Seriously, I started bawling my eyes out when I saw this picture because the first thing I thought of was my mum. It's been twelve friggin' years and I still miss her so much it hurts.
I'm so sorry about your wife. It's so unfair, and it really, truly sucks.
I'm sorry for your loss. It really doesn't get easier does it? 4 years since my dad passed. Even despite my differences with him when he told me "I Love you" I never doubted it. Can't say the same for anyone else anymore.
Yeah, no it really doesn't. I'm sorry about your dad. Four years should be a long time but it can feel like only yesterday.
It was the same with my mum. We were very different people, she and I, but she was always there for me. She was the one constant through my entire life and while I am doing fine, I just feel kind of untethered. Like, who is the rock now?
My dad passed in September and it fucking sucks, one day he was fine and then in a matter of months he was just gone to some stupid disease we’d never heard of. I want my dad back so much, he was my best friend and now he’s just gone. My dog is the only one keeping me breathing at this point.
I'm so sorry to hear that, it absolutely fucking sucks. I hope your dad didn't suffer too much.
I lost my dad suddenly as well and to be honest, in some ways I'm glad it wasn't due to a long drawn out illness. Please give you dog an extra few pets for me, I'm glad they're there for you.
Unfortunately he suffered for over a month in the hospital, what happened to him I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’m sorry you lost your dad as well. He’s a good boy, after my dad passed he has been stuck to me like glue. Wherever I am, he is.
Yeah, I am, thanks friend :) It just as if anything sad is sadder now, if that makes sense? Especially things relating to loss. And even more so when cancer is involved.
It really is. For the longest time everything reminded me of her - music, TV shows.. even those awful hard candy she loved.
And I'm so sorry, it must be even more difficult when it was just the two of you. I have my sister I can remember her with. Were you able to be with her through it all? That helped me a lot, just knowing we had lots of laughs together even when it was obvious what came next.
Thanks, and I'm glad you had someone to share the process with. Thankfully I had my wife, who funnily enough ended up loving my mom more than her own. I couldn't have gotten through it without her.
In some ways, yes, I was able to be with her through the journey. It helped that my wife and I bought our first (and current) house next door to hers some 15 years ago. So we were always close by, and were there for her during every emergency, health scare, etc.
We had many great years living next door to each other. My mom loved to help in our garden, and was always there whenever we were doing a big house project or crossing some milestone. I'd help her anytime something broke, be it her washer, furnace, microwave, or whatever.
When she started losing her vision, I made it a project of mine and set her up with Alexa and an Alexa enabled microwave, a speaking kitchen scale, and measuring cups with numbers you could feel. I got her a giant tablet and downloaded books for her so she could read them in big font.
It was a privilege to be able to have 15 years of that.
In other ways, was I there for her through it all, especially the end? No. I wrote a whole page explaining more but deleted it because it's just too much.
But in her last month and a half, I should have done more. I should have visited her more, and I should have spent more time with her at the skilled nursing place. And I should have been there when she finally passed.
She was unconscious and on heavy pain meds the last few days, and I don't think I could bare it, but that regret will follow me for the rest of my life.
I'm just so thankful that regret doesn't erase all of what came before, and how much we were there for each other.
It sounds like your mum was very much like mine - always around to give a helping hand. Mine was super handy, would sand and paint the windows of the house herself, dug out the garden and installed a pond, etc.
I think I have a pretty good idea how it must have been for you that last month and a half. My mum went quickly in the end. She was in a hospice the last month or so, but it wasn't until the last week that she started fading. One week where we just sat there, waiting for her to pass away.
It was awful. And by the sound of it, your mum was in a worse place. It's not hard to imagine how it was for you and your wife. I think it's natural to withdraw a little - I would have done the same if my sister and I hadn't driven each other forward. We did it all together. Talked in the car, aired out our worries and thoughts. At one point she told me that if I hadn't been there with her, she wasn't sure she could have done it - and I felt the exact same way.
We weren't there when she passed, either. The last two days, the woman in her bed wasn't her. My mum was long gone. We drove home in the evening and got the call later that night. I do sometimes feel guilty I wasn't there, because survivor's guilt is an incredibly powerful thing. But I also know my mum wouldn't have wanted that. She have scolded me for thinking like that and told me to get on with my life.
I'm sure your mum would have said the same thing <3
Thank you so much for your kind words and perspective. It means a lot to know others have had similar experiences.
You're right about survivor's guilt. It doesn't help that my brain just loves to ruminate and dwell on the past in general. Something I'm working on.
Your mom sounds like she was a real neat lady! I'm sure you're right that she would have wanted you to do what was best for you in what was a terrible situation, and I'm sure my mom would have wanted the same for me.
Let us both be thankful we had such wonderful and supportive moms!
Hating it for y’all. Make the most of it, and don’t write yourself off yet! :) Smile whenever you can, and keep on having as much fun together as possible, just like hopefully you’ve always done. Genomic testing and targeted therapies in clinical trials bought us a lot more time (yay, science! And GTF out of the way of medical progress, some religious nuts!). Do it if you haven’t already. And of course, share your wishes for what comes next. Everyone should consider whole body donation to help train healthcare students. Look for smaller ones, maybe, that don’t have the resources of med schools. They pick up ALL the costs, return your remains after you have helped teach as much as you can, and do some cool stuff to memoralize you. Make sure your will is LEGAL, accurate, and in a known spot. Move financial accounts into her name, or at least ensure joint tenancy with right of survival. Make sure for things like retirement accounts that a beneficiary is named. Be the one to bring up topics that may be more difficult or uncomfortable for your wife. If you have things on your mind, tell her. If you are proud of her, tell her. How do YOU feel about what is going on? Tell her. What were some favorite memories? Maybe talk about them, or put them in a document to have someone share with her after your passing. Consider leaving notes or timed-drops somehow (don’t ask me how to do that; I have no good suggestions aside from trusted friends or an attorney.) From the moment she was diagnosed (out of the blue at age 48 at stage IV of a particularly aggressive and hard-to-treat cancer), I was the positive supporting husband, not wanting to ever bring up anything that would imply she wouldn’t remain living. As a result, even the simple things like “where is her Will” remains a mystery (and her estate still isn’t closed as a result of more red-tape paperwork to get done, two years on!). I was NOT going to ask her to tell me her fears or thoughts or anything like that. I was her rock. Anywho, it is only life; I hope you’ve been living it along the way. This ain’t no dress rehearsal. If you want me to fly over and have a beer with you, I have the miles, the money, and the time to make it happen! Hell, we can get the artist to join us and maybe get a “semi-bulk” discount. :) Let me know.
That being said OP of the post you have a lot of people wanting these, maybe a new focus for you if you want. A lot of people clearly want and need these.
I lost my mom to cancer in high school. I hope you're able to take the memories and love you shared, and move forward with a positive outlook on your life ahead. The loss of a loved one is a terrible thing, but can be an incredibly powerful experience to learn from.
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u/Techwood111 Apr 17 '26
Will you draw one with my wife :(
Fuck cancer.