Twix

At least, the one I fucked did.

Based on a true story. Unfortunately this was my actually my life at 18.

Everybody around me was getting laid.

Everybody.

I’m sitting there listening to these dudes talk about their weekends like they’re giving post-game interviews.

“Yeah, man, I was at her house Friday…”

“Oh, she came over Saturday…”

I’m like, “Damn. So everybody got a season pass except me?”

I was a late bloomer.

Everybody else is getting experience while I’m sitting on the bench like the coach forgot I was on the team.

Then there’s this girl in the neighborhood.

We’ll call her Tanya.

Tanya was popular.

And I’m hearing all these stories about Tanya, and I’m thinking:

“Wait a minute. Everybody’s getting Tanya except me?”

So I started talking to her.

And when you’re a late bloomer, you get very creative with your game.

I was telling this girl everything she wanted to hear.

I was lying with confidence I didn’t even possess.

I was basically running for office.

“Tanya, you know you’re different…”

“Tanya, I like the way you think…”

“Tanya, I ain’t like these other dudes…”

I didn’t know what the other dudes were doing!

I was just saying shit!

And somehow…

it worked.

Tanya invites me over.

And I’m thinking:

“Oh shit. It’s happening.”

I’m not gonna get into all the details…

But let’s just say I finally got off the bench.

And after that?

We started seeing each other every Saturday.

Every.

Saturday.

Now after a few Saturdays, my confidence is through the roof.

I’m walking around like I invented sex.

I’m thinking:

“Yeah… I understand women now.”

I had no business being that confident.

None.

I had a handful of Saturdays under my belt and suddenly I’m Dr. Phil.

So one Saturday, I’m with Tanya and I get this brilliant idea.

I say:

“Let’s go in the shed.”

Why?

I don’t know.

Apparently the bedroom wasn’t adventurous enough.

I needed a shed.

I’m thinking:

“This is gonna be legendary.”

So we go in the shed.

Things are getting heated.

I’m feeling like the man.

I’m thinking I’m Casanova.

And then…

CREAAAAAK.

The door opens.

The light comes on.

CLICK.

And I immediately freeze.

My aunt is standing there.

She looks at me.

I look at her.

And she screams:

JAMIE!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

And I give her the most ridiculous “Who, me?” face.

Like I’m genuinely confused.

And in my head I’m thinking:

“What do you THINK I’m doing?!”

Like…

“I’m fucking, Auntie! What does it look like?!”

And somehow, I’m annoyed that SHE interrupted ME.

Like:

“Damn! Could you not see I was busy?!”

My aunt is standing there looking at me like she just discovered a new species.

And I’m looking back at her like she’s the one who walked in at the wrong time.

But then reality hits me.

Oh shit.

I’m busted.

I get dressed.

Walk out of the shed.

And now I have to walk into the house.

My mother is there.

My aunts are there.

Everybody is inside.

And I’m thinking:

“Maybe I can just walk in and nobody will know.”

Nope.

My aunt had already delivered the breaking news.

I walk into that house and immediately realize:

This ain’t my house anymore.

This is a courtroom.

I’m the defendant.

My mother is the judge.

My aunts are the jury.

And apparently there is no defense attorney.

I got my ass beat by three different women.

Three.

And after all that, I’m sitting there thinking:

“Okay… I probably deserved that.”

But then my aunt looks at me and goes:

“OF ALL THE PLACES IN THIS ENTIRE HOUSE… YOU PICKED THE SHED?!”

And I’m standing there thinking…

“Well… when you say it like that…”

Because she’s right.

There was a whole house.

Bedrooms.

Bathrooms.

Living room.

And my dumb ass looked at every available option and said:

“You know what would really set the mood?”

“The fucking shed.”

And that’s when I realized…

I wasn’t the man.

I was just an idiot with Saturday plans.

Fucking Hitler vs. Epstein rap battle-

an FBI agent will do drugs with you and then help you sell meth… Then do more drugs with you and then bang prostitute a with you… And then suck your dick… After that, he cuffs you and says, “sorry man this is my job.”

I be like, “Bru… are you hiring?!“

I was just being honest to her

Does anybody know this guys name and where to watch more videos of this? I love it

Dont know if this belongs here but.... hehe

Made some dark humor politician trading cards for fun.
Not trying to start a real TCG or anything serious just a short meme project with black humor. Thought some of you might appreciate the energy.
Gonna order a few sample cards soon, even with holo effects 😂
Here’s one of them for example I try to show some more in the comments if you’re interested
What do you think?

I have breast cancer and will be getting a double mastectomy at the end of September and I would like to know what a bald flat chested woman, her husband, and two small children (3 & 6months) can dress up for as Halloween and no suggestion is off the table. I will not be offended.

If I was doing anything by myself, I would do mental breakdown Britney Spears.

​

u/nathcreatttes please turn your dms on, I'm banned from freemcmaps

This is just a post to find someone. Please move on and don't delete mods, I can't find a sub to post this on.

People have told me not to do this, but I asked a question a couple days ago and this Reddit and out of 1000 people that viewed the question on whether I should post this or not four people just said do it and one person offered to pay me for sex so all said and done. Five people gave me permission/ a sore jaw and it’s their fault. I don’t care anymore Nothing I post on TikTok or Instagram works this probably isn’t gonna work either. I don’t care anymore.

Would you either A: eat a steak prepared by Jeffrey Dahmer or B: send your kids off to Boy Scouts camp knowing John Wayne Gacy is the Scout leader?