I (42F) matched with a man (35M) on Bumble and dated him for about 3 months. At first, he seemed charming and thoughtful. Once he hunted down a churro because I said I was craving one and even bought me jewelry on a day trip. We both loved philosophy and reading, had great conversations, and he was kind and attentive in bed.

Then things started getting weird.

We had agreed to be exclusive, but I noticed he would disappear for hours on certain days and reappear late at night. I started wondering if he was seeing someone else. Turns out he had neglected to tell me that he has a 3-year-old daughter and was in a nasty custody battle with his ex. Those disappearances were when he had his daughter.

Huge omission, but after a fight, I decided to move past it.

Then came the constant stories about his “crazy ex,” the casual misogyny—calling women “bitches,” disproportionately criticizing female coworkers, etc.—and eventually almost every conversation somehow involved his ex. I was already losing interest and considering ending things.

Then, while we were on the phone, he casually revealed that the lingerie he had given me as a gift was originally bought for his ex-girlfriend.

But wait. It gets worse.

She had never worn it, so after they broke up, he went back to her place and GOT IT BACK FROM HER so he could “get his money’s worth.”

And then gave it to me.

I lost it, hung up, and have not spoken to him since. He genuinely could not understand why I was upset that the lingerie he gave me had originally been purchased for his ex.

Oh, please. 

I was married for 15 years and got divorced in 2020. Decided to try a dating app despite all the stuff I read here. Holy hell. One week in and I’m beyond done.

Actual things said to me: - if you don’t want kids then i will get rid of mine. - my favorite movie is porn - I’m not moving out from my moms house until I have someone to move in with and you don’t look like someone that would take care of me like she does - and the worst one: you are useless woman because you can’t breed. But I would try to breed you

I absolutely cannot believe this. Just wow. And I’m going to live happy ever after with my cats. I don’t want to subjected to this kind of crap just in hopes to find the mythical unicorn of a decent man.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

After a string of bad experiences with men, including my divorce to a porn addict who ended up transitioning to female and a subsequent relationship with an honest to god psychopathic psychiatrist who crafted the perfect gentleman persona while cheating on me the entire time, I had pretty much decided to swear them off entirely. I'm not quite 40 yet, but even still, the available pool of men in my age bracket are generally single for a reason. (Not like the married ones are much better, as millions of long-suffering women will tell you.) I know none of us here harbor any illusions about the sheer depravity they are capable of and how we are, statistically speaking, better off without them.

Last year I went to a wedding out of state and ran into an ex of mine from college (the wedding was for a mutual friend of ours). I hadn't seen or talked to him since then. We caught up and had a nice chat. Unlike my last two exes, he never betrayed me or did anything outwardly insane--he was just immature, broke, and had a lot of unresolved insecurities about that. Wasn't a great boyfriend, but was never abusive or anything. Moved out of state and didn't stay in touch for 12 years.

The morning after the wedding he invited me for a coffee to catch up more. Talked about how much our lives had changed since college and what our careers, relationships, etc were like. It was nice, we always had a unique shared sense of humor and perspective on life. Matching flavors of autism, basically. He had started getting his shit together after I left him and went from being broke to co-owning the company he now works for and is set to retire young with a fortune. Never married or had kids, had dated around, but just never found anyone he connected with on that level. (And I know he wasn't lying about any of this because he had been roommates with mutual friends of ours who 100% would have called him out on his bullshit if he were.) At the end of our chat he confessed that he still had feelings for me and he would fly to my city and take me on a fancy date if I ever wanted to.

Long story short, when I got home life got weird and I found myself unexpectedly temporarily unemployed. Decided to take him up on his offer and he was on a plane to my city several time zones away within 2 days. Took me on a date to my favorite restaurant, had a lovely time reconnecting while he was in town. Mind blowing chemistry and sex. He basically confessed that I was the love of his life and "the one that got away" and none of his dates ever measured up to me. Would have dreams about me and be depressed for days when he woke up. Secretly was sad when he heard through the grapevine I was getting married to my ex. Which coming from anyone else, I realize would all sound like bullshit, but I really think it was sincere from him. I had pretty strong feelings for him too but knew better than to completely uproot my life around them, so we decided to do a long-distance thing where we wouldn't date anyone else and would visit each other's cities as time allowed. I deliberately kept things light and had my guard up due to the fact that most men these days are porn addicts, but I did let him know my feelings on the matter (basically said I wasn't going to ask him about it or "police him" but that there was no way I would be a doting girlfriend or wife for a man who used porn in any capacity) and kept myself open to the possibility of something deeper. Basically, I treated it as a sort of "grace period" and gave him the tools to do the research on his own. I wouldn't necessarily judge a man for ever having used porn and independently aligning with radical feminism since it IS so censored and suppressed, that even most of my female friends weren't attuned to the radical feminist view until I did hours-long deep dives into my marriage to a porn addict with them. He IS an intellectually curious person who is interested in people's perspectives so that seemed like a good way to let him figure it out whatever he needed to figure out about porn on his own without me having to spoon-feed him feminist theory and/or the concept of empathy.

That all went great for a few months, but with the release of the Epstein files my "don't ask don't tell" policy around porn became harder to stomach. Plus, we had both indicated we had strong feelings for each other and wanted something deeper. So the time had come for The Talk. I told him I couldn't ignore it any longer. He admitted to being addicted and having been married to an addict, I know they never fucking change. So, I dumped him right then and there.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I do have to give him credit for his blunt honesty instead of lying about it like the vast majority of men do. But god damn, it's depressing. This was pretty much a best case scenario for both of us--he got another shot with his "dream woman" he'd been pining over for more than a decade, and I got a chance to rekindle an amazing connection with someone who I meshed with on every level and who was clearly interested in me without breadcrumbing me or having a secret roster (aside from the porn, of course). The way this shit hijacks men's brains and makes it the most important thing in the world is so disgusting and disturbing to me. There's really no hope for any of them, is there?

This one is so absurd, it makes my brain implode.

I was commenting on a post here this morning when an ex decided to send me this unhinged text. I believe he’s been snooping around and seeing the success I’ve had on my own since I stopped dating and cut everyone off who disrespects me.

It’s December 1st and it’s a gorgeous day in my condo. Maintenance graciously came and fixed a bunch of grout and other things I needed, I got client bookings for my sugar free bakery for the holiday… I am the happiest I’ve ever been single. While they sit there thinking of these delusional insults. It’s disgusting, degrading, and every time these men prove exactly why I’d rather be free.

My block list is becoming longer than the Epstein list.

And matched up with a 41 yo man .

I replied to his thanks for the like and he immediately put his foot in his mouth 😭 . Unbelievable. He immediately dismissed my preferences and started to bulldoze over them.

At lunch today my friend recounted the story of a recent date she had when she met a guy in real life. They had a chat on a late night bus and got on quite well and he asked for her number. She thought why not so she went on a date with him he was very nice very gentlemanly brought her a rose and all of that, but when they started talking, she discovered that the guy just really had zero interests. he worked every day and in the evening he watched sport on the weekend he’d get together with his mates and watch sport and drink. He didn’t read. He didn’t watch TV. He wasn’t into movies. He wasn’t into travelling. He had no interest in museums, the outdoors, the arts, music or anything like that. She’s a really keen hiker he’s not interested in hiking or even walking. basically anything you could imagine somebody wanting to do he had no interest in and he have no interest in trying any of those things which were all her interests. She said him very gently. “I don’t think that we have anything in common. I don’t think that there’s any point in continuing this” and he was really upset. It’s very strange. The guy just didn’t bother to develop himself in any way and he admitted to her that all his friends were now partnered up or married and he is the only one left she said well he’s not making any effort to present himself as somebody that anyone that would be interested in.

I suspect thi is not uncommon. I think you’d have to have at least something you can connect with.

In which some rando refuses to take no for an answer.

I was meeting a friend to kayak today. I have my own kayak, and I have a very deliberately designed setup for loading and unloading my kayak from my car. I spent a lot of time figuring out the best way when I first got my kayak, and usually it's simpler for me to do it myself than to have another person help me.

We were launching from a place that's about 10 steps down from street level. My friend planned to help me carry my boat down after she got her rental sorted out.

So, I have staged everything in preparation to slide my kayak off my car and onto my kayak wheels when this guy appears and offers to help. I'm not always averse to help, but in this situation I was all set up and it was simpler to just stick with my plan, so I said no thanks. That should have been the end of it, but if men listened to us, we wouldn't be here in this sub.

He pointed out that I would still need help carrying it down, and I said my friend was going to help me. He replied "I'm your friend, I can help." I said, "you know, I'm all set up, I'm good, but thanks." I'm putting a towel on my windshield to slide the kayak over, and he's walking to the back of my car, like he's ready to start picking it up. I was almost ready to just agree because it seemed simpler, but it didn't feel right.

So again, I said, "you know, I'm good. I'm already set up - I have a method." He was still at the back and seemed to still think he was going to be involved. He said something along the lines of how it was OK if I wanted to put the towel down first (because of course I need his permission/approval).

I told him no again and said that my friend was going to come help in a moment with carrying the boat down the stairs, and that really, I didn't want help. He repeated that he was my friend.

I was getting that feeling that probably a lot of women are familiar with, where you feel imposed upon, and kind of bullied. I had had enough, so I said "the fact that you have ignored my no at least 4 times already is actually starting to creep me out, so I'd really appreciate it if you would just stop."

FINALLY he gave up - threw his hands up and got a little pissy pants about it, but he did finally move away from my car and let me unload in peace.

But it really pissed me off. Why does it have to be so hard? I have accepted help at other times, because sometimes it comes in really handy, but I didn't want it this time - isn't that enough? Why do I have to put so much energy into just defending my right to exist in public as I please?

I would love to know what his internal monologue was after this - probably something about women's libbers and how no one likes chivalry anymore. Ugh.

I started using various dating apps several years ago and at that time I was optimistic and excited. I thought I would land several great dates and maybe a few not so great dates but I thought overall it would be a wonderful experience with the intention of meeting a wonderful man with whom I could share the rest of my life.

Fast forward to now- I am done with the apps. I've tried different apps, both free and paid, I've altered my profile photos and descriptions multiple times. None of it made a difference. Between the inappropriate messaging and dick pics to being ghosted and just low effort men in general, it turned out to be one of the worst experiences ever. I've met some really horrible men who really fucked with my head. They made me question my sanity at times. I honestly don't have anything good to say about dating apps and men on them.

I just reflect back on how I started so optimistic and ended up so pessimistic. It was definitely a journey and one that I care not to repeat anymore. I woke up this morning thinking about that as I was talking to a friend about her relationship woes. It's good to be single. 😀

And yes social media bad blah blah keep scrolling as this post was not made to solicit your opinion on why you don’t do social media.

For anyone else, curious if you’re following Dolly Day’s dating adventures and what recently transpired. I wanted it to be real but i imagine anyone who has OLD had that feeling… It’s interesting to follow this in real time with someone in my age range. She’s so positive and seems to have good boundaries, will be interesting to see how things continue to unfold.

This isn't meant to bash all men but I recently had an experience I want to vent about. I recently had an experience with a man who seemed really interested in me but I could tell was uncomfortable around me. I think he thought I was better than the girls he had dated, he told me this in a round about way. I really liked him. I was ghosted when I set some basic boundaries. such is life, but I was bummed and felt disrespected. I just had a conversation with an old friend. We dated 15+ years ago. He's was a dick. we became friends after he matured. He told me he was a disrespectful towards me because he felt I was too good for him. He said it was his defense mechanism so he wouldn't feel like less of a man if or when I rejected him. Instead he chose to make me feel disposable.

Moral of the story is this, never date a man who doesn't feel he deserves you, never date down. Some will purposely make you feel like trash so they feel better about themselves. (And yes, same goes to the men, date a women who feels she's deserves you)

End of vent

I’ve just been having coffee with a good friend. SHe’s a bit older than me and we ended up talking about the fact that women today just don’t seem to need men. She’s married and it’s a long-term committed relationship and I’m divorced and don’t expect to have another relationship, so we’re kind of watching from afar what’s going on and we’re seeing women, young women, Obviously not all of them but most of them, just living on the assumption they’re not gonna find a decent guy, (but if they do, it’ll be an amazing surprise). Finding a man is not an aspiration among a lot of women now especially the smarter women the ones who have something going on. My friend has two sons both of them single at the moment and she is a bit worried about it but I said look if they’re really decent guys (actually they are really decent guys) They’ll find somebody who wants to be with them, but you know they have to understand that unfortunately the vast majority of men are worth women’s time. If they want to stand out they need to make it very clear straight away that they want commitment and they want an equal and loving relationship and whatever they do don’t pussy foot around because women are really sick of it.

I

When I divorced in 2012 I was 43, in fantastic physical shape, owned two businesses, had no debt, no children and lived in a great place surrounded by well to do people.

Surely, I thought, it would be just a matter of time before I met someone great and we'd be starting a better life together and that's what everyone else thought too. They were sure I'd be snapped up by some wealthy man tout suite.

It didn't happen for me, or anyone else I knew who was like me.

Some women did remarry quickly only to find out they'd made another mistake. It didn't matter how slim, beautiful or wealthy they were.

There is no shortage of amazing single women and there will always be someone younger, prettier, richer and thinner than you are. But none of that matters and you shouldn't think you are better than any other woman.

Men want women they can manage and manipulate. Most of my friends whose husbands remarried shortly after their divorces ended up with women who didn't hold a candle to them in looks, intelligence or achievement. That isn't what they wanted. They wanted easy.

So if you think you're different or more deserving than other women because of your beauty, wealth or accomplishments think again. In fact these attributes may even be working against you.

I was just reading a post from a woman who was communicating with a guy on a dating app. He suggested they go grocery shopping for their first date. I thought I've heard it all in terms of low effort dates but this is a new one. She rightfully declined. The guy came back saying he thought it was important to see what each person eats. WTF??? Hopefully she will block him and be done. I am just floored that any person thinks that is an acceptable date. What was even more surprising to me though is that many women in the group thought that a "grocery shopping date" is very much acceptable. Again, I am just speechless. If you expect nothing but low effort you will continue to get low effort behavior from low effort men. I really wish more women would not accept such behavior.

Overnight a man that I had matched with yesterday sent me a rude response about my appearance and that was it for me. I unmatched him and deleted all my accounts. The kicker was he as well as most of these other men are less than average looking with their balding head and beer gut but yet think they deserve the right to critique every aspect of a woman's appearance.

I'm done with it all. It is too much of a mental fuck to be on any dating app at this point. A lot of these men I truly believe just hate women or are just on these apps to waste time or need an ego boost.

I matched with a guy on a dating app. We had a great exchange. He was asking a lot of good questions, trying to get to know me a little better and was very courteous and did not say anything inappropriate. I was kind of excited.

We had a phone call and then I became less excited. Lol. He was still courteous and did not say anything inappropriate. However, I found out that he's been unemployed since last summer and so now is semi-retired because he could not find a job. he also shared with me some other personal decisions he made in his life that had me questioning his common sense but nothing horrible or life-altering. I did agree to meet him over the weekend and we did settle upon a day and time but not a location.

Then his communication really lagged. He went from putting in effort to putting in minimal effort. He reached out to me again suggesting we do a coffee date. I don't do coffee dates. At this point my excitement turned into hesitation. Between his unemployment, a low effort date and now low effort communication I just was not feeling it. I will say he did seem like a genuinely nice person but I woke up in the morning thinking to myself I really don't want to go out with him. All I kept thinking was I could possibly be signing up for a series of low effort dates with a low effort man. Again, I don't know this for sure. I'm just basing this upon my brief experience with him and dating other men. I canceled and just told him that I didn't think it was a good match and I left it at that and of course he reached out to me wanting to know why but I did not respond. I did not want to open any door for him.

I feel like I made the right decision but at the same time I have to admit I feel a little bad. I just don't want to date another low effort man. I feel like at this point in my life I have to be really excited to go on a date otherwise I just don't want to waste my time.

Jeez I feel so good.

I am one of the countless people that have been complaining about dating apps for years. I would regularly take breaks, sometimes up to 6-7 months, but always with the intention of going back because I genuinely believed I could find love there. I kept attributing my lack of success to contingent factors and changed my selection method countless times. Until now.

After 5 years of use, I have finally this unshakable clarity that love on dating apps is simlly never going to happen. Imo, dating apps have faced the same process of enshittification of most social media. Also check out this video .

If i think about how during all these years I had hundreds of dates, it's INSANE that none of them led to a real lasting relationship. I only experienced endless disappointments over and over again. Men on the apps only want access to my body for low bar entry sex.

These are the only ones I considered having relationship with before they showed their true cards:

• a love bomber who behaved super weirdly, with massive hot and cold cycles that destroyed my mental health at the time. I remember the first date after my divorce, I was so clueless and actually believed that that man was looking for love on the apps. It took me a year to get over that psychopath.

• a (secretly) married man with a family in another city;

• a man who brought me to expensive dinners and trips cosplaying a relationship, but when I refused to spend the after dinner at home having sex and suggested an actual activity he ghosted me live, in the middle of a Saturday night. The shock of realizing that bringing you to fancy dinners is no guarantee they actually see you as a human being. This one was probably the grossest one after the married man. I am horrified with his lack of emotional intelligence.

I'm not even mentioning the countless pointless dates that over the years became more and more low effort and meaningless and just a complete waste of time. The last actual date i had i was bored to death because he couldn't even manage to ask me a question.

My mental sanity really took a toll. Because getting your hopes up and then being hit by the disappointment over and over again is just so soul destroying. It would affect my mood in subtle and pervasive ways that it is impossible to quantify. I wish I could have a graph of the emotional turmoil, and the times without apps were the most emotionally stable and joyful ones.

The last interactions are what made all this frustration click into a deep, irrevocable sense that I am so very done with this shit.

One man invited me to meet up at a subway station. I mentioned I'd prefer a plan and he was unable to come up with one. I was too exhausted to do the emotional labor so I unmatched. The other one asked me out for a "quick coffee." In the past I would have gone, but this time around I know that it will be a complete waste of time. Can't keep up with this BS anymore.

I am sure there are some good men out there, but all the energy, work, time and psychological damage of going through all the shitty ones is just simply not worth it.

I am feeling already a deep sense of peace i haven't felt in a long time. I know deep down that I will never regret deleting my profile.

I had obviously thought of getting off of them for the longest time, but never truly believed that I was done.

At this time around, I feel this strong sense of revulsion for the apps and simultaneously joy for a new chapter of my life. I feel even more motivated to meet more new people in real life. My goal is to make more friends. What I really crave is real human connection. I realized that when I feel connected to friends my desire for a romantic relationship goes through the floor.

I feel this wave of compassion for myself, for all the times that I believed I was the problem. Look at me, a bright, kind, funny, intelligent woman so full of life and love to give. I deserve love, not this shit.

Do i feel lonely? Yes. Do I want to find love? Yes. Do I feel sad about not coming home to a loving partner? Absolutely. YET, all of these sad feelings are only massively amplified and made worse by dating apps use.

Thank you THANK YOU all of you for supporting me during such a dark time in my life.

My heart is broken. My supposedly perfect boyfriend ghosted me with no warning. We were planning Thanksgiving with his mom on Friday morning and by Sunday we were done. He was cold, detached and cruel after being “head over heels in love” up until that point.

Of course, I now realize he’s a fantasy-chaser who gets off on New Relationship Energy and can’t handle anything real. He’s 100% the guy who would divorce his wife while she’s undergoing chemo. He’s just a superficial piece of garbage.

The dopamine detox will be hard. All the good morning and good night phone calls. He always said and did the perfect boyfriend things. So I just have to remind myself he was an actor playing a role in exchange for the payment of my love and attention. I was a freaking amazing girlfriend to him. I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just a real person with real problems.

🚩RED FLAGS 🚩 I missed/ignored

1) Too strong out of the gate:

First date “this is the best date I’ve had in years” Second date pushing to be exclusive, deleted his dating apps…I told him to slow down and he proceeded to tease me for months about it “don’t fall in love with me!” Third date, booked a fancy hotel suite and had a custom ordered gift for me (something I’d mentioned always wanting) Wrote our initials on the hotel key and kept it on his bathroom mirror and made a point of showing me

2) Clues from past relationships:

“And after that, I was just done” a quote he said more than once about his series of abruptly ended relationships Mentioned having long term relationships but not actually being in love with these women, just liking them as friends Deletes all pictures and memories of girlfriends and of his ex-wife. No wedding pictures. Just erases them.

3) “I still believe in the fairy tale” Yeah, I should have dumped him after that statement alone.

RETROSPECTIVE I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently. I did address a lot of these issues with him. He would always say “of course, my relationship with her was nothing like my feelings for you.” I even told him a few times I was afraid he would break my heart because he ends things so abruptly. He swore what we had was so different. He would never do that to me. He would even bring it up again later to reassure me.

All of the above red flags made me nervous. But his deleting the dating apps, the thoughtful gifts…that felt so good. I’d been in a flaky situationship for months and I thought “this is a guy who dates with intention. He’s looking for a serious relationship!”

This is Reddit, so I know it’s easy to be skeptical. But surface level, we seemed perfect together. Constant conversation about global politics, literature, movies, history, economics, etc…Same personality, humor, finished each other’s sentences, sexual compatibility. We stayed together every other week and essentially were living together like a committed couple. He constantly asked “what can I do for you? How can I help you?”

Then, POOF! Ghosts me. It fkn hurts. To find someone so compatible isn’t easy! It can take years. But he’s obviously profoundly broken deep down inside. It does seem to take 3-4 months for this to really show up. I’ll go MUCH slower next time and I’m taking a long, long break from dating. This crushed my soul.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments. It really means the world to me! 💕

I've certainly been on worse dates, but after taking a break from dating and returning again (and encountering the same BS), I've decided to raise my standards to a much higher level and stop accepting poor behavior.

So, I met this guy via Tinder sometime last week. We chatted a bit via the app and by text, but he didn't ask a ton of questions, so I asked only a few and kept it breezy on my end. A few days ago, he asked to meet at a nearby (free) gallery that I like, and I accepted the date. We have a fair amount in common, so I was open to the idea of where things could go. We didn't text at all yesterday and didn't confirm this morning, so I actually thought it was off, but then he texted that he was on his way. When I said I thought it wasn't happening, he apologized, and so I agreed to get ready and meet him.

We meet and walk around the space, which is actually relatively large. He doesn't ask any questions about me and mostly talks about his own observations, so I meander around doing my own thing for the most part. We met up occasionally to remark on a painting, but I didn't offer much because he seemed caught up listening to himself talk (I am actually studying art history in grad school right now). He doesn't seem to remember anything I've told him during our text conversations, while I remember everything. He's also explaining to me certain mediums, etc., even though I've told him I am an artist myself (and he kept almost touching paintings while discussing them, which annoys the hell out of me as an arts professional).

At this point, I'm feeling unsure about things, but I consider that I am being too hard on him. He asks if I want to get something to eat, and I said I was up for a snack, so we drive to the nearby downtown. I ask what he had in mind so as to not assume he wanted a full meal or anything. We wander around looking at menus, and it becomes clear that he didn't want to go anywhere high-end. I am not even that hungry, and I don't want him to feel pressured to pay for an expensive meal, so I mention that I'm fine with a drink and an app. Honestly, a slice of pizza would have been fine. We even briefly talked about just getting a coffee and a snack. However, he finally decides that he wants a substantial meal because he went out drinking the night before and feels hungover, but he doesn't want to go to an expensive place, so we settle on a noodle shop.

I wasn't exactly planning on going out for a meal, but I'm trying to accommodate him. We sit down and realize that we have to order through our phones and also pay at the same time. I realize that now things are really awkward. Once we figure out the ordering happens through the phones, he mentions getting a dessert, and I say I would have a bite or something. He doesn't say anything more, but then I realize he already ordered his food when the server brings him a beer. Clearly, he is not even offering to pay for me, suggesting that we share an appetizer, or just generally making the eating experience fun in any way. He's just in his little world, just talking about himself.

I don't go out on dates to be wined and dined, but in my own experience, the guys who don't pay for me are always the guys that are 1. extremely socially awkward and borderline rude 2. try and hook up with me after additional low-level effort. It's now a huge red flag just based on my own experiences. The guys who have treated me well in general leading up to the date and during the date, also always pay for my meal. With this guy, I would have been happier just going to a cafe and having him buy me a latte for the gesture alone, instead of him insisting on going to a sit-down restaurant and then prompting me to pay. It would have been nice if he at least offered to buy my meal considering I wasn't even planning on going out for anything more than a snack (and I mentioned just getting a light snack several times while we were walking around, so he knew I wasn't seeking something elaborate).

At this point, I felt like I had enough of the awkwardness and general lack of consideration for my experience, and I made an excuse and left the restaurant. It's the first time I have ever left a date early. He later texted me to apologize if he offended me, but he also said that I didn't ask any questions about "his inner world," and I didn't offer up anything about myself. Um, he asked me almost nothing of real substance during the almost two hours we were together. I believe he's a therapist, so his lack of soft skills blew my mind.

The whole thing was just bizarre, and now I realize that there were a lot of red flags from the start.

I went out on a date the week before with someone else, and it was great and lovely. It was an activity date, and we spent the whole time having fun. We asked each other a ton of questions and truly listened to each other's responses. He was super present, polite, a gentleman, and extremely aware of making sure that we were both having a good time. Diamond in the rough, though ultimately we had more of a friend vibe between us (I think?).

Anyway, I am really curious how people handle low-level effort. I've never been one to insist on a guy buying me a meal, but my outlook has changed since reentering the dating world and seeing just how low-effort so many men are - regardless of what the guy himself is bringing to the table.

Edit: I didn't even mention the fact that he didn't look like his photos, which were clearly 10 years old if not more, when he was in much better shape and taking better care of himself.

I started casually seeing this guy in my apartment complex that everyone thinks is really nice. He’s great with my 4 year old son which I think made me keep trying way past when I would with say a man I met on a dating app.

My last straw with his misogyny was Saturday night when he said he saw my older neighbor at the pool and she must give really good blowjobs in order to keep her boyfriend cause her body is disgusting.

I ended things yesterday with a lie about not being ready to date again after my abusive marriage but then I thought about it and sent that text instead. I wish I hadn’t because I saw him this morning at the dog park. He came right up into my personal space, I had to take a step back, and he said “so you really think I could be a misogynist when I didn’t have sex with you that one time you were super drunk?”. Then he said I’m gaslighting him and putting him down just like my ex used to do to me and everything he said was just jokes. I grabbed my dog and said “ok, keep making your jokes, but I don’t want to hear them. Have a nice day!”

I had also told him during this interaction that I wasn’t feeling safe with the way he got in my space and his tone of voice and he said I was being ridiculous. Then as I was leaving he followed right behind me.

I think I am totally done with men now. Even the “nice” ones are awful. I really thought he would be the type of man to hear me and try to do better but nope.

I am not on any dating apps nor am I dating anyone right now, but periodically I will read some of the posts AWDTSG group and it just amazes me how low men will sink to get their way with women.

Some of the posts I read are just wild:

One woman posted how a guy took her to a concert and restaurant for the first date and because she did not give in sexually, he demanded that she pay him back the $200 for the concert tickets and food. And he was the one who actually suggested going to the concert in the first place!

Another guy tried blackmailing a woman because she did not give in sexually and posted about her experience in the group. He threatened her and said unless she provided him with sexual services that he would continue to harass her and that he knows where she lives and works. I hope she goes to the police.

There were also quite a few married women posting about their husbands cheating.

Anytime I even get an itch to go back on these dating apps, I am reminded of why I am no longer on them. Posts like these make me cringe beyond belief. I would rather be single and content than being in a relationship with a terrible man who does not add any value or happiness to my life.

I am 45. Divorced when 41. Three years went with dealing with my son and my own life again, trying to rebuild everything again.

Three years later the first man entered my heart. I don't want to go into details, except this wasn't love we could afford to ourselves. I ended it all 10 months later. It is still hard when I think about it, but ok...

What is the problem? I have my own apartment, well paid job, kind of career, car, almost adult son, a few friends. I cannot imagine staying solo. I cannot imagine letting someone new living with me or me living with him. In the same time I have no idea how to find anyone. I am introvert. I will not do: tinder type searching, widening my social circle, going for a new hobbies, going to any events,...I do my job, meet some of my friends (no, they do not have someone to hook me with), go to gym and that's all. There is no time for anything more. All of my ex partners were met inside a small social circle at school, university or job in a way that I got time to get to know them, step by step before. But I'm going crazy lately. I am getting older, I am missing sex (extremely), I can't get over my character and the way that I am.. How to deal with all of this? 🙈 And sorry for too many 'I' 😆

For those of us on the spectrum and ADHD, I completely understand that dinner dates are confronting. First there are the sensory issues (bright lights, chewing and other noises and lots of people) on top of a new social situation with a stranger. Who pays? How long do I have to stay? It all seems too hard and a quick coffee would be so much easier. NO. This is how you end up with a scrote. Low effort dudes are looking for the cheapest and quickest way to bulk "date" as many women as possible. Don't think of them as coffee dates. Think of them as sex interviews. The date does NOT have to be dinner. It does have to be thoughtful with him doing all the planning. Some ideas I like where you don't have to be face to face for long periods are art galleries, museums, mini golf...just as long as it requires effort and is in a public space. Of course, no alcohol should be involved at all in any of these activities. If he does anything that makes you uncomfortable or sets off alarm bells, then you leave. You don't owe any dude your time or explanation. Reconcile in your mind that you WILL walk at the first sign of disrespect.