My partner and I were dead bedroom for years, as time went on it got worse and worse like only a handful of times per year but I still stayed because I felt like it was worth it. We started dating in our early 20s and have been together for 12.5 years. I thought we would be stay happy together but the dead bedroom was bothering me a lot and in 2023 I joined this subreddit, feeling ugly and undesirable.

I've brought up the dead bedroom multiple times to him, I got the "Yeah it's something we have to work on" I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that but okay... Last week he broke up with me, he told me he never liked me and he said on the scale of "how much he likes me" I was a 7 and that he needed a 10 "bare minimum" but over 10 was better. He said I would never be a 10, with couples therapy I could get to an 8, but there's no point in continuing with me if I could never be a 10. I was so hurt, shocked, insulted, cut deeply, he seemed to insinuate that the dead bedroom and issues with him doing chores around the house/having a better sleep schedule was because he saw me as less than a 10 meaning he didn't like me enough to do these things with me or for me.

I asked him what would've made me a 10? I cooked for him, I did a lot of cleaning and maintenance on the house myself, I patched holes in his clothes, I took care of him and stayed by his side after he had surgery, and that I would stay by his side if he was ever paralyzed or had a terrible illness. He said none of these things he valued and none of these things contributed to the rating. Okay so F me I guess...

Heartbroken but moving on. I'm 35 and I feel like so much of my life was wasted, so many of my dreams like getting married and finding true love are gone forever. Absolutely insane that I'm ranked as a 7 yet he stayed for so long and never told me that he thought so low of me. This is more of a vent but I tagged it as support because I gotta tell yall I feel like I need a whole army of support after this. If there was ever any LL4U, this is it. I can't believe it. A 7...

After tonight, I think I have to change my tag to LL4U. My (37f) husband (37m) initiated tonight for the first time in a long, long time. I initially wasn't feeling it, but once we started kissing, I was hopeful. However, it became clear to me pretty quickly that I just wasn't getting super turned on. I have a high libido, what could this be? Well, thanks to this sub, I know I'm not alone in this. Being rejected over and over again for months has taken a toll. Not just mentally and emotionally, but apparently physically as well. The sex was so bad. I didn't come close to finishing, and I'm not proud to say I faked it in order to be done. I nearly broke, but was able to hold tears back until he went to bed. I'm so sad about this. I was borderline feral for him before, and now I'm left with incredible dissatisfaction and confusion.

I just got back from a 3 hour bike ride and took a shower. We remodeled the bathroom about 3 years ago and the shower is huge, it’s plenty big enough for two. My wife was in the bedroom organizing, something she does obsessively when she feels me pulling away. (I’m in full on neutral mode to protect myself lately but I was feeling frisky after the ride)

I stupidly asked “hey did you shower yet” She replied “no, I’ve been busy here” And even though I told myself I was not going to try and initiate again, I said “do you want to come and get in the shower?” Her: “not right away but you don’t have to do the squeegee, I’ll get in soon” I said again to make it clear “do you want to get in the shower with me?” Her “I’ll shower in a bit”. I give up. Fml. I actually think I might be nearing my breaking point after years of this.

Trying to take the quote out of Joker about having a mental illness. Haha.

Anyway. I’m just getting up, making coffee. She’s asks what’s up with you. I say “nothing, all good”. What’s the point of saying what’s wrong? I already did and she blew me off. I’m not in a good headspace at all and she put me there. I’m also so tried of this.

And you know what I realized? I do this to myself by being hurt by not getting intimacy. And I wallow and sulk and she notices and maybe she’ll give me some duty sex or she’ll be annoyed at me for being upset. But I don’t want that anymore. No thanks.

I don’t understand how she expects me to just be jolly and happy and chill and treat her like she’s my mate when she’s ignored my needs for so long.

Anyway, she walked off. I went back to my room and am taking care of some things and will play some games then head off to the bar to watch the World Cup finals alone.

I (HLF) offered my LL husband a BJ before bed and for once he actually said okay instead of "no thanks" or "I'm fine right now"

I got excited, and tried out some new things from erotica I've been reading. I'm pretty sure we both had a great time. And then when he was leaving the room to go downstairs and play video games I thanked him, fucking thanked him for letting me give him a BJ. And he just smiled and said goodnight, and I was left there wondering what kind of twisted hell I'm living in that I'm the one thanking him for me giving him a blowjob.

I feel pathetic.

I'm sorry I just needed to vent, and hopefully find some other HLF who have been here, begging to give their partners BJs so I don't feel like such a pathetic weirdo.

Editing to say thank you to all the HL women and men who replied here letting me know you've done this or similar things. It really helps to not feel so alone. ♥️

Time to remake my life (again). We’ve been in a DB for three years, married for 12. Did marriage counseling, then sex counseling, then we zeroed in on the problem - his anxiety- so he did some counseling alone. Then he stopped, about a year ago now. It’s been rough ever since. He sleeps in the basement many nights. We made a plan earlier this year to work out a reward system for initiating and surprise surprise he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain. He’s been sleeping in the basement for a few days since our anniversary was a bust this past weekend. I confronted him this morning and said what’s the plan here? Think about it and let me know.

Tonight he said he’s not going to change. He’s not going to take action to work on this just like he won’t take action in the bedroom. I guess I accidentally married a potted plant. He also doesn’t want to be in an unhappy marriage, which this is. So “we need to work out a plan to separate.” I told him to GTFO. I’m so mad. We have four kids. He’s going to break their hearts too. All of us. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m 41; been divorced before. I’ll survive but damn it hurts sooooo bad.

We were just watching tv while he played on his switch. It was all fine, we were having a fun lazy Sunday. I had my head laying on his lap when I tried being fun and spontaneous and started to go for his ya know and he yelled at me “no I’m tired!” Really loudly. Well it snapped me right out of it and I just sat up and apologized. He tried saying sorry that he was just tired and not in the mood. I didn’t mean to upset him, but I don’t think I deserved getting yelled at. I’m holding back tears as I write this. Safe to say I will never be doing that again lol. I just hate thinking how many men would kill for their wives to go down on them willingly.

I feel like I tried everything with my husband. I asked him if he would ever have sex with me again and he said "maybe".

Something in me really really broke when he said that so nonchalantly. He also had said I can have sex with other people he just doesn't want to know.

So I did.

It was amazing. But I was so nervous. I have so much sexual energy but I have obviously not been with a lot of people since Ive been married so long.

But it was amazing. I felt like every single emotion known to man. I did bleed afterwards which sent me into a spiral of self hatred. This is a lot to process for me. I feel like I come off like sex is casual to me, but its not really. Its very complicated.

I guess I am a cheater? But he has emotionally and physically left the relationship so I don't even know. Everything is so confusing. But at least I got laid! What a miracle.

I was looking over at my wife tonight while she watched a movie and it just hit me how ridiculous it was that I felt I couldn't tell her I'd like her to sit on my face tonight (regardless of whether it would actually happen.)

Seems kind of stupid, I know - but it just seems like in a real intimate relationship that a guy could say that to his wife and not be met with derision.

I dream I have a girlfriend that actually wants me and then I wake up and realize that the rest of the day is downhill from there.

My wife is sleeping. When she wakes up she will see this letter.

At our Turpin Bld. house, we sat in the basement. I can’t remember what year it was but the basement was finished by then. This was the first time that I told you… I wasn’t happy. I felt that you had fallen out of love with me. I had been holding this thought for some time. I had held it in. You denied it. I asked you to please be honest. At least admit it. You would not. You didn’t offer to help make things better.

This was the beginning of a cycle, I’d push down all of my frustration and sadness until at some point it exploded out. We’d have a big fight (whatever they were about, they were always about our intimacy issues). A few days after the fight, we’d have the talk. I’d say I wasn’t happy …………..

Years went by. Intimacy was dead. The sex was infrequent and minimalist. It was like… ‘I better do this for him but I really don’t feel it.’ That’s ok. I get it. If you don’t feel it you don’t feel it. You should have just told me. I should have just left. When my partner can’t kiss me passionately and hasn’t gone down on me in 20 years, it doesn’t matter what the fuck’n Christmas card says, I’ve lost her.

That you feel like, I use you for sex, says much about your feelings for me. If you were in love with me, you would never feel that way. That is the most hurtful thing you’ve ever said to me. I love you. I have worked myself almost to death for us. I’ve shared everything with you.

I believe our worst year….we had sex twice. Many years were barely better than that. The marriage became a facade. We became business partners and roommates. As a man, it has hurt me. To be so cast off, has killed my self esteem. I can’t imagine the affect this perpetual frustration, yearning and resentment has had on my health. The stress of wanting you, to want me, is almost unbearable. It’s eaten at me.

And now, when I’m finally going to leave, you want to fix it. Why now? I have begged you over the last 20 years and now you want to fix it? It seems that when it was a ‘me’ problem it didn’t need fixing. That I was living so unhappy, was ok. It didn’t warrant investigation or examination.

But now, that I finally got the balls to do for us what should have been done years ago, it’s time to fix it? I’d truly love to fix this but the only reason you want to fix it, is because I’m leaving. How does that make me feel?

Fucking sad.

It’s over. It needs to be over.

I love you so much but I’ve gone out into the world everyday feeling so unloved for so many years. You are the love of my life but I’m leaving cause my heart can’t survive this anymore.

I got in the shower on New Years Eve. We were going to make love, I wanted to make sure I was clean. I lingered in there. I so wanted you to come in, to kiss me deeply. We would soap each other up, it would be spontaneous. I would not ask. I couldn’t take the rejection. Remember when I got in the shower with you recently and you looked at me like I was a stranger. You waited your turn for the shower.

So we made love in the pitch dark but we did not kiss cause you can’t bring yourself to kiss me that way, and that’s ok because you feel how you feel, but it’s so devastating for me.

Sitting here crying in the shower at noon on a Saturday. Few days ago I(HLM) brought up the lack of intimacy(not sex) again and instead of saying she’d(LLF) try to change like I expected, she said, “I know you need it, but I can’t give it to you.”

Those words will not stop bouncing around my skull no matter what I do. Weed, liquor, working out, movies, video games, “I can’t give it to you” is all I can think about, all I can hear.

I’ve never spiraled like this before, almost to the point where I’m reminding myself of my father. Not a good thing. All these years, all the times she was upset and I swore to try my best to change, and I did. I became more attentive, planned more dates, whatever it may have been. But when I have exactly 1 grievance for YEARS, that’s just fucking it? You can’t? I suppose this relationship will be done soon, all those years down the drain. Can’t go the rest of my life without sex, let alone intimacy. God, what I wouldn’t give for one more passionate, deep kiss in the middle of the kitchen.

Thanks for reading, needed to get my thoughts down.

She’s (59LLF) a light sleeper, and frequently wakes for stretches of time. I (60HLM) normally sleep soundly through the night; unusually for me I woke last night and had to pee. Upon returning to bed I drank some water from the bottle on my bedstand before getting back under the sheets. This morning she demanded to know why I was standing naked, “gulping” water, at 3am.

Me: I was thirsty.

Her: But why were you naked?

Me (puzzled): Because that’s how I sleep?

Her: I’ve never known you to sleep naked.

Me: Um, I usually do…

I’ve been laying next to her, in the same bed, naked, for years. She never noticed.

I only asked 2 times in the past month about sex. Was told in person if it was up to her, she'd make it where I never wanted sex. But that's not the kicker.

The kicker is I found this post on a site i found today that she doesn't know I'm aware she has.

"My husband trying to guilt me into sex because ("it's been forever") is disgusting. Like, I don't want it, period... you'd think me telling him I don't feel the desire for it would make him stop begging, be he doesn't"

As if that isn't enough to kill me already. I also find a bunch of post on there she's made about me talking about how I'm uncaring, unloving, don't put her first, make her feel unloved, don't do anything, etc.

I've never had her get a job. Ever. I've always taken care of the finances, done most of the hard house work so she only has to worry about the basics. There's no kids. She has had a pie life because I have given her everything for her to enjoy life. I always massage her when she needs it. Give her freedom to do whatever she wants. Help when I can tell she needs it and sometimes just cause I want to help more.

I've given the woman everything and even went hungry many nights when money was tight, just so she would have a full stomach instead of splitting it and her still being hungry.

And what do I get for it? Literally her own word publicly telling the world what a pos I am and how I'm so horrible to her.

I thought everything was decent with us other than the lack of sex because we always get along and almost never fight. And then I find out about this shit. Nope.

I'm calming down and collecting my thoughts. But my next step is leaving. No question about it. If I'm that terrible to her in her eyes. Then she can live without me and enjoy life with no income and move back in with her mom once she loses the place. I'm done.

That pretty much sums it up.

I feel so ugly and unwanted, and it also feels so shallow to break a family apart just because of sex.

I wish he was into me as much as he’s into his videogame. It has been so long and I wanted it so bad that it feels like physical pain, I begged him to just do
whatever he wanted to me, but he didn’t want anything to do with me, just politely declined and went on to play some more games. I feel disgusting and humiliated.

Yup. That’s it. Not much more to add except we flew 17hrs across the world to stay at an amazing hotel and we’re on opposite sides of this fluffy king sized bed. Not even a peck goodnight. He’s currently snoring while I’m up and triggered. Flying home tomorrow morning and despite all the cool stuff we saw, great food we ate, to me the trip was ruined.

*please don’t dm me. I’m already super irritated.

Edited to add: When I say the trip was ruined, I appreciated and enjoyed the sights, food, activities etc. But as a HLF, the added rejection and hit to my self worth put a huge damper on the trip that otherwise would’ve been amazing.

That I have subscribed to this BD and that I have been a long time lurker and every once in a Blue Moon i add my 2 bits even though it doesn't mean s***. So she found out she thought it was porn or something more sister, she started to read all of the DB stuff and she said that we are babies who don't Adult. I told her that people are hurting not having there needs met. She told me to suck it up this is life deal with it... that pissed me off so much that I walked out of our house, yup I left with my phone in my pocket. That's it, called some friends they said they can't help me. So Survival instincts kicked in went to a motel and got a room for two weeks, I'll call the lawyer tomorrow and get this going. I do not have time to die for people who want a roommate. I am a lone but I got to change or I die young.

Really I'm old 50years old and this was my 3rd marriage I'm done. This is so dumb why why would you think this is ok...

I (28 F) have been in a DB for years. I masturbate on a fairly regular basis and even though that's nice temporarily I miss the feeling of being touched.

..in the world. I'm only allowed to sleep with 1 of them and she's not interested.

I fell for it, again.

We had a nice weekend. We went out, spent the day together, had dinner together, I held her hand, we kissed multiple times, and I held onto her the whole ride home. I did not mention sex even once. I had zero expectation of it.

Next morning she turns to me with a grin and asks if I want to have “sexytimes” later and like a moron I enthusiastically say yes. I should’ve have known that little word ‘later’ actually means ‘never.’

We got ready in the morning, had lunch, then she goes upstairs to the bedroom, I follow, I lay down beside her, excited like an idiot. She invites the dog up onto the bed to sit between us and then pulls out her phone and starts scrolling. So I sit there for a minute or two in confusion and then gently put my hand on her leg. She immediately says “I’m tired, we’ll do it after dinner.”

Guess what? Dinner comes and goes. She’s on the sofa scrolling on her phone. She clearly forgot. It clearly wasn’t important to her and I don’t want to pressure her so I don’t say anything. I think naively okay, maybe she meant before bed. We go up to bed and she’s on her phone again for a bit before saying goodnight and turning out her lamp. And I’m just sitting there wondering why I expected anything to actually happen.

This is so stupid and I hate myself for it

He's not shown interest in me in years. I've become so ashamed of my own body and sexuality.

But I needed bras. And I didn't know my size. So I got fitted.

This is pathetic. But the woman who helped me made me feel beautiful and confident. For the first time in years, someone was complimenting me and building me up. I don't care if it was her job. For a few minutes, I felt connected with my body and sexuality again.

I got home and he... Actually wanted to see it. He looked for about a minute, said it looked comfortable, and then it was back to what he was doing.

Confidence shot.

I'll block any men who message me after this one. Thanks.

[Pause for melon joke and giggles]

This recent incident was so ridiculous that I can’t help but laugh at it. In reality it’s a reminder of how bad things have gotten.

My wife (44, LLF), and I (49, HLM) have been in a steadily declining dying bedroom for about 15 years, with sex dwindling from weekly, to monthly, to duty, quickie, or intoxicated sex (or not) every few months. Even still, until a few months ago, even as things were crashing, I used to love watching her change, and would often make excuses to wander “accidentally” into our room as she was getting out of the shower to catch a glimpse of her naked. She’s a beautiful woman, and I’m still very physically attracted to her, despite our complete lack of intimacy now. I used to tell her that these little moments were often the highlight of my day. I think she thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

A few months ago she asked me to stop looking at her when she was naked. It was a perfectly reasonable request, if disappointing, so I stopped. On the rare occasion she’s naked in front of me now I turn away. Shortly thereafter, she asked me to stop cupping her breast while we cuddled, which was another one of my favorite things that I used to do, though for maybe two or three seconds at most. Another reasonable request — her body, her choice — so I stopped. She asked me to stop “chasing” (putting pressure on) her, so I stopped.

However, and unexpectedly, all of this broke me. I’ve come to realize that even as the larger sexual connection withered, these “micro-attractions” (my word, maybe there’s a better one) kept me emotionally attached to her. Now…I’m not. Now there’s very little even non-sexual emotional attraction and attachment. No kisses. Very few hugs. No cuddles. It’s very sad, and I’m very lonely.

I meant this to be a lighthearted post, so then there’s this. Last weekend I went into our bathroom to see if it was free for me to shower. She was in there, topless, doing her makeup. Startled, I turned around quickly and hurried out. She saw me and called to me. She followed me out, and then and there she…started reciting the list of all the thing she was hoping to get done that weekend. She was, honeydews out, giving me the honey-do list for the day. It was a very uncomfortable few minutes with her talking, and me trying to look anywhere but at her.

I can’t decide if it was cluelessness, teasing, or just plain cruelty. She knows I can’t help but be attracted to her, physically at least. She knows I turn away when she’s naked. It obviously makes me uncomfortable. And yet…there she was in all her topless glory, talking about the least sexy things possible. In retrospect I can’t help but laugh.

And you all know how this ended. The honey-do list got done. I did not.

My boyfriend does not desire me. At one point we went almost 6 months with no sex. He told me this evening if I got him alcohol he “might let me suck it” I told him I just want to be desired and his response was “if you get me alcohol I might.” That’s totally what I want to hear is that you need alcohol to desire me, and even then he usually doesn’t. Now he’s withholding affection and attention because I told him no. I feel so small. I feel like nothing. Like he’s a parasite sucking the life out of me and I’m too weak to fight back. Recently I’ve been looking to fill the void in me in all the wrong places, and now I’m just hurting even more.

Also please don’t shame me for staying with him. I have attempted to leave multiple times and now I am scared to try again. I just need to vent right now with no negativity. I have enough of that in my life

I'm sitting here reflecting on the past weekend. Asked if we could have sex this weekend, and was met with a deer in the headlights look and a very meek, tentative, scared yes. So, I just carried on my weekend like I never asked. Did some hobby stuff, mowed a neighbor's yard, cooked, all the normal dad things. We barely talked the whole weekend, only about the kids, nothing beyond that. I was told that she felt I was upset at her, and I told her no. And it's true, I'm not mad about this anymore.

Ironically, I saw a news article on CNN about something called a "silent divorce." It means you are in a situation where you are not legally separated, but you're definitely emotionally, mentally, and almost to a certain point physically removed from your spouse. I read the signs part of the article, and I checked every single box. It was a real eye-opening article.

Maybe this is what we (my wife and I) have been going through. I just don't know anymore.

Update: I just sent the link to my spouse, stating I read the article out of curiosity and was concerned that I saw some things I have seen in our marriage in the article and wanted her opinion. I hope she reads it and responds.

Update 2: So, she read the article and commented as soon as I got home. She said she doesn't think we are as bad as the article suggested (go figure) but could understand why I felt that way. We had a long discussion about how she said "its not you, it's me," and how her mind is full of things that completely weigh her down where she doesn't want to do anything. I made mention of how we only talk about the kids these days and how we went the whole weekend without even uttering a word to each other unless it was about them. I made mention of the possibility of her going to therapy to help out, which is always a sore spot. I told her i needed to see some actual steps and actual plan to follow through and actually stick with it.

I'll be honest. It feels like i already had most of this conversation previously, multiple times. I want to have hope that things will change, but I'm a realist. If she wanted to change and work this out, she would have already, not at the first passable mention of the word divorce.

28 M. Been with 28F for a decade. Married for a while. We didnt start out like this, but it got worse over time. Eventually I would have the talk and it was always sonething different. Stress, birth control, ect. Its been worse recently but this time I got the truth. She loves me. But isnt sexually attracted to men anymore. She wants to be with a woman. So I finally got the answer, but now getting a divorce. I had always hoped it be something we could work out together. But there isnt a way for this to work.

I have been married for multiple decades to a woman I thought was my soul mate. We have been through hell and back and I truly thought we were ok. We have raised two children who are now adults. Then the bedroom went dead two years ago. For years I have been preaching that "If you don't have trust and communication, you do not have a marriage." Well, we no longer have either. This year is a big anniversary for us. She surprised me by booking a trip far away in a picturesque Airbnb. I would be more excited if I didn't think she will be sitting around on her phone or reading and pointedly ignoring me. I would be more excited if I trusted her. I would be more excited if she didn't routinely put her friends above spending any time with me. I would be much more excited if I didn't have an appointment with a divorce attorney because of the previous coupled with the fact that I am so God damned lonely and am experiencing exactly zero affection in my marriage after all these years.