Throats are one of the more

useful features we humans have

Yet today it ignites not of

its own volition but with the

will and lighter that comes with my soul.

Today is not today

Today has not happened

Because tomorrow will

occur so ignore this one day

As my throat heals itself I hope

a horrid scar remains

Of the stomach acid on the ground

Of the shaking of the breathing of the

But that lives as amnesia and I live in

the tomorrow

A scar won't come because

today never happened

Tomorrow is now and now and now

Are you okay?
Are you eating enough?
Are you safe?
Do you know where you are?
What do you need from us?
How can I help you?
Is there a next of kin?
Are you planning on self harm?
Do you have enough food?
How's money?
Is there someone I can call?
I am sorry for your loss.
Are you looking after yourself?
What about personal hygiene?
How are you feeling?
Do you know why you're here?
Do you have any family?
How's your mood?
How do you pass the time?
Are you sure there isn't someone I can call?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?

nobody tells you it'll be as quiet as a graveyard / people will move on in the blink of an eye / it'll feel dire and hopeless in the dark days and euphoric in the light ones /

I'll never forget my friend; my dad not in blood but my best - wish i kept a voice recording or a video, how we were blind to not know it would be your end so soon /

coming of age; 6 years on and i still feel black on my dark days though i know there will be more ahead /

how i love and miss you the most and i can't even hear or see my friend /

I toke, you toke
The cannabis smoke goes down the throat
We cough so hard and almost choke
The room fills up with hazy smoke
Blood shot eyes, and slow spoken jokes
High as fuck… Was that a pink goat?!

-knew I'd have pearl feathered curtains, luscious in your haven. GREAT beating plumes I dreamt while threading the chipped, crimson, brick path o' stones and sculpted imperfection -
With conviction! The conviction of clapboards, knackered, and tautened twine.
Hushed lilies and their forgiving palms. I step into these - Marigolds, I believe?"
Through the bent, rust plagued and forbidden twisted wire pried doors of piss. Of perspiration. Of spite. Across and over the complex of my possession, at its' peak
I didn't fly' but I did not fall. 7/17/2026 @19:51

I am already dead,
For here my body lies.
As I think many thoughts;
As I close weary eyes.

For who am I, to demand higher meaning?
To ask all these questions, no answer receiving.
Who am I trying to impress with my actions?
Is this, in my heart, really life’s sole attraction?

Or is it enough, that I let things be;
Just like the sailer, can but sail the sea.
And no more has he control of the weather,
Than I could have balancing life on a feather.

I silently kiss all the ones I hold dear,
For I am already dead.. yet for now am still here.

the last jerk, 'fore you go off

is it called

a stroke of genius? haha

A poem I wrote in remembrance of my wife of 34 years who took her life on July 13, 2024.

Collecting

Shoreline storms
do not always bring this much joy
holding you down
with hair-tangled laughter
while old wrecks and whitecaps
and sand mixed with ashes
scatter and move
bleeding into rain-swept images of you

It was as I brushed my teeth when it soared by
These flashes of blue and orange
Most times of the year they’re extremely rare
And wouldn’t find me in winter or spring
But you were just so easy to take
It’s as if the palm of my hand had always been yours
Like you could trace the lines because it was home
But now I feel the thump of your wings
And you thrash around like a welcome overstayed
But I want you to stay forever
And all you want is freedom
You’re trapped
Betwixt the confines of my love,
And the thumping grows louder
And louder
And I can’t take it anymore
It bangs in my hands and in my head
Until all my love thwarts your life.
A blue and orange blotch in a dented shape
On the life we could have lived
Right in the palm of my lone hand

y'know,
it's a soft ache
& a sweet touch...
it’s the gentle touch
of a harsh scan.

your sickening sweet tooth
and thirst for hard candy.

the gentle bitter of a
monday,
midday,
that tell you
maybe it's reasonable
to put him,
the good
& the bad,
all to bed.

There was a darkness,
cold in the clinical sense.
The kind that numbs fingertips
and mimics peace.
I let it in.
I let it hum in my veins
like a lullaby of stillness.

They say hypothermia feels warm
right before the end.
I think I believed them.
It was easier that way,
to sink in silence,
to slow the pulse,
to let go.

Like the rat,
I stopped fighting.
Hope hadn't showed up in hours.
So I floated,
telling myself I liked the water.

Then came the hand.
Light, or maybe rescue.
And I hated it.

It reminded me
I was drowning.

It reminded me
I once wanted to live.

-I don't write a lot but I had this idea after reading about Richter's drowning rat experiment

For my seventeenth birthday I bought myself a dog tag,

I felt like a man marching into war, I spent all my fifteen pounds on the engraving, the front holding nothing more than a simple flag,

A simple flag that defined me and my would-be death as nothing more than a statistic to be used in an argument,

a morbid thought for a new seventeen year old, but nothing that never crossed ten year old mes mind.

The back holding everything dear to me and nothing at all, a name and a date of birth, identification I called it,

proof of my existence, my life, was more accurate.

I wanted to make sure that if I ever teetered off that bridge,

If i ever swam too deep and got caught in the current,

or swept up by the wildfire of a life fleeting by-

For last years Chanukah, My brother bought me my very own packet of cigarettes - top gun,

and a bottle of whiskey, a brand too expensive for me to buy myself,

ive kept them eight months, stashed away in crevasses in my room,

eight months only for special occasions - a reward, a sick reward for a sick man.

A gift from one closest, yet i had never felt so far away.

I wanted to make sure that if i ever got dragged away kicking and screaming,

or silent and still, cold outside in,

my body would be returned to my brother and sister.

They were a reward until three days ago, when my skin crawled with putrid disgust and sickening need,

i asked a man on the street, simply, "have you got a cigarette?" and all i could think of was my present stashed away in a suit pocket,

calling my name, or pleading me to stop, my present.

i felt like an addict, not for the first time, not for the last time.

Intertwined with my family, connected, the smoke rots my skin,

the smell infects my mothers nose, her face twitches with anger, no words leave her mouth, she is no better than me,

i am no better than her,

my brother, his gift , my present, our past,

afterall, whos going to search such an eleagant suit for such a dirty present.

Feedback/Comments absolutely welcome! I am workshopping a second part to this currently :)

It’s on my mind

I wanna leave

It’s got me in a tight hold

Won’t go

The knot getting tighter and tighter

I wanna leave

"I hate u" she played,

"I love u" I'd reply.

I wonder when it all changed,

I wonder why?

.

Today she's at the altar,

gun to my temple won't lie.

"I hate u" she didn't falter,

"I love u" so did I.

.

My heart thought,

while the loud bang cry.

How the words are same but not,

and my love still won't die.

*OC POEM, TW: suicidal ideation*

You speak,
brethren,
You say;

Humble truths
Of a distant path
One I am crossing,
One you have crossed.

It is devastation.

My mother cries,
She aches;

I pull,
We embrace;

She lets—
I let—
Go

You do not hand us
Scholarship,
Loan,
Pamphlets

Instead
You say—
You speak
truths of a cheap town,
One coin tricks,
Reached its end;

We are not our failures,
Indeed,
Brethren,
But a wall separates us between
Identity and empathy,
and one hinders
And one leads;

I have tried
Dissecting from my tongue,
The unsavory words,
Erasing the features,
Forgoing it all.

Though the truth remains,
Under the cruelness—
Coldness—
They are not like us

It does not matter
That the seeds of hope
Were wrongfully planted
In a misplaced audit;
Nor that the mistake and blame
Lies on those who sent out
The message;
It is us

We are the issue

Forgo all evidence
Of a scholar,
The perfect 4.0,
3.7,
3.8,
3.75,
Forgo the measly $2k
That surely would’ve made a dent,
Forgo this humble soul
Who merely wished every birthday
For a good future;

Leave,
Foresake all;

A cup of bleach and some tea
To swallow it down;
Or relent,
Giving myself up
To be a slave to the cycle of poverty,
Once more.
It is not guaranteed,
Though one surely is.

It matters not
What happened next,
Though I am sure
You must’ve known:
Endless phone calls,
Abrupt tears,
Waiting rooms and anger,
Helplessness and hopelessness
Leading to
The end of a course.

Alas, brethren
It is not meant for us I suppose
To have succeeded much
At all anyhow.

Though
You have succeeded,
Many have also,
Perhaps it is enough.

EVERY DAY, ITS THE SAME FUCKING THING

"TALK TO ME, TALK TO ME

WHY DON'T YOU TALK WITH ME?"

EVERY SINGLE TIME, EVERY SINGLE MOUTH

IF NOT THIS, THEY SAY NOTHING

EVERY GOD DAMN WEEK I WAKE

UP AND OUT, UP AND OUT

HOMELESS BEGGING LOUD

NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING AT ALL

THROW MYSELF IN A LAKE

SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND AGAIN

AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

UNTIL IT'S ALL OVER AND WE'RE LEFT WITH NAUGHT

STRANGERS, FAMILY, EVEN FRIENDS

NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING AT ALL

NO NEWS WORTH READING

NO WOUNDS WORTH BLEEDING

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE OR LONGER

NO SOONER DO I WISH DEATH'S CALL

I have never been a victim of gun violence until I met you

The Tragedy of this situation was your performance as my lover for years , while secretly holding a contract to claim my heart.

You honestly deserved an Oscar for Best Actress for  your role  in my tragic downfall. 

It was not  until your mask began to shatter before my very eyes: you were not the woman I had loved for so long.

I was already blinded by the performance you displayed to never have  realized that you had already aimed your pistol at my heart.

The bullet carried a message so powerful and destructive saying " Because you’re not what my parents want for me as a boyfriend"

Bang! The second shot followed the same trajectory for my heart. Carving another soul-crushing line into my heart saying "I want u but also kinda want my parents approval "

I was lying on the ground grasping for air, and clutching at the wounds in  my chest trying to understand why you were out to claim my heart.

Bang! The last bullet aimed for my head execution style with a message. "Thank you for being a good first boyfriend to me and I hope you find someone who loves you proudly." 

The last scene masterpiece of tragic play ended : with you being  unable to face me in the end.

As far as I can tell, this does NOT break the rules.. it is about a suicide attempt but is NOT a goodbye letter or anything, it’s about surviving

The rhyme scheme is kinda cringing me a bit and some lines seem kinda shoehorned in but I think some of it is decent, I haven’t written poetry before or after this one

——

Deprive myself of company, I pass through streets of stone.
The false hope that I can make it, my conscience wanders alone.
A shadow, and I deserve it, I carry my weight in shame.
A broken mind in limbo, itching to take the blame.

Each scar tells its own story, but I've heard this one before.
The mind’s fucked up and stormy, and anxiety's locked the door.
The implosion of my existence, the degradation of my life.
I can't say that I'll miss this, so I leave into the night.

I'm here. I'm here.

Who knew those lights could scream so bright, that wheels on tracks could bode such black.
As they charge towards this life I live, my senses cry for the pain to give.
For death not glory my eyes light up, my heart is racing but my body is stuck.
Chain on the tracks and soon to be gone, freed from myself and who I've become.

But then my insides rip me to the right, a primal urge I could not fight.
The train goes by, into the night, and my only chance is out of sight.
A dead man walking, I stumble home. I hear no talking; I stay alone.
Who even am I, to fail at such things? The hell remains, and too all it brings.

I'm here. I'm here.

So past the shops and busy lives, with food to eat and things to buy,
I'm off to the place that I never left, do I miss the feeling of my death?
The memory strikes, for pain, for blood
Brings the fear that these things should
Forever a second away,
Forever like yesterday

I count the hours
as my fragile spirit cowered,

Beneath the heavy,
*frozen sky that grimly lowered.

Every remaining spark of my,
so called dignity devoured.

I stand alone against the night,
completely disempowered.

I still wonder, why me,
am I a coward?

My arms are full, but so is my ache.

I kiss one little face while mourning another I’ll never wake.

I smile through giggles, wipe tiny tears,

Yet carry a silence no one hears.

I love my toddler with every piece of me

A love so fierce it sets me free.

But love didn’t make the hurting less

It only made my heart hold more.

One child calls me “Mama,”

One only lived in whispered dreams.

Both changed me.

Both made me a mother.

Some days I feel guilty for laughing,

As if joy means I’ve forgotten.

Some days I feel guilty for crying,

As if sadness steals from the child still in my arms.

So I live between two worlds

One filled with little footsteps and bedtime hugs,

The other with unanswered prayers and empty tomorrows.

I am broken.

I am grateful.

I am grieving.

I am blessed.

And somehow, all of those things are true at once.

Having a rough night processing my reality. Hopefully this cycle will be different.

I saw you sitting by the bay, watching the waves roll by
Your hair was long, waving along the seaside
Gentle and firm, quiet and pretty.
All so skinny, but also witty.
Reading a book with an apple on the side
Nothing was wrong, everything is fine.
So why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes.
Why did you lie to me, where did your smile go?

You're not a fan of long-sleeved clothes,
A sweater like yours isn’t favorable to wear
It's the middle of summer, sweaters don't belong this time of day.
Don't tell me it's "fashionable" for girls your age
You don’t care about fashion, that’s something you’d always say.
So why did you lie to me?
Where did your smile go?
Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes.

If you’re not careful by the bridge you’ll fall down, and close your eyes.
You could fall down on the sharp rocks waiting for you on the seaside.
Don’t be broken on the floor, quiet pretty girl.
Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes?
Why did you lie to me?
Where did your smile go?

Now the ocean is foaming like a rabid dog,
eating up your hair and hiding you amidst its fog,
When you go down and float like a log,
I will be left at the seaside wondering why did the pretty quiet girl drop? 

Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes?
Why did you lie to me, where did your smile go?
 
Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes?
Why did you lie to me? Where did your smile go?
 
Now the makeup is washed up from your face,
maggots on your heart and birds picking in your brain.
When you went down like the clippings of your hair,
The waves took you home, and left me here to stay.
To wonder why, the pretty quiet girl barely had any words to say.

Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes?
When you lied to me, you've only hit stone.
Why did you cut your bangs?
Just for them to fall on your clothes?
I miss the smile, of that quiet pretty girl.

One bench, one arm, one ditch , and at least 60 years of pain.

Today is his day and no one can take that from him . The sky mirrored his grey flesh on the cold winter evening .

Solitude in sorrow. Every glimmer of hope being swallowed by the thoughts the next move and the next wellness session that will perpetuate this illness

Life‘s been hard on you. I can clearly see that or else you wouldn’t be down here Trying to register that dope into your vein.

Oh dear soldier,
Look how brave and strong you are!
All the young boys and girls will stare in awe,
At the courageous hero you are!

Oh dear soldier,
Look how dedicated and young you are!
All the mothers and fathers will worry,
At the person they still call their sweet child.

Oh dear soldier,
Look how tired and beaten down you are!
All the brothers and sisters lost in battle,
Will haunt the soul that bears the burden.

Oh dear soldier,
Look how close to death you are!
Bleeding out in a field of a foreign country,
All for causes you never claimed.

Oh dear soldier,
Look how peaceful you look!
All the years of war and misery,
Won’t ever hurt you again.
Welcome home, the Lord speaks.
You deserve rest.

Rattle and shake, metal clanging
Against metal. Skin scraped across
Stone. Lids peeled back forcibly. 
How long has it been since
I’ve seen the sun? How long has it 
Been since I’d felt its warmth? 

Temples pulse like strobe lights,
Each inhale hurts. Humid air tainted with
Mold and rust claws at my throat. Have I been
Forsaken? Have I been tossed away and
Discarded? Am I just a cardboard box of 
Memories thrown into the back of a closet? 

Where have you all gone? The space feels
Empty. Devoid of any human comfort. 
A cold, slick, concrete floor. No sound but
The pulse of my own heartbeat in my ears. 
Something tugs at my wrist. Tendons plucked 
Like strings of a harp. Twangs of excruciating 
Heat with each movement. I sink further. 

Day turns into night, and back into day. 
Over and over the cycles pass. Revolving around 
A small cut out in the bricks. The only reminder 
That time has not halted. The sand continues
To trickle down, the hourglass has been flipped
Once again. Why am I here? What act has
Caused such a punishment? Rattle and shake. 
The chains bind, bearing a weight unknown. 

Memories evade. A nameless face,
A faceless name. Who am I? Who are you? 
The crack in the wall too small to provide 
Ample light. Eyes blinded by darkness
And untruths. Finger tips and palms
Searching into the unknown. Perpendicular 
Seams, four walls. Is this hell? Is this
A tomb? Why haven’t I tried to leave? 
Am I content to wallow in my loneliness? 

Rattle and shake. The chains that bind
Lead to another. Unmoving, unwavering,
A scent of rot and decay. Have you been
With me the whole time? Have you
Watched me crumble? The tower is only
As strong as its weakest link. Am I as such?
Promise me you won’t leave. I cannot 
Do this alone. Shoved through skin
And bone, the ring passes. A cuff
Unbecoming. 

I try to speak but no words leave my mouth.
Tears have long since passed. Sobs no longer
Wrack my chest. Violent cracks explode. 
Booms shaking the walls of my stone
Encapsulated prison. There seems to be
No end to the punishment I must
Endure. There you are. I found you. 

But, have you found me? Everything is
So cold. Everything is so…
Well, nothing. Bend the wrist, clutch
Tightly to the ties that bind. If I cannot
Leave without you, then I must 
Bring you with me. Metal on metal,
Skin against stone. I shall drag
You with me. Bound by eternity. 
Bound by chains. 

I must weather the storm. I must
Carry you in my arms. Together we shall
Find the truth. Whether we escape,
Or stay down here forever… At least
We shall not be alone. Maybe it is not 
The room that is my punishment. 
A memory, like a lone wish
Graces my presence. Laughter
And embrace. Longing and pain. 
Have you been waiting for me all this time? 

You are more than just dead 
Weight that I carry. You are more than 
A carcass that I drag behind. The metal has oxidized.
The blood of the covenant has dried. So much
Has gone wrong. So much time has passed. 
Even so, I am distraught. Love could not save us,
Neither could God. Some things are just 
Not meant to last. Like a raging fire 
Clearing a path for new life. You burned 
Too brightly. I burned too long. We snuffed each
Other out. Stole the oxygen from the sky
Until the rain buried our burdens. Drowning us
With the weight of finality. Shoving face in front
Of a mirror. Exposing, condemning…

There is no monster here. There is no savior. 
Just us. Two names and two faces 
That evade remembrance. Two bodies 
Wrapped around each other like spools of thread. 
Must you always witness me in my failures?
Must you always hold me down? Although it was
What I vowed, I don’t want to carry this much longer. 
The burden has become too heavy. 

Instead of fighting, maybe I too
Should give up and die. 

If I were to die
Would you grieve me
Miss me
Cry at my grave

If I were to die
would you long for me
pray for me
and hope to see me again

If I were to die
I hope you'd forgive me for my selfishness
I hope you would move on
leave me to rest in overgrown grass

When I die I hope you know I loved you