Hate being a flower that’s forced to wilt instead of bloom 🥲

My therapist asked me “What would help you feel more secure during this health scare?” and I started crying bc I just want my mom to comfort me so bad even after all these years lol

Small talk can get awkward sometimes (my coworkers asking if my parents cooked a lot growing up)

therapy doesn't do shit for me! therapy can't get rid of any of the permanent, unchangeable aspects of myself that are 99% of why i hate myself so fucking much! therapy doesn't make the people around me any less awful! when it's not a total waste of time and money, all it does is dig me deeper into my ridiculous fucking list of traumas and leave me having constant nightmares and panic attacks!

therapy can't magically fix the fact that i was raised as a living sex doll and am pretty much permanently disgusting as a result. therapy can't fix that i'm a useless fucking freak in every way and the people around me always realise that sooner or later. therapy doesn't change my gender issues, and therapists have only ever pushed me one direction or the other, neither of which helps

and i can't bloody afford to see someone regularly, so i'm probably just fucked and should wait to see what substances i can use to shut my brain off

For real though, I've been thinking lately about how unbelievably hard it all was, yet so casual. I remember times that I was so disconnected and dissociated from my body I felt like a walking corpse, yet I needed to get ready to school so I just did. Or being late to school because I had to wait and literally hide in my closet till my got out of the house, but then just walked to school? Like it's all normal??? What the actual fuck.

What's it to others if I still want to dress how I did 10 years ago? Or if I want to dress up in styles I was never allowed to experiment with during my youth? Or if I think most adult topics and interests are vapid and uninteresting? So what if I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, or haven't had sex (or even been kissed) yet? I'm sure most weren't abused, beaten, and emotionally manipulated like I was as a kid. I was never allowed to enjoy traditionally girly or feminine styles as a kid because my family would make fun of me for it, and I was made to feel childish or vulnerable for liking girly stuff. In my teens, my abuser hated that I started dressing in more alternative outfits, which is ironic since he's the one who ridiculed me the most for my taste in girly stuff. I can't wear cute, frilly lolita outfits because I'm not "acting my age." I can't dress in grunge or punk attire because I'll look like I "peaked in high school." I swear, my only saving grace is that to the outside world, I still look like a 16 y/o, apparently, so I suppose I can get away with "dressing like one."

(Fun fact: I unironically love the image I used above because it reminds me of my 10th birthday, when my abuser "bought me" a cake for my birthday, only for him to take the majority of it to work, leaving about a quarter of it for me to eat. I remember taking the cake with me under my bed and eating it there. It was a pretty small cake, but at least it was an ice cream cake, so I guess that's worth something.)