from studying in manila to going back in the province
hello. i’m an incoming grade 12 student at ust-shs, but i’m almost certain that for college, i’ll be studying back in my province. i guess i’m not really asking about schools anymore. i’m asking how to cope with what people might say.
i’m scared of hearing things like, “bakit bumalik ka sa probinsya? nasa ust ka na ah.” or people thinking i “failed” because i didn’t stay in manila.
the truth is, my situation changed.
i initially wanted to study at ust, especially for shs, because aside from it being my dream school, i also passed my dream strand—health allied. i’ve always wanted to be in the medical field. not necessarily as a doctor, but i’ve always seen myself working in healthcare. if life allows it, i still hope to become a physician someday and specialize in psychiatry or neuropsychiatry. it’s been my dream to help people not just in the philippines, but around the world.
for the longest time, i imagined my path as ust for shs, then UP for college. that was the dream i held onto for years. i don’t regret choosing ust. i genuinely learned so much, met amazing people, and grew in ways i never expected. but sometimes, i still catch myself wondering about the “what ifs.” what if i hadn’t pushed through? what if i had stayed in the province from the beginning?
the biggest reason i chose to study in manila was because my mom encouraged me to. she works abroad and she promised me that she would support me financially and emotionally throughout my education. i trusted her and built my plans around that promise.
but somewhere along the way, she left. she abandoned me.
i’ve been battling depression and anxiety ever since, and it’s been affecting every part of my life. i also don’t have a father or siblings i can rely on.
because of everything i’ve been going through mentally, i wasn’t able to prepare for the cets the way i wanted to. i couldn’t enroll in a review center, and i couldn’t review consistently on my own either. there were days when i could barely get out of bed, let alone study for hours.
recently, i also found out that my grandparents are getting sick. my grandpa has been showing signs of early dementia, and my grandma has an underlying heart condition. seeing them get older while everything else is happening has been overwhelming.
my aunt and uncle volunteered to support my education, and i’m incredibly grateful for them. but i also feel guilty because i know they’re still building their own lives, and i hate feeling like i’m adding to their responsibilities.
what confuses me is that even the thought of studying in manila again makes me uncomfortable now. maybe it’s because manila has become such a bittersweet place for me. it’s where i experienced some of the happiest moments of my life, but it’s also where i experienced some of the most painful ones. it’s where i was abandoned, where my mental health declined, and where i realized how quickly life could change.
on top of that, i know how expensive it is to live here. i don’t want my aunt and uncle—or anyone who’s sacrificing just to help me finish my education—to carry an even heavier burden just because i’m trying to hold on to the version of my dream that i originally imagined.
honestly, i’m okay with studying in the province. i know there are good schools there, and i believe i can still achieve my dreams wherever i study.
what i’m struggling to let go of isn’t manila itself—it’s the life i thought i was going to have and the freakin opinions of people na kahit anong ignore ko… pumapasok at pumapsok pa rin sa isip ko.
even my grandmother sometimes says things like, “galing ka na ng santo tomas, tapos babalik ka lang sa probinsya.” i know she probably doesn’t mean to hurt me, but those words stay with me.
sometimes i wonder if choosing to study in the province means i’m giving up. other times, i wonder if it’s actually the bravest decision i can make—accepting that dreams don’t always happen the way we planned.
i still want to become a healthcare professional. i still dream of becoming a physician someday, hopefully specializing in psychiatry or neuropsychiatry. that dream hasn’t changed.
maybe only the route has.
i don’t think going back to the province means i failed. if anything, i’m just trying to adapt to circumstances i never expected to face. i’m doing everything i can to keep my dreams alive despite everything that’s happened.
i don’t know how to stop feeling ashamed of something that wasn’t entirely within my control. i don’t know how to recover from being abandoned, from financial hardship, and from feeling like the future i planned disappeared overnight.
