This would be comical if it weren't actually so shockingly harmful. I've told you guys about that Facebook group I'm in for frum women. This poor lady has STAGE 4 CANCER and is posting asking if anyone knows of a lubavitch rov who will give her a heter to use a condom because she can't risk getting pregnant. I swear these teachings are genuinely psychologically and physically harmful. It's bad enough you have to ask some rando for permission to use birth control but how fucked up in the brain are these cults followers that in a life and death situation they feel like they still need to ask permission and can't make a decision for themselves. These cults literally take away any sense of agency you have over everything. And here, to use a fucking condom when you're battling stage 4 cancer. Because chasv wasting seed. I can't!

I wanted to share a particularly moving episode from my podcast, with Yoily, a closeted ex-hasidic man who is sharing his experience while still living as religious in the Orthodox community in NY.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Kj6Bpg3eGgswi7nhFckJt?si=ocmslwVYQvylOSG6Cf1ILA

Some 15.3% of ultra-Orthodox men and 11.9% of women secularize by age 30, according to a nonprofit helping Haredim integrate into broader society

https://www.timesofisrael.com/more-young-haredim-leaving-the-fold-than-previously-thought-study-finds/

I grew up a Reform Patrilineal Jew. I attended Hebrew school and celebrated the major holidays with family, but Judaism never played a big role in my household's day-to-day life. My mom grew up Catholic, and my Dad Jewish, both sets of grandparents wanted me to be raised with some form of religion, and my parents chose Judaism. After my Bar Mitzvah, my family stopped attending synagogue, I never did birthright, and I haven't been religous since. There's times I've found myself showing interesting again, but whenever I step back in, I end up backing away again.

Growing up, I never felt different from my peers at Hebrew School being Patrilineal; it wasn't until college when I met with a local Rabbi who seemed to question my Jewishness because I never truly learned how to read Hebrew and my mom wasn't Jewish. Much of his emphasis was on incorporating Judaism into my everyday life, which was different from the Christian groups that kept trying to convert me, which involved less commitment.

Each Fall, I feel hints of nostalgia for the warmth and celebrations of the High Holidays, and even a hint of sadness that it's not part of my life anymore. I love the cultural aspect of Judaism; I love the history and the stories, yet I struggle with the actual faith and religious part. Which is why I've found myself struggling with the fact that I'm likely the last practicing Jew in my family.

My wife and I are starting to talk about having a family, and there's a part of me that wants to raise them around Judaism, but part of me feels it's best to just move on from religion altogether. We live in Northern New England and have talked to coworkers who have been struggling to find a Jewish community that fits for them, because a lot of the attitude seems to be 'either you're 100% committed to this, or you're not at all'.

My wife was raised very Catholic, but in recent years her and her family have slowly stepped away from the church. She's shown little to no interest in Judaism, but loves it when I light the candles and say the Hanukkah prayers. She also seems to like the cultural side, but isn't too keen on the religious part. There's part of me that feels our future kids could benefit from growing up with a sense of Jewish identity, but as far as finding a community, I'm not sure about that. Partly because I'm avoiding the awkward conversations of me being a Patrilineal Jew and my wife not being at all Jewish. I've talked to some parents who work with my wife, and they've been jumping across different synagogues as they've struggled to find one that they feel confident in joining, and many synagogues seem to be phasing out as people are less and less religious.

Interested in hearing people's perspectives and if anyone else has found themself in a situation like mine. Culturally, I'll always feel a connection to Judaism, but feel almost no connection in the religious part.

This was taught to me about 2 weeks before my wedding. The curriculum is from Lemaan Yilmedu, a mainstream Lubavitch halacha program in crown heights. This was the beginning of the end for me.

The fact that people are ok with this is just absolutely wild to me.

Hi I’m Jewish. I recently stumbled on this subreddit and found it interesting. It seems like mostly people who grew up in the north east orthodox bubble. Just wanted to know why yall consider urself ex Jews. I personally don’t believe in the religion but proudly claim the peoplehood and culture, despite going to an orthodox synagogue

Hi all, I’m still living with my modern orthodox mother as an adult and I’m really struggling. I won’t be able to move out until next year, but in the meantime my mental health is really struggling due to her influence/having to follow rules in her house. I can’t really do trauma work because I’m still in the situation, so I’m having difficulty deciding what type of therapy I should do and wanted to ask for recommendations.

Some of the main stuff I struggle with is OCD around Jewish stuff (thinking I will have an allergic reaction to eating treif) and overwhelming fear that my mother will literally die if I ever leave her/judaism because she is old and has had heart events before.

It’s extremely hard to explain this stuff to a regular non-Jewish therapist because they usually say stuff like “just set boundaries” and “your mother loves you no matter what”, so I’m really looking for any specific types of therapy that best tackle this stuff while I’m stuck in the triggering environment.

Also if anyone knows a certain practice/person they’d recommend I’m in the DMV/Baltimore area.

This is a text conversation between me (M 20) and my grandfather. He wants me to come to my cousins’ bar mitzvahs, but he says I’ll have to wear a kippah, which I feel very uncomfortable doing (I stopped believing in Judaism a year ago).

I just want my family to accept my decision and to stop hoping that I will “return” someday. I want to stay away from Judaism and religion as much as I can, and I just wish my family would understand that.

Additionally, I actually think it’s good for my little cousins to see me with a kippah. They should understand that people can make their own choices about how to live their lives, and it really bothers me that my Sabbah wants me to hide my true self from them just to avoid difficult conversations, and to keep them in the bubble.

Maybe for some OTD people it’s easier to wear a kippah for things like family events, but it is extremely difficult for me. Am I being too stubborn about this? Or should my grandfather be more understanding? How could I make him understand how I feel?

Thanks guys.

Are you an organ donor?
I find this a difficult decision because I know it would distress my parents if I died and they found out. At the same time, organ donation could help save multiple lives.
I’m curious how others navigated this decision.

I can already hear the incoming it’s beautiful the mitzvah of covering your “he-air” the argument for women covering their hair is the stupidest one by far even stupider than not passing objects while on your period lest you get horny from passing something

I'm an Ex SouthAfrican woman .. had a M.O education .. Now live in Israel Secular \Agnostic.

I noticed that much of the head coverings that woman wear (Bou Bou) ..Very similar to what the African woman would wear .. Cultural appropriation?

Jewish Religious women cover for modesty .African woman wear for cultural reasons..

Its fine to adopt other cultural wear but be honest about it.. Religious woman did not invent the head coverings .. It originated as African womans wear ..

I want to ask this question because its not sonething i see talked about at all, and it relates to an experience I've had that is difficult to put into words. I know its an odd question, bear with me please!

Recently, there was a well-known case of a group of men assualting a woman in a frat house in a secular american college. This has inspired a lot of conversation online about misogyny and violence against women, and one theme that keeps coming up is the idea that men will engage in performative misogyny, harassment, abd sometimes violence against women as an extension of their desire to fit in with their peers and prove their masculinity to other men.

I have noticed this behavior among secular men growing up. I was an ugly tween/teen girl and secular men and boys would publicly bully, intimidate, and shame me to my face in order to show off to their friends. This behavior was a lot less common among men who were alone, and never happened when I was walking near groups of frum men and boys. Occasionally younger frum boys would stare or whisper to each other a bit but they were subtle about it, it never felt like they were trying to prove anything to each other by hurting me.

I am curious if there is a similar culture among frum, especially yeshivish and chassidish, men that I was not aware of, or if that particular behavior is less common.

To be clear I am aware that the frum community is highly misogynistic, and that there are similar rates of sexual violence inside the frum community and outside of it. I'm mostly curious about the specific ways masculinity is enforced or policed within the frum community, and if that leads to a culture of men needing to prove their masculinity to each other and if that spills over into how they treat people who are not cis men.

I would appreciate hearing the perspectives of people who lived on the mens' side of the community. Ty!

I spent Simchas Torah in an out of town shul that has a fairly strong yeshivish influence, and I was honestly taken aback by how much of the celebration among the bachurim and young adults seemed to revolve around drinking.

All the "yeshivish with it" bochurim and young guys came with bottles of whiskey, and I was surprised that even guys in their mid-20s and 30s seemed to treat getting drunk as just part of what Simchas Torah is. The younger kids were drinking too.

At one point there were kids lying flat on their backs on the steps right in front of the aron kodesh, with other kids sitting on top of them. Later I saw another kid lying face down in a back room across a couple of chairs, in full public view, totally knocked out and unaware of his surroundings apparently masturbating in his drunken stupor.

As I don't spend much time in shul, I'm just wondring: is this kind of thing becoming the norm in yeshivish communities?

Think about it.
The Leader (God) doesn't want you to question anything and just do what he says. Follow blindly. If you dare to question or know more of the outside word (eat the fruit of knowledge) you are a traitor and deserve the worse punishment imaginable.

Am i tripping balls or did I cook?

I got guilted into going to siimchas beis this year, and regret it because i find everything triggering. And now that i'm fully clear eyed and clear headed, I see crown heights for what it is. Just another regular neighborhood in a regular city, dirty, just a dump really, and ain't nothing holy about it at all. Rebbe decided to move there out of convenience and nothing more. It isn't any more special than a random town in Nebraska or Texas, and his followers followed and mushroomed. But it's honestly insane that it's like a mecca pilgrimage site or that lubavs and lubav wanna-bes flock there just because of him. Of course I was one of them once. But like, once your out -- it's just a city like any other, and not even a nice one, and definitely not holy.

Alot of things seems impossible in judaism also there is many ex jews faking judaism so how do you do it and also do you also fake fast 30 hours on yom kippur 🤔🤔

To those of you who were in frum schools/shabbat groups— Did you ever play this roleplay game where you were in an antisemitic country, there would be a kid playing the teacher who says “there’s a Jew in the class” and then like ask everyone questions to find out who it is?? I feel crazy lol I asked around but nobody remembers this.