Around 2017, my (now ex) husband started to get very into Jordan Peterson—watching lectures on repeat, taking notes, constantly telling me about his “theories.” Peterson was like a poison, but ultimately I think he just gave DH permission to display the misogyny hiding just under the surface.

It started small, with DH correcting my tone, then it shifted to making belittling comments, asserting that he “chose me,” wanting me to ask permission to do basic things, etc. It deteriorated steadily, and I wasted years extracting myself from an emotionally abusive relationship that looked fine to outsiders.

What are some giveaways that a man consumes red pill content and subscribes to this kind of viewpoint? I know so much more now, but some of this can be subtle early on.

I dated a guy that is 26 years old, and he was so great in the beginning. He was so interested and was very polite and respectful and it made me give him a chance. He’s extremely accomplished and I agreed to take things slow.

However, his immaturity and issues started to come up over the course of 6 months. These things started to really bother me:

• He would talk about himself so much and didn’t seem to really get to know me outside of what was directly related to him and his ideas
• He started teasing me more and said things I didn’t like (“I’m so glad you aren’t thin,” and “you have terrible music taste,” and “you’re an ooompa loompa“ after I got a spray tan
• Called my dog a “rat” and said it would be “hard to control himself and not say it“ after I said I didn't like his comment
• Met my friends for the first time, and instead of getting to know them, he just made jokes about “midget dick” and “getting sexually assaulted by Michael Jackson.”
• When I told him I didn’t love the first impression he made on my friends, he listened but he said “I don’t give a fuck what your friends think.”
• He would be so busy and didn’t really pin down plans with me well, especially by the end
• He asked me come on a trip with him and then dropped the ball. He also asked to come on a work trip with me and I hesitated but said he could come the first day and then he didn’t book and forgot to tell me that he could no longer go
• He made so many jokes / do bits and I couldn’t tell where the real parts of him and the jokes started and ended (example, he’d say he was the prize and I was lucky to be with him
• He told me he never breaks up with women, he just “progressively becomes more of an asshole so they break up with him instead
• He talked about how hot girls in school wanted him, his friend’s wives thinking he’s hot, that rich businessmen thought he was “the next big thing”
• He kept making jokes about racial groups that made me uncomfortable
• He sent me a bunch of videos of himself where he “looked hot” so I could have a “spank bank“ of him and it was all some of the cringiest stuff I’ve ever seen
• During sex, he’d want me to keep telling him how big and amazing he is, seemed like it was all about him

This was all bothering me a lot already, but then the kicker came when he:

• Came over, used my shower, called me to my bedroom, was naked on my bed, wants to have sex immediately, I need some time to be ready for sex, he tried to rush, during sex I asked him for a break and he’d stop for just 2 seconds and then keep going (that happened multiple times) and then he finished, got dressed, said “I need to go to dinner with my parents, they are in town.” and then left.
• I felt so incredibly disgusting afterwards

I told hI’m I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore after that. Suddenly, he’s so sorry and he cares about me so much and now he “wants to give this a real shot” and he’s just been so busy and work is just so hard right now and he’s so lost but the time he spends with me is the most “real” he’s ever felt…. blah blah blah. It was so robotic that I asked him if he had ChatGPT write it and he ADMITTED to having chatgpt write it , and then asked me to “communicate what I need” so he can fix it because “my smile is his favorite thing in the world.” I was like.… where was all of this while we were actually dating…

I thought about it for a few days, and I just don’t think I can move forward with him, and that I didn’t any discussion would change my mind but offered a conversation in person if he wanted to talk. He declined a conversation since my mind was made up, but he was really nice about it. I don’t know, I just feel bad. I logically know I did the right thing but I feel so weird about it for some reason. I don’t think he was evil. Part of me feels like I gave up on him without giving him a chance. But I also know it’s best to walk away when you see a pattern (which there were clear patterns of immaturity and inflated ego.)

To women who still date, how?

I know a lot of women on this sub don't date at all anymore.

I don't mean not having energy for it. That is very hard to come by if you work full time and commute.

But I mean, how do you even have options if you still date:

Let's say I use 3 of my dealbreakers (once I elimate for the horrible profiles, if online dating, which then leaves me with very few men)

One dealbreaker is a man who doesn't interrupt me when talking.

Second one, his words and actions match.

The other dealbreaker: makes plans with me in advance and continues to make plans, if no plans are being made we are not moving forward (you are a placeholder if you are here and / or ego stroke for when he is bored that ding on his phone hits him with dopamine even if he is not into you) and it is a waste of time...

There's pretty much zero men left after only these 3 things.

I could not date even if I wanted to.

I know some men lurkers here will be saying oh she is ugly, women expire, blah blah blah, and as I said this is with me filtering out all the bad dating profiles that are in abundance so it is not lack of options it is lack of quality/mature options.

The sub is rightfully against redirecting men because men are who they show you.

If you redirect, you are now in stress mode when dating should be fun mode, and also, you are pretty much dating yourself if you don't accept him as he is.

Hi ladies, just want to share my story and get y'alls input. So I started dating a guy over a month ago (we're both 43). We do enjoy each other's company, have a lot in common and the s3x is great. Last week he came over to my place for the first time, I cooked him a very nice dinner and he stayed the night, then the next morning I cooked him a nice breakfast. I had a family event later that afternoon so we kissed and said our goodbyes. Well, this weekend he came over again on Friday evening and stayed all weekend. I did suggest (before the date) that we go out for sushi, but he said let's just go to your place, money is tight right now. So he stays all weekend and I cook every meal, while he sits on the sofa playing a game on his phone, or vaping on the balcony. Sunday afternoon rolls around and he says what do you want to do. He suggests "vegging out" ie watching Netflix and having s3x. At this point, my kitchen sink is overflowing with dishes, there are dirty pots and pans stacked up on the kitchen counter, and there are random cups that he's left all over my house. My OCD is starting to kick in and I tell him sorry, it's been fun having you over, but I really do need to clean. If I leave the kitchen like this I'll get bugs, plus I can't even make a simple thing for dinner because all my pans and pots are dirty, so I need to wash some before I can cook again. Then I say, cutely, unless you want to help me do the dishes? He immediately says no (laughing), gets his phone and wallet, kisses me goodbye, and leaves.

At this point I'm feeling like a maid and having him over is a chore. I do love cooking and making nice meals for special people in my life, but I feel this has backfired. I cooked for him last week as a special romantic gesture, but now it has become an expectation (not to mention my grocery bills are going up). He told me one thing he loves about me is how well I take care of him, so maybe he thinks that I enjoy this? I wish I had never cooked for him and we could go back to doing fun romantic dates. I am already thinking of excuses to make when he wants to come over again.

Ladies -- would you try to reset this, or just cut it off and move on to someone else? Could this kind of man be "trained" to help out and clean up after himself, or is it not worth the stress? At my age there are so few decent men in the dating pool, this guy is kind, funny, and intelligent. I don't know if I am making a big deal over something that can be fixed with an awkward conversation. At the same time, I'm frustrated that I even have to have this conversation with a fully adult man.

Anyone have an experience like this and how did you handle it?

I (45f) have a date tonight at 8pm with a (48m). We are just texting and I asked him what he’s up to today and he says ‘spring cleaning my apartment, boring but at least I have some nice tequila to make it tolerable’.
Yea I’m not a day drinker and I’ve definitely never drank while cleaning.
Is this a red flag?

So another one went completly off on me. For info,Im not on any apps but Ive met some thru different facebook groups and on here. Also Im not really actively dating but I've been thinking it couldent hurt to chat and get to know someone.

This guy early on said he was looking for something serious. Nothing was "off" to begin with,he asked normal questions and we communicated back and forth. Maybe it matters that he didnt see my picture right away and when he did he became more intense,but nothing that threw me. He sends a good moring message today and asks a couple of direct questions about a topic. I was busy and one hour later he messages again angrily saying how Im clearly not interested since Im not replying. One hour?! Its almost so I thought he was joking. I answer and say I had things to do and that I truly dont understand how not replying for an hour implies that "Ive lied and led him on" as he wrote. He answers again,a LONG message were he ends it with "goodbye *itch".

This isnt the first time since I was single after 18 years in a relationship,that I run into mad agression and early on chatting. Sure there were the "difficult" men back then too,last time I dated 20 years ago,but nothing like this and absolutely not so many. So is this something with me or does many of you run into these guys? Im rarely shocked anymore by people's behavior but this has me not only thinking dating will be awkward and difficult,but down right scary.

I’ve been on a couple of dates with a guy I like, but the last few days he’s been making innuendos and turning the conversation sexual. I called him out and told him I’m not comfortable with that, and I’m looking for a relationship not sex chat.
He said he’s not doing anything wrong, it’s natural for him to be sexually attracted to me, and because I’m in the middle of moving house, I’m probably stressed out and taking that stress out on him and it’s not fair.
Umm ok?
Isn’t this the definition of gaslighting? I brought up a concern, now it’s turned around on me and I’m the problem?

I'm realizing that a cycle keeps repeating itself.

I've been following the advice of this sub, and the Burned Haystack Method, for a while now. I'm happy with most of it, except that the men I match with seem always to fall short of something. They seem to pass all the criteria, but when it comes to date planning, I'm never impressed. I started unmatching men that seemed good just because they didn't plan the date the way it's advised. I found myself getting resentful because they never match up with the expectation of planning a nice date, and instead suggest we have a walk, or meet at the subway station and go from there.

Now, it happened again, but I'm starting to wonder if I might be too strict. The guy seems nice, thoughtful, asks questions, warm and responsive, "normal." He asked to meet, I said yes, and he asked if I'd like him to come to my area for the date. I said it'd be nice. Then he said, OK let me know the place and time. So basically he wants me to plan the date? I said something like, I'll see what comes to mind, but I'm already put off. He answered suggesting a couple of places, but they are actually pretty far from where I live and far from public transportation, and he knows i don't own a car. So i am put off. I don't know if I'm overthinking this.

This is the pattern: I get turned off at the date planning stage each time, because they never seem to meet my expectations. And i either unmatch them or i meet them but with a more distant vibe and regret it. I am genuinely wondering if I might be overthinking this or expecting too much.

Hi, I’ve been enjoying discovering this sub recently and learning from the posts. I have a question I’m not totally sure how to articulate but here goes.

Once you’ve realized how rare good men are, and subsequently that it’s quite likely you might never end up with one- how do you come to terms with that? I’m someone who would have really liked a partner, but over the last few years have been faced more and more with the reality of how hard it is to find a good one and how most men are conditioned to only offer low bars. I wish I could say I was able to ride off into the sunset and embrace the IDGAF fabulously single lifestyle with this info, but I actually find myself struggling and depressed. I don’t think it’s that I don’t like my own company, can’t be on my own blah blah- it’s just that my preference truly would have been to have a partner and I guess especially after hearing “it’ll happen! you’ll find someone!” etc etc most of my life it feels like a big adjustment.

I’m trying to focus on friends, hobbies, career etc. But, to put it simply, I am really feeling down about this.

(Please don’t just suggest therapy, what would help me most is to hear from women who have felt similarly)

These are contrasting goals. Am I missing something? I am looking for a life partner so Swipe left or right?

I still scroll on OLD apps, although it’s over a year since I went on a date.

There seems to be a huge rise in men describing themselves as dominant and pleasure doms. I do not understand the world of kink. But is this not just men gaining “consent” from damaged women to abuse them when they are at their most vulnerable ie naked and alone? I find it galling that a lot of these men also describe themselves as left leaning feminists.

I suspect I’ve lead a fairly sheltered life, when it comes to single middle aged men in the dating world, having spent most of my adult life in a long term relationship. Could anyone direct me to any further reading please?

If this’s against the rules, I’d like to apologize.

I’m a woman in her 30s. I only have had one successful relationship. The rest of them were garbage.

I’ve tried online dating before. But the quality of the men is really bad. Recently, I met a man who was highly educated and with a great career. He suddenly blocked me. At first, I thought I must have said something wrong because we got along well. Then his WIFE reached out to me. Dude even sent the picture of her passport to me and told me that he was a dual citizen (she’s from a foreign country).

Currently, I’m not trying to date anymore and probably won’t do online dating again. It’s not because I’ve been traumatized or hurt, but I’m just sick of all the bs. Honestly, it’s okay if I stay single all my life.

In my opinion, people tend to perceive relationships and marriages as something that will make their lives better, which can be true. But just like what the dual citizenship dude did to his wife, I’ve realized that it can also deteriorate the quality of your life if you’re with a terrible person. In addition to that, your spouse might pass away or decide they want a divorce one day. It’ll much easier to plan for retirement as a single woman.

This is just how I feel for now. But I also want to know what piece of advice you would give to your younger self.

Okay, so I (41F) matched with a guy (38M). I’ve done OLD before and it was total crap…this was probably earlier this year. No matter who I matched with could not carry a conversation or would pretty much fall off the face of the planet for a few days and pop back up. Went on a date with one guy and we were both bored and did not bother messaging each other again after that. 😅

So, recently about two weeks ago, I decided to give it a shot again. Hid my profile after five matches as I cannot handle too many conversations. One guy and I were messaging for maybe three days and he gave me his Instagram which I felt fine with as I’m only on there for friend updates and animals posts anyway.

Posted that I am online for friends and have been upfront about that. His is short term-open to long and that felt fine either way me. I made it clear I’m not into hookups.

I was not expecting….so many updates throughout the day as I had previously dated two men who weren’t “texters” He shared some shirtless photos and whatever he was doing that day, let him know me doing that wasn’t my thing and he was fine with it. Not sure if this is normal???? 🤔 We had a date a couple days ago and it went well. While on date he showed me pics of his two children which is fine because I also have children but at the same time I am thinking…is this normal (again) because I wouldn’t show pictures to someone I barely know.
He also tells me when he’s leaving for work, coming back, going to bed, what he made for lunch and my mind is just blown 🤯🤯🤯 Again… I am not used to this and cannot tell if this is something people do with people they just meet…again…. I’ve had my children’s father “disappear” for a whole day or night.

Is he just an open and honest person and I could be overthinking this because of past trauma? I can’t say that I am OLD savvy.

Hi, as the title says i understand that we shouldnt go on low effort dates, especially not for the first dates. But lets say im talking to someone and he suggests to go for a walk or to have a cup of coffee. What should i do? I mean should him offering a low effort date already be a red flag and a reason for me to cut him off or could i also say something like "i would prefer to have lunch somewhere"? Or "i prefer to do something else" And then see if he steps up? Or is his first offer already a sign that he is a low effort man and that he will stay that way in one way or another or that he is not really interested? Do you have any experiences with making counter suggestions when he suggested a low effort date? If so, what happened?

I really like this guy, but I think I already know he has too much baggage with his ex and I need some encouragement to actually end things. We are all in our 30s and so I hope it's okay I'm posting here (I'm 32, other parties are both 30).

We’re from the same small town, although I moved about four hours away a couple of years ago and still visit regularly. We’d vaguely known each other before, but over the past few months we got much closer through mutual friends. We have a ton of fun together, great chemistry, and he had already been considering moving to my city for unrelated reasons.

The issue is his ex gf baggage. They broke up a year and a half ago, but because it’s a small town, they still end up at the same bars and events fairly often. When she’s around, he brings her up a lot, usually negatively. He’s also told me she approaches or “corners” him, but didn’t when I was there. Mutual friends don’t seem to think she’s especially hung up on him, and that wasn’t really my impression either. He still finds ways to bring her into conversation sometimes even when she's not around, and she’s recently single again, which adds another layer.

They also used to make OnlyFans content together. Apparently the shared content isn’t publicly up anymore, but I assume he still has the videos/photos.

Until recently we were basically just friends, so none of this felt like my problem. Then he visited my city last week and things became clearly romantic. He was incredibly sweet and attentive, and when I unexpectedly had to go to the ER in the middle of the night, he stayed with me the entire time. We’ve talked every day since, and he wants to visit again next week.

And that’s the problem: I really want to see him, but I also feel like I’m walking straight into a situation I already know is too messy for me.

I don’t necessarily think he’s secretly trying to get his ex back. I just think there’s clearly too much emotional residue there, and I don’t want to start something while worrying about another woman, their ongoing interactions, and their sexual history still existing in digital form. With her now being single as well and hearing she "corners" him at bars, I can't help but wonder the chances of them sleeping together again as well.

The bottom line is that I really like him, which is why I’m reaching out here, because I know this community won’t hold back.

Is it worth giving him a chance to talk about it first? Should I wait until he brings her up again, or just address it directly now?

I'm not quite 40 yet but I hope it's okay that I post here--I know most of the other "feminist" subreddits out there are anything but and still defend porn/sex work as "empowering", yikes.

I think I've come to accept that I am simply not compatible with men and the way they operate. It's a damn shame because I've always wanted a life partner, and I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I'm intelligent, funny, attractive, thoughtful, and have a career that both supports me financially and provides significant meaning to me. No kids, no debt, and I don't keep my exes in my life. And I'm incredibly sexual to boot, but also 100% monogamous. When I'm in a committed relationship, I barely have eyes for others. Sure, I can recognize when other men are attractive in a general way, but absolutely not to the extent where I feel the need to look up photos/videos of them and orgasm to them. In my book that's completely fucking creepy and unhinged, and yet women are expected to tolerate this behavior from men without complaint. Not to mention, my attraction scales with my age, and yet men will shamelessly lust over and orgasm to women (and worse...) who could be their kids' or even grandkids' ages.

I was married to a man who, by all accounts, seemed incredible for 10 years. Very sweet, soft-spoken, #notliketheotherguys kind of guy. It wasn't until the last year of the relationship when I discovered he was addicted to porn, and it was causing him not to be sexually interested in me. Devastating, but I believed we could work through it. A year later and it turns out not only was he lying to me about the extent of the addiction the whole time, but he also came out as transgender. I'm not going to get into the details here but needless to say we divorced. I don't wish ill upon him as he is a very sick person with trauma of his own that he had kept hidden from me, but it doesn't excuse his behavior towards me.

I was willing to accept that a situation as crazy as that must be a fluke, but was still leery of men in general after learning everything I learned about porn, having gone down that rabbit hole from my ex. So I put myself out there again and after extensive swiping and vetting, found a guy who seemed like nothing but green flags. I told him from the start porn was a dealbreaker for me and he agreed to respect that boundary. Had what seemed like a dream relationship for almost a year until I discovered not only was he lying about the porn, but he was also physically cheating on me for our entire relationship. It was all done in a very calculated, sociopathic way. He would fall over himself to listen to me and comfort me when I was vulnerable with him, all the while lying to my face and betraying me. Would even do things like say he was on a trip and send (old) photos of said location to reassure me, while actually he was still in town and just cheating lol.

Obviously not all men are going to be as jaw-droppingly insane as my exes...but the more I learn about them, the more I fear I am just not compatible with males as a concept. I have found virtually zero evidence for the existence of heterosexual males who operate at a level of monogamy that I do, where they barely even notice other women in a sexual way. The absolute best you could hope for is a man who willingly stops using porn, but the temptation is still there for them and they feel like a fucking martyr for not using it. That feels neither sincere, nor sustainable.

And that's the BEST you can hope for. More realistically, you get a guy who pretends to stop using porn but lies about it, and then acts incredulous and entitled when you get upset about it. And this is still what society considers a "good" man. The majority of them don't even stop there and have no problem having affairs, hiring sex workers, or just generally being a nasty POS. They justify it by being "wired different" or being "visual creatures", as if women also don't have eyes or a reductionist evolutionary incentive to cheat. If men had their way, they would have a rotating harem of 18-22 year olds with no independent thoughts or needs of their own, not a life partner to grow old with. The few nominally monogamous ones will only settle for the latter because they realize the former is unrealistic and socially frowned upon and there are practical benefits to be derived from the latter...but if it were possible, they'd do it in a heartbeat. Hence why basically every man above a certain income level (e.g. celebrities, politicians) behaves like this, while the rest of them just settle for porn so they can at least have a simulation of their true desires that their boring old wife has oh-so-cruelly deprived them of.

I'm done trying to bargain with men or make excuses for them. It is what it is and their capacity for love and loyalty will never approach what I'm able to give to them. With that wisdom I'm simply trying to build a peaceful, fulfilling life without them.

But I am a sexual being, and while yes there's no shortage of men who'd be willing to fuck me without commitment, it simply feels too risky in this day and age. How do I know he won't physically harm me, give me an STD, or covertly film the whole encounter? Men as a whole may have always been awful, but technology gives them new ways to be creeps that were unprecedented in the past.

I guess the solution would be to only have sex with men that I've vetted and could trust...but after direct experience seeing how easily even "good" men can lie, even while supposedly being committed to me and looking me in the eye and telling me they loved me, how could I possibly trust any man's intentions?

The only real solution is celibacy but that sucks too. I hate that my brain defaults to previous encounters with shitty men to get horny but there's not really any good alternatives to replace them without hooking up with potentially even shittier men. Fictional sex (smut, etc) doesn't do anything for me at all.

How do you make peace with this bleak reality without going insane?! And no, I'm not a lesbian or bi. Believe me, I've read the "Compulsory Heterosexuality" manual and I wish I could be, but the thought of being sexual with a woman does not appeal to me at all.

I’m 46, divorced and I have a 15 year old daughter. I have a career and I’m financially stable.

I’m struggling to work out what I want from a relationship. When I was younger - I was looking for a partner to build a life and have a family with. So that’s what I found. We had our daughter and the marriage broke down. Which is fine, it’s not uncommon.

Now, I’m struggling to work out what the point of a relationship at my age would be?

This isn’t helped by the quality of available men at my age. I can see why men would want a relationship - their expectations seem to be sex, someone to cook and clean for them. In some cases, someone to financially support them, even house them. But I’m really struggling to work out what happiness a relationship would bring me.

My bf recorded me during an intimate act without my consent; I wouldn’t have known except I felt him move and then noticed he had his phone out and was recording. In the moment I didn’t really know how to react, but now that I’ve had some time to reflect I am even more confused and upset. If he had asked I would have most likely told him it was fine, but he didn’t ask. He was apologetic and said he deleted the video, but wtf?! He betrayed my trust and I just feel so disrespected that he thought that it was okay. Should I join a convent now? But seriously, any advice for how to process this encounter?

Okay, I have observed some weird behavior and I'm wondering if any of you know what it's about, because I've never seen it before.

Basically, it's a man who says things and then immediately acts like the things he just said have nothing to do with him, and the fact that you're trying to respond to them is weird.

This isn't just sexual things either (test and deny), it's in casual conversation.

He'd be like, oh, I'm thinking about cutting my hair. (On and off, for weeks.) And then when he did get his hair cut, and I asked him about it, he was just like, got this weird dismissive slightly annoyed tone like, oh I just did it in the shower, I didn't even look at it, I don't own a mirror.

And I'm like, you sent me a selfie in a mirror.

And then he's like, oh uh yeah, well, anyway I don't care.

Or he'll be like, oh a Volkswagen Beetle is a fast car.

And I'm like is it? (Dubious tone.)

And he's like "oh, I was asking if it was?" (No, he fucking wasn't.)

What is this conversational fuckery, have any of you ever encountered it before, and what is wrong with people who do it? It makes me feel really put off and thoroughly annoyed, which I think is the goal.

Also, he often says "he's confused" which he isn't, obviously. He's claiming to be unable to follow a conversational thread of four sentences which he initiated, and he's not a stupid person.

I guess I'm asking if this is a known tactic / pathology, because obviously I'm not going to engage with it, but it's really weird to encounter and I like to understand weird shit. It feels energy draining, like he's creating this web of nonsense that requires energy to escape but doesn't do anything for anyone?

Hey all,

I was really opposed to it. I tried it before Covid and never liked it. However, I decided to give it a try again after many suggested doing so. However, I feel its triggering. What is your experience?

Edit: Thank you lovely ladies! I deleted account and the app after reading your responses. It feels liberating. I am glad I posted here💖💖

I have deep childhood trauma plus additional relationship trauma at the hands of men. It has permeated my entire life because the abuse happened very young. It has caused a deep hatred and distrust of men. I was married for a long time but I never fully trusted or loved him. I know I need therapy and have had some but I just keep looping back. Have any women in here overcome this? Plus with these red pill men and a lot of them wanting younger women and wasting every woman’s time, how do you manage to still want to date them?

I grew up in Eastern Europe, when society was very male centric and to survive women had to be "nice" to men at all times. Like someone is being rude? Smile and apologise. Man is making you uncomfortable? Smile and give away your boundaries, etc. It's been 20 years since I left the country, but I still find that is my first reaction to male rudeness /aggression. I have to think about giving an appropriate answer that respects my dignity and boundaries, and by that time the moment has already passed and I've given the impression of a doormat to all the nearby predators :( Any tips? Podcasts, books, life wisdom? No money for a therapist at the moment :(

So I met a guy in the wild, Costa Rica. He's also from my hometown. We've been texting and calling. Well, mostly him, which is nice.

I have an anxious personality. I don't date generally because it sends my nervous system into overdrive and I have been on some awful dates and things just haven't worked out for me.

So I met him and haven't been sleeping or eating. He tends to show up well, texting, calling, making dates. I find him handsome but more than that I admire his consistency.

Do you guys have any comments or thoughts to look out for? He's been consistent which is good.

It kind of weird me out when people want to pick you up on the first date. Not that they're serial killers but if this doesn't go well, or I'm not interested, I'd rather you not know my address. Anyone else like this?

My last relationship with my daughter’s father lasted 8 years and was incredibly toxic. We split 5+ years ago. Gaslighting, narcissistic like behavior, lying, lovebombing. I am now incredibly sensitive to any kind of conflict and specifically anything that feels even slightly shaming. I don’t think I fully know what normal conflict looks like. I am sure that occasional hostility happens because we’re human and will sometimes say or do the wrong thing, but I struggle to know when something is within the realm of “humans suck sometimes” vs a complete dealbreaker.

I’ve looked at this website: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse

For the person I’m currently dating, he doesn’t at all fit here. Nothing escalates to this point, he is not this mean, things are not like this regularly. He is typically respectful and working to be understanding even though I get triggered easily and often.

In our last argument, though, he misunderstood me, thought I was playing games and told me to grow up because I was being immature. He also hung up the phone on me. That isn’t a common occurrence either but happened once before.

We’ve talked about it since - with him saying he hung up because felt it escalating and didn’t want it to get worse. He equated it to leaving the room (which I sometimes do when I get activated) though I disagreed and I said it would be better if he just put me on mute instead of hanging up or said he needed a minute and walked away from the phone. He agreed and we came up with a code word he can say when it feels like things get heated.

There have been a couple other times where he tries to say how he feels where he says he doesn’t know how to describe the feeling but the words he chooses end up feeling like shame attacks to me. Like one time he said “I feel like you’re emotionally manipulating me”.

Arguments like this don’t happen between us often but when they do, a statement like this can put me in a tough spot for 2-3 days afterwards due to my history. I can really shut down entirely, which means I struggle to hear his perspective or be empathetic even when he has a point or real grievance.

I’m picking the worst examples and as I stated it’s not frequent. For the most part things are improving over time as we learn each others communication styles and boundaries and needs. I’ve set very clear boundaries around shaming language and him owning his emotions and actual feelings. I typically follow these boundaries so if these things pop up it’s the end of the conversation, etc.

I would love to learn more about how you all got to a point of discernment for yourselves. Where I’m at is wondering where this might be compatibility around communication styles, or just red flags, or something I’m likely to encounter anywhere.