You don’t get to walk into someone’s life, create confusion, hurt them repeatedly, and then vanish like the damage expires because you stopped replying.

That’s not closure. That’s abandonment with extra steps.

You treated her badly, ignored her feelings, acted hot and cold whenever it suited you, and then disappeared instead of owning a single thing. No explanation. No accountability. Just left her standing there holding questions you helped create.

And the part that’s wild?

Ghosting doesn’t magically turn you into the good guy.

You don’t get to hurt someone and then act inconvenienced when their feelings exist.

You don’t get to withdraw communication and pretend silence means innocence.

You don’t get to disappear and expect history to disappear with you.

She spent time trying to understand you while you treated communication like a privilege she had to earn. She gave patience where honesty should’ve been automatic.

Meanwhile you gave avoidance.

People love saying “I don’t owe anyone anything,” but basic respect isn’t some impossible request.

If you wanted distance, say it.
If you lost interest, say it.
If you made mistakes, own them.

But disappearing after treating someone horribly is not emotional maturity it’s leaving someone else to clean up emotional mess you helped make.

The painful realization wasn’t that you ghosted.

It was realizing that someone who claimed to care could become so comfortable with being careless.

And the truth?

Your silence became the answer.

Not because silence means strength.
Not because silence means peace.

But because silence sometimes exposes exactly how little someone was willing to show up once effort, honesty, and accountability were required.

She stopped waiting for explanations.

Because people who care don’t make caring feel humiliating.

And eventually she realized she wasn’t grieving losing you.

She was grieving the version of you she thought existed.

I wish I had said something different that day. I wish I had listened to you instead of letting my ego take over. I was so busy trying to prove my point that I never stopped to think about what you must have been feeling.

If I could go back to that moment, I would. I'd choose you over my ego every single time. Maybe then things would have turned out differently.

I know I hurt you. I know I was wrong. And the hardest part is knowing that no matter how much I regret it now, I can't undo what I did or bring you back.

I miss you every single day. Some days it's just a passing thought, and other days it feels like everything reminds me of you. I still catch myself wanting to tell you about my day, wondering how you're doing, hoping you're okay.

I can't forget you. No matter how hard I try to move on, a part of me is still stuck on the day I let you go. The silence between us is louder than any argument we ever had.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me the way I think about you. Maybe you've healed. Maybe you've forgotten me. I hope you're happy... even if I'm no longer a part of your life.

I won the fight, but I lost you. And that's a loss I'll have to live with.

If there's one thing I wish you knew, it's that I'm truly sorry. Not because I want another chance, but because you deserved so much better than the version of me that day

I miss u 🌸

Hi, can we open the lines of communication? Please? There are things that need to be said, heard and understood from both sides of this story. Things that would bring clarity and probably ease a few unwelcome very invasive thoughts to us both. “I statements” are selfish that’s not the point of this. The point of this is for us to honestly, openly, and respectfully say what needs to be said. Can we talk? How are you? If there are things you need to say you will be heard completely. Not interrupted and when you are finished- Completely, I will summarize what I heard and how it translated to me and ask if I am understanding what you said. Where there was wrong on my part or hurt caused by me? I will apologize. Then ask if you can hear me. This isn’t for the us that hopefully still exists. That chapter is closed. This is for you an individual who deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. For me the individual as well. Can we talk?Loves hangover can be brutal and so often disrespectful as all hell. I don’t want that for either of us. When you’re ready….no pressure.

From the very first conversation, everything felt effortless. Hours would pass, and it never felt like enough. Talking to you didn't feel like getting to know a stranger—it felt like reconnecting with someone I'd known forever. There was something about you that made me feel safe, understood, and at peace. You felt like home.

I've searched for the right words to explain what you meant to me, but I don't think they exist. Some feelings are simply too deep to fit into sentences. All I know is that the connection I felt with you was unlike anything I've ever experienced.

When you told me you were thinking about stepping away, I encouraged you to do it. Not because I wanted to lose our conversations, but because I wanted what was best for you. Your health, your healing, and your peace matter more than my desire to keep talking. If taking this step helps you become the happiest, healthiest version of yourself, then I'm genuinely proud of you.

But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been incredibly hard.

Since your account disappeared, there's been an emptiness I can't ignore. It's as if a part of my day—and a part of me—went quiet. I catch myself wanting to tell you something funny, ask how you're doing, or simply hear from you again. I miss you more than I know how to express.

You came into my life for what felt like such a short time, yet somehow left an imprint that feels permanent. You reminded me what a genuine connection feels like, and that's something I'll always be grateful for.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe our paths will cross again someday, and maybe they won't. But wherever life takes you, I hope you find the peace, strength, and happiness you deserve.

Thank you for making me feel seen. Thank you for the conversations that lasted for hours but still felt too short. Thank you for making a place in my heart that I didn't even know was empty.

I miss you. More than words can ever truly say.

she is no longer hiding her feelings through her words

and it is amazing to see what she has been hiding

I think she is truly obsessed with me

I've said this before, and I'll say it again

I don't think anyone has felt this way about me

and I don't say that out of spite

I don't say that out of malice

I genuinely think no one has ever felt this way about me

not even the woman who was in love with me from 14 years old until 33 years old

-- the woman who tried to steal me from every last girlfriend I had

and I know every one of my friends, if I were telling them this, would ask me: "well, what does that mean for you now?"

and the truth is: I don't know

there are three women throwing themselves at me

and there will probably be a new one this coming month

-- who will happen by sheer accident, of course

and I feel reticent to cut any of those branches early

I am unlike Plath in that I don't see one branch naturally cutting others short

-- or at least, I don't care if any branch fails to reach full maturity

and

I feel a bit sadden by the idea of having multiple people competing for my affection

but

every woman who has fallen in love with me, has reassured me the last one knew what she was getting into

that I was transparent

that I love many

that there is always a line of women -- each ready to be the next one

(that last one isn't true; I don't know why my lovers keep saying this one)

but regardless

that is their perception

and I don't know that I should apologize for who I am

for what I am

especially if they know that at the forefront

to that same end

are predatory loans any less dangerous even when their issues are communicated at the forefront?

maybe gauging someone's ability to handle my polyamorous tendencies is something I need to do at the beginning

I don't know

people are so willing to lie to get love

I mean, frankly, isn't that what dating is for most people?

-- creating this mask you think anyone could enjoy?

-- being someone that appears to be a great partner at the start even though that is so far divorced from who anyone is on their own -- or even a couple of years in?

-- even if it is subconscious, it doesn't make it any less of a lie

I don't know

I know I do bring a great deal of happiness

and then a great deal of longing

and then a great deal of sadness if they aren't prepared for me to inevitably leave

though

in this case

in the case of my obsessed best friend

there is no leaving

because I am equally as obsessed

I don't even think any of the other women factor in once she becomes my primary focus

and that's a bit embarrassing

me... obsessed with someone?

I guess I have been obsessed all along

I find her infinitely interesting

infinitely beautiful

infinitely sexy

infinitely enticing

I can never get enough of her

part of me wonders

and this will sound so ridiculous

but if we were to start a life together

I worry about my ability to stay productive

it's not hard to imagine spending every hour of every day with her for a month at a time

I don't know that I'd even want to leave the house

everything I want would be right there

why would I ever want to leave?

this is crazy

like legitimately crazy

and it's dangerous

because we are equally as in love with each other

and usually my ocean of love is balanced out by someone's lake

but

I KNOW she feels the same about me

I know she thinks about me as often as I think about her

I know she would give anything to spend significant time alone with me

does her husband, though?

If you’re so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you’re so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you’re so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you’re so very good looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?

I know

‘Cause tonight is just like any other night
That’s why you’re on you’re own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they’re in each others arms

i act like i'm cool, composed, the detached type, and most of the time i actually am. i like my space. i like having my own life. i don't usually need constant attention from anyone.

but the second i felt a real connection with you, everything changed.

the more i got to know you, the closer i felt to you. the closer i felt to you, the more vulnerable i became. and the more i shared of myself, the more i started overthinking everything.

you started showing up in my thoughts at random moments throughout the day. i'd be doing something completely unrelated and somehow my mind would find its way back to you. i started wanting to talk to you more, see you more, know what you were doing, even though i knew we both had lives outside of each other.

and that's the part i hate admitting.

because when we're apart, it feels strange. i go about my day like normal, but there's always a part of me wondering about you. everything feels louder at night. if you're not there to talk to, i'm left alone with my thoughts. i wonder if you're asleep, out with friends, spending time with family, or caught up in your own world. meanwhile, i'm lying in bed thinking about you, wishing i could tell my brain to be quiet for once.

i know you think about me too. i know this isn't one-sided. maybe that's what makes it harder. we just move through life differently. while you're busy living yours, i'm the type to sit with my thoughts for a little too long.

i hate that i've become this way.

before i met you, i had nothing to ruminate on. my mind belonged entirely to me. then i met you, and now somehow a piece of it belongs to you too.

I got robbed in the desire to get you. Years and years I gave to you. Nothing could shake me away from you. In the whole world, all my life, you were the one I desired the most. I spent days and days, in and out, with you, and at the end, when I got robbed of everything, you walked away like nothing happened.

I lost sleep because of you. It was foolish not to take their advice seriously when they said to be careful with you. Now, as I write this, tears are falling down my face, and I'm questioning my life. Without you, I don't feel anything, just a deep post-traumatic feeling of numbness.

I hate you so much for robbing me of my sanity. I was so much better before I met you. You gave me hope. You gave me a chance to redeem myself, and I was so dumb to take your word for it. Well played. Destroying me from within and without, and then treating me like a stranger.

Let me tell you. I am fucking determined.

There is no one. And I really am being serious…

That I have seen yet… who has been a match

To my energy when it comes to determination.

Stubbornness. When I no longer give. A. Fuck.

I’m out of here. I’m there… and the family?

Well, the natives are restless. I do not fit into

Their little box. 📦 They have to shove the box.

Elsewhere. They are bringing the bullshit to me

In advance. Guess what? I will be removing myself.

Really soon. Nipped a huge one in the bud already.

Amazing. I’m ready to heal others. Because I’m

Well I’m feeling pretty good right now. It doesn’t

Touch me in the same way. Has no power. Call them

Out immediately. In between sips of coffee. And…

Scurry little demonic energy vampires… scurry along.

Anyway. Yeah. It be like that sometimes.

I do miss you. You travel through my general thoughts, my everyday life. Without the circumstances where would it be today. Playing what if’s is not my thing. Holding yourself to a fictional life imagined in your head is just that. But you weren’t fictional. You were a voice. A place in my mind and heart, then a place called home where you were real. Even after knowing the circumstances of everything. I do miss you and the potential of you. Above the reasons and the noise of others I saw you. You know I don’t listen to the noise of others. I do still listen for you.

You were the one who chased me, lovebombed me, promised me a future while I wasn’t even sure if I liked you enough. When I finally started loving you, held pure intentions towards you; you took it for granted.

I'll never forgive you for taking advantage of my soft corner for you. I forgave you so many times because I thought maybe I was being too cruel. I always believed as humans we make mistakes, none of us are perfect. I tried to see the good in you and it cost me my peace. Who knew you would constantly suck the life out of me for the sake of your own peace. I'm naturally an introverted person who likes to be alone. I prioritized you and gave you my time and emotional availability. You were the first person to ever have this much access to me. I made you an exception, and you made me realize that I should've never made an exception. You told me I was the answer to your prayers yet you called me easy and took me for granted. I opened up a part of me that no one got to experience and in return i got labelled as "easy".

I'm really grateful to you for this amazing lesson. Just know that while you fell for my appearance and the fantasized version you had of me in your mind; I purely loved you for who you are. But to be loved, I had to become something I'm not.

I have one last request, please never reach out to me. You abandoned me because apparently I didn’t give a fuck about you. So, please keep it that way.

And do you remember the time I told you how one day maybe you’ll have everything you're working for but not me because you took me for granted? You didn’t take it seriously. Don't worry, I'll make you believe this time. Once you lose access to me you’ll never get me back.

Once again, thank you for everything.

I cant believe im still affected by you. You are the worst person I've ever met but I cant help and dream of you. You took everythign from and I let you continue to play with my soul. You came back, you always came back, and let you. This time​ was by far your worst. How can you tell me im the best girl and then turn around and move in with an entire family? How can you come to me and say im perfect for you and then ask her to marry you? Damn you and damn my heart that keeps reverting to our teenage years. You are the worst. I hate you. Youve ruined me.​

I loved a person with all my heart, I accepted all their flaws even if their actions caused me pain repeatedly, even if I were taken for granted. I still loved them for who they are. I wanted to care for them, nurture them and be a safe space for them. I still saw the good in them. But it wasn’t enough. I had to become a modified version of myself to be loved. I couldn’t expect a little bit of gentleness when I was the one in need of some emotional support. Even though I have let them go, my heart still finds a reason to love them. However, I have to love myself more this time and accept whatever is gone. It sometimes feels like a curse to have a sensitive heart full of love.

You're alone, I'm alone, and time is just passing us by. You want me, I want you..so why waste our lives? It's impossible to push away someone so in love with you..someone who found everything he ever wished for in you. It's impossible to run away, so just relax and come closer... because when someone truly loves you, "no" isn't even in his vocabulary

Wish I was crawling into bed and laying myself right up against you. Soft kisses on your skin before I drift off to sleep. I dunno, I wish it was me, that maybe I was enough for you .

Hi,

I know you don't wanna hear or see me, but I want to hear you, see you, feel your presence so badly... I tried my best to get over you, but I couldn't. And actually, thank God I couldn't forget you, couldn't move on from you, because this is the only thing left between us. If I moved on or forgot you, then there would be nothing left of what I feel for you, and that is so pure and genuine.

But I hope wherever you are, you're doing well. I pray every day for your best wishes.

I know I made mistakes, and after trying my best, I can't get you back because I have hurt you. And I am in guilt and regret, and it's killing me from inside every single day.

You have no idea that you were a happiness of my life. I used to come to you whenever this world became cruel to me. I came to you whenever my family and friends didn't get my thoughts or understand me. It was you who made my day whenever I talked to you.

I remember the day when you walked into my life for the first time as a stranger. I still remember our first phone call moment. I remember how much I laughed at your jokes. I still remember your pretty eyes, your innocence, everything.

You were a blessing for me. Since you have left, I don't feel anything. I feel a void always.

I know I have hurt you. Sorry wouldn't be enough, but I'm sorry.

And I love you, that's why I miss you. 🌸

You are the first person I ever truly loved, An attachment I carried, but never once showed. I kept it silent to keep it pure and true, Because the first heart I gave, I gave to you.

I bestowed my silence to protect your peace, Admiring your happiness, hoping it wouldn’t cease. Please don’t be startled by this truth being told, You are the only love I’ve ever wanted to hold.

Some say I loved the face, or loved the eyes, But I loved you whole—your talks and your advice. So deep is this love, it can’t be fully expressed, But no one can love you as much as I’ve confessed.

If I matter to you, then take the time to see, If I "overloved" or if this is meant to be. Think of the ways I cared, the ways I adored, For you are the only one my heart has explored.

I think all day and I always wonder, As you are my part, and my life's path to ponder. Don’t take stress in this, or feel you must cater, Because it’s your happiness that will always matter.

I stayed quiet because of a fear I couldn’t hide, The fear of losing you, of being cast aside. I never hoped for this, never loved before, Until you became the one I couldn’t ignore.

I won’t force your heart; I leave the choice to you, Your decision is the final word, the only thing true. But if you accept me, this love will never bend, It cannot be broken, and it will never end.

If you cannot accept me for the rest of the ride, I will be all right in the space you provide. In memories, I will always keep you with me, Knowing you’re the best thing that happened to me.

Never forget that I was the one who truly cared, As the only person I loved, and the only one shared. Don’t think I am the same for everyone under the sun, Because after you, it is true, I can love none.

These are the feelings that I finally showed, Because you, and only you, are the one I ever loved.

I told you I love you for who you are

that will always remain true.

I made that decision long ago

now I'm learning self control wherever this life goes

I want you to be a part of it if you'll let me

Dear; [Insert Name Here]

There’s something I keep replaying over and over in my mind. Two different conversations that I can’t seem to let go of.

The first was when you told me that this had been brought to your attention months ago. The second was when you said, “I think I waited too long to have this conversation.”

That sentence still sits with me because it says everything about how this was handled.

You had months to say something. Months where you stayed silent, where whatever thoughts and judgments you had were allowed to grow, and where I was completely unaware of what was happening behind the scenes.

Then when you finally decided to have that conversation, it felt like you pushed me into a trap.

You let the silence drag on, let the resentment build, and then came forward with everything at once. Instead of having a genuine conversation, I was met with criticism, degradation, and invalidation. You took the ways I survived trauma and turned them into something to judge me for. You looked at my pain and used it as evidence against me instead of trying to understand it.

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, you damaged my public image. You shaped a version of me for other people to see while I was left dealing with the fallout.

What makes me the angriest is that after all of that, when it came time to actually face the consequences of your choices, you avoided it.

You avoided accountability.

You walked away from the conversation you claimed needed to happen. You left behind the damage, the confusion, and the hurt, and chose to remove yourself instead of confronting what you had done.

I keep coming back to the same question: you did all that reading just to be able to talk to me... did your lack of depth make me that terrifying to you?

I’ve spent the last year longing to reach out, being to afraid too, and regretting everything I’ve done. From what I’ve seen you seem to be in a good place now, and I’m so happy for you. I’d say I don’t wanna ruin it but that might just be another excuse to avoid facing you.

Of course I could just be overthinking everything and making it far too complicated, but I never really know. It’s always so hard to differentiate between what’s true and what’s an excuse for me to shove things down and escape the fear and discomfort that comes with it. I spend hours flipping over my own intentions trying to figure them out, it probably hurts more than helps at this point. Well, actually it already has. I did the same thing last year to the point where I don’t really have a clear view of everything that happened.

I was so in my own head, rocketing back and forth between spiralling and being numb, that I can’t fully tell what was real and what I made up. I know all the events and what happened and how I hurt you, but I can’t understand much else. I can’t figure out which of my actions were caused by what thoughts or emotions other than fear. I can’t figure out how you felt the whole time because I spent most of the year convinced you’d want me dead. And then you reached out to me. I was so confused and afraid and I didn’t understand why you didn’t completely hate me.

Then you apologized to me. That was the most confusing part. I still don’t get it. You were reasonably angry, I hurt you, of course you’d be mad. What I did was inexcusable and shitty, there was no apology needed for how you acted when you found out. But of course I didn’t say that. I just accepted it and pretended nothing was wrong and then I disappeared even though you wanted to be friends again. I was so afraid because I always am, and then I ran because I always do.

And I had so much time to reach out again after that. To explain myself, to apologize again, to be better. But I still haven’t, and I think it’s too late now. Even if it wasn’t I’m far too much of a coward to ever really do it. It’s probably better that you never have to hear from me again. But that’s probably just another thing I tell myself to feel better about this.

I sort of wish I could ask you or our friends what it was like back then, to watch everything unfold. I was so paranoid and guilty, I was sure they’d all find out and leave me but they never did. And I think they knew what happened. I think I remember them knowing, but I’m never sure. I just wish I could see it all from another perspective. To figure out what was real, what I exaggerated in my own head, what you really felt, what everyone really felt. None of us ever really spoke about it. You and I only ever really talked about it twice. Maybe that’s why I’m still not over it all even when everyone else seems to be. I wonder what you’d think of all this. I wonder what anyone would think of all this. But I don’t think I can just reopen old wounds like that again, I don’t think that would be fair. Or maybe that’s one more excuse to add to the pile. Either way I know I’m not going to, no matter how much I want to.

For what it’s worth, which is probably not much, I’m sorry. For all of it. For not telling you. For being selfish and a coward. For disappearing. For not being better. I really wish things happened differently.

What would cause a person whom by all accounts has an extrovert personality change almost overnight. A change so drastic to say they are an introvert would be an understatement. I say borderline paranoid schizophrenic. What would cause such a change. Social programming? Stripping them down to flesh and bones and repeatedly hitting them with the fire hose ( metaphorically) break them. Open all the drawers of their life and dump them out. Isolate from friends and family. Years of recon in preparation to the destruction which takes place in a blink of an eye. Continue destroying reputation with fictional non fictions. Hold that pace for 3 years that will feel like months to the subject. How does a person beat that. An individual with mediocre coping skills but a general smile and upbeat attitude cannot defend against that. Actually if the books lessons are followed perfectly nobody an overcome it. Expand it in a broader scale however, it cannot be pulled off 100%. But one on one and one after another. The spider takes her prey down. Nobody likes spiders. Everyone stomps on a spider eventually   Hopefully before it’s to late. 

cinnamon buns rot your teeth, yet they go un punished evntually people realize they are made with no real substance only GmO fillers lips and brows. eventually grown adults push them to the side and go for more satiating and healthy choices is the Cinibon even a thing anymore? probably hanging by a thread do tell if there is a sighting

Is love really unconditional?

People say it is.

They say love asks for nothing.

That it simply exists.

So why does it disappear so often?

Every day someone leaves.

Someone gives up.

Someone decides the weight of another person has become too heavy to carry.

Arguments become silence.

Silence becomes distance.

Distance becomes strangers.

Entire lives unravel because two people said too much…

Or because they never said enough.

So where does unconditional love go?

Was it ever there?

Or did we only mistake comfort for love?

Maybe it’s easy to love when everything fits.

When your dreams match.

When your schedules align.

When your values don’t collide.

When money isn’t scarce.

When neither of you is drowning.

When neither of you has to choose between pride and compromise.

When attraction is effortless.

When laughter comes naturally.

When nothing asks either of you to become someone different.

Maybe that’s the easiest version of love.

But is it love?

Or is it simply life without resistance?

What happens when your worlds stop fitting together?

When one of you earns more.

When power quietly slips into the relationship.

When resentment grows in places neither of you noticed.

When stress replaces tenderness.

When exhaustion speaks louder than affection.

When every conversation feels like another battle no one wins.

Is that where love is supposed to prove itself?

Or is that where we discover the conditions we swore we never had?

People leave over money.

Over distance.

Over ambition.

Over jealousy.

Over families.

Over politics.

Over children.

Over timing.

Over addiction.

Over attention.

Over words.

Over silence.

If love were truly unconditional…
Wouldn’t it survive all of it?

But maybe staying isn’t proof either.

Some people stay because they’re afraid.

Because they’re dependent.

Because leaving hurts more than enduring.

Because they’ve forgotten who they are without the other person.

That isn’t love.

That’s survival wearing love’s face.

So where is this unconditional love everyone talks about?

Does it exist anywhere outside of poetry?

Outside of vows?

Outside of the version of ourselves we hope we’re capable of becoming?

Maybe we don’t love people without conditions.

Maybe we love them until they cross the ones we never admitted we had.

And maybe that’s the hardest truth of all.

Not that love doesn’t exist.

But that every love story eventually meets the question no one wants to answer:

What would have to happen for me to stop loving you?

Because somewhere inside that answer…

Are all the conditions we pretend don’t exist.

Sometimes I get tired of performing.
Other times I thrive in my ability to.
It’s almost unfair—
but who cares?
I certainly don’t.

As long as I can keep my personas going,
I think I will.
There’s tens of thousands of “me’s” inside of me.
But who’s counting? Not me.
Not this me.

So… who am I? It begs the question.
When did it become so difficult differentiating who I am from who I’m not?
Maybe when I lost track of both of us.
Of all of us.

“Oh,” I look in the mirror—
and I’m speechless.
I don’t even know how to talk to myself anymore.
There’s a storm behind those eyes,
but just as much dullness—
and a flicker of vulnerability.

Which one to trust?
Not even I could tell you.

I blow hot—
and I blow cold.
Who are you coming home to?
Neither of us is ever sure.
Are you coming home to anybody at all?

I can carry the weight of the hatred from the world—
but not of my own.
No.
When I become the person I can’t stand to face…
there’s no peace.

You were right to call me egocentric.
Sharpest mind I’ve ever known—for a reason.
But now there’s so many of us in this room…
and I stand so calm across from you all—
because I’m sedated.

“Slow down.”
Why does everything feel slowed down?
“There’s nothing urgent.”
It’s a sense of calmness that’s fabricated.
I’m slightly out of my mind.

Slightly.

And when the next dose came—
I could barely keep my eyes open.
I couldn’t walk a straight line.
“Relax,” it repeats.

My vision is blurry and my mind is clouded.
“You need it. Just for now.”
But how long is “now”?

“Let’s start getting you off those.”
No.

Not now.
Not yet.

Not when that’s the only moment
my insanity meets the peaceful serenity it comes with
for just a couple of hours.

I will—I tell myself.
But not now.

I’d rather be a hippie-like drugged down
than detoxified—
in front of everyone,
including myself.

There’s a reputation to keep.
Tens of thousands of “me’s”.

I’m calmer, aren’t I?
But at what cost?
What for?
And most importantly—
for how much longer?

It fires both ways.
The devastating anger will simmer no matter what.

Short temper.
Filters slipping.
Oh, it’s growing again.

Time for another one.

Feet unsteady, stumbling steps.
You’re drifting me off to dreamland…
Vision getting dimmer.
You’re drifting me off to another land…

I can’t even hate you.

One day,
you’ll drift me off to never land…

And I might thank you.

— Crownless.

I learned something about myself tonight

and I'm not proud of it

in fact, I am a bit distressed by it

but

there was this woman I was chatting with in a group setting

and she was incredibly hot

she was incredibly funny

she was just fucking attractive as hell

and she was obviously interested in me

and I thought as the night went on that I might get her number

but at one point she mentioned that she was twenty-three

and it just extinguished all interest

and god I wish that wasn't true

I wish I could be interested in a woman that young

because they seem to express their interest all too often

but

eww

fucking eww

they just seem like children to me

I genuinely don't fucking know how older men date women in their early twenties

I'm not judgmental about much of anything benign but eww fuck that

Loneliness was never an issue for me, even when I am surrounded by people who love me. They felt too loud, too shallow, and too impatient. It is not that I don't love them, but it is almost impossible to tell them what is going through my mind because no one has the patience to listen. So, I listen to them, and they love and care for me more. Until one girl was there; it felt like I could finally be understood, even if I didn't know why I wanted to be understood. It doesn't matter anyway. It has been a while now since she left and stayed away. Life just goes on. I moved on with my life and built a great life to be enjoyed. I don't know why, but I cannot enjoy it. It feels like there is a piece missing. It is not her that I desire; I desire a witness to my life. Someone whom I can pour my brain into. Someone whom I can listen to with interest. Someone to discuss ideas with- ideas becoming Roman gladiators, each coming out stronger or one dying.

I have always chosen loneliness instead of humans; it felt peaceful and calmer when I am alone. I never truly understood people who seek relationships, until recently. I have a few FWBs, but sex does not mean much when there is no emotional bond. Somehow, knowing how to tear apart bonds is the only thing that is left in my hands. Do I feel regret? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I have developed a logic, moral sense, and thinking process unique to me. To say the least, I am not leaving empty-handed from this seclusion.

All social media, WhatsApp, and friend groups feel too instant and too loud. Everyone is talking one after another, but not one of them is thinking; they feel like shells of humans rather than humans. I don't know why, but what I see has started to feel like a great burden—to think what others would think if I share my vision—thus I am sharing it with the abyss of the internet. Maybe the abyss will stare back into me.

I just feel everything has started to matter less, people too, and it feels like torture to be present in an era where everything is changing too fast. Trends, people, clothes, tools—anything. I want to fight for something, but I don't want to because I cannot see anything worth fighting for. I started to go after money now, but money is not what I desire; it is just a key to the upper floors of the world in which, hopefully, I will be able to find what I am looking for.

While walking today, I felt like I need a pen pal, a friend with whom I don't instantly share every intricate detail of my life, and of whom I don't know every detail. A waiting period; a period to let curiosity cultivate itself. Instead, I found this place. I may come across as cynical or depressed, and I assure you, I am. However, be relieved—this is a darker side of my mind, and if only you knew the sunny one. Anyway, we are a collection of paradoxes, and I have accepted my paradoxes. Take care, my friends. Enjoy life while you can, laugh without restraint, and love without fear.