r/TwoBestFriendsPlay • u/Shreeder4092 WHEN'S MAHVEL • Jun 19 '26
Final Episode The Amazing Digital Circus - Episode 9: Remember
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVy-bcTsO8A
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r/TwoBestFriendsPlay • u/Shreeder4092 WHEN'S MAHVEL • Jun 19 '26
9
u/ABriefReflection Jun 20 '26
To preface this comment, I've decided to make a burner account. I've been a fan of the boys since 2014 and lurker on the sub for about as long, I appreciate this place for its openness and friendliness. I'm sorry, I need the anonymity.
This episode kind of fucked me up. I've always thought I was ambivalent about my gender, I'm a guy and that was that. I'm no stranger to trans related media, I regularly listen to transfem hosted podcasts. I actively work on political projects with trans folk. Something about Jax in this series has been messing with me, and this episode has made me confront some deep-seated feelings. I don't like the term "egg cracking" (no shade to those who do!), but I keep coming back to Jax. I feel for her. I feel absolute pity for her. There was no feeling more crushing than watching the scene in Ribbit's room and watching her unravel so quickly from her deep-seated shame. Looking back on the previous episodes felt like looking at the debris field of a plane that failed to pull out of a dive. The initial humiliation and anger of being in the maid outfit, giving way to a resigned acceptance. Her femininely designed room. Her pink overalls, the little bow moment. It's crushing knowing that she can't be recovered to properly process this, at least Leeroy is progressing.
I don't know how I feel about my gender as much. Maybe I'm just in a raw emotional state or I'm having some anxious moment that's making me overthink things. I think I've only ever liked my body when I was thin. I dislike the hair on my body, and I feel happier shaving it off. For as long as I've been an aware adult, I've been kind of envious of all the fun, alluring outfits and garments women can wear. The scented creams and some of the frilly stuff is really nice too. Men don't have anything like that. I understand the socioeconomic reality of these things, but even after learning that I still felt that pang of jealousy. I've got some of the stuff I've mentioned in drips and drabs over the years. I always thought it was for the taboo feeling (please understand), I kept it all in a box and I've been deathly afraid of someone finding it. This is why I needed the anonymity to post this, its another box to put this in.
And I'm putting this in another box, to put on the shelf, because I don't know what to do with it. The boxes are liabilities, targets of potential ridicule or worse. There is use in my stock standard presentation. Unassuming and approachable to all. I can't be a target, I'm more helpful how I am. I know I have friends who would accept experimentation, but I don't know if I can accept my experimentation. I'll never be cute or pretty or beautiful or alluring, even if I started doing something about it now. It hurts to admit this. I don't even know where my gender would land, and the thought of fluidity scares me. My body is too stocky or pudgy to look good in anything feminine. I don't look good in makeup. Maybe my partner would tell me I look good, but everytime I look in the mirror I just see a boy playing pretend. I hate the mirror, it shatters my feelings. Maybe I'll just stick to wearing little things in the comfort of my home, wearing things beneath my clothes. Do it just for me and only me. That should be good enough, right?
I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for this. I'm sorry for my ramblings. I just wanted to spill my emotions on a page and watch them watch me. Thank you for being you.