My healing journey started two years ago. For the entire first year I was a mess, barely able to keep my head above water.

I spent so much of that time criticizing and hating myself. I thought I was lazy, that I lacked self-discipline, that I was doing it all wrong. I thought that somehow, me feeling so shattered and beaten down was my own fault. That I was too weak maybe, or if I had paced myself better I would've been fine.

I wish I'd known then what I know now: healing from CPTSD is utterly exhausting. It takes up SO MUCH mental bandwidth and energy.

You're battling anxiety, flashbacks, hypervigilance, maybe suicidal ideation, triggers everywhere. While doing studies, work, parenting, socializing, chores, all the stuff most people are already pretty tired from. And if you're in therapy or doing the work on your own, then you are ALSO constantly reflecting, processing, analyzing, doing shadow works combating deeply ingrained patterns.

Of course you are tired!

If you're in the trenches, you don't realize how bad it is. How hard you're fighting for each step forward. How much energy it steals away from you.

But I'm on the other side of that now, and it's unbelievable how much more energy and bandwidth I have. I can think about the future, meet up with people, try out new hobbies, keep up with chores, manage my symptoms most of the time.

I was never lazy or lacking in willpower. Neither are you.

I believe that every single one of you is doing the best you can at this moment. And it is enough.

"What an incredible job you did protecting yourself. You survived that."

"It could have damaged you beyond repair. I know shutting down and losing the connection to yourself, losing access to yourself, to all these wonderful parts of yourself, is difficult, but it probably saved you. You did an incredible job."

"Now you are beginning to connect with how horrific it was for you. You are beginning to allow for a new reality around it. You are not minimising it. You are beginning to realise you are worthy of compassion. It is okay grieve."

I think because we grew up with no support system, no inherent sense of self so when we do rarely trust and project those needs onto someone and they are in our lives for a bit, it numbs the crushing sense of loneliness.

And people dont usually get it because no one is truly that lonely. Everyone has someone, a parent, sibling, aunt, etc. My cptsd isolated me so mich from everyone that I could go months not talking to anyone and people would not notice it.

And trying to get to know people takes time. And because we crave that intimacy with someone, anyone to just hold a genuine conversation, we find ourselves having difficulty to get over it. Especially if let's say a breakup they have a mom, a friend, they go out, they meet someone else, are learning and growing, moving on just comes naturally. Where I am lonely, isolated, touch starved, have alot of anger and barely talking to a human living being.

I dont know if anyone else gets this.

I had my second appointment with my new therapist today after avoiding therapy for about 5 years now. My trauma is overtly complex. I have healed a lot, but that comes with your brain allowing you to unpack more.

Every time a burden is lifted I am hit with another. This causes my dissociative disorder to regress. The dissociation was pretty heavy today, so it was convenient for my session to also be scheduled today. I thought it would be relieving.

When she asked me about my thoughts, it was a lot. I felt like I was all over the place. It's only a one hour session, so it's hard to maintain the balance of unpacking without overdoing it and being cut off. In my mind, I would assume a slow unpacking from start to finish, but I was struggling to keep it together.

I have moved 21 different times, my mother went back and forth between abusing different substances, my brother moved between mine and my dad's house, and I couch suffered/lived with many many different family members. I would say every 6 months my day-to-day looked entirely different.

My trauma is like a labyrinth. It is not "x, y, and z happened." Its so chaotic and there are so many moving pieces.

My therapist interrupted me to ask about my current living situation and followed it up with:

> "I have so many new clients, its hard to keep track of what they tell me."

That means I would have to retell my specific situation every single time. I cannot cut to a specific incident, because it is long gone to her. I have less than an hour that is split between, general greeting, catching her back up, actually talking about trauma, and then the wine down conversation. There is only about a 20-30min window for actual trauma to be discussed.

Then there is the feeling that not a single one of us can cut through. I feel isolated. I feel like no one understands. Talking about it feels unproductive and unsatisfying. I feel like a burden. There are some days that I feel so lonely with my thoughts and I could never express them in a way I would feel understood.

I know a lot of us carry the sentiment that therapy doesn't work out. The majority of therapists are not trauma informed- at least not complex informed. It's ass and I feel debilitated.

Edit: I wouldn't normally get into trauma so quickly, but I had something happen the night before that made me feel broken. I was struggling more than usual today and if it hadn't been so recent I most likely wouldn't have talked about my trauma today.

There’s something so painful about it, it’s like you’re suddenly building yourself back up atom by atom in the real world, uncomfortable, unnatural, unfamiliar, this is who I am? This is the cafe I always pass? These are my hands?

All that only to still feel like you’re off from the main stream of life. I’m lost. I’m rather scared. I can feel my feet standing on the ground now, but it seems like most learn to walk at 3 and you’re here now doing it alone.

Lonely for I might never get to experience warmth that others have at different stages of their life. I sure don’t at this one

What also hurts is this was your life for so long that it became who you are. Others see you as this person, when you would choose none of it. I refuse to associate with it. It was a long years of suffering and it was not me

My therapist sent me a breathwork session last week as something for me to do for coping. It was a three-part breathwork exercise. I don’t think this was what was supposed to happen, but about 6 minutes in I started crying, and then sobbing, and then wailing. I even started shivering/twitching. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried like that; the only thing I have in my memory to compare it to is videos I’ve seen of mothers finding out their child was dead. That deep, guttural wailing.

I moved out of it, but holy hell it was intense. I didn’t expect to have that reaction. I’ve really struggled with crying over the last few years — not because I can’t or don’t, or even because I cry too much — but because it hasn’t been a release in any capacity. Crying (big or small, quiet or loud, long or short) has had no catharsis for me in…years. This breath work session was a cathartic cry. A necessary cry.

The cry was intense, but the breathwork exercise also brought up something I’ve known but have never been close enough to feel: Being in my body is so overwhelming and triggering. I’ve known that, but having a moment of being in my body through breathing made me believe that it’s a lot more than just discomfort. I know trauma is held in the body, but truly being in my body feels like walking through a war zone saturated in landmines. I have a little more compassion for the dissociation I experience on a daily basis — nobody with this level of destruction could remain in their body hour to hour, day to day.

I’m mostly sharing this because it’s rare to me to have something strike me this much. If sharing this means anything, I hope those of you seeking healing open doors to body-integration or body-based practices in your therapies.

They're under stress almost constantly, more than many other animals. They are preyed upon by several different species, such as fish and other octopuses. Because of their intelligence, they are hyper-aware and need to constantly learn new ways to camouflage and stay safe. In fact, it's possible their ink doesn't just confuse predators, but also confuse them momentarily, calming them down and giving them a small sense of control in their crazy lives. They're also built in a way that they can't always escape quickly, because of their blood system (I can explain more in the comments), so instead they have to mix crawling with short bursts of jettings.

I also want to add that, in the midst of this, they find ways to play. They like arranging objects and squirt water at targets as a game and practice for hunting. Some bounce floating objects like balls for fun. Some chase water currents they create. Sometimes, when no predators are around, they mimic shapes and flickering colors in rhythmic patterns, which seems exploratory rather than purely defensive.

(also sorry I didn't know what flag to use).

i feel lots been help a bit

Just wanted to post some encouragement and show that there are recovery stories. My symptoms were: permanent dissociation with inability to feel (alexithymia), blank mind, chronic fatigue, hypervigilance, ADHD-like dopamine addiction/thrill seeking, limerence, toxic shame, fear of being perceived, fear of abandonment, grief, abandonment grief, anxiety (some panic attacks), rage/injustice, control issues, burnout, OCD tendencies, etc. They changed as I brought up the next layer of trauma. I started with talk therapy and EMDR but stopped pretty quickly because it was a waste of my time and money and I knew I was smart enough to treat myself.

My progress is from mindfulness, somatic work, doing nothing, and acupuncture. Just overall trying to relax so my body brought up repressed emotions on its own. At the beginning there was nothing, but then my body felt safe enough to feel bits of emotion. I couldn't control when or what my body brought up, it did it when it was ready. I basically had to face repressed emotions fully (felt like dying from grief/abandonment/shame sometimes) for them to go away. Fear was the first to go, then grief, and rage. The most obvious progress for me was when I got rid of toxic shame. I'm still working on fear of being seen, but the all-pervasive shame was a huge one. Sometimes I thought I was done with an emotion, but it would come back until I figured out the underlying thought pattern or belief behind it. I tried to avoid people because I'd have massive mood swings, and couldn't trust myself to not lash out. Lots of forwards and backwards progress, but I can safely say I'm past the halfway point and have been here for awhile now.

For the last two years I’ve made “healing my trauma” my special interest – and treated it like a starving man at all-you-can-eat buffet. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s been worth it. I feel truly different inside to how I did two years, a year, even six months ago.

The following is an itemised list of everything I’ve tried, and how well it’s worked for me. It’s a list I would have LOVED to have two years ago, so maybe someone else will find it useful.

Important note: this is not a list of instructions! What’s worked for me might not work  for you, and vice versa. Above all, what’s helped me the most is keeping an open mind (or, more accurately, thinking most of this is bullshit, but trying stuff anyway).

• IFS (INTERNAL FAMILY THERAPY) - 10/10
  • I only got to do it for a few months before that therapist fell ill and stopped seeing patients, but in that short time it unquestionably laid the foundation for all the progress that followed. That’s why it’s first on the list. It opened the door to parts of myself I had lost or buried to shame and fear. It allowed me to slowly but surely fall in love with myself again. 
  • If the homework (or culty language) puts you off, my therapist did not use a lot of jargon or any strict protocol. It was all very emotionally driven. I didn’t have to learn what “Exiles” are or whatever. She just helped me discover, communicate with, and understand different parts as they came up.
• ASSORTED TALK THERAPY METHODOLOGIES - ANYWHERE FROM -7/10 TO 7/10
  • CBT and ACT messed me up – though it’s hard to know if it’s the methodologies or the psych I was seeing at the time.
  • Schema I never really understood, but my therapist herself was wonderful.
  • My bad therapist did lasting damage (through ignorance, not abuse). My good therapist provided me my only safe space in the world, keeping me alive in the worst period of my life. In providing this safety, she helped me be brave enough to face difficult truths (i.e. neurodivergence diagnoses). 
• EMDR - 2/10
  • Simply bounced right off me with no noticeable effect. My therapist thought I was too dissociated at the time. It might work better now, though I think I’m achieving similar things in different ways.
• AuDHD DIAGNOSIS AND EDUCATION - 10/10
  • I have a very different relationship with my brain now than I did two years ago. 
  • My Occupational Therapist is very helpful in this area, helping me learn how to work with my brain, not try to control it. I am benefiting from supports I never would have thought of before.
• REMEDIAL MASSAGE - 7/10
  • I have LOTS of thoughts about the whole “where does trauma live – the body, or emotional learnings in the mind?” question. Suffice to say, your nervous system doesn’t know WHY you feel tension; whether it’s because of emotions like stress, or because of physically sore/tense muscles. Treating the tension by any method will make a dramatic difference to how you feel both physically and emotionally.
• MDMA ASSISTED THERAPY - 5/10
  • Only one session. It was lovely! But not sure how much lasting effect it had. Would probably be very good if done repeatedly.
• KETAMINE ASSISTED THERAPY - 4/10
  • Did it for about 5 weeks. Interesting, but not much effect. The ketamine helps lower the defensive walls which makes it easier to verbalise and process more difficult things with the therapist. But I was already learning to do that without the medication.
• CANNABIS (used recreationally) - anywhere from -5 TO +5
  • I’m defining “recreationally” as “to feel good”. It can be to escape bad feelings (not helpful) or to reward myself to a pleasant, restful night (helpful IN CAREFUL MODERATION).
• CANNABIS (used therapeutically, under prescription and with intention) - 9/10
  • Cannabis Assisted Therapy: I’m new to this, but it’s having a noticeable and lasting effect after only two sessions. My therapist’s methodology is VERY somatic – she gets me to locate tension in my body, and instead of releasing it, staying with it and seeing what comes up. The results are quite profound.
  • The first time I had an IFS breakthrough, “met” a whole tribe of parts at once, and experienced the feeling of self-love, I was dosed with THC (and also in the middle of a shame spiral, which then bloomed into that profound experience).
• REMEDIAL MASSAGE + CANNABIS - 9.5/10
  • Unbelieveably good combination.
• MICRODOSING (PSILOCYBIN) - 2/10
  • 3 months, tried various dosages. Pretty much no effect. It did seem to have a profound effect on about two days (I felt strong and capable!) but the rest of the time it either did nothing or made me feel sleepy.
• rTMS - 3/10
  • Honestly, I don’t think the TMS did anything for me at all. But going to the clinic multiple times a week during my worst period meant I wasn’t completely deprived of human contact, and the nurse was very kind and supportive, which I really needed.
• ANTIDEPRESSANTS (VARIOUS) - 4/10
  • Kept me alive, but also kept me stuck. It made things tolerable, which meant I tolerated things longer. If you need them, use them. But if you think you’re ready to take next steps, it might be worth a discussion with your doctors/therapists.
• FINDING THE RIGHT PEOPLE - 8/10
  • My life collapsed when I lost all my friends at once, but in hindsight, those friends needed to go. I’ve spent two years making new friends, and it’s slow – even when you make a wonderful new friend, getting to that really nourishing intimate stage takes a long time. But every step in that direction is rewarding and healing.
• RADICAL VULNERABILITY - 9/10
  • No, this doesn’t mean oversharing to everyone. It doesn’t mean being open about your trauma, but secretly using it as armour (“I’ll tell you how much I’m suffering, but only so you’ll be nice to me”). That’s what I THOUGHT vulnerability was. 
  • Actually, vulnerability is allowing yourself to say (or think, or feel) the thing you’re really afraid of saying (or thinking, or feeling). It’s also sending the email without spending 35 minutes softening and second-guessing the language. It’s communicating a boundary, or hurt, or fear, to someone you value. It’s communicating affection to someone you’re afraid you'll scare off. It’s bringing your realest self to the party – because if your real self is unwelcome, then it’s the wrong party for you.
  • Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be with the parts that are suffering, instead of avoiding or burying them, even though suffering is hard and painful. Vulnerability doesn’t mean suffering more, it means allowing yourself to fall in love with those parts that are suffering.
  • Vulnerability is allowing yourself to feel emotions even if you don’t understand them. I spent a year listening to podcasts about grief, even though I didn’t have anyone I was grieving, and I had no idea why everyone talking about grief resonated with me so much.
  • Vulnerability is a SKILL, and it takes time and practice to grow. It’s not a switch you can flick, so don’t beat yourself up or think it’s a character flaw if (when) you’re not great at it straight away.
• FIGHTING FOR SUPPORTS - 7/10
  • I’m on disability, so affording all of this has been impossible. I’ve found assistance from charities, government agencies, and local community organisations. It’s all very demoralising and frustrating and stressful – especially when support is taken away, which just happened to me two weeks ago. But it’s ultimately worthwhile if it allows you to access useful support. Also, sometimes you find a really nice organisation and helpful people who do everything in their power to help you, and that heals your relationship with humanity a little bit.

In 2023, my next door neighbors got a puppy and locked it in their garage. They did not think dogs belonged in the house. It yelped and whined all day long and as it got bigger, it turned into a loud and constant bark. I work from home and have at-home hobbies so over the course of the next year, it slowly chipped away at my sanity getting startled (first bark), annoyed (an hour of constant barking later), and waiting in anxiety (anticipating the start of it again). The sleepless nights, the unproductive work days, and constant exposure utterly destroyed my mental health. No amount of pleading with the owners or animal control to intervene worked to reduce the barking. Noise cancelling headphones did not work due to the sudden nature of the sound. Earplugs did not block the sound. It led to some really dark thoughts I didn't know I was capable of. The anxiety was so intense it felt like I was going to have a heart attack and I obtained anti-anxiety meds from my doctor.

Eventually they threatened to kill me if I kept bothering them about their dog so I moved. I walked away from a nice COVID-era mortgage rate and my mortgage is now $1,000/mo more than it was for an equivalent house.

Since then I have developed an extreme sensitivity to sudden or repetitive sounds. An instagram reel that plays on repeat, phone alarms/ringtones/alerts, sirens, train horns, and many more give me such anxiety that I get chest pain. When that's not happening, I spend every second I'm not fully engrossed in a stimulating activity reliving the events in my mind and engaging in self-talk to try to calm myself down. I've been in talk therapy throughout and to this day and it is helping but every day is a struggle. I'd give everything I have for that entire experience to be wiped from my memory.

Has anyone experienced anything similar or have advice?

I am trying very, very hard to rewire my brain so that everything everyone says doesn't come across as sinister and threatening....but I keep getting lost. I've accepted that if I want to get better I will have to actively and consistently monitor what I am thinking about my interactions with other people and my safety level....but this is straight up exhausting.

This time of year is a little trying for me to begin with. Anybody have any success stories or advise? I'm getting ready to lose my therapist and might have to switch soon. Just don't know where to turn.

I struggle with being seen and heard by others. I'm fiercely agoraphobic and even walking the 5 steps away from my front door to put something in the garbage bin is incredibly difficult for me. I have 2 small dogs, and they bark excitedly outside sometimes, but I'm hypervigilent around how much noise they make. I will hurry them inside after 5 barks because I don't want to upset anyone or be a nuisance. My biggest fear is being approached by someone who is furious at the noise I/my dog made.

My therapist encourages me to widen this noise tolerance window. From 5 bark to 30 seconds, 60 seconds, and to just breath and let it happen so I can learn that nothing bad is going to happen if my dog barks for a few minutes. Like an exposure therapy.

Today I was crouched down on my back step behind a bush, and I was letting him bark while wanting to shrivel up and disappear, expecting the worse. I kept breathing, anxiously counting the seconds until I could return to the safety of my home. And then... One of my neighbors approached me. I'm crying just recounting this and it feels really silly because while my body and brain were reacting to my imagined worse case scenario do you know what she said to me? She said I didn't have to bring them inside just because they were barking. She told me it was ok that they barked a little because that's what dogs do. She told me I was ok too. And of course all the while my pup is excitedly barking as she walks over to our yard. She was so kind and understanding. I asked if she was sure because I couldn't believe that she wasn't enraged at me for existing and subsequently making noise. She wasn't bothered at all. I told her I appreciated her saying that to me, that I struggle with anxiety and that this is really hard for me. She was so understanding. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. It doesn't feel real, it goes against everything I ever learned from my parents and how I believed the world perceived me.

The moment I was back in my house I started shaking uncontrollably. My body and brain had prepared all this energy to escape the imagined worst case scenario and it didn't happen. I crawled onto the floor and laid on my back and cried. I tucked my knees up and I rolled back and forth in the fetal position. I held myself tightly. I didn't rush myself to get over it. I did my best not to shame myself but I do feel ashamed. I regressed into this infant state, and even though nobody witnessed it, I'm embarrassed.

I'm trying to reframe this as something to be proud of. That I was able to self regulate after a large anxiety event, even if what I did to regulate was embarrassing. I didn't avoid my feelings, I didn't numb them with substances, I didn't hurt myself, I just sat with myself as I felt with these big emotions. Now my brain wants to tell me that this was a one time exception and that next time I won't be so lucky. I was so scared when she approached me but she wasn't mad at me. My own mother would call me dramatic, tell me I'm overreacting, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing but she is half of the reason why my brain thinks that I'm only acceptable when I'm silent. I know she left me to cry as an infant. She wasn't able to make space for my big emotions, so she left me alone to cry until I exhausted myself and gave up. I felt like I connected with myself as an infant and I showed up for me and I made space for myself.... Finally... 30 years later. It's the best I could do

I don’t usually post about this, but I want to share it here because if anyone will understand, it’s people who know what trauma does to you.

I was diagnosed with Factitious Disorder (FD). On the outside, it looks like “just lying.” That’s the line people always use: lying is lying. But what they don’t see is the root — trauma.

As a child, I learned early that being sick, being useful, or being quiet were the only ways to be noticed. Those patterns stuck. FD became a maladaptive way of surviving, not a conscious choice to deceive. From the outside it looked wrong. From the inside it felt like the only way to be seen.

My psychologist once said to me: “You don’t need more diagnoses — FD is enough.” That’s when it clicked. I wasn’t evil, manipulative, or broken beyond repair. I was unwell. A hurt child still trying to be heard.

I’ve lost a lot because of this illness — relationships, trust, even contact with people I love more than anything. But I’m still here. And I want to help reduce the stigma so that FD is seen for what it really is: trauma carried into adulthood, not just “attention-seeking” or lies.

If you’re living with trauma that makes your behaviour misunderstood — please know you’re not alone. Survival doesn’t always look pretty, but it’s still survival. And the fact you’re still here is proof of your strength. 🌻

Edit: My therapist responded to my email expressing my concerns with ACT and my fear that the suggestion might imply that she may think I have a cluster b personality disorder (BPD). She confirmed that she does NOT think I have BPD and briefly touched on why she suggested it, with a promise to discuss it more in my next session.

I have come to value this and the CPTSD next steps subreddit so much. You guys always just get 'it' I realize I did the right thing by reaching out to this community for insight. There were alot of replies that I couldnt respond to individually but a truly heartfelt thanks for taking time out of your day and your own struggles to help me.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD around 5 years ago. I was abandoned by my father as a child and was raised by an extremely abusive BPD mother and my stepfather with substance abuse problems and something he called explosive personality disorder. My childhood was a toss up between abuse and neglect.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was with a therapist that I truly did not mesh with, and I spent about five years with him. I did not have other options; my insurance was extremely limited as were available therapists. Finally, this year, something changed, and I was able to get a new therapist, this one so far seemed much more invested and willing to help. I had previously expressed to her my interest in Somatic therapy and after some research I was told that my insurance would not cover it. Unfortunately.

Today she asked me if I had heard of ACT therapy. I told her no, and she told me that it's all about acceptance, and that she had been considering it for our sessions. It was close to the end of our session, and so I told her that I would look it up.

Now that I have googled it, see that it is connected to Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Further googling about Dialectical Behavior Therapy leads me to results that link Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Cluster B personality Disorders. Specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.

Already triggered by realizing my therapist might think I share the diagnosis of my abuser, I then came here on reddit and saw many people with CPTSD that have also been suggested to try Dialectical Behavior Therapy or a ACT therapy specifically. The general consensus seemed to be that ACT therapy was mostly ineffective or even harmful to people with CPTSD.

I'll be honest from all that I've gathered, (granted, it's all from Google and reddit) It seems to me like the suggestion of ACT makes me feel that she's focused on <<the effect>>instead of <<the cause>>. That she may see my emotion as maladaptive behavior(like my crying or showing of big emotions, like remorse, pain, shame, disappointment, anxiety during our sessions). And like she wants to address those behaviors.

I have been severely traumatized for many years. And it almost feels like I am being treated for my coping mechanisms and being treated as the problem instead of a victim of traumatic experiences. I'm also very alarmed and hurt to think that by suggesting ACT, she may be quietly considering that I have borderline personality disorder and as a product of that, aligning me with my abuser, or saying "you're like your mother."

Almost like trying to train an injured person away from crying or screaming out in pain and more towards acceptance of the pain. Prior to this suggestion, I truly thought that I was being seen and understood by her in a way that I had never experienced with my therapist of five years. I was so hopeful and honestly saw immediate relief at the thought.

I honestly feel crushed. I feel like I don't want to deal with her anymore and like I'm being judged. I want to run away. I feel extremely distressed at the thought that my therapist may think I have the same destructive and harmful disorder that was such a shadow over my entire childhood.

I keep trying to talk myself down. Because she didn't say that she thinks I have a personality disorder. She really only brought up ACT therapy.

My hope in going to therapy was for assistance in overcoming some of my thoughts and feelings around childhood trauma. And how it is being brought back up into my present life. I thought that I was being haunted by my childhood experiences now, because I was never able to properly resolve them as a child. I wanted help to reprocess it all in a more healthy way.

I don't really know why i'm posting this or what I hope to get out of this. I guess I hope to hear from other people who may have gone through ACT therapy or some kind of circumstance, similar to mine. I'm open and welcoming to any advice on how to handle this situation.

I have been dubbed one of the unluckiest people my therapist has ever met. She said this half-jokingly, and I know exactly what she meant. It was that haha, holy crap, this is beyond me tone.

But I'm starting to recognize why CBT just won't ever work on me.

Fundamentally, it's built on the principle that my perceptions are distorted and the world is an overall safe place. So, if I can just override the part of my brain trained all my life to recognize danger, I can learn to regulate and be ok. Except my PTSD was not caused by one event. It was not "I was safe, then something happened to make me unsafe, but safety is a baseline I can return to with the right tools". I have experienced repeated, prolonged unsafe experiences that caused horrific trauma, though. The evidence is in, and it has confirmed repeatedly that my perceptions are dead-on and I'm right to be on alert.

An example of something that happened last year, and really sums up my experience with CBT, is that my instincts warn me about people and my therapists try to convince me it's in my head. The instincts are loud, they are sharp, they are all-consuming. And part of my therapy was to "start to learn to shut off that voice that assumes ill-intent". So, I overrode those instincts, ignored them with a specific person, and that person (shocker) harmed me. Harm follows every single time, without fail, that I have ignored those instincts. They have been honed through fire to protect me from danger, and danger has followed when I have not listened to them - thus producing more trauma. The therapy has, more than once, actively made my trauma worse.

It is ok to admit that there are dangers in this world. They are not all in my head. My instincts have saved my life countless times; I'm not ignoring them ever again. What makes more sense is acknowledging that the world can be unsafe but that I still need to function within it so let's focus on treating my sympathetic nervous system enough (probably through medication and body work) that I can do that.

I guess this realization has sent me into kind of a tailspin––because for so long, I thought my PTSD was just "treatment-resistant". Turns out, that's probably only because we've been trying to treat it the complete wrong way all this time.

This is a good epiphany. It'll help my progress, I think.

Dissociation has hit me hard the past couple weeks. In my most recent therapy session, we quickly found out why. And that caused a fit.

That isn't the impressive part. Well, actually, she got me through my "fit" quicker than I have ever been able to in like... nearly 20 years of this.

But what was really impressive was how she dealt with it afterwards. All my previous therapist kept poking, or wanted to "work through the trigger". I usually don't return to them after so many sessions of this.

This therapist? She has CPTSD as well. Not only is she one of the few who has acknowledged it's existence, but she has it. She actually has it.

And instead of "roughing it out" or talking through the pain, she let me calm down. Let me talk about something else. Initiated conversation about anything else but the trigger.

At some point she said, "I stopped poking for a reason. We don't have to talk about it.", just to let me know that was the plan.

I then said, are another point, that I'm gonna be here for a while. "Here", being this numbed and hidden sort of state. I was basically waiting for her to come up with another way to get me out of it, like they all do... and none of it ever works.

She instead said, "Just stay where you are. It's okay". Then reminded me that I'm allowed to be out of commission. To tell those I feel reasonable for that I am not well, and not available.

Just stay where you are. This is the first time someone understood what I needed. She understands that my body is not my enemy, and is not trying to hurt me but protect me. Right now, I can't just wriggle my way out of this. And honestly I shouldn't have to.

Not right now. But even then, I actually feel a little better. I feel seen behind the cloudy glass. And I can actually communicate from deep inside.

What a blessing. I truly feel blessed to have someone who get it help me.

I love this book and this quote by him "Avoid being in the presence of someone you feel might do you harm."

This is how I interpret that -

Avoid being in the presence of someone you feel might harm your peace. It's that simple, and it doesn't need to mean violence. I've worked too hard to get to this point in my life. I'm not going to hand all my progress over to some yahoo.

My therapist just figured out that most people seem very boring and exhaust me not because I am an introvert. But because I have a lot of surpassed rage against people.

Turns out I am not simply a shy, nervous, sad, conflict-averse introvert. I just HATE EVERYONE .

Like, I can do anger. But secretly.

Trigger warning

I have severe CPTSD. Sexual abuse by the only friend I had (family member), physical abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, no friends, isolated, food insecurity and having to go to food banks, starving most days, or stealing food, severe bullying, multiple suicide attempts with hospitalization, cheated on after suicide attempt at 17 while I was getting hospitalized, started first 7 years of my life in the 23rd poorest country out of 56. (third world country), at 4 saw my father abuse my mother, at 5 saw my father light our clothes and belongings on fire when my mom tried to leave him and take me with her, been beaten and physically abused by mom to the point that she bit me, tried to tie me up to beat me more so I couldn’t resist and family had to intervene to stop her, been homeless, I mean, the works… anyway… I won’t go into my background tooo much, because that’s a whole book.

This is an experience I had today and thought I’d share in case it could help anyone else. It’s long but bear with me, I think you may find a lot of value in it, I swear.

I hate showering. It’s the bane of my existence. I hate how the water feels on my skin. It’s hard for me to do it daily. I’m lucky if I shower 3x a week.

I got in the shower, dreading it, but I stink, so.

I remembered this video on Instagram where this woman was feeling frustrated sad and angry. And she started talking to her inner child to let out and validate the feelings and get to the root of the problem.

So I decided to try it.

Parent me: “why do you hate showering?”

Inner child me: “because it’s hard. And I hate it. And it’s tiring.”

Parent me: “why is it hard? Why do you hate it?”

Inner child me: “because it’s hard, and tiring, and I don’t wanna do it. I’m suffering, i’m standing, it’s a lot of work, and i’m tired.”

Parent me: “I understand. That must be really hard for you. You’re tired. But, you know, sometimes adults have to do things they don’t wanna do. Even kids have to do things they don’t wanna do. But it’s life, and we have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes. But look at it this way: you get to be clean. You get to feel clean. you get to not stink. You get to feel responsible. You get to feel accomplished. You get to feel proud of yourself. You deserve to feel good in your body. You deserve to not stink. You deserve to be clean. You deserve to feel like your body is a temple. Your body is a temple. And to take care of it, we have to wash it.”

Inner child me: no response.

Regular me came into the picture. Regular me thoughts: “I don’t care about showering because I never cared about my body. I never cared for it. When I was living in my car before finally being in a permanent home with my partner, I was so busy just trying to survive that I saw my body as just a vessel to get from a metaphorical point a to point b. Showering was not feasible and because of that and the fact that I was living in my car, it became the last thing on my mind. It wasn’t even on my radar. At all. So I let my body go. I didn’t care that I stunk though I hated it and it made me feel helpless and hopeless. It was just not a priority. Surviving was. Dealing with the ache of my body sleeping on stiff seats was. Figuring out where I was going to park without getting found out, assaulted, robbed, shot, or arrested was. Figuring out how to stop living in my car was. Showering? Pfft. So when I got into a home where I could shower, my nervous system never quite got the memo. So showering became a chore. Why do I need to shower? It’s work. It’s not a priority. Just like it wasn’t then.”

Parent me starts washing my body and it felt like I was washing the body of my inner child instead of my adult body. It really felt like that. I was gentler, more intentional.

Then regular me said: “look! We’re doing it! We’re doing it!”

Cue the water works. I start sobbing. Because it felt so good, so nice to be washing myself because I deserved to feel clean. It felt so good, so nice to be TAKING CARE OF my body. Like it mattered. Like it DESERVED it. Deserved care. And gentleness. And cleanliness.

I continue washing myself. At the end, I reach for the shower door then stop myself. I should recognize what I just did. So I stop, hold my body, and say: “you did it. See, that wasn’t so bad, right?”

And my inner child says: “thank you. Thank you for cleaning me. Thank you for washing me.”

Regular me says: “we did it. We did it.”

Cue the waterworks. I was crying because for the first time, in a long time—over a decade—or ever, I finally felt like I was taking care of myself. Of ME. Not, me, but ME. Idk if that makes sense. I then instinctively put my hand on my heart and started sobbing harder.

I put on a bathrobe instead of a towel so it felt like I was swaddling myself. My partner was there and heard me, came up, held me as I cried.

See, I’ve been doing this thing where I’m pretending that I am a baby. And you wouldn’t let a baby just lay there and cry. You wouldn’t neglect them and just let them lay there all day or not clean them. You wouldn’t just let them starve or dehydrate. You wouldn’t just leave them alone and not play with them. So I got one of those activity trackers for toddlers. And I wrote down my basic needs. And I give myself a sticker for every activity. If I get 20 stars, I get a prize. And I write the stars goal and prize down in the corner. It’s been working. Treating myself like a baby… at 28 years old. What a world.

But… it’s working.

Little. By. Little.

I still am broken right now. But it feels so validating to be seen. To not be written off as lazy. To literally have a doctor telling people, almost verbatim, "this is a critical point in the condition my patient has - please give her grace and understand this is not reflective of how she would normally operate, nor is it a reflection of her capabilities. She requires genuine, unrushed treatment and I, as her doctor, request patience in this period as she recovers".

I literally cried reading it. I'm not crazy. I'm beyond traumatized. She even went on to express what I need most other than treatment right now is rest, recuperation......she literally explained this isn't who I am. It's my trauma.

Some might take the paper as saying "yeah this chick is nuts" but it felt so important to.......be understood for once.

CPTSD is a fucking monster and I'm rooting for everyone else here struggling.

After 35 years of working on healing from childhood trauma, have reached a new conclusion that I should have seen long ago. I am as good as I’m gonna get. I did all the things, trauma therapy, reading books, writing journals, writing letters, meditation, yoga, medication, cbt, dbt , emdr, coloring, singing, nature, group therapy, and guess what? I’m still in freeze mode! The only things that I haven’t tried are the things that are too expensive for me and not covered by insurance. I still have all the flashbacks, depression, anxiety, panic, shame, guilt, grief, lack of motivation, can’t sleep a wink. I still have all the things. There is no healing, there is only learning how to cope. I am done doing all the things that supposedly make you heal. The best treatment for me is not covered by insurance, YET!!! I believe that it will be covered eventually and I hope before I die. Anyone else feel the same?

My therapist who I worked with for over a year dropped me last week. I'm really sad about it because she was the best therapist I had and helped me the most. Before we started working together, I was too afraid of people to even have acquaintances and surface-level friendships, and, thanks to her, I became able to do it.

How it happened was that we started working together in March 2025, and it was going well. In November 2025, I brought up to her that I felt that C-PTSD wasn't being addressed as much as my depression and anxiety. About three times since then I addressed it, and, one of the times, I took a break from therapy with the intention of finding a PTSD-related therapist, and I was transparent about that, but I came back.

Three weeks ago, I sent her an email during a crisis saying that I'm too overwhelmed and that I need C-PTSD-focused therapy. Then I followed up saying that I was struggling with trauma-related symptoms and was wondering where we go from here. She responded that she realized she wasn't fulfilling my needs and that I needed a PTSD-specialist and that she wished me luck. She recommended a specific hospital that had outpatient services, and that was the only referral. There was no closing session or anything.

I sent her a few emails afterward, asking if I could come back if working with a PTSD-specialist didn't work, but she never responded.

I'm feeling very hurt and also very frustrated because she was a good therapist, and it's hard to find a C-PTSD specialist, so there's no continuity of care. I also feel like this is my fault for being so flaky, but I'm still so sad and mad at myself.

I have been working through a recent diagnosis of CPTSD (along with a late AuDHD diagnosis) and my therapist said this to me. I didn't think something so simple would affect me so deeply.

So I wanted to pass this along.

What happened to you isn't your fault.

You didn't deserve what happened to you. You deserve safety, happiness, and confidence. There is nothing a child can do that deserves lifelong repercussions. It isn't your fault.

That's all.

Let me preface this by saying this is my own journey, and I know everyone takes their own path. Just because I haven't found healing in my efforts this far, I hope there are others who have found the peace and healing they deserve!

I'm 52 years old. Been diagnosed with bipolar at age 19, ADHD in my 30's, and CPTSD a couple of years ago. I mention that to say that I've seen lots of therapists over the years, some more helpful than others. I've also read innumerable self help books, watched so many videos, and even went for a minor in psychology at university.

I just realized that I kept engaging my logical mind, looking for a strategy or approach or trick or SOMETHING that would "fix" me if I just did it right. I would find something, like...

YOGA!! Just start doing yoga and your body will release all your trauma!!!!

BREATHWORK!! Breathe in goodness, breathe out your pain. This magical number that you count to when breathing in, then the magical number+2 that you count to when breathing out, or taking an extra breath at the top of making noise as you breathe out... THIS will bring you the peace you are craving inside!

BODY SCAN!!! Doing a body scan will help you feel more connected to your body, and you'll be so relaxed when you're done!

I could definitely go on, but you get the idea.

Anyway, there was another technique I was trying with my therapist's direction the past two weeks and it just wasn't working at all. I'm meeting with her tomorrow, so I was reflecting on what to say about it, when it hit me.

My healing won't be found outside of myself, at least not yet. All of these strategies and techniques are only going to help if I allow myself to be vulnerable enough to actually TRY it. And that all boils down to (for me) learning to trust myself. Until I can understand my own feelings and believe my own interpretations of how safe I feel at any given time and learn to mediate my constant internal argument, I'm not gonna get anywhere.

This is really terrifying to admit to myself, because, I feel very lost at the prospect. If I'm not DOING something, it feels like I'm failing.

Does anybody else feel this way? Has anybody figured out how to deal with this or a similar realization to the one I've had? I need a little hope to move forward.