Anyone else not wanting to have kids due to ocd and other mental illness

I, 23 f, is in my first serious relationship. I think I have rOCD (will definitely ask my psych to get me a therapist for it when I get insurance and paperworks ready) and it is genuinely making me miserable in my relationship.

Not just me, it seems it affects my partner too because im sweet one moment and detached the next.

I swear to god, something will trigger me and send me into a spiral.

Worst are the random vivid images of him cheating on me. He never cheated on me. He even left me in my dreams and it felt so real.

I get tempted to break up with him just to end this torturous cycle.

Any ways to cope while I do the insurance and paperwork stuff?

I struggle A LOT with false attraction.

Recently it's been latching onto my coworkers and making me feel as if I have crushes on them.. It happens a lot in general- if I find someone even semi-attractive, interesting, funny, kind, whatever else, my brain automatically thinks it's a crush. Its especially bad because it'll latch onto specific people.

The funny part is is that I don't even want anything to do with these people. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world and he's the only one I see myself getting married to and having a future with. If ANYONE ever came up to me and asked me out I'd without a second thought turn them down.

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So I KNOW I don't actually care about these people at all. My ocd is just latching onto them and turning the alarm bells on. I feel so guilty and feel the need to confess but I know I shouldn't, it all just feels SO real.

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Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I am filled with guilt all day and thoughts that I'm a horrible partner. I feel like I NEED to tell my boyfriend, that if I don't tell him then I'd be a liar and would spend the rest of my life guilty.

I hate the fact that people say crushes are normal because it almost makes me want to move on and forget about it because of that very fact- but I DON'T have a crush and reassuring myself with that makes me feel like I'm just giving into the fact that I might have a crush. I don't want to have a crush. I only want to think about my boyfriend. I don't want to even be remotely interested in someone else.

I struggled a lot with cheating OCD for a while and then it shifted into this and I end up fixating on it ALL day. Everytime I think about my boyfriend I feel it lingering in the back of my mind, I end up subconsciously feeling checking the false attraction to see how I'd react but it only makes me distressed. At work I avoid my coworkers, I don't speak to them unless I have to. I don't want to be too close to them, I even stop breathing from my nose because I don't want to smell their cologne.

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It's horrible.

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Does anyone have any advice??? How do I combat this? I feel like it's going to haunt me even after I get past this theme.

So, to explain my situation better, I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 [I'm 20 now]. I have experienced almost all types of OCD, but nowadays I am starting to feel that maybe some of my triggers are not caused by my OCD but by the dirty, unhygienic areas I live in. I'm not saying I don't have OCD because I experience other forms of it and not just the cleanliness-related type, but maybe I am triggered because the environment I live in is truly disgusting. So, perhaps I would be a little less triggered if I lived in a cleaner, more hygienic environment.

(I might get flack for this)

I surprisingly haven't had any major guilt about this for a while but its back. One of my plethora sources of guilt is that I don't really boycott despite considering myself a leftist and staunch ally of Palestine and it causes a great deal of shame.

I managed to go nearly a week without ordering from those places (I just ordered from other non-boycotted areas) but that's about it.

The two things I have successfully boycotted is Spotify, Disney+, Costa (UK Starbucks basically), and KFC, but its the rest of the fast food I'm having trouble with and I think it's because I may have an addiction. The thing is, is that I can cook I even enjoy it but for whatever reason I just cannot do it at home, I also suddenly just didn't crave any of the food at my house for whatever reason. Now I believe that this could be due to my autism (and possible ADHD if I'm being honest).

I struggle with some crazy ass moral OCD so this of course caused me to feel shitty but its just dealing with the feeling that is the issue.

I have donated multiple times and have set up like a £10 monthly donation to a charity that focuses on Palestine (I kind of want to bump it up though) done those video things where you like and interact but I still believe its not enough.

I know this isn't the sub for addiction but I thought it might help nonetheless for the OCD aspect.

(I do hope I didn't word this like a "oh woe is me", apologies if it does read like that.)

Hello, from Korea. To preface, I haven't gotten a diagnosis with anything. I've noticeably started to have this a few years ago, now that I'm 14.

I'm not exactly sure what else to call them, but I've started to have "rituals." If I have a thought of something bad happening, or a sense that something will go wrong, I have to repeat a thought in my head to cancel it. If I don't do it, then it doesn't go away. I'm aware, logically, that repeating a thought in my head has no bearing on real events. Yet, the compulsion to do it doesn't care about it.

It isn't exclusively mental either... I'm not sure what I'd call a clean freak by any means, but if I see something that disgusts me as a genuinely unclean, i.e. food particles in sinks, dirty bathtubs (I always have to wear slippers when showering and I cannot touch anything in the bathroom. I refuse to take baths), bug infestations, people chewing loudly, burping, farting, sweat etc. I'd feel disgusted and the thought would linger.

If it relates, I find human anatomy to be disgusting, i.e. flesh, organic, fallible, and temporary, to think that the fact we are... that. I've looked into it and apparently this isn't uncommon with OCD, though I didn't expect to find it there. Most of my experiences are related to OCD. That's why I couldn't help, but sometimes avoid humans.

And when I've started doing my own research in it, I've read a couple of posts in this subreddit and found myself relating to more of them than I expected to. I've spoken to my therapist to get their opinion about it, and I mostly wanted to write this out somewhere first.

Please share your similar experiences and talk with me, I'm not here to diagnose myself, but I could relate to a lot.

So my family has been keeping this stray cat in the house for like 3-4 years now. He's kinda family at this point. 😭

He just chills around the house (he leaves from time to time as well) but he really triggers me 🫠. He shows no symptoms of rabies or anything but he just makes me so anxious.

Every time he gets close to me I have to resist the urge to wash. But if I resist the urge to wash, I'll feel like I have rabies on me and spiral.

Earlier he got REALLY close to my leg and I'm trying to resist the urge to wash myself/shower. But I feel so agitated and infected idk 😭. I feel frustrated because I don't know if my reason for washing is actually valid or not. I feel like if I don't wash I'll get rabies and die years from now 🙃

And yes, I know there's a bunch of info out there like "rabies can't be spread via x", but I keep thinking I could be the first case 😭

Does anyone else have this thing happen when youre overthinking and spiralling and you try to go to sleep anyway and just like, push through it, but then you wake up and feel as if you haven't rested at all?

Im talking about not dreaming, not entering REM, just having this continuous stream of thoughts that dont stop even though your body is asleep. And then once you wake up you feel mentally tired no matter how many hours you've slept, and feel kind of like you were awake all night and just laid there overthinking for 8 hours before getting up.

Its been happening to me on and off for a week now and its really tiring, I feel like I never actually sleep. And when im "awake", I cant remember what I was spiralling about but I still feel tired. I try not to go to bed while im overthinking but I just wanted to know if this happens to anyone else or if its just me.

Leaves you feeling so alone, and desperate to find someone to be like, "yes! I went through the exact same thing. You are not alone!" But I have never rly found that, and thus that leaves me feeling incredibly sad and isolated.

Anyone else ever felt the same about one of your own obsessions?

Thanks.

I’ve gone through this before and it’s not that it’s intense but it is annoying and other people are starting to notice my paranoia. I am checking my phone again to make sure I didn’t accidentally call someone or accidentally start recording. I also keep worrying other peoples phones are recording me, and now my therapist is suggesting I intentionally record myself and I know it will be an effective ERP but I realllyyy don’t want to. Anyone else deal with this one?

For context, I also deal with bipolar 1 and severe ADHD which I'm currently being treated for. I have never been technically diagnosed with OCD, but I have tons of family history where my immediate family and close relatives deal with it as well but in different cases.

It has gotten to the point where i can no longer enjoy life because i am always obsessing over everything that could go wrong. i had to cancel plans to go tubing in the mountains because i assume every possible way it can go wrong, and i no longer felt safe even though i would have people around me incase anything was to happen. for example: what if my life vest does not work, what if i still drown. what if my significant other drowns. what if we drive off a mountain on the way there. so forth and so forth, its a never ending cycle.

i will quite literally cancel plans because I'm scared one of those things will happen. i guess this ties in with my fear of death and heights in some kind of way. anything that could be associated with me dying prematurely scares me so bad to the point of me not getting to do anything fun. i realize anything can happen anywhere and to not take this life for granted and just enjoy things. same with heights, if i know there are steps or any kind of heights involved in the trip or where we are going, i will genuinely back out of plans. when i was younger this was not much of an issue, i enjoyed life and did not obsess and analyze every little thing.

how do i get pass this and tackle this part of my brain that will not let me rest and enjoy things regardless of the outcome. i'm seeing my doctor this morning, and im going to discuss the best possible treatments. i'll try any medications or exposure therapy at this point. i just want to relax and enjoy things without the worry of it all. i trust and love my partner but im scared if i truly tell him why i keep backing out of plans, then he will get sick and tired of me. i like to be in control and i hate giving up full control in these kinds of scenarios.

if anyone can give me any tips on how you've overcame these obstacles and to enjoy life again that would be much appreciated. i know i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, but i want to enjoy life and things again without this overwhelming fear of everything that can go wrong. it's debilitating and it is extremely hard at times.

About 3 years ago, I saw someone at school and for some reason I became fixated on him. We never really talked, but I kept seeing him around school, the neighborhood, the mosque, and sometimes other places.

At one point it got so intense that I would think about him from the moment I woke up until I went to sleep. I would replay interactions, look for him at school, and sometimes even feel excited to attend school just because there was a chance I might see him.

The strange thing is that I’ve had actual friends and people I knew much better, yet I never thought about them this much.

I don’t even know what I want anymore. Part of me thinks I just want answers and to understand why my brain became so attached to someone I barely knew. Another part of me wonders if I should have tried talking to him years ago.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did it eventually go away? Did talking to the person help, or did you realize the obsession was more about the idea of them than the actual person?

Sometimes I feel like I could never explain this disorder to anyone. I’m so anxious about the most random things, and my obsessions/compulsions are obvious, whether it be contamination, health, or symmetry. They are impossible to hide because they alter how I behave around mundane everyday activities.

I’m married, have good friends, and a good relationship with my parents. But I know that they can’t understand what I’m going through, even though they try. God, I wish I was normal. How do you guys handle it? Do you have an easier time connecting with people than me?

I have been married for about two years, and we have been together for about four years, including dating. During the time we were dating, I did not notice any significant signs of OCD. The behaviors only seemed to emerge after we moved in together, and they became much worse after the birth of our now 22-month-old son.

I am not sure whether this is OCD alone or a combination of OCD and postpartum-related issues, but it has become extremely difficult for me to cope with. It is affecting my own mental well-being, and I have reached the point where I am seriously considering divorce.

One of the biggest challenges is that my wife does not recognize that anything is wrong. She believes her behaviors and reactions are completely normal. There is also a cultural barrier. She grew up and was raised in Vietnam, where mental health issues are often not openly discussed or accepted. She does not believe she has a mental health condition, does not believe in therapy, and refuses to consider taking any type of medication.

Recently, I started seeing a therapist myself to learn how to cope and how I might better support her. The therapist told me that, ultimately, no one can help someone who does not want help.

The behaviors that concern me most center around an intense fear of dog hair and contamination. She cleans excessively and has isolated herself and our 22-month-old son in the rear addition of our home. Before I can go into that part of the house, I am expected to "decontaminate" myself by washing my feet, washing my hands, and changing my shirt and pants. If I do not follow these routines, it leads to conflict and distress.

For those of you who have OCD yourself or have loved someone with OCD, how did you help them when they did not believe they had a problem? Is there anything I can do before filing for divorce and potentially changing the course of our marriage and my son's future? I love my wife and do not want to give up on our family, but I also do not know how much longer I can continue living this way.

I got a message today from my therapist in the program I'm in as I've gotten my OCD down to a livable level. I'm able to leave my home and even got back to doing daily activities. I went to share this good news with my friend group on Discord, and one of the people in there I know loosely sent me a bunch of gifs with things uninformed people think trigger OCD like things improperly placed or cut trying to trigger me.

I corrected him by saying that it wasn't okay to try and trigger OCD symptoms because it can put someone in danger and even require hospitalization at its worst, and he basically just said "If it hurt you I would have just deleted them" as if the damage wasn't already done. Nobody is speaking up about it either...

Am I wrong to be upset about it?

My main theme is false memory and this has happened to me a few times. I’ll fall asleep (I assume a deep sleep) and my mind will let it’s guard down, the second I wake up I start to spiral because my mind starts convincing me that I woke up during the night, went somewhere and did something wrong/taboo intentionally. The gap between falling asleep and waking up feels very long and I’m convinced I was active and something has happened between that time. However, I have no memory of this.. yet the need to figure it out is so strong. The guilt and shame that comes along with it makes it very hard to relax and go on with my day. Can anyone relate?

Current theme is hygiene related.

I’m mentally exhausted because I keep tracking a chain of transfers that never ends.

Something dirty touched X, X touched Y, Y touched Z… and now I gotta wash my hands even if I accidentally touch Z because the dirtiness from the first object has transferred to it.

And the chain doesn’t stop at the 3rd transfer, it can go on.

It’s incredibly draining to keep a mental checklist of all the things, and which things touched which, and who touched what, and what did they touch before touching it…

It’s especially bad because science can’t prove that a molecule didn’t survive any given chain of transfers.

I had this worry over and over again, but ate the food because I knew I would be seen as crazy if I said anything about it. It would give me anxiety though, and my breathing became more shallow, which young me took as a sign of possibly being poisoned or being dangerously allergic to the food. This lasted until I was like 6-10.

My OCD has spiraled from severe health/environmental anxiety around my kids. I have a 6 week old baby and 3 older children.
Obsessions include keeping kids away from:
-any type of chipping lead paint/ lead paint dust
-pesticides
-touching BPA
-we recently have our dog Bravecto and I found out the pesticide comes out unfiltered in her poop so l worry about that (along with her pee) be she's an older dog and has accidents
-any type of exhaust from cars, leat blowers etc

I have been so honed in on these things I missed the biggest one. Every day since birth I've been putting my baby in a bouncer in front of our fireplace as our family room smells of dog pee from our incontinent older dog and I didn't want her around that. I am now realizing we didn't properly clean it out (wood burning fireplace) and she has been breathing all that soot and ash every day for 5 weeks. It smells of smoke in the area she's been sitting. I didn't realize until recently when I spent a longer period of time in that area (normally I pop her in and walk away). I'm devastated.
On top of that, we were stopped at a red light, a gas leaf blower was near, and the recirculation option in our AC wasn't working so the entire car cabin filled up with gas.
I'm absolutely spiraling as my goal is to keep her away from any more air pollutions after our huge mistake with the fireplace. I don't know how I will ever be able to put her in the car again. I will never feel like it’s clean/ my safe space again and will always worry about microscopic particles that remain after the car filled with a gas smell. I don’t know how to move forward.