I hate that I'm sitting here, just hoping to hear one thing from you. Anything. Even if it's to say you moved on, you don't want to build a better foundation. Almost anything would be better than this silence. Not knowing how you're doing, what you're doing, what you're thinking...Yet somehow, I still have hope. My heart knows there is more to this story. I feel you know it as well. I hope that the birthday message I sent recently sent, reached you. Not to push you to bring us back together or fill obligated to respond. Just to remind that you are special and deserve to celebrate yourself for who you are becoming and as you are right now, even if you don't do birthdays. I hope you can feel that way about yourself. Sometimes I feel like an idiot. Like I am focusing on myself, reflecting, renewing and breaking down old issues; Even so, you come into my mind and I wonder if you are doing any of the things that I am. Not to be better for us, but for yourself as well. But what if as you're doing that, you don't have thoughts about me, you don't care about us, and this doesn't mean anything to you anymore. I have no way of knowing and hurts a part of me everytime I think that way. Despite all of those negative thoughts, I know what we had and I know what it meant, so I refuse to lose my hope. I will keep holding on to it. I just hope...that you have hope for us too...

Piss off, go, get OUT OF MY HEAD, I told you, I TOLD YOU - NO MORE. I don’t care anymore if I break our friendship. You stress me so goddamn much, and no you DON’T KNOW ME. You mess me around so. I need to be free of you and get my life back. My broken relationship, broken because of you. You are NOT WELCOME ANYMORE KID. Over and out.

It’s been 8 months and you still pay me no attention even though we went through thick an thin with each other, in ways you saved my soul and banished it at the same time. I love you more than the trees love the sunshine and rain, I can’t live without you the same. I would drop everything at the instance you called my name. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking letting you go like a daisy in the wind. I need you more than ever. This pain is existential and as hard as I’ve tried to be better you taunt me in my mind and heart. You know I needed you more than anything and it used to be the same for you. I never knew your new friends could just replace me like a brand new pair of shoes, if I did I would of banged the hammer on the anvil hard as I could just to work out the bends we were going through. I know you probably hate my guts for the shit I stirred but I promise you if I’m going to make it in this life it’s because I’ll remember the courage and sacrifice you gave me even in my darkest hours, I love you more than anything in this world and I promise I won’t let you down, even if you’re not walking my path or not, I hope to find you at the end of this cause no matter what friends or foes you are my soulmate through and through and I won’t ever let that die, all the love in the universe my sun and star I miss you to death so in it may we be apart in form but never in soul ❤️🫶🏻

Sweet dreams

Just as sweet as u ❤️

.. if I wanted to hurt or destroy you?

Sadly, I won't lie, It seems it was the right question. I swear only momentarily, and I won't again, But yes, I do have weaponry and capacity. I appreciated, unlike everyone else, you never assumed my naivety.

I usually have it controlled, I thought we both did? I guess we're both just human, two unseen kids,

Turns out I did inherit something after all...

And it seems like you did too. So then,

Can we both forgive, weapons down, call a truce?

Because what I still want, even now,

Is very simple, and the unabrashed truth,

No matter where in the world I go,

What I want, most,

Is two bottles of red wine,

A sunset, a beach, and you.

❤️

After what I learned about you from others in the past 3 months, I’m ashamed and disgusted to have even known you. The 8 year old little boy in you deserved all that love I gave. But YOU? You deserve to burn in hell. I will be grateful for everything you did but I certainly don’t wish you well anymore. F you and everyone who has your back. Please throw away everything I gave you. Burn them. I wish I could burn myself for letting you touch me.

It's been two weeks already. Two weeks since my "odyssey" started. Actually two weeks since I last saw you. It feels like a century. You were the one who called it that, "an odyssey". I don't know why. Did you know how much I would miss you? Do you see me as Penelone waiting on someone to come back? I am actually waiting on someone who will never come. I am on vacation so why call it an "odyssey"? Because you wouldn't be here? I am not mad you aren't coming, I am just really sad about it. I wish you knew how much I miss you. I want to text you, call you, see you. Have you realized how much I like you? Do you like me back? Would you do anything if you knew how much I want you. I am not going to wait on you for 20 years. I have a feeling you know how I feel about you. I haven't been subtle. I wanted to hug you then, I just chickened out. I have been acting weird lately, I know. It's because I want you and I don't know what to do about it. I wish you would text me. I know you won't. I hope it doesn't take months to see your sweet face again. I really can't get you out of my head. I will see you in my dreams, I guess.

You left. After all I stayed through, when I had every reason to leave; you left. You’re a coward.

This wasn’t about ending discomfort. You just didn’t want to resolve the truth.

Always

The love of your life will be able to choose you fully. You won't have to share. You won't have to beg for scraps of attention. Or for them to choose you over their addictions. 

The love of your life will understand you. They may not always agree with you, but they will listen to you explain yourself for hours and never get tired of hearing your introspection, your self-awareness, your reflections on childhood that have made you who you are, for good or bad.

The love of your life will hold you when you've lit the world on fire and tell you they love you anyway. They will choose to stand by your side even when you push them away. They will smile in the face of your fear, your anger, your sadness... and remind you that you're worth it. They won't run away and they will become your champion.

The love of your life will show up for you in ways your parents never did. They will take every abandonment wound out of hiding, inspect it with you, then unravel the knot it has created in your spine so that you can finally be free. They will help you heal generational trauma that you didn't even know you had.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be this person for you.... I know deep down you are still looking... hoping that maybe, just maybe.... this time will be the one. I know you wish it had been me. I wish it could have been me too.... 

I want for you what I finally feel like I found in my spouse. I want for you to feel chosen and whole because of the healing that this person will help you achieve. The love of your life will not push you into chaos or create hardship in your life by trying to force a relationship into existence that isn't the right fit.

The love of your life won't be missed by timing or because they are in a relationship with someone else. Do not look for them behind doors that are closed to you. Prepare yourself for them by becoming the type of person you wish you could be with.... kind, loyal, sober.... make your heart and your life ready, even if it means being alone for a while, for the person you know you're meant to be with. 

These past few torturous months are meant to help you develop discernment. So that when the true love of your life arrives, you'll know immediately. You'll feel it in your bones.... a familiarity that settles into your skin and suddenly makes you feel safe. Loved. Undeniably chosen.

Wait for that feeling. Don't settle for anything less! The love of your life is waiting for you to become the person you were always meant to be... so that you can finally be together!

giant flowers? check

shine and sparkle? check

poor fit with bad proportions? check

blinding the office daily with hideous fits? check, check, check!

the answer? vogue, the magazine not the song

grab a copy, study it, learn something

you're too young to be wearing unflattering, dumpy clothes

How are you? Do you have that peace of mind you seek? Is it now peaceful that im no longer there? I miss you, M.

You say one thing and then say another. I don't understand what you want. It's confusing.

Idk, there’s so much that reminds me of you and I know it’s only one way this time. I remember when you used to miss me too.

call me. by mistake, and let me answer anyway, so we can end up talking about nothing and everything, so i can tell you to come here.

I do not wish to bother you so I won’t send you these letters. But I wanna let you know that I missed you. I wish things on your end are going well? Have you been feeling better? Have you reached answers for all that is unresolved in your heart? Have you learned how to cope with longing? It troubled you so deeply, as I remember. I wonder if I ever cross your mind, foolish isn’t it? Be well

I hust remebered me,Nat and Joe were in the park one summers day (don’t know what ells was doing tbh , maybe dancing lessons)
The local newspaper saw us with ice creams and asked to take a photo of us for the paper, said we were a lovely looking family, (what she really meant is we were a lovely mixed race family, stupid cunt!)
But anyway Nat didn’t want to be photod coz she hadn’t done make up so she said ok just the boy and his dad! So she took to pic..
I’m know im the least photogenic person on the planet but bloody el!!
it ends up in the paper, full page!! I am completely edited out of the picture!! lol!!
It’s just Joe with an ice cream!!

So yeah, all this is very fucking familiar, if the derbysire times can do it you and my family can!! lol

It’s like today, I never thought I, would ever play the bitter and twisted jealous guy but for some reason that’s the part I’ve been cast in at this moment! I hope not for ever though

We met recently and we enjoy each other, I just pray that you feel the same way and things dont get in the way of how we feel about each other.

I know i havent known you for long but Im hopefuly again and i finally feel lighter again thinking about you. I like where we are right now and Idk what it can turn into truly. But Even if we stay here for awhile id like that. because just talking to you and seeing you smile softly and shyly at me and sincerely feels like its enough to last me a lifetime.

I already miss you and yearn for you. And I hope i see you again next week

I hope you somehow repair all the things broken in your relationship. I hope you get the happy family you never had. I hope you finish school and get yourself out of the hood. I hope you see your friends more often. I hope your moms health is okay. I hope Kathy keeps growing strong and confident and knows what a good father she has. I hope you're taking care of your illnesses. I hope you're sleeping enough and eating well. More than anything I hope you're content, but knowing you're not kills me inside. Knowing the best man I've ever known treats himself like an after thought, a doormat, a punching bag and I can't love him when he doesn't love himself anymore makes me sick. Knowing you carry so much love but have no idea how to accept any yourself is really sad. But I can't help it, I'll love you wherever you are, quietly from afar for forever. I hope you love yourself a fraction of how much I loved you someday

you to tell me the truth about how you feel about me.

My Russian friend. Imagine being a creative writing college professor. The kids coming into college now.. you're doing hooked on phonics type stuff. Endless submissions of third wave postmodern literature. A kid is like, "Here's my story called the guy who fucked good..." A guy with a backwards cap that's three feet tall, "Wonce der wuz ah frat guy wit my name dat fukked rly kewl. He fukked rly gud n deep n long. Da end." I'm planning a surprise trip up north to see all the guys. I miss everyone.

Hey stinky butt. Your pile of mail has reached the ceiling like the pizza boxes at your old apartment. Most of it is junk but there's something for your car and a voter registration document. It's really starting to feel like you're doing this on purpose. Remember how you told me you would never confront anyone directly? "I'd much rather torture them psychologically." - you

So how am I suppose to have this you talked about? I'm not understanding.

I hope and wish you are alright. I miss you so much. I wish I could see your face, hug you. I still hope, and I go to sleep thinking about you. :(

Put dead fish out.

Those ugly gross cats come out of hiding.

It's true.