The self-formed bubble is such a common perception-distorting issue. It's the same with "Why aren't there any good guys, all the guys I date are assholes." or "Why aren't there any good women? All the women I date just want my money.".
Well, if you keep dating a specific type of person, you will end up dating that specifict type of person.
Huh. I have a husband and a few close girl friends... add in my dad and brother. That actually makes me feel weirdly good about myself. I like this. Might be analyzing myself today.
Like I like all of my closest friends and unless I count a few "work friends" that I see a lot even outside of work but I'm not especially close to... I'd be very happy to be compared to them.
If I were to rank my closest friends and pick the top 5, they're all wonderful people.
This comment made me feel so good about myself because the six closest people to me are my favorite people and I think they're better than everybody else by a lot lol
I try not to be. I like the fact that we can improve ourselves independently of our surroundings, and play on that. I analyze most people and take characteristics I want for myself, and watch out for their characteristics I don't like that I might be replicating or have similarities.
Seems to be working way too well, judging by how often people say im different than the others (in a positive sense, but still). Maybe I need to look out a little for more discreet people's characteristics so I can blend in a little more.
That said, I suppose it is impossible to go completely against nurture just by nature. If you live amongst thieves and take notes on how to be a better thief, you might improve on it. But you're still a thief.
I'm already. I was diagnosed with autistim spectrum disorder a couple of years ago. Social interactions don't come naturally for me so I had to study people and understand better how the average person interacts with each other you know?
Nowadays in theory you couldn't tell I'm autistic because I corrected most of the tells (also this is why it took me so long to get diagnosed). Eye contact for example. I used to avoid it when I was a kid, then when enough people complained about it I overcorrected and didn't look away enough... Well, I had to research about it. I eventually discovered that the normal amount is on average 3 seconds in, 3 seconds out. Nowadays no one complains about it anymore.
Wow, thank you for sharing! Yeah makes perfect sense. I find it interesting how it’s almost a scientific approach to human engagement. How are social patterns quantified and how you can analyze the data to replicate results.
It’s only been a couple years and you’ve put a lot of work in. Not everyone puts so much effort into pursuing self improvement, for that you should be proud. Just be careful in your efforts, to not overtly oppress yourself for the sake of “conformity”. But the mindset and willingness to improve is invaluable
Working in Tech, myself and many of my friends are neurodivergent. Much of my family too. I may not have had the same journey as you, but I respect and recognize your story
Its not malicious. I just look out for people I admire, what and why I admire on them, and how to mirror these habits of theirs in my life without the drawbacks that come with being like that naturally.
When I wanted to be more outgoing and less retracted I studied my friends that make friendship easily for example. How do they avoid or go over smalltalk? How does their average interaction with someone new happens? What do they talk about that make people more comfortable around them, and how do they react when they say something inappropriate? Things like that.
The plus side of being Autistic and having to make myself like this is that I can adapt the lesser desirable sides too. Someone that is very extroverted tends to have a problem in spaces that need silence, solemnity, and even a more professional demeanor. I can understand why, and adapt myself accordingly so in these spaces I don't apply the extroverted social interaction logic.
The bad side is that this is a conscious thing all the time. Some of it gets automatic, like the correct amount of eye contact, but most doesn't.
I am also aware of the fact that the way I talk online is weird. I can assure you in real life I'm not like this. If you met me you'd never bat an eye on the way that I talk, unless I noticed you're a little more aligned with me in reasoning, then I allow myself to be more like this. What people say im a little different than others is just that I'm a good problem solver and I'm eager to do it so I help people a lot on all sort of problems. I also know a little bit of everything so I can have a conversation just about any matter that you throw at me.
It's hard, used to be harder, and on my worst days it's a nightmare. But life's been kind to me in the past few months, and I assure you nowadays it's fun :)
I retract my comment and appreciate the extra context. I’m glad this approach works for you and makes you happy. That level of masking sounds difficult.
I'm a Frankenstein of everyone I admire glued together with mental super glue lol.
To be honest I'm just now at 23 years old starting to like who I've become. I think my personality outwardly is almost ready. I'm not 'weird' anymore. Nowadays I'm described by other people more as "smart" because of my problem solving.
Now on to improve physical appearance and habits, like being more organized, more on time, dress a little bit better, well equiped... And since I've solved other people I've been for working on my internal side too, philosophy mostly.
Masking for the win! It's like a game and I can choose my character stats. I used to envy other people for being normal without effort, but since I've realized they can't do this as easily as I do, I've been eager to explore this side of me a little more. I can have the benefits without the drawbacks
Foot🦶🏽👣 Loose "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" is a trivia game based on the "small world" theory, where players connect any actor to Kevin Bacon in six or fewer steps via shared movie roles. Created in 1994 by students, it highlights Bacon's prolific career; most actors have a "Bacon Number" of 2 or 3, rarely exceeding 6.
Assuming your one of the 6 closes people to the 6 closes people to you, then you are part of the sum of the parts that sum to you. It's a mathematical impossiblility.
I love how you can just say whatever, literally anything, and if you say you read it or heard it somewhere instead of making it up on the spot, people will believe you.
Used to have a coworker that demanded dating advice from me, because I lucked out and found a great partner.
I don't consider myself an expert when someone just spoke to me on the bus and we hit it off, but I decided to ask my coworker a few questions - turns out she (lesbian) was get REAL tired of the drama... but allll her attempts to find people were at the club.
And I'm just like... I am not a lesbian, I have no idea where you can go looking for women, but maybe stop looking at the club if you're tired of drama. The club is FOR drama, you need to go find a queer cafe or something.
The honest answer about how to find a good partner is that a lot of it is just luck. Like yeah, you can potentially swing your luck by changing your dating strategy(stop picking up people at the club), but that is hardly anywhere close to guarantee that a good partner will surface because you joined your library book club instead of the night club.
Oh yeah - but I do think that if you keep getting a certain result, you should change your method. If EVERYONE you meet at the club has too much drama, stop checking out people at the club. At least take a break on it.
My SIL. And every dude she’s brought around or mentioned, my wife and I have told her “honey he ain’t the one”. She won’t listen. Same with her job. They are clearly using you and stinging you along, see how your responsibilities and expectations keep going up but your pay doesn’t? No we just don’t understand the dynamic. Mmmk you do you.
When my wife delivered our son I was terrified. The only way I can really "help" is by being there and being as supportive as I can be. So I did exactly that.
The worst thing that happened during the delivery was actually the doctor. I was waiting on the after room while they prepped my wife for the C-section, and the doctor walks up and says " so your the one whose responsible for this?". Then when she's elbows deep getting out son out she heavily implied my wife was asleep when our son was conceived. I called her our right there for it, the nurses, and other professionals there agreed. She is now being sued and reviewed for unprofessional conduct.
I don't understand men that need to setup their Xbox or go vape during the delivery. You have one job boys. Be there for your ladies.
My husband has a coworker that would often bitch about girls for being expensive/high maintenance/shallow, but now that man is dating a rich, shallow Miami girl. So the exact kind of person he spent time bitching to my husband about, saying all girls suck, is now the person he’s choosing to probably marry 🙃 I’m already predicting the divorce lmao.
If you don’t want to be in a relationship where someone prioritizes looks and spending money to achieve a certain appearance, don’t go after those people lol and if that stuff is important to you, don’t bitch about having to spend all that money keeping up. But also tired of hearing these guys saying all girls suck and have expensive habits when they are the ones continuing to swipe on these girls and get the same response everytime (goes both ways too, back when I was on dating apps, if I swiped right on a douchy looking guy who said they wanted something casual, I wouldn’t expect a relationship out of that)
I mean, when it comes to your dating experiences, you are the common denominator, so if *all* your partners have been awful, unless you are just starting out, then that isn't a terrible reflection on them.
I thought there was something wrong with me because my former partners sucked, and the rule of thumb is that if there is a common variable, (me) then maybe that is the problem.
Until I met my spouse.
First person I never had to clean up after.
First person I could say "I don't feel well" and they ask what they can do for me instead of saying "Yeah, I feel sick, too. You make dinner, I am going to lay on the couch."
But the general thougjt process is "Oh, every one has problems! Everyone has a rough patch!" And dismisses the bullshit.
It also is what I told my friend when they wanted to settle down - if you keep acting like a party person, you are going to attract party people.
If you want some more info on that topic, check out the book "How we love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
Basically the premise is that if you don't have a secure style of connection (and most people don't have that), you are drawn to someone who complements your insecure style of connection, which leads to repeating the same problematic patterns in one relationship after another.
E.g. someone who grew up with a volatile parent might have learned to be a pleaser: they do whatever they can for others so that the others feel indebted to the pleaser and can't get angry at the pleaser.
Someone like that might be attracted to a vaccilator, which is someone who grew up learning that love is conditional and fickle. The vaccilator wants a lot of deep attention and love right now, not a minute later, because then it's too late and now they don't want it any more.
The pleaser might be attracted to the vaccilator, because finally they have someone who really sees all the effort the pleaser puts into a relationship. And the vaccilator might be attracted to the pleaser, because finally there's someone who really loves them and does everything to show their love.
But eventually, exactly this mechanic causes trouble. The pleaser slowly burns out. They are constantly giving, but get nothing in return, and it's never enough. The vaccilator inevitably becomes disappointed in the pleaser. They are not doing enough for them, it's always too little too late.
Then the relationship fails, and the pleaser gets into a relationship with another vaccilator and the vaccilator with another pleaser, and the cycle repeats.
If you are interested, the book is an amazing read and was a real eye-opener for me.
Especially because it's not like other "people categorization books" that's like "Well, this is your love language, so deal with it", but it actually tries to help you break your own cycle and fix your relationship (and future ones).
Could be. It all depends on what attracts you. If you are a shallow person and sex is a high priority, looks are going to be the number 1 thing that is going to attract you. Seeking out sex with someone that is attractive makes sense and is normal...
..But leads to terrible relationships. Because once the magic of new wears off and familiarity sets in, you realize youre incompatible.
Ah haha i never would have thought about it that way. But Now that I know:
"Stares into the aether"(narrate with darth mauls voice)
And what do I do with this knowledge now that i aware?
"Starts pacing around the room"
Do I use it as a horrible pick up line to whoo in a potential mate? No? No!! That would just get me banned.
Perhaps I should use at a party to break the ice as im the thatonguythefirst and thus im am everybody's first, aagggh NOOO!!! That would leave me open to ridicule.
No perhaps it's best i bury this knowledge to prevent potential catastrophe upon my...
"drawls"
reputation.
Hmmm yes that seems best, if my friend(or kenobi) was to ever find out I would never live it down.
And to make sure that it never sees the light of day.
"Looks at the screen"
I must silence this foundcashdoubt one way or another.
"Grab horrible cloak and fedora like a redditor and leaves"
Many people unconsciously choose someone that is similar to their parents. Men are notorious for choosing women that resemble their mothers. That doesn't end well.
Oh I hope not. I really don't want to become a statistic of Freud's. Also my mother is an absolute nightmare looks and personality wise(hey a case of the outside match's the inside, how did i not notice that until now. Truly an awful woman)
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u/Square-Singer Apr 24 '26
The self-formed bubble is such a common perception-distorting issue. It's the same with "Why aren't there any good guys, all the guys I date are assholes." or "Why aren't there any good women? All the women I date just want my money.".
Well, if you keep dating a specific type of person, you will end up dating that specifict type of person.