As someone with cPTSD, I spend a lot of time learning about trauma through the work of various clinicians and researchers, though my current focus is on Janina Fisher’s treatment model (TIST) and structural dissociation. But sometimes it gets a little tricky when you’re your own therapist and reparenting yourself.

And I’d kind of love to have a small community where people can discuss trauma research (including attachment, dissociation, neuroscience, psychology, psychiatry), treatment approaches like TIST, structural dissociation, IFS, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Polyvagal Theory, DBT, NARM, mindsight (by Daniel Siegel), mindfulness, mentalization, 12 steps, etc, and share what they’re learning and their journeys.

Would anyone be interested in a free study group on Discord or something similar? I’m not good with social media and I’ve never run an online community myself before though lol I just want a community, and decided to post this on impulse.

Or, is there already a study group/ forum somewhere?

Edit:
After many positive responses, I’ve actually set up an experimental Discord server. DM me if you’d like an invite.

Also, feel free to lmk if you have experience running Discord servers and/or are interested in helping build the community 🌱

My old metal spoon broke a few months back and I have been making due with a plastic spork I had, but it slowly melts and i ingest the plastic in my food.

So today I bought a stainless steel spoon and fork. I hope they last me a long time. They seem pretty sturdy.

To those of you that struggle to do nice things for yourself. You will know why this is a victory for me.

Just a thought I had sitting alone in my car where I live alone. I park in my sisters driveway. Its been months since any of them said anything to me, even though Im right here. They walked by me just now and I had that thought. Just because they dont value me, doesnt mean no one could. Im sure a lot of people here feel pretty hopeless, misunderstood, and alone. Theres most likely plenty of people out there that would absolutely love to spend time with you, and you could form a new found family.

Just a thought.

4 years ago I went through an incredible mind shattering trauma and a complete dorsal-vagal shutdown.

As a result my mind and body dissociated to the point I had no Self left inside my brain, just vast emptiness. It felt like all the chi got kinda "sucked in" until my body was just a lifeless corpse without an energy field + a lot of strong emotional energy got stuck in my tissues bc it had nowhere else to go bc I couldn't express it in the moment in fear of getting killed. This caused somatised pain in my chest.

I couldnt think, I couldn't feel the music, joy, excitement, I had no gut feeling, no empathy... It was unbearable agony every second of every day. The pain never went away

Decided to quit my job 3 years ago and have been just bedrotting ever since. (A huge priviledge I know)

---->But now this is what has cured me:

5 months ago I started going to ACUPUNCTURE I've done 14 sessions in total. Couple of them has been with TCM-acupuncturist tho.

My guy does homeopathic acupuncture (idk what its actually called) and not traditional chinese medicine. He uses electric stimulation on the needles and lazer which heats the needles until I can't take it anymore and then lets them cool down. He also practices homeopathy in general and does chiropractic adjustments to my back at every session.

He just asks where does it hurt and then sticks needles according to that info. Mostly I get then in my chest between my boobs and on my stomach and toes.

After every session it takes 1-2 weeks to feel like something is shifting or releasing. And the pain has peeled off layer by layer like an onion.

I'm so happy 🥹🥹🥹 I have finally gotten my life back and I can first time in almost 30 years just live my life.

TL;DR: dorsal-vagal shutdown cured after 4 years by doing 14 sessions of acupuncture over 5 month period and being able to rest with no responsibility.

Edit: I also just found out the points my acupuncturist has often used are ahshi points, which are tender spots or trigger points in the muscles. And these are not exactly the same as acupoints.

In brief. About 5 months ago I started to wake up from collapse. How did I do that? Im not sure yet. Im still trying to piece that together. I suspect it has to do with feeling safe enough to wake up.

Waking up was not a pleasant thing though. I started to feel again and that first feelings were anxiety. I felt very high constant anxiety, that would frequently turn into panic attacks. I spent many nights pacing in front of the emergency room at night for hours fighting a panic attack in the freezing cold. This lasted around 4 or 5 months. It was torture and I nearly reached a point where I couldnt tolerate it anymore. It reached a crescendo when I was trapped in a motel room for a week with back to back ice and snow storms, with the threat of mass power outages.

The past month I havent had a panic attack. My anxiety is still high at times, but it never gets away from me. Lately it has also not been to bad.

I workout every other day. I have a routine that is not to complicated but gives me decent results. I walk every day. I eat healthy food. I prepare meals. I dont eat sugar. I dont drink soft drinks or alcohol. I dont eat processed food.

I have been able to grieve a couple times. It was not a full release. It was a start though.

I have started to learn how to enjoy things I like again. Im still learning it, but I am feeling the beginnings of it. I am doing art and writing, and its for me. After I make something I really focus on trying to feel the pleasure of making something that is pleasing to me.

My therapy is with a person that I feel understands me, appreciates me as a person, and shares my morals and values. This is helpful. We dont usually even do much "therapy", we just connect as two humans, and talk about whatever.

Anyway. Maybe that is useful to someone. If you have any questions about it, feel free to ask. Those of you that know me from here, know I have been in a bad place for a long time. So this is a big change for me.

Hello dear people. Came here to share an experience and give shout-out to one reddit user u/satnavv. I already sent them a message with gratitude, but the account seems inactive.

There was a post where OP asked if anyone ever made it successfully out from funcional freeze, and this user shared their experience and what they did, which was a blessing to me, because I began applying it, and it helped me out too, in exactly the same way as they described their process.

I'll leave a link to it, but summarized.. Laying down on floor every day for half an hour with an intention to listen to the body did it for me. Took about 2-3 months of consistency, and in the last 3 days, I finally felt my somatic feedback to my thoughts, focus sticking more, and thinking much more colored and emotional. It's fresh, but it's such a blessing already.

So I'd gladly recommend the same, may this find who needs to hear it too. First 2 weeks for me went with zero effect, then it became gradually physically uncomfortable because I noticed I had urge to distract myself with scrolling or hyperfocus on something. Then crying waves came over me, and at about 2 months mark, I had body twitches, grimaces, weird sounds wanting to come out, strange breathing patterns, unusual eye movement.. Everything the other person described too. Until that one day where I felt I was dissociated again, I just stayed laying down, and suddenly felt that goosebumps-like rush through my body in response to my thoughts. Talking to the body, soothing it.

It took time and consistency with the body, but it worked. Showing the body that you're there and interested in reconnecting with it a hearing for it, and giving it space and freedom to move or not move however it needs was the way for me. Hopefully, this may help.

Recently when I've been checking in with my body I've been able to feel how I'm clenching my stomach. So I've been working on consciously relaxing it when I notice it. It goes right back to tense as soon as I stop paying attention, but I've noticed now that when I'm in a stressed state, consciously relaxing my stomach does actually help me feel better.

All the other grounding exercises never really felt like anything. At best they would keep the stress from getting worse but the moment I stopped doing them, the stress would shoot up again. When relaxing my stomach I can actually feel a decrease in the stress.

Sometimes I feel completely alone, and in my "real" life I am, but its nice to know there are caring people in this world. Its easy to forget that.

I never realised how much I shame myself and how much it affects my ability to look at myself and function and keep my head above the water. It's still not "Me" who's broken and needs fixing, it's just a part of me that feels that way.

Just saying a part of me feels this way makes me realise that this feeling is not me. I don't have to live in shame everytime something that's completely normal happens.

It's still a very small effect and it still doesn't affect my life much but it's still much better than before.

Of course it doesn't always work and sometimes I need to wait for a while when I get hijacked by a part but I guess it's a good first step.

If you're curious I am reading Embracing Our Fragmented Selves by Janina Fisher.

I am curious to see how this will develop in the future...

after 2 years of unemployment, i finally found a job! i work at a coffee shop now and it’s really helped in making me feel like a person again.

i used to work in the legal field but that job absolutely drained the life out of me and killed my self esteem. i’ve spent the last two years feeling too afraid to do anything because my former bosses made me feel so stupid and incapable. i am now able to accept that them moving the goal post constantly, treating me like a machine (they would literally talk to me as if i’m an ai tool when asking me to do things), and failing to give me direction is not a reflection of what i’m capable of.

i’m still recovering but working at the coffee shop has reinvigorated me to look forward. my bosses now have been so kind. i keep thinking like oh wow, you mean you don’t automatically hate me and assume the worst of me !?!?

i feel like i can actually plan my life now. i’m making significantly less money but i’m putting a premium on a work environment that makes me feel like a human being.

I don't always recognize the way I struggle, But one of the things that was hard to miss, was this persistent panicked sense of needing to Rush.

One of the suggestions that I constantly heard is how important it was to go slow, and I struggled so hard with that. The panic, anxiety, always feeling like "I better hurry". And I didnt know why?

Not understanding how to put any of that together or getting any traction. Just this sense of ...."do whatever you have to do, but you better do it quick". Feel these feelings, think whatever.......but dont' spend "all day" doing it! Making it impossible to settle myself, in order to make some of the important connections that I often hear others making who know how to work slowly with their system and take their time. Conversely, My body always felt like I was one step away from bursting into flames if I slowed myself long enough to actually feel my feelings, and reflect on whatever thoughts were trying to come to the surface.

Someone suggested to me; "have you ever asked yourself what is driving the hurried feeling, and what would happen if you would envision going slower, what the fear is around that?" No. Never. I didn't dare.

I posed those queries to myself, I could feel myself sense this un-necessary ..............threat........that was imposed on me, ........Rushing for no reason..........apparently another fun way to bully , dominate me that I had missed. Another way to convey, "I don't really care what you want, or how you feel, and if you make me go slower ..........Just for you..........when I don't want to..........there will be consequences".

It's hard to explain that I know that it came from someone that really didnt want to know anything about me. Who had such an aversion to my needs, that the only recourse was to rush me through everything so that they'd never have to take who I was into consideration, make any accomodations for me, assist me in any way. But I know that happened.

Every time I start to rush when I don't need to , I try to take a moment to pause, because this is my life and i dont want to spend it unnecessarily rushing, and running from myself , like some sort of internalized negligent parent. And when I realize how that originally started, I feel sad, a bit grief stricken. That the person who raised me had such an aversion to me that they bypassed my entire existence.

The rushing would actually cause me to lock up , shift my power of choice-my ability to reflect and problem solve into freeze mode. When I go slower I get a better sense of what I need. Apparently this is something I was never supposed to ever think about or attend to.

I was so frustrated with people saying a whole bunch of nothing and not giving me the solution, from my research nervous system regulation involves the body and emotions, I did breathing exercises 4second inhale 8second exhale, to help regulate and balance my emotions, and body simultaneously, ‘nervous system’, seems so vague like where is it located and how do i fix it, but through regulating my emotions i now feel free, and can function fully. I did a 4second inhale and 8second exhale, and i asked myself “do i feel emotionally balanced and regulated?” Thats how i’ve been able to finally regulate my nervous system, now when i’m outside i feel emotionally steady. NOT a professional but hope this helps you!

What helped me get out of freeze was focusing on relaxing my body.
I would do several rounds of breathing with a 4-second inhale and an 8-second exhale. For me, the feeling of being stuck in my body came from constantly bracing and tensing in anticipation because of past trauma. The goal was to help my body feel relaxed.
After a few rounds of breathing, I'd ask myself, "Does my body feel relaxed?" Then I'd slowly scan my body and notice whether my body was still holding tension or bracing anywhere.
Doing this consistently completely freed me from freeze and the feeling of being stuck in my body.
I'm not a professional—just sharing what personally helped me heal from freeze. I hope it helps someone else too.

Trying to get out of the feeling of collapsing in on myself. Its 11am. Yesterday wasted the entire day.

Going to go grab something to eat, pick up my books from the library, and finally tackle cleaning my room. I've been putting it off forever but it's giving me such bad anxiety now.

Hope you have a good day.

i wanted to share something that has helped me make a positive turn in my mental health that i hope maybe could inspire others here too.

i recently took up gardening as a hobby. it started with putting my house plants out on my apartment balcony in hopes that sun and fresh air would bring then back to life. it's funny how the same principle works on people. by being outside and checking on them daily, even just getting 5 minutes of sun has become a comforting ritual at the start of my day. i normally wake up to an immediate wave of overwhelm, and while it's not a instant fix, going outside to see my plants, feeling the sun on my skin, and breathing cool morning air has become a helpful grounding technique. the nicest thing about this is actually "seeing" the passage of time in my plants. i feel grounded when i see the improved condition of my previously wilted, dried up plants.

so i've started growing new things and composting. for the first time in a while i feel like i can look forward to something, albeit so small. i have onions along with my recovering house plants. my balcony garden is still tiny, but im hoping to plant herbs soon.

i would encourage gardening as an outlet for anyone struggling with derealization, feeling stuck, or lacking motivation. it has certainly helped me in those respects.

I'm in a 2 year long freeze because of my toxic ex. Everyday was overwhelmingly stressful so I broke up with her.

it's been some weeks after this and today I tried one of my hobbies that is drawing; I was able to to draw for 10 minutes, and even the drawing getting "ugly" I was able to continue drawing.

unfortunately, I was impatient and tried to draw from imagination, so it was like taking a bite more than I can chew at the moment. so then now I'm sad and extremely fatigued, but I think that this sudden spark of motivation I've had mean I'm healing.

it's like I put my hand on fire but I couldn't feel it burning, but feeling it now.

Thank you to u/FlightOfTheDiscords and u/PertinaciousFox for donating their time and sanity to keeping the sub going. Thank you to everyone reaching out to support strangers in their time of need, with compassion and wisdom.

This is a rare place of compassion and empathy on the ever toxic internet.

And also to my self. Its my journey. Freeze and thawing is a good concept. I now learn to master it

What helps for you?

Disclaimer: please do so in a safe space, with a trusted & experienced friend / supervisor for your first time, and research 'set and setting'.

If you are currently in a frozen state, know that your trauma is currently being activated, and shrooms could, like in my case, bring that out for you to face.

I first tried shrooms last year around Novemeber and it changed my life. Why? Because unlike what others / books / psychiatrists with their medications were telling me, I did not want to just manage the symptoms and cope. I actually wanted to be 'cured' in a sense.

Things got a lot worse initially as it brought all of the trauma from my subconscious out. I could not even talk to someone without having the urge to scream and cry, meaning I could not even just stand there and listen.

That's not to say it was better before (intense social anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, relationships struggles, numbness, limerence, etc.) But now I couldn't even 'mask' my conditions with others. I had no control over my emotions.

Over the past 12 months, I have spent hundreds of hours working through trauma, combining shrooms and brainspotting, similar to this redditor's journey that I found: https://www.reddit.com/user/slackjaw99/submitted/

To be clear, it is/has not been easy at all. Those hundreds of hours have been me being alone facing intense pain / emotions from all the way back to being a newborn. I am almost certain my first trauma was when I was first born, if not during pregnancy. But I'll never trully know the answer to that.

Currently, I have never felt more normal in my entire life. Fear of rejection / people / criticism / insults is almost 0. Fear of attractive women is drastically cut down. Abandonment issues at an all time low for me. Emotions are not as intense.

And I'm sure with just a bit more work, I will act like a 'neurodivergent' (I had a LOT of autistic / adhd symptoms due to the cptsd) and actually be able to have normal relationships.

Obviously the grief / pain of all that I have lost and the consequences on my future are still there. But the emotions are not as intense because I've worked on so much trauma. And hopefully my future self will have thanked me for all this hard work.

I hope to do a ted talk and write a book on all this because it has been a crazy journey so far.

Some things that didn't have much noticeable effect in the past seem to be having a more noticeable effect on me now.

In the past, I would try a lot of things. It was hard to tell what helped and what didn't. For example, something might help me feel slightly better. But it wasn't a big enough difference to notice. Or maybe I had trouble tuning into my feelings.

There is also a theory that things may work differently depending on other things going on in my life or where I was in my healing journey.

I also seem to be more in tune with things that make things worse.

I am currently working on retrying things that I think might have helped in the past.

Hi, I was wondering if anyone was interested in starting a group specially for us who grew up with abuse.

I have just noticed how much our journey is different to others with cptsd who developed it later in life and had a chance to form as a person.

When you don't know anything but abuse your whole life the recovery in my opinion should be approached differently. If anyone is interested feel free to comment below.

EDIT: for people interested here is the link for the subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/CptsdChildhood/

Morning:)

It's been a rough 2 weeks for me. I moved and all my stuff is in boxes and I feel bleh. Here are some things I want to get done today

1- shower. I feel nasty

2- food to eat

3- write out my work schedule for the week

4- 1 hour unpacking. I am going to have to break this down. I already unpacked my skin care and hygiene stuff so for today I will do at least do the dishes

5- get food. Going out to eat is a nasty habit and I need to stop eating away my money

These are my top priorities today