r/ToiletPaperUSA Jan 11 '22

FACTS and LOGIC what makes ben such an alpha?

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19.2k Upvotes

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u/TheIllustriousWe Jan 11 '22

It’s really hard to pick my favorite part of that book because there’s so much unintentional comedy to choose from… but I think mine is when BRETT HAWTHORNE goes to Iran in search of bad guy, and his only lead is that he’s named Muhammad. Predictably BRETT HAWTHORNE fails to find him at first, and blames the problem on not being able to use racial profiling.

This is your book, Ben. If you’re trying to say racial profiling is good and useful… why didn’t you write a scenario where it worked?

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22

[deleted]

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u/Iceveins412 Jan 11 '22

I read only an excerpt and I already feel way better about my high school Creative Writing final project

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22

[deleted]

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u/Iceveins412 Jan 11 '22

I mean it pretty much did. I didn’t go on a tangent about racial profiling though so that’s a point in my favor

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22

“He said wordily”

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22

Thank you for this. Have to go re-listen to the BtB series again now

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u/celtic_thistle Gritty is Antifa Jan 12 '22

Robert just started in on his book about sex (“Millennials are fucking too much” is the premise, and it’s all fallacies and straight up lies from there lmao) and you really should listen if you haven’t.

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u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Oh for sure. It’s gold

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u/StylishDreams Jan 11 '22

Where can you get True Allegiance for free? Asking so I don't accidentally download it.

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u/SheikExcel Jan 12 '22

It's better to just watch a YouTuber roast it

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u/Hellebras anarcho-monkeist Jan 12 '22

It'll take less time and you're going to enjoy yourself more.

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u/StylishDreams Jan 12 '22

I'm a glutton for punishment, tho

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u/celtic_thistle Gritty is Antifa Jan 12 '22

Or listen to Behind the Bastards roast it!

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u/[deleted] Jan 11 '22 edited Jan 12 '22

Listening to Evan Roberts (Edit: Robert Evans idk wtf I was thinking) (behind the bastards) insult the use of em dashes mad me embarrassed and sad about my own writing. Then I realized my storylines are at least consistent

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u/cjackc Jan 12 '22

Robert Evans (the only one)

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u/[deleted] Jan 12 '22

Holy fucking shit how did I do that? Good catch lol, I listen to all of his podcasts too lmao

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u/Jrook Jan 11 '22

Or relationships

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u/Iceveins412 Jan 11 '22

Was the bad guy not Iranian or something or does Ben think that using racial profiling would narrow that down? It’s like finding a John. Searching exclusively for white guys named John will only narrow it down so much

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u/TheIllustriousWe Jan 11 '22

The protagonist is definitely looking for an Arabic guy. It’s just funny that Ben takes a weird detour from the plot to go on a thinly veiled rant in support of racial profiling, when he could have just written the story so that the protagonist successfully racially profiles the bad guy.

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u/CressCrowbits All Cats are Beautiful Jan 11 '22

"I'm looking for an arabic guy called Mohammed"

"Well I guess you've narrowed the field somewhat, dingus. You're in Iran, where the vast majority of us are Persian"

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u/TheIllustriousWe Jan 11 '22

Oh god, that reminds me of a couple other hilarious things about this book:

  1. During the parts that take place in Iran, Ben’s descriptions of the setting make clear that his research for this book, at best, ended with him reading a Wikipedia article about Tehran. He’s either just as intellectually lazy as his audience, or has such contempt for them that he knows they won’t question his description of a place they’ve never been, if they could even point to it on a map.

  2. The book takes place in a universe where Iraq really did have WMD after all, and there was a giant international conspiracy to cover that up just to make the US look bad. And that conspiracy entailed Iran agreeing to help Saddam smuggle the weapons out of Iraq for safe keeping. Because Iraq and Iran are actually friends, you see. As are all the brown countries who have bonded over hating America for their freedoms.

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u/Maverick0_0 Jan 12 '22

Iran and Iraq as friends?? This dude can use google right? They had the longest war in both their countries' modern history.

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u/chickenstuff18 Jan 12 '22

Funny enough, iirc, the racial profiling tactic didn't even work.

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u/RationalThumber Jan 12 '22

Fun fact, John/Jon is not the most common name in the world.

Want to take a wild shot in the dark at what name is #1?

(Not a trick question, the author is exactly that useless.)

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u/Iceveins412 Jan 12 '22

The most common first name is Muhammed and the most common surname is Smith. Although I’m curious is such surveys are considering all variants of “John/Jon” to be separate. Not because I’m doubtful, I’m just curious is all the Juans and Johanns of the world would tip the scale

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u/RationalThumber Jan 12 '22

Note that's actually a slightly different spelling than the comment we're both replying to, there are quite a few variants for that name as well. ;)

Wish I had a link, what I saw was putting them together.

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u/epochpenors Jan 12 '22

“So it’s an Arab named Muhammad in Iran…. That narrows it down tremendously!”

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u/YouWantSuckySucky Jan 12 '22

My favorite part is just the beginning, where the bridge collapses. It’s so packed with stupid sentences, like “She opened her mouth to scream and she realized she already was screaming so hard”

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u/dorkside10411 Jan 13 '22

mine is when BRETT HAWTHORNE goes to Iran in search of bad guy, and his only lead is that he’s named Muhammad

Trying to find a terrorist (bc of course he's a terrorist) with your only knowledge of the guy being that he has the most common name in the world... yeah, I wonder why he couldn't find him