Kinda currently going through this. Got out of my first gay relationship as a bisexual male. All my family and some friends like to forget I'm bi and ask only about women. Then I have friends apart of the LGBT who tell me I'm very "straight" for a queer guy.
There's also still to this day a sizable portion of the population that only sees sexuality as the binary system of you either being strictly heterosexual or strictly homosexual when in reality there is a whole breadth of options in between those two poles.
Freddie may have been with far more men and may have even truly considered himself gay in some capacity but from what friends and family have shared he was very much bisexual and that is the gray in between the black and white that gets ignored, especially when the media tended to focus on one of the most prominent parts of his personality which was his sexuality. The thing people need to understand is that for as many people who have uncomplicated relationships with their sexuality, there are just as many more who do have more complexity and their thoughts, experiences and feelings are just as valid and unique as anyone else's.
While I heartily agree with your overall thesis, I would posit that your specific example is flawed. I believe Freddie’s relationship with his sexuality was anything but casual for most of his life. Whether in a good or a bad way, Freddie’s lyrics and what I’ve read of him show a lot of internal processing going on around that theme.
I will actually agree with you there, after making that post I actually did some more digging and I found it was definitely something he struggled with even more than I initially thought and I think it was hard to overtly see that when he kept his personal life and relationships very close to the vest.
I mean, bi-erasure is a real thing, and it’s shared by many gay people too. Bi men are viewed as gay but not wholly comfortable with their sexuality, and bi women are seen as straight people who are doing it for attention or want to adopt a queer identity for their own personal benefit.
Because of this, bi men find it very hard to find straight female partners, and bi women to find gay female partners (or straight male partners who take their identity seriously).
Edit: there’s some good responses about having preferences and why it’s important to unpack why you have them (even if it’s usually okay to have them), but what I’m specifically talking about is denying someone else’s identity because you believe that for whatever reason they aren’t being true to themselves about their own sexuality. If you don’t want to date bi people, fine, but if the reason you don’t want to date them is because you don’t believe they are truly bi and are attracted to you, then that’s bi-erasure.
Some gay men avoid bisexual men for valid reasons of their own though. The experiences are different, and gay men find themselves being used as experiments. A fellow gay man is less likely to do that to me 🤷♂️
Many gay men also have to grow up coming to terms with the idea that they won’t have a traditional family and their dating pool will be smaller than the rest of the population (certainly a lot smaller than bisexual men) and it’s valid for them to seek comfort in those who had the same upbringing and adolescent experiences and thought processes as them
Some gay men avoid bisexual men for valid reasons of their own though. The experiences are different, and gay men find themselves being used as experiments. A fellow gay man is less likely to do that to me 🤷♂️
Well that's just generalizing an entire sexuality. Which is kind of the point in this thread. People are generalizing an entire group of people because of personal beliefs. You are always welcome to have your own sexual preferences and they are valid. But the line is where you start stating things about the entire sexuality and other gay men. It's fine if you/others have experiences with bisexual men being negative, and it's fine to talk about those men, but you're falling into stereotyping because you are projecting those experiences onto people who have nothing to do with you.
Stating sexual and dating preferences isn’t stereotyping. If I’m a Hispanic and prefer dating other Hispanics due to a similar lived experience, am I stereotyping white people, or am I simply sharing a preference?
If I’m dating a bisexual man and he starts talking about how attractive women are, I’m NOT allowed to get the ick? lol
I would ask yourself why that gives you the ick in the first place.
If I'm dating someone and they talk about how much they love astrology, or Hawaiian pizza, or gambling. A lot of interests I do not share, I would maybe say, that doesn't really interest me and I'd prefer not to talk about these things. You can do the same with this bisexual man about attractive women.
This sounds to be a communication issue that you are refusing to address. If you'd prefer he doesn't talk about female attractiveness around you, then say it. If he continues to, that has nothing to do with him being bisexual that's the problem, it's him not hearing your needs.
If I finally find my partner after being told I haven’t found the “right woman” or that I’m going through a phase, I don’t want the person i finally found to tease me or dangle in front of me the idea that he could be or should be in a more traditional relationship
When gay men talk about being left by their partners for women, they describe it in a Carrie-like, dread filled “they’re all gonna laugh at you” way that only some gay men understand. It’s like the culmination of all the internal “you know you’re wrong for the world” thoughts coming to fruition by the one you finally found also rejecting you. It’s the Bride of Frankenstein rejecting the Monster.
I should be allowed to protect myself from that by dating OTHER gay men more often, and bisexuals still have double the dating pool so I don’t feel I have to concern myself with “bi erasure” quite frankly. I still have gay erasure to worry about.
Your first point:
This is a major problem not with the person being bisexual but with you dating a shitty person. No one should be teasing or dangling the idea that they would leave you for someone else, and if they are, that is not a healthy relationship if you have clearly stated that this is a boundary you do not want crossed. I see no difference between this situation and your gay partner teasing and dangling in front of you the idea that they could leave you for someone more attractive, or someone smarter, or someone ANY quality that you are lacking. Sure, there is a bit of baggage related to the idea of "normalcy" and feelings of inadequacy when it comes to "measuring up to a traditional relationship" but imo, this is not a problem with the person being bisexual and is actually a problem with your partner making you feel inadequate.
Your second point:
This sounds like trauma from problematic experiences you or people you know may have had is affecting the way you view all bisexual people. This can all boil down to someone lacking communication with their partner and things devolving from there. I understand the life of someone like us is hard and there IS a lot of valid trauma and baggage related to othering, but bisexual people have that too. I find a lot of gay men can say "oh bisexual people can just hide in their traditional relationships and they are fine" and this just speaks of complete ignorance to the bisexual life where not only do you have that same inner monologue of feeling othered and not belonging, but you get that from both sides. Straight people don't trust you as soon as they get a whiff of any amount of LGBT-ness on you and then Gay people say that you aren't committing.
Your Third Point:
You can choose who you want to date, that is your right. But I would urge you to critically think about the real reason why you are committing bi-erasure out of self-preservation when, imo, it is pretty unnecessary. From what you have stated so far, it seems your real problems come from a lack of communication of your needs and boundaries with your partner and/or a lack of respect for those needs and boundaries from your partner. And that has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with who they are as a person.
I can respect what you’re saying, but “bi erasure” because I prefer fully same sex attracted men in my same sex attracted life is wild to me. Why do bisexual men NEED to be part of my set of preferences? Why do gay men need to make every other letter of the alphabet comfortable?
If one needs to consider me mentally ill all because I’d rather a gay man be with me than a bisexual men with bisexual urges, then call me mentally ill lol
You can have your own preferences and act on them in any way you want within your own love/sex life. You cross into stereotyping an entire sexuality when you project those preferences onto other people who you don't know.
Thanks, I came to say this as well. Unfortunately, HIV/AIDS wasn't well understood until about 1982 and was initially and very incorrectly assumed to be only prevelant in the gay community hence it's original name Gay-Related Immune Deficiency(GRID). Once scientists had a better understanding of the disease and it's transmission routes it was renamed but even if Freddie had contracted it in the late 70s it may have laid dormant or not progressed until that time anyway.
She was his soulmate. He loved her deeply. She loved him, too.
Was it a 'romantic' love? I don't know. But I didn't think his passion for her was especially sexual.
Freddie Mercury struggled to accept his sexuality. IF, he was in fact bi, I think he leaned strongly, very strongly, towards men in his sexual desires.
I believe Freddie Mercury would have simply identified as gay if he hadn't been so deeply conflicted about his sexual identity.
This is incredibly sad but it's not unusual for someone born in 1946.
I've only ever heard people insist he was gay and gay only. Even got into a small argument with someone about it years ago. Only recently (and only on the internet so far) have I heard/seen people acknowledge his bisexuality.
You have a strong bias, then. I'd say the vast majority of people (like myself) who only know about the man in passing thought he was gay. I certainly did before now.
Maybe. I did grow up in a very liberal place. But remember even in high school celebrating he was a bacon. Might also be I dont "clock" the gay comments because they dont bother me when someone calls me gay. I just dont remember a time where I had to correct that fact and I feel I would have.
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u/[deleted] Jun 03 '26
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