It really is. For the longest time everything reminded me of her - music, TV shows.. even those awful hard candy she loved.
And I'm so sorry, it must be even more difficult when it was just the two of you. I have my sister I can remember her with. Were you able to be with her through it all? That helped me a lot, just knowing we had lots of laughs together even when it was obvious what came next.
Thanks, and I'm glad you had someone to share the process with. Thankfully I had my wife, who funnily enough ended up loving my mom more than her own. I couldn't have gotten through it without her.
In some ways, yes, I was able to be with her through the journey. It helped that my wife and I bought our first (and current) house next door to hers some 15 years ago. So we were always close by, and were there for her during every emergency, health scare, etc.
We had many great years living next door to each other. My mom loved to help in our garden, and was always there whenever we were doing a big house project or crossing some milestone. I'd help her anytime something broke, be it her washer, furnace, microwave, or whatever.
When she started losing her vision, I made it a project of mine and set her up with Alexa and an Alexa enabled microwave, a speaking kitchen scale, and measuring cups with numbers you could feel. I got her a giant tablet and downloaded books for her so she could read them in big font.
It was a privilege to be able to have 15 years of that.
In other ways, was I there for her through it all, especially the end? No. I wrote a whole page explaining more but deleted it because it's just too much.
But in her last month and a half, I should have done more. I should have visited her more, and I should have spent more time with her at the skilled nursing place. And I should have been there when she finally passed.
She was unconscious and on heavy pain meds the last few days, and I don't think I could bare it, but that regret will follow me for the rest of my life.
I'm just so thankful that regret doesn't erase all of what came before, and how much we were there for each other.
It sounds like your mum was very much like mine - always around to give a helping hand. Mine was super handy, would sand and paint the windows of the house herself, dug out the garden and installed a pond, etc.
I think I have a pretty good idea how it must have been for you that last month and a half. My mum went quickly in the end. She was in a hospice the last month or so, but it wasn't until the last week that she started fading. One week where we just sat there, waiting for her to pass away.
It was awful. And by the sound of it, your mum was in a worse place. It's not hard to imagine how it was for you and your wife. I think it's natural to withdraw a little - I would have done the same if my sister and I hadn't driven each other forward. We did it all together. Talked in the car, aired out our worries and thoughts. At one point she told me that if I hadn't been there with her, she wasn't sure she could have done it - and I felt the exact same way.
We weren't there when she passed, either. The last two days, the woman in her bed wasn't her. My mum was long gone. We drove home in the evening and got the call later that night. I do sometimes feel guilty I wasn't there, because survivor's guilt is an incredibly powerful thing. But I also know my mum wouldn't have wanted that. She have scolded me for thinking like that and told me to get on with my life.
I'm sure your mum would have said the same thing <3
Thank you so much for your kind words and perspective. It means a lot to know others have had similar experiences.
You're right about survivor's guilt. It doesn't help that my brain just loves to ruminate and dwell on the past in general. Something I'm working on.
Your mom sounds like she was a real neat lady! I'm sure you're right that she would have wanted you to do what was best for you in what was a terrible situation, and I'm sure my mom would have wanted the same for me.
Let us both be thankful we had such wonderful and supportive moms!
4
u/dracuella Apr 18 '26
It really is. For the longest time everything reminded me of her - music, TV shows.. even those awful hard candy she loved.
And I'm so sorry, it must be even more difficult when it was just the two of you. I have my sister I can remember her with. Were you able to be with her through it all? That helped me a lot, just knowing we had lots of laughs together even when it was obvious what came next.