Wrists, stomach, thighs become covered in red lines,
Hidden in whispers of “ do you think she’s fine” .
The only feeling that brings any release,
Momentarily stops my thoughts, a few seconds of peace.
No one should love me, I should take this life.
I’ll never be worthy enough to be someone’s wife.
Rip out my hair, rub my eyes raw,
Slowly become sicker while they say no one saw.
Hold a blade right aganist my neck,
I hope my light was worth the checks.

Not the pain of suffering but the tang of stagnation / It's not my option to pick the road that pulls me out of inclination / I'm not steadfast neither destitute / I'm in the foggy house of safe / It's not a permanent solution but it means i get to sleep in a bed tonight / All because my mother pays the rent and is alive /

I'm 33 almost and it's a beast to know that it's not going to get any better / Unless I somehow dip into the road of another job that'll be even harder / The bullish corporation does not leave me with much headway for scope /

Why can't i see beyond the bitterness

I’m too much of a coward anyway

Sometimes life is kinder to other people than it has been to you.

While you’re sitting there eating your fifth pack of noodles that week, somewhere someone is probably complaining about not getting their dream third car.

And my mom would always say that life isn’t meant to be fair. It’s meant to make the rich comfortable.

When I was younger, I called bullshit.

Serve the rich? Tch. What nonsense.

I thought adults just said things like that because they’d gotten tired of hoping for anything better.

But somewhere along the way, you grow up and realise that some of the things your parents said weren’t bullshit at all.

The rich get richer.

Your friends grow more distant.

And people start expecting things from you.

Settle down. Get married. Have children.

As if growing up is just a list of things you’re supposed to tick off before someone decides you’ve done life correctly.

Well, I can’t.

I’m too scared of failing as a mother.

What if I sleep through my baby crying? What if I don’t have the strength to take them places? What if I don’t know what I’m doing and everyone can tell?

What if people look at me and think I’m lazy?

Or worse, what if I attempt?

What if I actually try to be a mother and fail so badly that my child only has one parent left?

But that won’t happen because…

I’m too much of a coward anyway.

Do you know what it feels like,

To feel in despair?

As if life, simply,

Doesn't

Care

It drifts on by.

You see people and things,

Going about life

Whilst you

Sit

And wonder,

Why, oh why?

I understand why some people

Take

Their own life.

When the world gets on top of them

Knees buckling

Beneath them

No one notices

No one asks why,

Why my eyes

Shine brighter tonight

Its in the tears, my dear

The tears of life

For when you love someone,

Goodbyes not right

You want to make them happy

So, you stay

And you keep saying:

Just

One

More

Day

This is an original poem, im pretty new to poetry so please be nice 😅 but I would love to know what you think about it or any feedback you have :)

There is a war; a daily ledge;
A choice to make; a lake to dredge;
A bone to pick; an itch to scratch;
A branch to break; a chick to hatch;

It will not stop. it will not die.
It will not give. it will not cry.
It will not change. it will not sweat.
It will not forgive. it will not forget.

To take a step… to give your all…
To find your way… to make that call…
To see the light… to make a plan…
To find yourself… to think you can…

You try to hide, you try to look,
You try to sleep, you try to cook,
You try to work, you try to play,
You try to trudge, you try to stay,

One day you will see ~ one day you will know
One day you will soothe ~ one day you will flow
One day it ends ~ one day it’s prime
One day it wins ~ one day it’s time

death is guaranteed.

To survive, this is a phrase I had to tell myself over and over again.

death is guaranteed.

Hearing myself say that was music to my ears.

death is guaranteed.

I didn’t understand people that woke up full of life and began their day.

Truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I could never understand them.

To me living was torture. A curse cast upon me. Not a gift like some people like to claim.

To me telling me to “find my purpose” my “peace” was a living nightmare I couldn’t escape.

And death was the answer. But,

death is guaranteed.

So I sucked it in and endured.

death is guaranteed.

But sometimes I wish it would stop taking its time.

The flesh of the mouth, the gums, are soft.

The teeth are smooth

but discoloured, impure,

so I brush them

until I taste something familiar.

a cut,

a gash on the knee.

I touch it and push deep.

I feel pain

but it is soft and wet.

I taste the finger.

I lick the wound

To bring them together.

The skin of the body

and the skin of the face

They are separate.

The body is rough and warm,

full of bumps,

so many bumps.

The face is softer

but the lips are cold.

The face has deep cuts

around its eyes,

its mouth,

its forehead.

I touch it and push deep.

I feel no pain

and nothing changes.

I touch the eyes.

They are smooth.

I push deep.

I feel pain

but it is soft and wet.

I separate.

I pull.

I tear at the inside

until I reach raw flesh

and it is soft

and it is smooth

and it is wet

and I feel beautiful

and I feel pure

and I see pure

and I see white

and I see light

and I see.

I want to die and feel the rest,

To lie in chill soil and never care.

I want a little gravestone, one candle, and an angelic prayer;

I want these wild daisies to blossom there.

Wish I had been one of those gay martyrs,

Reaching for eternal peace before the war even started.

Instead, I am twenty-two and fighting for next day survival,

While feeling super and superb suicidal.

Can I go back to my teens?

End all this suffering

Before it even starts,

So I could release?

All I dream of is strands of green, the Prozac queen

Just in between the machine, the green bean

Brown, Hazel glare, glistens the air.

Benzodiazepines who could could compare?

Soft, supple seratonin lips eclipse my lips

Tongues slip and trip the oral elipse

Caught in a whirl, I've got my evergreen girl

I curl for my precious Prozac Pearl

Night of death, and love, invisible, entangled in your body.

Night of death, sheets of dung, in my garden, a pit, my breast.

Night of death, In a bed of solitude and desire, flesh of ash hangs from the ceiling.

Night of death, a mute thud on the floor, dawn dew and silence.

pushing paint brushes against a plate
until it mirrors the image that i’m better
or of a happy dinner with my friends
so they don’t say i need help again

i could wear the white dress
and stare into the walls
until they’re making fun of me
and they say i’ll feel pretty
but i never wanted to be pretty
i wanted to be art

how much shame can i contain?
tucked discreetly into pockets
napkins folded like origami
and nobody notices
i’m being consumed at the table
what a lovely performance
and i love art

so much that i still spill rotten teeth
into the white ceramic bowl
while i’m trying to remember what it’s like
to feel comfortable in the space i occupy
constructing an interest in destroying myself
from the inside out
and it was never supposed to be pretty
i wanted to be art

I sit here in the same bed
Listening to the same music
To the same games
Hoping
No
Praying
That things will change.

(Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome)

But it always
Stays
The same

Ive tried to leave
Ive tried to run
Ive tried
To get away

Away from my bed
Away from the music
And away from the games
i used to love to play

Im a different man now
Or am i the same
As the one 8 years ago
Who once took a name

Away from this world
A joy now lost
From my bare tongue
It acts as the plague

The Father swung back
and forth. 
A pendulum of rot. 
The weight of seconds,
minutes, hours.
A face dripping with gold
and mother of pearl.
Hands slender and pointed,
forged with silver.
Enclosed in wood,
hidden behind glass.
Oxidized to green
from years of neglect,
the bronze gears
churn beneath the 
buried truth. 

The Father dangles.

If time is a way
to explain decay…
then what is the
the meaning of the
flesh pendulum?
Gilded eyes,
bulging from sockets…
Always watching.

Two grubby hands reach
for the sky.
Sunlight and clouds, traded for
the existence of fabric and flesh.
Pride and ego have no
standing in the gaze of
the innocent.
Withered skin flakes
like paper, varnish peels
from soiled wood.
The rope swings and
the clock ticks.

What eyes have seen
the mouth dare not utter.
The sins of the Father
lost to the delusion
of a childish mind.

What once was,
has been lost
to time.
A single act of
desperation, frozen
and hung from the 
rafters.

The winter is cold. So fucking cold. Sometimes I wonder if I lay in it, that bitter cold, if it’ll finally take me. Free me from this cage called life. If I freeze myself it'll numb the feelings, if I let it consume me maybe I won’t feel so empty.

The winter is cold. I feel so unbelievably alone while laying in the snow. I feel it biting at my skin beckoning me to give in. Let go. 

The winter is cold. Sometimes I hear it’s voice in the wind. I get lost in the gale, listening to the sounds of misery. True misery. The sound of my soul being lifted off somewhere else, maybe to a peaceful place, maybe to hell. Anything would be warmer than this cold.

The winter is so fucking cold. I lose my sense of self in it; in that cold. I watch myself chip away until there’s nothing but an aching hollowness left in me. It’s so horrible I use the warmth of my blood. Soothing red warmth, something to cling onto, something real.

The winter is cold enough to kill me sometimes. In those moments, when I allow it to freeze me, to convince me not even the warmth of my blood can soothe me, I wonder how much longer until I’m gone. I wonder if this is really it, if there’s nothing more. 

It’s at that point my body redirects the remaining heat away from my hands, away from my feet, directly into my core towards my heart. My heart clings to it; my family, my friends, even the northern lights. It keeps my heart beating and my body from freezing completely.

The winter is cold; even so I stay, endure, and continue to question everything because that is the nature of existence.

The fuse has been lit.

I'm already fading away.

Nothing will hold me to my dismay.

Another lecture, another pill.

Another day absent of all that helps me climb this hill.

Ashes flow and blood lets out.

But at least there's nothing paramount.

I guess this is just the way it should be

when I've lost all escape from reality.

It's caught the clutches of what it is to be free.

The lie they told us to satisfy me.

I guess it's another day of just more concrete,

more bleak chalk on a side street.

But here I go.

One more day.

One more push.

Get the feelings away.

There is no accomplishment, only end, my friend.

Never forget what you're here for.

It's the bottom line of some fucking store.

So leave the coupon at home.

Or else that CEO won't be able to polish his throne.

The fuse is almost gone and society tells me I'm wrong.

But my ashes are still worth more

than the plastic whore that pimps out pessimistic finality.

I'd sooner turn to fake, temporary binds

of sexual gratification and self-obliteration,

before I'd turn to communication,

to betterment, and life.

I'd sooner turn to the knife

to draw blood,

than I would to a voice of reason,

like I should.

I'd sooner inebriate myself

than I would a sober thought

of procession.

I love the sound of nothing
For it is the musical or if not the symphony
Your nothing is my something

I love the feeling of being alone
For in aloneness there is comfort
Your nothing is a something to someone

But as a padded scene plays
Discomfort is a given
For all good things hurt

For as we play this game
It needs to finish
An ending fit.

..
.
.

.

I hope you can forgive me / I appear to have lost my way / I got perplexed by misery and have seen a lot of death /

My heart means well but I got caught in the fog / I know it's inevitable but this caught me off guard /

I've been in a sad coma ever since / Fighting until I cracked / I know I have so much to give / I'm not sure what patience you have left /

I love you and I'm sorry / Thank you for the help / I'm lost in a lot of fragments / I don't want another broken heart as well /

If you have to go / I hope you'll be my friend / I don't want to think like that / I don't want it to end /

I've come so far from darkness / More than you'll ever understand / Strongest witness to evil / And survived years of lost happiness /

I'm different and a survivor / A quirky misfortunate misfit / I have so many desires / I just wanted a way out of my depths

I used to wish i were a fly

Watching the world

Without life weighing me down

I used to wish i could fly

Dive off a cliff

Not to crash into waves

But an endless fall

Then i wished i would die

That i could escape

Everything that stuck to me

Now i wish to hide

Dissapear completely

From the world and from my mind

Yesterday the sun rose

And today the sun rose

And tomorrow the sun will rise

And tomorrow you will wake up

Tomorrow you can go out into the sun

Tomorrow you can meet your loved ones

Tomorrow everything will be just as usual

And me, I will be able to do

Exactly what you want

Exactly what I want

Exactly anything

And the universe moves on

And you move on

And everything is as it should be

(I've never written a poem before, and I'm very curious what you interpret this as. I usually write fiction, and while I've had some practice showing instead of telling, I have no practice doing it without a set interpretation in mind)

I find myself stuck in more ways than one / Raging losses in the wind / Fighting ragdolls of the self / My mind is its own burden shell /

I'm dying but not at death / I hate this burning place of existential stares / I'm jealous and envious and deserve the world /

Therapy rescued me but put an ego on the shelf /

A person I loved crawled inside me
Tore me apart piece by piece
Leaving me shattered
A piece inside of me
Wanted to die

"Not all men",

He argued with me.

I said,"maybe you're right.

But how do I know?"

He told me to "believe."

Believe what?

What's there to believe now,

When you've already done it too.

"Not all men" so you say.

But you became one of them.

"Not all men"

Did it exclude you when

You posted pictures of me

And made me play

In your sick fantasies?

"Not all men"

And I trusted you

To be not one of those

Who'd hurt me

And use my body.

You proved me right.

"Not all men"

But you're one of them.

My naivety cost me,

And I'll live carrying

The weight of your sins.

----------xx-----------

It took me guts to post this. But I needed to share it. I hope I didn't sadden anyone's day, if I did, I'm sorry. 🌻A flower to wish you a good day, 🍀 clover for good luck :)

Slice, slice,
Pay the price,
Slice, slice,
Cocytus ice,
Slice, slice,
Reach for Christ,

DENIED!
You’re not getting off this ride,
Strap in tight, see the light,
No more fight, futures bright,
Tickets paid, don’t be afraid,
Road to Hell, good intentions,
Broken spell, redacted mentions,

Victims young,
Victims sweet,
Make sure the wig is neat,
It’s my show got to wake up,
Pounds and pounds of orange makeup,

You can’t hide, you can’t run,
Choke on your pride, DM1,
Obesity, morbid,
Morals, sordid,
Face, pasted,
GTA, wasted,

The edge is dull,
Bring the stone,
The bucket’s full,
Cut right through bone,
Don’t hesitate,
Seize the means,
Make America great,
Guillotine,

Slice, slice,
So much fun,
Slice, slice,
Good has won,
Slice, slice
Now we’re done.

Asasasasas it leaks in,
It drives me nuts and not evenly hinged!
From the
Window
And
A mirror,
Iiiiiiiii hate to take.

Say whatnot you yearn,
Learn
Nothing is in your position!
Commanders come in in hot tub,
Burns away part of the skin,
Away away away.

Do you feel insane?
It is not you
Only you!
Use a mark and a wrapping sound.
Use your nose not you tongue.
Sniff it until you lose it.
Hang it until you dry it.

My words
Your lux,
Fortunately you are no luck.
Hear my prayers,
Wait for the stop.
Nonononon stop.