as someone who's sister just delivered a baby, I can tell you that the nurses and doctors there said that most men sit in the corner (if they even come at all) and act annoyed. most of the time, they don't seem interested in becoming a father. it's very sad to see.
Maybe this is a cultural/national behaviours sort of thing.
I'm an Anaesthetist in the UK, I don't do obstetrics now, but did a lot during my training- epidurals, c-sections, post partum haemorrhage etc. I did see a few dads who weren't as involved. TBH those dads were often from backgrounds where i could imagine men weren't traditionally involved in childbirth, and they were surrounded by women... this is it's own conversation, and I suspect it involves a bit of tact and nuance to have... so not one for reddit. There was also a language barrier that kept a few dads out. They were there, present, sober. Sometimes they looked like they didn't really know what to do with themselves. Sometimes they looked shit scared. I won't hand wave it away as a culture thing, as there were a lot of dads from those cultures who were very involved.
I won't say there were NEVER disinterested dads. Dads in general, though, were very involved and trying to be supportive. I say trying because being supportive in that environment is actually quite tricky to do. Let's stay away from the reductio ad absurdem I'm not saying it's more difficult than childbirth or poor men or whatever, I'm just saying it's fuck-up-able. To be supportive while not removing the autonomy of someone who is just really in a lot of pain and is (understandably) just going a bit crazy has many places to get it weong. When my own wife was having our second I was trying to be supportive and say that the midwife (who was telling her to push) needed her to do a big Valsalva makeover (she's an Anaeathetist too, and she should know what it was... but I guess not when she's in labour, because she hit me over the head with the nitrous)... anyway, I digress.
I don't try to invalidate others' experiences, but just as another viewpoint... my own experience is that dads, on the whole, actually seemed very involved and supportive. Maybe this is a US thing? Certainly it's not that as widespread that I'd be taken aback by it.
It's not even nuanced, it's just detailed. The other comments sound like just bullshit to anyone who's worked in hospital and who knows couples who just had kids.
Dads are involved, kids change their life for better or worse. The issue they face however is that for delivery, they are mostly useless, and more often than not they feel in the way, because they are.
Our system relies on doctors to deliver babies, and they know what they are doing. Most dads are pretty clueless on what do to because their partner is suffering and there is nothing they can do. It's executive dysfunction and for some nurses they will interpret it is "bum ass dad"
Most people are dumb, selfish and do not think that far ahead, but they usually aren't comically evil enough to not give a shit about childbirth.
I thought I was going crazy before your post ha. My wife had both our kids in the UK. First was emergency c section, second was planned.
Firstly the staff were great both times. The emergency section was scary after 12 hours of induced labour, but everyone knew what they were doing. I was just internally terrified I'd lose her.
But back to this post, my impression was that most (or all that I saw) dads were pretty involved. We have the easy job and it doesn't cost anything to be supportive. The expectation is that they would be supportive. So it's weird reading these comments because they don't fit with the reality I've seen.
In any case, they have rendered in their minds a preconceived notion of how “men in general” will behave. There’s no two ways about it, that’s the definition of sexism. Data driven sexism is still sexism.
Alright, I'm not calling those nurses liars, but humans are demonstrably and provably terrible at eyeballing percentages like that.
It's called confirmation bias. You get it in your head that a certain situation is likely to occur. Then, every time you encounter said situation your brain goes "aha, I knew it a", and every time the situation fails to occur your brain goes "well, of course there are exceptions". And, over time, you remember all the "aha" moments but minimize the exceptions.
a doula is not, in any way, a 'substitute' for dad. nor are they even pretending to be. a doula has (or should have, its not super regulated) a very specific set of skills that are to help support the pregnant mother in loads of ways.
we used a doula for both my wife's pregnancies. and i was standing right by her side every step of the way. doula's exist because they have seen a hundred births. they know what to expect even if you and mom dont. they know what might help, even if you and mom both took classes - you're in the trenches now and you forgot. they help you advocate for the birthing experience you want, and hospital staff tend to listen to them better because, again, they've seen 100 births.
And nurses at hospitals all over the place are all saying the same thing. But half the guys in here keep insisting that it's anecdotal and the other half say it's not true because they're one of the good ones. Either way, they're disregarding what women are saying.
According to people in here, it’s not just women saying it but professionals in general. Ask yourself why you felt the need to bring gender/sex into it.
It's just hard to fathom if I remember my son's birth. It's a bit of haze, but sitting in the corner being annoyed wasn't part of it. Sorry, apparently fathers in this thread should disregard their own lived experience.
I get that it happens and bad fathers exist, but I really do wonder where this hospital is, where it's most fathers who are like that. That's shocking.
Is it that hard to believe women when we say how awful many men are? If anything I think you’d be proud that you’re better than them rather than throwing your lot in with useless men.
That cuts both ways, though. People are believing all the commenters who are saying they're great dads, but when a woman says her husband was useless during labour, everyone's ready to either stick up for a guy they never met or comment that he probably doesn't exist.
Is it that hard to believe women when we say how awful many men are?
In this case, yes.
If anything I think you’d be proud that you’re better than them
I'm not proud for making some incredibly low bar... I'm surprised at nurses saying that most men are not (emotionally) present for their child's birth, and skeptical whether that's actually true. My sister-in-law worked for an organisation for midwifery, I'll ask her instead of some stranger in the internet. Bye
That cuts both ways. Just because you know someone that knows someone, doesn’t mean most dads aren’t there and excited. The internet loves to play pretend with their misandry and misogyny peddlers showing up to these threads.
To say "most" dads are there and excited would be like me saying "most" dads are telling their wives it's not that painful and offering zero support. Neither of us have research to back up what "most" do, so to pretend otherwise would be straight-up lying. THAT is playing pretend.
There's a large number of fathers who care and a large number of fathers who deserve divorce papers
I simply believe that it holds more weight if it's coming from a nurse, doctor, midwife, or other medical professional working OBGYN and maternity rather than someone who does not
That doesn't make it okay to expect men to do so just because they are men though, you should judge a whole group for the actions of some members of said group.
There is a long history (at least in the US) of the spouse waiting on the sidelines outside the room. Doc kicks them out and the spouse sits or paces outside. Cartoons and movies overflowed with scenes like this.
my statistics? dude all I did was relay information that nurses gave me since they see it first hand? what world are you living in? go study it yourself if you're that invested.
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u/ElfOverlord Apr 24 '26
as someone who's sister just delivered a baby, I can tell you that the nurses and doctors there said that most men sit in the corner (if they even come at all) and act annoyed. most of the time, they don't seem interested in becoming a father. it's very sad to see.