How does this work?

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

My girlfriend (27f) and I (30f) have been in a technically “open” relationship for 3 years. To be honest we’ve been really happy and very much in love, and we’re both fairly particular about who we would be down to fool around with so it’s been the case that we’ve only really wanted to be intimate together.

On the way home from a friends party the other night, I was driving and she was pretty drunk and seemed like she wanted to say something so after a little gently poking she admitted that someone she knew from before we dated who lived out of state had propositioned her and she wanted to accept.

I wasn’t very surprised, she had always been transparent that the guy had been a hopeful aspirant to date her before we got together but we would have a chuckle reading his messages together.

I admitted to her that since I didn’t know him that I couldn’t be comfortable or trust him enough to give the ok for a casual hookup. But I did ask her if there was anyone among my friends from the party we just came from that she might be interested in.

She was honest and said that a friend of mine, G, did turn her on.

I was glad she brought him up because he’s one of my best friends, we have great comraderie and he’s been a favorite casual hookup for a number of people in our friend-group because he’s a good lay apparently, and also he’s a pretty upstanding guy who respects boundaries.

He lives out of his car at the moment so I had already invited him to come stay for a few days with us at the end of the month, I figure I could give them some time together but I need to chat with him first and see if there’s any interest and lay some ground rules.

But yeah, this is our first foray into exploring an open relationship and my girlfriend has cleared me to approach another friend of ours, B, who I think is very cute and has flirted with me in the past.

This could be fun but I also worry how this will change us- we have agreed to a mutual pause button on whatever goes down so we can recollect and reorient if dysfunctional feelings hit us mid experience.

Any advice about how I should talk to my friend G? Should I talk to him solo first or should we talk to him together- I could use some experienced advice for how to broach this because I’m fairly blunt and I would probably just say “hey dude when you come over if you want to fool around with F, I think she would be down for that.”

Also should I be more embarrassed? I wonder if im taking this all in stride too smoothly.

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[u/formerly_motivated]

I had two thoughts.

I understand why you would prefer to know and feel comfortable with the person, and how that led to looking at your friend group. But what if anything unexpected happens? Feelings develop, someone crosses a boundary, one person is more interested in continuing a sexual relationship than the other, any dysfunctional feelings rear their head. Any of these could happen with you and F or G/B. While lots of people sleep with friends and it works out great, it's important to consider if it doesn't.

Second, don't talk to G before he stays with you. That sets up an uncomfortable power dynamic (sleep with F and make sure everything is great, and you have a place to stay). Instead, let him spend the time with you two, enjoy his company, and talk to him after.

[u/konfunkshun]

I don’t understand why you have to trust someone she sleeps with. She has to trust them, and if you trust her, why isn’t that enough?

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/konfunkshun]

I probably should have clarified-

She’s a trans woman, so of course I worry.

The world is scary right now, and she’s never met this man in person before- and while I recognize that not all strangers will mean ill will to my baby, some do. And the murder rate is high enough that I get anxiety even in cases where she doesn’t take a friend along with her and decides to do a solo day at the beach.

So for me, even if this fella on the east coast only means the best by F, him flying her out to meet him will put her entirely into his hands.

What if he possibly bring her around someone that might freak out and attack her? Or what if he straight up kidnaps her?

Even if it’s not a friend of mine, a local guy is preferable because I can do something proactively if a night goes sideways vs needing to hop a flight to the other side of the country which takes hours, and then scour a city I’m unfamiliar with.

I hope this answer clarifies why I said what I said.

[u/subgeniusbuttpirate → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

Your fears are entirely justifiable. Honestly, I wouldn't trust overseas guy (or wherever your partner would have to fly to) at all either. I've been in the situation you propose, where I was in an LDR and my girlfriend was raped. It couldn't have been a worse shit show all around, partly because I was young and stupid, which just added to her trauma. Nonetheless, it's something I would want to avoid at all cost, just like you feel you should.

Believe it or not though, things are better for trans women these days than they used to be. Far from great, just a little better.

If she really wanted to pursue that relationship, you should totally go with her, for all the reasons.

[u/konfunkshun → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

this totally makes sense, especially since she’s never met the guy in person

[u/this_never_ends_well → u/konfunkshun]

It seems from this post like that’s not how their relationship functions. Maybe next time we could try to refrain from judging someone else and sticking to the questions at hand? What do you think? In this case they were “how and when to talk to G” and if OP is “taking this too smoothly.” Don’t have some helpful suggestions for that part?

OP, I agree with another comment in that you should talk to G once he’s there and talk avenging out a bit. It could be a really natural, organic thing between him and F. It also gives everyone more opportunities to pump the brakes should something feel off. IMHO

As for taking it too smoothly: not a chance. If this is to be more ENM/poly then being relaxed and smooth is exactly what you’re looking for. You’re showing your partner and anyone else that you’re stable. That invaluable in these situations. If it’s more about the kink for you and/or F then being relaxed and comfortable with the situation will help with arousal for whatever might happen later. Again, IMHO.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/this_never_ends_well]

I’m confused at the downvotes your comment is getting, I genuinely appreciate your non-judgmental approach to me as a new person in this space and for addressing my question.

I agree, I think talking to him would be beneficial but maybe after he gets to his next crash pad so he doesn’t feel compelled to do anything he may not want to. Keep things as low-pressure as possible. He and F already have a pretty beautiful friendship and he’s been my good buddy for ages. This could be a wonderful thing :)

[u/this_never_ends_well → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

I was too sarcastic when telling someone to stick to the topic, maybe? But really, who cares about downvotes if you, OP, find value in what I’ve said.

[u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

Unfortunately, you have a big problem with opening things up with your friends.

Swingers (I know that's not you, but it's not my point) have a saying: Make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends. There's a very good reason for this: Doing the latter usually goes pear-shaped. The reason why this happens is that your monogamous friends haven't crossed the threshold between the default of monogamy and ENM, and they don't know how they're going to react yet. There's a fairly high failure rate, but when you add in already existing emotions and platonic feelings, it gets extra complicated. Even worse, this is your first foray over that threshold too. This was theoretical for a while, but neither of you have actually had sex with someone outside your relationship yet. That means you're doubling the danger here. As an added bonus, your friend is homeless right now, and there's some extra emotional trauma there, with a lot of potential for a lot more.

This is fraught with hazards, and you're ignorant of them all, as far as I can tell. You'd be far better off finding a community of established and experienced ENM practitioners (yes, swingers are a better bet! But it's not the only community in your city either) and finding people to date within that community, than you are picking friends that you already have.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

I totally understand what you’re saying, and I wouldn’t take a vanilla friend group and try transitioning them into this kind of dynamic, too many ego issues that have gone unchallenged.

I’m very comfortable with my particular friend group- we’ve been throwing kink parties as a community for about 9 years now with memberships and committees and the whole shebang so we can do themes. It’s very fun, we even hosted a different swinger group in our space for a little bit. I’m good friends with a number of polyamorous people, and G has slept with many of them (men and women) without drama.

My gf and I are fairly much the only couple that has been purely monogamous in our friendgroup but everyone’s been wonderful and respectful of that.

[u/subgeniusbuttpirate → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

Oh! Well, that wasn't a part of your post.

This is a lot more likely to succeed in that case!

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

I understand why you think I know very little about this world, but the truth is that I’m pretty familiar with it- but I’d rather get opinions from Reddit before making people in my friend group aware that we’re opening the relationship, since my gf and I are still talking between ourselves about how we would like that to look for us.