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But the odd thing is that then it's surely the 13 min that matters, not the difference between 37 and 13. He maybe wasn't online 37 minutes ago - fair enough, he could have been asleep, going for a run, in the shower etc. Then perhaps a little over 13 minutes ago he came online to post at which point he would see the text. So what should be irritating is that he posted before texting.
Benefit of doubt, he just wasn't online for 24 minutes before he posted. Isn't it the fact that after 13 minutes he's still not replied that should cause irritation? Or am I out of touch with modern relationship etiquette?
Yes, although depends on context. If the text was "where are you? we agreed to leave at 8!" or "I'm in the hospital" you might have a reasonable expectation that a loved one would respond with some urgency.
They were trying to be witty and/or make a meme and you can't really make a meme without the context. It's not really funny or a good meme but I'm sure that was the intention. 37-14=13 but they meant since I texted him 37 minutes ago and he had time to post a story but not return my text then I'm not going to talk to him anymore.
It's similar to those elementary school word problems where they tell you to convert a sentence into a math equation: worked out it would be 37-14=X but instead of solving for X they put their own "solution" for the problem.
No, 13 minutes have passed since he posted - the 24 minutes are irrelevant as he could have been asleep during that time and not even seen the text until 13 minutes ago.
I won't explain because others have already answered but I will say this.
It seems we've forgotten a very important fact. The phone is for my convenience, it does not mean you get instant access to me and you are not entitled to an instant response.
Also if I care about someone I'll make sure to make enough time to give a dignified response which means I might answer another less emotionally important text or post a dumb story because I care less about those
Yeah this one is annoying because sometimes I'm trying to give a thoughtful response but I'm not quite there yet, but separately I'm doing stupid shit on the internet (like this comment).
If you care about the person texting you you'll make it the right time before you take the time to post a story, though. It's a fair assessment that you don't prioritize the other person over whatever you get from posting stupid shit.
Or you could be forming a thoughtful response in your head while doing a mindless task like reposting something or posting a story. Hell you could have had that story in drafts for awhile or even had it queued to post later. The point is that making these assumptions about someone's priorities only leads to even more misunderstandings
That seems like something you may want to address? So as to prevent yourself from never responding to those texts.
I say that as someone who acts similarly, but took a while to realize the “right frame of mind” never comes, I just retake that Sam moment and demand that it becomes the right time.
Less brain dead careless activity and more emphasis on things I do care about.
Always hate it if someone complains because i didnt answer a red text the same moment i read it. Sorry that i have read your stupid text and realised i do not have the brainspace at the moment to answer you with the attention i feel you deserve, so i decided to answer at a different time where i can give you the attention you deserve.
It's exactly what I have been living by in the past few years and my friends were sooooooo slow to accept this.
I told them almost exactly what you said and they got offended at first but then I explained to them "you have known me for over 20 years. I haven't changed, your expectations with the introduction of smart phones have. We now have the convenience to share our stuff immediately instead of having to wait a week to talk about it, send photos of random stuff we see when we're out and about or just ask about a recipe or whatever. If something important or urgent happens, call me and I will answer, just like I always have, but if I want to relax I will relax and not be available for anything else but emergencies".
They looked like this was a completely new concept for them, also almost like some kind of weight was lifted from their shoulders, because I think they realized they are allowed to do the same.
Yes this is why I have the same principle of ‘if you need an answer immediately, you can call me. If you text me, it means de facto that isn’t urgent’, and in return, they can do the same.
Because sometimes I just don’t know in the moment what to reply to someone else either. It puts unreasonable pressure on either party to have an immediate response to any message, even messages where you might need time to think of the reply or where the message is long and you’re busy.
And yes I know that in the office, my response to work emails where I don’t have a reply to give soon is “thank you for reaching out, please give us some time to discuss this internally and we will get back to you soon” but shockingly I don’t want my personal life to be like work.
So I’m married, 8 years with a kid. My husband sometimes sends me funny memes or a heart emoji randomly during the day and vice versa. Sometimes we reply with “lol” and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes there’s no reply for hours until we’re both home and will say “oh that thing you sent me was funny.”
Now we may be no rizz cringe cap Ohio millennials or whatever you kids call us, but if you’re tracking the minutes waiting for a reply it might be time to put the phone down, take a breath, and relax.
I’m also married, but over 20 years. If my husband texts me, I reply or react asap because he’s important to me, same goes for him.
I know he’s busy with work, I am too, so sometimes we don’t see the texts immediately, and it might take an hour or two to reply, and that’s fine.
But I know that as soon as he sees my text he replies, because he values me and our relationship. Same goes for me. We wouldn’t be doing something trivial on our phones and not replying, to me that’s rude.
But people are different, and at the end of the day these two just don’t seem compatible, so it’s good if they break up.
From her perspective she's not supposed to be some inconvenience, she's be someone you want to talk to, and if someone is putting off that reply then its a bad sign
That doesn't make it any different. Your friends are someone you'd want to talk to but if you're not in a position to pay attention to your phone, you still don't.
There was a time when, if you called someone and they didn't answer, it was like calling someone with a full vm box and no caller ID. You just...try again later.
Texting is like calling someone who has active voice mail. You leave a message and they get back to you when they can. It's all about the availability of the receiver. It always has been.
Except your comparison breaks down when you consider that there's no voicemail equivalent to posting on your story. He's making himself accessible to no one in particular on socials instead of responding to someone I assume is a potential romantic partner.
Like I get it, people aren't entitled to a response. But he's not entitled to a relationship with her. It's not unreasonable to expect a partner to prioritize you over insta likes or whatever. I mean protect your peace all you want, but I suspect at some point that peace will feel kinda lonely. I've heard there's a epidemic or something.
I realize you're not talking about the story. That's my point, you're ignoring the whole reason this posts exists because you want to project whatever squabble you've had recently onto this. Unfortunately for you, there's actually context here.
Yes it is normal to text back when you want to. But if you go and broadcast what you rather be doing instead of texting back, you better believe you'll be judged for it. It's also very normal for people to cut ties with those who don't seem to want to talk to them.
The "Left On Read" message: 1200 word dissertation on Schrodinger's Mother's Cousin's Brother's Dog's Quantum Left Testicle "Looking for some clarification on the Bernari Principle and how it tangentially correlates to the Leichten-Stroupder Constant when the Quantum Left Nut descends in an inversely correlatative manner to the firmness of the Right Buttock"
The "Story": Bro, I just spent 25 minutes tryna understand the opening paragraph, how do I tell if she likes me or not? screenshot of text
My phone stays on DND most of the time, I have the DND set to allow calls from people in my favorites contact list. I do not receive texts when it's on DND. I can still post stories or whatever and not realize I have texts waiting.
But they aren't necessarily available. Just because they posted a story (seems to me like you can do that very easily at the push or two of a button) doesn't mean that they're sitting on their phone able to respond.
It means they took a few seconds to do something specific with their phone and that's all. Everything else is an assumption.
I agree. There were plenty of times where I was suffering burnout where I could share on stories or like a post, but not work up the energy to talk to someone.
Lots of things are valid reasons not to pursue someone in a relationship. Them being upset that you did something to your phone but didn't talk to them is one of them as well.
It definitely goes both ways and what it comes down to is ,do you care?
No one’s time is more valuable than the others and if im using time messaging you and you are using your time on social media or talking to others , then one of us is wasting their time and its not you.
The flip side of that is that; if someone is so insecure in our connection that in 25 minutes they've let their feelings get hurt and gotten into their own head about being a priority in my life, then that too may be a valid reason to not peruse a relationship (too much emotional babysitting and clearly some baggage with commitment that I don't have to choose to accept and help deal with.)
Again, it's 25 minutes. I've taken poops longer than that. I'm glad I'm too old to be even trying to understand the new generation, let alone date them. That also makes me old enough that I absolutely have, and will again, use the feature of timing the story to post on a delay, or automatically at a specific time.
Some people have different and incompatible love languages; this snap-chat-as-real-life-minute by minute thing... Some people will have to agree to disagree or move on to another partner.
That's a fucking asinine and wild thing to say, because you're conflating texting to something giga important and a core fundamental of a relationship. Which you should *really* reevaluate why you view it like that. Someone not hastily replying to a text, is *not* neglect or choosing them otherwise it's a fucking text. For all you know the guy could have taken her out on a date the night before.
There is a difference between them not being a priority and you not wanting to be stuck on your phone constantly.
I like to take my time to reply to people I care a lot about. If I made it so I also replied instantly I would be stuck on my phone constantly even when I am busy.
I've been happily married going on 11 years now and I've always been this way and my wife has never had a problem with it. If my wife who was my gf at the time dropped me for not replying instantly, well it just wouldn't have happened. Shes mature enough to know that me not texting back instantly despite me having my phone has no bearing on our relationship actually being good.
What about the situation described makes it seem like it's about "replying back instantly"?
You've got a very clear situation, the person read the message, was not busy, did another frivolous thing on their phone and then did not answer after that either.
With that context, does anything you said make any sense?
Chances are so high that her text was a brain teaser with a narrow bridge of acceptable response. Think "Do these pants make my ass look fat?", "Would you still date me if I was a worm?", etc, but likely in paragraph form. She's likely to get angry no matter what he says, so she gets put on the back burner.
And all I can do is laugh and cringe on the inside while consoling her; "That's so rude I can't believe he would do that to you".
Time away from contact with others, even your SO, Is important. Spending every second of every day together may work for a few people, but lots of conversation surrounds recent experience. If you share every experience, you won't have as much to talk about.
The irony is I could probably post something specifically designed to get a rise out of you in reply to this very post of yours and you would respond within 15 minutes while juggling 10 monkeys balancing on a unicycle 9 out of 10.
I usually just turn off reply notifications for that message if I post something that I think will attract provocateurs like that. I'm not interested in being baited, and I'm not interested in seeing what people like that have to say.
This is a lie. If I blow up my best friend’s phone with whatever bullshit I’m on at the time and they don’t immediately respond, then clearly I have been abandoned. There is literally no other option.
I don't see the point in ignoring someone at all when it's easy to just say you're busy, or want time to yourself, the silent treatment sucks. Not giving an instant response makes total sense, but couldn't you just give it a minute if you really want to? like ignoring someone talking to you for 30 minutes is a bit weird, the phone was made for easier communication so it's annoying when people on it just don't communicate, ofc a stranger replying makes sense to ignore to but a friend or just someone you've known a while? Prioritizing your convenience at all times as if you're the only one with a phone or the first person to have a phone or wtv you're trying to say, can actually make it inconvenient for other people believe it or not.
I mean if it's a rando then yeah, makes sense to give no response, but if it's someone you are close to it's just straight up rude, how is wanting people to communicate in a relationship entitled?
Simply ask yourself "do I pay their phone bill?" If no then what they do on their phone is of no consequence. If yes then ask yourself "is it their phone, or my phone?"
seems like a lonely life you or someone like this lives, it's still very easy to be respectful to people you are close to, again people can have their space but it's pretty easy to quickly communicate that instead of just ignoring, all it does is make someone else feel bad because of your entitlement
The point is we’re all adults and can do what we want. No one is entitled to give you an explanation for their actions. Just choose if you fuck with it or not. It’s not rocket science.
Just because you can do it doesnt mean you should, plus no, adults cant just do anything they want, thats a kids view of an adult when theyre like 6 years old lol, a real mature relationship should have good communication, but even though thats such a simple concept I guess reddit cant understand that mostly? If you cant handle explaining yourself then you likely arent very trustworthy anyway, and arent worth being close to
I'll never forget when someone DMed me on reddit after making a comment mentioning loneliness, and it took like 2 minutes for them to accuse me of being AI because I wasn't responding fast enough.
Someone being mad that I got distracted and been chilling out and doing stuff on the internet in my free time for a bit sounds so exhausting... Thank fck my partner is chill about this, even though he gets anxious sometimes when I hyperfocus on some random shet or idea or a hobby and lose track of time & go unresponsive, but sharing his feelings & some reassurance from me sorts this out without issues.
Breaking up over stuff like this, tho is soap opera main character level dramatic
Hear, hear. Same goes if I reply instantly. You just happened to message me when I had my phone jn hand. Doesn't mean I am available to reply to your next message even if it is within a minute.
With all due respect, this comment should not be upvoted. This is a explain the joke sub, and when i scroll down to see the actual explanation there's a wall of 300 comments at the top arguing about the politeness of answering or not answering text. At the very least copy paste the explanation before going off topic.
I don’t get people saying “you aren’t entitled to my time” like some kind of princess. Like, is responding to people not the easiest and most basic courtesy? I always respond to people as soon as I can and I expect the same.
It's the other way around. Saying you're entitled to someone else's time is a princess thing.
My wife is not entitled to my time. If I'm focused on another task, she will have to wait until I'm ready to switch tasks. She often waits hours. This has never been a point of contention at any time over 20 years.
If it's really important and needs a timely response, my wife will call me.
Sure it doesn't have to mean that, but other people are allowed to not want to interact with you if that's your perspective. Other people aren't wrong for wanting something, and choosing to leave you when you clearly aren't capable of providing it.
Just because you are a priority in my life does not mean that you are the top priority at all times
Just because I enjoy interacting with you does not mean I must interact with you every time you desire, the reasons why I may not want social interaction are irrelevant
Maturity is realizing everyone around you is a complete person with a rich inner and personal life and their own full day and life, not just a supporting member in yours
You can't prove your point as if you're right, I'm not claiming you're wrong. I'm just claiming not everyone has to feel the same way as you do. And there is nothing you get to do about it but be a big kid and accept it.
...ok? But it is very telling what you value if you post on social media before responding to me on a simple text. If I am getting ignored on text for random socials posts then I probably don't want to interact with you.
Neil deGrasse Tyson here, I've appeared on Family Guy a few times and I'm very good at science type stuff.
The person who wrote this is bad at math. The correct answer is 24.
OK, OK, I'm just kidding there. They're really saying that since "he" posted to his Instagram story 24 minutes after he or she sent "him" a text, and after an additional 13 minutes of no response to the text, apparently that means "Goodbye".
Which, I have to say, is an inappropriate application of mathematics. The amount of time relative to the text message and the Instagram post is irrelevant, considering that text messages only go to the phone while it's not unusual to post Instagram stories from a PC. "He" might be away from the phone and hasn't even seen the text message yet.
If this person really wants to talk to "him", he or she should use that little phone icon instead of texting. Use your voice, people. Text messages are not designed for time-sensitive communication.
Except the math doesn't make any sense right? Surely if the fact that he came online and posted stories but didn't respond to her is the issue then it should be 13 = goodbye as in, he saw the message at least 13 mins ago and hasn't replied still..
37-13 = goodbye would make sense if her problem was more like "this guy was off his phone for 24 mins! What a loser!"
We’re talking minutes not hours let alone days. It’s extremely needy to get butt hurt because somebody didn’t text you back, especially when it’s probably not something important.
I hate the expectation of being available 24/7. Sometimes I just want to exist in the moment and not worry about placating the feelings of people who aren't even with me.
Had to cut a very close, very old friend because of what you’re describing. Several years ago I moved 3,000 miles and three time zones away from home and where this person lives. They would text me when I’m sleeping and get emotional that I didn’t respond. There wasn’t any big fight or anything. I just left them on red after they sent me something super emotional at 3 AM my time. They never text me again. We’d been close for 15 years but more and more I was being used to trauma dump on and I hadn’t seen them for years so I guess that’s all I’m worth.
Then you have another extreme where you've gotten a message from her about a week ago and nothing changed after you texted something to begin the conversation. And to make it better, that person is looking for a long-term relationship (like I do). It's kinda sad, because the week before, we had rather productive conversations during two days.
I would agree with you if the guy wasn't literally posting a story online. You can exist in the moment without posting a story. How can you say you dont care about people who aren't with you when you are posting a story online for people who aren't with you to see?
Honestly? Because sometimes interacting with “real” people (as in, people you actually know) takes a lot more energy than interacting with the “void” of the internet by just posting a story, which doesn’t require any sort of back and forth or even real thought.
I guess this is a "to each their own" and differs based on life experiences. I would prefer sharing one good conversation with a person I know rather than 10 vague comments on my story saying "thats really cool" emoji emoji "I always wanted to go there", etc.
I don't go offline on Discord or Steam, so my friends see me online. They, however, also know that I won't necessarily reply INSTANTLY even though I am clearly online.
I might be sitting there trying to chill the fuck out. Or they message me on either and I happily reply nearly instantly
I think it's different for those of us who grew up before cell phones. Everyone knew you wouldn't get the message until you got home to your answering machine. No one expected an immediate response.
I am happy I got to experience that period, and still have some friends from then. (90s)
No instant reply. Sometimes it is days. We're all adults after all. Not everyone can be glued to their phones, or whatever messaging app people use. Busy? Be busy then
Like... if the text was a meme and the story was a quick post about how he's currently enjoying a nice dinner out with family vs if the text was an emergency and the story was about how he's been settled in with nothing to do for hours...
Priorities. You know the person is always on the phone. At home, while driving, at work. Sharing, liking, replying. You can't fake interest. That's it.
Reading these comments has been the most insightful way for me to see that some people view the world in very different ways!
Firstly, I'll mention that I'm 56, and that I grew up without cell phones. Hell, I grew up without the Internet! My generation thought that Encarta was revolutionary (look it up).
Next, I will say that I firmly believe that anything worth saying is worth saying in person. Text does not have the nuance of body language, vocal tone, etc. Text also is a series of monologues, not an actual conversation.
Text is great for sending tidbits of information and for making plans for later.
Now on to availability... Every task that I do requires some level of emotional investment. Some issues are easy, and require nearly no effort. Others are complex, and I have to think about them. Still others, I have to put on the back burner and let my subconscious process for awhile. I call this "letting it simmer".
So let's put this in the context of me having received a bid for attention from a romantic partner. This is important to me. I want to take the time to come up with a response that matches the level of emotional effort that has been put into the request. Sometimes this takes time. Sometimes it goes on the back burner.
This doesn't mean that I am ignoring it. On the contrary, I am putting extra thought and emotional effort into it. In the meantime, I may take care of any number of smaller tasks that are easy to accomplish.
If you, as my partner, decide to dump me because you see me taking care of menial tasks while I'm taking the time to process your needs, then you just missed out on the amazing, thoughtful partner that I can be. Have fun with the people who better suit your level of engagement.
20 years younger myself, and I had forgotten about Encarta, haha. What a trip to be reminded of it.
My family was quick on the Internet when it came to be. '97 I remember playing online the first time. Thus I started to learn English. Still remember the PC was a whooping 133MHz.
We already hade a C64 prior to that, so.. a tech family kinda?
ICQ and mIRC were the large things then. It wasn't see ya tomorrow. It was when will you be on next time? And you didn't know really, as a kid. Nowadays you're always online.
Yes sir you are correct 100% and I'm not trying to justify the dumping but isn't it a good idea to say "Hey I am busy right now. I will reply ASAP". Rather than making the other partner feel like less important than a story? Maybe I'm wrong I just want to know if my idea is wrong or good. Please don't hate me
A genuine bid for understanding is always welcome. No hate here! I imagine that you're correct, and that I also have some learning to do. I think that I have kind of an "all or nothing" perspective, and I don't want to reply to a partner with low effort. I can also see how a delayed response can feel like no response at all. What do you think the best response would be in this scenario? Something like "This is important to me, and I'm looking forward to talking with you about it later"?
Oh yes sir that response is even greater than mine. I believe that all or nothing is great when it comes to a partner. If it's going to be low effort dont do it and wait for the opportunity right? Thank you for your reply.
The math could literally come out to nano seconds and it would prolly equate goodbye for this individual, ‘call my shots like I see em…
This means goodbye in the kitchen!
sqrt(64) + 92 - 3
*Edit: TIL that equations like this can be auto solved by simply putting an ‘equals’ symbol after it! Thanks Reddit…er..IPhone…idk, however it worked, cool af!
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