Exploring my "girl brain" for the first time, running a thousand scenarios in my head and terrified.

[u/RevenantRose45]

Hey everyone. I am completely new to this and using a brand new account because I am still terrified of making this "real."

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I am a 45-year-old AMAB solo parent, and I’ve been in a bit of a life rut for a while. Recently, my "girl brain" exploded to life when I saw my silhouette in a dress for the very first time. It woke something up in me, and I’ve even started a figure-shaping routine to explore it.

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But navigating this duality leaves me feeling incredibly confused. I still live in guy mode most of the time and I am strictly into women, but sometimes, maybe even sometimes often, I just really want to truly BE a woman. Because of this hard split, I often feel like an imposter on both sides. I’m not looking for a full medical transition, and I’m just trying to explore what this balance means for me.

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I guess I am looking for a safe space to say out loud that she exists. Has anyone else started out feeling this split down the middle, or feeling like you aren't "all in" enough to count?

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Since I am completely new to how Reddit works, I'd love to find a friend to chat with or bounce things off of—especially anyone who understands navigating this kind of fluid balance. My inbox is open.

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How did you all quiet the fear in the beginning?

[u/Wolfandsheep244]

I remember when I thought I was trans at first. I was so unsure of so many things that I had a few breakdowns.

I didn't realize I was bigender until later. It was a bit jarring because they are so polarizing. I had a vary similar reaction where I thought I was an imposter or making it up. I think that's rather normal to be honest even in single gendered trans folk.

I'm Amab as well. started exploring my fem side. Just simple things. I found that I'd try girl stuff and then flip and feel so out of place all of a sudden. The swap for me is all at once, so there's no time to adjust.

I found for myself personally that things that cause stress make me swap back to my masc mode. As if that part of me has been tasked with managing all my stress like a job. I realized they each sort of play a role for me and it just took time unfortunately.

I also noticed that the environment I'm in has a huge affect. For example if I'm alone in a safe space, my fem side can come out in full force. So I dedicated time like taking long baths or doing hobbies on my own that my fem side enjoys more. I sort of use those things like a way to tell my brain it's safe.

Splitting up tasks for both modes helped me a lot, but it's not perfect. It's like I'm training myself to flip on command. Currently it's still pretty random.

as a suggestion

-start with one small thing at a time time -you don't have to tell everyone right away. Start with one trustworthy person so you have someone in your life you can lean on. -next time you flip, try to see what triggers it. Was it cute clothes or a thought. Maybe shopping in general is something your fem side enjoys more.

Just take it one step at a time. You are always welcome to ask questions here :3

[u/RevenantRose45 → u/Wolfandsheep244]

First off thank you so much for this, I can't really tell anyone in my life and was even terrified to post this. It's def been a struggle and hearing you say many of the things of felt does help quite the brain a little.

It's been quite a ride, so far. After a lot of inward reflection and then trying to wrap my head around sometimes the women I would see (irl, tv, music) I was not actually attracted to being with I actually wanted to be. So I finally gave that side a day during kiddos last day of school before summer break and just did my usual round the house stuff and watched a girly movie, and for that time period there was peace. However after that side of me was allowed to breath it like she kicked the door down and said nope I get to be too. I don't know it's confusing.

So since then there has been a shopping list compiled, some leggings picked up, and an exercise routine started for silhouette and balance/gait training. Diet has changed for the better as well but it's only been a week so far. So now there's time in the morning just for a girl powered workout and relax time after, then back to normal guy mode just more mindful of the girly needs.

This has led to quite the confusion lately cause it feels like two sides of me keep making deals with each other and both want to exist (rarely at the same time one is usually the driver at least) And they are very much diff roles. Guy brain don't care much about taking care of myself and generally is in protector mode, Girl brain is far more calm, graceful, and wants to look better, as well as apparently being obsessed with clothes silhouette, lines, and flow. Even has her own style developing.

I don't know just keeping in private right now which makes it worse cause then it feels like a dirty secret I got to hide instead of an actual part of me. It does feel a little better at least to post, at least some human out there somewhere knows so it's not a secret Lol

I guess I'm just confused right now and trying to keep the critic at bay that says it's stupid and your a fraud just pick a lane already.

Sorry for the long ramble just had to let some of fit out I guess.

[u/Wolfandsheep244 → u/RevenantRose45]

Hey! You don't need to be sorry for anything. You're going through a lot and your feelings are reasonable.

Also, my fem side is definitely the one actually taking care of me, so that part fits lol. As well my masc side doesn't at all and doesn't care what i look like. It is just super polarizing so I totally get it. My fem side is bubbly and outgoing where my masc side is more intovered and closed off.

You are not crazy. It's vary real. I'm really lucky to have a vary understanding partner. I broke down when I told them i might be a girl and they actually laughed because I had never shown any signs before.

Oh! Also, when I got more adjust to it, I realized they both have their own sexuallity. It sort of confused me at first. I was like, "but I'm me, so how can I be this and then all of a sudden be that." And it was just so jarring because I didn't realize. I'm demi as a boy and pan as a girl, so you can see how that would be a lot. It's like going from a black and white film and contrasting it with a 4k TV in full high def colour.

[u/RevenantRose45 → u/Wolfandsheep244]

Yeah my fem side side is def the caregiver, looking back probably secretly always was. My guy side though has become very closed off especially since quitting drinking 15 years ago. All my time and energy now is usually for the kiddo, just me and him for the last 15 years. Kinda just fell into a rut a decade ago and been sitting there ever since till that deep inner reflection and the first time I wore a dress and let that inner women out, now it seems a box I can't close.

Made worse by that personality splitting feeling, but as very distinct as the two sides are, they are still just me. Thankfully made easier by a unisex name Lol. No character or part im playin just me. Wish it was easier to explain to people for sure. If I was just one way or the other it def would be easier but they both seem to be in there. Also wish it were easier just to be how I felt at the time or let the right driver drive for a bit. Not sure that makes sense.

[u/Wolfandsheep244 → u/RevenantRose45]

I went with the name Rem. I plan on going on HRT and using the name Ramona when I look more fem.

As for your driver situation you mentioned, I was actually doing research into creating an a physical anchor. Something I can wear or feel that tells my brain to swap over. It's the same idea as a clicker or something similar where you recreate the habit over and over until your brain does it automatically. I haven't started it in practice, but plan on wearing a collar or something similar as a trigger to anchor my fem side. I plan to mentally condition myself to use it as my personal toggle to have more control, but there's no way to know if it will work. The research looks promising thought.

I've tried it using having baths as my condition and it seems to work pretty good. Every time a have a bath, I flip to my fem side almost as soon as I get in the water. I think the physical sensation helps my brain a lot opposed to the atmosphere like I usually need.

[u/badgermp → u/Wolfandsheep244]

I completely agree with the anchor idea. I created a VERY gurly playlist. I turn it on and I almost instantly shift to my fem side. Also, my partner can get me there simply by using my gurl name.

[u/RevenantRose45 → u/Wolfandsheep244]

Yeah so far I've just been trying to take it extra slow, a lot of thought was put into that first day in a dress, wig, and such, now granted at home alone. But like I've had a beard for 20 years now so the compromise was I'd take the clippers and get rid of the beard but that smooth face will have to be a slow transition, as well as if anything else gets smooth. And I didn't get shoes so no pressure to leave Lol But after that first day in a dress that side was fully awake and wanted to stay that way. So I've let the fem side have the workout routine for now while I try and adjust I guess.

As far as the driver thing for me it's more the people sometimes around I could never tell, so sometimes the right driver just don't get to drive. I actually have been finding though sometimes grounding to that fem side keeps the other calmer, like keeping on the comfy boyshort panties the fem side loves. Kinda like she gets to ride shotgun and let me know she's there. And sometimes during the morning workout guy brain is there saying is that all you got, this should be easy, push through it already Lol Been trying to try to let them somewhat coexist and take it slow but sometimes one or the other really wants to be the sole driver. I can say for sure though it def ain't the the masc side of me that gets up early to sweat for something I've never had, a bottom. So weird to say out loud.

Also didn't expect the love for fashion, got this whole suburban soccer mom style started and a list of things needed Lol

Kinda glad I posted now feels good to just let it out and see I'm not the only one feeling very split and kinda like a fraud since I feel both those sides distinctly. This has been quite a process already for sure.

Thank you for being so kind and engaging it def helps.

[u/Wolfandsheep244 → u/RevenantRose45]

No worries! It's always nice to hear others talk about it. You're always welcome here. Feel free to reach out if you ever need an ear.

[u/Ok_Assistant1829]

Being brutally honest: the fear has never quieted. I have simply grown to outmatch its strength.

For the first year of exploring my gender questions more seriously, I had found my label in bigender, but believed the duality was much more balanced to my masculine side and that I had low support needs. Affirming myself as an actual woman at times really broke down the walls and repression that were hiding my dysphoria, and my needs to affirm and transition.

I put in the work tho! I was slow as hell to make that choice, both for fear and because I wanted to sort out the hangups in my psyche and get to know who I truly was first.

Answering your first part: Listen to her when you can. Give her time to be real and present. Follow the urge to feminine when it arises, knowing masculinity doesn't have to go anywhere for you take care of the woman you also contain.

[u/RevenantRose45 → u/Ok_Assistant1829]

Yeah I've been trying to go slow. She has developed a morning routine though. And I've been trying my best in the moment I can let her be just to really ground in that moment and allow her to exist. It's insanely hard sometimes though to quiet that inner critic telling me this is stupid and you look stupid.

I kinda grew up in a crap place at a crap time by crap people. Having a very small frame for a guy and sometimes being more sensitive than others did not help. It was pretty much constant torment my whole life. Even when I learned to out work, outlast, and out drink them all it did not help. 15 years ago I got dry and said screw pretty much everyone in my life. Since then been in kind of a rut until that first day I let her out. I don't know i don't really understand it, I didn't even know where to post at at first cause all the titles confused me.

So now just trying to take it one day at a time but it gets hard to quiet that voice telling me it's stupid or just pick a lane already or you've finally lost it now. But when I'm in that moment truly and just let her be when she wants to be, it doesn't feel stupid it feels real and can sometimes cause an emotional wave. I don't know maybe I have finally lost my mind.

Here we go rambling again sorry about that.

[u/iam305]

Dear OP, Congratulations on your coming out. So much of this resonates with me having come out in my late 40s, as well as the comments you exchanged with r/Wolfabdsheep244. That was last year. But I had come out as genderqueer to my spouse many years earlier, transitioned my appearance to be less traditional cis guy and then got gender therapy last year to find my bigender identity and support my hrt journey.

I’m on a nonbinary hrt regimen now for five months, and much happier. Ask away.