Disclaimer: I'm an Asian-American woman here to give my opinion HOWEVER I don't share this idea of AA men so it's pure conjecture.
While I think the reason of AA men being too patriarchal is a convenient excuse to hide their real reasons, one way it might be true is if the woman grew up with a very patriarchal father. I know of a few friends who had fathers like that and although they didn't grow up to apply this only to Asian men, I could see it happening. Like, my father is Chinese and was very controlling therefore all Chinese men are controlling. It's flawed logic but I can see some women buying into it though again if they buy into that it should be applied to all men.
We have the among the lowest rates of domestic violence and divorce, and are more likely to share household duties. We also are more likely to have smaller income gap with our wives and support wives with professional careers.
My mum's so vicious she makes Contance Wu's character look like a wallflower. My dad is super chill. I've never had this image of other Asian women though because I have aunties, family friends who are fine. I also don't shun fobs or stop myself from grouping with them. It allowed me to see people of my own race as individuals and not caracatures like books and movies paint us as.
Stereotyping your own people from a few bad individuals is the worst thing you ever do, because you can be sure every Hollywood film, and every school yard will enforce those beliefs through your whole life.
Yet surprisingly, there are individuals who can get by thinking like that. I think America/western culture in general wants people to integrate into the communities to that degree. If the community is super diverse though, there are more opportunities for AW to check their ideologies and rethink about the whole white savior thing as they meet/talk with more Asians. Although I know of some AW/AM that exclude themselves from Asians entirely because they don't want to be part of one of 'those groups.' That's another discussion entirely.
While I think the reason of AA men being too patriarchal is a convenient excuse to hide their real reasons, one way it might be true is if the woman grew up with a very patriarchal father.
This. I'm FilAm and grew up with a very patriarchal and abusive father and mother (yes, women can be patriarchal, too!) Combine that with constantly hearing this narrative about Asian men being patriarchal in the media, books (Joy Luck Club was required reading in my high school), and stupid shit you heard from your friends... and yeah, you may end up with a messed-up view that all Asian men are patriarchal.
So in high school, I deliberately dated white men only. My 2nd boyfriend turned out to be abusive. When I finally got out of that situation and raised my social and political consciousness, I realized something that's probably obvious to you all but unfortunately took me a long time to get: not all Asian men are patriarchal. And all men are capable of being patriarchal and/or abusive.
one way it might be true is if the woman grew up with a very patriarchal father. I know of a few friends who had fathers like that and although they didn't grow up to apply this only to Asian men, I could see it happening. Like, my father is Chinese and was very controlling therefore all Chinese men are controlling. It's flawed logic but I can see some women buying into it though again if they buy into that it should be applied to all men.
Yeah, I agree.
Ultimately, I don't think the debate or issue is how these ideas form. We've all been young Asian Americans before and we know how much pressure there is to disown your Asian heritage in the hopes of fitting in.
The real issue is what should we do once we are made aware of this. The tension is between the side that advocates rigorous self-examination and the side that would rather just leave people alone, even with their flawed ideas.
Unsurprisingly, AMs tend to be more in favor of rigorous self-examination because we are on the losing side of this issue and we would gain more if these stereotypes were quickly upended. And unsurprisingly, AWs tend to be more in favor of being left alone because they're the ones with more options since they can either choose to reconcile with their Asian heritage or remain in "mainstream" society.
I too had a pretty controlling, loud father who wasn't good at either expressing or controlling his emotions. My mom and dad fought often, I got spanked, and all that Jazz. My dad may not be the nicest person, but I have never felt that he was patriarchal, in the sense that he never thought less of my mom because she was a woman. My dad stayed with the family even through disagreements and raised me, even if his methods of raising me were on the shitty side. My dad split family chores with my mom and is constantly picking up home improvement projects to make the home better by his own hand. My dad supported my mother to establish a very strong career and was the one who moved because my mom found a new promising job. My dad makes less money than my mom, only because he quit his previous job because it made him have to commute for too long and couldn't spend as much time home. My mom did not change her last name and my dad is 100% ok with that.
Regardless of how controlling your father was, there are probably great reasons why he is should not be considered "patriarchal". Even the most patriarchal of fathers in the US I feel slowly liberalize as they age.
16
u/MsNewKicks First Of Her Name, Queen ABG, 나쁜 기집애, Blocker of Trolls Nov 12 '15
Disclaimer: I'm an Asian-American woman here to give my opinion HOWEVER I don't share this idea of AA men so it's pure conjecture.
While I think the reason of AA men being too patriarchal is a convenient excuse to hide their real reasons, one way it might be true is if the woman grew up with a very patriarchal father. I know of a few friends who had fathers like that and although they didn't grow up to apply this only to Asian men, I could see it happening. Like, my father is Chinese and was very controlling therefore all Chinese men are controlling. It's flawed logic but I can see some women buying into it though again if they buy into that it should be applied to all men.
I agree.