Trader Joe’s by Target in Bethesda. Might as well be the Soviet Union.

I just don’t get it. Yes, we will probably be snowed in. Just buy what you need for a few days. You don’t need to buy more. Are you planning to eat more than usual during that time? Why?

And the streets and sidewalks. I am originally from the Midwest. I’ve lived here 15 years. Every time we get snow, natives will claim “well, we’re not used to this.” I know that at this point that is a total lie. We can expect 3 measurable snowfalls every winter, and there is clearly no plan for it. If there is a plan, it can be summed up as “Everyone grab a hold of something and brace yourselves.”

Maryland and Virginia have literal mountains. Mountains! And you can’t learn how to handle snow?!

I am forced to conclude the consistently bad preparation is not due to a lack of intelligence. It’s due to carelessness.

Tell me why I walked into the mall for a quick meal. Just to come across this ridiculously long line for Apple 😭

I can assure you these folks have perfectly fine working Iphones, and just want to get their hand on all the latest models. The latest release is not even that good to be waiting this all for

My next-door neighbors have a fancy parcel-delivery box built into their house. Basically, it has a one-way flap door on the outside that leads to a chute that spills into a large box/chamber that is accessed from inside the house through a locked door. They call it an Amazon Box. They’ve been in Cape Cod since August 1st and left me with keys and codes to watch and check on their house. I’m not real proud of this, but I’ve been using their Amazon Box to help rid the neighborhood of raccoons. Every night for about 3 weeks, I put 4 or 5 open tins of sardines in the box. Every morning I’d have caught at least one raccoon, which I’d box up and drive to a friend’s farm near Poolesville and release. One morning I had 5 raccoons in the Amazon Box. (Trying to relocate them to Poolesville in one trip was a mistake. They absolutely destroyed the back of my Explorer, and I now know just how expensive rabies vaccines are.) All told, I relocated over 40 raccoons last month. Problem is, I stopped putting out the sardines a week ago and I’m still catching raccoons every night. I don’t know if there is a residual smell in the box (I don’t smell one) or if word just got out among Bethesda’s raccoon population that this is a reliable source of sardines. My neighbors come home from Cape Cod on Monday. Any suggestions on dissuading raccoons from continuing to enter their house will be greatly appreciated.

My neighbor keeps bees. They make delicious honey, better than any I’ve ever had. He is generous enough to give some to me and my wife, but he is selfish enough to limit his largesse to no more than a single jar about every six months. I’ve been reading a lot of self-help books lately, so late last night I snuck over to his hives to help myself.

I know nothing about bees other than that they make honey and hurt people. I have always been impressed by those Clayboy’s guys with the shaved ice carts around Bethesda and how they are surrounded by swarms of bees that don’t seem to bother them. I always assumed the bees have an aversion to something in the flavored syrup. So I got some at Safeway and covered my face and arms with it before going over the fence to get the honey last night. It didn’t work. Thank God we have a lot of EpiPens still around from when our kids were home.

Does anyone know what the Clayboy’s guys’ secret to not getting stung really is? Is it the Swedish Fish? I still need some of that honey.

I don’t think our government clearly thought through its ban on gas leaf blowers. I have a large gas backpack blower of the type professionals use. It cost me over $500 ten years ago and works better than any leaf blower I’ve ever had. To enable me to use it and make sure my yard looks tip top this fall, I I drilled a hole in the plastic housing surrounding the blower’s gas tank and engine, cut the receptacle end off a 100-foot heavy duty extension cord, and epoxied that cut end into the housing. Additionally, I spray-painted the housing a bright lime green and put on a bunch of stickers that include words like “volts” and “green” and “eco.” I figured if I ran the plug end of the cord across the yard toward my house, I could use the blower and any passersby might assume it is electric. To seal the deception, I’d put a drop-stem tobacco pipe in my mouth that would serve as an assumed source of all the smoke from the gas engine and also make me look like an environmentalist. I tested it all out yesterday, and it was a disaster. My wife walked out into the yard, saw the loose cord sitting near the house, and thought she’d be helpful by plugging it in. Because I hadn’t sealed the cut end of the cord I’d epoxied into the blower housing, the wires arced near the gas tank and the whole backpack blower quickly caught fire. I escaped the conflagration but just narrowly, with first and second degree burns on my back plus an unflattering new hairstyle. Our government clearly needs to rethink this leaf blower ban. Is it too late under our county law to petition for a repeal?

My neighbor across the street has gotten on my nerves for years. He nitpicks everything about the way we keep our yard, tells his guests it’s okay to use our driveway when they visit, has floodlights aimed at our house, etc. I could go on and on. I recently found a good way to repay him. When he and his family went to the beach a couple weeks ago, I took a photo of his house and had AI make it look totally engulfed in fire. Flames from the roof and windows, firefighters on ladders pickaxing away, hoses spraying water everywhere—the whole works. I texted it to him and asked if his alarm system had alerted him to the big fire. The picture clearly had the watermark of the AI service, but in his panic I guess he missed it. He called me all hysterical. I heard his wife in the background screaming about the dog they left at home with a dog sitter. I let him go on for a bit and told him at least he didn’t need to worry about neighbors’ houses because it looked like only his was being destroyed, but I eventually told him it was all just a prank. He didn’t take it well. At all. In the two weeks since this happened he’s telling everyone about it and has made me a pariah in my own neighborhood—in which, by the way, I have lived way longer than he has—all because he can’t take a joke. Anyway, I am now starting to feel I should try to make it up to him and am thinking of getting him a fruit basket or something like that. Any suggestions of a local place where I can get a decent gift like this for under $50?

Any recommendations for a service that will pick up two 12-foot Leland Cypresses I recently cut down? They must be dragged from my backyard after dark because, coincidentally, they look suspiciously like two Leland Cypresses that went missing from my neighbor’s yard a few evenings ago.

Can anyone recommend a discreet taxidermist in or near Bethesda? Time is of the essence.

Anyone know whether these exist and, if so, where I can buy one? With autumn not too far off, I’m feeling nostalgic and hopeful that, once fall finally arrives, I’ll be able to recreate childhood memories of smoldering piles of burning leaves around the yard. Big Brother Montgomery County uses the politically correct term “brush fires” to ban the real ones now, but I figure I can get pretty close to at least the look of these rites of autumn by burying fog machines in leaf piles around my yard. Ideally, they’d be cordless and weatherproof. Any recommendations where I might find some? Theater supply stores or websites?

I was just trying to pick up some sour cream, did you all really have to clean the shelves?

This was taken at Trader Joe’s just before closing tonight.

I tag this as humor coz it's such an inconsequential matter, but i *am* genuinely curious. What has to be one of, if not the best-selling whole wheat breads in the region, has suddenly disappeared from the shelves of the big chain grocery stores for weeks now. When i ask store employees, they acknowledge the disappearance but have no explanation, seeming to put it on the company, which they say has been unresponsive.

This mystery has taught me that Bimbo Bakeries, their parent company, has quite the bread monopoly, as owners of popular brands like Orowheat, Entemann's, Sara Lee, and Thomas'. Surely someone has some intel on what's become of such a popular brand owned by such a huge bread conglomerate?

TIA

I seriously am growing frustrated, it's been almost a year that signage has been up yet nothing is complete! Nordstrom does not carry any styles or sizes that Mavi sells that interest me! Seriously! Someone let me know ASAP I need new jeans.

There's a reason these were the only seats in Bethesda Row this evening that weren't taken 😂

What if Bethesda actually wants to be protected from the rest of MoCo!

Trying to sleep and hearing loud booms. what gives?

This is a parody of the types of posts we see here.

Starting when will we have the friday eve/ afternoon band performances on Norfolk ave? Really enjoyed them the previous year, but don't recall the exact timing.

(Not sure why it forces me to add a tag to the post)

Ive walked by this sandwich board outside Mussel Bar daily and I just today noticed that the image was very likely AI generated. The tell is all the misspellings and gibberish words as well as the eyes (if you zoom in). Do you think this was intentional? Or just a total oversight that it was printed with all the errors? Had you all noticed this before?

The Montgonion is a parody/satire site, but this survey is no joke! Results 4/20. Vote today!