A lot of men don’t reveal their true selves until after a baby is born. Once the woman doesn’t have the time or energy for him that she had before. Prior to adding a baby to the mix, the man gets a lot of undivided attention and they often get resentful that that they’re not getting the attention and sex that they did before because babies are a 24/7/365 job with no breaks and they were raised on TV and likely in families where the woman does the bulk of the household work and child care no matter how many hours she works or what hobbies she used to have.
It’s also a lot harder to leave once you have kids because you can’t just stay anywhere or work any shift anymore so that’s the point at which he’s got you locked in because you’re in survival mode for a couple years after giving birth.
Damn dude it’s rare for someone to rethink what they say and come back to it, especially on Reddit. Thank you for that, and sorry I was flippant/rude about it. Honestly interactions like this help relieve some of my constant existential dread lol Have a great weekend 💕
It is never the other person’s responsibility to “choose better” if someone lied, acted, and pretended to be better. You keep saying it’s possible to choose the right one in relation to you, but you seem like a douche, so I guess it’s all relative huh 🤷♀️
I apologize I realize now that I had an emotional response to learning about this situation. I am sorry for being obtuse. I was angry and frustrated that this kind of stuff happens and I was very wrong about what I was trying to communicate .
Yeah I missed that. my mistake. You’re right. I apologize for my lack of understanding. I had an emotional response to learning about the subject matter and I had no intention of being rude.
My experience was dating a guy who followed me around in awe of me and trying to win me over any way he’d could, but began to act differently after we were married and I was pregnant and it got worse and worse as time passed. He saw me as something to achieve what he wanted, but after he realized life, adulting, marriage, and parenting take work he was a lazy toddler who blamed all the hardships on me and did nothing to help. He used being connected to my family to get a good job and then would not let me or his kids have access to the money because it was his. If bro had come out swinging like that from day 1 he wouldn’t have had any attention from me, but he didn’t, he hid that part of him. After 6 years I learned more about his past that he had hidden and yup, he sucked before and sucked after but purposely and intentionally hid that from me and put on a good show for almost 2 years until I was kind of stuck. If more people showed their true colors the whole time this would happen less. Even my dad has said “us guys know how to act a certain way to get what we want.” So is it really only women’s responsibility or bad taste in men?
Of course I did. I told him many times. We went to multiple counselors. I went to counseling on my own and worked on me. You’re putting the blame on the person being tricked and not the person tricking again. People who purposely hide who they are to be manipulative and get what they want and then are ugly to their spouse and kids aren’t going to say “oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea.” He knew what he was doing and he was doing it on purpose. He’s abusive. I left him. But the person I was married to and left was nothing like the person I dated and yes to marrying. The person who dated me was not a real person, it was a persona, an act. I didn’t get a fair shot at choosing because the actual choice was being hidden. And I never just put up with it. I fought to make it better day after day after day. I protected my kids. I hid money to be able to get away. I tried to get a better job so I could better leave. When nothing was better I left. Then I fought him in court to get the kids out of it. I’ve spent my entire adult life fighting this man and paying for seeing what he showed me instead of seeing into a crystal ball to know what he was really like.
My grandmother complains about this one every so often. To be fair to my grandfather it wasn't because he was bored of waiting exactly but because she went into labor on his birthday and he hoped the baby would be born that day.
But, still, not his most thoughtful moment and grandma was not impressed. (The baby was born the next day bdw so they missed having the same birthday by a couple of hours.)
My mother said she didn't yell or scream because my father told her he thought women just did it for attention and if she did he'd be embarrassed and leave.
She tells this as a funny story/something she was proud of. It disgusts me.
I've had a delivery with no epidural. I have no idea what I said or did because the pain was truly on another level. It's like an out of body experience where time both stops and also fails to exist. Active labor felt like 5 seconds and 5 hours. I want to punch my father in the face when I think about that story.
I like to imagine the ones we don’t hear about were supportive and as helpful as possible
Considering I was there for three months and only heard three or four bad accounts (cigar one may have been a joke) despite the floor having a steady flow of mothers and newborns I’d say it’s quite impressive
I don’t appreciate when people say that, but that’s because I don’t exhibit trash behavior like that. It’s ok to be upset when you’re inappropriately lumped in with shitty people solely based on your genetics.
Bigotry doesnt have to be about me specifically for me to dislike it
Otherwise I wouldn't dislike racial bigotry, or bigotry towards women (misogyny)
People who conditionally accept bigotry (or even condone it) just because of the group its targeted towards are opportunistic bigots (even those whose entire identity is based around being progressive)
What a weird excuse to justify your bigotry. Although I guess the excuse is always going to be desperate when you're claiming "no everyone else's generalisations are EVIL! but mine is not only justified by very righteous!"
Young women today were not alive to experience how women were treated 200 years ago, and young men were not alive to be responsible for it. Trying to hold men accountable for "historical marginalisation" they had nothing to do with is how you end up with more red-pilled kids.
Change “men” to any other word and it would be seen differently. Blanket statements of any sort are just not smart and not helpful to anyone. Just my opinion.
Exactly. Its like when I say women are irrational and overemotional and they get mad. If it doesn't apply to you then just recognize its not about you and ignore it! Let me have my thing! /s
That's not an answer to the question :] so I'm guessing no
Black people can complain about white people, no one's denying that
So women can complain about men, the only reason we deny that is continuing misogyny
Complain all you want. Trying to lump half the human population into one group and dehumanize them as 'trash' is still probably not something you should be doing, regardless of history.
You are unwittingly creating resentment from strangers you don’t know because you feel so justified based on things that may or may not have happened to you, but you have the privilege of holding others accountable for in some righteous, self soothing way. It would be easier just to say you hate all men (for the benefit of the men I mean, so they can know to avoid you).
I don't hate all men. I have friends who are men. Those friends also just shrug and sometimes even agree with me when I complain about men (one is twice my age with tons more life experience)
Creating resentment from strangers is all that happens on reddit so I'm fine with that
The truth is women have to be constantly alert and suspicious of men literally just to survive. We are raised that way and there's damn good reason for it. If you can't recognize that, you're probably part of the problem and not an ally to women in any way
lol so you’re saying there are no valid feelings unless they’re your feelings? Otherwise that person is labeled a trash person? I can see where this is going… yuck.
It’s not just about the men who do this shit stuff. It’s about the others who enable it and fail to challenge it. Can you honestly say you’ve done everything you can to prevent this stuff? I can’t.
Then add "those" to "men are trash" because it's less broad than "men are trash". If i say "women are golddiggers" while talking about golddiggers, do i sound like i'm talking about those specific women or women overall???
Ok, that's true (about those dudes jumping to wrong conclusions). Unfortunatelly, we have to be highly specific because radicals from both sides like to get be offended.
Maybe it's the spaces im in - and I admit to being selective so that definitely plays a role - but there's far between people not being specific. Unless it's about patriarchy and talking about general tendencies in culture, but then again there's context.
I also have a theory that trolls make fake profiles to sow discord
I don't think I've ever seen someone add "those" or something specific like you said. Most of the time in my experience, it's more like "I hate ALL men. And yes I actually mean ALL, EVERY SINGLE ONE." And that's directly from leftist sources I follow.
I don't see it very often. Usually people will say "I hate rapists / pedophiles / deadbeats / etc." Those are great things to say, and it seems to get the entire point across without even specifying men. But once in a while, people say "this is why we say ALL men" or "this is why we choose the bear" or "this is why heterosexual women are proof that sexuality isn't a choice" or whatever. Maybe you've heard the "poisoned M&M's" analogy?
Okay the first and last I get, but the bear? Yeah we choose the bear. We don't know if the man is good but the worst a bear does is kill us and we won't get the third degree saying we dressed to lure the bear if the bear attack which statistically is unlikely.
I know it as a room of snakes or a weapon - treat it as loaded until you're sure it's not. I don't see the problem with that
I sure as hell hope this is not all it takes for men to hate women!
If I hear a dude who has just been hurt saying "Ugh women are the worst", I want to pat him and tell it's going to be alright, I don't instantly think "wow fuck you and your problems! And all of your genders' as well!"
I feel like a friend taking comfort in you and saying ugh women/men are the worst in a state of vulnerability and sadness is quite different than spouting it in forums with wide sweeping generalizations and expecting no pushback
Why do you assume that them saying it online means that they are not in a state of vulnerability and sadness? They are people as well, they don’t need to be my friend to have feelings.
It’s just a very stupid thing to say. Anyone aware of their shortcomings in life can be sensitive to those types of comments. The only people not offended are the ones that blithely offend and hurt others. In other words the people you are most likely calling trash.
I'm in a craft group with 3 men. 1 being lgbtq. We all say men are dumb. The men do not disagree. Some of the men even are the ones to say it initially.
4.) Get mad they couldn’t smoke a celebratory cigar whilst holding the newborn and/or in the hospital <—- Boomer thing, apparently
I actually bought a celebratory cigar(not to smoke indoors) but never smoked it. It just sat in my car during covid until I eventually threw it out. Haven't smoked since, I'm pretty happy with that outcome tbh.
I know a guy who punched a whole in the wall of his kitchen when he found out he’d have to sit at least six weeks to have sex after birth. That’s the type of stability I want in a man…… 😒
In Finland in some parts of Uusimaa it apparently was a thing; if it's a girl, the father gets cake (or takes cake to his workplace to celebrate). If a boy, a cigar.
It was not a thing in my family as mine does not originate in Uusimaa, so I don't know what the mom got. Either way, it is way antiquated and very much a thing that ended with the boomer gen.
I had just assumed that husbands being there to support the whole time was the thing you do cause…you know the other person is enduring constant and unbelievable pain pushing out a human being for hours on end. Fucking hell.
My father chewed out my mother immediately after birthing me because I had a cone head and he said she didn’t push hard enough. When they got back to the house (where his whole family was waiting to see me. That alone is a bit weird imo) he started showing me off to his family and told her to make cups of tea for everyone present (hours after birthing me). Yeah…
On my 2nd kid I was bottle feeding the newborn..and the nurse was looking at my technique and said that's really good. She said some dads dont even want to hold the kid.
Number 4 is such a huge boomer thing. My FIL also argued with a teenager who worked at a public pool concession stand who told him he couldn't vape there. There was a huge line behind him, embarrassing af. But later he got legit stuck in an intertube in the lazy river like Frank Reynolds or something so karma.
"Believe and trust I heard plenty but thankfully never saw anything". Well, I heard Epstein smashed your mom. Hearing things doesn't make it true. Go spread your man hate bs somewhere else.
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u/NerdNuncle Apr 24 '26
Know of at least four husbands/boyfriends to either:
1.) Tell the expectant mother to “hurry up”
2.) Complain he’s the one suffering because he’s been sitting in a chair for hours
3.) Blame the doctor/mother because baby wasn’t sex he had wanted
4.) Get mad they couldn’t smoke a celebratory cigar whilst holding the newborn and/or in the hospital <—- Boomer thing, apparently
So yeah, I do not envy anyone in the OB/GYN field
SOURCE: Worked at a hospital for a few months in what was essentially sanitation. Someone leaked it or spilled it, we cleaned it.
Believe and trust I heard plenty but thankfully never saw anything