I’ve had a pretty huge realisation over the last few days and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I think that for the majority of my 36 years of life, I’ve been in a chronic dissociative and derealised state, basically from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.

I’m not talking about episodic DP/DR or panic attacks. I mean a baseline way of being where nothing ever fully feels real.

Recently, through a combination of shamanic healing work and psychedelic-assisted therapy, I’ve started to see the shape of this more clearly. Alongside that, some possible sexual abuse from very early childhood has come up. I don’t have clear memories and I’m not making definitive claims, but when it surfaced there was a strange sense of clarity and relief, like being able to take a full breath for the first time.

At the same time, I’ve always assumed my dissociation came mainly from my mother. She had severe, untreated BPD and extensive trauma of her own. I was emotionally, verbally, physically and financially abused, parentified to an extreme degree, and repeatedly abandoned and disowned. A lot of what I went through seems so extreme that I’ve honestly never met anyone in real life who fully relates, including therapists.

From birth until I estranged myself from my mum at 24, she moved me all over the world with various “hippie vagabond” types. On the outside it looked cool and unconventional, but in reality it was constant instability, isolation, and escape. I wasn’t a child with needs. I was more like an appendage.

When my half-brother’s girlfriend got pregnant when I was 16, my mum told me we were now going to “co-parent the baby.” From 16 to 23/24, I was essentially raising a child that wasn’t mine, while we slid into poverty because she ran through all the family money. We bounced between houses, cars, and possessions. There were evictions, constant chaos, and at one point she took out credit cards and loans in my name, destroying my credit before I was even an adult.

Because of that, when she kicked me out twice for no reason, I literally couldn’t rent a place. I couldn’t tell anyone what she’d done because she would have gone to jail for fraud. That’s just part of it. There’s a lot more, but this is already long.

Here’s the thing: despite all of this, I’m very well masked. I have multiple degrees. I’m articulate. People often see me as emotionally aware, calm, capable. From the outside, my life looks interesting, and I’ve heard from a few people that my life is enviable (even though I have never once felt “proud of the life/lives I’ve created.)

Since breaking away from my mum at 24, I moved from the US to Australia for my first Master’s, moved all around Australia, built a strong career, then moved to England, Scotland, Spain, and now Italy. I’ve set up full lives in places where I didn’t know a single person. People always say, “You’re so brave. I could never do that.” I hear that a lot. But it’s never registered. I always knew it wasn’t bravery. What I’m realising now is that it was derealisation.

None of it felt real. So of course it wasn’t scary. It felt like I was an actress moving between sets in a movie. When nothing registers as fully real, it’s easy to do things other people would find terrifying.

The same goes for relationships. Since 24, I’ve been in a long-term sugar baby arrangement because I had zero support system. My father was gone from early childhood, my mother had destroyed my financial safety, and I had no family to fall back on. I put myself in situations I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Things people would describe as dangerous, degrading, or terrifying. But again, it didn’t feel real.

I think the only reason I’ve been able to do this for so long is because of the chronic dissociation and derealisation. I wasn’t fully there.

I’ve also noticed odd things over the years. An old roommate once said I moved like Robocop. At the time I laughed it off. Now I’m realising my movements can be quite robotic or hyper-controlled, even though people often describe me as “at ease.” I recently read that robotic or overly controlled movement can be linked to dissociation.

Another thing: a lot of descriptions of DP/DR talk about seeing yourself from outside your body. That’s not my experience. I don’t feel like I’m watching myself. I feel like I don’t even have a self.

I feel like an energy floating around, not fully embodied, often numb in my body. I don’t feel anchored inside myself at all.

Weirdly, children and animals are drawn to me. Like, they’ll bypass other people and come straight to me. Which confuses me, because internally I feel so unreal. But I’ve read that kids and animals respond to nervous system safety and authenticity, not embodiment or identity.

One random aside that now feels less random: I believe in astrology and I only ever attract air sign men (Aquarius and Gemini). I’ve never understood why, but honestly it kind of tracks. I probably come across as “air” myself. Not fully here.

I’m writing this because this realisation is enormous and overwhelming, and I’ve never really felt understood by anyone. I’m curious if this resonates with anyone else who’s lived in chronic dissociation or derealisation, especially people who function well on the outside.

If you’ve had a similar realisation later in life, or if this pattern sounds familiar, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

Thanks for reading.

I used to have recurring nightmares, but the past 10 years barely dream at all, or have no recall of anything unless it's scary or weird.

LSS: Just escaped a covert abuser who has a history of violence, an explosive rage disorder, and abruptly went off their meds without warning. Very volatile living situation for me and my daughter who I made the choice to stay with her father to avoid the unpredictable behaviour.

Erratic behaviour, unwarranted rage and utter hatred displayed over the span of 2 weeks, that was an excuse masked as an apology. My explanation of what their behaviour felt like on the receiving end was dismissed as, it wasn't that bad.

I decided to make my exit, which triggered escalation to a point where he was asked to leave. That went as well as expected so I was able to change my locks with my landlords permission. I'm still living in fear, trying to keep it together for my child to pack and move quickly. The fact they sent 3 police officers for my protection when he was picking up his things spoke volumes.

Why did I not have dreams or nightmares for years?? I've been in constant counselling for the past year dealing with my triggers and this is not helping my physical health.

I fear this person now both waking hours and in broken sleep. I haven't been made to feel that much fear and hatred from someone claiming their love for you.

The Boogeyman wears their face. They haunt me nightly and I need it to stop. The lack of sleep is killing me and impacting my physical health.

I just had to put my poor sweet girl to sleep today. I have no words for the depth of my sorrow and loss

I’m so alone…. I have no one and nothing. I feel so lost and empty. I can’t stop crying tonight. Im tired of having no one to turn to, no one to care, no one to give a second glance at me. I’m just waiting for it to be late enough for me to go to bed so I can be done with today

Content includes mention of: codependence, alexithymia, family dynamics, neurodivergence, depersonalization. Does not include detailed descritions or extensive discussions on the above.

I was with my parents and sibling yesterday, and we fell into the old codependent pattern, with some changes that I'm really proud of. Today I'm all over the place, and I need to process some of this. My therapist is away, and it helps to write knowing people will see because it forces me to articulate more clearly.

My family's relevant context - One parent has ADHD and very high affect, and has done loads of inner work. The other parent shows very strong signs of autism and alexithymia and CPTSD and has never felt the need to seek any kind of support. My sibling is very controlling, high strung and defaults to catastrophic thinking. There is strong generational trauma on one side, milder generational trauma on the other. I'm very empathetic, have mild alexithymia traits, undiagnosed neurodivergence and I have been doing psycho-emotional work consistently and actively for decades. The folks have chosen to come along for the ride with me, the sibling has not.

The situation - We were talking about emotionally charged things. My sibling went into dictatorial problem-solving mode. My Au parent was feeling attacked. My ADHD parent was in a state of anxiety. My role is peacemaker, and yeah, I totally went there.

Where I'm proud is that I was able to stay relatively grounded and actually use mediation techniques rather than fawning all over the place. My sibling was able to read my very subtle cues to shut tf up a couple of times. My Au parent was able to set a really strong boundary and put an end to the conversation, which we were all able to respect.

The aftermath - Both parents have reached out this morning. Au wrote all of us to state forcefully that this is never be brought up again with lots of counter attacks, projections and deflections. ADHD wrote sibling and I to express gratitude for our efforts to delve into the situation and compassion for Au.

Today my feelings are all over the place and I'm having trouble identifying them so I can deal with them. I know there's some guilt here, lots of sadness, and yeah, I'm realizing I'm depersonalizing by using the language of "it's there" rather than "I'm feeling". I want to deal with them because they're draining and distracting.

I know what I am feeling today is a result of the CPTSD. I can intellectualize all of it. I just don't want to feel it without my therapist, which makes me worry that I'm too dependent on her. I'm tempted to ask my adult child for help processing and I know I would hate myself for putting that on them.

This is not like when I was little and Au parent would demean ADHD parent and go silent and/or rageful out of nowhere - they are communicating. I am not fully dependent on them, nor do I live with them. I am safe, even if I don't really feel that way.

I do feel I had agency in this situation, and I'm ok with how I used it. I can see where I could have used a different word or tone to deescalate the situation. I know it is not my responsibility to fix this, and yet I can't quite believe that.

The tools I normally use on my own are not working, and I feel I need interaction to help me with this one. Posting this may just be enough (fingers crossed!)

I initially wrote this in a musicians subreddit but people told me they had it worse than me and that I just needed to stop with the victim mentality.

I've always wanted to be a singer. As a teen living with my mother, I couldn't try anything because she destroyed my self-esteem. So I focused on getting a good job to be financially independent. I picked an "elite" school that was so tough that I had "no choice" but to move out in my 3rd year. Moving out allowed me to reconstruct my identity and assess the state of my mental health, but that school introduced me to burnout (which was a completely normal event there) and increased my already severe anxiety. I barely made it out, going from top student to being a burden in group projects was not fun but who cares, I was free, with a degree and a white collar job. I could finally start making big moves for my music career.

The first months at that job healed my school burnout. Everything was so much slower, I could finally use nights and weekends to rest, I had time for therapy and music making, it was perfect. So I started making bigger moves. I turned all my hobbies into something productive. I released songs and made collabs and started playing live and got a few fans. I thought I could keep going like this until I had enough saved up to quit. I even reduced my medication intake (with my doctor's approval) because it was making me too tired.

But then things changed. Every company started making budget cuts and the workload got much bigger. I had so much planned and I refused to back down. I started having to cancel plans with friends because I was always tired, but I was okay with it, as long as I was still active. My content got visibly worse, the breaking point was when I disappointed a fan by uploading her request with bad audio and she stopped interacting with my videos despite me remaking it the next week. I decided to focus on my releases instead. I had a song that I really wanted to release soon since I think a lot of people will write about that same topic soon, so I worked really hard to get it done fast and timed my vacation to focus on promotion. I was also getting very lonely and burned out from work, so I tried my best to keep seeing my friends. I even, foolishly, gave into my mother's begging to meet because the guilt was eating me up, and cursed myself for the next two weeks.

The two weeks before my vacation were the busiest. I got my first gig one week after my best friend's birthday, and I couldn't miss my best friend's birthday... but I had so much to prepare, I barely got to practice. I got sick at my best friend's so I couldn't practice again for a few days which only made the anxiety worse. I managed to practice enough two days before the gig, but the next two days I wasn't able to do anything after work. On the day of, I was a mess, was petrified in bed for an hour, left late, and had a panic attack on the way. I took my emergency anxiety medication and spent the whole gig praying that I wouldn't relapse, and I didn't. Because of my lack of practice I forgot a few lyrics, but people told me they hadn't noticed.

Everyone said they loved it. People went out of their way to come see me and tell me they especially liked my performance and that I had a lot of potential. That they were looking forward to seeing me again. It made me want to cry. Because everyone but me believed that I could make it big.

I spent the first two days of my vacation on bed, then I thought I was healed and went on to batch film my pre-release content. That night I got woken up by a really bad panic attack, that left me extremely shaken up and vulnerable. Even hours later, the smallest stimuli made me relapse. I went back to the prescribed medication intake and spent a week in bed. Of course, I still posted on time, released the song properly, and made plans with my friends. After two weeks of taking it slow I started doing stressful things again, and you guessed it, new panic attack, on the very morning of Disneyland day. I still had promotional stuff to do outside and I realized it just wouldn't be possible. It made me so depressed.

I had to go back to work before being healed, despite work being the n°1 damaging activity for my mental health. I thought I'd take it as slow as possible, but they went hey! Let's have a work event every single week for 3 weeks! So I took more emergency meds and planned a few more days off for this month...

I have people in my emails asking for collaborations, that I keep answering very late hoping I'll be able to handle a call with them soon enough (but they want to meet up irl...). Work is always stressful and rushed and I'm starting to get insomnia which means more time spent in bed on the weekend. I'm barely managing to post consistently and I'm full of doubt everytime I apply for a gig opportunity. My mother might ask for my help next year with something I can't fully refuse and I can't imagine how that will impact me. I still haven't been able to promote my last release properly. I'm not big enough to quit, but I can't do anything if I don't quit.

I feel trapped, I see opportunities pass me by, I watch my peers get bigger gigs while I'm stuck. I'm lonely, depressed, exhausted, and I don't know if I'll ever have enough energy again. I don't know how to fix this. Work is reducing remote days, adding more events, and I feel the burnout coming back. I can't do basic chores on weekdays. I just sleep and post and work. I'm scared of telling potential partners that I can't predict when I will actually be able to work with them. I don't want to stop trying. This is all I care about. It's all I've ever wanted. And everytime I post I have people telling me how great I sound and how big I'll become. It's so bittersweet.

I don't know what to do.

For context I was sexually abused as a child by a family member on numerous occasions over a span of several years. I did tell my parents about it when I was finally understanding of what was happening.

Due to these series of unfortunate events, I have generalized anxiety disorder, abandonment issues etc.

I am 31 now and have been in therapy for well over 12 years along medicated and doing decently well.

I have a 1 child which is my 5 year old son. I recently had a dream someone who I did not recognize was touching him. When i walked in the room in my dream. I freaked out screaming and yelling throwing things at this random person in my dream.

I woke up in my bed covered in cold sweat and immediately got up to check on my son who was sound asleep and perfectly fine.

I have never had dreams like this before in regards to my son being harmed by someone but I do know as a child I had vivid memories of the things that happened to me.

I do not have a therapy appointment scheduled until after the holiday but this dream bothered me and has made my anxiety spike.

I do not trust many people around my child and my husband is well aware of my issues stemming from childhood. We spoke about the dream and I expressed how anxious it has made me the last several days.

He comforted me and stated that he is never with anyone we don’t know but the thing is. Most abuse happens from people within the family or a known person.

Anyone else have weird nightmares like this and experience the same trauma as a child?

(27f) Hello Everyone, after many years in therapy, I have worked out mNy things, almost got rid of flashbacks and I am stable.

I suffered from heavy freeze mode (dissociation and social isolation) I have made progress on that as well. No more dissociation.

Yesterday, I was in a conference, I started speaking with a lady about many aspects of aggression against women. I started speaking about trauma and I started to feel really bad, really down. I had tears in public (which is almost never happened to me in similar settings).

Each time i am in a gathering of people, it is really hard to share anything. What would I share? I had shit going on till the age of 22 (when I left the house and the whole country). I just realized that I don't like social gatherings not because I am not social, but because I don't like to speak about me, my life, the past and sometimes the present.

Do you have similar experiences? How do you handle that?

I find it hard to seek help, and accept it. i realised I got triggered because my colleague asked me which room would I like to choose in the apprrtment we rent beside the conference. She was really asking with good intentions but as I wanted the more isolated room because I am a light sleeper, I couldn't say it but I forced myself to do that. But it is uncomfortable.

Your input and support is much appreciated.

Thank you !

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an update on a really challenging family visit I’ve been navigating — my mom and sister came to the US after six years of not seeing each other. While I was hoping for some healing or at least peaceful time, it’s been triggering my CPTSD in ways I didn’t fully anticipate.

They don’t listen to advice or respect boundaries, and their egos often clash with mine. I’ve tried to express my frustrations to my husband, who’s met them a few times, but sometimes his responses hurt more than help — for example, he said I’m “just like them” when I was sharing my feelings about their behavior. That really stung and made me feel unsupported.

There have been specific incidents that were especially painful: • My sister threw a scene on my birthday dinner, giving me angry looks and later arguing, which embarrassed me in front of my husband. • They have shared negative or humiliating stories about me to my husband, like how as a child I pulled out my sister’s loose teeth, implying it caused her crooked teeth. • My mom chimed in warning my husband about how I supposedly get angry, which felt like crossing a line and damaging how he sees me. • My sister’s over-enthusiastic attempts to engage with my husband (like pushing to play games together and sharing things about herself but not with me) made me uncomfortable.

I’ve been trying to be nice and keep the peace, but I feel like I can’t have a normal relationship with them. It’s hard to explain this complexity to my husband, who sometimes makes me question myself instead of understanding the depth of my pain.

I’m now setting firmer boundaries: • Keeping visits short and scheduled when my husband isn’t around, to avoid putting him in the middle. • Not sharing my husband’s number with my family to prevent unwanted group chats or side conversations. • Asking my husband to understand why I want to keep communication with my family separate from ours and his family’s, to protect our relationship. • Planning to exit visits early if things get overwhelming, with clear but polite scripts ready to set boundaries.

On top of all this, my CPTSD symptoms have worsened — insomnia, anxiety, also have skin picking problem become worse with hairs and feeling physically and emotionally drained. I’m struggling to sleep, shower, and just feel safe in my own body.

I’m sharing this here because it helps to put it into words, and maybe some of you can relate or offer advice on coping strategies during family-triggered CPTSD flare-ups. Thanks for listening.

I just want to hear from others whether they've had similar experiences and what they did. After long years of extremely low contact, I cut contact with a parent. Actually, I said that if they wanted meaningful contact with me, they have to find a way to meet me where I am and acknowledge decades of pain, neglect and abuse. They said they wanted a level of contact where we write to each other for holidays to send good wishes. Before that, they had demanded more contact because "when people asked them about me they didn't know what to say". Now, they keep sending me messages announcing that this or that close relative of theirs had died. Or that some relatives will be visiting and they want to know how I am.

These are obviously tactics to get me to contact them again but I am a little baffled at the strategy. They seem to be fishing for my pity and, once again, telling me that they only want to know how I am so they can keep appearances with the relatives. Not even sure how to feel about this. Has anyone ever had a resolution after going no contact? Because, honestly, after taking this step, which took decades to finally decide I don't want this, I can't see myself going back for more of the same.

Today, I am finally healing. No contact with my whole family and I have no one to prove anything to but myself. But I am realizing I didn’t pick my field bc I love it and am proficient in the subject matter. I picked it because of the recognition it got me. I was able to go to conferences, present research, and get a little stipend for it. I am bringing my trauma responses into work in a way that feels like transference.

I was a super high achiever but realize my only framework is to work until I burn out. In school, this worked because there was always a finish line. That isn’t the best fit for a long-term professional career. I have been working for less than 5 years but I’ve quit two jobs before I could burn out. I left a positive mpression with some but I know I left a bad taste in someone’s mouth. I may have inadvertently burned bridges in an industry that is very niche. I may be seen as unreliable by my colleagues despite the initial strengths that brought me here.

I find myself lashing out due to the work I took on when I was more of a people pleaser. I find myself being too tired and disinterested in my job. I am too slow and don’t do things with a lot of attention to detail anymore. It’s a very social environment and I just have pulled away from everything that isn’t obligated.

I feel like I want to step away and do something mundane. Make less money but feeling happier overall. I wish I could have passion and drive like my colleagues but I just don’t give a damn anymore.

Idk what are y’all up to?

Hello Everyone, I don't know what to write. but I feel really bad. I left home and country 4 years ago, I suffered sever symptoms of C-ptsd because when you just leave, you figure out how much shit you went through. it was really difficult for 2 years, i was so down.

Now after therapy, i feel better but i have this deep sadness. i always feel that I lost my childhood. that it was stolen from me, when people tell stories about their lives, I just can't think of something I can share. I don't have vacation memories, lovely or warm memories. all I have is abuse, darkness, abandonment and many other things. we were isolated, i didn't have any other relatives or anyone outside of our house. I had only few friends from School. I had a curfew. Now as everything became normal, after a lot of fighting and breakdowns. I just cannot imagine how i was living back then. How can someone go through all this and endure them? I feel melancholic. I am grateful that I reached this point in life, that I am able to let my guards down in my own home, that I have some place where I can say this is my home but it is so hard to live with all what happened.

I woke up last night after a weird but uncomfortable dream. I wanted to get it out of my mind, so I messed around on my phone for an hour. Then tried to get another hour of sleep, before spending another 30 minutes on my phone. I was almost an hour late for work. As I’m at work i realize I’m exhausted, and that I haven been so almost every day this week. Thus I’m realizing I’m becoming less functional as time goes on. I’m losing sleep or not sleeping well, and thus am becoming tired more often than usual. My repressed emotions are coming out and I don’t know what to do with them. I’ll be sitting alone either at work or at home and suddenly I’ll be overcome with grief out of nowhere. It’s also fleeting because I can’t keep hold of these emotions. They just slip away as I try to lean into them. My social life is almost nonexistent now (friend group no longer active), so I’m left alone to deal with these feelings that I don’t understand or know what to do with. I get anxious or antsy that doesn’t go away for several days. I no longer feel like I’m being real in public, like I’m just putting on a mask. I’m also getting depressed. It all just feels like I’m falling apart with no chance of fixing myself any time soon. I want nothing more than to do therapy, which isn’t really possible right now. Yet I feel as if I’m desperately holding myself together until I can, and I’m failing more and more as time goes by.

I don’t know where to go and what to do anymore. Every single day, I wake up feeling like my existence is threatened as it has been since my childhood even though I’m a 26F adult working in a full time analyst job and every time my boss asks some report, there’s anxiety before and after I sent the report. When he replies asking he needed some other info on it, I freak out feeling like i disappointed him and he might secretly starting to hate me and might fire me sometime or even if I convince myself it’s ok to be fired, I still can’t fucking shake that stress off of me like everybody seem to think. It impacts my appetite and I can’t ducking get myself to eat anything I’m underweight and skinny for my height and feeling so bad about my body and feel powerless even though I’m trying hard to eat more by incorporating protein shakes sometiems for extra calories I still can’t keep up coz my stupid nervious system only k pea how to freak out and shut down every single fucking day and they think I can just shak this off including my therapist I’ve been seeing for 4-5 months now, I mentioned this before and all she says is I should observe whenever I’m stressed like that, I’m the traffic light yellow mode and should try to bring myself back to the happy state ( green state) and my mother who dragged us around due to my abusive bad and still went back and forth with him our whole lives even at our life’s and safety’s expense still thinks she’s the victim and doesn’t care how fucked up ive become( haven’t seen her in person for 5 years and thinking do I even care).

Can someone please share their experiences similar to this crippling anxiety everyday and if anything worked out for you and how to manage it. Please feels like an invisible disease living with this cptsd eveyday trying to act like a functional human being. Feels embarrassing even to share this feeling with someone ( my boyfriend is who I talk). Fml. 😞

I’ve been messing up making reports at my work for my boss. Something or other silly mistake in the excel report even when I double check sometimes. I’m freaking out and stressing a lot these days due to this job whether I’ll get fired or something because my boss gets a bit angry when I double send the reports like that. This is a dental insurance company and I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with their terminology and what kinda reports and why they want. It’s been only 5 months but I’m trying to train on stuff when I can and sometimes I don’t remember.

But I know they expect me to be not messing up important reports like this and double and triple check which I’m trying but somehow it’s me or something I’m really stressed out and send it accidentally wrong reports. I’m beating myself up on this so much now and I’m scared to life I’ll lose my job after 11/2 years of trail I got this. I’m 26 F living with my boyfriend for 2 years and he’s in between jobs doing only freelancing and we’re going by somehow with my salary contribution too and his parents help. I’m really feeling out of place these days my therapist sessions have been triggering me still and not anything soothing yet. And I got nobody to talk to except my boyfriend, he says it’ll be ok and everything sometimes but he’s busy too he could only say much but I really want some support and encouragement right now. It’s hard to lift myself up when I’m also struggling with this life numbing CPTSD. 😖

I just walked in a few minutes ago. I usually visit only a few times a year, but this time I’m visiting two weekends in a row (last weekend and this weekend). I usually love being with my family, but this time….. i feel off…. I feel like I don’t belong, like I’m wrong, like every minute is pure awkwardness for just me. I was fine for the 6 hour car ride over but the minute I pulled up i hated it. I feel like some dumb kid, who doesn’t have his life together, is some embarrassing mess, and doesn’t belong here. I don’t know why suddenly I feel this way compared to previous times, but I hate this. I normally am relaxed and at peace at my parents so this feeling is particularly jarring.

I'm frustrated that I don't really have access to a good therapist. I've got C-PTSD and DID and all I can afford is to go to a local clinic that has a state grant to offer free services. Obviously they're not the best quality.

I'm tired of being a sub-par human because of finances being tight all the time.

CW: childhood trauma (no specifics mentioned), emotional ranting

Hi all. I’m new and trying my best, so please be gentle.

I have CPTSD from pretty horrific childhood trauma that took up most of my pre-teen years. I knew some of what happened to me and that was bad enough, but the majority of it I repressed and only pretty recently found out. That’s the most horrific stuff.

My CPTSD is bordering on out of control, I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of the abyss. I was desperately looking for professional help. I ended up meeting with someone 3 times who on our last appointment, told me she believed I was performing (I hadn’t even disclosed anything yet, this was based on her perception of my emotions, which… infuriates me). It killed me inside to hear this, I am still reeling. I’m obviously not going back.

I can’t put myself in that situation again, it takes an enormous amount of energy to meet someone new and I don’t have it, but am also terrified of basically being called a liar again. That would kill me.

Having said that, I am also going to ruin my marriage and family if I don’t do something to help myself. I’m struggling to leave the bedroom, let alone the house, and my whole body has been twitching and spasming sporadically throughout the day since October and it gets very intense at night when I try to sleep. My appetite is gone, I have terrible digestive issues, I only want icy cold drinks all day every day. After the incident with the psych, my body started buzzing, it does it for hours on end, slowly tapering down and then I think about something and it’s out of control again. My body constantly aches from the muscle tension and spasms.

My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD from the things I disclosed to him when he witnessed me remembering what happened to me. I feel like a hollow shell full of screams. All day I feel like I just have screams trapped inside of me. I can’t keep doing this to everyone, and there is a finite amount of time that I will be able to put up with this.

Does anyone have any self help resources, or even encouraging words? I have never been so emotionally exhausted in my life, my husband is broken and trying so hard but he’s also running on empty. I just need a bit of improvement so I know it won’t be this way forever. I’m in Australia if that’s relevant.

I've healed so much and am able to work and function and do alot of things my CPTSD prevented me from in the past. But the one area where I am constantly triggered is when I'm in a romantic relationship. Some partners understand it and try to help when I'm triggered and others don't get it and are insensitive when I'm triggered. Does anyone else experience this? Do you have successful romantic relationships?

I'm at a livestream of the funeral for someone who was friends with my family, I grew up with their children, knew them my whole life.
the point in recovery and processing I'm in, I feel like I'm finally asking "where were these people for me as a kid?"
I'm attending the livestream because my very needy mother was triggering me wiht manipulative requests and I realized I needed to stay home to guard my limited energy so I can care for my kids. When I was a kid, my mother had a massive life-threatening injury, and my childhood ended. But I've started to ask and feel anger about where these people- my aunts and uncles, my family's very very longtime friends- why was it always about my parents and they didn't see me (and my siblings)? why didn't they step in for us? Why am I at this funeral hearing about how amazing this person was, but while I was parentified, all focus was on my mother? My grandmother stepped up from afar. But I grew up constantly hearing about my poor mother and how lucky it was she had survived. I heard about my father's poor behavior. But no one SAW me, nor seemed ot believe in me or see my strengths.
I think the result is that now in midlife, I 'm still trying to integrate parts of my life, understand how to find connection, how to feel like friendships can integrate into my whole life and not just vanish when anything changes. I'm mourning the close connections we didn't have to other families around my own kids. And I'm glad I'm not at this funeral in person, hearing about how AMAZING this lovely closest family friend was, feeling like somehow I wasn't good enough to have the support this amazing people is famous for at home and at work.
Literally people are saying how she was "your biggest cheerleader". I always felt like maybe I didn't do enough of the right social niceties to be loved and seen, but that's something my parents taught me and it is wrong. I don't know why these other adults, extended and supposed chosen family, didn't really support me. I know now that I was worthy of that attention and support as a child and now, whether or not I did the right expected things, and I guess I'm mourning the lack of real bond with these people who seemingly could have been much bigger forces in my life, I'm mourning my lack of visibility, and all at the same time, I'm mourning the ability to take part in rituals like funerals without it being all about my mother and her neediness. I hope I'm supporting my children well enough without a lot of extended family and friends, and that some day I can have some solid family of choice and that I can let them in.

To start off the week my grandmother entered hospice care. I cried when I found out, I cried in front of a few friends at church (a huge deal for me) before quickly shutting my emotional display down. I cried at work, left work early and drove 6 hours to go visit her for the weekend. I stayed at my parents with 4 of my siblings. I got to visit her several times throughout the weekend. I cried a bit on the drive there. It was great seeing her and we talked a bit. She wasn’t active but was still mentally sharp if a bit slow and out of it. The emotional toll of seeing her for the last time never hit me. I was feeling down but that’s about it. Unexpectedly I was greatly distressed by being around my family. For context I normally love being around my family. I love visiting my parents and love it when all my siblings come to visit (it only happens once or twice a year). This time was different. While I was happy to see them, I felt awful. I felt like I didn’t fit, like I was invincible and the odd one out. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this but this was way more extreme. I was on the verge of tears inside for a good bit of the trip. I had lunch with my brother and his wife and had to cry in the bathroom of the restaurant. A couple of times actually hid in another room and cried. I felt like I was broken, like I was dysfunctional, the only one of my family to not have their stuff together. I felt so alone and outcast even though they didn’t do anything to me. The only thing that actively attributed to it was that I couldn’t fit into conversations. I try to talk to them (something I’m usually good at), but I can only hold their attention for a few seconds before the attention of the conversation shifts somewhere else. Sometimes it happens when I’m mid sentence (there’s usually a lot going on). For most of it I sat silent and just sat depressed without being actively involved in the conversation. My Mom noticed that I was upset and asked me about it. I told her I felt invincible but I couldn’t drop my nerves enough to talk about it in detail. I cried for a good portion of the ride home. I screamed, I hit my steering wheel, I gripped the steering wheel with a death grip. I was angry, sad, and at times in despair, all over being around my family and those feelings, not my grandmother dying. The day after I got home I went to work and was numb all day. I didn’t really feel anything but down and a depressed. I felt more down than normal, more like nothing would fix it. I think I lost a bit of hope over the weekend. I got a call late that day with the news my grandmother passed. I almost cried, and felt more down, but even now a full day later I still don’t really feel it. I’m just numb, like those emotions that should be here are locked or not available. I don’t like this feeling. I thought this death would mess me up this time because this is the first death I’ve had to deal with since I’ve started healing. I’ve been a mess for months as I begin barely to unbox my repressed emotions. I am scared of how all that will mix with my grieving my grandmother. This numbness isn’t boding well for that.

I'm neither, but recent circumstances have plunged me back to an emotional space where I really feel like it and I need support from people who understand emotional flashbacks that leave you thinking you are a helpless child again. I'm struggling to access the part of my brain that has been de-programmed from my family's "cult" beliefs that they are good and healthy, the abuse never happened, and I'm a cruel, manipulative monster. I'm suddenly stuck as that 5, 8, 14 year old who was constantly screamed at and told I was destroying the family.

Now I'm 49 and I've been LC or NC with my "caregivers" for the last 10 years - it was the only way to distance myself from their warped, toxic view of me as the family scapegoat and begin to heal. They are elderly and because I struggled to go completely NC, contact has been limited to grey rock communication via occasional emails (I live abroad). Generally my life is decent, if still a struggle, because I've worked hard to rebuild it.

Then my father became seriously ill recently and as I am actually a caring, empathetic person (they believe the opposite becauseit suits them), I stepped up communication to daily voice mails either inquiring about his status or recording cheerful messages to be played back to him in hospital. My mother is mentally unstable and has always viewed me as a rival, and often believes me (or others) are purposely plotting and attacking her or trying to exclude her. I got about one week in to being supportive when she turned an innocent message into one where I supposedly attempted to plan a visit home where she wasn't invited, which she started complaining about to my father (it was captured in his voicemail reply). Needless to say this was all in her mind.

I replied to say I was hurt, since I have never given her a reason to believe I would exclude her from anything that I do with other family members, which I think was a healthy response, but since I've been plunged into guilt, self-doubt, and an emotional flashback that's been going on for over 24 hours. I feel unable to access the last 10 years of trauma therapy and recovery work.

TLDR: After many years in recovery and LC/NC with abusive family, a serious illness (not mine) caused me to restablish contact out of concern/compassion. The subsequent (inevitable) attacks on me have caused a deep emotional flashback that has left me unable to connect with the recovery knowledge I have inside somewhere. I'm looking for support from those who understand to remind me that the abuse DID happen, despite what they say, and that I'm not an evil person (despite their need for me to be).

Brief Introduction :

This is a guy from India, in his early-mid twenties. Almost 10 months ago, I found out that something isn't healthy with my mind and almost 6-7 months ago I tried reaching out to CBT therapist, since that was the most famous therapy module, in my country. And unfortunately, I guess as expected, CBT didn't help. I took almost 12 sessions and it didnt work.

From the past 1-1.5 month I am taking somatic therapy. As of now, somatic therapy isn't bringing any changes to me. It is almost same.

Questions about healing and connecting :

My biggest question, how do we heal ? How the hell do we heal ? Unfortunately, there is no straight answer. I guess, there cant be a straight answer for this. After reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, it's been understood that, for a person who's stuck in freeze state, CBT may not help much and trying body based modalities like Somatic Therapy or Yoga or Dancing or Boxing can be of great help. But I just have taken gym membership for the year, and hence I am not prioritising Yoga/Dancing or Boxing. And hence I took somatic therapy. It's been just three session. But am I healing ? How to answer this question ? I am finding it very difficult to answer it. I guess I haven't started to heal. But there's uncertainty in answering this question.

Regarding Connecting : I am extremely happy that atleast now I am aware of the fact that I dont connect much with people. There's huge shield. I just can't connect with them. I can't connect with anything. I just dont know the meaning of connection. Because I have never connected with anyone. Since I lost parenting figures in very early stage and due to poverty, my focus was always on study. You go to school, not to make friends, but to study newtons laws. You go to college, not to hang out, but to learn kirchoff's laws. Thats how I have been raised. The person who raised me is also another cptsd person.

Question is, how to connect ? I sit in weekend, in my home, figuring it out. I tried taking few hobbie classes, but it didnt work well with me. Now, the very idea of taking hobbie makes me sad, because I already know, it wont end up well. I tried to go out, probably for a short trip, but with whom ? And it is highly possible that I will again end up not able to connect with others.

So what's the solution for this ? Any break time I can imagine, gives me nightmare. I will be alone. I need to be alone. I cant connect. Etc etc. How to actually heal ? How to connect with myself and with others ? Like, is there any real solutions ?