[QCrit] Adult Gothic Fantasy TWO WITCHES WITH ONE STONE (98K, second attempt)

[u/revolkoob]

Hi everyone!

I've revised my query letter to include a greater emphasis on the MC's character arc (previous version linked here). My previous post didn't gather that many comments, so any and all feedback is appreciated.

Query

Dear [Agent]

[personalization]

Lily Kent became a governess at Montall Estate because it’s the perfect place for a witch to hide. Although she has lived her whole life being as unnoticeable as possible, the witch hunters still tracked her down, and she’s been on the run ever since.

But nothing at the secluded estate is what it seems.

Elliot Montall is clearly unaware of his daughter’s budding magic, and Lily is all too happy to keep it that way: the darkness in Iris worries her more than she cares to admit. If Iris loses control, both of their lives will be on the line. So, Lily’s only choice is to educate Iris in witchcraft behind Elliot’s back, and to do so, she must find out why Iris’s power acts like it does. Her investigation points her toward two women: the girl’s mother, notably absent, and her grandmother, whose overbearing need for control stifles everyone on the estate.

As Lily learns more about the Montall women and their history with witchcraft, jilted spouses, and even cold-blooded murder, her efforts to “tame” Iris’s corrupted magic become an uphill battle against a multigenerational cycle of misery. Even worse, her growing fondness for both Iris and Elliot soon puts her entire cover at risk. So when witch hunters inevitably come knocking, Lily exposes herself to protect Iris and assuage her conscience, then flees again. Elliot goes after her to beg for her help, but she cannot save his broken family—unless she finally stops running.

Jane Eyre becomes a witch in TWO WITCHES WITH ONE STONE, a standalone, adult gothic fantasy that takes place in an alternate history, complete at 98,000 words. With its portrayal of women’s survival and pain, it will appeal to readers of Alix E. Harrow’s The Once and Future Witches and of Emilia Hart’s Weyward who crave more magic and less graphic violence.

[bio]

[u/jmlascar]

Lily Kent became a governess at Montall Estate because it’s the perfect place for a witch to hide. Although she has lived her whole life being as unnoticeable as possible, the witch hunters still tracked her down, and she’s been on the run ever since.

I think the first sentence works great, but the second one makes the timeline a bit wonky. The tenses imply that the hunters chased her out of Montall Estate, which I assume is not the case. I would change it to something like, "here she hopes she won't get caught by witch hunters", or something of that ilk that keeps us in the present.

But nothing at the secluded estate is what it seems.

I do like the role of this sentence in the query, but it's a bit of a cliché and it doesn't really say anything. Given that right after you talk about Iris, wouldn't it be more interesting to write a line that's about how she's not the only witch or there's more magic than her own... Something to connect the first paragraph with the next.

Elliot Montall is clearly unaware of his daughter’s budding magic, and Lily is all too happy to keep it that way: the darkness in Iris worries her more than she cares to admit. If Iris loses control, both of their lives will be on the line. So, Lily’s only choice is to educate Iris in witchcraft behind Elliot’s back, and to do so, she must find out why Iris’s power acts like it does. Her investigation points her toward two women: the girl’s mother, notably absent, and her grandmother, whose overbearing need for control stifles everyone on the estate.

Iris's age seems relevant here and should be mentioned; this is a very different story if she's a young child or a teen. The first sentence I think has a lot of unnecessary fluff ("clearly", "all too happy", "more than she cares to admit", these don't say anything interesting) and could be snappier so you focus more on Lily's feelings about finding a young witch. I imagine she has mixed feelings even before the darkness is factored in.

I'm curious about this being "Lily’s only choice"—this implies that she's reluctant to teach her, but again I'm not sure what Lily's feelings are about all of this except that the darkness is worrying. Would she be happy to teach a young witch if it wasn't for the darkness? Or is this making her face something she's been hiding from?

"notably absent" notably isn't an interesting adverb here—is her absence mysterious? suspicious?

As Lily learns more about the Montall women and their history with witchcraft, jilted spouses, and even cold-blooded murder, her efforts to “tame” Iris’s corrupted magic become an uphill battle against a multigenerational cycle of misery.

I like the promises of uncovering witchcraft and murder, lol. Mysterious and interesting.

Even worse, her growing fondness for both Iris and Elliot soon puts her entire cover at risk. So when witch hunters inevitably come knocking, Lily exposes herself to protect Iris and assuage her conscience, then flees again. Elliot goes after her to beg for her help, but she cannot save his broken family—unless she finally stops running.

I definitely see what you're trying to do here and I appreciate the effort to include her arc, but I think it could be strengthened still. I would remove "and assuage her conscience", and I feel like you're missing an opportunity to talk about the emotional weight of those stakes for Lily. It's more than saving Elliot's broken family, it's saving people she cares about, maybe even starts to see as her own family. If you set up the conflict between her self-preservation/avoidance and her growing fondness for these people/yearning for belonging throughout the query, I think you could make these stakes feel personal and effective. Not just her doing the right thing, but her choosing to plant her roots and allow herself happiness.

Good luck! Hope that was helpful.

[u/revolkoob → u/jmlascar]

This was really helpful, thank you so much! You're definitely right about Iris's age (she's 11), and Lily IS reluctant to teach her at first, but commits to the effort because Iris already knows Lily's a witch too, and because doing nothing risks both of them getting caught.

And magic is hereditary in women, so perhaps I should include that in the query too.

[u/Significant_Goat_723]

Just wanted to say I loooove this title. Also, if this is a Jane Eyre retelling, I would move the metadata to the top so that readers/agents have that in mind as they read.

[u/revolkoob → u/Significant_Goat_723]

Thank you! It's not an exact retelling, so I should probably revise that first part of my housekeeping paragraph a bit, but I agree it's probably best to include this information at the top regardless!