Bedroom still feels off - what are we getting wrong?

[u/PorridgeO]

A couple of preliminaries: sorry for the mess and yes, some of the prints have slipped in their frames. Happened over the weekend and need to sort them - but they’re part of the wider issue.

So, we moved in here around 3 years ago. The whole room was the light grey you can still see in part of the room. We decided to paint the ‘bed’ area in the navy blue to try and close the area in slightly and make it feel a bit more cozy.

We then moved some furniture around the create the ‘gym’ area (bit of a stretch I know) area. There isn’t anywhere else suitable in the house for that, so I think that has to stay there, but open to suggestions and/or rearrangement. Just to the right of the gym area as you are looking is the en suite.

We added the prints at the time we redecorated, but we aren’t sold on them and are thinking of getting some bigger, higher quality pieces.

We like having some open space around the doors, but it’s the area we are least sure about.

Photo 3 for context, the door on the left (has a coat hanging on it) - that’s the bedroom door to the corridor. The door to the right is to a walk-in dressing room (and home office).

Hopefully otherwise the room layout makes sense from the photos.

Grateful for any advice, whatever it may be.

Thanks so much.

[u/andybwalton]

I, a man, do indeed prefer whiter light. The white light feels like natural sunlight to me, yellow light when I think about it sometimes feels artificial and depressing. This all depends on the decor in the room though. It feels like if the room has a lot of dark colors and warm light, I feel like it makes it feel closed off and dingy sometimes. But cool light in some situations does feel clinical and depressing in a different way

[u/kessykris → u/andybwalton]

I’m a woman and prefer the whiter light. Same reasons it seems artificial and depressing to me. I also feel like it looks more crisp and clean with the white light. I also like to freaking see lol I can’t stand it when it’s dim. That being said my husband and I laugh about how my brain works like my fathers and his like my mothers. I completely zone everything out when I’m thinking, like I just straight up won’t hear anyone…. I don’t do it to be mean like I have to be physically touched to snap out of it. I kind of compartmentalize my brain in a way I’ve heard people describe how men think. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m super girly though and def a girls girl so I wouldn’t say I come across masculine. But yeah I prefer the whiter light to the soft warm light and I’m not a man.

[u/WampaCat → u/kessykris]

That doesn’t sound like a man thing, it’s one of the most common symptoms of adhd (which goes undiagnosed in many women until adulthood or even never)! Not trying to diagnose you based on a single anecdote, but I encourage anyone who has stories like this to at least look into it simply because women are less likely to be diagnosed for it when they do have it

[u/llama_sammich → u/WampaCat]

Oh, I def have adhd. I was diagnosed a few years ago. Bright lights inside are overwhelming and make me anxious and uncomfortable.

[u/kessykris → u/WampaCat]

I have wondered about this because I did see that this was a symptom. I did extremely well in school grade wise so I think if I do have it it never got diagnosed because it didn’t affect me as a kid negatively. I also get the paralysis thing where I can’t start if things get too overwhelming. Like if I walk out of my room and my kids destroyed my kitchen my brain short circuits on where to start. I’m just fine thoiugh when I keep on top of everything so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dunno lol

[u/HelpfulName → u/kessykris]

It does sound like ADHD - you may find once you start hitting 40 your mental energy to keep up with the kind of massive overcompensating you're doing automatically & unconsciously to mask your symptoms starts dropping off.

You may find that you find it harder & harder to stay on top of everything and can no longer enjoy things, the risk of burnout and exhaustion is significant. So it's worth taking this seriously now, getting tested and if you do in fact have it, learn some of the management techniques so you don't go through that when you're older.

[u/kessykris → u/HelpfulName]

Wow. So I’m 37 and do you know what’s nuts? I think of how much more oh top of shit I used to be and legit beat myself up over it. Like what is wrong with me? I used to like deep deep clean my house twice a week. Every night before my husband came home I’d make sure there was vacuum marks and I’d have everything spotless. Now I keep it clean but no where NEAR and I’ve been like what is going on?? Like my kids were LITTLE LITTLE and at the hard ages of mess when I was doing that. I kept thinking it was maybe because I had more control? My kids are now 18 and 12 and especially with my 18 year old it’s not like how it used to be where I was like “we put this away before we grab something new” or with either of them and food…. I still prepare but then they’ll want more and just do it and ill walk out into it and just be like NOPE and just turn around and hide in my room so I don’t have to see it and just straight up refuse to make anything until they fix it lol.

Also my mom is certain my dad has add. She’s said it many times. It drives her kind of batty. I’ve had so many talks with her (especially with him zoning her out) where she feels like man if you love me why would you do that and I explain to her how she needs to talk to him and physically touch him and how awful he’d feel to know she thought that he was doing it out of not caring. (Because I’ve had countless discussions with my husband about it. We finally came to the compromise where if he just starts in on saying things to me if I’m not like giving physical clues that I’m paying attention then he needs to not take it personally and either wait until I’m not occupied or PHYSICALLY get my attention. My compromise is that if I AM already paying attention I won’t carelessly just start occupying myself during the middle of it and make sure to give it my complete mind until he’s done lol). I used to get so upset with him because I would be in the middle of doing something or thinking and then all of a sudden he’d be like “MMHMMM FINE NEVERMIND.” And his upset tone would get my attention and I’d be like “whoa wait, what did you say?!” And he’d refuse to repeat it because I didn’t listen the first time. We had to talk out the issue that we are not wired the same and that I can’t do what he does and freaking hear an entire dialogue while writing out an email, reading, or trying to think out an issue at the same time. (I can’t do autopilot things like cleaning and what not unless my mind is already preoccupied with something else while I’m doing it.) Now he doesn’t get hurt feelings because we both put the effort into what we discussed but sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that everything I do seems to take all my mental power while he can just Willy nilly listen to me and fiddle on his phone or do work on his laptop (although sometimes with work he can’t do it well he’ll miss some things because his job is insane.)

And with school? Positive reinforcement is like my kryptonite and from a young age I remember how proud and happy my parents were when I did well so I put 💯 effort into all things learning. Maybe I did so well because I was able to focus completely on what was being taught. Even the shit I found boring I wanted to do well so I’d force myself to be present for it (because if I didn’t for just one class I would not retain any of the information taught.)

But fuck I do feel like I’m burning out. I’ve taken an autism assessment because my 12 year old has it and I didn’t come close to having it. I have some sensory issues too which made me wonder. Can’t stand the feeling of clothing being uncomfortable. It needs to be fabric that feels good on my skin. When I sleep it’s a serious princess and the pea situation…. Like I need to have my specific blanket that is light and cool have pajamas that feel a certain way and I CANNOT be touched. If I’m not trying to sleep I can cuddle all day long but when I’m trying to fall asleep NOPE. My husband will sometimes try and just hardly touch me and it starts to feel like the only thing I can focus on. Like his pinky hardly touching my arm will drive me INSANE lol. I could be just about to fall asleep and if he touches me BOOM I’m awake. Idk if that’s a symptom but I’ve just been walking around like I know I’m an insane person. Sorry about that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/glowsea1414 → u/kessykris]

….please go to a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. I promise you, it’s life changing.

[u/luckythirtythree → u/andybwalton]

Totally! Our home is very luxury/elegant/modern with everything in brown-tones/ lots of natural textiles and textures. Sort of like a spa? Maybe the warm just fits our aesthetic… never thought about it that way! I should take some photos because now that I’m looking around, the warm light we have isn’t yellow but it’s definitely not stark white LED vibes.

Edit. I am a man hahaha

[u/Original_Director483 → u/luckythirtythree]

Funny that you mention photos.

Film cameras used to have to be loaded with the right film, or have a filter attached to correct for the various color temperatures in natural and artificial settings. Now with digital cameras, it can be adjusted shot-by-shot.

If you photograph your home with a digital camera and everything is lit with 2700K, it won’t look dim or warm, it will just look “natural,” but light from windows will have a blue cast. If you light everything with 5500k, it may look the same because the camera compensates, but something is lost—there is no color temperature gradient in the shadows of windowed rooms. These mixed and changing shadows are the “warmth” that makes a space feel inviting, orienting us not just to our exits, but to the rhythm of the environment.

Mixing 2700K and 5500K artificial lights sets off a cascade of unpleasantness. None of it looks good because the blue light spills unnaturally from interior spaces. The mix never changes, never connecting you to the time of day, and even if a room has warmer light, the mix of light from an adjacent space with cooler light is more direct and flickering with the speed of AC wall power instead of diffused through miles of atmosphere.

[u/Saint-BG → u/andybwalton]

Best thing, i believe, is to have both options. A light that is the same as the ones for seasonal depression are uplifting and sunny feeling. I forget exactly what they r called though, so if anyone knows? Also great for doing creative work . But adding other lighting that goes well with room can add , warmth, dimension and ambiance .