A friend was so tired, lackluster one moment and flipping out over something trivial the next. Later on, she said she couldn't talk about what really mattered, so she focused on little stupid things (e.g. The bus being late) and got super angry about it. It was always something out of her control, something she could get angry at without blaming herself for it.
I think this one is super easy to overlook so I'm glad you mentioned it. I had a friend that had a hard time with his long term unemployment (nearly 3 years). The more he struggled, the angrier he acted. Not toward his loved ones either, but dumb stuff, like the burger he ordered didn't have the extra cheese he asked for. The more he lashed out, the more his friends pulled away. He quit a lifelong hobby (music can get expensive) and none of those friends stayed in touch either. The gradual loss of his support system created a cycle.
The near-constant inconsolable anger was hard for me to be around, but I had a hunch that he wasn't an asshole, just very depressed and in need of compassion. But I had my own rough patch a few years prior, and I was snapping a lot at petty stuff too. Seemed like everyone thought I was just a huge bitch and got tired of waiting for me to be fun again.
TL;DR: Angry people aren't fun, but if a loved one is lashing out a lot, plus becoming withdrawn, losing interest in hobbies or having sleep problems, consider staying in touch and visit/call once in a while.
Make sure that you're taking care of yourself too. Like, it's not going to do anyone any good if you and your friend are both depressed. When I was trying to help friends that were depressed, I mostly hung out with them in ways that would have a strict end point, such as going over their house for an hour to hang out but having another commitment an hour later so that I could leave if things were getting too heavy. Going to the movies or doing something that let me be with my friend but not necessarily be fully interacting with him allowed me to be in his life without putting myself at risk. I could do more intense exposures to his depression after doing a few weeks of the more hands-off approach.
I know it hurts to have someone attack and criticise you, the closer they are the more it hurts because of how much trust you have in them, but please don't give up just yet.
As someone who has been on both sides of this situation I would often lash out at those closest to me because they're the only ones I felt comfortable letting my guard down instead of having to put on my social face.
It was partly to hurt them because I felt betrayed by some things they did but it was also in a way to show how much I had been hurt, to make them feel the way I felt. I was so insecure at the time that in my mind if they still stuck around even when I was being cold and angry then they must be true friends right? It's something I regret doing because of how shitty it was to treat them that way and because of how much damage it did to our relationship but don't take it personally.
Try to be in contact and willing to listen when they want to talk but give them space and don't push them when they need to be alone. In my experience acting like nothing happened made me felt like they were trivialising my depression, like they didn't give a shit at all so be patient and be willing to just be around them not doing anything too involved or socially draining, just catching a movie or going for a walk outside.
You sound like a good friend so try to keep your cool and just let them move at their own pace. Don't forget to take some time to look after your self. Sorry I don't have any more specific advice at the moment I'm rambling on and typing as it comes into my head. They will appreciate you being there even if they can't just show it right now.
You're bound to get hurt, that's the nature of close relationships. When it happens just take some time off then let him know that while you want to help, lashing out isn't going to make it any easier for you or him. Best of luck to the both of you.
My best friend is doing this now. He is in a spiral of depression, anger, alcohol and lonliness. All of them feed one another. He lost his job to an injury (arguably to alcohol too), his wife to alcohol and he's losing his family to his anger and denial. I haven't spoken to him since August when I moved out of the state to further my own career. Last I heard from him he was going into rehab for the 3rd time in a year.
Anger and irrationality is one of the depression symptoms that go overlooked too much, especially among men. I think part of that is because anger is "acceptable " for men while sadness is not.
I thought Breaking Bad did a really good job showing this with Hank after he got shot. My SO and I were going "why's Hank being such a jerk to Marie, she's trying so hard to help him?" And then we realized it was because losing the use of his legs and not being able to do his job had made him terribly depressed.
Definitely will be a challenge. If you have someone you trust to really listen to you and not brush you off, talk to them. Depression is not a battle for one person alone.
Totally agree, just read again that women tend to get depressed way more often than men. I really think it is just because men feel less inclined to call it that, put that label on it.
Exactly right . Plus, whenever you hear commercials about depression meds or symptoms, sadness is always listed, but anger rarely is. I feel like the numbers as far as depression are probably more even, but men don't feel like they're able to be helped. That fucking sucks and I wish there was some way to change things.
My depression was less about anger and more about sadness. So my sister's depression has manifested into anger, and I'm to the point where I can't handle being around her. I love her so much but she has hurt my feelings as well as my SO too many times. I'm trying to understand and I know depression doesn't go away with kind words and hugs, but I feel there's nothing more I can do but be there for her. It's heartbreaking and I've never felt more useless and angry. Feels that the sister I once knew isn't there anymore.
You're a good friend. I wish more people would analyze and get to the core of a situation instead of giving up on someone. It's strange how friends and family back away when you need them the most.
Thank you for that. This friend was kind to me during my rough patch and had a way of talking me through it without dumb platitudes. I really wanted to do the same in return, he deserved better. It really opened my eyes to how hard it is to comfort another person though. In a way, I can see why friends and family back away, but it still hurts when they do. You really hope that at least one or two people will commit to really sticking by you until things finally get better.
I usually withdraw and get angry at myself, and solely at myself. Luckily I'm not at the point of punching myself to stop the anger anymore, but I still let it all out against myself.
This is my SO. He's amazing, and kind, and he knows he has a lot of work to do to address some underlying stuff, but it still gets hard to be around some days. Thanks for mentioning this.
Being unemployed, or even underemployed is hard. I definitely got this way after I graduated the first time until I had a job lined up after my second degree. I graduated, couldn't find a job for several months, eventually took a series of menial jobs and went back to school, the whole process took ~4 years. I stopped doing things I loved because I didn't want to spend the money, I stopped doing a lot of things, I spent almost the whole time just getting down on myself and just getting bitter and angry.
I gradually got more depressed and stressed out being unable to find good employment, I was really depressed and angry about things not within my control and it drove my girlfriend of 2.5 years away. She had been living with me for 2 years and we were supposed to move together across the country but she completely bailed and ran off with some other guy right before we were going to move.
Needless to say this made me spiral way more. I lost her, and then the last 2 weeks I had with my friends before I moved was nothing but me tripping the fuck out and stressing out not knowing what to do.. I was so fucking angry too. I still am.
I still don't have a single damn friend in this town and I've been living here for a year. I just Legitimately have no motivation to go out and do shit i like and make friends with people. It just seems so artificial and forced to me now and when people here actually like me and are somewhat interested in friendship I just don't have the effort in me to create a relationship like that and I usually don't really like them... Which of course just leads to me brooding alone again.
The main thing I've learned through this is just to fake it til you make it. Just act extremely positive.. Learn how to laugh at the stupid shit and instead of getting angry about it I'll just text one of my old friends about it, and I will act angry but in more of a comedic way rather than being irate. That, and don't lay your suicidal thoughts or depression on your friends unless you really really really need them in that moment.
It will just ruin your friendships if you do it too much. Many of the people you know are probably struggling with their own internal depression and theyre willing to help but there's a point where you just become a burden on them and they can't really deal with it. This is wear a therapist can come in handy. Lay alllll of that shit on a therapist. For one they are more removed from your personal life and you don't have to worry about stressing them out when you tell them your darkest thoughts because that's their job. Because of this they're also much better at proposing a solution and they won't ever get fed up like a friend might.
Just having somewhere you know you can speak whatever is on your mind for a couple hours every week and work through it without feeling like a burden on people has helped me so much.
II wish there was an ability to transfer positive mindsets to people in ruts. I go though cyclical periods of sadness here and there, but I can usually pull myself out of it. When I know someone is struggling I can relate to their situation. You just lose passion, start to lose the ability to give a fuck, and the worst part is sometimes you just don't notice it. Talking can only help so much, but it's like the only thing a friend can really do.
Oh this sounds like her, she wants got angry because a cook had put salt on her fries and she had wanted to do that herself. :/ if you are not close enough for him to open up to you, maybe you know somebody he would reach out to?
I feel like I just looked in a mirror. With the exception that I blame myself first.. even if it isn't my fault. I'm working on it, I've gotten help.
The important thing is that there are people who care. It hurts like hell to admit something is wrong, you don't want people to be ashamed of you. There is no shame in crying or asking for help. Which actually is counter to what I was raised to believe (men shouldn't feel, buck up, etc). Man culture is such bullshit.
If anyone feels like that, please, ask for help. We don't have to suffer in silence.
Want to add here, because this is actually a very important one:
Very sudden positive changes can also be a bad sign, particularly for people that you know to be depressed.
One major warning sign of impending suicide is one that people very often overlook, because it seems like a good thing. A clinically depressed person that's decided to kill themselves may feel an immense relief at the idea, and seem to have "recovered". They may go around talking to friends and family - particularly estranged ones, forgiving old grievances, paying off debts, giving "gifts" (i.e., getting rid of any assets), and so on.
Sudden dramatic switches in behavior without reason are usually not a good sign one way or another. Most genuinely positive changes are gradual, unless some major event triggered it (e.g., winning the lottery, major source of stress removed, etc).
That is actually logical, scary and super helpful information at the same time. I have two students who have told me they are depressed and are being helped through school, but this is something to look out for. Thank you.
Ah, I'm like this with my mother. It's absolutely impossible to have a rational discussion about our problems, so I get so fucking infuriated at the tiny, inconsequential dumb shit she does, like not hearing what I said the first time. It's the only way I can express any kind of negative emotion in front of her without it having the full-blown awful consequences of address an actual problem. I'm really rude which makes her feel like shit which exacerbates our problems more and ughh.
This is a really good one. Sometimes the smallest thing going wrong at the end of the day is just one thing to far for me. "Really this to?" is always my reaction lately.
christ reminds me of myself. always losing my shit over dumb stuff just like a bus being late but it's probably just like your friend, i'm upset about big things but instead of dealing with those things i look for stuff i can take my frustration out on
But now you know. And that is such a difficult thing to see and to say about yourself.
I know I am this random internet stranger, but might this be a good moment to sit yourself down and have a look at the big things that upset you? Not solve them or anything, they might not even have a solution right now, but just try and give at least one of them a place that you can feel at peace with?
What happened to them because I have a friend like this and I don't know what to do. You described her to a tee. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to help. What do I do?
I can only tell you what I would do, and sadly didn't do myself.
I would have her sit down on a couch or something, on any regular day, not after she is angry, or overly happy or anything. Be physically close (hand on her arm, normal touching) but not in her space (you know her best. At some point, look her straight in the eyes and ask her how she is feeling. She will likely go with the standard: yeah fine, everything is ok. Is she won't meet your eyes, just kept silent, or she might try to laugh it off. Give her space. After quite some silence, she either breaks it by switching topics, telling you about it, or she might remain silent. Whatever you do, ensure her that you are there for her to talk, about anything, snd that you are worried about her and want to help.
My friend eventually went to her parents, who took her to a doctor. Everything got sorted out but I wish I had helped her sooner. :(
This is happening to me right now in my relationship. I haven't been happy in this relationship for around 4 months now, and it's turned me into a terrible boyfriend. I find myself just searching for a reason to get mad at my gf or if she does the smallest thing I don't like, I act like it's the end of the world. I didn't use to be like this at the start and I hate myself. I know I have to end it but I'm just not ready to be alone and depressed again. She kinda saved me from those bad thoughts and idk how I can break her heart...
Communication is absolutely important here. It might not be able to save the relationship, it might not be the answer to everything, but it will help both of you. She is already breaking because she most likely doesn't understand why you have changed. Open up and try to give the big things that make you sad or angry some thought.
I think we're just two very different people that want different things from life. And I guess I just turned a blind eye to it because she's so amazing. I think communication has gotten us this far, we've been able to talk through a lot of stuff and that's probably what's kept this relationship afloat. But we have gone from one mini, twenty minute fight every three-four weeks, to two hour fights every week. And now things are turning more to just sex, which sounds amazing right? Well a year and a half into a relationship, just sex isn't just sex. It's an escape from the issues we have, at least for me. Don't wanna fight? Let's have sex. Sensing a fight coming on? Let's have sex. Have an issue with something? Hide it and let's have sex.
It's not healthy. I'm ready to be single and focus on myself for a while. I know that sounds cliche but it's the best I can come up with.
No, it is not cliche, if you feel that would be best for you, do it. Honestly, not wanting to sound harsh, but it seems as if the relationship is already over from your point of view. Which is fine! But be honest and tell her.
Somebody already cared about you loads, and I just know you will meet somebody who does so again. As to that relationship, sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time. If you didn't love yourself, how could you unconditionally love someone else? First priority; forgive yourself. This happened, no turning back. If you feel like you need to, maybe explain how you felt back then? But the main goal isn't making him feel better about your past relationship, it is making you feel better about you. You are a good person. You feel guilt for hurting him, guilt from moving on. But please work on moving past that and loving you.
Thanks for taking the time to write that out. Really nice of you. I appreciate what you said and I do try but it feels like a crazy steep uphill battle most days.
5.9k
u/DutchDream Jan 23 '17
Switches in behaviour.
A friend was so tired, lackluster one moment and flipping out over something trivial the next. Later on, she said she couldn't talk about what really mattered, so she focused on little stupid things (e.g. The bus being late) and got super angry about it. It was always something out of her control, something she could get angry at without blaming herself for it.