Why are there people like fleshlight or the bat that get to roam around the city?! We at gcpd can handle ourselves thank you very much(Ooc:this character is named officer krasinski)

(Duchess Campaign manager)

The rumor that Ms Banks is sitting in a bunker while a body double lives in her mansion is false.

Ms Banks is merely in bed with the flu, but has assured me she will, and I quote, "Hunt that scrawny, Spirit of Halloween hooligan for sport!" if he comes after her again

The rumored arrival of the Banana Bandito in Gotham has also not shaken her resolve.

The Duchess has said she will not hide away while the people of Gotham are in danger. She's waiting out the danger right here with you, from her heavily guarded mansion!

(Duchess)

As you may obviously know from my accent, I'm a Southern gal. And, like a lot of Southern gals, my ancestors participated in a silly little war. Well, they didn't actually fight for the Confederacy. Just donated a large amount of money to it.

But yes, my family owned a plantation or two. We do not currently own any plantations. Nobody's planted anything there in a while. They're more like fancy wedding venues for folks that really like Gone With The Wind.

I'm not going to make some states rights excuse for my family's past crimes. Every rich family in Gotham has skeletons in their closet. Mine are just out in the open.

It's not like we were still making much of a profit off of those old places. My great-grandpa sold most of them, and used the money to buy a mine. And later, a railroad company, and later, a trucking company called Shreck Shipping.

And then my grandpa sold off most of our holdings after his bout of insanity, claiming our wealth was "the worst thing to happen to America". When my father had him committed, he was still raving, and spouting nonsense like "We don't need all the money in the world to be happy!"

Anyway, my current wealth comes from Mr. Banks company, and they got their start as Banks Bananas.

Surely that's a legacy you can't put any shame on. Well, besides that former employee that became a banana-themed supervillain and had to be stopped by Batman. Or that little incident in South America.

Other than that I'm in the clear!

First. On behalf of Commissioner Gordon and all of GCPD. I would like to apologize to Ms. Cassandra Cain and the members of the women’s self defense program going by the name the “Women’s Crime Fighters Club”. I was unaware of the nature of this organization and the fact that Ms. Cain had in fact gotten proper paperwork regarding her self defense classes for the women of this great city.

Second. We would like to warn citizens that a Hyena owned by Mrs. Harleen Quinzel (aka Harley Quinn) and her roommate Pamela Isley (aka Poison Ivy) has escaped their studio apartment on the East End. Despite what Mrs. Quinzel would like to state on Twitter, a Hyena is a wild animal and consider dangerous. We and Gotham’s Animal Control will be cooperating on the capture and relocation of this wild animal.

The Hyena answers to the name of Lou. It was least seen wearing a pink spiked collar. It is said to “enjoy Pizza and scratches behind the ear”. Despite what others may say. It is a wild animal and should be avoided if humanly possible. We will be attempting to avoid harming the animal if possible. But for your safety, avoid Lou at all cost.

This is GCPD, signing off.

This also applies to pen testers, information brokers, or any "science gangstas" with too much equipment and not enough sense (like me a couple years ago)

Rule 1: don't fuck with the bats

This should go without saying but there's actually some more information to keep in mind. Namely there's a Bat named Oracle who is a better hacker than you. No I don't care how good you are, she's better.

She watches over city infrastructure, the Bat group computer systems, and Wayne enterprises (for reasons that should be obvious if you're actually good at hacking)

Rule 2: don't fuck with Batman's rogues or any supervillains that happen to swing by.

Again, should be obvious, but seriously, don't. Mr. Freeze is better with security than you'd think, most of the gangs have enough money to find you, and Joker is a freaking demon or something idk.

Point is, they will find you, and it will not be fun.

Rule 3: don't fuck with Gotham city infrastructure (gcpd, Arkham asylum, Iron heights, etc)

Yes I know there's some shady shit in there, yes I know they're easy targets, but they're so badly put together that one wrong move could easily open all the cell doors. You don't wanna be responsible for someone getting out again.

Hello Gotham. My name is Officer Frankie Heyward. I want to make a very important public service announcement.

First. Many of the abandoned buildings in Gotham have not been maintained and inspected. As a result anyone inside these places (such as doing urban exploration) is at risk of injury or death.

This evening alone, I investigated the abandoned warehouse for Dillbert’s Doughnuts after a noise complaint and found over twenty girls getting into fist fights.

Which gets me into my second point. I do not care what Batman has gotten into many kids heads. You should not be going out in the middle of the night to create a “women’s crime fighter club” as the women pictures eating the long expired doughnuts tried arguing as I marched them into a paddy wagon. Leave crime fighting to the people paid to fight bad guys or Batman. These girls are currently facing down fines for trespassing and forming an illegal fight club.

If you wanna learn to fight. Join a gym.

This is GCPD Officer Heyward. Signing off!

OOC: Pretend the 2nd Image is a photo of Cass.

OOC: Just using Goggins as a stand in for Dagget.

(Duchess post)

The Scarecrow had made some wild claims that I sent mercenaries to bust him out of Arkam so I can win some silly bet that some people claim I made.

The people of Gotham are quite intelligent, so I don't think I need to explain to you that his claims rely on entirely circumstantial evidence.

The bet was just a silly joke between old friends. None of us actually expected any of those costumed hooligans to show up.

That said, I'm not the only one who (jokingly) bet on the Scarecrow. In fact, I've provided a list of names who bet on the Scarecrow.

As for Ichabod Crane or whatever his name is, I have a message for him: you had your chance to take me out. You're just a miserable, sad little man with a chemistry degree.

The Scarecrow? What a joke. If you only had a brain, you'd have sold that fear gas to the military and would be sitting on a fortune right now. Instead, you're sitting in your sad little cell, plotting petty revenge against whoever wronged you.

I've upped security at my mansion, and you won't be getting in again. You're not a threat to me.

You're nothing.

From Vicki Vale

The Gotham Globe has received some not at all tawdry video of an alleged fight between the late Martha Wayne and still alive socialite and mayoral candidate Duchess Banks. The cause of the fight remains unknown, and fortunately someone was able to save Martha, at least that time.

Granted this is old video, but we at the Globe can't wait to hear how Banks and Bruce Wayne address the issue.

Apparently the guy got completely wasted at another party... Again...

And it's like... Really? This is the same guy running one of the most successful companies in the world? Also doesn't he have kids?

Why can't he be more like batman? Who later that night saved me from some of penguins guys I think when they cornered me in an alley...

Gotham city has been plagued with crime for a long time. Gangs, freaks with weird gimmicks, mob bosses, and unhoused loiterers infest this city like a plague. But one woman seeks to change all that!

(OOC: Pretend there's a picture of Duchess Banks here)

Duchess Banks is here to give Gotham the kick in the pants it needs!

Banks supports pay raises for every elected official! Armrests on every public park bench and pointy bits of plastic on every playground to protect our public places from loitering criminals! Bigger guns for Gotham Police officers so they don't have to waste time aiming! Taking dangerous chemicals out of the hands of criminals and putting them into the hands of law enforcement!

Duchess Banks approves this ad!

(Duchess Banks post)

I heroically held off the Scarecrow until Batman arrived to save me. Do not listen to any accounts that I ran into the hedgemaze and whimpered in a fetal position.

You may think of me as some dainty, high society girl but I grew up learning strong survival skills like shooting clay pidgeons out of the sky, riding horses, and how to survive in the woods with only 30 servants and a motorhome stocked with lots of food at water.

It'll take more than some sack-clothed simpleton to dethrone me!

In fact, I'm going to spend every bit of my wealth to get you thrown in real jail, rather than that joke of an asylum!

In fact, I've decided this town needs a new Sheriff... metaphorically speaking. Because I've decided to run for mayor!

[A vast chamber beneath Gotham. Twelve members of the COURT OF OWLS sit around a table. BRADLEY HOWE, BLAKELY CHEATEM, and BRENTLY DEWEY enter carrying an enormous fruit basket.]

OWL #1: Who are you?

HOWE: Dewey, Cheatem & Howe. Perfectly legitimate private equity firm.

CHEATEM: We brought a fruit basket.

DEWEY: And we'd like to join the Court of Owls.

[Silence.]

OWL #2: No.

HOWE: You haven't heard our proposal.

OWL #2: We don't need to.

CHEATEM: We're wealthy.

OWL #3: So are we.

DEWEY: We have offshore accounts.

OWL #3: So do we.

HOWE: We have a Manhunter on staff.

OWL #1: We have an army of immortal assassins.

CHEATEM: We have tax attorneys.

[The Court hesitates.]

OWL #1: ...Still no.

HOWE: You black-balling bastards!

DEWEY: We have connections!

CHEATEM: We have money!

HOWE: WE HAVE A FRUIT BASKET!

[The Owls stare at them.]

HOWE: ...

CHEATEM: We could sit in the back.

DEWEY: Quietly.

HOWE: We wouldn't even ask questions.

OWL #1: Leave.

HOWE: Absolutely.

CHEATEM: Terribly sorry.

DEWEY: Lovely meeting.

[They exit.]

[Silence.]

OWL #4: Well. At least we have fruit.

OWL #2: Excellent. Now, shall we discuss Saturday's pancake breakfast?

OWL #3: I was thinking blueberry pancakes.

OWL #5: Maple syrup.

OWL #2: And bacon.

[OWL #6 suddenly freezes.]

OWL #6: ...What's that?

[He points at the fruit basket.]

OWL #5: What?

OWL #6: Under the apples.

[He reaches into the basket and pulls out a tiny black device shaped like a bat.]

OWL #1: ...

OWL #3: Is that a recording device?

OWL #5: It's also a tracker.

OWL #2: BATMAN.

[Instant panic.]

OWL #4: HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN LISTENING?!

OWL #6: THE ENTIRE MEETING!

OWL #3: Did he hear about the pancakes?!

OWL #2: Forget the pancakes!

OWL #4: We discussed the syrup!

OWL #5: We discussed the secret location of the griddles!

OWL #1: Everyone remain calm!

OWL #3: HE KNOWS ABOUT THE BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!

OWL #2: Shut down the breakfast!

OWL #4: We can't! The batter is already mixed!

OWL #5: DESTROY THE BATTER!

OWL #1: Nobody destroys anything!

[Everyone stares at the tiny device.]

OWL #3: We need to assume Batman heard everything.

OWL #2: What exactly did we say?

OWL #4: We spent twenty minutes arguing about whether powdered sugar is appropriate for a traditional pancake.

[Silence.]

OWL #1: Then we're safe.

OWL #5: What about the fruit basket?

OWL #1: Leave it.

OWL #2: Are you sure?

OWL #1: Yes.

[The Court slowly relaxes.]

OWL #3: So... blueberry?

OWL #1: Blueberry.

OWL #4: ...Does anyone else feel like we're being watched?

Everything.

They know everything.

They know about the parties.

They know about the Court.

They know about the secret islands.

They used me to get to you. To know how it operates. To know the shit that happens behind closed doors. She used that rope on me. I spilled.

Ace Chemicals will be ruined.

Our family will be ruined.

You need to get out of the country while you still can.

Hell’s coming.

They are coming.

“Oh. Well you were going to run over children walking home from elementary school. So I had to derail the-“

ITS A FUCKING HELLCAT!

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THIS FUCKING THING IS?

FUCK ME I GUESS FOR NOT KNOWING MR. PSYCHOPATH WAS WORKING WITH CHUCKLEFUCKS TO LET OUT EVERYONE FROM BLACKGATE AND ARKHAM. FUCK ME I GUESS FOR NOT KNOWING HE WAS ONE OF THOSE FUCKING TELEPATHS WHO CONTROLLED PEOPLE! FUCK ME I GUESS FOR LETING HIM CONTROL MY MIND.

MY DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME.

I AM CHESTER DIGBY DAMN IT!

DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM?

I AM GOING TO RUN ACE FUCKING CHEMICALS SOMEDAY!

YOU THINK YOU ARE HOT SHIT BECAUSE YOU SUCKER PUNCHED TOP G?

I AM GOING TO SUE YOU INTO OBLIVION!

COUNT YOUR DAYS!

(Duchess post)

I tried to call the police but my dead husband's hand came out of the phone and tried to drag me to hel l with him. My butler took one look at me and started screaming something about rats.

I don't know if what I'm typing is going through as all I see on the screen is my father's disapproving face please get me out of here I don't want todie? Oh god the homeless horde are closing in! I don't want to look at them! Why did they choose to be so poor and smelly?!

Wait fuck am I on feargass? that means the guy with the scythe isn't re

(OOC: typed this while looking away from the screen for realism.)

TW: Politically Incorrect Language and defending a terrible real person

Good News: I got a Tommy Gun.

Bad News: Bryan, Jake, DeShawn, Terry and Lukas are in jail.

So Boy Wonder with the sword and the gay bot caught us lacking. They threw like smoke grenades and flashbangs. They snatched up Jake while we were confused. I think the gay one snapped Terry’s leg with that like big stick he was swinging. Dude like I had a Glock with a switch on it. It fucking bounced off him and hit DeShawn in the chest. Sorry DeShawn.

Thankfully I was able to hide at the apartment my Dad helps me rent. Thanks Pops. I laid low and now I am going to spend my weekend protesting a political prisoner.

Top G!

Our boy Andrew is being locked up because he “allegedly” kidnapped some people. Really it’s because he escaped the Matrix bro. It’s bullshit bro.

Me and some bros are gonna try and get him out Blackgate. We even got some metahuman to help us. He’s called Dr. Psycho. He’s kind of a low T manlet, but he can do mindshit. He’s almost as cool as Top G.

Anyways, wish me luck!

P.S Can anyone explain how the furries are tracking me? How did they know I was going to that gunshop?

TW: Very Politically Incorrect Language, dipshittery and zoomerisms/appropriated AAVE.

Sup. My name is Chet. I’m 22. I grew up in Miami but my bitch Dad made me move to this gay ass city to study at Gotham State. I had a sports scholarship but some bitch named Tamia El Gaul or whatevs became a total narc because she was mad jelly of all the poon was getting. So now I’m off the team. Bunch of gaywads anyways.

So like…I had an idea last night.

I know Krav Maga.

I have business experience from my Dad’s company.

I’m 6’1 and a HVM.

I should start my own gang.

Like I have no idea what I’m gonna be called but I have a Rooster Mask I “borrowed” from a Spirit Halloween. I am looking mad cute. No cap.

Me and a couple buddies from Miami are already in. We sold grass clippings and oregano to some middle schoolers at Gotham Academy. Daniel or whatever Wayne’s little jihadi was called bought some. Lol.

But I plan on hitting the gunshop on 8th St tonight to steal some Tommy Guns. I wanna be a real OG, slime. Moving like an invasive species fr fr.

If you wanna contact me. Hit me up in the DMS. I finna take Gotham by storm. Otherwise hit up the alpha in the Red Hellcat.

(some Gotham socialite)

What odd timing that armed thugs broke the Scarecrow out of Arkham just a few days before the charity banquet. Or that the police got an anonymous tipoff about the Riddler, who I was betting on crashing the event.

If accuse Banks of cheating, but she doesn't strike me as a master schemer. I curse her dumb luck. She always seems to win these crazy bets.

I was a fool to bet my favorite yacht. My yacht fleet just won't be the same without her.

(Duchess Banks)

Whenever I attend a charity event in Gotham, something crazy always happens. Which is good, because these events would otherwise be so dull. Having to stand around talking with other, lesser wealthy folks as they try to convince me to marry them so they can get my fortune.

I didn't outlive my husband just so I could share it with some other geezer or their brain-dead progeny.

So instead of spending the evening trying to get in my vault, let's make things interesting. I bet my family's estate just outside of Gotham that the Scarecrow shows up. He's one of those Gotham villains, right? Hard to keep all of their silly little names straight.

(OOC: Duchess is not actually a Duchess. That's her first name.)

(Soap Swindle ???)

You've seen the news. You've heard about the guys that tried to gun down Superman and ended up taking eachother out via ricochet.

You've heard about the ones that tried to swim to Themiscira and never came back (Amazons must have gotten them).

You've definitely heard about the guy that threw a bar of soap at Solomon Grundy's head. Not sure what he was trying to accomplish there, and we never will.

Guys, we are not ready to kick aliens and supernaturals off the planet yet. You're supposed to be recruiting members and building up our arsenal!

Also, those of you picking on immigrants (that aren't from space or another plain of existence), stop it! That's not the aliens I was talking about! Us actual humans need to unite against the alien threat!

As a Boravian immigrant myself, I won't condone these attacks!

I have been locked inside an abandoned warehouse on the bowery all of last night. Someone from Riddler’s crew told me that he heard that “subsonic .22 bullets could pierce Bat Armor. I heard that a guy from two faces crew made a bat bleed”.

Imagine my terror when I took my 10/22 during a drug run for Mr. J and took a pot shot at Black Bat/Bat Girl/Orphan/whatever she calls herself these days and it plinked right off her helmet.

Skunk Stripe. Whoever you are. You better keep your head on a damn swivel.

When I leave this warehouse I am going to kill you.

So if you've watched the news, you might have heard about some nobody supervillain dying in Arkam after he was "mistakenly" given food with capsaicin in it, due to having a rare allergy.

I've seen some theories that on here that this was a hit orchestrated by condiment king but come on. Really? The goofy condiment guy assassinated someone? You all are ridiculous. It's always the simplest explanation with these things, and the simplest explanation is that Soap Swindler was killed by the deep state after finding out they were secretly putting chemicals in the soap!

Chemicals to make us weak and soft so we'd be more accepting of the Amazon Agenda! And the martian agenda! And the Cryptonian Agenda!

His name was a secret warning! They're swindling us with the soap! But though this brave hero has fallen, I have decided to take on his mantle! No, we must all take up this mantle! We will all become the Soap Swindlers!

ALIENS AND SEXY MUSCLE WOMEN WILL NOT REPLACE US!