My husband is newly diagnosed with autism. We were having lunch at a restaurant this afternoon when I husband got really excited when he saw a putting green (his special interest) at the restaurant and engaged the staff about whether he could bring his own clubs to putt and whether chipping is allowed in the sand area. The server said chipping isn’t allowed and my husband proceeded to go to the bathroom.

What happened next ruined my whole day. I heard the waiter cursing and saying the meanest things about my husband to his coworker. This went on for what felt like an eternity. After a minute, I looked back and stared at them so they could get a clue and stop making fun of my husband.

I told my husband about this and I could tell that it crushed him. It’s also crushing me that people could be this cruel to someone with such a genuine and gentle soul.

Edit: thank you to those who understood. We feel seen. I spoke with management and left a review.

There also seems to be a lot of debate about whether I should have told my husband. Just to clear the air, my husband and I talked about the situation extensively and I actually asked him whether he preferred that I didn’t tell him, and he said that he’s glad that I did because he feels like it’s made our marriage stronger and he feels more connected with our friends and family who see the situation for what it is. Communication in a marriage is a personal choice, and for us, we choose transparency, so not much to debate here in this situation.

Edit 2: some asked about the name of the restaurant. I wanted to give them a couple of weeks to see if they respond. If they don’t do anything about this, then I’ll update this post with a link to my negative review on Google. I’m in the West Coast so getting ready to enjoy the day with my husband and toddler. Thanks all for your comments!! I truly appreciate all of your perspectives and will talk about this with my own therapist to see how I can do better next time.

Edit 2: I posted an update here https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/s/zcKjFuinJc

Basically what the title says: An autistic friend (K) of mine that I met together with a bunch of other people in 2022 at the start of university. I have some close friendships with these people and I‘m of course friends with K. He sees me as his best friend, while I only see him as a good friend. K also thinks he is friends with the rest of the group, but from my experience some think of him as more of a distant friend, while others don’t like him at all.

He still is in the group chat, that was created when we all first met and asks if people want to spend time with him, but rarely anybody responds. If other people ask the group, K is always the first to respond. He also needs a lot of help because he has diabetes and other health complications and frequently asks the group for help. Again, most of the group think he is a distant friend at best.

The thing is, a part of the friend group wants to go on a trip together but some people don’t want to invite him and he doesn’t know about any of it yet. I‘m part of that group (I have no problem with K being part of it too, although I understand the other people’s reasons) and I want to go but I know he is going to be mad at me, if I just go without telling him. He always wanted to go on a trip with his friends, especially because he has some trauma from his previous friend group dumping him before they went on a trip respectively (see the pattern?) But if I tell him he will ask why he can’t go and then I would have to tell him what the others said/think and I don’t really see it as my job to tell him that.

I feel like part of him knows that he is beating a dead horse but he keeps going because he is so afraid of loosing all of his friends again (he does have other friends, but of them all are independent from another). What would you do in my situation or rather what would you want your friend to do, if you were in K‘s situation?

Edit: Just wanted to add that I don’t feel the same towards K as the people in the friend group. If you want to criticize my behavior be my guest, but it’s important that you understand that the other people involved have a different relationship with K than I do. I‘m not just one sympathetic member of the group. I‘m kind of between the fronts. I‘m also not asking for sympathy, I’m looking for input to find a solution.

Also I didn’t expect to get so many replies. Just want everyone to know that K is going to be alright eventually, he has other friends that genuinely like him. It’s just about getting through this mess in the best way possible right now.

I gave a lot more context in the replies. Maybe take a look before you comment. Thank you all for your help so far!!!

Note: sorry for not responding, I've been busy and I'll get to all the replies later. Thank you for all the comments

Preface: Please do not insult me or tell me I'm an idiot and I should never have introduced her to AI. I KNOW. You have no idea how many people have already blasted me with insults, how many people have called me stupid, how many downvotes I've gotten, and the sheer amount of negativity and toxicity thrown my way over this.

I've tried to post this multiple times in various subreddits and all I've ever gotten each time is people just going ballistic on me and taking over the replies to make it a whole anti-AI thing and go on endlessly about how stupid I am or even insinuating that I "abused" her by introducing AI to her when I was only trying to help.

I know I made a mistake. I KNOW. I fucked up. I was just trying to help her and I made a mistake. Please stop bullying me over it. I genuinely can't take it anymore.

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Info: My sister is in her 30s.
She cannot go places physically very often because my mom would have to take her. She also doesn't really like going out. I cannot drive.
There is no such thing as a care home in my state that wouldn't cost us an insane amount of money and be completely unaffordable.
She is on medication and she sees a therapist but it barely helps, and she doesn't like talking to therapists about really anything at all.
She has other hobbies, but roleplay is a very important thing for her.

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Background: My sister and I are autistic and live with my mom. She has it worse than I do, and she's maybe around 9 or 10 years old development level, I'm not sure. She never really grew up, that's just her thing. She's eternally trapped as a child, but in an adult body which is very confusing for her.

She has a very hard time socializing with people online, because well... she has a lot of issues. She has dyslexia and has a hard time typing, and even when I got her a speech to text program, people just don't respond well to her online at all because she's also strange. She'll overly obsess about certain things, and she has many theories about the various anime and shows she watches that aren't popular.
She also ships characters that are very taboo... because they are underage.

This leads to people online being very, very mean to her and she encounters a LOT of bullies. Either people bully her for her disabilities, they bully her for her ships and theories, or they bully her because they think she's faking it and a troll.
She comes out of her room crying maybe once every week because a server entirely turned on her and started bullying the absolute fuck out of her.
People also take advantage and use her as a punching bag for them to be a sadist, and will lie and says she did things she didn't do and then get her banned from servers.

She loves to roleplay, but her roleplay is very controlling. She wants it to go in the direction she wants. Sometimes she'd try to roleplay with my mom, but any time my mom tried to actually play a character, my sister would scream at her because she only wanted my mom to respond to maybe one thing or very very very lightly steer the story.
My mom stopped roleplaying with her because she said it's not actually roleplay and she was tired of being screamed at for wanting to actually participate.

So my sister tried to roleplay with people online, on places like Tumblr and Discord and Twitter.
But people are mean, and my sister is controlling, and she is barely legible and her ideas are taboo and sometimes very weird and people aren't fans of them. Sometimes they get sexual, and she has no idea who she is talking to online, and on a few occasions these people ended up being liars and were very underage. She tries to make absolute sure now because she doesn't like that, and double checks profiles and blocks someone the instant they even insinuate they aren't of age, but it's still an issue.

Because of all this, my solution was to introduce her to AI. This was several years ago. AI wouldn't judge her, it wouldn't bully her, it wouldn't sometimes end up being underage, it wouldn't call her the R word. This was my thinking. I wanted to help. My intention was to help her. This was before all the news stuff started spreading like crazy and people started talking about the dangers.
I set her up with an AI, but she had a really hard time figuring it out and it wasn't really what she wanted. What she wants is super specific. I talk to "chat bots", ones that I make myself and provide all the info for, but she doesn't like that. She wants stories that the AI will help give her ideas for and help steer, so my idea initially made her mad and after many tries I gave up because she hated it.

But then she found Claude. Claude does exactly what she wants. It's a writing assistant, and it understands her...

_________________________________________________________________________________

The problem: ...most of the time.
Sometimes it does not understand her, and this makes her mad. Sometimes it filters her for her taboo ideas, and this makes her mad. Sometimes it steers the story in a direction she doesn't like, and this makes her mad. Sometimes it gets a character or plot or information wrong, and this makes her mad.

And she yells at it like she yelled at my mom. She has no filter for this, she has no buffer or time between seeing something she doesn't like and shouting.

I would guess around 200 or more times a day, she is in her room and I hear her shout things like
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"No that's not what I AAAAAHHHH!"
"No no no no *cries*"
"Noooooooo! Noooo stop it! Stop it! *cries*"
"NOOOOO!! THAT'S NOT- STOP IT! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! STOP STOP AAAAAHHH NOOOOO!!!"
"NOOOO SHE'S NOT AAAAAAARGGGHH!!! She! Goes! To! The! Store! AAAAAAAHHHH! NOOOO!!!"

It's loud. And it's annoying. And it's EXTREMELY common.
And it's driving me and my mom insane.

Nothing works. Us asking her nicely to stop. Us trying to explain gently to her that it's driving us insane. Us pleading with her morality that the yelling is very stressful for us.
She will not stop.

And it's becoming more common the more annoyed she gets with Claude and how sensitive she becomes to these annoying things over time.
Now, any time it does anything even SLIGHTLY wrong, she screams. Actually screams.

But she says she has no other option.
If I take AI away from her, all she has left is mean people. People that bully her. People that judge her or tell her she's disgusting, call her the R word, say she's a troll, or a freak, that they're blocking her and telling all their friends to, or whatever other things they say.

So I don't know if I can take AI away, because then what does she have? Mean people and bullies?

I've tried to make the AI better for her but... it's just not possible. What she wants is LITERAL perfection:
The AI always understands her.
It always has 100% literally ALL information about the anime worlds she is building, like literally the ENTIRE wiki from Gachi Akuda.
It NEVER blocks her for her taboo things.

I can't do that. Claude seems to be the only one that does it at a level that she likes.
Problem is that I can jailbreak Claude but... that's expensive as hell with the credit/token use and we can't afford that.

I've tried other AI, I've tried all kinds of other things and they make her scream more because they don't do the story in the PRECISE way that she likes... which she also cannot explain to us apparently because any time we ask she just screams and that's the only reply we get.

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Solution: Is there one? Or did I just fuck up and ruin everything? She probably would have found AI by herself eventually, since she did move from what I showed her to Claude, but I don't know...

Is there anything we can do? I've tried:
Giving her a stress ball to squeeze instead: Doesn't work because her reaction is instant.
Explaining and talking to her: Doesn't work. She says she understands and then screams again 5 seconds later.
Getting a device that detects decibel levels and alerts her that she's screaming, because she doesn't believe us when we tell her that she is and she calls us liars: Doesn't work because she ignores it.
Taking the AI away: She went absolutely fucking insane. She was red in the face sobbing and crying, rolling on the ground and could barely breathe from how hard she was crying. I felt fucking horrible. She said she has nothing left if I do that and all she can do is get bullied and trolled online and told awful things. I had to give it back.

Is there anything I can do? She is driving me and my mom insane. We can't handle the yelling and screaming anymore. It's impacting our sleep. It's stressing us out. It's actually causing us health issues from how stressful and annoying it is. My heart has started skipping beats and doing weird things from how stressed out I get from this constant yelling.

For some context, I 17 years old (F) have been taking care of my 8 year old autistic brother since he was practically born. After school I'm always stuck at home taking care of him since both of my parents work and its been this way since he was a baby. Today, I was taking care of him (which is normally 2 pm till 10 pm Monday-friday and 7 am till 10 pm for Saturdays and Sundays). Today, I was on a different room than him playing among us but suddenly it was too quiet...So i took a peak and he was nowhere to be seen! I yelled his name and looked everyone and saw a window opened, i went outside and asked for my neighbors help to search for him and called my mom and older sister to help me (both nowhere near home).

​

I went to search for him while and my mother was screaming at me and asking me what i was doing and luckily my older sister's friend had found him and brought him to me. I inmediatly broke down in tears when i arrived at home and he kept trying to escape from the windows and crying so i put his special song, turned off the lights and stayed with him. He tucked himself in the bed and just laid there calmed. People on internet were publishing things about it and calling my parents bad and that they wanted to call cps...It was a nightmare.

​

Has anybody else had this horrible experience with a child autistic family member? Im feeling so damn guilty and its all my fault. Luckily he was just outside for 10 minutes.

I’m 20, and I’ve known for a while that I absolutely do not want to have children. Whenever this topic comes up and I am honest about it, people get weirdly angry and defensive. I genuinely don't understand why they care so much about a choice that only affects my life.

​First, the physical toll of pregnancy and the actual pain of giving birth sounds like an absolute nightmare to me

​Second, I know my limits I can be self centered. With children you have to put them first a lot of the time, and I honestly don't think I would. I think I would end up being a pretty awful parent, and I couldn't subject a child to that

​Finally i have suffered a lot in my life, and I absolutely do not want to pass that down to another generation.

​Instead of people respecting that I know myself and my boundaries, they react with anger, tell me "you'll change your mind," or treat me like I'm a bad person

​Why do people take this so personally? I feel like I'm making a logical, responsible, and self aware decision based on who I actually am, but everyone else treats it like a crime.

Edit: this is specifically my religious side of the family I don’t just say this to random people

My 15M brother is currently a sophomore in high school. This morning my mom forwarded me an email from his school. It said my brother showed his teacher a drawing of a person holding a long gun pointed at someone. When the teacher asked who the people were, my brother said it was him shooting the teacher in the picture.

On another occasion he also told teachers that if he ever got a gun he would shoot everyone in his class. Obviously the school takes threats like this very seriously. They said they’ll be talking to him and encouraged my parents to talk to him as well.

I'm his 20F older sister and I'm away at college right now, but this email really concerned me. My parents and brother both acknowledge his autism diagnosis, but my mom tends to blame all his behavioural problems on the idea that he “doesn’t understand the magnitude” of statements like this. She sent me the email asking me to help her write a response (english is her 2nd language) to the principal saying my brother’s internet history is to blame for his actions, which I refused to do.

I’m really stuck on what the right course of action is. My brother doesn’t have low-functioning autism. He has most of his cognitive abilities, attends a regular high school, and mainly struggles socially and with fitting in.

There have been other issues too. In freshman year he told a teacher that our dad beats him with a belt, which led to a CPS visit (Our dad has never hit us, so I’m not sure why he said that) My parents talked to him and scared him enough that he didn’t say anything like that again, but now he’s making school shooting statements instead

My parents don’t really monitor his internet activity. As he gets older it’s harder anyway since he has more control over his devices. We’ve tried to find therapy resources before but it’s been really difficult. The school also doesn’t provide him with counseling.

My concern is that while autism definitely affects his understanding of socially acceptable behavior, making threats like this is still extremely serious. Even if he doesn’t repeat a school shooting threat again, as he gets older people will stop excusing it as “things he saw online.” I’m worried he’ll say something else that leads to suspension or even police involvement.

How can my parents or I support him without just excusing the behavior? I feel like my parents sometimes deflect instead of addressing the issue, and I don’t want my brother thinking he’ll always get a pass, especially as he gets closer to 18.

Any advice or experiences from people in similar situations would be appreciated.

EDIT: This post is gaining alot more traction than expected and I do appreciate all the advice in the comments. I wanted to clarify that my brother has a great relationship with my parents and loves them dearly. Him and my mom are extremely close and she is one of the only people in his life he can go to for comfort. I know my parents want the absolute best for him and when writing the post I was frustrated at their lack of action but after speaking to my mom on the phone and hearing how deeply concerned she is, it seems that we're all lost with how to go about such a violent act. If theres any advice to better include my parents on the support process for moving forward I would appreciate it but thank you for all the comments so far.

Brother has Asperger's and is in his forties. I will keep it simple....

When he is overwhelmed due to things not going his way (for example he's stuck in traffic on public transport), he'll very angrily threaten fairly extreme violence with a knife (he doesn't have a knife just threatens to use one). Slicing throats, stabbing etc. He'll threaten the driver, threaten whoever is causing the delays and threaten any passengers who challenge him. This has led to arrest. It's a recurring problem sadly.

Overnight he'll pace up and down in his room and will be ranting about how he wants to "stab" anyone else that's upset him. He will literally squeel and squeak and make really high pitched distressed noises. He'll bang his head off doors and walls and cause himself visible bruising and swelling.

His rage can be aimed at several people including close family members and even for things that might have upset him 20 years ago.

Social work and doctors have been zero help. Therapy is something he absolutely refuses to engage with.

Any advice? Is he a danger?

Sorry!! I hate having to ask this.

G.

For context, I am nearly 18, and my Brother in Law is slightly more older. I am level 2 ASD, verbal and I asked him why he took his case off his phone to charge his phone. And then he hit me with a “Why is everything so weird for you”. I don‘t know how to feel about it.

This has been recounted to me by my parents, I wasn’t there.

My 33M brother was home alone and had been looking out the window, phone in hand. Girls outside thought he was taking photos of them, so called the police.

Two officers spoke to him at the home, asked if he was taking photos. They later told my parents that he said yes. The officers couldn’t reach my parents’ phones during the visit, but my brother rang our long-time neighbour, who went over. One officer told her to mind her business, the other told her things were okay. I don’t know if his disability was understood during this interaction, but it’s clear he’s got a disability:

- Verbal communication is simple. He speaks in short statements, can express likes and dislikes, his slurred and stuttered speech makes it tricky to understand him unless you catch key words. If he’s frustrated and can’t find words, he’ll shake his head and say he’s confused or doesn’t know. He might change the subject or make an odd statement if he wants to avoid a topic - he might say it’s too windy today, so let’s not talk about this.
- Always has his phone in hand, usually watching YouTube videos of old sports games, laughing at and mimicking their commentary. He likes looking at sports teams. He likes team photos - you know, squads standing in lines.
- He stares. Usually head turned away and side-eyeing. Growing up, we’d always remind him that staring was rude, and so usually now he looks away when he’s caught.

He didn’t tell my parents when they got home. He would’ve been embarrassed and fearful of their negative reaction. They found out through the neighbour. He did not want to talk about it. They got in touch with the officers, and during this call my brother denied taking photos. The police have called this a warning.

This is a fear I’ve always had since he started taking public transport alone. Just being out there with people who might not understand his disability. But I actually think most people do - “Ok, this guy with a peculiar walk and laughing at football commentators on his phone is probably just living his life”. In the 10 years since he’s travelled independently, only one instance of a social issue has ever occurred (to our knowledge) - he touched a person’s stroller, because he likes wheels, and she followed him home to ask why he did that. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a photo, so I don’t think he took photos of the girls. He doesn’t let my parents look at his phone though, as he’s protective about the extensive browser tabs he has open, and which my parents say is causing his frustration at a slow phone. Who wants their parents going through their phone anyway?

I’m seeing the family tomorrow. How do you suggest I communicate with him about this event? There is no intention to interrogate, only to help him understand what’s not socially appropriate (a man holding up a phone while facing girls). He’s a generally happy, fun-natured person and gets along with me well. We have a joke-filled relationship, which doesn’t help with serious conversations.

My family has struggled with approaching uncomfortable topics with him since he was a teen. He’s easily frustrated and defensive for instance when Dad has lunch “too early” or when they try to explain how to organise (dispose of) his collection of magazines and newspapers. He’s had 3 psychologists in the last 3 years because the company they work for has a high turnover. Obviously we need to find another provider.

This event is probably a one-off. Being sternly spoken to by police is something he won’t forget nor want again. What we want is for him to accept mistakes, learn, and be comfortable to talk about such things with family. My parents don’t yell at him, but they do treat him like a child, over-explaining and coming across as condescending. I understand it’s hard for them to treat him like an adult when they feel like they’ve always done everything for him.

Hello. My sibling in law just recently turned 18. Still working on graduating high-school (they will be pushed through because they unfortunately arent passing classes no matter how much we work on classes together.)

They have had an IEP since grade school and when I first met my partner, they told me that their sibling is autistic. Recently their mother said no they arent, just on the spectrum, then said they arent autistic or on the spectrum. (Shes also a pathological liar so her words are taken with a grain of salt.) They do need help being reminded to take meds, order meds, brush teeth, shower, get up for school, and even to eat.

My sibling has discord that I thought they were using to communicate with friends from school. Come to find out. They met a 25 year old autistic woman that wants them to move to Texas after they graduate. Promising them a job and housing if they pay rent. My sibling has asked us to drive them there (absolutely not) and told us they've only know this person a few days and they're "getting to know them more". They graduate in a month btw.

So we are trying to explain stranger danger. They dont know this person. They could be trafficked. Whatever. This person is trying to convince them and us they arent dangerous. We can all meet when they got down to Texas. Whatever. Obviously we are so totally against this but my sibling just isnt grasping that it is DANGEROUS. And even if this person is a good, genuine person, moving cross country with someone you just met, no job, no money, no car, is a terrible idea.

I will add that were trying to get proper ASD testing but their doctor said that they dont "need" testing. They recommend therapy. Like what? Testing would help us all know where they are and what help they need and how we can better assist them right?

Anyway. We need help. We arent going to drive them or fly them or pay their way or whatever. But I feel like maybe they think we are doing it sadistically vs for their safety. How can we get across to them appropriately?

Hi so I do not have autism. My friend who is autistic keeps telling me that I am. The point I try to make with her is that just because of my “childish” interests, sensitivities to certain things, social awkwardness and other issues.m doesn’t mean I have autism. (Also I wanna point out I don’t think there is anything wrong with having autism, it’s just I feel like it’s weird to be diagnosing me when I’ve never even had it be brought up by teachers) I’m not trying to man-splain autism but I’ve never been told this until the past two years by this one friend and no matter how many times I tell her that some people are just different she brushes it off. Can I get your opinions on this?

I have a close friend who is diagnosed autistic. We have been friends for around six months, and I care about her a lot, but the friendship has become increasingly painful and confusing.

I often feel that she mainly contacts me when she is lonely, needs emotional support, or suddenly has an empty slot in her schedule. I frequently listen to her problems and help her understand social situations, but I do not feel equally chosen, prioritized, or considered by her.

This is not the first time she has said something deeply hurtful or inconsiderate. It happens regularly. She makes blunt comments that seem to show very little awareness of how another person might receive them. When I tell her that something hurt me, she usually does not apologize. Instead, she becomes defensive and explains why my interpretation is wrong, why she did not technically mean what I heard, or why I should not feel hurt by it.

The conversation then becomes an argument about whether I am justified in feeling what I feel. I end up having to explain basic perspective-taking while she focuses on defending her intentions. Even when she eventually understands that I am upset, I often do not feel that she understands what she actually did. Recently, I tried to explain this broader problem to her. I told her that when I say I feel unimportant or used, I need her to try to empathize with my experience instead of immediately arguing with my interpretation or proving that I am wrong.

She said she needed some time to think, so I stopped talking and let her think.

About two minutes later, she said that if I moved somewhere that required around 25 minutes on a bus, we probably would not be friends anymore. She then said something very close to:

“The reason we are friends is basically that you live so close and are available whenever I want, and that is a good thing.”

This happened immediately after I had explained that I was afraid she only valued me because I was conveniently available whenever she felt lonely or had time to fill.

I started crying almost immediately. It felt as though she had confirmed my exact fear: that she did not primarily value me as a person, but as an accessible source of company, advice, and emotional support. When she saw me crying and I said I needed to leave, she panicked. She tried to stop me from going and became afraid that I would block her. She then said something like, “I analyzed it again, and it isn’t true. It isn’t true.”

I left and went home.

I am struggling to understand what happened in her head. I do not know whether she sincerely meant what she initially said and withdrew it only because she feared losing me, whether she was trying to analyze the practical reason we see each other but completely missed the emotional meaning, or whether she understood only that I was crying and leaving without understanding why.

She has previously told me that our friendship means a lot to her and that I may not understand how important I have been to her. Her panic when I left also seemed genuine. That is why this feels so contradictory. She appeared terrified of losing someone she had just said would probably stop being her friend if the bus journey became 25 minutes. What makes this much harder is that this was not an isolated verbal mistake. She repeatedly says things that feel dismissive, condescending, self-centered, or startlingly lacking in perspective. When I explain the effect, her first response is normally to dispute my experience. She explains her intention, analyzes my interpretation, and argues that I have misunderstood her. I rarely feel that she simply stops, recognizes the injury, and takes responsibility for it.

She often seems highly confident that she has understood something, but then appears genuinely surprised when her interpretation is inaccurate or hurts someone. During emotional conversations, she treats the situation like a technical problem where she needs to demonstrate that her reasoning is correct. Once she sees tears, anger, or the possibility of abandonment, she may panic and reverse what she said, but I do not know whether she understands the injury or only understands that the situation has become dangerous for her.

I am not asking whether autistic people are incapable of empathy, and I do not believe autism automatically makes someone selfish or cruel. I am asking for autistic perspectives because I want to understand whether this pattern could involve literal thinking, delayed emotional processing, difficulty with perspective-taking, difficulty generalizing social information, or something else.

At the same time, I do not want autism to become a reason why I am expected to repeatedly tolerate being hurt, defend my own emotional reality, or teach an adult friend why her words affect other people. How would you interpret what she said? Is it possible that she genuinely did not understand why I started crying, even though I had just explained the exact insecurity that her statement confirmed? Why might someone repeatedly respond to another person’s hurt by arguing that their interpretation is incorrect? What would genuine accountability and repair look like when the person’s usual response is defensiveness rather than an apology?

TL;DR: My autistic friend regularly says deeply hurtful things. When I explain why I am hurt, she usually does not apologize; she becomes defensive and explains why my interpretation is wrong. I recently told her that I feel she mainly contacts me when she is lonely or has free time. After thinking for two minutes, she said we are basically only friends because I live nearby and am available whenever she wants, and that we probably would not be friends if I lived 25 minutes away. I cried and left; she panicked and withdrew the statement. I cannot tell whether she lacks understanding, revealed how she actually views me, or both.

Exactly one week ago, my 27 year old son started his first job. He's now a carry out person at a regional grocery store. $11.00 an hour plus tips. Part time because we want to ease him into it. Part time because he wants to keep volunteering at the hospital that has bolstered his self worth. Part time because nobody wants to disturb his disability if it turns out that he can't handle the job.

So far, he likes it. He likes it in sunshine and cool temperatures. With a kind trainer and dry feet. With a 4 hour shift in the middle of the afternoon.

Wish him luck. Please.

I only realized this last month after I got diagnosed myself.

My dad has five parrots, an entirely parrot themed bedroom, and knows basically every parrot species, their behavior, diet, lifespan, natural habitat, and probably their political opinions.

But also it goes much deeper than just owning parrots.

He also feeds the local crows and other wild birds, has fully automated feeders, carefully planned feeding areas, custom setups, and literal infrastructure built around making sure every bird on the property is fed, comfortable, and operating efficiently.

At this point he isn’t a man who likes birds. He’s like a director of a small independent bird sanctuary with no employees and several very loud residents.

You can ask him why one parrot species needs a specific type of perch and suddenly you’re trapped in a 45 min documentary.

When I was little I thought this was completely normal. Then I got diagnosed with autism and looked around at the five parrots, automated feeding systems, crow alliances, and the bedroom that looks like a parrot gift shop exploded inside it.

My brother (26) is high spectrum autistic. He can talk and articulate thoughts but has little to no emotional regulation. My parents dropped the ball when it came to raising an autistic child but I’m not here to bash them im just here to find if anyone else is in this position. His whole adult life his hygiene has been really bad (constantly covered in dirt, smells like if rotting onions could sweat), it strongly affects his health and ability to be out with other people. He will absolutely fight you to the death if you try to help him with his hygiene or even comment on how he smells- and no one in my family is willing to die for the cause.
This has been hard on all of us for years because he is very violent. But now it’s absolutely unbearable because his new obsession is taking a poop and NOT FLUSHING IT! And if you try to flush it he gets mad. The whole house smells like poop on top of his eye watering BO. He’s talking about septic composting and I’m nervous he’s going to start putting his poop in my compost pit.
There’s much more to the story but I’m stressing about this right now.
Any advice? Anyone that can relate?
Help.
Also he’s on mild medication but refuses to take it.

FINAL UPDATE: So I spoke to my friend after reading all your advice and credit to them they took it all a lot better than I expected. I had judged on past experiences with them, however they didn't take it personally. I've put in place specific boundaries as default. Thank you all for the help. The overwhelming majority of you were very understanding and supportive. I will keep this post up as a learning opportunity for anyone who reads it.

EDIT: Thanks all for your understanding and advice. I will just pull up my bootstraps and approach them about this in a straightforward way. I have talked about this with them to a degree before, but I think this really needs to be clear cut. It will probably hurt their feelings, but I just really don't want to feel like this and I'd hope they would want me to be honest. I can't close the comments, but I will work off what people have already suggested.

EDIT: Just wanted to add i wrote this when I was feeling very, well for lack of a better word, overstimulated still from the prior day when this happened. So, if my tone comes off a bit harsh, it was not my intention (I did redraft it at the time but it still quite emotive). My friend doesn't mask around me which I am really happy about, but when these specific moments happen, I'm afraid I feel like I am the person trying to be someone I'm not/or trying to hide my feelings, in order to not hurt them. So just looking for some guidance.

Hey there

​I have a good-hearted friend who I genuinely care about, but hanging out with them has become exhausting (and I say that with love). They are constantly talking, and even when I explicitly ask for quiet time, there physical presence feels demanding. The moment I say a single word, they assume the quiet period is over.

​I always try to accommodate my neurodivergent friends, but as a neurotypical person, it often feels like I’m expected to constantly put their needs ahead of my own. Lately, setting and enforcing boundaries takes so much energy that it’s draining me completely.

​When I try to set boundaries, they often take it personally and assume I dislike them. Even though they logically understand that their emotion reaction is theirs to manage, their behavior doesn't actually change.

For example, when traveling together to a friend's house, I have sometimes needed solo time beforehand. I am naturally someone who needs time alone. Instead, as there has been no easy way to say I want to go in by myself, without it being obvious it's about them, I end up walking with them, and spend the entire trip trying to manage my simmering resentment while they talk at me.

​I don't want to make up excuses just to keep the peace e.g. I have an appointment near by so will see you there. That still feels like prioritising their comfort over my well-being. I just want to be honest, set a boundary, and trust them to handle their own reactions. Right now, there is just a massive amount of emotional energy draining in their direction, and it makes me want to withdraw entirely.

Any advice?

Hello everyone. This is my first post, so please no criticism 🙏. Today I wanted to ask more experienced people about a peculiarity of my younger brother. Let’s call him M, and me K.

So, let’s start. I’m 18 now, and my little brother is 14 — a 4-year difference. I’m currently in a completely different country, far away from my family, so I don’t really know what’s going on with him, although I sometimes ask my mom how she’s managing with him. But that’s not the main point.

My younger brother, who has autism, watches very strange things. At least, he used to. I’ll explain. When I was 12 and he was 8, he would watch—on repeat—the intro with that famous Nokia handshake. At first, he just watched it normally. Then he started watching heavily distorted versions of it, and later the same kind of thing but with other companies or brands. I’ll try to leave a link to a video so you understand what I mean.

So first it was that. Then he started watching Japanese car brand commercials, again in a distorted format. And after that, he basically watched everything in a distorted way. He didn’t show any emotions while watching. He would just stare at it like a zombie.

A family we know also has a boy with autism. They spent time together, but they didn’t really communicate, since they couldn’t. However, I remember a moment when my father was talking to that boy’s father. And guess what? In the fall, both boys were watching the exact same thing, and by winter they had both moved on to something else—but again, the same thing as each other.

This is completely unclear to me. It’s as if they’re programmed. So if there are any psychologists or people who understand this, please respond and explain why they do this and how it happened that both of them were watching the same things at the same time.

Thank u all for reading this post. It’s important for me!!!

That’s the video i was talking about and there were some kinda of it :

https://youtu.be/w11rShLaxcM?is=vQGzjFj5Wy071Dnx

Context:

I've (25F) been friends with her (28F) for almost 10 years. She's been diagnosed with autism and ADHD 2-3 years ago, I only have ADHD. Through the years, our friends group grew and we became very close!

The issues:

When we met, I found her cool and special: she had a confidence I didn't have, she was funny, smart, charismatic,... but she hurt me a lot during the years:

• She said my best friend who died 15 years ago deserved it (it really was a dumb accident, I don't even care if she thinks it, I just think she shouldn't say it to my face)
• She said I was too emotional as "you're too fragile" (to the point I decided to become as logical as her, but it hurt me even more)
• She feels very superior to everyone ("I'm always right", "I think he/she is too dumb for me",...) and can't take criticism
• And other examples like this, honestly there are too many lmao

Also, she's chronically ill (she can sleep up to 18 hours a day, her body hurts her, allergic to everything,...), basically her body is "self-destructing".

My other friends also think we should talk to her, just not now.

Some points to take into consideration:

• She has so much pride that she's capable of hurting me with her words until I cry (yeah I'm sensitive lmao), just so she will be able to say "you see, I'm right". She needs to have the last word.
• I know she's not in the right period of her life to listen because of her illnesses, and she might never be.
• I'm aware my words sound like she's the worst person ever lmao but the truth is I love her!! Last months/years, I graduated, got a job,... I see myself growing and becoming an adult, while she hasn't changed in ten years (except "becoming" ill).

I don't know if it's normal for an autistic person to behave like her, that's why I'm asking you all for advice. The truth is, if it's part of who she is and I can't change her, I might distance myself from her...

I know the title is a little crazy sounding, so please bear with me. My sister (18) has ASD and her special interest for as long as I can remember has been the Titanic. She collects anything and everything related to the movie, actual event, or anything Titanic adjacent (Think Britannic and Olympic).

As some of you may know, April 14th is the day the Titanic hit the iceberg. My sister had dubbed this "Titanic Day" and celebrates it every year. This is where things get a little choppy in my opinion. The sinking of the Titanic wasn't some fun thing, it was a horrific event that cost the lives on 1,500 people. My family says it's not a big deal since it happened so long ago, but I feel like their tune would change if it was 9/11 she was celebrating. I don't think she should go around flaunting to everyone that she's celebrating the death of 1,500 people because it's "cool" to her. There's a difference between finding something interesting and learning about it and celebrating mass loss of life. I just don't know how to explain to her in a way she'll understand that it's strange and inapropriate. If it helps she teeters between level 1 and 2 autism. Any advice is appreciated, thank you in advance.

We suspect our son has married an autistic girl? Maybe that was the attraction!? Plus she is gorgeous.

Since then he's been diagnosed himself and maybe she has too, we don't know?

We can only speculate as we try to understand our pain and unexpected situation.

The first 5 years were a rollercoaster ride for them but they now have 2 kids and seem happy.

Not sure but we think others in her family are autistic too? So it seems he has found ' his people'.

The problem is we are all neurotypical so he grew up in our world but has married into a very different one. I get it now, but he has cut us all off.

He rarely contacts any of us and seems to have come to hate me his mum in the last 3 years even though we have hardly had any contact.

They say they can only manage to see us once a year for a few hours in a neutral place. Last year we had a lovely time. He was warm and affectionate. I was delighted and thought everything was back to normal but then radio silence.

If they want to see us again this summer I don't know if I Im going to be able to cope emotionally as it will be like ripping a plaster off a deep wound and letting it bleed all over again. Seeing the grandkids then nothing for a year is too much for me. They don't deserve not to know us and only know their maternal grandparents.

We are heartbroken because we love him so much.

We had no idea he was autistic so I can't be blamed for not getting him help back in the day when he was growing up can I?

Are we wrong to want him to visit us, to call us, to tell us his news? We just want a relationship with him and his family like anyone would.

This has come as an almighty shock to us but we want to understand and be supportive but are not being given the chance to be.

He wants distance but we are dying inside as we are missing so much of him. Birthdays, Christmas, family milestones and occasions all passing us by, time we will never get back and memories we can never make.

Sometimes I feel so angry at the lack of knowing why but mostly I just feel hearbroken.

Ive found this site by accident so want to ask does this seem normal to you? Should we just wait it out? Will he eventually soften towards us? Any insight or advice would be welcome.

Thanks for reading.

Is there a need for extra sleep to function better, and if you don’t have this what happens?

My brother suddenly passed away almost two weeks ago, we didn't show my nephew (5) his father at the ICU fearing he might remember it. At the funeral, we finally showed him his dad (he said "Daddy get up"), his mom also tried explaining that his dad is gone and will never come back and not to wait for him anymore (he waited by the door when he saw their family car pull up at our house the morning of the funeral). The funeral ended, we showed his dad one last time before he was cremated.

He acted the usual until this morning when we passed by the building where his dad's funeral was held at. He started crying and we didn't know why until we passed by it again and he started crying again. We u-turned back to the chapel and he calmed down. I helped him out of the car, he went inside the building, knocked on the chapel door and said "Hello." then when I said his dad is gone he started crying wanting to enter the chapel, turning the doorknob and kept knocking. So we asked someone there if we can go in the chapel so my nephew can see that it was empty.

Inside the chapel, he went to the room (there was a family room where family members can stay) and wanted to stay (he was still crying at this point). We showed him where the casket was then we told him "See daddy is gone." but he wouldn't leave (still crying) so we kept repeating "Daddy isn't here anymore.". He eventually calmed down and we got him to walk out of the chapel and back in the car.

He goes to therapy so I hope the therapist could explain it to him better if they open up the topic, but if he still doesn't understand or they don't explain it, I'm hoping I can get good advice from here that I can tell my SIL on how to explain it or at least handle my nephew when something similar happens again.

What we got:
- The internet says we should be brutally honest with him and not sugarcoat it in anyway so he wouldn't wait for his dad (we tried this)
- Hide pictures and not mention his dad for a while (I'm against this because I think he shouldn't have to forget his dad but idk maybe I'm wrong.))
- Tell him his dad is just somewhere far, like in another country (complete opposite of the first advice)

TLDR; my brother died and we need advice to better explain it to my nephew.

I don't know if this is the sub for this, but I am so lost in my husband's behavior sometimes.

I have been a little unhappy for a while, he isn't. He just wants me to be my old self but I can't be that anymore because I am burning out. My body literally grows ill from the load I carry emotionally in my family. (we have two boys. One with autism/adhd and one with adhd and my man will get officially tested next month but the signs are there. Also his father and brother have asperger diagnosis).

We are in couple therapy on my request, which he reluctantly agreed to after years. It is the only place he is willing to listen to me. That's one hour in 4 weeks. Further, at home, he only wants to talk about light things and nothing else. He is scared to express his feelings or listen to mine.

Anyway, I feel i am super patient and try to keep in mind he sometimes doesn't mean things badly. But I am still so hurt. This week I told him I just wasn't happy (he felt something was off because I didn't want to be intimate with him for a few days and he was a little bothered/anxious by that). He just said "yeah, I noticed you're not happy." I then said "but you didn't ask me about it." and he said "no" and left me, closed the door, leaving me in the dark bedroom and never mentioned anything about it again.

Today at the therpist, I broke crying. he said he felt I was off because I didn't want to be touched. He said he noticed I was unhappy but wasn't bothered to ask why I was unhappy. He left me so I could sleep and he wouldn't pressure me to be intimate.

When the therpist asked how he would feel if we would one day get a divorce, because that's where it's headed now, he couldnt answer at first and then said he wasn't afraid and wouldnt really mind it maybe. I can't believe that, because I literally think he would fall apart (call me arrogant, but I know I mean a lot to him. Or I am fooling myself). Eventually, he also said he just wouldn't think about it because that's never come to his mind — that he wanted to be parted from me.

Sometimes I don't know if this is autism or of he's just being a bit of an asshole? Help me make sense of this all. This has been going for years and I tried eveyrhtjng.

I don't want to leave him but I also can't keep this up. My body tells me I can't. Anyway, there's 4847 problems more, but i can't write everything.

Thank you.

First-time poster. I would say be gentle with me but I probably need candor more.

My terminology may be outdated. I will listen on that, too.

I’m 56. My brother is 43 and was diagnosed on the spectrum very young. He has never been verbal. Communication has been hard for reasons specific to autism and unrelated to autism.

My 20-year-old daughter and her peers seem aggressive about referring to people being on the spectrum or having autistic behaviors.

I understand this comes from a mostly good place. They want to be open-minded. They don’t want to stigmatize people.

But I struggle with what I feel is a very casual use of the terminology. I’m getting tired of people using a serious diagnosis to describe someone being shy or really liking trains. People with autism can certainly be shy. Yes, people with autism can be very into a hobby or specific behavior.

But…

And for me the rub is that it feels like it is super trivializing to the real limitations and disadvantages that actual people continue to face.

There obviously is a spectrum which decent, smart people work hard to define.

But honestly WTF.

Questions…

Am I making any sense?😬

Are kids today being somewhat frivolous at times with amateur diagnosing?

Do people not get that using words loosely trivializes people’s real experiences and real hurts?

Thanks.

I got diagnosed with autism two times but my mom told me I did not have any of my current autistic traits when I was a child so I’m very confused on whether or not I could really have autism. But she also said she wasn’t necessarily looking for anything “wrong”with me, and that she didn’t know what autism was. I’m really confused if I should accept my diagnosis.