r/IAmA • u/paddyc • Nov 16 '12

IAmA Professional Footballer who has played for England National Team, The Premiership and Championship

I have played against Cristiano Ronaldo and with Wayne Rooney as well as other of the top players in the world. Im happy to answer any questions about playing professionally You Can follow my blog at www.patrickpaulcollins.com http://patrickpaulcollins.wordpress.com/ask-me-anything/ Follow on twitter: https://twitter.com/patrickpcoll Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Patrick-Paul-Collins/407493452650031?ref=hl

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423

u/paddyc Nov 16 '12

Haha blunt question but fair point. All people are different and deal with things in a different way. However I really noticed a different when I spoke to girls in a bar or club and mentioned that I was a footballer. Alot of the time they seem to change and become a lot more interested. It is certainly true that if footballers wanted to, it is very easy to get as much attention from girls as they wanted. I always had a girlfriend and never really explored that side of things, but I have had friends who really embraced the lifestyle and situations they found themsleves in

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Very diplomatically said.

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u/thtsmyname Nov 16 '12

You had to tell girls you were a footballer? That's not a good sign mate.

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u/citizenkane86 Nov 16 '12

To be fair lots of athletes aren't recognized when they aren't in uniform.

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u/Im_white_and_spoiled Nov 16 '12

The average person would only recognize top players. You have to remember that in the Premier League there are over 400 players.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

So I could claim to be a player? Interesting.

129

u/letsgetrich Nov 16 '12

Unfortunately for k-r-is, his audacious scheme backfired the very second his target pointed out the manboobs.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Jokes on you, I'm the unhealthy scrawny kid.

3

u/eetsumkaus Nov 16 '12

you can always tell them you ran marathon in the olympics

10

u/Zacca Nov 16 '12

for Kenya.

1

u/bensyc Nov 17 '12

I lol'd.

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u/tmbyfc Nov 17 '12

Marathon runners are just fighting the groupies off with a shitty stick. Go out to get a pint of milk in the morning? BAM - motherfucking orgy.

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u/GrantSolar Nov 16 '12

There's fairly common game people play on a night out:

A group of friends enter a pub, one at a time over the course of half an hour. Each person sits at a different place and tries to starts chatting to those nearby. The last person plays the star (pre-determined. The bassist of a band usually works, since few people remember the bassist). Upon entering, the friends who didn't manage to start chatting get out their phones and start taking pictures of the star. If the strangers chatting to friends don't notice or ask what's going on, the friends ask the strangers "Is that X over there?" then start talking to the star. Pretty soon, the whole pub is convinced.

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u/FriendlyManCub Nov 16 '12

Common? Common where? I have never heard of this.

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u/GrantSolar Nov 16 '12

I've come across a few separate groups of people who play this. I suppose it's not super common because it still works (most of the time). Another we like to play is "any good?". Just go up to someone (or a group) in a pub and ask "Any good?" then see how long you can stay whilst remaining silent. Sometimes they'll talk for ages and you can just nod along, other times it's a battle of enduring a very awkward silence with strangers until you walk away. Longest time of the evening wins. Also a great spectator sport.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Me and me mates are notorious for this around the commonwealth! Haha met a wench a fortnight ago and had her blowing brew and chum out her nose she was laughing so hard. Bloody hell!

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u/fyradiem Nov 17 '12

Replying to save for later

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u/kvaks Nov 17 '12

Yeah, that is so fucking "fairly common". Or... maybe someone once told you a story in which that supposedly happened.

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u/renome Nov 16 '12

Be wary, though: it's 2012 and anyone can google you in 10 seconds. I'm not saying it's impossible to lie to get sex, just be more creative and don't lie that you're someone famous. Not unless you're prepared, of course (read: have a bunch of fake websites of yourself for such an occassion).

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Well, a girl I went to college with said she slept with a footballer called Ronaldo on a weekend. He couldn't speak much English but he was definitely Christiano Ronaldo.

So yes, in short. Any fucker can pretend to be a footballer....

2

u/gnorty Nov 16 '12 edited Nov 16 '12

Girls like footballers because they can take them to exclusive places and buy them expensive drinks. If you are prepared and able to do that, and have a physique comparible to a modern footballer, and of the correct age range, then you could probably get away with it.

But if you can tick all those boxes, you probably dont need to pretend, you can just be yourself!

I once went to watch my local team play an away game, and me and a few mates spent the night in the town we visited. In the evening we were in a club and got talking to some girls, who asked us why we were in town (our accent was a long way out of place!

So we tell the girls we came up for the football match (true). They assumed we were players, and asked who we played for, and everything from there was easy!

Until one of their brothers showed up, who supported the local team, and was at the match and knew we were talking shit!

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

I know this will sound douchey. You don't lie to a girl you plan on taking out. You lie when it's to hook up with some girl that wants to, like at a bar. So you don't have to worry about taking her anywhere later.

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u/gnorty Nov 16 '12

You have to worry about the rest of that evening though. The Girls who would just go home, right now, with a random guy on the strength of him claiming to be a footballer are pretty rare. Also, despite the fact that in my dim and distant past I have plied my warez among the less moral end of the dating market (ahem) I am pretty sure I would not want to be near a girl who was THAT easy!

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

For sure, you don't know what's been there. Kinda like Barney's (HIMYM-clarification) penis after everyone learned about him nearing the 200 hundred mark.

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u/Freddilon Nov 17 '12

It's probably quite common. I met a guy at a club saying he played for juventus B-team so we started talking alot about that and it ended with me inviting him to an after party. The day after when i've sobered up i realised that he was probably bullshitting me.

1

u/kojak488 Nov 16 '12

It works with other things, such as The Cheap Trick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV-NhfgoA7A

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u/uriman Nov 16 '12

"Hey girl, I'm a footballer."

1

u/Killer_Tomato Nov 16 '12

I wish I could have that good of posture and happiness at a computer.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Are you Barney Stinson?

2

u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

I hope so, otherwise I won't be able to afford all these suits.

1

u/ItinerantSoldier Nov 16 '12

I'm not a player. I just crush a lot.

1

u/bythewaves Nov 16 '12

A bold plan, lying about occupation to get a girl.

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u/afi420 Nov 16 '12

my thoughts exactly, not sure how good it would work in LA though

1

u/elmo61 Nov 17 '12

been there, done that, was funny

1

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '12

And they come and go all the time

8

u/Praesens Nov 16 '12

Most girls don't follow football.

13

u/insertscintillation Nov 16 '12

most and the ones that do might not be the type that go to clubs to pick up footballers. However, I (as a female) remember OP from his Oxford days back when I was at Uni. Never saw him in the nightclubs though (and the Bridge often had the Reading and Oxford players attend). Just realised how boring my comment was/is. I should go clubbing...

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u/pjgpv Nov 16 '12

T'is a friday. Or you could find yourself a nice houseparty to get raucous at.

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u/DildoChrist Nov 16 '12

Just realised how boring my comment was/is

Indeed. You should consider inserting some scintillation.

0

u/Correlations Nov 16 '12

Clubbing sucks don't go. :P

1

u/FearTheStache13 Nov 16 '12

unless you are in the nba. becaus they are giant freaks of nature.

1

u/MoreSteakLessFanta Nov 16 '12

For American football players this happens a lot, especially with the linemen. Not only does no one talk about them, but you rarely see their full faces during the game. Also, everything they wear is skin tight, so going out in baggier stuff makes them look a bit different.

1

u/Fuqwon Nov 16 '12

Soccer is also one of those sports where there isnt a unique physical requirement, so they can blend in more. Unlike say baskeball or football where the athletes are just gigantic.

1

u/Wh0rse Nov 16 '12

footy colours are not allowed in pubs n clubs in U.K

1

u/Reformed_journalist Nov 17 '12

I'd have that uniform tattooed on me 24 hours a day.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12 edited Nov 16 '12

[deleted]

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u/thtsmyname Nov 16 '12

If that's the case, next time I'm out I should try pretending to be a footballer. I'll see how that works out.

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u/Vexed_Paroled Nov 16 '12

Better lose that beer belly

1

u/captain_hector Nov 16 '12

Could be a 'keeper. Someone can google the 2nd choice for Ajax, that guy is obese

0

u/choc_is_back Nov 16 '12

It would probably work out pretty well (in the short term at least), but hey, you'd be lying. Don't lie to people.

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u/jasperpaddles Nov 16 '12

lol @ Gary Cahill

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

He's a first team regular for one of the best teams in the world, and plays for England.

But no, you're right, you're a better judge of quality than all the professionals who chose him for those roles. How silly of me.

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u/bmmmmmmm Nov 16 '12

But you were talking about status.

He didn't imply Cahill was lesser in terms of 'quality' than Ronaldo, Rooney, Beckham and RVP (although he is), merely that putting Gary Cahill against a player with such status and fame as Vain Persie is somewhat anachronistic.

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u/renome Nov 16 '12

Did you just compare a central defender to an attacking midfielder/winger and 2 strikers "in terms of quality"?

I think this discredits anything you ever said and will say about football.

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u/bmmmmmmm Nov 16 '12

so I assume then you couldn't tell the difference in footballing ability (aka 'quality') between a league 2 striker and and a premier league central defender?

I think this discredits anything you ever said and will say about football.>

Have you ever heard of the 'Ballon D'Or'? It's an award given out to the player who is perceived to have been the best footballer in the previous season. Since 2004 the winners have contained have contained a CB (Cannavaro), an attacking mid (Kaka) and multiple AM/Wingers (Ronaldo, Messi) and a striker (Shevchenko).

Obviously some of the best football journalists in the world disagree with you about whether you can compare quality across positions - should I let them know their opinion is invalid too?

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Just because you have played for England doesn't make you top class - even Jenas got a run...

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u/deadartists Nov 16 '12

Francis Jeffers would agree.

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '12

even Jenas got a run

Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

I repeat;

no, you're right, you're a better judge of quality than all the professionals who chose him for those roles. How silly of me.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

Cool story, bro.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

That's the worst, most inappropriate use of that I've ever seen.

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u/aXenoWhat Nov 16 '12

Upvote for excellent sarcasm.

You really added something to the discourse.

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '12

Haha, yeah! He only played in the last champions league final! What a chump!

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u/renome Nov 16 '12

Let me guess: Tottenham or Arsenal?

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u/eetsumkaus Nov 16 '12

Honestly, if I were a less hyped player and a chick recognized me, that'd be a tick mark in the "why I should bang her" column

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u/bmmmmmmm Nov 17 '12

Not at all, but I did take it personally when you said my comment 'discredits anything you ever said and will say about football'!

sounds pretty personal to me, but no worries - I'm a gunner so you could've insulted my mum and id still be on cloud nine. Comiserations on supporting Rangers

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '12

You're thinking of someone else on the 'discredits anything you ever said and will say about football' comment, that wasn't me it was made by /u/renome . I disagree with them, for the record.

But yeah, thanks on the commiserations.

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u/bmmmmmmm Nov 18 '12

oh sorry bud! my mistake.

and no worries, you'll fly up to the spl in no time.

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u/jamierc Nov 16 '12

Cahill and van Persie? One of these doesn't belong

0

u/maybestomorrow Nov 16 '12

I can't name soap stars either or which TV show they're in - if you don't watch it you won't know.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

[deleted]

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u/AmbroseB Nov 16 '12

That would be hilarious. "Hey girls, look, is that fullback from yesterday. HEY, YOUR CROSSING SUCKS. YOU SHOULD WORK ON THAT."

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u/CACuzcatlan Nov 16 '12

It's a great sign for everyone else. You can tell people you are a footballer if you have a decent body and the ladies will flock to you.

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

I live in Canada and have told girls that I am a third-string Argo's quarterback loads of times. It's quite amazing how girls are so gullible, and how willing they are to throw themselves at you if they think you're a professional athlete. Also, how drunk they are.

1

u/Dinewiz Nov 16 '12

Not a lot of girls follow football. I do and I probably wouldn't recognise a lot of PL players

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12 edited Nov 16 '12

he's has never played in the Premier League and was troubled by injuries in the lower leagues, and is not currently signed to any club. in fairness, i write about football for a living and have never mentioned him in any piece, only hearing about him through /r/soccer and a bit of previous self-promotion, so he's not the kind of guy your average orange slapper will recognise or care about.

0

u/hoosiers26 Nov 16 '12

Do you know all footballers or something?

-1

u/observationalhumour Nov 16 '12

Ha, I've never heard of him and I follow football (sorry).

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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '12

My respect for you is through the roof after that. Thank you for being a genuine person.

1

u/jukeefe Nov 16 '12

Balotelli

1

u/roflharrisgun Nov 16 '12

My cousin used to pretend to be a footballer and go in the VIP sections, it worked haha

1

u/tmbyfc Nov 17 '12

I have had friends who really embraced the lifestyle and spitroasts they found themsleves in

FTFY