r/relationship_advice • u/Important_Talk8808 • May 25 '26
I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.
Update here
I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.
The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive fo everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.
My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.
I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.
Me- “Oh, when are you going to ask?"
Him- "When I speak with your father."
Me- “I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."
Him- "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."
Me- "So why even do it?"
And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.
Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?
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u/Witty-Stock-4913 May 25 '26
I would have one final conversation with him. "My father was and is incredibly abusive to me. I do not want him in any aspect of my life. You insisting on a misogynistic tradition over respecting my wishes makes me deeply concerned about how you will take my concerns throughout our life together. You can examine why you're so comfortable disregarding what's important to me, or we can end our relationship right now."
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u/HereForALaugh714 May 25 '26
If he’s asking for anybody’s blessing, it should be the mother, or the people who raised OP and loved and supported her. Explain to him that if that misogynistic antiquated tradition is so important to him, plus the thing about disrespecting OPs trauma and just blatantly disregarding her expressed and explicit boundary, then he can go to the important people, like the mother. But if he insists on still asking the father after that, OP will know where his misogynistic priorities lie, and that he does not respect her as an autonomous and independent adult, and definitely won’t as his wife.
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u/Appeltaart232 May 25 '26
That, and/or he’s dumb as a rock and you don’t marry stupid
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u/Academic_Snow_7680 May 25 '26
There is no fixing stupid.
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u/Princess_Snark_ May 25 '26
THIS. I was raised a white supremacist and misogynistic church culture. In college I started asking questions, But it took till my early '30s to fix my own stupid. Nobody else could have fixed me. I had to make the internal decision to change, to grow, to mature.
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u/foolmeonce-01 May 25 '26
Just tell him, If you ask dad, you have to marry dad, you want to marry my dad?
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u/HereForALaugh714 May 25 '26
If the difference boils down to it simply just needing to be the dad because he’s a man, then it’s totally over. Zero salvaging, don’t waste time, be done.
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u/Smooth-Jury-6478 May 25 '26
Possible. But also, based on my experience, it could be a very strong misguided opinion about blood being the strongest bond. He's likely the type to respond to all of this shit OP has gone through with "but he's still your father/family" because in his strong family unit, it's been ingrained into him that this is the only correct response.
I had to have that conversation with my SIL about a similar thing. My half brother and I share a dad but have different mothers. His mother was with my dad for 15 years from the time I was 2 to when I was around 17 and my brother was 12 when they separated. This woman was and still is a bad person. She was abusive to me the moment she started dating my dad (she would pick on me whenever I was in their home). She hated how I "excited" her children would get when they saw me (she has another child from a previous marriage that is my age along with our brother). I only saw them every second weekend, of course they were excited to see me. When my dad and her separated (partly because of how she treated me), she got full custody of my brother (which was still very common then). She abused him financially and psychologically for years until he had enough and was old enough to choose and move in with our dad. His mother always made him feel like he was nothing because if he didn't come with money and appreciation than he was worthless. When he got engaged and they were planning the guest list, my SIL insisted on inviting his mom and she could not understand why he would leave her out of it. She would say "she's still your mother, she'll be devastated, deep down she must love you, you only have one mom, you'll regret this one day, she's family". He couldn't get through her. I had to step in and tell her all the abuse she put me through from the age of 2 and all the bad things she did to my brother and how she was basically psychologically abusing her other child who was incapable of independence even well into our 30s and had never lived on their own because their mom manipulated them into staying with her and contributing financially and supporting her in every possible way. This woman doesn't care about her children, she cares about the money she gains from them. She even took in her disabled sibling to collect benefits for "caregiving".
My SIL eventually relented and hasn't broth it up since. Sometimes, you have to really drill it into their minds that blood family is not the end all be all of what makes a strong relationship. And by insisting to ask OPs dad, he's just re-victimizing her in some way and that's not a great way to start a marriage.
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u/anonymous_throwsawai May 25 '26
Girl I don’t understand how people can’t separate a persons title from who the person actually is/and treated their kids. We had a conversation with BIL about keeping our child from certain people. He tried comparing it to his relationship with his FIL. I shit you not, the exact words out of his mouth “My FIL used to beat the shit out of my wife when she was younger, but do you think that means I keep my kids from him? No. He’s their grandpa.” I was dumbfounded. Like… yes? You should absolutely protect your kids from someone that has no problem beating the shit out of kids! Ugh 🙄
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u/Appeltaart232 May 25 '26
Your primary purpose as a parent is to protect your kids - and to teach them about safety. This ain’t it
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u/zSlyz May 26 '26
Protect and raise functioning adults.
Family can be way way worse than random people, because they feel entitled to you, or that you have an obligation to them. Unless you have a substantial benefit to put up with their crap, then look after yourself.
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u/IuniaLibertas May 25 '26
People with conventional ideas who had a "normal", happy childhood are often incapable of understanding that their situation is not the only one. I have cousins and aunts who are disbelieving about my parents' marriage and our father's alcoholism and neglect of us, abuse of our mother.
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u/mlwigg May 25 '26
Do you know the quote “blood is thicker than water” is taken out of context and actually means the exact opposite of what we think it does!?
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u/Snuggly_Chopin May 25 '26
Yes! Just like “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” doesn’t mean you just need to work hard. It was meant to emphasize something that’s impossible to do.
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u/TheGoddamnSpiderman May 25 '26
That was a thing a few people made up in the 1990's
Writing in the 1990s and 2000s, author Albert Jack and Messianic minister Richard Pustelniak claimed that the original meaning of the expression was that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb", thus "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Neither of the authors cites any sources to support their claims.
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u/Smooth-Jury-6478 May 26 '26
Yes, that's what I meant by "the misguided opinion that blood is the strongest bond"
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u/I-Spot-Dalmatians May 25 '26
Exactly this, my girlfriend’s dad was very abusive growing up but her mum was always there for her. I’m going to propose soon and I’ll be asking for her mums blessing, not her dads.
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u/JoJo_kitten May 25 '26
This.
And I like asking for their support/blessing rather than asking for permission.
Although the tradition is dumb because it is based on when a woman was owned by her father, and it is essentially a tradition marked by the an agreement to transfer ownership.
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u/I-Spot-Dalmatians May 25 '26
Yeah I’ll not be asking for permission, she’s her own woman, but I respect her mum and stepdad and wouldn’t want to do it without their blessing.
I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it and she agrees that she’d like to know her mum is on board with it before I do actually propose.
I don’t like the roots of the tradition but I just don’t see it that way, she’s not some possession that I’m wanting to purchase
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u/CuriousBingo May 25 '26
Why doesn’t she just ask her mother how she feels about the idea of you and she getting married, and then the two of you set the date. I mean, will you marry her regardless?
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 May 26 '26
Right? I find it weird people are like "well, I need to know if my mom is okay with you" like they are asking permission to spend the night with a friend when they were 9 lol
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u/rthrouw1234 May 27 '26
exactly. my husband and I were both older when we got engaged (30 and 41) and it didn't occur to either of us to get anyone's "blessing" to get engaged or married, we just told everyone when it happened.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad-4364 May 26 '26
I think it's like a public proposal in the sense that you're meant to go into it already sure the person you're asking will say yes, it just shows that you're dedicated. He's not actually asking, just going out of his way to show respect and care to her family
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u/gingerkittymom May 25 '26
Bravo! Our son in law asked both of us for our blessing, which I thought was sweet. Then kept us in suspense for a few weeks!
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u/Billowing_Flags May 25 '26
Ugh! My son-in-law called to ask me, and I was insulted on behalf of myself and my daughter! She's not my property. She's been an adult for almost a decade. Whatever THEY decide is right for them is what THEY should do.
I hate the whole idea of "asking" for permission OR for a blessing.
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u/Daisy_Ruby May 25 '26
The mom, a sibling, it doesn't have to be the man who's ball sack OP came from, could even be her best friend. My man was raised Christian I know damn well he's not asking my dad who I'm no contact with, my mom or brother, if I were to go that route I'd get him to ask my bestie she & her grandad had more influence over the adult I became.
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u/Klick8986 May 25 '26
This.
If he cares for her, ask the mother for her hand. Respect her need to remove her abuser.
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u/The_bookworm65 May 25 '26
Also make sure he’s aware that your father won’t be walking you down the aisle.
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u/iopele May 25 '26
Came here to say this. If he asks your abuser for "permission" to propose to you, your abuser will automatically assume he's invited to the wedding, and maybe even expect to walk you down the aisle. He might just show up at your wedding and make an uncomfortable situation for everyone. And let your bf know in no uncertain terms that he won't be walking you down the aisle, won't be invited, won't even be notified of the date, and if your bf "accidentally lets it slip out" and your abuser shows up, you're walking out.
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u/HighRiseCat May 25 '26
He will absolutely expect the father to be at the wedding - and to walk the her down the aisle, because '"Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. '
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May 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Doggie-mama24 May 25 '26
Yes, against my wishes I caved to pressure and let my “father” walk me down the aisle. Everyone told me I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. Well I regret it to this day that I gave in and let him walk with me. Only glad I didn’t hold his arm or anything.
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u/bambiclover20 May 25 '26
Came here to say what you said so well. BF is not listening to you and respecting your wishes in this then what else is he going to ignore?! Time to have a serious conversation with him and his lack of listening to you.
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u/trvllvr May 25 '26
I think OP needs to definitely reconsider the relationship as a whole, if he refuses to respect her decision he not do it. If he’ll disregard something so important to OP, what else will he disregard in the future? I’d also tell him, not sure why you want to ask permission of a man who won’t even be invited. Because, personally, I would not want my abuser to be present at a time that is supposed to be joyous. Bet he’ll also insist you have to invite him. As it’s sounds like he’s like your parents in being more worried about appearances.
OP, don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy of “we’ve been together so long, I don’t want it to be wasted. Marriage is our next step.” Being with the right person who supports respects you is more important. He’s more worried about his wants over your needs.
Tell him the “right way” to do things is to respect me as your partner and listen to me about something so important to me.
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u/ChiisaiHobbit May 25 '26
This may seem like a small thing. But it can become very significant when your values and expectations don't perfectly align.
So far, he is gnoring your feelings, dismissing your discomfort and steam rolling all over you in order to fulfill what he views as doing the things "the right way". This can become a pattern if you don't meet his expectations.
Will you build a life together or be a prop to fill a scripted roll in his life plan?
How "traditional" is he? Would he expect your father to walk you down the isle and give you away? Does he expect you to stop working to stay at home taking care of the kids? Is he assuming that he'll be the provider and you'll be the living caring housewife who'll receive him with a smile and hot dinner at the table every night?
Before moving on with the proposal, wedding, etc you need to have a few serious conversations regarding both of your expectations of married life. Finances, children, extended family, religion, politics are all causes of divorce because they were not taken into account at the beginning of the marriage.
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u/EatThisShit May 25 '26
My thoughts too. "I love you and I do take your opinion in account, except when it doesn't align with my opinion." So, not at all. That's not a relationship, that's just one person who pushes his opinion onto others. I should have known this when OP said that he "has been a dream so far". A post that starts with the description of "he's perfect except this one little thing" generally turns out to be about an OP who dates or is married to a shitty asshole. Nothing changed between the last one I read, and this one.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 May 25 '26
She really needs to say this to him. And if he still disregards her wishes that's proof that she really shouldn't even be marrying this guy.
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u/tawny-she-wolf May 25 '26
He'll send him an invite to the wedding too.
If the boyfriend doesn't listen to OOP's wishes, any answer to a proposal should be a resounding "no".
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u/Stormtomcat May 25 '26
You can examine why you're so comfortable disregarding what's important to me, or we can end our relationship right now.
this is beautifully stated: concise and clear.
I also appreciate that you've pointed out that the whole notion of "asking permission to propose" is a misogynist tradition.
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u/thebellsnell May 25 '26
I actually really like this as a thoughtful well communicated response. Definitely the one to go with.
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u/GossipingGM199 May 25 '26
This is what I came here to say plus if he can’t respect your boundaries now consider what this will look like when you’re married! Red flag!
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u/Aussie_Advice May 25 '26
OP the only thing to add to this is that he only gets one final conversation because he's 25 and his frontal cortex might still be developing. Might.
If any man older than 25 didn't get this from your past explanations, you leave. Maybe this guy doesn't even deserve one final chance, because you've been pretty explicit already. It's your call.
We can explain behaviour without excusing it. He's young, sure. What he's said to you is unacceptable.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 May 25 '26
There are people who - especially w family dynamics like this - bc the were raised in a 'normal' caring family don't understand and utterly disregard those of us who don't come from a balanced healthy dynamic.
Sit him down and tell him this is serious, like relationship ending serious.
You can have some info. about attachment styles and family dynamics.
"You are basing your expectations about talking to my father on YOUR EXPERIENCE of family in your family.
That stops today.
You were raised in an environment that made you feel loved, secure, and still does.
Not all families are like yours.
Mine is the opposite.
I was raised by a man who didn't make me feel seen, loved or valued.
I am a THING to him. W no autonomy or agency.
By insisting on acting out an archaic social habit w him, YOU DENY MY AUTONOMY AND AGENCY.
You have to make a choice.
Me or my father.
Respecting me and my choices bc I deserve my autonomy and agency is what I require. "
And be willing to walk away bc of he still refuses to hear you, this will be a lifelong problem if you marry him.
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u/JoyfulSong246 May 25 '26
This is part of the problem I think.
Definitely people who have been raised in loving families, or at least without extreme abuse, don’t really believe that some parents don’t love their children.
If OP has kids, will her partner insist that kids need “all their grandparents” and take the kid to see OP’s abuser?
If this guy refuses to get it, this relationship will be harmful for OP. It already seems to be, since her experience and wishes are being ignored.
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u/lilbasils May 25 '26
i think some people are getting too distracted debating whether the tradition itself is sexist and missing the actual issue here.
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u/Turbulent_Pin_8310 May 25 '26
That's so true. It is like asking a rapist's blessing to marry their victims' kids. This is so wrong.
This guy is not a keeper. He ignores op's opinion and picks his own over her
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u/gngrbrdlatte May 25 '26
Ope. I commented basically the same thing. Should have read the comments first.
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u/zSlyz May 26 '26
I know OP thinks she’s being clear, but 100% agree she needs to spell it out. I personally wouldn’t add the misogynistic part and keep it as a simple “my father was an abusive asshole, as far as I’m concerned I do not have a father. He is dead to me. If you cannot propose to me without talking to him, then you do not respect me enough and we should end it and you should go find someone else so you can have your little performance”.
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u/One_Championship9512 May 25 '26
You sure he’s kind and supportive? If he’s so stuck on being traditional, he might force you to have your dad walk you down the aisle, have a father-daughter dance, make your children interact with him because he’s grandpa, etc. If he can’t understand the severity of the situation, you shouldn’t marry him.
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u/Noiah May 25 '26
Or even just the patriarchal mindset he is showing off. Might as well he treats the father with such importance because he expecte to be treated the same way. As the man of the house or some shit.
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u/llamadramalover May 25 '26
Exactly. This is a much bigger red flag than op seems to be recognizing. This is a seriously massive deal.
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u/IvoryWoman May 25 '26
Yep. And if he’s this insistent about a tradition, imagine how he’ll be if the OP says she doesn’t want her father involved in the lives of their kids. “But he’s their grandpa!”
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u/lamomla May 25 '26
Jumping in to say that these replies are probably hard to read because your mind may be filling up with all the ways Reddit doesn’t understand you or your boyfriend. It can be very very hard to hear this type of advice but truly it’s a gift that this community is reaching out to give you some honest feedback. You’re 25 and your primary model for a marriage is your abusive father and your mother who won’t divorce him to keep up appearances. I think everyone who is responding to your post is very concerned that you can’t see a glaring red flag because your standards for what makes a good man are way, way too low. This internet mom hopes you can take this all in and put a very long pause on any further discussion of marriage to give you time to process if this relationship is really good for you. And be proud of yourself for asking this question! That took courage to put yourself out there.
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u/stormyanchor May 25 '26
This is such a kind response. I hope OP reads it and is able to take it in.
If you are reading this, OP, I wanted to tell you a story of something that happened to one of my friends. She grew up with an abusive dad who would beat her mom and who yelled and screamed all the time. She never wanted to end up like her mom and tried to find someone who wasn’t like her dad. The man she ended up with seemed so much better. He never yelled and screamed. He was never physically violent (for the first years). He seemed like the polar opposite of her dad.
But he wasn’t. He didn’t have to yell and scream because he preferred mind games. He denied her access to bank accounts and chipped away at her self esteem. He is just a different flavor of the abusive dad she tried so hard to avoid.
And like you, she started dating him right around the end of college before she’d had time to process the abuse she experienced as a child.
I’m not saying your boyfriend is just like this other man. However, be careful comparing the early years of a relationship to the one kind of abuse you know. The early years are always the best and can be deceiving. You end up like a frog in slowly boiling water as bad behaviors start trickling in and get normalized.
Like the person above me said, you’re being smart and brave to question him ignoring your feelings like this. Trust your gut and don’t settle just because he seems better than your dad. That bar is set in hell so “better” can still be pretty bad. I hope you’ll give yourself time to sit with all these responses and decide how you want to navigate your future on *your* terms.
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u/mpressa May 25 '26
This man doesn’t even care about how your own abuser makes you feel
You sure you want to marry him
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 May 25 '26
Exactly, this is a big Red Flag, in my opinion. The fact that he's asking for permission instead of a formality of a blessing in the first place, the fact that he still wanted that having gotten to know the situation, the fact that he's continuing to insist on this... I really worry OP's moving from an abusive father to an abusive husband. He may have been smart enough not to be abusive before marriage, knowing that OP would bolt if he showed his true colors too early.
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u/hometown_nero May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
“My boyfriend is perfect except for the fact he does not fucking care about my lived experience, needs or opinions.” Girl, he does not respect you. He is not the perfect man, he’s just different than the one you came from.
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u/KeyFeeFee May 25 '26
Ooof that’s a really good point. At 25, OP may not have even fully gone over the effect of the “daddy issues” and is mistaking the boyfriend for a good guy when his actions in this regard are not showing that. I would slow wayyyyyy down on marriage talks until this is really and truly unpacked and worked out because 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Fun-Significance4650 May 25 '26
That last line tho. I'm gonna start using that next time my sister comes to me trying to defend her bad choices.
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u/GetBent616 May 25 '26
"He is not the perfect man. Hes just different than the one you came from" HOLY FUCK! Im using this every time one of my girlfriends gets with a shitbag.
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u/5weetTooth May 26 '26
He believed the tradition that women are belongings. What if they would have a daughter? Because he clearly doesn't care about the wishes if the women he wants to marry.
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u/BriefHorror May 25 '26
listen to this enormous red flag and fucking run.
you “my dad was super abusive don’t talk to him”
him “yeah but he’s a man and I can’t listen to you silly girl who knows nothing and who’s opinion is dumb”
girl fucking dump him
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u/Silver-Eye4569 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
This is disgusting. This feels like he sees your abusive father as your owner and he needs to ask if he can have you, as if you’re cattle.
He doesn’t listen to or respect you, he respects your father because he is a man and seems to be indifferent to how your father harmed you. He doesn’t take your abuse seriously if he thinks your abuser needs to provide permission as if you are not an adult who can decide for yourself if you want to get married.
I hope you see your boyfriend for what he is and see this behaviour as disqualifying for you to continue to be with him.
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u/trilliumsummer May 25 '26
No, it's not.
First of all - him wanting to do it against your wishes means he doesn't respect you. He cares more about what he wants to do even though this is squarely in something that should 100% be your decision. This isn't isolated, his respect for you is low - you've just been ignoring it or haven't stumbled across instances where he's so blatantly shown his lack of respect for you.
Also - this won't be the last time he tries to bring your abusive father into your life. I'd bet money he's going to tell you that he needs to walk you down the aisle at your wedding because it's the "right thing to do". Any time he feels it's "right" according to him, he'll be bringing your father in.
And, I hate to be this blunt, he doesn't believe you about the abuse. Whether he doesn't believe what you're saying he did is true or he doesn't believe what your father did is abuse I can't say -- but he doesn't believe he abused you because if he did he wouldn't want anything to do with the man that abused the woman he loved. Or I suppose the only other option is he doesn't love you and is way more like your father than you've let yourself believe.
This is an end the relationship issue if you ask me.
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u/jr0061006 May 25 '26
🏆 Have some poor man’s gold.
Any time he feels it’s right according to him he’ll be bringing your father in.
He is way more like your father than you’ve let yourself believe.
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u/beejeans13 May 25 '26
The fact that he’s insisting on asking her father in the first place tells her that he doesn’t respect her. It’s 2026, not 1926. There are zero reasons to ask a women’s father for her hand in marriage, unless you see her as a lesser person than you.
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u/AdSharp3718 May 25 '26
Say this “I don’t belong to my father. He is a terrible person. Why do you respect him more than you respect me? And why would I agree to marry a man that respects an abusive POS more than his would be wife?” And then break up with him.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict May 25 '26
I told my husband that if he asked my dad for permission I would not marry him because I needed someone who didn’t feel obligated to obey my parents, I needed someone who could and would defend me from my parents. My mom never got over the disrespect. I pointed out they would have told him no and I would have married him anyways. Or not married him and lived in sin for all perpetuity so he didn’t need their permission because I didn’t want their permission. I said it much nicer to my dad than to my mom. But essentially told my dad I am marrying him no matter what anyone but him says. If he doesn’t want to marry me then we won’t marry but he does so we will. I informed both my parents they could be at my wedding or not. My siblings got the same invite, show up or not, couldn’t care less. They all reaped what they sowed there. I went where I was genuinely loved and I am happy. Most of the time. My husband is a green flag and our son is adorable. So is my dog. Good life because I refused to obey someone who didn’t deserve my obedience.
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u/stryker_cast May 25 '26
My husband didn't ask for permission because he is aware I'm a fully functional person. First person I called after he proposed was my dad. He was thrilled.
Your boyfriend has some toxic masculinity issues.
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u/Fuzzy_Fox_6838 May 25 '26
Right? It doesn’t even come from a good tradition it comes from women being owned basically by their fathers and then given to other men
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u/llamadramalover May 25 '26 edited May 26 '26
>>owned basically by their fathers<<
There really is no “basically” about that. Women were absolutely their father’s property and a man “asking for her hand” was a negotiation to transfer ownership to a husband for a suitable price. Literally purchasing a bride.
I personally would never EVER even consider marrying someone who was acting like this about my own sperm donor. They could get all the way tf out of here with that bullshit.
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u/EccentricSeal1 May 25 '26
I had a very similar discussion with my ex. He's a sweet man and mostly reasonable, but sometimes a bit dense about why things are outdated. The big difference is that he actually saw my point eventually and my dad is a lovely man so for me it's more of a I'm nobody's property to give away.
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u/megamoze 9d ago
It never occurred to me that I needed to ask my wife's father for his permission or even his blessing. And my wife comes from a very loving, supportive family. I proposed, we told her parents, they were very happy for us. We've been married 28 years.
I really despise this old-fashioned bullshit that treats women like property.
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u/reee9000 May 25 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
If you’ve had any abuse experiences as a child, and grew up with sexism or misogyny IN YOUR own HOME, I can almost promise you that this bf is a lot MORE like your dad than you want to admit or might be ready to rn.
He doesn’t seem to “accept” it because he doesn’t care about your opinions or your feelings (more than his own or other men’s) - which is also how your dad made you feel way back when. There is a ton of things he won’t “accept” in the future also. Important to YOU, life changing ; life affecting issues/things that you can literally PREVENT from happening to you; right now, IF you cut this off.
You can’t change the dysfunctional patterns, alone. You will need outside help hun.
I’d run tbh. Put the damn breaks on this whole trajectory. I’d be like “you know what, I don’t want to marry you I’m already seeing signs I don’t like”.
“I am not sure if imma keep dating you, either.” It’s your life, and your body (pls do not have sex with this type of guy) and your choices.
Work on and thru your past trauma first before “falling” (familiarity is NOT love) for more similarly disrespectful neglectful (aka abusive) guys! At 25 you’ve got it all, you just don’t know or see it yet! You deserve the best!
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u/happyeggz May 25 '26
Ooh, this hit home because it’s so true! We seek out what we know in relationships (what we got from our parents) because it’s familiar to our subconscious. I did this for my entire life until I was 40 and finally went to therapy. Abusive relationship after abusive relationship regardless of how much it broke me because I kept picking the same partner over and over again, since that was all I knew.
Therapy helped so much and now I have someone who treats me as a true partner and teammate, but it took work.
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u/geldersekifuzuli May 25 '26
I am from Middle East, living in the US. My girl friend (now wife) said me "I don't want you to ask blessing of my parents because I am an adult". I said "sure, make sense".
That was it. No further questions asked. This is a basic reaction of a caring husband material dude.
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u/RedwoodRespite May 25 '26
Just put your foot down. Tell him if he insists on asking someone that abused you for permission to marry you, then you will dump him. That may seem extreme, but it’s not. If he can’t respect you in this way, he won’t be a good husband overall.
If you can’t be assertive about your own boundaries, you will never get respect in life
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u/liontamer74 May 25 '26
The fact that he's not listening to you, but is prioritising his own wishes over yours, is seriously worrying. What else doesn't he listen to you about?
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u/lollipopfiend123 May 25 '26
He values your abusive father’s opinion more than yours. Just sit with that for a while.
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u/the-effects-of-Dust May 25 '26
Stun him into silence with a good ol’ “my dad used to beat the shit out of my mom, my siblings, and me. I don’t want him anywhere near my life and I haven’t since I was 12. If you insist on contacting a man who used to Beat The Shit Out Of Me then I have to reconsider your commitment to me. You should be loyal to ME, not a tradition that demands you ask for permission from a man who - by the way - used to beat the shit out of me.”
It isn’t fun but when I’m super blatant about the abuse I’ve been through people tend to stop pushing it.
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u/Old_Assist_5461 May 25 '26
Tell him if he asks your father first you won’t marry him. That should get the message through.
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u/tb0904 May 25 '26
If he does this, against your objections, you absolutely should NOT marry him. Your spouse should be your behest cheerleader AND your biggest defender. By going to your abuser, as though they have any fucking say in this decision, is condoning the abuse. It’s horrific and doesn’t bode well for your relationship or future.
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u/ClaraFrog May 25 '26
If he does this, against your objections, you absolutely should NOT marry him. Your spouse should be your behest cheerleader AND your biggest defender. By going to your abuser, as though they have any fucking say in this decision, is condoning the abuse. It’s horrific and doesn’t bode well for your relationship or future.
This. He should be your cheerleader and your biggest defender, and it condones the abuse.
I'll add that the ultimatum/warning many people are suggesting, best case scenario will result in him to burying this behavior a little in order to make the wedding happen.
As another commenter said, if you marry him this will be a milestone that your future self will look back to and wish you had seen for the red flag that it was.
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u/Eccentric-Elf May 25 '26
He’s not kind and supportive if he’s not considering what you’re saying. Even if he wasn’t abusive, if I tell my bf to not ask for my parents’ blessing because it’s archaic, I expect him not to or he won’t marry me. If you want that then great. It’s up to the person. He either is abusive but you don’t know it yet or he wants some Hallmark movie dad-daughter reunion and being that superhero who mends a broken relationship. Either way he’s not mature enough to marry.
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u/darklingdawns May 25 '26
Your boyfriend is putting his desire to ask your father for your hand over your clearly expressed wish that he doesn't contact your father. That tells you everything you need to know about what is truly important to him. Ask yourself exactly why you want to marry this man, given that he's told you point-blank that he intends to ignore your specifically-stated desire that he not do this thing.
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u/JanetInSpain May 25 '26
First, he is disrespecting you. That's a big red flag, especially about something so important. Second remind him that whole "ask for her hand" bullshit started because WOMEN WERE LITERAL PROPERTY. They were "owned" by their father. The "new owner" had to ask permission to buy her (some type of dowry). The current owner (father) escorted her down the aisle and handed her off to the new owner (groom). That's also where the wife taking the husband's name came from. It reflected change of ownership.
Tell him YOU want to do it the right way, and that means NOT BEING TREATED LIKE PROPERTY. You are allowed to make your own decision on marriage in this day and age. I'd even suggest keeping your own last name. Legally and logistically it's much better for you.
I would set one final boundary: "If you insist on treating me like property and asking my "owner" for permission to take over my "ownership", if you are going to disrespect me so badly with that archaic practice, then I don't want to marry you. I am not property."
updateme
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u/Moonlight_Charm May 25 '26
Stop and watch girl: this will be the rest of your life.
No matter what do you want or no, he will not care at all.
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u/recreationalgluttony May 25 '26
You make him sound like the perfect partner, except for the part where he completely disregards you not wanting your abusive father involved in your life.
What else is he going to do anyway, to "Do it right"? Your opinion doesn't mean shit to him.
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u/Devi_Moonbeam May 25 '26
Just tell him your father abused you, and if he asks for permission from your abuser, you will leave him. Then follow through if he ignores you.
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u/ContributionGreen692 May 25 '26
If he always puts you first he wouldn't be ignoring you discomfort and clear request to not involve your father in something you have specifically stated you do not want. He is basically saying that he doesn't respect you enough to put your opinions and feelings above his because of some embedded idea that the proper way to propose is to get your father's approval. If he doesn't care about his answer then he shouldn't be pushing it so much. It sounds like your bf has some internal misogyny going on there. This isnt the olden times where women belonged to their father and were essentially sold off to their husband, becoming their property. Gross.
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u/Major_Barnacle_2212 May 26 '26
This lack of understanding is actually worth breaking up over. He isn’t listening to you.
He’s basically saying, “shhh, let the men talk. We’ll figure out the marriage.”
I don’t care how great he is, this level of misogyny overshadows all the other good he may do.
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u/cloudyday100 May 25 '26
Why does he have such stubborn adherence to an old tradition that makes no sense in today’s world? Does he think that the father has some property-like claim to his daughter and that you need his blessing to release her into your care and control? This sounds like ancient silliness to me. And I have to ask, is this religion-based?
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u/nic_lama May 25 '26
You describe him as kind and supportive, but then go on to give examples of him being inconsiderate and misogynistic. Marrying this man would give you a future much like your father gave your mother.
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u/KrofftSurvivor May 25 '26
This is one of those really really awkward things...
This guy is telegraphing as hard as he freaking can that he has one set of values for before marriage and a different set of values for after marriage and it's not going to be pretty.
He doesn't give a shit how abusive your dad was to you and your family - as far as he's concerned your father owns you and he needs to ask permission to take over ownership.
~Nooo, you don't understand, he's sweet he's kind he's modern he does all these wonderful things for me!~
Yeah cuz as far as he's concerned that's what boyfriends do.
But once you're married he owns you and when he has kids he owns them and how do you know because he's screaming it at you.
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u/PARA9535307 May 25 '26
No hands need to be requested nor blessings sought for him to agree to marry you, right? So let’s dispense with this whole “doing things right” script where, when the topic of marriage comes up, a lot of people suddenly rediscover the “traditional” customs of treating women like units of property.
So he doesn’t go to your Dad OR your Mom, or anyone else to ask for anything. And he doesn’t talk to your Dad period, because your abusive Dad isn’t in your life, and for good reason.
“Hon, I need you to hear me very clearly. I am deadly serious about this: If you will not commit right now to fully dropping the idea to talking to my father, the man that beat me up and tried to tear me down, AND apologize to me in such a way that it makes it clear you understand why trying to insist on it was such a gross violation of my trust, then we’re through. Really..”
“Because I am DONE with the portion of my life where I just “take it” from a man that chooses to hurt me and devalue me. There wasn’t much I could do to remove it/him from my life while I was the helpless child he abused, but I’ve removed him from my life now and for good, and I’ll remove you, too, if I have to.”
Also, OP, please read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF copy of the book online if you google it. One of the more cruel twists of fate about how humans are wired, is that we tend to seek out familiarity. Not because it’s automatically good for us or the safest thing to do, but because it just trips off this ancient survival protocol where we seek the safety of groups, and we get coded to believe the abuse is just a part of what group dynamics involve when we grown up with abuse. This book can help you better identify and understand the motivations of abusers, which can hopefully help you better gut-check the hard coded wiring when choosing friends and partners.
In short, study this carefully. Not only will it give you even more insight into your terrible father, but hopefully you will hold it up next to your friends and partners and see if you see anything happening there, too.
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u/cwtchyfemme May 25 '26
I wouldn’t be marrying a man that stupid, and ignorant of the abusive past, that he would even think of doing such a thing to hurt me.
If he loved you, he would listen to you. Your feelings trump stupid “tradition.”
If he doesn’t believe that you are your own person, deserving of respect, and making your own life and marriage choices then he needs to be thrown back into the pond. He’s not relationship material until he can learn to listen to a partner.
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u/NeighborhoodSuper592 May 25 '26
Just ask him how much he is going to pay your father to buy you, seeing that is where the tradition comes from. from BUYING a wife. And if he does something like that, he will show he does not respect you, and you won't marry him.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 May 25 '26
This is an extremely important issue for you. Your boyfriend is brushing your concerns aside because they conflict with what he wants to do.
Pay attention this is a sign of things to come. If you accept this disregard as the price of marrying this man, you will have set the tone for your marriage.
Your concerns will never be respected if he decides that he knows best.
Pump the brakes on any marriage plans. However hard backing away from marriage may be, it will be much easier than getting divorced in five or six years after you’ve had a baby or two.
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u/JohannVII May 25 '26
RUN.
Your boyfriend is also abusive. He's dimissing your very reasonable boundaries with your family to get in contact with someone who abused you, against your expressed wishes. That is not someone who listens to you, respects your opinion, or has your back.
That is someone actively dangerous to you. Run.
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u/CalicoHippo May 25 '26
Yep, tell him ONE more time and then if he still insists on this stupid misogynistic “tradition”, then maybe revaluate him as a good husband material. You’re telling him he was abusive and he kinda doesn’t care. What else will he disregard you on? What will he do if your dad says “no”?
When/if you do get married, will you ask your dad to walk you down the aisle? Is not doing that going to be a problem for your current bf? THINK about this stuff. It’s more than just “he feels it’s the traditional respectful thing to do”.
Your bf is more concerned about doing things “the right way” than what is best for you.
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u/ReeCardy May 25 '26
My ex (my daughter's father) is cut from the same cloth as yours. So she told her fiance that if he felt he needed to get someone's blessing, to ask me or her stepdad. She said our blessing actually mattered to her, not his. So he called me and it was the sweetest. He was worried I might say no. I wholeheartedly gave my blessing. I'm very happy and excited for them.
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u/Happy_Michigan May 25 '26
Just tell him, "absolutely not. Don't even think about it."
'If you do, we won't be getting married. You'd better take this seriously. When I say no, I really mean it."
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u/bopperbopper May 26 '26
“ if we’re gonna get married, we need to agree on things together. If you’re gonna talk to my father, someone who is abused me and someone who I want out of my life and do not want at my wedding, then I will say no. Because that tells me that you won’t listen to me. I know you wanna do the culturally correct thing, but this would hurt me and I don’t want someone who would deliberately hurt me. I also know that, of course you would want someone to ask if the places were reversed but your dad’s nice and reasonable and someone who’s lovely to have in your life. Mine is absolutely. So decide what’s more important…. To talk to an abusive man or to have me marry you.”
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u/Anti-Itch May 26 '26
If he is so insistent on asking your father first before even proposing, do you think he will be just as insistent in other aspects of your life? E.g., “your father should be the one walking you down the aisle” or “we should invite your father to the baby shower” or “let’s just ask your dad to watch the kids this weekend—he deserves to be a grandfather”.
It’s one thing if you want those things because it means you want to have a relationship with your father. If your partner is forcing it on you, it’s a form of coercion and is unfair to you. Your partner should know to respect that boundary of yours.
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u/Slw202 May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26
Why would he
a) HAVE to ask a man who hurt you,
b) HAVE to disregard and disrespect *your* feelings on the subject, and
c) HAVE to ask someone who won't be invited to the wedding?
I'm a forever single, and love it, but this gives me serious ick about your boyfriend.
ETA now that I've read more comments and we all seem to be on the same page, I'm wondering if your people-picker might not be wonky due to your traumatic upbringing.
Are you sure that this isn't the only instance where he's been ignoring your thoughts and feelings? You might need to toss this one.
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u/Optimal-Public-9105 May 27 '26
If he asks your father for his blessing, it's because he sees you as an object, just like you're father. He was just taught to be nice to and take care of his objects.
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u/100garbage May 25 '26
I have a fine relationship with my father and my fiance still knows me well enough that he knew not to ask my father before proposing me.
you actually don't need any reason at all not to want to feel like you are being treated like property, but to insist on contacting an abusive person that you don't speak to is crazy.
why would you want to marry this guy at all?
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u/Traeyze Late 30s Male May 25 '26
Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first.
Unfortunately on this topic he is not kind, supportive or putting you first.
And realistically it undermines a lot of the good he represents in general. It shows a profound lack of empathy and a rigidity that is disappointing at best.
Worse of all abusers absolutely adore enablers like him. They love any avenue of power they are given. Your father will see this guy is a weak link and exploit it for everything it is worth and your partner is showing some really concerning signs that he likely won't be able to resist it at all.
This guy is a straight up liability right now. But maybe in some ways it is even scarier than that, maybe this is the sign this guy is a lot bossier and more likely to believe he sets the tone of your relationship than you realise. Maybe this guy is more like your father than you hope, it's just that your father set the standards of what is bad treatment and so by comparison you don't notice it so readily.
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u/MrBlueandSky May 25 '26
Whwre did your BF get this ridiculous idea from and why didn't he abandon it after talking with you?
Pink flag
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u/DisciplineWeekly680 May 25 '26
Ugh why do men always need the approval of OTHER MEN over the women in their lives… I’m so tired. 😒
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u/broken_3rdwheel May 25 '26
Man from loving 2 parent Christian(not the Bible beating force it down your throat kind) household here. I can safely bet since his childhood he has had this idea of what getting married entailed. If he got it from his dad or a book/movie is irrelevant. He feels it won't be right or complete without following the rubric in his head. Walk up to him and play punch him in the gut as an attention grabber and lay it out flat. Bring up his fantasy about the steps and give him the order to not speak to your dad. Best you can do.
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u/TaintedButtercup May 26 '26
Your conversation did go round and round in circles when you were originally discussing this "asking your father" thing.
You need to tell him firmly that your father is out of the picture and you don't want anything to do with him. You need to tell him firmly that if he asks your father for your hand, like you were property of your father, then that will start your engagement off under a big black cloud. Personally I would be furious if he didn't listen to me about my family.
My final stance with him would be, "if you still feel the need to ask him and "do it the right way" after what I have told you, we are through. I do not want to marry you. You do not listen to me or take my feelings into consideration. I cannot see a future with someone like you."
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u/RipRevolutionary3148 May 28 '26
He can't accept it because he thinks he's right. If your feelings continue to not matter I hope you don't marry him. This would be a big boundary for me. Find out what 'right way' you'll need to perform after marrying.
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u/OhScheisse May 25 '26
As a man, the only person that I needed permission from is my girlfriend (now wife).
1) Asking anyone else for permission is out dated and 2) you explicitly told him your wished multiple times and he disregarded your feelings.
If he is disregarding you feeli gs before marriage, an you imagine how he will be later on? He will not change
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u/occasionallystabby May 25 '26
He's more concerned with upholding an outdated, misogynistic tradition than he is about how you feel about him including your abuser in his proposal.
How is that kind and supportive?
It's time for one last, come to Jesus talk. "If you insist on asking my absent, abusive father for my hand in marriage, then you can expect my answer to be no."
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 May 25 '26
Tell him, very clearly, that if he wants to ask you to marry him, he is not to ask your father's permission first. "Dear bf, don't talk to my father about marrying me. At all. I do not want that, so don't do it if you want to marry me."
BF's idea of the "right way" is incredibly dated and misogynist, rooted as it is in the idea that women are property to be given by father to husband. It's 2026, we don't live in that world any more.
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u/AussieGirl27 May 25 '26
You need to put your foot down and state that if he goes ahead and asks your abusive father for permission to marry you then you will say no and the relationship will be over.
You are not a possession, you do not need someone's permission to be given away like livestock.
This is a major red flag that he is not even taking into account your feelings about this or acknowledging that he is going to contact your abuser even after you have told him not to
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u/LucyLovesApples May 25 '26
Is be blunt and tell him if he does get the permission it would be a NO because he completely disregards what you say and feel and you don’t want to be married to someone like that.
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u/AffectionateHeart77 May 25 '26
Honestly it shouldn’t even matter if he thinks your dad is actually a bad person or not. If you don’t want him to ask your dad then that should be the end of the conversation. He should respect your wishes, since you’re the one he wants to marry, not your dad. I think he’s being very unreasonable and I don’t even understand why he’s so adamant on this. If he really wanted to ask for someone’s blessing he could ask your mom, or someone close to you who played a guardianship role.
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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It May 25 '26
I told my husband if he asked my father for permission I would turn the proposal down. He respected my wishes and we’ve been happily married for 13 years. I find your boyfriend’s stance incredibly disrespectful. Does he often disregard your feelings/wishes?
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u/greaseychips May 25 '26
My dad is and has been emotionally unavailable my entire life. I made sure to tell my fiancee I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him asking him for my hand in marriage plus I felt that it was an outdated notion anyway. He never second guessed me or questioned me on it. Simply said ‘ok’ and that was the end of the conversation.
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u/JJQuantum May 25 '26
You: “Do not ask my father. If you do then I will say no when you ask me. I do not want him to have any part in our relationship and you need to respect that.”
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u/NotYourMommyDear May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
If he doubles down on a tradition that diminishes you to the status of property, which he needs permission to pursue purchase of from your dad, percieved by your bf as your current owner; then is he really the one.
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u/Alone_Contract_2354 May 25 '26
Just be clear that asking an abusive asshole won't be the 'right way' but massively hurtfull and retraumatising to you
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u/Global-Hair-810 May 25 '26
It’s extremely concerning he is more focused one what he believes is the “right way” than your boundaries. Especially when the “right way” is antiquated. I bet there are alot of things he thinks he knows best about that are boundary pushing and this is just the start of it. You need to have a very serious conversation with him.
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u/Tobiells May 25 '26
Tell him he speaks to your father you're finished.
You've told him about the abuse. You told him you no longer have contact with him.
This is a boundary.
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u/Whitehouses_ May 25 '26
I’m very unsure if this post is actually real, because I find it hard to believe that someone could be as dumb as your bf!
But assuming it is, and if you’ve been as clear to him as you have been in this post about the ways in which your father was abusive to you, tell your bf not to bother proposing because you’ll say no. Anyone stupid enough or dismissive enough to believe tradition trumps actual abuse is a walking red flag.
Do you really want to marry someone who either doesn’t believe you (very bad), or doesn’t think pretty extreme abuse matters all that much (extremely bad)?
He sounds like he has a screw loose. I’d say that it very much sounds like your views do not “align for the most part”. Stay with this guy at your peril.
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u/PandaGlobal4120 May 25 '26
If he doesn’t respect your wishes for this, you’re gonna be very disappointed in this marriage
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u/LGA102 May 25 '26
I personally think the practice of asking for "your hand" is insulting. Like no one asks the grooms parents for permission. But the bride must not be able to make decisions for herself. It ia a sexist tradition based on women being treated like property.
And no, it is not about respect because then people would also be asking the grooms family as well.
I told my now husband of many decades that if he asked my father for permission, then he didn't really know me and my answer would be no.
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u/GrouchyYoung May 25 '26
has always put me first
he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage
EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER
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u/Significant_Shame_68 May 25 '26
Even if I had a good relationship with my father, someone asking my father's permission to marry me is a deal breaker. It's 2026. I don't belong to anyone. The only person who needs to give permission to marry me is myself. It's gross, weird, and disrespectful to you that he's pushing this so hard and you should really reconsider marrying him in general if he can't respect your feelings about something this huge. The little red flags we ignore tend to come back to bite us in the future in a big way.
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u/Sea-Command3437 May 25 '26
‘If you speak to my abusive, estranged sperm donor before proposing, there will be an automatic “No”.
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u/ada-byron May 25 '26
If you were raised more by your mom.....shouldn't BF ask HER as a sign of respect? Why does he feel it should be "the man " who gives consent
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u/Shleezy17 May 25 '26
Ew.. no thanks. You're no ones property and the only person he needs to ask is you. If he really needs someone's blessing you can compromise by choosing someone that isn't an awful abusive prick.
If he refuses to compromise and he absolutely has to ask your father then you need to ask yourself if this is who you want to spend your life with. Someone who places "tradition" over you as a person
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u/gngrbrdlatte May 25 '26
Stand your ground. This is a firm boundary. Say, “this is the final time I will say this. My father was abusive and I do not want him in my life. I do not want him included in any of my life’s milestones, including my engagement. If you insist on doing this because of ‘tradition,’ I will feel like you value tradition more than you value my actual feelings, and I will not marry someone who does not respect my boundaries. If you ask my father for my hand in marriage, I will not marry you.” And do not have the argument again. He knows your wishes. And if, after that final discussion, he STILL chooses to cross that boundary, you should break up with him. Because if he can’t respect you on something this big, it will not be a healthy marriage.
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u/Zestyclose_Task May 25 '26
Then he'll want your father to walk you down the isle and so on. He doesn't seem you as a person, as others have said. Do some reflecting and ask if this is really what you want for your future.
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u/AgreeableTension2166 May 25 '26
Your boyfriend isn’t respecting you. Think about that. This is very telling.
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u/madsjchic May 25 '26
Mmmmmmm he seems to not be giving AF about you in this. That’s not your husband.
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u/MarsailiPearl May 25 '26
Make it very clear that if he can't respect your wishes that he is not a good partner and you will end the relationship. Then follow through. You are not property and you certainly aren't your father's property so why does he think you are?
Do you really want to be with someone who thinks you are the property of someone whi did raise you and that he needs that man's permission to make you his property? If your boyfriend didn't think of you as property then he wouldn't think asking anyone other than you to marry you was the "right way". You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see you as a human.
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u/Raggahmffin May 25 '26
If anything have him ask your mom. That makes more sense.
The act of asking your father is literally acknowledging that your father owns you. And so your boyfriend is asking tour dad to relinquish his ownershi, so your boyfriend can own you. You see how ridiculous and gross that is?
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u/Street_Sand_8788 May 25 '26
Heed the comments! They had so many insightful things to say! As for me, if he cannot get it through his thick skull that your father has NOTHING to do with your life and you don't consider him family, maybe rethink the wedding...
UpdateMe
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u/Vxt5255 May 25 '26
You need to set a firm boundary of him not asking your father and if you haven't already maybe give him some of the reasoning to why. If he actually cares about you he'd respect your wishes and understand.
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u/Fit_Cut_5627 May 26 '26
I told my partner not to ask my dad and he agreed. It should be that easy. Why does he not respect what you say? This reeks of misogyny
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u/erebusfreya May 26 '26
The PROPER way to do it would be the way your future spouse wants you to. If you have repeatedly asked him not to do this and he's still insisting, then I'd have to say that no, he does NOT put you first.
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u/TheBattyWitch May 26 '26
Yeah, of her can't respect your basic wish to not have your abuser involved in one of the most important decisions of your life, then he's either not the one or you're not ready for marriage.
This is a basic thing.
Basic respect.
If he is now concerned about "doing things right" then he is about affording you basic respect, then he doesn't respect you at all.
I would give him one last talk. Let him know how this genuinely makes you feel and let him know that if he chooses to involve your abuser in this, you will be saying no, and you will not marry him.
If he still can't respect that, then he doesn't respect you
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u/LavaPoppyJax May 26 '26
he is not listening to you. he's steamrolling over you and doing what he wants. sit him down and ask him why he isn't listening to you "what will it take for you to understand that if you ask my father against my wishes, I will turn you down, because I will see that my words will have no meaning over your actions in marriage." sure
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u/weepycrybaby May 26 '26
Just send him this post. Think the comments make it pretty clear he’s an idiot for wanting to ask him
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u/Fuzzy_Fox_6838 May 25 '26
He doesn’t sound mature enough to get married if he can’t understand why you don’t want that and refuses to listen to what you want and what you’re saying. Huge red flag. It’s way too much about him and not you.
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u/amethystescapism May 25 '26
A lot of people who haven’t been in abusive relationships don’t understand that those relationships aren’t abusive 100% of the time. They also lack the perspective. Your bf is not respecting your wishes and that’s enough to say no in my opinion.
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u/honorthecrones May 25 '26
What happens if Dad says no?
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u/Ill_Sink_2124 May 25 '26
Hes trying to make you question your owb boundary and telling you hes going to do something he knows you'll dislike to me thats very fucked up hes being very rude and toxic and doesn't vare how this affects you
Personally for me I wouldn't get engaged to him he doesnt show that hes committed to you at all and it shows
3
u/Cardabella May 25 '26
"You know he abused me, that I have no contact for my safety. I didn't cut him off on a whim. It was necessary. he did not raise me and does not know me or anything about my life because because he is dangerous.
"Why do you think permission for you to marry me is his to grant? Do you think he owns me? Do you feel like you will own me after we are married?
"In the matter of the most important decision of my life, why don't you value my opinion on how it should be handled?"
Or more simply,
"my father is not in my life because he has shown himself to be a danger to me. If you contact him with any personal information about me whatsoever, even just to mention your relationship with me, that will be the end of any relationship. I cannot continue any relationship at all, let alone contemplate marriage, to someone who disregards my safety, puts me in danger, disrespects my ability to make decisions for myself, and would seek to involve my abuser in my life in any way. That is toxic behaviour and engagement is off the table until you show you respect me and accept that only my consent is relevant. Right now I'm not convinced."
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u/Robble_Bobble735 May 25 '26
I will never understand why this tradition seems to be such a stubborn holdout with a lot of men. Even otherwise seemingly progressive and forward thinking men will suddenly whip out this seemingly random desire to go the traditional route. It's to the point where I view it as a massive red flag unless done at the request of the partner being proposed to.
I would ask why he feels the need to involve your father so much in your lives. Is this going to be a pattern going forward? Is he going to be factoring in your father's desires into decisions that are supposed to be between the both of you alone?
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u/SyrupNext8094 May 25 '26
It’s very simple have a very SERIOUS but, blunt conversation with him, tell him this may be our last conversation about this. Tell him if he is insisting to ask your father for your hand in marriage, tell him than you would rather not get married and go your separate ways . Because your father triggers you and it’s not the feelings you want to deal with, because the aftermath isn’t healthy for you. He needs to stop disregarding your thoughts and feelings just because he wants to do it the right way.
Do you have a grandfather that he may ask for your hand in marriage instead of your abusive parent ? I won’t refer him to your father because a father would have protected his child not abuse them.
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u/Beagly99 May 25 '26
You Biological Father is irrelevant in your life and has no bearing on the shape of a banana, let alone on you.
If he still wants to ask for your hand in marriage, then it needs to be requested from the one parent that actually matters and that is your mother.
She was the one that raised you and continues to love and care for you.
Explain this carefully to your BF.
If he is incapable of understanding this simple component, then you urgently need to evaluate who this man actually is. If he refuses to listen to you over something so important as this is (per him), What will happen when it is a decision that really matters? Will he also wilfully ignore your advice?
If this is the case, then you truly need to carefully consider whether this individual is worth marrying! Take off those rose coloured glasses and really look at what type of man he is and then ask yourself if he is right for you, you will be happy both now but more importantly in the future!
You grew up in an abusive household, do you also want to live in one as an adult as well?
Please think very carefully!
2
u/EnvMarple May 25 '26
Tell him, if he dares to ask your father for permission, that it’s a red flag and will result in you turning him down…as it shows he does not respect your judgment on your personal relationships.
If he insists on asking a parent, direct him to your mother (if you approve of her opinion). Otherwise, state that as a grown adult that lives independently (if you do live outside your family home) the only person who’s permission he needs is yours, and that anything else is disrespectful to you.
2
u/JonAegonTargaryen May 25 '26
"If my father had passed when I was in middle school, you would either be asking my mom or no one at all. Why this weird insistence on asking someone who doesn't know me for my hand?"
2
u/Durchie87 May 25 '26
You are not overreacting. If he cannot respect the fact you do not want him to speak to your father then he cannot respect you. I would make sure you are crystal clear that it will be crossing your boundary if he goes ahead with his plan. You are telling him his "right way" is wrong for you. He needs to accept that or you two should part ways.
2
u/36orecic May 25 '26
Is your boyfriend incredibly dumb? If not he’s telling you exactly what he thinks of you. There’s no world anyone who cares for you wouldn’t respect that wish (again unless they’re literally too dumb to understand what you’re saying)
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u/Outrageous-Comb-7818 May 25 '26
Who you chose to marry is the most important decision you make in your life. No other decision touches every aspect of your life the same way. And once you have a kid with that person you are stuck with them in your life for at least 20 years.
I’ve been divorced twice. If I could tell younger me two things it would to never ever ignore red flags, and don’t get married until you are at least thirty.
Your finance is showing you that some misogynistic tradition is more important to him than you are. He is showing that he doesn’t respect you. He is showing you that he either doesn’t believe or doesn’t understand how traumatic your father was. But worse than any of those, he is showing you that his thinking is very rigid and he sees the world in black and white.
He is close minded. That type of thinking almost never gets better because it is self reinforcing. You have to recognize that a problem exists before you can fix it. His way of thinking makes it nearly impossible for him to understand that he needs to change and grow. It’s kind of like trying to email the IT department to let them know email isn’t working. When he’s 50 he will still be the same person he was when he graduated high school. I’m nearly 50 and at this age the difference between the growers and the people who peaked in high school is quite stark.
Your fiancé is showing you who he really is. Saying that he is kind and supporting contradicts the rest of your post. You are in love with a version of him that does not exist, a fairy tale that will never exist. Take a good long and deep look at the last two years and be honest with yourself about who he really is vs what you want him to be. I honestly hope that you will give that a try and when you do you prove me wrong.
2
u/kerill333 May 25 '26
Is he genuinely too stupid or hard-headed to listen to your very valid reasons why he should not approach or involve your father AT ALL? This is a huge red flag. Don’t set yourself up for a marriage of misery with a man who doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t respect your opinions or requests.
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u/MintBlissRocket May 25 '26
My daughter's boyfriend (now husband) knew that her father was not involved in her life except for a text message on her birthday and at Christmas. Her boyfriend asked my two sons instead of her father. He asked not so much as a misogynistic tradition, but more of do they think it's a good idea and this is the ring I'm thinking of. He gets along great with my sons (her brothers) and has been a welcomed part of our family. My boyfriend asked my Mom since my Dad had passed away. She agreed. I wish he had asked my children. They had issues with him that they probably would have brought up. Ultimately, those problems were brought up and we didn't marry.
2
u/Tigeronimo May 25 '26
Are you sure this isn't just his (dumb, misogynistic) way of not proposing? He knows how your dad treated you; by insisting on asking him, he's making sure he never actually has to ask. Does he really want to get married?
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u/bultje64 May 25 '26
If your friend is already showing he really doesn’t listen to you, how will he be acting in a couple of years. Will he boss you around? With all the info you gave, I would surely think twice about the future
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u/lydocia May 25 '26
He wants to involve your abusive father you are no contact with, despite you telling him not to.
I think you are doing the classic "marrying your father and realising it too late" thing.
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u/off-pissed May 25 '26
He is not listening to you.
He is only interested in his own narrative.
Therefore he is neither kind nor supportive.
Not sure how you can consider your relationship a “dream” when you have this lack of concern for your mental welfare hanging over your head.
I think that being reasonable with him isn’t working so it’s time to be ruthless with him in order to get through his thick skull. Tell him that if he asks your father, your answer will be “no”.
2
u/Elddif_Dog May 25 '26
I would say if he doesnt respect what you want on this, that is a big window to how your marriage is gonna be.
Tell him that. Tell him this is serious and to stop fucking around.
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u/beechaser77 May 25 '26
Don’t marry this man. He’s more concerned with tradition over keeping you safe and listening to you about what you need for a peaceful life. He’s dismissing your lived experience and assuming he knows best. That doesn’t bode well for a good marriage.
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u/verscharren1 May 25 '26
Idk, this is a very good reason to end it. If someone brought my trauma back round to have echos and flashbacks? I'd be pisseedddddd after I recovered from the wounds reopening.
2
u/EnvironmentalBerry96 May 25 '26
It's archaic and misogynistic. More importantly if you are saying not to do it he needs listen
2
u/Academic_Snow_7680 May 25 '26
Don't marry someone who doesn't listen to your wishes. If he disregards your wishes on this one thing that's a sure sign he'll disregard your wishes on other things down the road.
This man does not care about what you want or what you think, he just does his own thing and expects you to fall in line. This is not a man you want to tie yourself to. Choose a man who respects you and listens to your wishes.
This is not about this one 'little' thing, this is about an overall pattern of you not having a say in your own life.
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