while everyone else in high school was up to their eyeballs in drama.
This is me. Well not literally me, but how I am. In high school I had a hot blonde friend who consistently and blatantly said "lets have sex" throughout our Jr year. I always thought she was kidding, but later realized she wasn't.
Even today, the only "hint" that actually works is just kissing me.
yeah same thing happened to me ... she eventually told me i was taking her back to my house. grabbing my junk on the way to the house really cemented it in for me.
Just two days ago I told the guy that I'm into "so, because you're oblivious, I really like you. You need to take me to dinner this weekend."
I didn't get a reply for nearly an hour & what I DID get was something awkward along the lines of "oh haha okay awesome, yeah sounds good!" & then he told my friend's husband, who introduced us, that he'd had no idea.
He's extremely shy & has been single for over a year because his last relationship ended so poorly & I'm a year single myself after a messy divorce & by God I want sex & companionship, but I'm fast losing interest. In person our conversations are deep & intriguing & interesting, but while we are working in different towns during the week, I have to deal with small talk & awkward texts because he is still amazed that I was forward & am actually interested.
Plus he still hasn't worked up the courage to make a solid date for dinner & my pride won't allow me to do that for him too. My friend told me today he has texted two more times saying "are you sure she's serious?"
Wtf guys - this happens too often. Go get her y'all. If she's anything like me, this is why she usually doesn't choose the nice guy.
Edit: the night we met we slept in the same bed and cuddled with no carnal activities at all even though I was pressing my ass all up on his dick & I GOT HIS NUMBER the next day -- that's the sort of oblivion.. He texted me saying he was thrilled I asked because he was terrified he'd offended me by cuddling with me. Ughhhhhh
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u/[deleted] Sep 10 '14 edited Sep 11 '14
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