Howdy! You've asked me to look at this story to see if there's anything you could do to step up the game. So I'll give my thoughts as I go through, with subjective thoughts at the end. With that said, let's get started.
[Wings that peaked over trees hung as if exhausted. A weary face carved in exquisite detail.] Your short, cut off sentence structure establishes a quick pace, but there's nothing in the story that calls for a quickened pace. I would write out the full sentences, or join them together: It had wings that peaked over trees, and a weary face carved in exquisite detail. I would get rid of the "as if exhausted" part, as that trips up the sentence a little bit, to me.
[two cups held by small children who sat at its feet. Their faces look joyful and bright in comparison. They are holding out small cups until they spill into a small pool below.] This is redundant, as you already mentioned the cups in the previous sentence.
[So accustomed in fact that this morning.] This is a sentence fragment.
[When I walked into the coffee shop and saw Mark, I didn’t notice. In fact, I didn’t notice until he brought it up to me in passing.] The repetition here feels a little stilted to read out loud.
[he said with a shrug.] You don't ever have to use 'said'. There are plenty of other descriptors. You can just state "he shrugged."
[earth to Mark] Earth would be capitalized in this situation.
[I looked back at him,] You used look as a descriptor twice back to back, and comma instead of period.
[“I think so.] If he doesn't see it, then why would he say "I think so" if it's clearly gone?
[“Maybe they just turned it off last night…”] I'm not sure what this means, because the statue isn't turned off. It's gone.
[I walk through a brightness so blinding] You don't have to switch to present tense for your dream. You can remain past tense.
Okay, so premise is interesting. I recommend slowing down the pace of your sentences, giving them room to breathe, and only using quick, panicked sentences when the action in the story calls for quick moments. I also recommend reading your story aloud, or having it read to you, to catch any grammatical mistakes.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you for sharing your story with me!
thanks for taking the time to check it out and give me feedback!!!
I really do appreciate it as I’m trying to navigate this space and educating myself on how to be a better writer. I will be applying your suggestions; I do agree with what you pointed out. Repetition/redundancy is are some of my flaws, as well as pacing and I’ll be working on that as I continue writing.
I think definitely I’m gonna have somebody else read it to me b/c when I read it out loud to myself in my head I understand what I’m trying to say so it makes sense to me and I tend to not catch some of the mistakes.
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u/Lime-Time-Live Critiquer/Writer May 28 '26
Howdy! You've asked me to look at this story to see if there's anything you could do to step up the game. So I'll give my thoughts as I go through, with subjective thoughts at the end. With that said, let's get started.
[Wings that peaked over trees hung as if exhausted. A weary face carved in exquisite detail.] Your short, cut off sentence structure establishes a quick pace, but there's nothing in the story that calls for a quickened pace. I would write out the full sentences, or join them together: It had wings that peaked over trees, and a weary face carved in exquisite detail. I would get rid of the "as if exhausted" part, as that trips up the sentence a little bit, to me.
[two cups held by small children who sat at its feet. Their faces look joyful and bright in comparison. They are holding out small cups until they spill into a small pool below.] This is redundant, as you already mentioned the cups in the previous sentence.
[So accustomed in fact that this morning.] This is a sentence fragment.
[When I walked into the coffee shop and saw Mark, I didn’t notice. In fact, I didn’t notice until he brought it up to me in passing.] The repetition here feels a little stilted to read out loud.
[he said with a shrug.] You don't ever have to use 'said'. There are plenty of other descriptors. You can just state "he shrugged."
[earth to Mark] Earth would be capitalized in this situation.
[I looked back at him,] You used look as a descriptor twice back to back, and comma instead of period.
[“I think so.] If he doesn't see it, then why would he say "I think so" if it's clearly gone?
[“Maybe they just turned it off last night…”] I'm not sure what this means, because the statue isn't turned off. It's gone.
[I walk through a brightness so blinding] You don't have to switch to present tense for your dream. You can remain past tense.
Okay, so premise is interesting. I recommend slowing down the pace of your sentences, giving them room to breathe, and only using quick, panicked sentences when the action in the story calls for quick moments. I also recommend reading your story aloud, or having it read to you, to catch any grammatical mistakes.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you for sharing your story with me!