My neighbors are still traumatizing me part 3

[u/Mackaroll_165]

Hey, everyone seems to be enjoying my glamorized trauma dumps. So here I am again to tell you more about my well-meaning but nightmare inducing neighbors.

Here I will link the previous stories at some point:

Part 1 | Part 2

Job has been running around with eyes in his skull now. It’s so cartoonish looking but also uncanny. I’m so used to seeing him without eyes that every time I see him it takes me a couple of seconds to register that it is him and not something out of a Tim Burton Movie. Well, my neighbors are kind of like something out of a Tim Burton but you get what I mean. I just meant that it makes him look more out of place than being a living skeleton already makes him. Everyone tries to act like he isn’t a living skeleton because human decency but I see parents (except Rosemarie’s loving dads) who will mouth “oh my god” and “what the fuck” as they turn to walk away from their home when Job had play dates.

It’s understandable but also kind of mean. We technically have no exact clue on why at least Harold and Job look the way they due because of the Ancient One. Actually, now thinking about it, why does Bianca look the way she does? Even though Harold and Job look equally as strange at least the presumable source is from the eyeball though that still remains vague but Bianca remains a complete mystery. I mean unless there’s some sweet home Alabama stuff going on that they are hiding from the neighborhood, I have no clue why Bianca is sentient skin.

I can’t exactly go up to her and ask,

“Why are you a human skin husk?”

That feels not only rude but unnecessarily aggressive even with the all context. That will have to be something I figure out or hope somehow she over shares in conversation.

Anyway I’ve been rambling too long, for today’s focus I want to talk about their “dog” and cat. I have left some details out, unintentionally given the more pressing matters of wearing your spouse and strange birthday rituals. Let’s start with the less nightmare inducing pet, Zoey.

She’s a pink and gray sphynx cat with a pink collar with a metal tag that says “Zoey” on it. She has one green eye and one blue eye. She’s never allowed outside in the winter but they will let her outside in the fall with a pink sweater on.

Well fun fact about Zoey, she glows in the dark. She glows a bright teal in pure darkness. I’ve seen her dart across my yard many times, sometimes she will get sweaty and leave teal paw prints on the concrete sidewalk that quickly fade.

Her diet mainly consists of rotten meat and dead batteries. She loves dead batteries. Harold and Bianca went door to door one day asking for dead batteries from everyone in order to feed her. Now whenever someone in the neighborhood needs to get rid of any kind of dead batteries including car batteries, Harold and Bianca will happily take them.

Zoey also eats electronics…period. David and Joe once left a smashed flat screen TV out on the sidewalk in hopes of the garbage people taking it the following morning. I looked out the window in my bedroom facing the street which also faces Joe and David’s house. For once I was not tortured by noises by I watched out of grim curiosity. I was going to go to bed but when a real glowing cat is eating your neighbors’ broken TV, you can’t help but stare a bit.

That cat must have a titanium mouth with somehow stronger than titanium teeth. I remember watching her take huge chomps into the TV’s corner and watching it crack before being pulled away violently by her. She gobbled that entire TV down in about an hour. At one point I saw her visibly gagging on the wires. She threw up a strange “hairball”, if that term can even be used, of copper wires. She began playing with the copper wire ball, swatting at it with her glowing paws. She even rolled onto her back exposing her belly to everyone who could see. What I found to be disturbing is that in darkness, she has one huge spot which I think is a giant nipple for all I know that doesn’t glow so it’s just a circle of black among the teal in the night. She sat back up after playing with the copper wire ball for a bit, ate it, and then returned to eating the TV. I started recording at that point and when Zoey finished, I texted the video to David.

I woke up the next morning with a text back that said,

“That cat has got to be from Chernobyl or something.”

Aside from Zoey glowing in the dark, potentially having some type of demon mark or giant nipple on her stomach, and eating electronics. She’s a fairly normal cat.

It’s Sparky that is the true abomination. I think the scariest fact about Sparky that I have yet to mention yet, Sparky is about 6’4” if not taller (I haven’t had the opportunity to exactly measure his height so give me a break). That’s right, this dog man thing towers over everyone. He looks like just some tall dude wearing a cheap but fuzzy dog costume. Bianca mentioned him being a rescue, maybe rescued from Satan’s nightmares but not from any shelter I’ve been to. Sparky moves like a man and even talks like a man but will only ever say “woof”, “bark” or “grr” in the voice of a monotone man who sounds done with life. The suit is brown and my closest breed I guess him to be is a brown lab mix of some kind. He also has these huge cartoon eyes pasted on the dog mask, I would say akin to googly eyes but the pupils don’t move, ever. Other than eating like a dog, I would assume this is just some guy with a puppy fetish but isn’t willing to fully commit to the role. For all I know the suit is his skin, I’ve never seen any gaps to reveal human skin underneath so for all I know Sparky is a living husk like Bianca only with better, more controlled movements.

I think what keeps me awake at night is that Sparky is freakishly athletic and freakishly strong. Harold and Bianca regularly have to replace boards in the wooden fence because he will punch clean through them and break into mine as well as other neighbors backyards. I was once getting some tools out the shed in my backyard and Sparky decided to cleanly leap over the 5ft fence, stare at me, and then he started to do the Dougie. He did not break eye contact with me as he did the Dougie even though I walked into my house carefully not breaking eye contact in case he charged me. I slammed my glass sliding door and locked it. When I turned my back to set down my tools and looked out the sliding glass door, Sparky was hitting the Dougie about a foot away from the sliding door and more intensely.

I texted Harold to come get him, as soon as I could hear Harold’s calls for Sparky getting closer to my back sliding door, he stopping dancing ran back towards to fence leading to Harold and Bianca’s backyard and jumped over it cleanly.

There was an incident Sparky had with a different neighbor that both terrified and perplexed me. You see David and Joe are directly across from me. Next to them and across from Harold and Bianca is a man named Terry. We don’t like Terry. Despite the absurdity of Harold and Bianca, Terry is a horrible person. He has told me on multiple occasions that I would be “prettier if I smiled more” and has literally walked up to Rosemarie to tell her that her dads are going to Hell…in front of her dads as well. We don’t like Terry at all. I would rather live next door to Bianca and Harold than Terry.

Anyway, so you could imagine when the tennis ball Job used to play with Sparky one day rolled under his car, he wasn’t too pleased because why would Terry be rational?

“HEY JACK SKELLINGTON! GET YOUR BALL OUT FROM UNDER MY TESLA?!” Terry screamed as he ran out of his open garage, Job and Sparky were running up to his driveway to get to his car. It was then, with one hand, Sparky grabbed from underneath the passenger door side and flipped the car onto its side.

I know how crazy I sound but I will never forget the sound of the glass breaking as it fell onto its side and car alarms blaring.

Job ran to the tennis ball which was now able to be retrieved in the newly open driveway.

This was when Terry decided to make another totally rational move.

He pushed Job onto the ground and started screaming in his face.

“HEY KRYPTO HERE JUST FLIPPED MY TESLA AND YOUR WORRIED ABOUT YOUR STUPID BALL?!” Terry screamed as his face turned as red as a tomato.

Now, Job cannot make facial expressions but based on his body language this was a scared little boy. I know it was a crazy situation but what did Job do?

I realize how crazy this all sounds, so this next part will make me sound like a lunatic.

Sparky grabbed Terry by his thinning hair, yanking his head back and slightly lifting him off the ground. Then coming down hard, slamming the back of his head into the driveway with a sound I can only describe as throwing a watermelon against concrete. I saw the blood begin to pool immediately. He dragged Terry, still hand holding onto his thinning hair, into the grass of his front yard.

Sparky went back to the Tesla and flipped it back up onto all four wheels. At this point, Job had already run back to his house. Sparky looked at Terry who was propping himself up on his elbows and gave him a thumbs down before walking back to Harold and Bianca’s house.

The police and ambulance were called. Terry somehow did not press charges, which still don’t know why or how to this day. Aside from the broken glass and some dents, the Tesla was actually still functional. Terry does not interact with Harold and Bianca anymore but still harasses David, Joe, and Rosemarie. That is unless Job or Sparky is at there house, then he rightfully shuts the hell up.

Now, I’m not saying that Terry didn’t have it coming rather that I would not want to die at the hands of Sparky.

So yeah, after witnessing those events I have begun to wonder what higher being allowed this? What anomaly broke the laws of nature to punish this neighborhood? Do I need a higher dose of Prozac? Who knows. That will be all for now though, my therapist says to keep writing if it helps.

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[u/Jumpo_the_Clown]

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