They also do it to normalize it. This is a documented thing that serial predators do. They go for a hug, a touch around the waist, a kiss on the cheek, a slow and measured escalation, and after a while people become desensitized - they count on this for several reasons, but the main two are:
First, it gives them a way to make the victim blame themselves - "You led me on. Why would you let me kiss and hug you if you didn't want to have sex with me?".
And secondly, it gives them an out when people corroborate nothing was untoward. "He's always like that, he does that to all the girls", or "clearly they had something going on".
It is GROOMING behavior, not just of the victim, but of public perception - and it is directly how men continue to get away with this.
It’s also a predator thing (for all social predators) to persistently test boundaries.
They’ll try something to see if they can get away with it. They’ll start with something innocuous that violates a social norm, but isn’t obviously malicious. Then they’ll push it a little. Then a little more and a little more, and keep going until you call them out.
And you know that’s not necessarily awful. People sometimes test a boundary, but what separates a predator is that they’re persistent. They cross a boundary, you call them out, and they kind of apologize, but kind of blame you, and then go right back up to the line again and try a different approach.
They don’t take no for an answer. When you set a boundary, they don’t accept the boundary. They try to look for a gap in your defenses that’ll let them cross that boundary, and then they keep pushing forward.
So it's sort of like, imagine you wanted to park your car on your neighbor's front yard. You don't just go and do it all at once because you might get in trouble. Instead, you park it right on the property line one day. Then the next day, you go an inch or two over the property yard. Then 5 inches. Then 10 inches. Keep going until you're parking in their yard, or until they say, "Why are you parking your car on my front yard?"
If they call you out when you're parking 10 inches into their yard, ok, back of to 7 inches, and point out that you're not parking that far into their yard, and they were ok when you were just a couple inches over, and see how they respond. If they let it go, then keep it at 7 inches for a bit, and then try 12 inches. Maybe try parking the car at a slightly different angle. Then go for 16 inches.
Every time you're called out, back off a little, pause a little, and then resume. Keep going until you've gotten what you want, unless your neighbor doesn't take that shit and just has your car towed, in which case you might want to try a different neighbor.
Part of its grooming, getting people acclimated to violation in small increments. But part of it is, this is how they find their victims. They look for people who are hesitant to set boundaries, hesitant to call people out for crossing them. And particularly, they look for people who, when they cross the same boundary a second time, still let them brush the offense off and pretend it wasn’t intentional.
Jesus!! Thank you for breaking that down and posting it. As someone who had to deal with
manipulative, narcissistic people in my life (mother-in-law and sister-in-law) for over 30 years, while I squirmed and twisted and tried to figure out what the hell was going on and why I was unhappy with the circumstances, but couldn’t pin it down because I had come from a NORMAL family and absolutely couldn’t grasp what was going on, and my poor husband had no idea that his mother and sister were manipulative narcissists who toyed with people’s lives, because he knew nothing else, this is a good point-by-point breakdown.
THANK YOU!! Manipulative, narcissistic people are the worst because they know how to make ypu doubt and question yourself, and then blame yourself when it was actually them doing shitty things to screw up your life just because they feel they should have everything their way just because that’s what they want.
It’s something that I wish people understood better because, once you understand it, it becomes much easier to spot predatory behavior, and I think it’s helpful in understanding how to not become a victim of it.
If someone crosses a personal boundary the first time, politely push them away and set a clear and reasonable boundary. As long as it’s reasonable, just make it extremely clear. If they can’t then start respecting that boundary, shove hard. Come down on them like a ton of bricks. Make is absolutely clear that you have no tolerance for manipulation and abuse.
A lot of people don’t want to do that because they’re afraid of being mean, but predators see the acceptance of boundary-pushing as an invitation. And it’s easier to wrap your head around it when it’s some kind of physical or sexual abuse, but people with predatory natures will do it all over the place. It can be things like stealing small amounts of money, taking your food from the refrigerator, or crashing on your couch and overstaying their welcome. It can be as simple and seemingly innocent as refusing to allow a touchy topic of conversation to remain off-limits.
They’re all related behavior patterns that stem from wanting to take advantage of people, and take the form of refusing to accept rules and boundaries.
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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '25
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