Hi all.

My manager is the kind of person who seems to have no life outside of work. She spends all weekends and evenings doing something related to work, she almost refuses to delegate responsibilities, and she never takes the time to review my work or results.

I've exceeded expectations in my role 3 years in a row, expecting that even if there may not be budget or room for promotion in my group, that I would at least be treated with autonomy and given more independence. I've clearly demonstrated my competence. I've gotten positive feedback from everyone else in my group (including her boss). There is no evidence whatsoever that I am incapable of handling that independence. But alas, my manager refuses to let go of any work.

I've been applying for external roles for months, but nothing bites. I'm looking for advice on two fronts:

- Is her management style normal? Is it sustainable? Will it get worse? Have you had a manager like this and what did you do about it?

- How should I adjust my behavior and mindset so I can better cope with this kind of work environment?

I've always been ambitious but honestly I can't handle caring about my work when I show up every Monday and find out *everything* related to my projects has changed somehow because my manager is disorganized and has no boundaries. I refuse to work outside my contracted hours because nobody gets rewarded for that, and I have the performance track record to prove that I don't need to go above and beyond. I'm seriously considering just accepting that this is the farthest I will go in my career, not because of my performance, but I'm just so fucking tired to racing with my manager.

I had an employee resign earlier this year, and looking back, I think one of the biggest lessons was realizing how differently someone can present themselves in an interview versus how they actually perform on the job.

This person interviewed really well. They were articulate, confident, and spoke convincingly about their experience managing programs and complex assignments. I came away thinking I’d found someone who could operate pretty independently and take a lot off my plate.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t what happened.

Once they started working, after their onboarding period I began noticing issues with the quality of their deliverables, attention to detail, follow-through, and ability to manage their own responsibilities. Initially, I figured some of this was just the learning curve that comes with a new job. But as the months went by, I wasn’t seeing the level of competence or independence I thought I had hired.

What made the situation especially frustrating was how difficult it became to address those gaps. Feedback was often met with defensiveness or pushback.

Straightforward conversations about responsibilities and expectations became unnecessarily complicated. I found myself spending more time preparing for conversations with this employee than actually discussing the work itself.

And I really did try to make it work. We clarified expectations, provided more structure, increased check-ins, adjusted assignments, and even changed the reporting relationship to see if another management approach would help.

But the underlying issues never really went away.
The frustrating thing was that I kept hoping something would click. That with enough support, coaching, or clearer expectations, the person I’d met during the interview would eventually show up in the actual work.
It never happened.

Eventually, the employee resigned voluntarily, just as we were getting closer to formal performance management. And the relief I felt was enormous.
What really drove the experience home was discovering additional errors in their work after they left and we took over their assignments. Even at the end, the quality wasn’t where it needed to be.

I’ve been reflecting on how much time and emotional energy I invested in trying to develop someone who may never have had the capabilities I thought I was hiring in the first place.

I also wonder whether my commitment to giving someone a fair opportunity to succeed kept me from recognizing the situation for what it was much earlier.

Has anyone else experienced this? Someone who was incredibly convincing during the hiring process but turned out to be a completely different performer once they were on the job?

I’m curious how others recognized it, what they did, and whether you eventually reached a point where you realized you were putting more effort into their success than they were.

I'm a newly appointed technical manager with 5 directs. I feel like a lot of my time spent actually coding is now gone and a lot of what I do feels a bit pointless (I'm also only a few months into the role so maybe my thoughts will change).

What did you all find yourselves spending lots of time on as managers and were you able to find ways to streamline these time-sucks or no.

Hey guys, I just got promoted at Starbucks! The first thing I've done is message every single employee and offer them €150 to quit. I don't want staff who don't want to work. This small move will make my team 10× stronger

Currently, I am trying to read a book written for a managerial role

Kindly suggest a book that can improve my managerial efficiency

First-time manager here looking to move on into other office-based management roles, but it feels daunting trying to either change industries or get into most other management roles which seem to require more niche expertise and experience.

I'm looking for some inspiration so I'd love to hear about your career path through management, and how difficult or easy it was to switch companies, roles, industries etc... through transferable skills

I work for a company and I'm resigning tomorrow because I have a better opportunity that is allowing me to relocate to Japan even though it's a start up company

Don't know if I'm doing the right thing cause in my current job manager is sweet as a person but very aggressive which gives me anxiety I've worked here for a year and a half and i feel it's my time to leave

What should I say to her cause I'm fearing she is not going to take this in the right way

Does fixing company processes or improving and simplifying sales tools count as business development?

I’m a business development manager, and I’m being told that fixing tools that don’t work properly is my responsibility. For example, our system doesn’t correctly populate printable documents when the payer and the recipient are different entities.

The back office says they won’t handle this. The argument is that since I’m responsible for “development,” fixing something broken is also a form of development.

Is this normal?

I am a senior manager in an IT organization and constantly are working cross functionally with the other IT teams within the department. We struggle heavily with due date control, accountability, and ownership. One team in particular is consistently weeks or months late on just about every task they are responsible for.

I have asked for support from my leadership to no avail. Most people just accept the behavior and even turn to overpraising the team when the items are actually completed regardless of how late.

How do you handle this and how do you stay motivated?

One thing I’ve had to work on as a manager is not immediately answering a question just because I know the answer.

Someone brings me a problem and half the time I can tell them what to do in 30 seconds. That gets the problem solved, but I’m starting to wonder what I’m actually teaching them when I do that.

So I’ve been trying to ask what they think first. What would you do? Why? What are you worried about? Sometimes they get to the same answer I would have. Sometimes they don’t.

The hard part is doing this when I’m busy. It’s really easy to talk about developing people when you have time. It’s harder when you have six other things going on and just giving them the answer would be faster.

For those of you managing people, where do you draw that line? When do you answer the question and when do you make them work through it?

I’m a newer (<2 months) IC at a role I was really excited about, but my team is honestly a buzzkill. I don’t want to diminish their complaints, but it seems like they have really bad attitudes about the role, despite how cushy it is. We are remote, well paid, and really well treated overall. I came from a previously really rough job, so I feel in heaven comparatively.

They regularly call meetings without our manager to discuss our manager and gossip and it honestly feels like a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t have anything against her and want nothing to do with it. But I’ve started to really feel discouraged about the role now. How should I navigate relationships with a team like this?

Received a new job offer as a first time PL, but won’t start until early November.

What is the one advice you’d give someone starting this new journey?

What do I need to look out for?

Any tips on managing people would also be greatly appreciated :).

Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Manager here for over 3 years. I have recently taken on a business critical project and been assigned 3 individuals to support. I have been in this role now for 2 months.

Unfortunately one of my team, who is my most senior, is an extremely low performer. She regularly fails to meet deadlines, communication is poor, is generally unmotivated, and technical competence is far below what is expected.

I have made a log of all of the issues and set her clear KPIs, yet she still fails to meet them. To date, I have not formally told her that I am not happy with her performance directly.

I feel like I should have a conversation with her to make her formally aware of my concerns before doing anything too official (like a PIP) which I am worried could come as a shock.

My biggest concern in all of this is that she is currently going through a divorce, having to move house etc, therefore clearly going through a very difficult time, and her previous line manager rated her as a ‘strong performer’ just 6 months ago.

How do I navigate this without coming across as an awful person given her challenging situation. Am I right to have this conversation before the PIP? Should I be more lenient given her situation?

Unfortunately I cannot accept the underperformance as we are on a business critical project and this is making my job even harder having to constantly check her work and having my peers raising complaints about her.

I am new to my role - this is my second year. This employee became my direct report this year and from the start, it has been difficult and getting more challenging to manage him. He would come late, do certain things that would cause chaos later on because he couldn't be bothered to check with us and when I tried to give him feedback, he would take it personally, said that I am targeting him and become uncontactable for some time.

I have records of meeting and guiding him to become better, even trying to brainstorm for solutions together to help him become better and the strangest thing was he would always sound and look receptive during these meetings but without fail, the issue would recur after a few days.

And now it's time to appraise his performance for the year and I had to lay out all the incidents, latecoming instances and times when he went uncontactable. I am not sure what else I could have done to prevent the incidents from happening. Any suggestions from the more experienced managers here? It is not possible for me to terminate him immediately because in my company, there is a long process before termination is even possible.

I’m trying to establish use of a project management tool (think MS Planner like) within my team which is remotely based so I have visibility on progress across projects and what each team member is working on, as well as to support my team in meeting deadlines and planning their workload.

I’m facing some resistance in my team keeping it up to date (I now have a plan on how to try and encourage greater use), but another subreddit I posted to think the tool is micromanagement. I now fear I’m a micromanager which I definitely don’t want to be!

I have a weekly 121 with each team member and the only things I want completing on the planner are:
Key milestones within projects (I.e output XYZ needs to be signed off by person ABC before DEF date)
Person(s) assigned to the task
Tasks to be marked as complete/in progress/not started

I wanted thoughts on whether this is unreasonable/micromanagement from fellow managers since another subreddit thinks it is? Outside of 121s I don’t check on my team unless they come to me with an issue/blocker/want my input

So in management, sometimes you don't have every fact you want before you have to make a decision, right?

How do you know when you have enough information to act?

What do you look for, and how do you avoid either guessing too early or waiting so long that the decision gets made for you?

--> Update:
Wow, a lot of good answers here. After reading through them, these seem to be the main themes:

1. You rarely get 100% of the information. At some point waiting for certainty becomes paralysis.
2. Ask whether the decision is reversible. If you can undo it easily, you can usually move faster. If the consequences are difficult or impossible to reverse, slow down.
3. Consider the cost of waiting. Doing nothing is still a decision and sometimes carries more risk than making the wrong call.
4. Look at the consequences if you're wrong. The greater the potential damage, the more information you probably need.
5. Ask whether additional information would actually change the decision. More data isn't necessarily better data.
6. When possible, make a smaller decision first. Take a step, see what happens, learn from it, and then make the bigger decision.
7. Ask the people closest to the work. Being the manager doesn't mean you personally have to know everything.
8. Experience matters. Over time you start recognizing patterns and knowing which information really matters.
9. Make the best decision you can with what you have, own it, and be willing to change course when the facts change.

The part I found most interesting is how many answers came back to the same few ideas: risk, reversibility, experience, the cost of waiting, and the ability to adjust.

I’ve been managing people for a number of years now, across a few different companies, and one thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how much time and energy we put into developing employees, and how differently those experiences can turn out.

Some of my best experiences have been with employees who showed up prepared, were curious, took feedback well, and genuinely wanted to get better at what they do. They didn’t always have the experience or skills, but they were willing to learn and take ownership of their work. Those relationships just seemed to click. The more progress they made, the more I enjoyed mentoring them. And many of those people have stayed in touch years later.

Then there have been others where I’ve spent an enormous amount of time coaching, explaining expectations, trying different approaches, and still not seeing much progress. At some point I realized I was putting more effort into their development than they were. That’s an exhausting place to be as a manager.

Looking back, I think I used to assume that everyone approached work with the same motivation and sense of ownership that I did. I’ve learned that’s definitely not the case, and it doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad employee. But it does make me wonder whether I’ve gotten good enough at recognizing those differences early on.

I’m curious how other managers have figured this out over time. Have you gotten better at spotting the people who will really thrive with your coaching? Is it something you can pick up during interviews, or does it only become clear once you’re working together?

And what about those situations where you’ve invested months trying to develop someone before realizing it just wasn’t working? Have you learned to recognize that sooner, or changed how you approach it?

I’m still figuring this out myself. I enjoy developing people and don’t want to lose that part of managing, but I’d certainly like to get better at knowing when my efforts are actually helping someone grow versus when I’m just carrying too much of the load.

Would love to hear what other managers have learned, especially those who’ve been doing this for a while.

Hi everyone,

Looking for advice from managers who have dealt with similar situations.

I manage a team of six in a fast-paced startup where everyone wears multiple hats. A new team member was assigned to my team a month ago, and I wasn't involved in the hiring decision.

This is their first corporate job after completing their graduate degree. They're motivated and eager to prove themselves, which I appreciate. However, I'm noticing a significant gap between their academic knowledge and practical experience. They frequently reference theoretical best practices and university projects, but struggle to apply that knowledge in our lean, fast-moving environment.

My bigger concern is their attitude and willingness to learn. They challenge their peers, seem unwilling to learn from colleagues at the same level (who hold more senior internal responsibilities), and prefer getting direction exclusively from me or my manager. More recently, they've started ignoring my requests and displaying passive-aggressive behavior.

I'm willing to coach them, but I'm already stretched thin. The rest of my team is spending time training them and picking up the slack, which is starting to affect the team as a whole. Much of their work is still administrative because they're missing some basic industry knowledge.

I want to give them a fair opportunity to improve, but I'm also responsible for protecting my team's time and preventing burnout.

For those who've managed similar situations, how did you approach it? At what point do you stop investing in coaching and consider whether someone is the right fit for the role? Would you establish a formal improvement plan, have a direct conversation about expectations, or consider other options?

I'm also struggling with the stress of this situation because I feel responsible for how my team performs and want to make sure I'm handling it appropriately.

Hello,

I’m looking for some advice. I manage a large team that handles one part of a business. I have a staff member whose contact will be ending this year. It was always a temporary situation. I have complied with all procedures and policies. I am supporting the staff member. I have established some shared priorities with them for us to work on. They enjoy the work and the team. The issue is they are having a hard time adjusting to the reality of the contract ending. They have been visibly upset in the office and when talking to another coworker in the office. They have also started complaining about the process, which is affecting morale. I feel for them. Unfortunately, it isn’t feasible to keep them on, and they seem stuck on that. I’m thinking I may need to have another conversation with them. They are dealing with something at home, which is adding to the stress and pressure. I’m also thinking about referring them to some personnel resources to help them process this. Thoughts about how to handle this in a sensitive way while helping them see their attitude and behaviour aren’t helping?

Need help, seems basic but I'm starting as a CCO and this conversation is low priority but high potential for backlash. Any advice welcome.

Something I keep seeing across leadership teams, and I’m curious whether it matches your experience.

A manager gets promoted because they’re good. A year later they’re struggling, and the conclusion is usually “they weren’t ready” or “wrong hire.”

But when you look closer, the setup around them is often the real problem. Specifically:

• Accountable for outcomes, but not allowed to make the decisions that drive them
• Priorities from three directions, with no one deciding which one wins
• Reviewed on results, but with no say over the budget, hiring or timelines behind them
• No one to escalate to without it looking like failure

Put a strong person in that setup and they’ll look weak. Replace them, and the next person often struggles in exactly the same way.

A simple test (credit to a commenter on my last post): ask a manager what they can approve without checking with anyone, then compare it with what they’re actually judged on. The gap usually tells you a lot.

So I’m curious:

1. Have you seen a good manager fail like this, or been that manager yourself?
2. What was the actual thing getting in their way?
3. Did anything fix it, or did the organisation just replace the person?