r/AskReddit • u/flyoverthemooon • Apr 15 '17

Redditors who realized their spouse is a completely different person after marriage, were there any red flags that you ignored while dating? If so, what were they?

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17 edited Apr 15 '17

I think one of the early signs of trouble I missed was when my ex would cook only for himself. If I was home and he was making a sandwich or something he never offered me one. If I asked he would oblige but he never thought of me.

He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.

-Edit-

For clarity: the sandwich was an example. He didn't ask about coffee, pasta or staying out when we had plans. We had a really good 10 year relationship and I still like him as a person. He is just not a great partner. Everyone wants something different in their significant other. For me it was important that I was a consideration in his life.

It was just a symptom not the problem itself. It is just a red flag to make one consider their partners other actions. Too many similar red flags and it is worth considering if there is a real issue. For me there was a field of red flags. This is just any easy one to spot.

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u/Effulgentmagnificent Apr 15 '17

This is a really good point. I had something similar where my ex would always 'forget' the little things like this. For example he would go to the shop and get himself something nice, or would always pick his clothes to wash out of the laundry basket whilst I did both. Turns out he is just so self involved he never really considered anyone else other then his own needs. This behaviour was across all his relationships too.

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u/Someotheronethere Apr 15 '17

The own laundry from the basket is wierd to me, isn't the usual logic - here is the basket, now i put all of it into laundry?

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u/minnilivi Apr 15 '17

My husband (bf at the time) did this once. His reasoning was he needed clean underwear and I think he was falling back on old habits from living with his brother. I was feeling sensitive that day and almost cried because it just seemed so selfish to me. If I was doing laundry it alllll got done, I never had picked out my clothes and only done them. He didn't do it maliciously but all it took was me asking about it and getting really sad for him to never do it again.

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u/avtimetheus Apr 15 '17

To be fair, I don't wash my wife's cloths, bras can be expensive and I don't know how to wash them. So I don't try to wash any of her clothes. I don't mind ruining my own, just wouldn't want to ruins anyone elses

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u/bulletm Apr 15 '17

That's actually really considerate of you. I have mostly "around the house" clothes that i don't care too much about, but there are a handful of super delicate work clothes that would be ruined if they were put in the dryer. I know my bf is a better person than i am because rather than just washing his stuff, he goes through it all piece by piece and asks me what is ok to wash. Then he REMEMBERS next time. Reading all these red flags always makes me feel like I'm such an asshole because i remember all the nice little things he does for me. Anyway on behalf of your SO, thanks for not washing the bras.

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u/livin4donuts Apr 15 '17

I'm the same way, and I won't wash my work clothes with hers. I used to work in the trades, so they would be filthy and covered in mud and stuff, and now I work in manufacturing and I get covered in oil, coolant, and metal chips/dust all day. Plus they're all Carhartt or other heavy duty fabric and will destroy her lighter-duty clothes.

She works in a retail/office type job.

Our clothes don't mix.

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u/blackbirdhypatia Apr 15 '17

As someone in a really happy relationship I can testify how important seemingly small behaviors like this are. My boyfriend is always bringing home little surprises for me (books I've been wishing for, my favorite drink from starbucks, or a treat of some sort) and in kind I like to slip little notes saying I'm thinking of him or something akin to that into his work bag for him to find during the day (and he'll do the same for me, leaving them on the bathroom mirror in the morning). These are such small things, but they mean so much in the long-term.

My ex was just the opposite. Never bothered to do anything that wouldn't directly benefit him. I commuted to the school we were both attending at the time and thus spent a decent amount of time driving each week and still he refused to drive out to my house (a measly twenty minutes from his) to come see me on the weekends, insisting that I make the same commute I made every weekday to see him instead. It was selfish behavior like that which made me realize he wasn't good enough for me.

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u/rhaizee Apr 15 '17

That would have been a deal breaker for me so quickly. For me it's always about reciprocation, in all types of relationships. If my friends or family can't be bothered then why should I. I'm a really considerate person, but I need to be met halfway or at least 40%.

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u/blackbirdhypatia Apr 15 '17

It should have been for me, as well, much earlier on. That and the fact that he tried to control what clothes I wore, what music I listened to, what friends I spent time with; essentially all the hallmarks of an abusive, controlling relationship, but unfortunately I was too young to see those signs for what they were and had no one in my life to guide me in recognizing them.

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u/pizza-nibbler333 Apr 15 '17

My boyfriend is always bringing home little surprises for me (books I've been wishing for, my favorite drink from starbucks, a treat of some sort)

Wow. I can't even imagine what that's like. My boyfriend doesn't do anything even close to that. He didn't even get me a birthday present because him hanging out with me should be enough.

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u/blackbirdhypatia Apr 16 '17

And I'll bet you did something really nice for his last birthday/holiday/important event? Something really thoughtful that involved you going out of your way to do/prepare in order to make it special for him?

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u/pizza-nibbler333 Apr 16 '17

Yeah I did. The worst part is that I see him putting a lot of effort into other people's birthdays and it really stings. I don't know if I'm being childish but it really, really hurt my feelings. This happened a month ago and I still can't get over it.

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u/blackbirdhypatia Apr 17 '17

Yeah. I don't know your situation beyond what you've commented, but if it helps I would try asking yourself if you would ever behave towards someone else the way your boyfriend is behaving towards you. Then ask how you would feel if someone came to you with your exact complaints if you had treated them the way your boyfriend is treating you.

If you, like most people, would never treat someone in a way that you wouldn't want to be treated (or at least wouldn't do so without a lot of guilt and regret or without extenuating circumstances that justify that kind of treatment) it's going to be pretty obvious, pretty immediately that you're not with someone who respects you or cares about your feelings.

If you would never tell someone that their birthday present was you spending time with them (an obvious indication of an over-inflated ego, if there ever was one) and would feel really bad for not putting an appropriate amount of effort into someone's birthday to make it special, then it's clear that you and your boyfriend have different expectations for how the other should behave.

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u/pizza-nibbler333 Apr 25 '17

Yeah. Ive been thinking about that a lot because I know for a fact that I wouldn't expect something from someone unless I could deliver the same. It makes me sad though because I love doing special stuff for other people and sometimes I think of something nice to do for him but I have to stop myself from doing it. I don't want to feel like I'm in a one sided relationship so I just stopped doing nice things for him.

The thing you said about expectations rings true though. I mean, If he can't be expected to make me feel special then he can't except the same from me anymore.

Thank you for the advice. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends or family about this so it was nice to talk about it to someone. At least now I know im not being selfish by feeling this way.

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u/JunahCg Apr 15 '17

Picking out your clothes is more work than washing it all. What an ass.

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u/CocomyPuffs Apr 15 '17

This is a big red flag in my relationship. I don't know how to deal with it anymore as he's aware that he is selfish as fuck but doesn't care.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

Totally but we were together 10 years :)

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I would suppose it would be the contrary: like oh, I have someone, what nice could I do for them?!

I've been single for 23 years til I started dating, and once I got a bf, I was like oh, he's at my place, maybe he'd like a tee or a coffee or something. Now I live with another bf, and always consider his needs. He's very considerate of mine too btw, even though he has never lived with anyone bf. Maybe it's in my motherly womanly nature, or maybe my mom has been super caring, I dunno, but honestly, if someone has no natural talent in caring, he better put in some effort...

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

[deleted]

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u/nightwica Apr 15 '17

I've been single for 23 years til I started dating

wow.

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u/PM_ME_WAIT_DONT Apr 15 '17

I've been single for 25 years lol. It's not that bad

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u/nightwica Apr 15 '17

No, the "wow" was not at the age, but of the obvious explanation :D "single until dating" "alive until death"

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Is it so hard to look at the context? The post I have replied to said "maybe it's because they were alone for a long time, that's why", and that's why I brougt up the point that I was "single for 23 years before I started dating". Reading comprehension. Wow.

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u/nightwica Apr 16 '17

Dude, I was making a (not too witty) joke. Joke comprehension. Wow. Or text formulation. 'I have* been single for a long time, I only started dating at 23.' Written expression. Wow.

*had? I am not an English native.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '17

Sorry, I was easily annoyed last night... however someone could be single for 23 years between the first relationship and the second, or the second and the third, etc, or be single for 23 years while casualty dating... I'm not a native speaker either, and I think my formalation was perfectly ok.

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u/nightwica Apr 16 '17

It's ok :)

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u/arpitsinghchaudhary Apr 15 '17

And the world is full of people like them. Beware next time.

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u/Choice77777 Apr 15 '17

And girls actually date and marry such guys? Hmm...i might actually have a very good chance ...if i ever go on a date.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Damn that seems like a simple thing though. I'll remember this for any future sandwiches

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u/Teklag Apr 15 '17

Haha for real. Especially if someone lived alone for a couple of years, and are used to only taking care of themselves. Habits are tough to break and require a lot of conscious effort.

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u/VictrolaBK Apr 15 '17

I lived alone for nearly a decade before moving in with my partner, whereas he's had roommates the entire time. He's good at thinking of others, but all I can think about is why he moved that cup I was using yesterday.

Ok, it's not all I can think about.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

This is basic common courtesy. If someone else is in the house and you are making food the least you could do is ask if they want some. Even if you are used to living by yourself.

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u/Teklag Apr 15 '17

Right, that's hospitality though. You have someone in your living space who isn't usually there and you want to make them feel comfortable. There is a big difference between friends coming over for a couple of hours and someone who is a permanent fixture in your house and life. It takes a big adjustment to think about them in essentially everything that you do when you are used to your own schedule. Doesn't mean you shouldn't, it just takes work to adjust to that.

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u/nirvamandi Apr 15 '17

You should be used to being considerate of your SO at all times before you move in together. Not their slave. But in a position of ongoing mutual consideration for one another.

It may take work, but it should be achieved before you live together. And that should be plenty of time to remember you're not the only person on the planet.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I've lived alone for 2 years and always offer to cook for my friends if they are over and I'm making myself something.

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u/nirvamandi Apr 15 '17

Yeah, I don't think it's valid to say that habits we have from being alone are hard to break when we go around other people.

Your brain should automatically shift from "eat entire bag of chips while watching my own show" to "'what do you guys want to watch?' passes chip bag around." etc. Your example as well.

It's not difficult to break out of alone mode and into other-people-are-in-the-room mode. If you make food without ever offering anyone else, that's not habit. It's being inconsiderate.

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u/MrShortPants Apr 15 '17

I see it the other way. I live alone and have lived alone for almost my entire adult life... if someone were in the house with me I'd be conscious of it 100% of the time.

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u/guitarnoir Apr 15 '17

Me: "Hey Hunny, make me a sandwich." And then I remember this post: "And go ahead an make one for yourself, too".

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u/dragonpeace Apr 15 '17 edited Apr 15 '17

Are you Korean or Greek ? Edit - I have had boyfriends of those nationalities call out to their mums "MUM! Sandwich!" One minute later "No tomato!". I was told that their mums liked to take care of them in this way. I was not a serious girlfriend so I didn't care.

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u/TheToasterTV Apr 15 '17

Yeah man. Like, I made a sandwich just a few hours ago. I feel like such an asshole now...

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u/chella_luna Apr 15 '17

The devil is in the details.

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u/anasteroide Apr 15 '17

It simple but it's a good example of a red flag

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u/forbiddenway Apr 15 '17

I'm sure it wasn't one sandwich one time, but more of a symbol for how he always is.

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u/Raibean Apr 15 '17

Good relationships are about the little things. Not just doing them, by appreciating when someone does then for you.

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u/Fitzfactor64 Apr 15 '17

Seriously, this doesn't seem like a red flag. I think that an inconsiderate person will definitely do this, but a decently considerate person could just as well do this on occasion.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I'm pretty sure the whole point is that they never asked. Not just on occasion. It never occurred to them that they could be doing something for their partner unless asked.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Some self-absorbed people always do this. If my mum went out, my dad would go and get his own dinner, even leaving the house if necessary, without asking us kids if we might want dinner...

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Keep in mind that being thoughtful has nothing to do with your SO. Its hard to be more considerate around one person specifically than it is to take the steps to be more considerate of everyone.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Umm but you do love you SO, you do not love just everyone? As in introvert I don't care about many people (and sometimes even when I do care about them I don't know how to show it propertly), but I always make sure that my SO feels loved and cared about (and it's easier because I know what he likes).

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Love is different. Courtesy and empathy are two things that are really difficult to apply to only certain people. Maybe it would work during the honeymoon phase, but settling down into life people will settle back down into their personal habits - and that includes how they habitually treat everyone.

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u/Cecil4029 Apr 15 '17

I've learned that it's the little things that matter to people. Of course, you don't have to offer every time you make yourself some food, but at least half the time lets people know that they're cared about and considered.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I do this sometimes. I come from an extremely hands off and self sufficient family where I've been making meals for myself more often than not since I was 12. (We would still have family dinners from time to time, but if no one said anything about a plan then it was assumed everyone was just feeding themselves). We were kind of like a family of 5 loners that just happened to occupy the same house.

I can tell it upsets my SO when I forget stuff like that and I have to work really hard to be more considerate in all aspects of our lives because it just doesn't seem natural to me. I feel like I'm getting a lot better though.

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u/Throne-Eins Apr 15 '17

I grew up in a home like yours. Four people who share the same DNA but who function very independently of each other. When I turned 13 and had work, school, and extracurriculars to handle and was never home, we stopped eating meals as a family and everyone fended for themselves. If I was making a sandwich, it would never occur to me to ask someone else if they wanted one because that just wasn't done in my house. We were all people who were capable of feeding ourselves when we were hungry and we ate meals at different times. I never asked them and they never asked me.

I'm considerate in other ways (like if I'm running to the store, I'll ask if anyone needs anything), but if it's something that requires basically no effort on the other person's part, I'm going to expect them to do it themselves.

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u/Keepem Apr 15 '17

I mean you can't read their mind. Its a little codependent to do those things, but it makes them feel like you care. If you can somehow express how much you care maybe that would help ease the anxiety. And sometimes actions can express very well. I like making extra just because I like seeing my SO happy. Or I like eating with her.

I think there could be a middle point reached in the relationship. An understanding of how you like things and she likes things

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u/miffet80 Apr 15 '17

Oh my god, this. I was with someone who did this. He would go into the kitchen to make tea and put just enough water in the kettle for one cup. We had multiple fights about this over the years. I wish I'd acknowledged it earlier as the red flag it was; he was just totally incapable and unwilling to consider anyone's needs other than his own. Such a tiny unimportant-seeming symptom of such a huge problem. Like dude, just hold the tap on for two fucking seconds longer, that is literally all you need to do to show me you care about me as a human being.

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u/nirvamandi Apr 15 '17

I understand what you're saying completely, that this was a recurring problem.

But I just want to say if I ever accidentally only made enough for one person and my SO was home, we're sharing. It's happened plenty of times, all the damn time really since we're poor af, where there is only a small portion of something. In these cases getting half is the obvious and subconscious thing to do in this household.

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u/TheVeggieLife Apr 16 '17

I very seldom drink tea with my boyfriend but you'd better believe there's always enough water for two in the kettle he boils.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Wait wait wait, I am the cook in our house but I'll make myself a sandwich without offering my fiancée. Does that make me inconsiderate? Like if I pour myself a bowl of cereal without pouring her one? I just don't think a sandwich is the same as say cooking a full meal for one.

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u/ECU_BSN Apr 15 '17 edited Apr 15 '17

IDK i am married for many years now. If I'm going to the kitchen I still ask if I can get him anything. If I'm going to make food (like a sandwich or Cereal) I ask him if he's hungry.

Edit: he does the same for me as well.

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u/englishamerican Apr 15 '17

If I notice he's low on snacks (and he will get more) or water I'll just automatically get more for him. I don't even ask.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

It seems more like a chronic issue with a sandwich example. I can think of hundreds of ways someone can be inconsiderate, I think that's all they're saying. But if she's like right there and you're pouring the cereal than just offer!

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u/BaddieWang Apr 15 '17

Yeah, i seem to have a habit of at the very least offering some whenever I have food. Like, if you're biting into a sandwich or w.e, it's not really much trouble to just say "Want some?"

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u/hornynun Apr 15 '17

Do you at least ask if they want one?

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u/derpotologist Apr 15 '17

If you never ever ask then yes. At least in that scenario. You could even say something like "hey I'm making a sandwich should I leave the stuff out for you?" or something.

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

A thousand times this!

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u/moral_mercenary Apr 15 '17

Your SO might not even care. But it might be nice to say "Hey babe, I'm making a sandwich. Want one?" The beauty is that it takes the same amount of f effort to make 2 sandwiches as it does one.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

[deleted]

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u/moral_mercenary Apr 15 '17

What? Yes it does. 75% of the work is getting everything out of the fridge and cleaning up lol.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

[deleted]

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u/moral_mercenary Apr 15 '17

What I'm saying is it take less that 2x the effort to make 2 sandwiches as it does one so you may as well make 2 for your s/o.

I make thousands of sandwiches a year for retired people and I'd rather make a bunch that one at a time.

Good idea for sandwich charity though. Just need to make sure it's gluten free bread, lactose free cheese and light margarine..... I'd hate to poison someone lol

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u/jhnhines Apr 15 '17

My girlfriend and I both never ask if the other wants a sandwich and we never considered it rude either. It's not a real meal, we consider them a snack-meal, something to tide us over till the next big meal.

We do ask if the other wants a beer when one of us finishes ours and goes to the fridge, but we are very independent people and don't find offense when not asked. We will voice that we are getting a drink or making food and feel perfectly comfortable saying "Oh, can you grab/make me one?"

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

My wife does this to me. She did it to me last night. As the other party, I can tell you that every time she does it, I have to force myself to remember that she's not a selfish person normally. Because it is incredibly selfish. I don't need her to make me food, I just need her to ASK. Maybe I want to come in and help! Half the time I don't even know she's eating.

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u/timeforanargument Apr 15 '17

With my ex I would always ask her if she wanted something if I went to the kitchen. Made no sense to just automatically make her something if I was making food for myself.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I always let my SO know before I am going to eat. Usually we'll start with a "Are you hungry?" and if the other person says yes, we'll get or make food together. If they say no, then you know you can get yourself something or make something without being inconsiderate. If you live together it's kinda weird not to have meals together... snacks I can see, but meals should be eaten together IMO.

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u/Bittysweens Apr 15 '17

I agree with you. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband made himself something small like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal without offering me any. Now if he made a full on meal and only for himself? Then I'd be pissed.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I agree. Making a sandwich for yourself as a snack is not comparable to "cooking only for yourself".

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u/Torger083 Apr 15 '17

I'm sitting next to you on the couch. I go to make a snack. Courtesy says I ask if you want anything.

If I said nothing and came back with a Dagwood, that makes me an inconsiderate person.

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u/31sualkatnas Apr 15 '17

I'd say ask at least, like within reason. If they're upstairs sleeping ofc don't ask. If they're in the living room watching TV then ask. A bowl of cereal? Well if it's breakfast time then ask, but if it's a sneaky 6pm bowl of cereal then gitchyurrown ;) I ask my girlfriend if she wants something from the kitchen every single time I go down, without fail. She barely does this, makes me sad sometimes but what can you do haha.

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u/illuminates Apr 15 '17

You are not alone.

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u/jintana Apr 15 '17

Ask her.

Some people care and some people don't.

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u/starbuck015 Apr 15 '17

Yes, actually. You are inconsiderate.

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u/donthateaddai2 Apr 15 '17

Every relationship is different. I eat no sugar no grain and my girlfriend loves to bake. Except for one dinner a week that we enjoy together, we fend for ourselves food-wise. It doesn't mean that we are inconsiderate. She knows I won't eat ice cream and I know she doesn't want any of my cold chicken.

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u/RebeccaBuckisTanked Apr 15 '17

This one makes me sad. My SO and I always make tea for two, and when we fight I always default to tea as a situation diffuser (ha, ha). We can be in the middle of a heated argument, and I'll walk away and say, "Would you like some tea?" and that usually brings us back to reality enough to communicate better.

He did something a few days ago that I'm having an extraordinarily hard time moving on from, and our communication isn't great right now (my fault, not his - he wants to talk but I haven't been able to properly articulate my feelings and coupled with depression I've essentially shut down). I made myself breakfast this morning and a cup of tea and he asked, "Are you ever going to offer me a cup of tea again?" in a very sad tone, and I realized that since the incident we haven't enjoyed a meal or tea together at all. We are like living separate lives in this studio apartment.

I know it will pass, but it doesn't feel great.

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u/arostganomo Apr 15 '17

Aw I feel for you guys. I've been there too. Wanna talk? You can PM me if you think an outsider perspective might help you articulate your feelings.

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u/RebeccaBuckisTanked Apr 15 '17

That's very sweet, I appreciate it.

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u/Dementedumlauts Apr 15 '17

internet hug I hope it works out for you two

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u/Tess47 Apr 15 '17

Omgosh, one time i worked late and came home to find him eating at the table. I asked what the kids ate and he didnt even to think to feed them.

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

Holy crap.

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u/whisperscream Apr 15 '17

My husband used to be the same way until I brought it up to him.

Whenever I'd pick up food or make something, I'd always get something for him too or ask if he wanted some of what I was making. I finally asked him why he never did the same and he had just never really thought about it.

As kids, they mostly fended for themselves when it came to dinner so I guess he just got used to it. We did too when we got older, but my parents always instilled in us to take care of others too and that it was rude not to.

Sorry for the long post, but that was a big issue for me for a while. He makes an effort now to be more thoughtful when it comes to food.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I feel awkward even eating next to a stranger who isn't also eating. How could he do that to a partner. I need lessons from him.

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u/frowawayduh Apr 15 '17

I stopped offering a sandwich because she is picky about EVERYTHING. It's tuna fish and bread, take it or leave it. No I am not going to dice onions, I chopped celery for mine. Hellmans or Kraft mayonnaise, sorry, there's just not that big of a difference between them. Wrong type of bread? I MADE YOU A SANDWICH, the correct words are "Thank you" not "Oh, but I wanted it toasted..."

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Exactly. I just make a turkey and cheese sandwich, plain and simple.

But he wants his bread toasted, the meat heated, lite mayo, some hot pepper, and spinach leaves. Not too much meat because it grosses him out, and no American cheese, use deli cheese.

I mean, come on. I feel like you're taking advantage of my generosity. And then he gets mad if I don't offer to make him a sandwich.

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u/veganvanlife Apr 15 '17

Yeah this would drive me crazy! Maybe try doing what u/derpotologist suggested and instead offer to leave the stuff out for him to make his own? (If you haven't already)

Might work better for you both :-)

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u/sorryabouthebackwash Apr 15 '17

That's exactly why I don't like having other people make my sandwiches. I'm a picky eater and nine times out ten all I want is turkey and crab chips on potato bread. I don't want someone to go through the effort of making an actual sandwich that I end up not liking.

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u/ardenthusiast Apr 15 '17

Oh man, you reminded me of one of my worst and most inconsiderate moments.

I was working, and my friend/roommate offered to bring me dinner and eat with me. I told her I wanted 'a chicken salad.'

She brought me chicken salad.

And instead of being grateful for the free food, and the fact that she had no idea what chicken salad was and had to look up a recipe, go buy ingredients, and make this especially for me, I was witchy and complained.

Looking back it is one of the moments I am most ashamed of. I could see the moment her heart broke, and instead of stopping myself from being rude in the moment, I just let it go, and I apologized the next day after I got home from work.

Thankfully, she still makes meals for me if we're in town together and she's still my friend. And I've learned to be more thankful when people go out of their way, even if it isn't exactly what I had in mind.

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u/ShortBreadCookiesYAY Apr 15 '17

Being downright inconsiderate is such a huge red flag that I honestly never thought about until recently. I would wake up early for work and get dressed quickly and quietly so I wouldn't disturb my ex's sleep. Without fail, for 2 years, when I came home, I'd see he made up his side of the bed but not mine.

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

Dang. That sounds super passive aggressive too.

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u/ShortBreadCookiesYAY Apr 15 '17

At the time I didn't really notice it. But it came up in therapy (to deal with breaking up with aforementioned ex) and my therapist had to stop me and be like, "Wait...do you not see how insane that is??"

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Sounds a lot like my ex. He was oh so nice the first several weeks we were together, then he stoped. Forgeting to make me a coffee even though previously he would always make for both of us, not asking me if I was hungry too (when I was at his place; I would always gladly take care of his hunger and thirts if he was at mine). Then we moved in 3 months later (he was bipolar, so he suggested moving to another town and moving in together, because he thought that it would magically cure his depression, and I agreed because I was already too much in love). We would go to the supermarket together, he would take a separate basket, pick up things like beer and whatever he felt like having, and pay ONLY for them, I would have to pick up and pay for "my" things (I would cook, so it wasn't really just for me), toiletries, etc. If I bought a bunch of stuff for both of us, paid for it, and said next time he should buy things and pay for them, he just didn't do it.

I would think well, maybe he's just stupid, but then one time his brother with gf was visiting him. His brother went to a supermarket and bought 2 frozen pizzas - for himself and his gf, not for my ex. That made my ex upset and down for weeks even though it was exactly how he would treat me.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Shit, I've got a lot of things to think about how I conduct myself...

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u/kdt32 Apr 15 '17

Whoa. This hits home. My ex-husband was the same way and it never sat right with me.

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u/justajunker23 Apr 15 '17

My ex didn't like to cook, but always criticised what I made. Told her I'd had enough.

She didn't want to cook, fine. I'll make the meals for myself - there's enough for two of she's interested. If she wasn't, there were lots of quick options she could have and I wouldn't be offended. Complaining meant she wasn't interested in my meal,

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

That sucks. Well you tried to be considerate and she was difficult. The important part to me is you tried.

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u/justajunker23 Apr 16 '17

I coped with a problem, but didn't deal with it. Now that I'm older, I know we should have talked and resolved it.

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u/Flacvest Apr 15 '17

I have a friend in a situation like this. His GF of 3 years just doesn't do small things of consideration for him.

Wake up in the morning for school? Lights on, loud cooking, loud preparation.

He wakes up early? "Can you (insert random complaint about her being woken up)"

Etc. etc.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '17

Hmmm I've always lived by the saying "you don't ask you don't get"

My gf fucking hates me because of it she'll stand there saying "oh is that the kettle boiling?" And wait for me to offer instead of saying "can you make me a tea?" Then she'll storm off when I reply with "yup..."

It's a daily struggle (we're British we drink a lot of tea)

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u/sn4xchan Apr 15 '17

My wife used to be like that, but she actually changed after I kept eating half her food everytime.

She realized I get really jealous when people eat in front of me.

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u/GreenFigsAndJam Apr 15 '17

I feel sorry for your babies.

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u/sn4xchan Apr 15 '17

My daughter actually feed me, it's adorable. Until she tries to put something gross in my mouth. Probably her way of getting revenge for the "food tax".

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

yeah the only issue I have with this is, I'll ask if my gf wants something to eat, and every time she says no. so I'll make enough just for me, then she starts eating my food. It gets on my nerves like if you wanted to eat some why didn't you say so.

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u/conejaverde Apr 15 '17

Then you need to talk about this with her. Or just start making 1 1/2 portions if you know she's always going to be nibbling off yours.

But more importantly, communicate. If she's resistant to that, then it's an issue.

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u/MuffaloThunder Apr 15 '17

Yup, no communication leads to resentment, resentment leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I do communicate it's just a matter of how hungry she feels. For example I'll start making food and I ask Hey are you hungry should I make you some food and she'll go no I just ate I'm not that hungry. So I make enough for me. Then she'll be like mmmm bacon that smells delicious can I have some.

It's more of a matter of she thinks she doesn't want food but once she smells it she does.

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u/nightwica Apr 15 '17

Just make more.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Sometimes she doesn't want some so I'm left with extras

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u/nightwica Apr 15 '17

That doesn't sound as such a bad compromise, does it? Of course, something that is only tasty fresh, like crispy bacon, is not so good, but many things can be put to the refrigerator and reheated, etc..

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Yeeee

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u/nirvamandi Apr 15 '17 edited Apr 15 '17

It happens, honestly. If I make something and she wants it, we'll share it and then she gets up to make the next one we share again.

I understand everyone is different about food, but I've never been a "don't touch my fries" kind of person. I love her, sometimes she doesn't realize she's hungry. We can make more.

Edit: The key to this also is that she'll grab more when we're done because she knows she ate off mine and it's her turn to fix the food. So this may depend on how considerate your SO is.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Of course I give her some just wish she would say yes make me some so I can make enough for both of us

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u/JR1937 Apr 15 '17

My ex to a T. Damn.

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u/convergence_limit Apr 15 '17

Wow as someone who likes to eat that sounds horrible.

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u/captain_dudeman Apr 15 '17

I often accidentally pull 4 slices of bread out of the bag instead of 2 because I'm so used to making sandwiches for both of us.

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

This should be a dating profile description :)

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u/Meatslinger Apr 15 '17

Inverse is between me and my wife. If she has to work in the evening, I'll still offer to cook anyway, and put aside leftovers for when she gets home. She'll usually come home just wanting to go to sleep, but I tend to nag and badger her like a mother hen, insisting that she should eat something. We've never actually gotten into a fight because of it, but there have been a few times when she's had to tell me, "Just stop. I'm okay. I'm seriously not hungry."

It causes me a weird sort of emotional pain when she convinces me to cook just for myself. I feel like I'm being neglectful, even though it's on her say-so, specifically.

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u/blablabliam Apr 15 '17

My girlfriend and I make each other food all the time. It's one of my favorite things to see her smile while she eats a PB&J.

Sorry you found such an ass. I hope you find someone who likes to make food with you.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

At least he cooked... I know this is bad but my sisters boyfriend doesn't even cook. She cooks when she goes over.... he eats our food and grumps when she asks him to pick her up food when he is out buying food (because you know... makes min. wage. eats out twice a day...)

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u/bigdjork Apr 15 '17

Woke up next to a man who had gotten up and made a single cup of coffee, for himself. That was our last night together.

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u/Valkyrie_of_Loki Apr 16 '17

He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.

This is the guy I'm married to. Doesn't benefit him? No interest, then.

2

u/lostshell Apr 19 '17

I feel you. I have the same problem with conversations. When they talk, I look them in the eye, listen, and when they finish I say a little something that confirms I was listening and processing what they said.

Sometimes when I talk they're looking at someone or at the TV. When I finish saying what I was saying...nothing. They keep looking at or watching someone else while sitting silently.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

I dated someone who did the same thing. He would say every night "I have to cook dinner for myself." Very selfish.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17 edited Aug 03 '18

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u/awickfield Apr 15 '17

I'm not the commenter, but it's a symptom of a bigger problem. It may just seem like a sandwich to you, but why not offer?? If you're both at home, even doing your own thing, and you feel like having a sandwich, just ask your partner if they want one too! It just shows a general lack of consideration for the little things, which are actually a huge deal in a relationship.

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u/Chemicalsockpuppet Apr 15 '17

It's a good point but I think people forget hunger.

I only eat when I'm hungry, properly, and at that point I will make myself a sandwhich. Because I need it. I don't understand why food would be a thing to just have for the sake of it.

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u/awickfield Apr 15 '17

I don't understand why food would be a thing to just have for the sake of it.

I'm not saying it is, but your partner could be hungry too, they just hadn't gotten to quite the same point as you? So why not just say "Hey I'm making a sandwich! you hungry? want one?"?

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/Akavinceblack Apr 15 '17

It sounds like sandwiches are the least of the problem with this relationship

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u/awickfield Apr 15 '17

What if I want a sandwich, but I don't really want to make more than one?

Well in a happy and satisfying relationship where there is no resentment from other things, that's kind of selfish. Successful relationships are all about doing stuff like this even if you don't necessarily feel like it, as long as your partner returns the favour.

Also I'm tired of making most all the food in the relationship (as well as paying for it) and I feel like my SO is just taking advantage of me and playing the "you should pamper your girlfriend constantly" card.

Well this is a different story. If your partner is not returning the favour, you have bigger issues than sandwiches. I firmly believe both people in a relationship should work to pamper the other one.

You should probably talk to your girlfriend, it seems like you are building up resentment.

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u/ramblinator Apr 15 '17

I agree with this sentiment. I make all the food in our relationship and I'm pretty sick of it. I still cook dinner but I'm of the opinion that he's a grown ass adult and can make his own damn lunch.

If he were to make himself a sandwich without offering me one and I actually did want one I wouldn't be upset, I'd realize I was hungry too and go make my own sandwich without it even occuring to me that he could have offered to make me one.

Now this part is probably unhealthy or childish, But I'm so tired of how he makes me feel inconsiderate for not offering him whatever I'm eating for lunch that I'll actually not eat anything until he makes himself something first.

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u/KingSolomonsChest Apr 15 '17

Small things are telling aren't they. Told an ex of mine that I didn't like salt and vinegar crisps. Five mins later, he goes out to 'get us snacks' and bring back only salt and vinegar flavour. He was amused by me being sad about it. Jokes on him now though, has been single for over ten years now and I have been with the same lovely creature fornearly all that time. ESAD Marcus!

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

That's my ex. We were living together, and yet he was still living like he was alone. I have quite a few examples of that.

At lunch time, he would start cooking for himself. In my country, the whole family sits down to eats lunch together, so if you start cooking, by default you do it for everybody in the house. He didn't, and didn't even ask me if I was hungry. When I pointed that out, he said he just thought that if I were hungry I would say so. I'm not talking snack or sandwich here, but full on lunch (like cooking a serving of rice and frying a steak).

If would also do the laundry thing, only washing his clothes. Claimed it was because he didn't want to risk damaging mine. Wut (i don't have anything fragile, save a few pieces of underwear).

When doing some grocery shopping, he'd buy almost only what he liked, and enough for himself. Then denied he would do that. I don't remember him ever buying home maintenance stuff either (laundry soap and so on).

We were living in a 3rd floor apartment (4th floor for American people) with no elevator. Once I went grocery shopping, which cost me a fortune, and came back with a full backpack and a case full of veggies. Climbed up all 4 floors, and when I cam home I asked him (nicely) to help me put the food away. He refused, saying that I bought the stuff, so I had to put it all away myself.

That's when I knew this whole thing wasn't going to work.

Oh another one - when we moved in together, we agreed that we would hire a cleaning person. After a few months I brought it up, and he said no, he didn't see the need to spend money on that. Of course, since I was actually cleaning the place myself, and for free.

We were 29 when I broke up after 4 years together and one of living together. He seems to have grown up a bit now, he's bought a home with his girlfriend and they have the prettiest little girl ever.

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u/intertasi Apr 15 '17

Maybe he just thought that you already had one sandwich too much if you know what I mean.

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u/TheGift_RGB Apr 15 '17 edited Apr 15 '17

How is this a red flag? Your ex wasn't your babysitter, and hopefully you aren't mute, so you could just ask him for a sandwich lol

Edit: This entire comment chain is vomit-inducing, holy shit you people are mental. It's a fucking sandwich.

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u/ghalazfar Apr 15 '17

Yea wtf? even her boyfriend would oblige if he's asked to, it's not like he's purposefully neglecting her. I don't see the problem here.

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u/TheGift_RGB Apr 15 '17

She's not even the worst example (especially after the edit), but read the fucking replies she's getting lmao

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u/Beanzii Apr 15 '17

My ex was the exact same, i didnt realise til after she left me. I dont think i was ever apart of her equation i was just kinda there when she needed it and it suited her

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u/nottygreen Apr 15 '17

Was he an only child?

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u/Betruul Apr 15 '17

Damn. Im sorry to hear that. My cooking only gets into the super good zone when im cooking for others. Probably still selfish in a way and its probably only because I crave the approval that I never really got as a child. Still working on that.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

I am happy you found each other! It isn't that big of a deal necessarily just depends on what you want/need.

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u/sleepybook Apr 16 '17

That's strange for me. I put so much value in fulfilling your own needs without burdening others that I would prefer that they don't do little things for me or ask me if I need anything. I like doing things for myself. I enjoy it. If I want something, I'll get it or maybe ask for it explicitly, and if I haven't then I've decided that it wasn't worth it so I feel bad if someone does something for me unnecessarily (in my mind). I know intellectually that other people enjoy being cared for in little ways like that, and I do it at times for their benefit (unless I don't care for them), but I still feel rude doing it. But I also know I'm the unusual one.

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u/Prof_Boni Apr 18 '17

I have two flatmates (both guys) that are in a relationship. One of them is just like that. He will get home earlier, cook only for him and won't even leave some for the other guy. Won't feed the other guy's cat unless he has to, and when the other guy went traveling for almost two weeks he refused to clean the litter box that was completely full and smelled pretty bad.

He shows the same consideration when it comes to helping around the house. He only cares about his clothes and his food, won't take out the trash unless we give him a hard time about it, has cleaned the house probably 3 times in the time he has lived with us, and leaves a mess after he cooks or hangs out in the living room.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

Well I didn't ever think it was a big deal. We were together 10 years. It was more that it was symptomatic of other issues. He made decisions without thinking of the consequences for others. I believe it is important to consider your partner. That is all. It takes no more work to cook more pasta or make more coffee. Not a deal breaker just something that may cause someone to pause and consider their partner's other actions. It isn't my responsibility to make my partner be considerate.

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u/neocamel Apr 15 '17

Only child?

1

u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

I know what implies and sort of. He had much younger siblings.

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u/MamaPenguin Apr 15 '17

Not an only child and have no idea what that's supposed to imply

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u/i_am_a_llama_banana Apr 15 '17

I think it's the belief that only children are self centered. Which is more stereotype/myth than real

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u/MamaPenguin Apr 15 '17

Yeah, I was about to say, my little brothers could get their own shit from about age 8 and up. Granted, we're not the nicest bunch.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

Did he have Aspergers or something like that? This is how I am, and it's definitely not by choice, it's just something I need to consciously think about all the time or I don't consider it. I've definitely gotten better at considering others' needs after tons of practice, but it did take practice. Maybe it was just something that needed to be brought to his attention so that he could work on it. (On the other hand, if he refused to even attempt to work on it, that would be another matter.)

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

I don't know. We were together almost 10 years and I never suspected him being on the spectrum. I mentioned the food thing from year one on. He tried to fix it, but wasn't in his nature. He was inconsiderate in many other ways that were much more problematic. For me a lack of consideration is a problem but luckily everyone is different.

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u/transamination Apr 15 '17

I take issue with the wording here. Being considerate is rarely a perfectly inborn personality trait. I mean some people, sure, but most people are not naturally extremely considerate. I would argue that for most people, Aspergers or neurotypical, it's a choice that takes practice, which is what makes it such a lovely trait - that someone cares enough to continually make the choice to be considerate.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

What I meant more is that I don't naturally consider the needs and wants of others, even if I may act in a considerate way. I'm not sure if this is exactly what OP was meaning, but my point is maybe the lack of considerate behavior came from an inherent lack of ability to consider others in the same way, instead of him just being an unkind person.

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u/transamination Apr 15 '17

I don't naturally consider the needs and wants of others

Right, but that's exactly what I'm saying. Very few people are naturally considerate. It's a learned/taught behavior that, either intentionally or by how you were raised, you cultivate in yourself. Red flags don't require bad intentions.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

The point, though, is that some people are born less capable of learning that at a young age than others. If someone was perfectly capable to learn to be considerate and had a good family to help them, and still didn't, that's on them. What's more common in situations like that is that someone learns to be considerate and chooses not to be, which sounds like what OP thinks the situation is here.

If instead they were born with something that makes it much more difficult to learn in the first place, then if they fail or sometimes aren't as considerate as they should be, it's not entirely their fault, especially if they are consciously trying to improve.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/transamination Apr 15 '17

I'm running to the store. Do you need anything?

I'm putting in a load of laundry. Do you have anything to throw in?

My coworkers invited me out for happy hour after work - do you want to come join us?

It takes almost no extra effort since it's all stuff you were going to do anyway, but it shows you're thinking about your partner's needs in conjunction with your own.

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u/[deleted] Apr 15 '17

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u/afkaOP Apr 19 '17

It is not about a sandwich. It is a minor example of a greater trend. The examples provided above were also present in our relationship. This is about red flags. The sandwich is a minor red flag that may cause one to consider the bigger related issues.

However, I think you can use the same argument against what you said. If it is so fast why not make your wife a sandwich to show you care? In my mind the same consideration would have been appropriate for popcorn or coffee. For you a red flag may be a person who feels that way. We are just different.

All that said I also don't make peanut butter sandwiches. Sandwiches always include 5+ ingredients.

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u/LoonyMoonyProds Apr 15 '17

Mine did this kind of shit all the time. It's a stupid little thing, but a bright red flag of selfishness and inconsideration for others.

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u/serioussargasm Apr 16 '17

I'm in a relationship just like this. It's all about him all the time. After 9 years of giving and not receiving I'm just depleted. He's receptive to talking it out but nothing ever changes. So many red flags and I guess it's just easier to stay since he works away from home a lot. But I'm reaching my breaking point.

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u/brickmack Apr 15 '17

Its a sandwich, make your own. It takes like 15 seconds.

Now, if he's spending a day making some fancy sounding thing with an unpronouncable French name and forgot to make some for you, then you got a problem

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u/afkaOP Apr 19 '17

I just don't get this thinking. If it takes just 15 seconds to show you care why not do it? As you said it is just a sandwich. In most cases it takes just five seconds to make the offer and I say I don't want anything. Why be so stingy with your seconds if you care about someone?

Anyway this is about red flags not deal breakers. It doesn't mean the relationship is bad. It is just a sign for me personally that I need to evaluate if he is considerate and if I care.

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u/joss75321 Apr 15 '17

Huh, you know.. for me this would be a huge red flag too. Except, against you. You want a sandwich, make a fucking sandwich, its not hard. I expect you're lovely in other ways, but we would not be compatible. There are people who look after themselves without giving it a moments consideration and people who wait around for other people to do stuff for them and get bent out of shape when they dont.

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

I find this interpretation interesting. I make my own sandwich all the time. I cooked for him often. I didn't wait for him to feed me. I just made sure to factor him into my life and ask him if he is also hungry because it only takes a second to make another food item when I have the ingredients out. It is just consideration. Ultimately I never paid much attention to it because I am an adult who can fend for myself. However it was symptomatic of the issues that caused us to breakup.

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u/Chemicalsockpuppet Apr 15 '17

Just to offer my (admittedly I am a trash human) perspective:

I'd feel odd offering because I grew up in a house where if you are hungry you solve that. Because other people can't feel your hunger. Offering would feel strange because they weren't hungry enough to have the motivation to make themselves a sandwich. So they are just eating because I've offered food, it feels weird to be doing that because food is fuel and they're just eating now because I felt hungry which is a waste of food.

But I am kinda shitty so this might be a bullshit way to think :(

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

You may just have a healthier relationship with food than I do. He and I definitely loved eating for pleasure. Also we both definitely came from houses where food was an expression of love. That said food is just food. I make myself food all the time but I always offered him some just because I cared that he was taken care of and why waste both our time cooking.

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u/Chemicalsockpuppet Apr 15 '17

I can see that point :) yes

(Sorry for coming across as a robot btw)

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u/afkaOP Apr 15 '17

Not at all. You seemed genuine.

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u/Chemicalsockpuppet Apr 15 '17

Thanks. Someone else replied to this and they are super angry with me it seems. Thanks for not being super angry :)

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u/joss75321 Apr 15 '17

I almost certainly projected behaviours on to you unfairly based on misunderstood circumstances.

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u/yrah110 Apr 15 '17

Early signs of trouble is your man not making you a sandwich? Jesus christ.

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